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Boz is a pseudonym of Charles Dickens


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Sketches by Boz

by Charles Dickens
Boz is a pseudonym of Charles Dickens

April, 1997  [Etext #882]


Project Gutenberg's Etext of Sketches by Boz, by Charles Dickens
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Sketches by Boz by Charles Dickens.
Scanned and proofed by David Price
email [e-mail]





SKETCHES BY BOZ




OUR PARISH




CHAPTER I - THE BEADLE.  THE PARISH ENGINE.  THE SCHOOLMASTER.



How much is conveyed in those two short words - 'The Parish!'  And
with how many tales of distress and misery, of broken fortune and
ruined hopes, too often of unrelieved wretchedness and successful
knavery, are they associated!  A poor man, with small earnings, and
a large family, just manages to live on from hand to mouth, and to
procure food from day to day; he has barely sufficient to satisfy
the present cravings of nature, and can take no heed of the future.
His taxes are in arrear, quarter-day passes by, another quarter-day
arrives:  he can procure no more quarter for himself, and is
summoned by - the parish.  His goods are distrained, his children
are crying with cold and hunger, and the very bed on which his sick
wife is lying, is dragged from beneath her.  What can he do?  To
whom is he to apply for relief?  To private charity?  To benevolent
individuals?  Certainly not - there is his parish.  There are the
parish vestry, the parish infirmary, the parish surgeon, the parish
officers, the parish beadle.  Excellent institutions, and gentle,
kind-hearted men.  The woman dies - she is buried by the parish.
The children have no protector - they are taken care of by the
parish.  The man first neglects, and afterwards cannot obtain, work
- he is relieved by the parish; and when distress and drunkenness
have done their work upon him, he is maintained, a harmless
babbling idiot, in the parish asylum.

The parish beadle is one of the most, perhaps THE most, important
member of  the local administration.  He is not so well off as the
churchwardens, certainly, nor is he so learned as the vestry-clerk,
nor does he order things quite so much his own way as either of
them.  But his power is very great, notwithstanding; and the
dignity of his office is never impaired by the absence of efforts
on his part to maintain it.  The beadle of our parish is a splendid
fellow.  It is quite delightful to hear him, as he explains the
state of the existing poor laws to the deaf old women in the board-
room passage on business nights; and to hear what he said to the
senior churchwarden, and what the senior churchwarden said to him;
and what 'we' (the beadle and the other gentlemen) came to the
determination of doing.  A miserable-looking woman is called into
the boardroom, and represents a case of extreme destitution,
affecting herself - a widow, with six small children.  'Where do
you live?' inquires one of the overseers.  'I rents a two-pair
back, gentlemen, at Mrs. Brown's, Number 3, Little King William's-
alley, which has lived there this fifteen year, and knows me to be
very hard-working and industrious, and when my poor husband was
alive, gentlemen, as died in the hospital' - 'Well, well,'
interrupts the overseer, taking a note of the address, 'I'll send
Simmons, the beadle, to-morrow morning, to ascertain whether your
story is correct; and if so, I suppose you must have an order into
the House - Simmons, go to this woman's the first thing to-morrow
morning, will you?'  Simmons bows assent, and ushers the woman out.
Her previous admiration of 'the board' (who all sit behind great
books, and with their hats on) fades into nothing before her
respect for her lace-trimmed conductor; and her account of what has
passed inside, increases - if that be possible - the marks of
respect, shown by the assembled crowd, to that solemn functionary.
As to taking out a summons, it's quite a hopeless case if Simmons
attends it, on behalf of the parish.  He knows all the titles of
the Lord Mayor by heart; states the case without a single stammer:
and it is even reported that on one occasion he ventured to make a
joke, which the Lord Mayor's head footman (who happened to be
present) afterwards told an intimate friend, confidentially, was
almost equal to one of Mr. Hobler's.

See him again on Sunday in his state-coat and cocked-hat, with a
large-headed staff for show in his left hand, and a small cane for
use in his right.  How pompously he marshals the children into
their places! and how demurely the little urchins look at him
askance as he surveys them when they are all seated, with a glare
of the eye peculiar to beadles! The churchwardens and overseers
being duly installed in their curtained pews, he seats himself on a
mahogany bracket, erected expressly for him at the top of the
aisle, and divides his attention between his prayer-book and the
boys.  Suddenly, just at the commencement of the communion service,
when the whole congregation is hushed into a profound silence,
broken only by the voice of the officiating clergyman, a penny is
heard to ring on the stone floor of the aisle with astounding
clearness.  Observe the generalship of the beadle.  His involuntary
look of horror is instantly changed into one of perfect
indifference, as if he were the only person present who had not
heard the noise.  The artifice succeeds.  After putting forth his
right leg now and then, as a feeler, the victim who dropped the
money ventures to make one or two distinct dives after it; and the
beadle, gliding softly round, salutes his little round head, when
it again appears above the seat, with divers double knocks,
administered with the cane before noticed, to the intense delight
of three young men in an adjacent pew, who cough violently at
intervals until the conclusion of the sermon.

Such are a few traits of the importance and gravity of a parish
beadle - a gravity which has never been disturbed in any case that
has come under our observation, except when the services of that
particularly useful machine, a parish fire-engine, are required:
then indeed all is bustle.  Two little boys run to the beadle as
fast as their legs will carry them, and report from their own
personal observation that some neighbouring chimney is on fire; the
engine is hastily got out, and a plentiful supply of boys being
obtained, and harnessed to it with ropes, away they rattle over the
pavement, the beadle, running - we do not exaggerate - running at
the side, until they arrive at some house, smelling strongly of
soot, at the door of which the beadle knocks with considerable
gravity for half-an-hour.  No attention being paid to these manual
applications, and the turn-cock having turned on the water, the
engine turns off amidst the shouts of the boys; it pulls up once
more at the work-house, and the beadle 'pulls up' the unfortunate
householder next day, for the amount of his legal reward.  We never
saw a parish engine at a regular fire but once.  It came up in
gallant style - three miles and a half an hour, at least; there was
a capital supply of water, and it was first on the spot.  Bang went
the pumps - the people cheered - the beadle perspired profusely;
but it was unfortunately discovered, just as they were going to put
the fire out, that nobody understood the process by which the
engine was filled with water; and that eighteen boys, and a man,
had exhausted themselves in pumping for twenty minutes, without
producing the slightest effect!

The personages next in importance to the beadle, are the master of
the workhouse and the parish schoolmaster.  The vestry-clerk, as
everybody knows, is a short, pudgy little man, in black, with a
thick gold watch-chain of considerable length, terminating in two
large seals and a key.  He is an attorney, and generally in a
bustle; at no time more so, than when he is hurrying to some
parochial meeting, with his gloves crumpled up in one hand, and a
large red book under the other arm.  As to the churchwardens and
overseers, we exclude them altogether, because all we know of them
is, that they are usually respectable tradesmen, who wear hats with
brims inclined to flatness, and who occasionally testify in gilt
letters on a blue ground, in some conspicuous part of the church,
to the important fact of a gallery having being enlarged and
beautified, or an organ rebuilt.

The master of the workhouse is not, in our parish - nor is he
usually in any other - one of that class of men the better part of
whose existence has passed away, and who drag out the remainder in
some inferior situation, with just enough thought of the past, to
feel degraded by, and discontented with the present.  We are unable
to guess precisely to our own satisfaction what station the man can
have occupied before; we should think he had been an inferior sort
of attorney's clerk, or else the master of a national school -
whatever he was, it is clear his present position is a change for
the better.  His income is small certainly, as the rusty black coat
and threadbare velvet collar demonstrate:  but then he lives free
of house-rent, has a limited allowance of coals and candles, and an
almost unlimited allowance of authority in his petty kingdom.  He
is a tall, thin, bony man; always wears shoes and black cotton
stockings with his surtout; and eyes you, as you pass his parlour-
window, as if he wished you were a pauper, just to give you a
specimen of his power.  He is an admirable specimen of a small
tyrant:  morose, brutish, and ill-tempered; bullying to his
inferiors, cringing to his superiors, and jealous of the influence
and authority of the beadle.

Our schoolmaster is just the very reverse of this amiable official.
He has been one of those men one occasionally hears of, on whom
misfortune seems to have set her mark; nothing he ever did, or was
concerned in, appears to have prospered.  A rich old relation who
had brought him up, and openly announced his intention of providing
for him, left him 10,000L. in his will, and revoked the bequest in
a codicil.  Thus unexpectedly reduced to the necessity of providing
for himself, he procured a situation in a public office.  The young
clerks below him, died off as if there were a plague among them;
but the old fellows over his head, for the reversion of whose
places he was anxiously waiting, lived on and on, as if they were
immortal.  He speculated and lost.  He speculated again and won -
but never got his money.  His talents were great; his disposition,
easy, generous and liberal.  His friends profited by the one, and
abused the other.  Loss succeeded loss; misfortune crowded on
misfortune; each successive day brought him nearer the verge of
hopeless penury, and the quondam friends who had been warmest in
their professions, grew strangely cold and indifferent.  He had
children whom he loved, and a wife on whom he doted.  The former
turned their backs on him; the latter died broken-hearted.  He went
with the stream - it had ever been his failing, and he had not
courage sufficient to bear up against so many shocks - he had never
cared for himself, and the only being who had cared for him, in his
poverty and distress, was spared to him no longer.  It was at this
period that he applied for parochial relief.  Some kind-hearted man
who had known him in happier times, chanced to be churchwarden that
year, and through his interest he was appointed to his present
situation.

He is an old man now.  Of the many who once crowded round him in
all the hollow friendship of boon-companionship, some have died,
some have fallen like himself, some have prospered - all have
forgotten him.  Time and misfortune have mercifully been permitted
to impair his memory, and use has habituated him to his present
condition.  Meek, uncomplaining, and zealous in the discharge of
his duties, he has been allowed to hold his situation long beyond
the usual period; and he will no doubt continue to hold it, until
infirmity renders him incapable, or death releases him.  As the
grey-headed old man feebly paces up and down the sunny side of the
little court-yard between school hours, it would be difficult,
indeed, for the most intimate of his former friends to recognise
their once gay and happy associate, in the person of the Pauper
Schoolmaster.



CHAPTER II - THE CURATE.  THE OLD LADY.  THE HALF-PAY CAPTAIN



We commenced our last chapter with the beadle of our parish,
because we are deeply sensible of the importance and dignity of his
office.  We will begin the present, with the clergyman.  Our curate
is a young gentleman of such prepossessing appearance, and
fascinating manners, that within one month after his first
appearance in the parish, half the young-lady inhabitants were
melancholy with religion, and the other half, desponding with love.
Never were so many young ladies seen in our parish church on Sunday
before; and never had the little round angels' faces on Mr.
Tomkins's monument in the side aisle, beheld such devotion on earth
as they all exhibited.  He was about five-and-twenty when he first
came to astonish the parishioners.  He parted his hair on the
centre of his forehead in the form of a Norman arch, wore a
brilliant of the first water on the fourth finger of his left hand
(which he always applied to his left cheek when he read prayers),
and had a deep sepulchral voice of unusual solemnity.  Innumerable
were the calls made by prudent mammas on our new curate, and
innumerable the invitations with which he was assailed, and which,
to do him justice, he readily accepted.  If his manner in the
pulpit had created an impression in his favour, the sensation was
increased tenfold, by his appearance in private circles.  Pews in
the immediate vicinity of the pulpit or reading-desk rose in value;
sittings in the centre aisle were at a premium:  an inch of room in
the front row of the gallery could not be procured for love or
money; and some people even went so far as to assert, that the
three Miss Browns, who had an obscure family pew just behind the
churchwardens', were detected, one Sunday, in the free seats by the
communion-table, actually lying in wait for the curate as he passed
to the vestry!  He began to preach extempore sermons, and even
grave papas caught the infection.  He got out of bed at half-past
twelve o'clock one winter's night, to half-baptise a washerwoman's
child in a slop-basin, and the gratitude of the parishioners knew
no bounds - the very churchwardens grew generous, and insisted on
the parish defraying the expense of the watch-box on wheels, which
the new curate had ordered for himself, to perform the funeral
service in, in wet weather.  He sent three pints of gruel and a
quarter of a pound of tea to a poor woman who had been brought to
bed of four small children, all at once - the parish were charmed.
He got up a subscription for her - the woman's fortune was made.
He spoke for one hour and twenty-five minutes, at an anti-slavery
meeting at the Goat and Boots - the enthusiasm was at its height.
A proposal was set on foot for presenting the curate with a piece
of plate, as a mark of esteem for his valuable services rendered to
the parish.  The list of subscriptions was filled up in no time;
the contest was, not who should escape the contribution, but who
should be the foremost to subscribe.  A splendid silver inkstand
was made, and engraved with an appropriate inscription; the curate
was invited to a public breakfast, at the before-mentioned Goat and
Boots; the inkstand was presented in a neat speech by Mr. Gubbins,
the ex-churchwarden, and acknowledged by the curate in terms which
drew tears into the eyes of all present - the very waiters were
melted.

One would have supposed that, by this time, the theme of universal
admiration was lifted to the very pinnacle of popularity.  No such
thing.  The curate began to cough; four fits of coughing one
morning between the Litany and the Epistle, and five in the
afternoon service.  Here was a discovery - the curate was
consumptive.  How interestingly melancholy!  If the young ladies
were energetic before, their sympathy and solicitude now knew no
bounds.  Such a man as the curate - such a dear - such a perfect
love - to be consumptive!  It was too much.  Anonymous presents of
black-currant jam, and lozenges, elastic waistcoats, bosom friends,
and warm stockings, poured in upon the curate until he was as
completely fitted out with winter clothing, as if he were on the
verge of an expedition to the North Pole:  verbal bulletins of the
state of his health were circulated throughout the parish half-a-
dozen times a day; and the curate was in the very zenith of his
popularity.

About this period, a change came over the spirit of the parish.  A
very quiet, respectable, dozing old gentleman, who had officiated
in our chapel-of-ease for twelve years previously, died one fine
morning, without having given any notice whatever of his intention.
This circumstance gave rise to counter-sensation the first; and the
arrival of his successor occasioned counter-sensation the second.
He was a pale, thin, cadaverous man, with large black eyes, and
long straggling black hair:  his dress was slovenly in the extreme,
his manner ungainly, his doctrines startling; in short, he was in
every respect the antipodes of the curate.  Crowds of our female
parishioners flocked to hear him; at first, because he was SO odd-
looking, then because his face was SO expressive, then because he
preached SO well; and at last, because they really thought that,
after all, there was something about him which it was quite
impossible to describe.  As to the curate, he was all very well;
but certainly, after all, there was no denying that - that - in
short, the curate wasn't a novelty, and the other clergyman was.
The inconstancy of public opinion is proverbial:  the congregation
migrated one by one.  The curate coughed till he was black in the
face - it was in vain.  He respired with difficulty - it was
equally ineffectual in awakening sympathy.  Seats are once again to
be had in any part of our parish church, and the chapel-of-ease is
going to be enlarged, as it is crowded to suffocation every Sunday!

The best known and most respected among our parishioners, is an old
lady, who resided in our parish long before our name was registered
in the list of baptisms.  Our parish is a suburban one, and the old
lady lives in a neat row of houses in the most airy and pleasant
part of it.  The house is her own; and it, and everything about it,
except the old lady herself, who looks a little older than she did
ten years ago, is in just the same state as when the old gentleman
was living.  The little front parlour, which is the old lady's
ordinary sitting-room, is a perfect picture of quiet neatness; the
carpet is covered with brown Holland, the glass and picture-frames
are carefully enveloped in yellow muslin; the table-covers are
never taken off, except when the leaves are turpentined and bees'-
waxed, an operation which is regularly commenced every other
morning at half-past nine o'clock - and the little nicknacks are
always arranged in precisely the same manner.  The greater part of
these are presents from little girls whose parents live in the same
row; but some of them, such as the two old-fashioned watches (which
never keep the same time, one being always a quarter of an hour too
slow, and the other a quarter of an hour too fast), the little
picture of the Princess Charlotte and Prince Leopold as they
appeared in the Royal Box at Drury Lane Theatre, and others of the
same class, have been in the old lady's possession for many years.
Here the old lady sits with her spectacles on, busily engaged in
needlework - near the window in summer time; and if she sees you
coming up the steps, and you happen to be a favourite, she trots
out to open the street-door for you before you knock, and as you
must be fatigued after that hot walk, insists on your swallowing
two glasses of sherry before you exert yourself by talking.  If you
call in the evening you will find her cheerful, but rather more
serious than usual, with an open Bible on the table, before her, of
which 'Sarah,' who is just as neat and methodical as her mistress,
regularly reads two or three chapters in the parlour aloud.

The old lady sees scarcely any company, except the little girls
before noticed, each of whom has always a regular fixed day for a
periodical tea-drinking with her, to which the child looks forward
as the greatest treat of its existence.  She seldom visits at a
greater distance than the next door but one on either side; and
when she drinks tea here, Sarah runs out first and knocks a double-
knock, to prevent the possibility of her 'Missis's' catching cold
by having to wait at the door.  She is very scrupulous in returning
these little invitations, and when she asks Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so,
to meet Mr. and Mrs. Somebody-else, Sarah and she dust the urn, and
the best china tea-service, and the Pope Joan board; and the
visitors are received in the drawing-room in great state.  She has
but few relations, and they are scattered about in different parts
of the country, and she seldom sees them.  She has a son in India,
whom she always describes to you as a fine, handsome fellow - so
like the profile of his poor dear father over the sideboard, but
the old lady adds, with a mournful shake of the head, that he has
always been one of her greatest trials; and that indeed he once
almost broke her heart; but it pleased God to enable her to get the
better of it, and she would prefer your never mentioning the
subject to her again.  She has a great number of pensioners:  and
on Saturday, after she comes back from market, there is a regular
levee of old men and women in the passage, waiting for their weekly
gratuity.  Her name always heads the list of any benevolent
subscriptions, and hers are always the most liberal donations to
the Winter Coal and Soup Distribution Society.  She subscribed
twenty pounds towards the erection of an organ in our parish
church, and was so overcome the first Sunday the children sang to
it, that she was obliged to be carried out by the pew-opener.  Her
entrance into church on Sunday is always the signal for a little
bustle in the side aisle, occasioned by a general rise among the
poor people, who bow and curtsey until the pew-opener has ushered
the old lady into her accustomed seat, dropped a respectful
curtsey, and shut the door:  and the same ceremony is repeated on
her leaving church, when she walks home with the family next door
but one, and talks about the sermon all the way, invariably opening
the conversation by asking the youngest boy where the text was.

Thus, with the annual variation of a trip to some quiet place on
the sea-coast, passes the old lady's life.  It has rolled on in the
same unvarying and benevolent course for many years now, and must
at no distant period be brought to its final close.  She looks
forward to its termination, with calmness and without apprehension.
She has everything to hope and nothing to fear.

A very different personage, but one who has rendered himself very
conspicuous in our parish, is one of the old lady's next-door
neighbours.  He is an old naval officer on half-pay, and his bluff
and unceremonious behaviour disturbs the old lady's domestic
economy, not a little.  In the first place, he WILL smoke cigars in
the front court, and when he wants something to drink with them -
which is by no means an uncommon circumstance - he lifts up the old
lady's knocker with his walking-stick, and demands to have a glass
of table ale, handed over the rails.  In addition to this cool
proceeding, he is a bit of a Jack of all trades, or to use his own
words, 'a regular Robinson Crusoe;' and nothing delights him better
than to experimentalise on the old lady's property.  One morning he
got up early, and planted three or four roots of full-grown
marigolds in every bed of her front garden, to the inconceivable
astonishment of the old lady, who actually thought when she got up
and looked out of the window, that it was some strange eruption
which had come out in the night.  Another time he took to pieces
the eight-day clock on the front landing, under pretence of
cleaning the works, which he put together again, by some
undiscovered process, in so wonderful a manner, that the large hand
has done nothing but trip up the little one ever since.  Then he
took to breeding silk-worms, which he WOULD bring in two or three
times a day, in little paper boxes, to show the old lady, generally
dropping a worm or two at every visit.  The consequence was, that
one morning a very stout silk-worm was discovered in the act of
walking up-stairs - probably with the view of inquiring after his
friends, for, on further inspection, it appeared that some of his
companions had already found their way to every room in the house.
The old lady went to the seaside in despair, and during her absence
he completely effaced the name from her brass door-plate, in his
attempts to polish it with aqua-fortis.

But all this is nothing to his seditious conduct in public life.
He attends every vestry meeting that is held; always opposes the
constituted authorities of the parish, denounces the profligacy of
the churchwardens, contests legal points against the vestry-clerk,
will make the tax-gatherer call for his money till he won't call
any longer, and then he sends it:  finds fault with the sermon
every Sunday, says that the organist ought to be ashamed of
himself, offers to back himself for any amount to sing the psalms
better than all the children put together, male and female; and, in
short, conducts himself in the most turbulent and uproarious
manner.  The worst of it is, that having a high regard for the old
lady, he wants to make her a convert to his views, and therefore
walks into her little parlour with his newspaper in his hand, and
talks violent politics by the hour.  He is a charitable, open-
hearted old fellow at bottom, after all; so, although he puts the
old lady a little out occasionally, they agree very well in the
main, and she laughs as much at each feat of his handiwork when it
is all over, as anybody else.



CHAPTER III - THE FOUR SISTERS



The row of houses in which the old lady and her troublesome
neighbour reside, comprises, beyond all doubt, a greater number of
characters within its circumscribed limits, than all the rest of
the parish put together.  As we cannot, consistently with our
present plan, however, extend the number of our parochial sketches
beyond six, it will be better perhaps, to select the most peculiar,
and to introduce them at once without further preface.

The four Miss Willises, then, settled in our parish thirteen years
ago.  It is a melancholy reflection that the old adage, 'time and
tide wait for no man,' applies with equal force to the fairer
portion of the creation; and willingly would we conceal the fact,
that even thirteen years ago the Miss Willises were far from
juvenile.  Our duty as faithful parochial chroniclers, however, is
paramount to every other consideration, and we are bound to state,
that thirteen years since, the authorities in matrimonial cases,
considered the youngest Miss Willis in a very precarious state,
while the eldest sister was positively given over, as being far
beyond all human hope.  Well, the Miss Willises took a lease of the
house; it was fresh painted and papered from top to bottom:  the
paint inside was all wainscoted, the marble all cleaned, the old
grates taken down, and register-stoves, you could see to dress by,
put up; four trees were planted in the back garden, several small
baskets of gravel sprinkled over the front one, vans of elegant
furniture arrived, spring blinds were fitted to the windows,
carpenters who had been employed in the various preparations,
alterations, and repairs, made confidential statements to the
different maid-servants in the row, relative to the magnificent
scale on which the Miss Willises were commencing; the maid-servants
told their 'Missises,' the Missises told their friends, and vague
rumours were circulated throughout the parish, that No. 25, in
Gordon-place, had been taken by four maiden ladies of immense
property.

At last, the Miss Willises moved in; and then the 'calling' began.
The house was the perfection of neatness - so were the four Miss
Willises.  Everything was formal, stiff, and cold - so were the
four Miss Willises.  Not a single chair of the whole set was ever
seen out of its place - not a single Miss Willis of the whole four
was ever seen out of hers.  There they always sat, in the same
places, doing precisely the same things at the same hour.  The
eldest Miss Willis used to knit, the second to draw, the two others
to play duets on the piano.  They seemed to have no separate
existence, but to have made up their minds just to winter through
life together.  They were three long graces in drapery, with the
addition, like a school-dinner, of another long grace afterwards -
the three fates with another sister - the Siamese twins multiplied
by two.  The eldest Miss Willis grew bilious - the four Miss
Willises grew bilious immediately.  The eldest Miss Willis grew
ill-tempered and religious - the four Miss Willises were ill-
tempered and religious directly.  Whatever the eldest did, the
others did, and whatever anybody else did, they all disapproved of;
and thus they vegetated - living in Polar harmony among themselves,
and, as they sometimes went out, or saw company 'in a quiet-way' at
home, occasionally icing the neighbours.  Three years passed over
in this way, when an unlooked for and extraordinary phenomenon
occurred.  The Miss Willises showed symptoms of summer, the frost
gradually broke up; a complete thaw took place.  Was it possible?
one of the four Miss Willises was going to be married!

Now, where on earth the husband came from, by what feelings the
poor man could have been actuated, or by what process of reasoning
the four Miss Willises succeeded in persuading themselves that it
was possible for a man to marry one of them, without marrying them
all, are questions too profound for us to resolve:  certain it is,
however, that the visits of Mr. Robinson (a gentleman in a public
office, with a good salary and a little property of his own,
besides) were received - that the four Miss Willises were courted
in due form by the said Mr Robinson - that the neighbours were
perfectly frantic in their anxiety to discover which of the four
Miss Willises was the fortunate fair, and that the difficulty they
experienced in solving the problem was not at all lessened by the
announcement of the eldest Miss Willis, - 'WE are going to marry
Mr. Robinson.'

It was very extraordinary.  They were so completely identified, the
one with the other, that the curiosity of the whole row - even of
the old lady herself - was roused almost beyond endurance.  The
subject was discussed at every little card-table and tea-drinking.
The old gentleman of silk-worm notoriety did not hesitate to
express his decided opinion that Mr. Robinson was of Eastern
descent, and contemplated marrying the whole family at once; and
the row, generally, shook their heads with considerable gravity,
and declared the business to be very mysterious.  They hoped it
might all end well; - it certainly had a very singular appearance,
but still it would be uncharitable to express any opinion without
good grounds to go upon, and certainly the Miss Willises were QUITE
old enough to judge for themselves, and to be sure people ought to
know their own business best, and so forth.

At last, one fine morning, at a quarter before eight o'clock, A.M.,
two glass-coaches drove up to the Miss Willises' door, at which Mr.
Robinson had arrived in a cab ten minutes before, dressed in a
light-blue coat and double-milled kersey pantaloons, white
neckerchief, pumps, and dress-gloves, his manner denoting, as
appeared from the evidence of the housemaid at No. 23, who was
sweeping the door-steps at the time, a considerable degree of
nervous excitement.  It was also hastily reported on the same
testimony, that the cook who opened the door, wore a large white
bow of unusual dimensions, in a much smarter head-dress than the
regulation cap to which the Miss Willises invariably restricted the
somewhat excursive tastes of female servants in general.

The intelligence spread rapidly from house to house.  It was quite
clear that the eventful morning had at length arrived; the whole
row stationed themselves behind their first and second floor
blinds, and waited the result in breathless expectation.

At last the Miss Willises' door opened; the door of the first
glass-coach did the same.  Two gentlemen, and a pair of ladies to
correspond - friends of the family, no doubt; up went the steps,
bang went the door, off went the first class-coach, and up came the
second.

The street door opened again; the excitement of the whole row
increased - Mr. Robinson and the eldest Miss Willis.  'I thought
so,' said the lady at No. 19; 'I always said it was MISS Willis!' -
'Well, I never!' ejaculated the young lady at No. 18 to the young
lady at No. 17. - 'Did you ever, dear!' responded the young lady at
No. 17 to the young lady at No. 18.  'It's too ridiculous!'
exclaimed a spinster of an UNcertain age, at No. 16, joining in the
conversation.  But who shall portray the astonishment of Gordon-
place, when Mr. Robinson handed in ALL the Miss Willises, one after
the other, and then squeezed himself into an acute angle of the
glass-coach, which forthwith proceeded at a brisk pace, after the
other glass-coach, which other glass-coach had itself proceeded, at
a brisk pace, in the direction of the parish church!  Who shall
depict the perplexity of the clergyman, when ALL the Miss Willises
knelt down at the communion-table, and repeated the responses
incidental to the marriage service in an audible voice - or who
shall describe the confusion which prevailed, when - even after the
difficulties thus occasioned had been adjusted - ALL the Miss
Willises went into hysterics at the conclusion of the ceremony,
until the sacred edifice resounded with their united wailings!

As the four sisters and Mr. Robinson continued to occupy the same
house after this memorable occasion, and as the married sister,
whoever she was, never appeared in public without the other three,
we are not quite clear that the neighbours ever would have
discovered the real Mrs. Robinson, but for a circumstance of the
most gratifying description, which WILL happen occasionally in the
best-regulated families.  Three quarter-days elapsed, and the row,
on whom a new light appeared to have been bursting for some time,
began to speak with a sort of implied confidence on the subject,
and to wonder how Mrs. Robinson - the youngest Miss Willis that was
- got on; and servants might be seen running up the steps, about
nine or ten o'clock every morning, with 'Missis's compliments, and
wishes to know how Mrs. Robinson finds herself this morning?'  And
the answer always was, 'Mrs. Robinson's compliments, and she's in
very good spirits, and doesn't find herself any worse.'  The piano
was heard no longer, the knitting-needles were laid aside, drawing
was neglected, and mantua-making and millinery, on the smallest
scale imaginable, appeared to have become the favourite amusement
of the whole family.  The parlour wasn't quite as tidy as it used
to be, and if you called in the morning, you would see lying on a
table, with an old newspaper carelessly thrown over them, two or
three particularly small caps, rather larger than if they had been
made for a moderate-sized doll, with a small piece of lace, in the
shape of a horse-shoe, let in behind:  or perhaps a white robe, not
very large in circumference, but very much out of proportion in
point of length, with a little tucker round the top, and a frill
round the bottom; and once when we called, we saw a long white
roller, with a kind of blue margin down each side, the probable use
of which, we were at a loss to conjecture.  Then we fancied that
Dr. Dawson, the surgeon, &c., who displays a large lamp with a
different colour in every pane of glass, at the corner of the row,
began to be knocked up at night oftener than he used to be; and
once we were very much alarmed by hearing a hackney-coach stop at
Mrs. Robinson's door, at half-past two o'clock in the morning, out
of which there emerged a fat old woman, in a cloak and night-cap,
with a bundle in one hand, and a pair of pattens in the other, who
looked as if she had been suddenly knocked up out of bed for some
very special purpose.

When we got up in the morning we saw that the knocker was tied up
in an old white kid glove; and we, in our innocence (we were in a
state of bachelorship then), wondered what on earth it all meant,
until we heard the eldest Miss Willis, IN PROPRIA PERSONA say, with
great dignity, in answer to the next inquiry, 'MY compliments, and
Mrs. Robinson's doing as well as can be expected, and the little
girl thrives wonderfully.'  And then, in common with the rest of
the row, our curiosity was satisfied, and we began to wonder it had
never occurred to us what the matter was, before.



CHAPTER IV - THE ELECTION FOR BEADLE



A great event has recently occurred in our parish.  A contest of
paramount interest has just terminated; a parochial convulsion has
taken place.  It has been succeeded by a glorious triumph, which
the country - or at least the parish - it is all the same - will
long remember.  We have had an election; an election for beadle.
The supporters of the old beadle system have been defeated in their
stronghold, and the advocates of the great new beadle principles
have achieved a proud victory.

Our parish, which, like all other parishes, is a little world of
its own, has long been divided into two parties, whose contentions,
slumbering for a while, have never failed to burst forth with
unabated vigour, on any occasion on which they could by possibility
be renewed.  Watching-rates, lighting-rates, paving-rates, sewer's-
rates, church-rates, poor's-rates - all sorts of rates, have been
in their turns the subjects of a grand struggle; and as to
questions of patronage, the asperity and determination with which
they have been contested is scarcely credible.

The leader of the official party - the steady advocate of the
churchwardens, and the unflinching supporter of the overseers - is
an old gentleman who lives in our row.  He owns some half a dozen
houses in it, and always walks on the opposite side of the way, so
that he may be able to take in a view of the whole of his property
at once.  He is a tall, thin, bony man, with an interrogative nose,
and little restless perking eyes, which appear to have been given
him for the sole purpose of peeping into other people's affairs
with.  He is deeply impressed with the importance of our parish
business, and prides himself, not a little, on his style of
addressing the parishioners in vestry assembled.  His views are
rather confined than extensive; his principles more narrow than
liberal.  He has been heard to declaim very loudly in favour of the
liberty of the press, and advocates the repeal of the stamp duty on
newspapers, because the daily journals who now have a monopoly of
the public, never give VERBATIM reports of vestry meetings.  He
would not appear egotistical for the world, but at the same time he
must say, that there are SPEECHES - that celebrated speech of his
own, on the emoluments of the sexton, and the duties of the office,
for instance - which might be communicated to the public, greatly
to their improvement and advantage.

His great opponent in public life is Captain Purday, the old naval
officer on half-pay, to whom we have already introduced our
readers.  The captain being a determined opponent of the
constituted authorities, whoever they may chance to be, and our
other friend being their steady supporter, with an equal disregard
of their individual merits, it will readily be supposed, that
occasions for their coming into direct collision are neither few
nor far between.  They divided the vestry fourteen times on a
motion for heating the church with warm water instead of coals:
and made speeches about liberty and expenditure, and prodigality
and hot water, which threw the whole parish into a state of
excitement.  Then the captain, when he was on the visiting
committee, and his opponent overseer, brought forward certain
distinct and specific charges relative to the management of the
workhouse, boldly expressed his total want of confidence in the
existing authorities, and moved for 'a copy of the recipe by which
the paupers' soup was prepared, together with any documents
relating thereto.'  This the overseer steadily resisted; he
fortified himself by precedent, appealed to the established usage,
and declined to produce the papers, on the ground of the injury
that would be done to the public service, if documents of a
strictly private nature, passing between the master of the
workhouse and the cook, were to be thus dragged to light on the
motion of any individual member of the vestry.  The motion was lost
by a majority of two; and then the captain, who never allows
himself to be defeated, moved for a committee of inquiry into the
whole subject.  The affair grew serious:  the question was
discussed at meeting after meeting, and vestry after vestry;
speeches were made, attacks repudiated, personal defiances
exchanged, explanations received, and the greatest excitement
prevailed, until at last, just as the question was going to be
finally decided, the vestry found that somehow or other, they had
become entangled in a point of form, from which it was impossible
to escape with propriety.  So, the motion was dropped, and
everybody looked extremely important, and seemed quite satisfied
with the meritorious nature of the whole proceeding.

This was the state of affairs in our parish a week or two since,
when Simmons, the beadle, suddenly died.  The lamented deceased had
over-exerted himself, a day or two previously, in conveying an aged
female, highly intoxicated, to the strong room of the work-house.
The excitement thus occasioned, added to a severe cold, which this
indefatigable officer had caught in his capacity of director of the
parish engine, by inadvertently playing over himself instead of a
fire, proved too much for a constitution already enfeebled by age;
and the intelligence was conveyed to the Board one evening that
Simmons had died, and left his respects.

The breath was scarcely out of the body of the deceased
functionary, when the field was filled with competitors for the
vacant office, each of whom rested his claims to public support,
entirely on the number and extent of his family, as if the office
of beadle were originally instituted as an encouragement for the
propagation of the human species.  'Bung for Beadle.  Five small
children!' - 'Hopkins for Beadle.  Seven small children!!' -
'Timkins for Beadle.  Nine small children!!!'  Such were the
placards in large black letters on a white ground, which were
plentifully pasted on the walls, and posted in the windows of the
principal shops.  Timkins's success was considered certain:
several mothers of families half promised their votes, and the nine
small children would have run over the course, but for the
production of another placard, announcing the appearance of a still
more meritorious candidate.  'Spruggins for Beadle.  Ten small
children (two of them twins), and a wife!!!'  There was no
resisting this; ten small children would have been almost
irresistible in themselves, without the twins, but the touching
parenthesis about that interesting production of nature, and the
still more touching allusion to Mrs. Spruggins, must ensure
success.  Spruggins was the favourite at once, and the appearance
of his lady, as she went about to solicit votes (which encouraged
confident hopes of a still further addition to the house of
Spruggins at no remote period), increased the general prepossession
in his favour.  The other candidates, Bung alone excepted, resigned
in despair.  The day of election was fixed; and the canvass
proceeded with briskness and perseverance on both sides.

The members of the vestry could not be supposed to escape the
contagious excitement inseparable from the occasion.  The majority
of the lady inhabitants of the parish declared at once for
Spruggins; and the QUONDAM overseer took the same side, on the
ground that men with large families always had been elected to the
office, and that although he must admit, that, in other respects,
Spruggins was the least qualified candidate of the two, still it
was an old practice, and he saw no reason why an old practice
should be departed from.  This was enough for the captain.  He
immediately sided with Bung, canvassed for him personally in all
directions, wrote squibs on Spruggins, and got his butcher to
skewer them up on conspicuous joints in his shop-front; frightened
his neighbour, the old lady, into a palpitation of the heart, by
his awful denunciations of Spruggins's party; and bounced in and
out, and up and down, and backwards and forwards, until all the
sober inhabitants of the parish thought it inevitable that he must
die of a brain fever, long before the election began.

The day of election arrived.  It was no longer an individual
struggle, but a party contest between the ins and outs.  The
question was, whether the withering influence of the overseers, the
domination of the churchwardens, and the blighting despotism of the
vestry-clerk, should be allowed to render the election of beadle a
form - a nullity:  whether they should impose a vestry-elected
beadle on the parish, to do their bidding and forward their views,
or whether the parishioners, fearlessly asserting their undoubted
rights, should elect an independent beadle of their own.

The nomination was fixed to take place in the vestry, but so great
was the throng of anxious spectators, that it was found necessary
to adjourn to the church, where the ceremony commenced with due
solemnity.  The appearance of the churchwardens and overseers, and
the ex-churchwardens and ex-overseers, with Spruggins in the rear,
excited general attention.  Spruggins was a little thin man, in
rusty black, with a long pale face, and a countenance expressive of
care and fatigue, which might either be attributed to the extent of
his family or the anxiety of his feelings.  His opponent appeared
in a cast-off coat of the captain's - a blue coat with bright
buttons; white trousers, and that description of shoes familiarly
known by the appellation of 'high-lows.'  There was a serenity in
the open countenance of Bung - a kind of moral dignity in his
confident air - an 'I wish you may get it' sort of expression in
his eye - which infused animation into his supporters, and
evidently dispirited his opponents.

The ex-churchwarden rose to propose Thomas Spruggins for beadle.
He had known him long.  He had had his eye upon him closely for
years; he had watched him with twofold vigilance for months.  (A
parishioner here suggested that this might be termed 'taking a
double sight,' but the observation was drowned in loud cries of
'Order!')  He would repeat that he had had his eye upon him for
years, and this he would say, that a more well-conducted, a more
well-behaved, a more sober, a more quiet man, with a more well-
regulated mind, he had never met with.  A man with a larger family
he had never known (cheers).  The parish required a man who could
be depended on ('Hear!' from the Spruggins side, answered by
ironical cheers from the Bung party).  Such a man he now proposed
('No,' 'Yes').  He would not allude to individuals (the ex-
churchwarden continued, in the celebrated negative style adopted by
great speakers).  He would not advert to a gentleman who had once
held a high rank in the service of his majesty; he would not say,
that that gentleman was no gentleman; he would not assert, that
that man was no man; he would not say, that he was a turbulent
parishioner; he would not say, that he had grossly misbehaved
himself, not only on this, but on all former occasions; he would
not say, that he was one of those discontented and treasonable
spirits, who carried confusion and disorder wherever they went; he
would not say, that he harboured in his heart envy, and hatred, and
malice, and all uncharitableness.  No!  He wished to have
everything comfortable and pleasant, and therefore, he would say -
nothing about him (cheers).

The captain replied in a similar parliamentary style.  He would not
say, he was astonished at the speech they had just heard; he would
not say, he was disgusted (cheers).  He would not retort the
epithets which had been hurled against him (renewed cheering); he
would not allude to men once in office, but now happily out of it,
who had mismanaged the workhouse, ground the paupers, diluted the
beer, slack-baked the bread, boned the meat, heightened the work,
and lowered the soup (tremendous cheers).  He would not ask what
such men deserved (a voice, 'Nothing a-day, and find themselves!').
He would not say, that one burst of general indignation should
drive them from the parish they polluted with their presence ('Give
it him!').  He would not allude to the unfortunate man who had been
proposed - he would not say, as the vestry's tool, but as Beadle.
He would not advert to that individual's family; he would not say,
that nine children, twins, and a wife, were very bad examples for
pauper imitation (loud cheers).  He would not advert in detail to
the qualifications of Bung.  The man stood before him, and he would
not say in his presence, what he might be disposed to say of him,
if he were absent.  (Here Mr. Bung telegraphed to a friend near
him, under cover of his hat, by contracting his left eye, and
applying his right thumb to the tip of his nose).  It had been
objected to Bung that he had only five children ('Hear, hear!' from
the opposition).  Well; he had yet to learn that the legislature
had affixed any precise amount of infantine qualification to the
office of beadle; but taking it for granted that an extensive
family were a great requisite, he entreated them to look to facts,
and compare DATA, about which there could be no mistake.  Bung was
35 years of age.  Spruggins - of whom he wished to speak with all
possible respect - was 50.  Was it not more than possible - was it
not very probable - that by the time Bung attained the latter age,
he might see around him a family, even exceeding in number and
extent, that to which Spruggins at present laid claim (deafening
cheers and waving of handkerchiefs)?  The captain concluded, amidst
loud applause, by calling upon the parishioners to sound the
tocsin, rush to the poll, free themselves from dictation, or be
slaves for ever.

On the following day the polling began, and we never have had such
a bustle in our parish since we got up our famous anti-slavery
petition, which was such an important one, that the House of
Commons ordered it to be printed, on the motion of the member for
the district.  The captain engaged two hackney-coaches and a cab
for Bung's people - the cab for the drunken voters, and the two
coaches for the old ladies, the greater portion of whom, owing to
the captain's impetuosity, were driven up to the poll and home
again, before they recovered from their flurry sufficiently to
know, with any degree of clearness, what they had been doing.  The
opposite party wholly neglected these precautions, and the
consequence was, that a great many ladies who were walking
leisurely up to the church - for it was a very hot day - to vote
for Spruggins, were artfully decoyed into the coaches, and voted
for Bung.  The captain's arguments, too, had produced considerable
effect:  the attempted influence of the vestry produced a greater.
A threat of exclusive dealing was clearly established against the
vestry-clerk - a case of heartless and profligate atrocity.  It
appeared that the delinquent had been in the habit of purchasing
six penn'orth of muffins, weekly, from an old woman who rents a
small house in the parish, and resides among the original settlers;
on her last weekly visit, a message was conveyed to her through the
medium of the cook, couched in mysterious terms, but indicating
with sufficient clearness, that the vestry-clerk's appetite for
muffins, in future, depended entirely on her vote on the
beadleship.  This was sufficient:  the stream had been turning
previously, and the impulse thus administered directed its final
course.  The Bung party ordered one shilling's-worth of muffins
weekly for the remainder of the old woman's natural life; the
parishioners were loud in their exclamations; and the fate of
Spruggins was sealed.

It was in vain that the twins were exhibited in dresses of the same
pattern, and night-caps, to match, at the church door:  the boy in
Mrs. Spruggins's right arm, and the girl in her left - even Mrs.
Spruggins herself failed to be an object of sympathy any longer.
The majority attained by Bung on the gross poll was four hundred
and twenty-eight, and the cause of the parishioners triumphed.



CHAPTER V - THE BROKER'S MAN



The excitement of the late election has subsided, and our parish
being once again restored to a state of comparative tranquillity,
we are enabled to devote our attention to those parishioners who
take little share in our party contests or in the turmoil and
bustle of public life.  And we feel sincere pleasure in
acknowledging here, that in collecting materials for this task we
have been greatly assisted by Mr. Bung himself, who has imposed on
us a debt of obligation which we fear we can never repay.  The life
of this gentleman has been one of a very chequered description:  he
has undergone transitions - not from grave to gay, for he never was
grave - not from lively to severe, for severity forms no part of
his disposition; his fluctuations have been between poverty in the
extreme, and poverty modified, or, to use his own emphatic
language, 'between nothing to eat and just half enough.'  He is
not, as he forcibly remarks, 'one of those fortunate men who, if
they were to dive under one side of a barge stark-naked, would come
up on the other with a new suit of clothes on, and a ticket for
soup in the waistcoat-pocket:' neither is he one of those, whose
spirit has been broken beyond redemption by misfortune and want.
He is just one of the careless, good-for-nothing, happy fellows,
who float, cork-like, on the surface, for the world to play at
hockey with:  knocked here, and there, and everywhere:  now to the
right, then to the left, again up in the air, and anon to the
bottom, but always reappearing and bounding with the stream
buoyantly and merrily along.  Some few months before he was
prevailed upon to stand a contested election for the office of
beadle, necessity attached him to the service of a broker; and on
the opportunities he here acquired of ascertaining the condition of
most of the poorer inhabitants of the parish, his patron, the
captain, first grounded his claims to public support.  Chance threw
the man in our way a short time since.  We were, in the first
instance, attracted by his prepossessing impudence at the election;
we were not surprised, on further acquaintance, to find him a
shrewd, knowing fellow, with no inconsiderable power of
observation; and, after conversing with him a little, were somewhat
struck (as we dare say our readers have frequently been in other
cases) with the power some men seem to have, not only of
sympathising with, but to all appearance of understanding feelings
to which they themselves are entire strangers.  We had been
expressing to the new functionary our surprise that he should ever
have served in the capacity to which we have just adverted, when we
gradually led him into one or two professional anecdotes.  As we
are induced to think, on reflection, that they will tell better in
nearly his own words, than with any attempted embellishments of
ours, we will at once entitle them.


MR BUNG'S NARRATIVE


'It's very true, as you say, sir,' Mr. Bung commenced, 'that a
broker's man's is not a life to be envied; and in course you know
as well as I do, though you don't say it, that people hate and
scout 'em because they're the ministers of wretchedness, like, to
poor people.  But what could I do, sir?  The thing was no worse
because I did it, instead of somebody else; and if putting me in
possession of a house would put me in possession of three and
sixpence a day, and levying a distress on another man's goods would
relieve my distress and that of my family, it can't be expected but
what I'd take the job and go through with it.  I never liked it,
God knows; I always looked out for something else, and the moment I
got other work to do, I left it.  If there is anything wrong in
being the agent in such matters - not the principal, mind you - I'm
sure the business, to a beginner like I was, at all events, carries
its own punishment along with it.  I wished again and again that
the people would only blow me up, or pitch into me - that I
wouldn't have minded, it's all in my way; but it's the being shut
up by yourself in one room for five days, without so much as an old
newspaper to look at, or anything to see out o' the winder but the
roofs and chimneys at the back of the house, or anything to listen
to, but the ticking, perhaps, of an old Dutch clock, the sobbing of
the missis, now and then, the low talking of friends in the next
room, who speak in whispers, lest "the man" should overhear them,
or perhaps the occasional opening of the door, as a child peeps in
to look at you, and then runs half-frightened away - it's all this,
that makes you feel sneaking somehow, and ashamed of yourself; and
then, if it's wintertime, they just give you fire enough to make
you think you'd like more, and bring in your grub as if they wished
it 'ud choke you - as I dare say they do, for the matter of that,
most heartily.  If they're very civil, they make you up a bed in
the room at night, and if they don't, your master sends one in for
you; but there you are, without being washed or shaved all the
time, shunned by everybody, and spoken to by no one, unless some
one comes in at dinner-time, and asks you whether you want any
more, in a tone as much to say, "I hope you don't," or, in the
evening, to inquire whether you wouldn't rather have a candle,
after you've been sitting in the dark half the night.  When I was
left in this way, I used to sit, think, think, thinking, till I
felt as lonesome as a kitten in a wash-house copper with the lid
on; but I believe the old brokers' men who are regularly trained to
it, never think at all.  I have heard some on 'em say, indeed, that
they don't know how!

'I put in a good many distresses in my time (continued Mr. Bung),
and in course I wasn't long in finding, that some people are not as
much to be pitied as others are, and that people with good incomes
who get into difficulties, which they keep patching up day after
day and week after week, get so used to these sort of things in
time, that at last they come scarcely to feel them at all.  I
remember the very first place I was put in possession of, was a
gentleman's house in this parish here, that everybody would suppose
couldn't help having money if he tried.  I went with old Fixem, my
old master, 'bout half arter eight in the morning; rang the area-
bell; servant in livery opened the door:  "Governor at home?" -
"Yes, he is," says the man; "but he's breakfasting just now."
"Never mind," says Fixem, "just you tell him there's a gentleman
here, as wants to speak to him partickler."  So the servant he
opens his eyes, and stares about him all ways - looking for the
gentleman, as it struck me, for I don't think anybody but a man as
was stone-blind would mistake Fixem for one; and as for me, I was
as seedy as a cheap cowcumber.  Hows'ever, he turns round, and goes
to the breakfast-parlour, which was a little snug sort of room at
the end of the passage, and Fixem (as we always did in that
profession), without waiting to be announced, walks in arter him,
and before the servant could get out, "Please, sir, here's a man as
wants to speak to you," looks in at the door as familiar and
pleasant as may be.  "Who the devil are you, and how dare you walk
into a gentleman's house without leave?" says the master, as fierce
as a bull in fits.  "My name," says Fixem, winking to the master to
send the servant away, and putting the warrant into his hands
folded up like a note, "My name's Smith," says he, "and I called
from Johnson's about that business of Thompson's." - "Oh," says the
other, quite down on him directly, "How IS Thompson?" says he;
"Pray sit down, Mr. Smith:  John, leave the room."  Out went the
servant; and the gentleman and Fixem looked at one another till
they couldn't look any longer, and then they varied the amusements
by looking at me, who had been standing on the mat all this time.
"Hundred and fifty pounds, I see," said the gentleman at last.
"Hundred and fifty pound," said Fixem, "besides cost of levy,
sheriff's poundage, and all other incidental expenses." - "Um,"
says the gentleman, "I shan't be able to settle this before to-
morrow afternoon." - "Very sorry; but I shall be obliged to leave
my man here till then," replies Fixem, pretending to look very
miserable over it.  "That's very unfort'nate," says the gentleman,
"for I have got a large party here to-night, and I'm ruined if
those fellows of mine get an inkling of the matter - just step
here, Mr. Smith," says he, after a short pause.  So Fixem walks
with him up to the window, and after a good deal of whispering, and
a little chinking of suverins, and looking at me, he comes back and
says, "Bung, you're a handy fellow, and very honest I know.  This
gentleman wants an assistant to clean the plate and wait at table
to-day, and if you're not particularly engaged," says old Fixem,
grinning like mad, and shoving a couple of suverins into my hand,
"he'll be very glad to avail himself of your services."  Well, I
laughed:  and the gentleman laughed, and we all laughed; and I went
home and cleaned myself, leaving Fixem there, and when I went back,
Fixem went away, and I polished up the plate, and waited at table,
and gammoned the servants, and nobody had the least idea I was in
possession, though it very nearly came out after all; for one of
the last gentlemen who remained, came down-stairs into the hall
where I was sitting pretty late at night, and putting half-a-crown
into my hand, says, "Here, my man," says he, "run and get me a
coach, will you?"  I thought it was a do, to get me out of the
house, and was just going to say so, sulkily enough, when the
gentleman (who was up to everything) came running down-stairs, as
if he was in great anxiety.  "Bung," says he, pretending to be in a
consuming passion.  "Sir," says I.  "Why the devil an't you looking
after that plate?" - "I was just going to send him for a coach for
me," says the other gentleman.  "And I was just a-going to say,"
says I - "Anybody else, my dear fellow," interrupts the master of
the house, pushing me down the passage to get out of the way -
"anybody else; but I have put this man in possession of all the
plate and valuables, and I cannot allow him on any consideration
whatever, to leave the house.  Bung, you scoundrel, go and count
those forks in the breakfast-parlour instantly."  You may be sure I
went laughing pretty hearty when I found it was all right.  The
money was paid next day, with the addition of something else for
myself, and that was the best job that I (and I suspect old Fixem
too) ever got in that line.

'But this is the bright side of the picture, sir, after all,'
resumed Mr. Bung, laying aside the knowing look and flash air, with
which he had repeated the previous anecdote - 'and I'm sorry to
say, it's the side one sees very, very seldom, in comparison with
the dark one.  The civility which money will purchase, is rarely
extended to those who have none; and there's a consolation even in
being able to patch up one difficulty, to make way for another, to
which very poor people are strangers.  I was once put into a house
down George's-yard - that little dirty court at the back of the
gas-works; and I never shall forget the misery of them people, dear
me!  It was a distress for half a year's rent - two pound ten, I
think.  There was only two rooms in the house, and as there was no
passage, the lodgers up-stairs always went through the room of the
people of the house, as they passed in and out; and every time they
did so -which, on the average, was about four times every quarter
of an hour - they blowed up quite frightful:  for their things had
been seized too, and included in the inventory.  There was a little
piece of enclosed dust in front of the house, with a cinder-path
leading up to the door, and an open rain-water butt on one side.  A
dirty striped curtain, on a very slack string, hung in the window,
and a little triangular bit of broken looking-glass rested on the
sill inside.  I suppose it was meant for the people's use, but
their appearance was so wretched, and so miserable, that I'm
certain they never could have plucked up courage to look themselves
in the face a second time, if they survived the fright of doing so
once.  There was two or three chairs, that might have been worth,
in their best days, from eightpence to a shilling a-piece; a small
deal table, an old corner cupboard with nothing in it, and one of
those bedsteads which turn up half way, and leave the bottom legs
sticking out for you to knock your head against, or hang your hat
upon; no bed, no bedding.  There was an old sack, by way of rug,
before the fireplace, and four or five children were grovelling
about, among the sand on the floor.  The execution was only put in,
to get 'em out of the house, for there was nothing to take to pay
the expenses; and here I stopped for three days, though that was a
mere form too:  for, in course, I knew, and we all knew, they could
never pay the money.  In one of the chairs, by the side of the
place where the fire ought to have been, was an old 'ooman - the
ugliest and dirtiest I ever see - who sat rocking herself backwards
and forwards, backwards and forwards, without once stopping, except
for an instant now and then, to clasp together the withered hands
which, with these exceptions, she kept constantly rubbing upon her
knees, just raising and depressing her fingers convulsively, in
time to the rocking of the chair.  On the other side sat the mother
with an infant in her arms, which cried till it cried itself to
sleep, and when it 'woke, cried till it cried itself off again.
The old 'ooman's voice I never heard:  she seemed completely
stupefied; and as to the mother's, it would have been better if she
had been so too, for misery had changed her to a devil.  If you had
heard how she cursed the little naked children as was rolling on
the floor, and seen how savagely she struck the infant when it
cried with hunger, you'd have shuddered as much as I did.  There
they remained all the time:  the children ate a morsel of bread
once or twice, and I gave 'em best part of the dinners my missis
brought me, but the woman ate nothing; they never even laid on the
bedstead, nor was the room swept or cleaned all the time.  The
neighbours were all too poor themselves to take any notice of 'em,
but from what I could make out from the abuse of the woman up-
stairs, it seemed the husband had been transported a few weeks
before.  When the time was up, the landlord and old Fixem too, got
rather frightened about the family, and so they made a stir about
it, and had 'em taken to the workhouse.  They sent the sick couch
for the old 'ooman, and Simmons took the children away at night.
The old 'ooman went into the infirmary, and very soon died.  The
children are all in the house to this day, and very comfortable
they are in comparison.  As to the mother, there was no taming her
at all.  She had been a quiet, hard-working woman, I believe, but
her misery had actually drove her wild; so after she had been sent
to the house of correction half-a-dozen times, for throwing
inkstands at the overseers, blaspheming the churchwardens, and
smashing everybody as come near her, she burst a blood-vessel one
mornin', and died too; and a happy release it was, both for herself
and the old paupers, male and female, which she used to tip over in
all directions, as if they were so many skittles, and she the ball.

'Now this was bad enough,' resumed Mr. Bung, taking a half-step
towards the door, as if to intimate that he had nearly concluded.
'This was bad enough, but there was a sort of quiet misery - if you
understand what I mean by that, sir - about a lady at one house I
was put into, as touched me a good deal more.  It doesn't matter
where it was exactly:  indeed, I'd rather not say, but it was the
same sort o' job.  I went with Fixem in the usual way - there was a
year's rent in arrear; a very small servant-girl opened the door,
and three or four fine-looking little children was in the front
parlour we were shown into, which was very clean, but very scantily
furnished, much like the children themselves.  "Bung," says Fixem
to me, in a low voice, when we were left alone for a minute, "I
know something about this here family, and my opinion is, it's no
go."  "Do you think they can't settle?" says I, quite anxiously;
for I liked the looks of them children.  Fixem shook his head, and
was just about to reply, when the door opened, and in come a lady,
as white as ever I see any one in my days, except about the eyes,
which were red with crying.  She walked in, as firm as I could have
done; shut the door carefully after her, and sat herself down with
a face as composed as if it was made of stone.  "What is the
matter, gentlemen?" says she, in a surprisin' steady voice.  "IS
this an execution?"  "It is, mum," says Fixem.  The lady looked at
him as steady as ever:  she didn't seem to have understood him.
"It is, mum," says Fixem again; "this is my warrant of distress,
mum," says he, handing it over as polite as if it was a newspaper
which had been bespoke arter the next gentleman.

'The lady's lip trembled as she took the printed paper.  She cast
her eye over it, and old Fixem began to explain the form, but saw
she wasn't reading it, plain enough, poor thing.  "Oh, my God!"
says she, suddenly a-bursting out crying, letting the warrant fall,
and hiding her face in her hands.  "Oh, my God! what will become of
us!"  The noise she made, brought in a young lady of about nineteen
or twenty, who, I suppose, had been a-listening at the door, and
who had got a little boy in her arms:  she sat him down in the
lady's lap, without speaking, and she hugged the poor little fellow
to her bosom, and cried over him, till even old Fixem put on his
blue spectacles to hide the two tears, that was a-trickling down,
one on each side of his dirty face.  "Now, dear ma," says the young
lady, "you know how much you have borne.  For all our sakes - for
pa's sake," says she, "don't give way to this!" - "No, no, I
won't!" says the lady, gathering herself up, hastily, and drying
her eyes; "I am very foolish, but I'm better now - much better."
And then she roused herself up, went with us into every room while
we took the inventory, opened all the drawers of her own accord,
sorted the children's little clothes to make the work easier; and,
except doing everything in a strange sort of hurry, seemed as calm
and composed as if nothing had happened.  When we came down-stairs
again, she hesitated a minute or two, and at last says,
"Gentlemen," says she, "I am afraid I have done wrong, and perhaps
it may bring you into trouble.  I secreted just now," she says,
"the only trinket I have left in the world - here it is."  So she
lays down on the table a little miniature mounted in gold.  "It's a
miniature," she says, "of my poor dear father!  I little thought
once, that I should ever thank God for depriving me of the
original, but I do, and have done for years back, most fervently.
Take it away, sir," she says, "it's a face that never turned from
me in sickness and distress, and I can hardly bear to turn from it
now, when, God knows, I suffer both in no ordinary degree."  I
couldn't say nothing, but I raised my head from the inventory which
I was filling up, and looked at Fixem; the old fellow nodded to me
significantly, so I ran my pen through the "MINI" I had just
written, and left the miniature on the table.

'Well, sir, to make short of a long story, I was left in
possession, and in possession I remained; and though I was an
ignorant man, and the master of the house a clever one, I saw what
he never did, but what he would give worlds now (if he had 'em) to
have seen in time.  I saw, sir, that his wife was wasting away,
beneath cares of which she never complained, and griefs she never
told.  I saw that she was dying before his eyes; I knew that one
exertion from him might have saved her, but he never made it.  I
don't blame him:  I don't think he COULD rouse himself.  She had so
long anticipated all his wishes, and acted for him, that he was a
lost man when left to himself.  I used to think when I caught sight
of her, in the clothes she used to wear, which looked shabby even
upon her, and would have been scarcely decent on any one else, that
if I was a gentleman it would wring my very heart to see the woman
that was a smart and merry girl when I courted her, so altered
through her love for me.  Bitter cold and damp weather it was, yet,
though her dress was thin, and her shoes none of the best, during
the whole three days, from morning to night, she was out of doors
running about to try and raise the money.  The money WAS raised and
the execution was paid out.  The whole family crowded into the room
where I was, when the money arrived.  The father was quite happy as
the inconvenience was removed - I dare say he didn't know how; the
children looked merry and cheerful again; the eldest girl was
bustling about, making preparations for the first comfortable meal
they had had since the distress was put in; and the mother looked
pleased to see them all so.  But if ever I saw death in a woman's
face, I saw it in hers that night.

'I was right, sir,' continued Mr. Bung, hurriedly passing his coat-
sleeve over his face; 'the family grew more prosperous, and good
fortune arrived.  But it was too late.  Those children are
motherless now, and their father would give up all he has since
gained - house, home, goods, money:  all that he has, or ever can
have, to restore the wife he has lost.'



CHAPTER VI - THE LADIES' SOCIETIES



Our Parish is very prolific in ladies' charitable institutions.  In
winter, when wet feet are common, and colds not scarce, we have the
ladies' soup distribution society, the ladies' coal distribution
society, and the ladies' blanket distribution society; in summer,
when stone fruits flourish and stomach aches prevail, we have the
ladies' dispensary, and the ladies' sick visitation committee; and
all the year round we have the ladies' child's examination society,
the ladies' bible and prayer-book circulation society, and the
ladies' childbed-linen monthly loan society.  The two latter are
decidedly the most important; whether they are productive of more
benefit than the rest, it is not for us to say, but we can take
upon ourselves to affirm, with the utmost solemnity, that they
create a greater stir and more bustle, than all the others put
together.

We should be disposed to affirm, on the first blush of the matter,
that the bible and prayer-book society is not so popular as the
childbed-linen society; the bible and prayer-book society has,
however, considerably increased in importance within the last year
or two, having derived some adventitious aid from the factious
opposition of the child's examination society; which factious
opposition originated in manner following:- When the young curate
was popular, and all the unmarried ladies in the parish took a
serious turn, the charity children all at once became objects of
peculiar and especial interest.  The three Miss Browns
(enthusiastic admirers of the curate) taught, and exercised, and
examined, and re-examined the unfortunate children, until the boys
grew pale, and the girls consumptive with study and fatigue.  The
three Miss Browns stood it out very well, because they relieved
each other; but the children, having no relief at all, exhibited
decided symptoms of weariness and care.  The unthinking part of the
parishioners laughed at all this, but the more reflective portion
of the inhabitants abstained from expressing any opinion on the
subject until that of the curate had been clearly ascertained.

The opportunity was not long wanting.  The curate preached a
charity sermon on behalf of the charity school, and in the charity
sermon aforesaid, expatiated in glowing terms on the praiseworthy
and indefatigable exertions of certain estimable individuals.  Sobs
were heard to issue from the three Miss Browns' pew; the pew-opener
of the division was seen to hurry down the centre aisle to the
vestry door, and to return immediately, bearing a glass of water in
her hand.  A low moaning ensued; two more pew-openers rushed to the
spot, and the three Miss Browns, each supported by a pew-opener,
were led out of the church, and led in again after the lapse of
five minutes with white pocket-handkerchiefs to their eyes, as if
they had been attending a funeral in the churchyard adjoining.  If
any doubt had for a moment existed, as to whom the allusion was
intended to apply, it was at once removed.  The wish to enlighten
the charity children became universal, and the three Miss Browns
were unanimously besought to divide the school into classes, and to
assign each class to the superintendence of two young ladies.

A little learning is a dangerous thing, but a little patronage is
more so; the three Miss Browns appointed all the old maids, and
carefully excluded the young ones.  Maiden aunts triumphed, mammas
were reduced to the lowest depths of despair, and there is no
telling in what act of violence the general indignation against the
three Miss Browns might have vented itself, had not a perfectly
providential occurrence changed the tide of public feeling.  Mrs.
Johnson Parker, the mother of seven extremely fine girls - all
unmarried - hastily reported to several other mammas of several
other unmarried families, that five old men, six old women, and
children innumerable, in the free seats near her pew, were in the
habit of coming to church every Sunday, without either bible or
prayer-book.  Was this to be borne in a civilised country?  Could
such things be tolerated in a Christian land?  Never!  A ladies'
bible and prayer-book distribution society was instantly formed:
president, Mrs. Johnson Parker; treasurers, auditors, and
secretary, the Misses Johnson Parker:  subscriptions were entered
into, books were bought, all the free-seat people provided
therewith, and when the first lesson was given out, on the first
Sunday succeeding these events, there was such a dropping of books,
and rustling of leaves, that it was morally impossible to hear one
word of the service for five minutes afterwards.

The three Miss Browns, and their party, saw the approaching danger,
and endeavoured to avert it by ridicule and sarcasm.  Neither the
old men nor the old women could read their books, now they had got
them, said the three Miss Browns.  Never mind; they could learn,
replied Mrs. Johnson Parker.  The children couldn't read either,
suggested the three Miss Browns.  No matter; they could be taught,
retorted Mrs. Johnson Parker.  A balance of parties took place.
The Miss Browns publicly examined - popular feeling inclined to the
child's examination society.  The Miss Johnson Parkers publicly
distributed - a reaction took place in favour of the prayer-book
distribution.  A feather would have turned the scale, and a feather
did turn it.  A missionary returned from the West Indies; he was to
be presented to the Dissenters' Missionary Society on his marriage
with a wealthy widow.  Overtures were made to the Dissenters by the
Johnson Parkers.  Their object was the same, and why not have a
joint meeting of the two societies?  The proposition was accepted.
The meeting was duly heralded by public announcement, and the room
was crowded to suffocation.  The Missionary appeared on the
platform; he was hailed with enthusiasm.  He repeated a dialogue he
had heard between two negroes, behind a hedge, on the subject of
distribution societies; the approbation was tumultuous.  He gave an
imitation of the two negroes in broken English; the roof was rent
with applause.  From that period we date (with one trifling
exception) a daily increase in the popularity of the distribution
society, and an increase of popularity, which the feeble and
impotent opposition of the examination party, has only tended to
augment.

Now, the great points about the childbed-linen monthly loan society
are, that it is less dependent on the fluctuations of public
opinion than either the distribution or the child's examination;
and that, come what may, there is never any lack of objects on
which to exercise its benevolence.  Our parish is a very populous
one, and, if anything, contributes, we should be disposed to say,
rather more than its due share to the aggregate amount of births in
the metropolis and its environs.  The consequence is, that the
monthly loan society flourishes, and invests its members with a
most enviable amount of bustling patronage.  The society (whose
only notion of dividing time, would appear to be its allotment into
months) holds monthly tea-drinkings, at which the monthly report is
received, a secretary elected for the month ensuing, and such of
the monthly boxes as may not happen to be out on loan for the
month, carefully examined.

We were never present at one of these meetings, from all of which
it is scarcely necessary to say, gentlemen are carefully excluded;
but Mr. Bung has been called before the board once or twice, and we
have his authority for stating, that its proceedings are conducted
with great order and regularity:  not more than four members being
allowed to speak at one time on any pretence whatever.  The regular
committee is composed exclusively of married ladies, but a vast
number of young unmarried ladies of from eighteen to twenty-five
years of age, respectively, are admitted as honorary members,
partly because they are very useful in replenishing the boxes, and
visiting the confined; partly because it is highly desirable that
they should be initiated, at an early period, into the more serious
and matronly duties of after-life; and partly, because prudent
mammas have not unfrequently been known to turn this circumstance
to wonderfully good account in matrimonial speculations.

In addition to the loan of the monthly boxes (which are always
painted blue, with the name of the society in large white letters
on the lid), the society dispense occasional grants of beef-tea,
and a composition of warm beer, spice, eggs, and sugar, commonly
known by the name of 'candle,' to its patients.  And here again the
services of the honorary members are called into requisition, and
most cheerfully conceded.  Deputations of twos or threes are sent
out to visit the patients, and on these occasions there is such a
tasting of candle and beef-tea, such a stirring about of little
messes in tiny saucepans on the hob, such a dressing and undressing
of infants, such a tying, and folding, and pinning; such a nursing
and warming of little legs and feet before the fire, such a
delightful confusion of talking and cooking, bustle, importance,
and officiousness, as never can be enjoyed in its full extent but
on similar occasions.

In rivalry of these two institutions, and as a last expiring effort
to acquire parochial popularity, the child's examination people
determined, the other day, on having a grand public examination of
the pupils; and the large school-room of the national seminary was,
by and with the consent of the parish authorities, devoted to the
purpose.  Invitation circulars were forwarded to all the principal
parishioners, including, of course, the heads of the other two
societies, for whose especial behoof and edification the display
was intended; and a large audience was confidently anticipated on
the occasion.  The floor was carefully scrubbed the day before,
under the immediate superintendence of the three Miss Browns; forms
were placed across the room for the accommodation of the visitors,
specimens in writing were carefully selected, and as carefully
patched and touched up, until they astonished the children who had
written them, rather more than the company who read them; sums in
compound addition were rehearsed and re-rehearsed until all the
children had the totals by heart; and the preparations altogether
were on the most laborious and most comprehensive scale.  The
morning arrived:  the children were yellow-soaped and flannelled,
and towelled, till their faces shone again; every pupil's hair was
carefully combed into his or her eyes, as the case might be; the
girls were adorned with snow-white tippets, and caps bound round
the head by a single purple ribbon:  the necks of the elder boys
were fixed into collars of startling dimensions.

The doors were thrown open, and the Misses Brown and Co. were
discovered in plain white muslin dresses, and caps of the same -
the child's examination uniform.  The room filled:  the greetings
of the company were loud and cordial.  The distributionists
trembled, for their popularity was at stake.  The eldest boy fell
forward, and delivered a propitiatory address from behind his
collar.  It was from the pen of Mr. Henry Brown; the applause was
universal, and the Johnson Parkers were aghast.  The examination
proceeded with success, and terminated in triumph.  The child's
examination society gained a momentary victory, and the Johnson
Parkers retreated in despair.

A secret council of the distributionists was held that night, with
Mrs. Johnson Parker in the chair, to consider of the best means of
recovering the ground they had lost in the favour of the parish.
What could be done?  Another meeting!  Alas! who was to attend it?
The Missionary would not do twice; and the slaves were emancipated.
A bold step must be taken.  The parish must be astonished in some
way or other; but no one was able to suggest what the step should
be.  At length, a very old lady was heard to mumble, in indistinct
tones, 'Exeter Hall.'  A sudden light broke in upon the meeting.
It was unanimously resolved, that a deputation of old ladies should
wait upon a celebrated orator, imploring his assistance, and the
favour of a speech; and the deputation should also wait on two or
three other imbecile old women, not resident in the parish, and
entreat their attendance.  The application was successful, the
meeting was held; the orator (an Irishman) came.  He talked of
green isles - other shores - vast Atlantic - bosom of the deep -
Christian charity - blood and extermination - mercy in hearts -
arms in hands - altars and homes - household gods.  He wiped his
eyes, he blew his nose, and he quoted Latin.  The effect was
tremendous - the Latin was a decided hit.  Nobody knew exactly what
it was about, but everybody knew it must be affecting, because even
the orator was overcome.  The popularity of the distribution
society among the ladies of our parish is unprecedented; and the
child's examination is going fast to decay.



CHAPTER VII - OUR NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOUR



We are very fond of speculating as we walk through a street, on the
character and pursuits of the people who inhabit it; and nothing so
materially assists us in these speculations as the appearance of
the house doors.  The various expressions of the human countenance
afford a beautiful and interesting study; but there is something in
the physiognomy of street-door knockers, almost as characteristic,
and nearly as infallible.  Whenever we visit a man for the first
time, we contemplate the features of his knocker with the greatest
curiosity, for we well know, that between the man and his knocker,
there will inevitably be a greater or less degree of resemblance
and sympathy.

For instance, there is one description of knocker that used to be
common enough, but which is fast passing away - a large round one,
with the jolly face of a convivial lion smiling blandly at you, as
you twist the sides of your hair into a curl or pull up your shirt-
collar while you are waiting for the door to be opened; we never
saw that knocker on the door of a churlish man - so far as our
experience is concerned, it invariably bespoke hospitality and
another bottle.

No man ever saw this knocker on the door of a small attorney or
bill-broker; they always patronise the other lion; a heavy
ferocious-looking fellow, with a countenance expressive of savage
stupidity - a sort of grand master among the knockers, and a great
favourite with the selfish and brutal.

Then there is a little pert Egyptian knocker, with a long thin
face, a pinched-up nose, and a very sharp chin; he is most in vogue
with your government-office people, in light drabs and starched
cravats; little spare, priggish men, who are perfectly satisfied
with their own opinions, and consider themselves of paramount
importance.

We were greatly troubled a few years ago, by the innovation of a
new kind of knocker, without any face at all, composed of a wreath
depending from a hand or small truncheon.  A little trouble and
attention, however, enabled us to overcome this difficulty, and to
reconcile the new system to our favourite theory.  You will
invariably find this knocker on the doors of cold and formal
people, who always ask you why you DON'T come, and never say DO.

Everybody knows the brass knocker is common to suburban villas, and
extensive boarding-schools; and having noticed this genus we have
recapitulated all the most prominent and strongly-defined species.

Some phrenologists affirm, that the agitation of a man's brain by
different passions, produces corresponding developments in the form
of his skull.  Do not let us be understood as pushing our theory to
the full length of asserting, that any alteration in a man's
disposition would produce a visible effect on the feature of his
knocker.  Our position merely is, that in such a case, the
magnetism which must exist between a man and his knocker, would
induce the man to remove, and seek some knocker more congenial to
his altered feelings.  If you ever find a man changing his
habitation without any reasonable pretext, depend upon it, that,
although he may not be aware of the fact himself, it is because he
and his knocker are at variance.  This is a new theory, but we
venture to launch it, nevertheless, as being quite as ingenious and
infallible as many thousands of the learned speculations which are
daily broached for public good and private fortune-making.

Entertaining these feelings on the subject of knockers, it will be
readily imagined with what consternation we viewed the entire
removal of the knocker from the door of the next house to the one
we lived in, some time ago, and the substitution of a bell.  This
was a calamity we had never anticipated.  The bare idea of anybody
being able to exist without a knocker, appeared so wild and
visionary, that it had never for one instant entered our
imagination.

We sauntered moodily from the spot, and bent our steps towards
Eaton-square, then just building.  What was our astonishment and
indignation to find that bells were fast becoming the rule, and
knockers the exception!  Our theory trembled beneath the shock.  We
hastened home; and fancying we foresaw in the swift progress of
events, its entire abolition, resolved from that day forward to
vent our speculations on our next-door neighbours in person.  The
house adjoining ours on the left hand was uninhabited, and we had,
therefore, plenty of leisure to observe our next-door neighbours on
the other side.

The house without the knocker was in the occupation of a city
clerk, and there was a neatly-written bill in the parlour window
intimating that lodgings for a single gentleman were to be let
within.

It was a neat, dull little house, on the shady side of the way,
with new, narrow floorcloth in the passage, and new, narrow stair-
carpets up to the first floor.  The paper was new, and the paint
was new, and the furniture was new; and all three, paper, paint,
and furniture, bespoke the limited means of the tenant.  There was
a little red and black carpet in the drawing-room, with a border of
flooring all the way round; a few stained chairs and a pembroke
table.  A pink shell was displayed on each of the little
sideboards, which, with the addition of a tea-tray and caddy, a few
more shells on the mantelpiece, and three peacock's feathers
tastefully arranged above them, completed the decorative furniture
of the apartment.

This was the room destined for the reception of the single
gentleman during the day, and a little back room on the same floor
was assigned as his sleeping apartment by night.

The bill had not been long in the window, when a stout, good-
humoured looking gentleman, of about five-and-thirty, appeared as a
candidate for the tenancy.  Terms were soon arranged, for the bill
was taken down immediately after his first visit.  In a day or two
the single gentleman came in, and shortly afterwards his real
character came out.

First of all, he displayed a most extraordinary partiality for
sitting up till three or four o'clock in the morning, drinking
whiskey-and-water, and smoking cigars; then he invited friends
home, who used to come at ten o'clock, and begin to get happy about
the small hours, when they evinced their perfect contentment by
singing songs with half-a-dozen verses of two lines each, and a
chorus of ten, which chorus used to be shouted forth by the whole
strength of the company, in the most enthusiastic and vociferous
manner, to the great annoyance of the neighbours, and the special
discomfort of another single gentleman overhead.

Now, this was bad enough, occurring as it did three times a week on
the average, but this was not all; for when the company DID go
away, instead of walking quietly down the street, as anybody else's
company would have done, they amused themselves by making alarming
and frightful noises, and counterfeiting the shrieks of females in
distress; and one night, a red-faced gentleman in a white hat
knocked in the most urgent manner at the door of the powdered-
headed old gentleman at No. 3, and when the powdered-headed old
gentleman, who thought one of his married daughters must have been
taken ill prematurely, had groped down-stairs, and after a great
deal of unbolting and key-turning, opened the street door, the red-
faced man in the white hat said he hoped he'd excuse his giving him
so much trouble, but he'd feel obliged if he'd favour him with a
glass of cold spring water, and the loan of a shilling for a cab to
take him home, on which the old gentleman slammed the door and went
up-stairs, and threw the contents of his water jug out of window -
very straight, only it went over the wrong man; and the whole
street was involved in confusion.

A joke's a joke; and even practical jests are very capital in their
way, if you can only get the other party to see the fun of them;
but the population of our street were so dull of apprehension, as
to be quite lost to a sense of the drollery of this proceeding:
and the consequence was, that our next-door neighbour was obliged
to tell the single gentleman, that unless he gave up entertaining
his friends at home, he really must be compelled to part with him.

The single gentleman received the remonstrance with great good-
humour, and promised from that time forward, to spend his evenings
at a coffee-house - a determination which afforded general and
unmixed satisfaction.

The next night passed off very well, everybody being delighted with
the change; but on the next, the noises were renewed with greater
spirit than ever.  The single gentleman's friends being unable to
see him in his own house every alternate night, had come to the
determination of seeing him home every night; and what with the
discordant greetings of the friends at parting, and the noise
created by the single gentleman in his passage up-stairs, and his
subsequent struggles to get his boots off, the evil was not to be
borne.  So, our next-door neighbour gave the single gentleman, who
was a very good lodger in other respects, notice to quit; and the
single gentleman went away, and entertained his friends in other
lodgings.

The next applicant for the vacant first floor, was of a very
different character from the troublesome single gentleman who had
just quitted it.  He was a tall, thin, young gentleman, with a
profusion of brown hair, reddish whiskers, and very slightly
developed moustaches.  He wore a braided surtout, with frogs
behind, light grey trousers, and wash-leather gloves, and had
altogether rather a military appearance.  So unlike the roystering
single gentleman.  Such insinuating manners, and such a delightful
address!  So seriously disposed, too!  When he first came to look
at the lodgings, he inquired most particularly whether he was sure
to be able to get a seat in the parish church; and when he had
agreed to take them, he requested to have a list of the different
local charities, as he intended to subscribe his mite to the most
deserving among them.

Our next-door neighbour was now perfectly happy.  He had got a
lodger at last, of just his own way of thinking - a serious, well-
disposed man, who abhorred gaiety, and loved retirement.  He took
down the bill with a light heart, and pictured in imagination a
long series of quiet Sundays, on which he and his lodger would
exchange mutual civilities and Sunday papers.

The serious man arrived, and his luggage was to arrive from the
country next morning.  He borrowed a clean shirt, and a prayer-
book, from our next-door neighbour, and retired to rest at an early
hour, requesting that he might be called punctually at ten o'clock
next morning - not before, as he was much fatigued.

He WAS called, and did not answer:  he was called again, but there
was no reply.  Our next-door neighbour became alarmed, and burst
the door open.  The serious man had left the house mysteriously;
carrying with him the shirt, the prayer-book, a teaspoon, and the
bedclothes.

Whether this occurrence, coupled with the irregularities of his
former lodger, gave our next-door neighbour an aversion to single
gentlemen, we know not; we only know that the next bill which made
its appearance in the parlour window intimated generally, that
there were furnished apartments to let on the first floor.  The
bill was soon removed.  The new lodgers at first attracted our
curiosity, and afterwards excited our interest.

They were a young lad of eighteen or nineteen, and his mother, a
lady of about fifty, or it might be less.  The mother wore a
widow's weeds, and the boy was also clothed in deep mourning.  They
were poor - very poor; for their only means of support arose from
the pittance the boy earned, by copying writings, and translating
for booksellers.

They had removed from some country place and settled in London;
partly because it afforded better chances of employment for the
boy, and partly, perhaps, with the natural desire to leave a place
where they had been in better circumstances, and where their
poverty was known.  They were proud under their reverses, and above
revealing their wants and privations to strangers.  How bitter
those privations were, and how hard the boy worked to remove them,
no one ever knew but themselves.  Night after night, two, three,
four hours after midnight, could we hear the occasional raking up
of the scanty fire, or the hollow and half-stifled cough, which
indicated his being still at work; and day after day, could we see
more plainly that nature had set that unearthly light in his
plaintive face, which is the beacon of her worst disease.

Actuated, we hope, by a higher feeling than mere curiosity, we
contrived to establish, first an acquaintance, and then a close
intimacy, with the poor strangers.  Our worst fears were realised;
the boy was sinking fast.  Through a part of the winter, and the
whole of the following spring and summer, his labours were
unceasingly prolonged:  and the mother attempted to procure needle-
work, embroidery - anything for bread.

A few shillings now and then, were all she could earn.  The boy
worked steadily on; dying by minutes, but never once giving
utterance to complaint or murmur.

One beautiful autumn evening we went to pay our customary visit to
the invalid.  His little remaining strength had been decreasing
rapidly for two or three days preceding, and he was lying on the
sofa at the open window, gazing at the setting sun.  His mother had
been reading the Bible to him, for she closed the book as we
entered, and advanced to meet us.

'I was telling William,' she said, 'that we must manage to take him
into the country somewhere, so that he may get quite well.  He is
not ill, you know, but he is not very strong, and has exerted
himself too much lately.'  Poor thing!  The tears that streamed
through her fingers, as she turned aside, as if to adjust her close
widow's cap, too plainly showed how fruitless was the attempt to
deceive herself.

We sat down by the head of the sofa, but said nothing, for we saw
the breath of life was passing gently but rapidly from the young
form before us.  At every respiration, his heart beat more slowly.

The boy placed one hand in ours, grasped his mother's arm with the
other, drew her hastily towards him, and fervently kissed her
cheek.  There was a pause.  He sunk back upon his pillow, and
looked long and earnestly in his mother's face.

'William, William!' murmured the mother, after a long interval,
'don't look at me so - speak to me, dear!'

The boy smiled languidly, but an instant afterwards his features
resolved into the same cold, solemn gaze.

'William, dear William! rouse yourself; don't look at me so, love -
pray don't!  Oh, my God! what shall I do!' cried the widow,
clasping her hands in agony - 'my dear boy! he is dying!'  The boy
raised himself by a violent effort, and folded his hands together -
'Mother! dear, dear mother, bury me in the open fields - anywhere
but in these dreadful streets.  I should like to be where you can
see my grave, but not in these close crowded streets; they have
killed me; kiss me again, mother; put your arm round my neck - '

He fell back, and a strange expression stole upon his features; not
of pain or suffering, but an indescribable fixing of every line and
muscle.

The boy was dead.




SCENES




CHAPTER I - THE STREETS - MORNING



The appearance presented by the streets of London an hour before
sunrise, on a summer's morning, is most striking even to the few
whose unfortunate pursuits of pleasure, or scarcely less
unfortunate pursuits of business, cause them to be well acquainted
with the scene.  There is an air of cold, solitary desolation about
the noiseless streets which we are accustomed to see thronged at
other times by a busy, eager crowd, and over the quiet, closely-
shut buildings, which throughout the day are swarming with life and
bustle, that is very impressive.

The last drunken man, who shall find his way home before sunlight,
has just staggered heavily along, roaring out the burden of the
drinking song of the previous night:  the last houseless vagrant
whom penury and police have left in the streets, has coiled up his
chilly limbs in some paved comer, to dream of food and warmth.  The
drunken, the dissipated, and the wretched have disappeared; the
more sober and orderly part of the population have not yet awakened
to the labours of the day, and the stillness of death is over the
streets; its very hue seems to be imparted to them, cold and
lifeless as they look in the grey, sombre light of daybreak.  The
coach-stands in the larger thoroughfares are deserted:  the night-
houses are closed; and the chosen promenades of profligate misery
are empty.

An occasional policeman may alone be seen at the street corners,
listlessly gazing on the deserted prospect before him; and now and
then a rakish-looking cat runs stealthily across the road and
descends his own area with as much caution and slyness - bounding
first on the water-butt, then on the dust-hole, and then alighting
on the flag-stones - as if he were conscious that his character
depended on his gallantry of the preceding night escaping public
observation.  A partially opened bedroom-window here and there,
bespeaks the heat of the weather, and the uneasy slumbers of its
occupant; and the dim scanty flicker of the rushlight, through the
window-blind, denotes the chamber of watching or sickness.  With
these few exceptions, the streets present no signs of life, nor the
houses of habitation.

An hour wears away; the spires of the churches and roofs of the
principal buildings are faintly tinged with the light of the rising
sun; and the streets, by almost imperceptible degrees, begin to
resume their bustle and animation.  Market-carts roll slowly along:
the sleepy waggoner impatiently urging on his tired horses, or
vainly endeavouring to awaken the boy, who, luxuriously stretched
on the top of the fruit-baskets, forgets, in happy oblivion, his
long-cherished curiosity to behold the wonders of London.

Rough, sleepy-looking animals of strange appearance, something
between ostlers and hackney-coachmen, begin to take down the
shutters of early public-houses; and little deal tables, with the
ordinary preparations for a street breakfast, make their appearance
at the customary stations.  Numbers of men and women (principally
the latter), carrying upon their heads heavy baskets of fruit, toil
down the park side of Piccadilly, on their way to Covent-garden,
and, following each other in rapid succession, form a long
straggling line from thence to the turn of the road at
Knightsbridge.

Here and there, a bricklayer's labourer, with the day's dinner tied
up in a handkerchief, walks briskly to his work, and occasionally a
little knot of three or four schoolboys on a stolen bathing
expedition rattle merrily over the pavement, their boisterous mirth
contrasting forcibly with the demeanour of the little sweep, who,
having knocked and rung till his arm aches, and being interdicted
by a merciful legislature from endangering his lungs by calling
out, sits patiently down on the door-step, until the housemaid may
happen to awake.

Covent-garden market, and the avenues leading to it, are thronged
with carts of all sorts, sizes, and descriptions, from the heavy
lumbering waggon, with its four stout horses, to the jingling
costermonger's cart, with its consumptive donkey.  The pavement is
already strewed with decayed cabbage-leaves, broken hay-bands, and
all the indescribable litter of a vegetable market; men are
shouting, carts backing, horses neighing, boys fighting, basket-
women talking, piemen expatiating on the excellence of their
pastry, and donkeys braying.  These and a hundred other sounds form
a compound discordant enough to a Londoner's ears, and remarkably
disagreeable to those of country gentlemen who are sleeping at the
Hummums for the first time.

Another hour passes away, and the day begins in good earnest.  The
servant of all work, who, under the plea of sleeping very soundly,
has utterly disregarded 'Missis's' ringing for half an hour
previously, is warned by Master (whom Missis has sent up in his
drapery to the landing-place for that purpose), that it's half-past
six, whereupon she awakes all of a sudden, with well-feigned
astonishment, and goes down-stairs very sulkily, wishing, while she
strikes a light, that the principle of spontaneous combustion would
extend itself to coals and kitchen range.  When the fire is
lighted, she opens the street-door to take in the milk, when, by
the most singular coincidence in the world, she discovers that the
servant next door has just taken in her milk too, and that Mr.
Todd's young man over the way, is, by an equally extraordinary
chance, taking down his master's shutters.  The inevitable
consequence is, that she just steps, milk-jug in hand, as far as
next door, just to say 'good morning' to Betsy Clark, and that Mr.
Todd's young man just steps over the way to say 'good morning' to
both of 'em; and as the aforesaid Mr. Todd's young man is almost as
good-looking and fascinating as the baker himself, the conversation
quickly becomes very interesting, and probably would become more
so, if Betsy Clark's Missis, who always will be a-followin' her
about, didn't give an angry tap at her bedroom window, on which Mr.
Todd's young man tries to whistle coolly, as he goes back to his
shop much faster than he came from it; and the two girls run back
to their respective places, and shut their street-doors with
surprising softness, each of them poking their heads out of the
front parlour window, a minute afterwards, however, ostensibly with
the view of looking at the mail which just then passes by, but
really for the purpose of catching another glimpse of Mr. Todd's
young man, who being fond of mails, but more of females, takes a
short look at the mails, and a long look at the girls, much to the
satisfaction of all parties concerned.

The mail itself goes on to the coach-office in due course, and the
passengers who are going out by the early coach, stare with
astonishment at the passengers who are coming in by the early
coach, who look blue and dismal, and are evidently under the
influence of that odd feeling produced by travelling, which makes
the events of yesterday morning seem as if they had happened at
least six months ago, and induces people to wonder with
considerable gravity whether the friends and relations they took
leave of a fortnight before, have altered much since they have left
them.  The coach-office is all alive, and the coaches which are
just going out, are surrounded by the usual crowd of Jews and
nondescripts, who seem to consider, Heaven knows why, that it is
quite impossible any man can mount a coach without requiring at
least sixpenny-worth of oranges, a penknife, a pocket-book, a last
year's annual, a pencil-case, a piece of sponge, and a small series
of caricatures.

Half an hour more, and the sun darts his bright rays cheerfully
down the still half-empty streets, and shines with sufficient force
to rouse the dismal laziness of the apprentice, who pauses every
other minute from his task of sweeping out the shop and watering
the pavement in front of it, to tell another apprentice similarly
employed, how hot it will be to-day, or to stand with his right
hand shading his eyes, and his left resting on the broom, gazing at
the 'Wonder,' or the 'Tally-ho,' or the 'Nimrod,' or some other
fast coach, till it is out of sight, when he re-enters the shop,
envying the passengers on the outside of the fast coach, and
thinking of the old red brick house 'down in the country,' where he
went to school:  the miseries of the milk and water, and thick
bread and scrapings, fading into nothing before the pleasant
recollection of the green field the boys used to play in, and the
green pond he was caned for presuming to fall into, and other
schoolboy associations.

Cabs, with trunks and band-boxes between the drivers' legs and
outside the apron, rattle briskly up and down the streets on their
way to the coach-offices or steam-packet wharfs; and the cab-
drivers and hackney-coachmen who are on the stand polish up the
ornamental part of their dingy vehicles - the former wondering how
people can prefer 'them wild beast cariwans of homnibuses, to a
riglar cab with a fast trotter,' and the latter admiring how people
can trust their necks into one of 'them crazy cabs, when they can
have a 'spectable 'ackney cotche with a pair of 'orses as von't run
away with no vun;' a consolation unquestionably founded on fact,
seeing that a hackney-coach horse never was known to run at all,
'except,' as the smart cabman in front of the rank observes,
'except one, and HE run back'ards.'

The shops are now completely opened, and apprentices and shopmen
are busily engaged in cleaning and decking the windows for the day.
The bakers' shops in town are filled with servants and children
waiting for the drawing of the first batch of rolls - an operation
which was performed a full hour ago in the suburbs:  for the early
clerk population of Somers and Camden towns, Islington, and
Pentonville, are fast pouring into the city, or directing their
steps towards Chancery-lane and the Inns of Court.  Middle-aged
men, whose salaries have by no means increased in the same
proportion as their families, plod steadily along, apparently with
no object in view but the counting-house; knowing by sight almost
everybody they meet or overtake, for they have seen them every
morning (Sunday excepted) during the last twenty years, but
speaking to no one.  If they do happen to overtake a personal
acquaintance, they just exchange a hurried salutation, and keep
walking on either by his side, or in front of him, as his rate of
walking may chance to be.  As to stopping to shake hands, or to
take the friend's arm, they seem to think that as it is not
included in their salary, they have no right to do it.  Small
office lads in large hats, who are made men before they are boys,
hurry along in pairs, with their first coat carefully brushed, and
the white trousers of last Sunday plentifully besmeared with dust
and ink.  It evidently requires a considerable mental struggle to
avoid investing part of the day's dinner-money in the purchase of
the stale tarts so temptingly exposed in dusty tins at the pastry-
cooks' doors; but a consciousness of their own importance and the
receipt of seven shillings a-week, with the prospect of an early
rise to eight, comes to their aid, and they accordingly put their
hats a little more on one side, and look under the bonnets of all
the milliners' and stay-makers' apprentices they meet - poor girls!
- the hardest worked, the worst paid, and too often, the worst used
class of the community.

Eleven o'clock, and a new set of people fill the streets.  The
goods in the shop-windows are invitingly arranged; the shopmen in
their white neckerchiefs and spruce coats, look as it they couldn't
clean a window if their lives depended on it; the carts have
disappeared from Covent-garden; the waggoners have returned, and
the costermongers repaired to their ordinary 'beats' in the
suburbs; clerks are at their offices, and gigs, cabs, omnibuses,
and saddle-horses, are conveying their masters to the same
destination.  The streets are thronged with a vast concourse of
people, gay and shabby, rich and poor, idle and industrious; and we
come to the heat, bustle, and activity of NOON.



CHAPTER II - THE STREETS - NIGHT



But the streets of London, to be beheld in the very height of their
glory, should be seen on a dark, dull, murky winter's night, when
there is just enough damp gently stealing down to make the pavement
greasy, without cleansing it of any of its impurities; and when the
heavy lazy mist, which hangs over every object, makes the gas-lamps
look brighter, and the brilliantly-lighted shops more splendid,
from the contrast they present to the darkness around.  All the
people who are at home on such a night as this, seem disposed to
make themselves as snug and comfortable as possible; and the
passengers in the streets have excellent reason to envy the
fortunate individuals who are seated by their own firesides.

In the larger and better kind of streets, dining parlour curtains
are closely drawn, kitchen fires blaze brightly up, and savoury
steams of hot dinners salute the nostrils of the hungry wayfarer,
as he plods wearily by the area railings.  In the suburbs, the
muffin boy rings his way down the little street, much more slowly
than he is wont to do; for Mrs. Macklin, of No. 4, has no sooner
opened her little street-door, and screamed out 'Muffins!' with all
her might, than Mrs. Walker, at No. 5, puts her head out of the
parlour-window, and screams 'Muffins!' too; and Mrs. Walker has
scarcely got the words out of her lips, than Mrs. Peplow, over the
way, lets loose Master Peplow, who darts down the street, with a
velocity which nothing but buttered muffins in perspective could
possibly inspire, and drags the boy back by main force, whereupon
Mrs. Macklin and Mrs. Walker, just to save the boy trouble, and to
say a few neighbourly words to Mrs. Peplow at the same time, run
over the way and buy their muffins at Mrs. Peplow's door, when it
appears from the voluntary statement of Mrs. Walker, that her
'kittle's jist a-biling, and the cups and sarsers ready laid,' and
that, as it was such a wretched night out o' doors, she'd made up
her mind to have a nice, hot, comfortable cup o' tea - a
determination at which, by the most singular coincidence, the other
two ladies had simultaneously arrived.

After a little conversation about the wretchedness of the weather
and the merits of tea, with a digression relative to the
viciousness of boys as a rule, and the amiability of Master Peplow
as an exception, Mrs. Walker sees her husband coming down the
street; and as he must want his tea, poor man, after his dirty walk
from the Docks, she instantly runs across, muffins in hand, and
Mrs. Macklin does the same, and after a few words to Mrs. Walker,
they all pop into their little houses, and slam their little
street-doors, which are not opened again for the remainder of the
evening, except to the nine o'clock 'beer,' who comes round with a
lantern in front of his tray, and says, as he lends Mrs. Walker
'Yesterday's 'Tiser,' that he's blessed if he can hardly hold the
pot, much less feel the paper, for it's one of the bitterest nights
he ever felt, 'cept the night when the man was frozen to death in
the Brick-field.

After a little prophetic conversation with the policeman at the
street-corner, touching a probable change in the weather, and the
setting-in of a hard frost, the nine o'clock beer returns to his
master's house, and employs himself for the remainder of the
evening, in assiduously stirring the tap-room fire, and
deferentially taking part in the conversation of the worthies
assembled round it.

The streets in the vicinity of the Marsh-gate and Victoria Theatre
present an appearance of dirt and discomfort on such a night, which
the groups who lounge about them in no degree tend to diminish.
Even the little block-tin temple sacred to baked potatoes,
surmounted by a splendid design in variegated lamps, looks less gay
than usual, and as to the kidney-pie stand, its glory has quite
departed.  The candle in the transparent lamp, manufactured of oil-
paper, embellished with 'characters,' has been blown out fifty
times, so the kidney-pie merchant, tired with running backwards and
forwards to the next wine-vaults, to get a light, has given up the
idea of illumination in despair, and the only signs of his
'whereabout,' are the bright sparks, of which a long irregular
train is whirled down the street every time he opens his portable
oven to hand a hot kidney-pie to a customer.

Flat-fish, oyster, and fruit vendors linger hopelessly in the
kennel, in vain endeavouring to attract customers; and the ragged
boys who usually disport themselves about the streets, stand
crouched in little knots in some projecting doorway, or under the
canvas blind of a cheesemonger's, where great flaring gas-lights,
unshaded by any glass, display huge piles of blight red and pale
yellow cheeses, mingled with little fivepenny dabs of dingy bacon,
various tubs of weekly Dorset, and cloudy rolls of 'best fresh.'

Here they amuse themselves with theatrical converse, arising out of
their last half-price visit to the Victoria gallery, admire the
terrific combat, which is nightly encored, and expatiate on the
inimitable manner in which Bill Thompson can 'come the double
monkey,' or go through the mysterious involutions of a sailor's
hornpipe.

It is nearly eleven o'clock, and the cold thin rain which has been
drizzling so long, is beginning to pour down in good earnest; the
baked-potato man has departed - the kidney-pie man has just walked
away with his warehouse on his arm - the cheesemonger has drawn in
his blind, and the boys have dispersed.  The constant clicking of
pattens on the slippy and uneven pavement, and the rustling of
umbrellas, as the wind blows against the shop-windows, bear
testimony to the inclemency of the night; and the policeman, with
his oilskin cape buttoned closely round him, seems as he holds his
hat on his head, and turns round to avoid the gust of wind and rain
which drives against him at the street-corner, to be very far from
congratulating himself on the prospect before him.

The little chandler's shop with the cracked bell behind the door,
whose melancholy tinkling has been regulated by the demand for
quarterns of sugar and half-ounces of coffee, is shutting up.  The
crowds which have been passing to and fro during the whole day, are
rapidly dwindling away; and the noise of shouting and quarrelling
which issues from the public-houses, is almost the only sound that
breaks the melancholy stillness of the night.

There was another, but it has ceased.  That wretched woman with the
infant in her arms, round whose meagre form the remnant of her own
scanty shawl is carefully wrapped, has been attempting to sing some
popular ballad, in the hope of wringing a few pence from the
compassionate passer-by.  A brutal laugh at her weak voice is all
she has gained.  The tears fall thick and fast down her own pale
face; the child is cold and hungry, and its low half-stifled
wailing adds to the misery of its wretched mother, as she moans
aloud, and sinks despairingly down, on a cold damp door-step.

Singing!  How few of those who pass such a miserable creature as
this, think of the anguish of heart, the sinking of soul and
spirit, which the very effort of singing produces.  Bitter mockery!
Disease, neglect, and starvation, faintly articulating the words of
the joyous ditty, that has enlivened your hours of feasting and
merriment, God knows how often!  It is no subject of jeering.  The
weak tremulous voice tells a fearful tale of want and famishing;
and the feeble singer of this roaring song may turn away, only to
die of cold and hunger.

One o'clock!  Parties returning from the different theatres foot it
through the muddy streets; cabs, hackney-coaches, carriages, and
theatre omnibuses, roll swiftly by; watermen with dim dirty
lanterns in their hands, and large brass plates upon their breasts,
who have been shouting and rushing about for the last two hours,
retire to their watering-houses, to solace themselves with the
creature comforts of pipes and purl; the half-price pit and box
frequenters of the theatres throng to the different houses of
refreshment; and chops, kidneys, rabbits, oysters, stout, cigars,
and 'goes' innumerable, are served up amidst a noise and confusion
of smoking, running, knife-clattering, and waiter-chattering,
perfectly indescribable.

The more musical portion of the play-going community betake
themselves to some harmonic meeting.  As a matter of curiosity let
us follow them thither for a few moments.

In a lofty room of spacious dimensions, are seated some eighty or a
hundred guests knocking little pewter measures on the tables, and
hammering away, with the handles of their knives, as if they were
so many trunk-makers.  They are applauding a glee, which has just
been executed by the three 'professional gentlemen' at the top of
the centre table, one of whom is in the chair - the little pompous
man with the bald head just emerging from the collar of his green
coat.  The others are seated on either side of him - the stout man
with the small voice, and the thin-faced dark man in black.  The
little man in the chair is a most amusing personage, - such
condescending grandeur, and SUCH a voice!

'Bass!' as the young gentleman near us with the blue stock forcibly
remarks to his companion, 'bass!  I b'lieve you; he can go down
lower than any man:  so low sometimes that you can't hear him.'
And so he does.  To hear him growling away, gradually lower and
lower down, till he can't get back again, is the most delightful
thing in the world, and it is quite impossible to witness unmoved
the impressive solemnity with which he pours forth his soul in 'My
'art's in the 'ighlands,' or 'The brave old Hoak.'  The stout man
is also addicted to sentimentality, and warbles 'Fly, fly from the
world, my Bessy, with me,' or some such song, with lady-like
sweetness, and in the most seductive tones imaginable.

'Pray give your orders, gen'l'm'n - pray give your orders,' - says
the pale-faced man with the red head; and demands for 'goes' of gin
and 'goes' of brandy, and pints of stout, and cigars of peculiar
mildness, are vociferously made from all parts of the room.  The
'professional gentlemen' are in the very height of their glory, and
bestow condescending nods, or even a word or two of recognition, on
the better-known frequenters of the room, in the most bland and
patronising manner possible.

The little round-faced man, with the small brown surtout, white
stockings and shoes, is in the comic line; the mixed air of self-
denial, and mental consciousness of his own powers, with which he
acknowledges the call of the chair, is particularly gratifying.
'Gen'l'men,' says the little pompous man, accompanying the word
with a knock of the president's hammer on the table - 'Gen'l'men,
allow me to claim your attention - our friend, Mr. Smuggins, will
oblige.' - 'Bravo!' shout the company; and Smuggins, after a
considerable quantity of coughing by way of symphony, and a most
facetious sniff or two, which afford general delight, sings a comic
song, with a fal-de-ral - tol-de-ral chorus at the end of every
verse, much longer than the verse itself.  It is received with
unbounded applause, and after some aspiring genius has volunteered
a recitation, and failed dismally therein, the little pompous man
gives another knock, and says 'Gen'l'men, we will attempt a glee,
if you please.'  This announcement calls forth tumultuous applause,
and the more energetic spirits express the unqualified approbation
it affords them, by knocking one or two stout glasses off their
legs - a humorous device; but one which frequently occasions some
slight altercation when the form of paying the damage is proposed
to be gone through by the waiter.

Scenes like these are continued until three or four o'clock in the
morning; and even when they close, fresh ones open to the
inquisitive novice.  But as a description of all of them, however
slight, would require a volume, the contents of which, however
instructive, would be by no means pleasing, we make our bow, and
drop the curtain.



CHAPTER III - SHOPS AND THEIR TENANTS



What inexhaustible food for speculation, do the streets of London
afford!  We never were able to agree with Sterne in pitying the man
who could travel from Dan to Beersheba, and say that all was
barren; we have not the slightest commiseration for the man who can
take up his hat and stick, and walk from Covent-garden to St.
Paul's Churchyard, and back into the bargain, without deriving some
amusement - we had almost said instruction - from his
perambulation.  And yet there are such beings:  we meet them every
day.  Large black stocks and light waistcoats, jet canes and
discontented countenances, are the characteristics of the race;
other people brush quickly by you, steadily plodding on to
business, or cheerfully running after pleasure.  These men linger
listlessly past, looking as happy and animated as a policeman on
duty.  Nothing seems to make an impression on their minds:  nothing
short of being knocked down by a porter, or run over by a cab, will
disturb their equanimity.  You will meet them on a fine day in any
of the leading thoroughfares:  peep through the window of a west-
end cigar shop in the evening, if you can manage to get a glimpse
between the blue curtains which intercept the vulgar gaze, and you
see them in their only enjoyment of existence.  There they are
lounging about, on round tubs and pipe boxes, in all the dignity of
whiskers, and gilt watch-guards; whispering soft nothings to the
young lady in amber, with the large ear-rings, who, as she sits
behind the counter in a blaze of adoration and gas-light, is the
admiration of all the female servants in the neighbourhood, and the
envy of every milliner's apprentice within two miles round.

One of our principal amusements is to watch the gradual progress -
the rise or fall - of particular shops.  We have formed an intimate
acquaintance with several, in different parts of town, and are
perfectly acquainted with their whole history.  We could name off-
hand, twenty at least, which we are quite sure have paid no taxes
for the last six years.  They are never inhabited for more than two
months consecutively, and, we verily believe, have witnessed every
retail trade in the directory.

There is one, whose history is a sample of the rest, in whose fate
we have taken especial interest, having had the pleasure of knowing
it ever since it has been a shop.  It is on the Surrey side of the
water - a little distance beyond the Marsh-gate.  It was originally
a substantial, good-looking private house enough; the landlord got
into difficulties, the house got into Chancery, the tenant went
away, and the house went to ruin.  At this period our acquaintance
with it commenced; the paint was all worn off; the windows were
broken, the area was green with neglect and the overflowings of the
water-butt; the butt itself was without a lid, and the street-door
was the very picture of misery.  The chief pastime of the children
in the vicinity had been to assemble in a body on the steps, and to
take it in turn to knock loud double knocks at the door, to the
great satisfaction of the neighbours generally, and especially of
the nervous old lady next door but one.  Numerous complaints were
made, and several small basins of water discharged over the
offenders, but without effect.  In this state of things, the
marine-store dealer at the corner of the street, in the most
obliging manner took the knocker off, and sold it:  and the
unfortunate house looked more wretched than ever.

We deserted our friend for a few weeks.  What was our surprise, on
our return, to find no trace of its existence!  In its place was a
handsome shop, fast approaching to a state of completion, and on
the shutters were large bills, informing the public that it would
shortly be opened with 'an extensive stock of linen-drapery and
haberdashery.'  It opened in due course; there was the name of the
proprietor 'and Co.' in gilt letters, almost too dazzling to look
at.  Such ribbons and shawls! and two such elegant young men behind
the counter, each in a clean collar and white neckcloth, like the
lover in a farce.  As to the proprietor, he did nothing but walk up
and down the shop, and hand seats to the ladies, and hold important
conversations with the handsomest of the young men, who was
shrewdly suspected by the neighbours to be the 'Co.'  We saw all
this with sorrow; we felt a fatal presentiment that the shop was
doomed - and so it was.  Its decay was slow, but sure.  Tickets
gradually appeared in the windows; then rolls of flannel, with
labels on them, were stuck outside the door; then a bill was pasted
on the street-door, intimating that the first floor was to let
unfurnished; then one of the young men disappeared altogether, and
the other took to a black neckerchief, and the proprietor took to
drinking.  The shop became dirty, broken panes of glass remained
unmended, and the stock disappeared piecemeal.  At last the
company's man came to cut off the water, and then the linen-draper
cut off himself, leaving the landlord his compliments and the key.

The next occupant was a fancy stationer.  The shop was more
modestly painted than before, still it was neat; but somehow we
always thought, as we passed, that it looked like a poor and
struggling concern.  We wished the man well, but we trembled for
his success.  He was a widower evidently, and had employment
elsewhere, for he passed us every morning on his road to the city.
The business was carried on by his eldest daughter.  Poor girl! she
needed no assistance.  We occasionally caught a glimpse of two or
three children, in mourning like herself, as they sat in the little
parlour behind the shop; and we never passed at night without
seeing the eldest girl at work, either for them, or in making some
elegant little trifle for sale.  We often thought, as her pale face
looked more sad and pensive in the dim candle-light, that if those
thoughtless females who interfere with the miserable market of poor
creatures such as these, knew but one-half of the misery they
suffer, and the bitter privations they endure, in their honourable
attempts to earn a scanty subsistence, they would, perhaps, resign
even opportunities for the gratification of vanity, and an immodest
love of self-display, rather than drive them to a last dreadful
resource, which it would shock the delicate feelings of these
CHARITABLE ladies to hear named.

But we are forgetting the shop.  Well, we continued to watch it,
and every day showed too clearly the increasing poverty of its
inmates.  The children were clean, it is true, but their clothes
were threadbare and shabby; no tenant had been procured for the
upper part of the house, from the letting of which, a portion of
the means of paying the rent was to have been derived, and a slow,
wasting consumption prevented the eldest girl from continuing her
exertions.  Quarter-day arrived.  The landlord had suffered from
the extravagance of his last tenant, and he had no compassion for
the struggles of his successor; he put in an execution.  As we
passed one morning, the broker's men were removing the little
furniture there was in the house, and a newly-posted bill informed
us it was again 'To Let.'  What became of the last tenant we never
could learn; we believe the girl is past all suffering, and beyond
all sorrow.  God help her!  We hope she is.

We were somewhat curious to ascertain what would be the next stage
- for that the place had no chance of succeeding now, was perfectly
clear.  The bill was soon taken down, and some alterations were
being made in the interior of the shop.  We were in a fever of
expectation; we exhausted conjecture - we imagined all possible
trades, none of which were perfectly reconcilable with our idea of
the gradual decay of the tenement.  It opened, and we wondered why
we had not guessed at the real state of the case before.  The shop
- not a large one at the best of times - had been converted into
two:  one was a bonnet-shape maker's, the other was opened by a
tobacconist, who also dealt in walking-sticks and Sunday
newspapers; the two were separated by a thin partition, covered
with tawdry striped paper.

The tobacconist remained in possession longer than any tenant
within our recollection.  He was a red-faced, impudent, good-for-
nothing dog, evidently accustomed to take things as they came, and
to make the best of a bad job.  He sold as many cigars as he could,
and smoked the rest.  He occupied the shop as long as he could make
peace with the landlord, and when he could no longer live in quiet,
he very coolly locked the door, and bolted himself.  From this
period, the two little dens have undergone innumerable changes.
The tobacconist was succeeded by a theatrical hair-dresser, who
ornamented the window with a great variety of 'characters,' and
terrific combats.  The bonnet-shape maker gave place to a
greengrocer, and the histrionic barber was succeeded, in his turn,
by a tailor.  So numerous have been the changes, that we have of
late done little more than mark the peculiar but certain
indications of a house being poorly inhabited.  It has been
progressing by almost imperceptible degrees.  The occupiers of the
shops have gradually given up room after room, until they have only
reserved the little parlour for themselves.  First there appeared a
brass plate on the private door, with 'Ladies' School' legibly
engraved thereon; shortly afterwards we observed a second brass
plate, then a bell, and then another bell.

When we paused in front of our old friend, and observed these signs
of poverty, which are not to be mistaken, we thought as we turned
away, that the house had attained its lowest pitch of degradation.
We were wrong.  When we last passed it, a 'dairy' was established
in the area, and a party of melancholy-looking fowls were amusing
themselves by running in at the front door, and out at the back
one.



CHAPTER IV - SCOTLAND-YARD



Scotland-yard is a small - a very small-tract of land, bounded on
one side by the river Thames, on the other by the gardens of
Northumberland House:  abutting at one end on the bottom of
Northumberland-street, at the other on the back of Whitehall-place.
When this territory was first accidentally discovered by a country
gentleman who lost his way in the Strand, some years ago, the
original settlers were found to be a tailor, a publican, two
eating-house keepers, and a fruit-pie maker; and it was also found
to contain a race of strong and bulky men, who repaired to the
wharfs in Scotland-yard regularly every morning, about five or six
o'clock, to fill heavy waggons with coal, with which they proceeded
to distant places up the country, and supplied the inhabitants with
fuel.  When they had emptied their waggons, they again returned for
a fresh supply; and this trade was continued throughout the year.

As the settlers derived their subsistence from ministering to the
wants of these primitive traders, the articles exposed for sale,
and the places where they were sold, bore strong outward marks of
being expressly adapted to their tastes and wishes.  The tailor
displayed in his window a Lilliputian pair of leather gaiters, and
a diminutive round frock, while each doorpost was appropriately
garnished with a model of a coal-sack.  The two eating-house
keepers exhibited joints of a magnitude, and puddings of a
solidity, which coalheavers alone could appreciate; and the fruit-
pie maker displayed on his well-scrubbed window-board large white
compositions of flour and dripping, ornamented with pink stains,
giving rich promise of the fruit within, which made their huge
mouths water, as they lingered past.

But the choicest spot in all Scotland-yard was the old public-house
in the corner.  Here, in a dark wainscoted-room of ancient
appearance, cheered by the glow of a mighty fire, and decorated
with an enormous clock, whereof the face was white, and the figures
black, sat the lusty coalheavers, quaffing large draughts of
Barclay's best, and puffing forth volumes of smoke, which wreathed
heavily above their heads, and involved the room in a thick dark
cloud.  From this apartment might their voices be heard on a
winter's night, penetrating to the very bank of the river, as they
shouted out some sturdy chorus, or roared forth the burden of a
popular song; dwelling upon the last few words with a strength and
length of emphasis which made the very roof tremble above them.

Here, too, would they tell old legends of what the Thames was in
ancient times, when the Patent Shot Manufactory wasn't built, and
Waterloo-bridge had never been thought of; and then they would
shake their heads with portentous looks, to the deep edification of
the rising generation of heavers, who crowded round them, and
wondered where all this would end; whereat the tailor would take
his pipe solemnly from his mouth, and say, how that he hoped it
might end well, but he very much doubted whether it would or not,
and couldn't rightly tell what to make of it - a mysterious
expression of opinion, delivered with a semi-prophetic air, which
never failed to elicit the fullest concurrence of the assembled
company; and so they would go on drinking and wondering till ten
o'clock came, and with it the tailor's wife to fetch him home, when
the little party broke up, to meet again in the same room, and say
and do precisely the same things, on the following evening at the
same hour.

About this time the barges that came up the river began to bring
vague rumours to Scotland-yard of somebody in the city having been
heard to say, that the Lord Mayor had threatened in so many words
to pull down the old London-bridge, and build up a new one.  At
first these rumours were disregarded as idle tales, wholly
destitute of foundation, for nobody in Scotland-yard doubted that
if the Lord Mayor contemplated any such dark design, he would just
be clapped up in the Tower for a week or two, and then killed off
for high treason.

By degrees, however, the reports grew stronger, and more frequent,
and at last a barge, laden with numerous chaldrons of the best
Wallsend, brought up the positive intelligence that several of the
arches of the old bridge were stopped, and that preparations were
actually in progress for constructing the new one.  What an
excitement was visible in the old tap-room on that memorable night!
Each man looked into his neighbour's face, pale with alarm and
astonishment, and read therein an echo of the sentiments which
filled his own breast.  The oldest heaver present proved to
demonstration, that the moment the piers were removed, all the
water in the Thames would run clean off, and leave a dry gully in
its place.  What was to become of the coal-barges - of the trade of
Scotland-yard - of the very existence of its population?  The
tailor shook his head more sagely than usual, and grimly pointing
to a knife on the table, bid them wait and see what happened.  He
said nothing - not he; but if the Lord Mayor didn't fall a victim
to popular indignation, why he would be rather astonished; that was
all.

They did wait; barge after barge arrived, and still no tidings of
the assassination of the Lord Mayor.  The first stone was laid:  it
was done by a Duke - the King's brother.  Years passed away, and
the bridge was opened by the King himself.  In course of time, the
piers were removed; and when the people in Scotland-yard got up
next morning in the confident expectation of being able to step
over to Pedlar's Acre without wetting the soles of their shoes,
they found to their unspeakable astonishment that the water was
just where it used to be.

A result so different from that which they had anticipated from
this first improvement, produced its full effect upon the
inhabitants of Scotland-yard.  One of the eating-house keepers
began to court public opinion, and to look for customers among a
new class of people.  He covered his little dining-tables with
white cloths, and got a painter's apprentice to inscribe something
about hot joints from twelve to two, in one of the little panes of
his shop-window.  Improvement began to march with rapid strides to
the very threshold of Scotland-yard.  A new market sprung up at
Hungerford, and the Police Commissioners established their office
in Whitehall-place.  The traffic in Scotland-yard increased; fresh
Members were added to the House of Commons, the Metropolitan
Representatives found it a near cut, and many other foot passengers
followed their example.

We marked the advance of civilisation, and beheld it with a sigh.
The eating-house keeper who manfully resisted the innovation of
table-cloths, was losing ground every day, as his opponent gained
it, and a deadly feud sprung up between them.  The genteel one no
longer took his evening's pint in Scotland-yard, but drank gin and
water at a 'parlour' in Parliament-street.  The fruit-pie maker
still continued to visit the old room, but he took to smoking
cigars, and began to call himself a pastrycook, and to read the
papers.  The old heavers still assembled round the ancient
fireplace, but their talk was mournful:  and the loud song and the
joyous shout were heard no more.

And what is Scotland-yard now?  How have its old customs changed;
and how has the ancient simplicity of its inhabitants faded away!
The old tottering public-house is converted into a spacious and
lofty 'wine-vaults;' gold leaf has been used in the construction of
the letters which emblazon its exterior, and the poet's art has
been called into requisition, to intimate that if you drink a
certain description of ale, you must hold fast by the rail.  The
tailor exhibits in his window the pattern of a foreign-looking
brown surtout, with silk buttons, a fur collar, and fur cuffs.  He
wears a stripe down the outside of each leg of his trousers:  and
we have detected his assistants (for he has assistants now) in the
act of sitting on the shop-board in the same uniform.

At the other end of the little row of houses a boot-maker has
established himself in a brick box, with the additional innovation
of a first floor; and here he exposes for sale, boots - real
Wellington boots - an article which a few years ago, none of the
original inhabitants had ever seen or heard of.  It was but the
other day, that a dress-maker opened another little box in the
middle of the row; and, when we thought that the spirit of change
could produce no alteration beyond that, a jeweller appeared, and
not content with exposing gilt rings and copper bracelets out of
number, put up an announcement, which still sticks in his window,
that 'ladies' ears may be pierced within.'  The dress-maker employs
a young lady who wears pockets in her apron; and the tailor informs
the public that gentlemen may have their own materials made up.

Amidst all this change, and restlessness, and innovation, there
remains but one old man, who seems to mourn the downfall of this
ancient place.  He holds no converse with human kind, but, seated
on a wooden bench at the angle of the wall which fronts the
crossing from Whitehall-place, watches in silence the gambols of
his sleek and well-fed dogs.  He is the presiding genius of
Scotland-yard.  Years and years have rolled over his head; but, in
fine weather or in foul, hot or cold, wet or dry, hail, rain, or
snow, he is still in his accustomed spot.  Misery and want are
depicted in his countenance; his form is bent by age, his head is
grey with length of trial, but there he sits from day to day,
brooding over the past; and thither he will continue to drag his
feeble limbs, until his eyes have closed upon Scotland-yard, and
upon the world together.

A few years hence, and the antiquary of another generation looking
into some mouldy record of the strife and passions that agitated
the world in these times, may glance his eye over the pages we have
just filled:  and not all his knowledge of the history of the past,
not all his black-letter lore, or his skill in book-collecting, not
all the dry studies of a long life, or the dusty volumes that have
cost him a fortune, may help him to the whereabouts, either of
Scotland-yard, or of any one of the landmarks we have mentioned in
describing it.



CHAPTER V - SEVEN DIALS



We have always been of opinion that if Tom King and the Frenchman
had not immortalised Seven Dials, Seven Dials would have
immortalised itself.  Seven Dials! the region of song and poetry -
first effusions, and last dying speeches:  hallowed by the names of
Catnach and of Pitts - names that will entwine themselves with
costermongers, and barrel-organs, when penny magazines shall have
superseded penny yards of song, and capital punishment be unknown!

Look at the construction of the place.  The Gordian knot was all
very well in its way:  so was the maze of Hampton Court:  so is the
maze at the Beulah Spa:  so were the ties of stiff white
neckcloths, when the difficulty of getting one on, was only to be
equalled by the apparent impossibility of ever getting it off
again.  But what involutions can compare with those of Seven Dials?
Where is there such another maze of streets, courts, lanes, and
alleys?  Where such a pure mixture of Englishmen and Irishmen, as
in this complicated part of London?  We boldly aver that we doubt
the veracity of the legend to which we have adverted.  We CAN
suppose a man rash enough to inquire at random - at a house with
lodgers too - for a Mr. Thompson, with all but the certainty before
his eyes, of finding at least two or three Thompsons in any house
of moderate dimensions; but a Frenchman - a Frenchman in Seven
Dials!  Pooh!  He was an Irishman.  Tom King's education had been
neglected in his infancy, and as he couldn't understand half the
man said, he took it for granted he was talking French.

The stranger who finds himself in 'The Dials' for the first time,
and stands Belzoni-like, at the entrance of seven obscure passages,
uncertain which to take, will see enough around him to keep his
curiosity and attention awake for no inconsiderable time.  From the
irregular square into which he has plunged, the streets and courts
dart in all directions, until they are lost in the unwholesome
vapour which hangs over the house-tops, and renders the dirty
perspective uncertain and confined; and lounging at every corner,
as if they came there to take a few gasps of such fresh air as has
found its way so far, but is too much exhausted already, to be
enabled to force itself into the narrow alleys around, are groups
of people, whose appearance and dwellings would fill any mind but a
regular Londoner's with astonishment.

On one side, a little crowd has collected round a couple of ladies,
who having imbibed the contents of various 'three-outs' of gin and
bitters in the course of the morning, have at length differed on
some point of domestic arrangement, and are on the eve of settling
the quarrel satisfactorily, by an appeal to blows, greatly to the
interest of other ladies who live in the same house, and tenements
adjoining, and who are all partisans on one side or other.

'Vy don't you pitch into her, Sarah?' exclaims one half-dressed
matron, by way of encouragement.  'Vy don't you? if MY 'usband had
treated her with a drain last night, unbeknown to me, I'd tear her
precious eyes out - a wixen!'

'What's the matter, ma'am?' inquires another old woman, who has
just bustled up to the spot.

'Matter!' replies the first speaker, talking AT the obnoxious
combatant, 'matter!  Here's poor dear Mrs. Sulliwin, as has five
blessed children of her own, can't go out a charing for one
arternoon, but what hussies must be a comin', and 'ticing avay her
oun' 'usband, as she's been married to twelve year come next Easter
Monday, for I see the certificate ven I vas a drinkin' a cup o' tea
vith her, only the werry last blessed Ven'sday as ever was sent.  I
'appen'd to say promiscuously, "Mrs. Sulliwin," says I - '

'What do you mean by hussies?' interrupts a champion of the other
party, who has evinced a strong inclination throughout to get up a
branch fight on her own account ('Hooroar,' ejaculates a pot-boy in
parenthesis, 'put the kye-bosk on her, Mary!'), 'What do you mean
by hussies?' reiterates the champion.

'Niver mind,' replies the opposition expressively, 'niver mind; YOU
go home, and, ven you're quite sober, mend your stockings.'

This somewhat personal allusion, not only to the lady's habits of
intemperance, but also to the state of her wardrobe, rouses her
utmost ire, and she accordingly complies with the urgent request of
the bystanders to 'pitch in,' with considerable alacrity.  The
scuffle became general, and terminates, in minor play-bill
phraseology, with 'arrival of the policemen, interior of the
station-house, and impressive DENOUEMENT.'

In addition to the numerous groups who are idling about the gin-
shops and squabbling in the centre of the road, every post in the
open space has its occupant, who leans against it for hours, with
listless perseverance.  It is odd enough that one class of men in
London appear to have no enjoyment beyond leaning against posts.
We never saw a regular bricklayer's labourer take any other
recreation, fighting excepted.  Pass through St. Giles's in the
evening of a week-day, there they are in their fustian dresses,
spotted with brick-dust and whitewash, leaning against posts.  Walk
through Seven Dials on Sunday morning:  there they are again, drab
or light corduroy trousers, Blucher boots, blue coats, and great
yellow waistcoats, leaning against posts.  The idea of a man
dressing himself in his best clothes, to lean against a post all
day!

The peculiar character of these streets, and the close resemblance
each one bears to its neighbour, by no means tends to decrease the
bewilderment in which the unexperienced wayfarer through 'the
Dials' finds himself involved.  He traverses streets of dirty,
straggling houses, with now and then an unexpected court composed
of buildings as ill-proportioned and deformed as the half-naked
children that wallow in the kennels.  Here and there, a little dark
chandler's shop, with a cracked bell hung up behind the door to
announce the entrance of a customer, or betray the presence of some
young gentleman in whom a passion for shop tills has developed
itself at an early age:  others, as if for support, against some
handsome lofty building, which usurps the place of a low dingy
public-house; long rows of broken and patched windows expose plants
that may have flourished when 'the Dials' were built, in vessels as
dirty as 'the Dials' themselves; and shops for the purchase of
rags, bones, old iron, and kitchen-stuff, vie in cleanliness with
the bird-fanciers and rabbit-dealers, which one might fancy so many
arks, but for the irresistible conviction that no bird in its
proper senses, who was permitted to leave one of them, would ever
come back again.  Brokers' shops, which would seem to have been
established by humane individuals, as refuges for destitute bugs,
interspersed with announcements of day-schools, penny theatres,
petition-writers, mangles, and music for balls or routs, complete
the 'still life' of the subject; and dirty men, filthy women,
squalid children, fluttering shuttlecocks, noisy battledores,
reeking pipes, bad fruit, more than doubtful oysters, attenuated
cats, depressed dogs, and anatomical fowls, are its cheerful
accompaniments.

If the external appearance of the houses, or a glance at their
inhabitants, present but few attractions, a closer acquaintance
with either is little calculated to alter one's first impression.
Every room has its separate tenant, and every tenant is, by the
same mysterious dispensation which causes a country curate to
'increase and multiply' most marvellously, generally the head of a
numerous family.

The man in the shop, perhaps, is in the baked 'jemmy' line, or the
fire-wood and hearth-stone line, or any other line which requires a
floating capital of eighteen-pence or thereabouts:  and he and his
family live in the shop, and the small back parlour behind it.
Then there is an Irish labourer and HIS family in the back kitchen,
and a jobbing man - carpet-beater and so forth - with HIS family in
the front one.  In the front one-pair, there's another man with
another wife and family, and in the back one-pair, there's 'a young
'oman as takes in tambour-work, and dresses quite genteel,' who
talks a good deal about 'my friend,' and can't 'a-bear anything
low.'  The second floor front, and the rest of the lodgers, are
just a second edition of the people below, except a shabby-genteel
man in the back attic, who has his half-pint of coffee every
morning from the coffee-shop next door but one, which boasts a
little front den called a coffee-room, with a fireplace, over which
is an inscription, politely requesting that, 'to prevent mistakes,'
customers will 'please to pay on delivery.'  The shabby-genteel man
is an object of some mystery, but as he leads a life of seclusion,
and never was known to buy anything beyond an occasional pen,
except half-pints of coffee, penny loaves, and ha'porths of ink,
his fellow-lodgers very naturally suppose him to be an author; and
rumours are current in the Dials, that he writes poems for Mr.
Warren.

Now anybody who passed through the Dials on a hot summer's evening,
and saw the different women of the house gossiping on the steps,
would be apt to think that all was harmony among them, and that a
more primitive set of people than the native Diallers could not be
imagined.  Alas! the man in the shop ill-treats his family; the
carpet-beater extends his professional pursuits to his wife; the
one-pair front has an undying feud with the two-pair front, in
consequence of the two-pair front persisting in dancing over his
(the one-pair front's) head, when he and his family have retired
for the night; the two-pair back will interfere with the front
kitchen's children; the Irishman comes home drunk every other
night, and attacks everybody; and the one-pair back screams at
everything.  Animosities spring up between floor and floor; the
very cellar asserts his equality.  Mrs. A. 'smacks' Mrs. B.'s child
for 'making faces.'  Mrs. B. forthwith throws cold water over Mrs.
A.'s child for 'calling names.'  The husbands are embroiled - the
quarrel becomes general - an assault is the consequence, and a
police-officer the result.



CHAPTER VI - MEDITATIONS IN MONMOUTH-STREET



We have always entertained a particular attachment towards
Monmouth-street, as the only true and real emporium for second-hand
wearing apparel.  Monmouth-street is venerable from its antiquity,
and respectable from its usefulness.  Holywell-street we despise;
the red-headed and red-whiskered Jews who forcibly haul you into
their squalid houses, and thrust you into a suit of clothes,
whether you will or not, we detest.

The inhabitants of Monmouth-street are a distinct class; a
peaceable and retiring race, who immure themselves for the most
part in deep cellars, or small back parlours, and who seldom come
forth into the world, except in the dusk and coolness of the
evening, when they may be seen seated, in chairs on the pavement,
smoking their pipes, or watching the gambols of their engaging
children as they revel in the gutter, a happy troop of infantine
scavengers.  Their countenances bear a thoughtful and a dirty cast,
certain indications of their love of traffic; and their habitations
are distinguished by that disregard of outward appearance and
neglect of personal comfort, so common among people who are
constantly immersed in profound speculations, and deeply engaged in
sedentary pursuits.

We have hinted at the antiquity of our favourite spot.  'A
Monmouth-street laced coat' was a by-word a century ago; and still
we find Monmouth-street the same.  Pilot great-coats with wooden
buttons, have usurped the place of the ponderous laced coats with
full skirts; embroidered waistcoats with large flaps, have yielded
to double-breasted checks with roll-collars; and three-cornered
hats of quaint appearance, have given place to the low crowns and
broad brims of the coachman school; but it is the times that have
changed, not Monmouth-street.  Through every alteration and every
change, Monmouth-street has still remained the burial-place of the
fashions; and such, to judge from all present appearances, it will
remain until there are no more fashions to bury.

We love to walk among these extensive groves of the illustrious
dead, and to indulge in the speculations to which they give rise;
now fitting a deceased coat, then a dead pair of trousers, and anon
the mortal remains of a gaudy waistcoat, upon some being of our own
conjuring up, and endeavouring, from the shape and fashion of the
garment itself, to bring its former owner before our mind's eye.
We have gone on speculating in this way, until whole rows of coats
have started from their pegs, and buttoned up, of their own accord,
round the waists of imaginary wearers; lines of trousers have
jumped down to meet them; waistcoats have almost burst with anxiety
to put themselves on; and half an acre of shoes have suddenly found
feet to fit them, and gone stumping down the street with a noise
which has fairly awakened us from our pleasant reverie, and driven
us slowly away, with a bewildered stare, an object of astonishment
to the good people of Monmouth-street, and of no slight suspicion
to the policemen at the opposite street corner.

We were occupied in this manner the other day, endeavouring to fit
a pair of lace-up half-boots on an ideal personage, for whom, to
say the truth, they were full a couple of sizes too small, when our
eyes happened to alight on a few suits of clothes ranged outside a
shop-window, which it immediately struck us, must at different
periods have all belonged to, and been worn by, the same
individual, and had now, by one of those strange conjunctions of
circumstances which will occur sometimes, come to be exposed
together for sale in the same shop.  The idea seemed a fantastic
one, and we looked at the clothes again with a firm determination
not to be easily led away.  No, we were right; the more we looked,
the more we were convinced of the accuracy of our previous
impression.  There was the man's whole life written as legibly on
those clothes, as if we had his autobiography engrossed on
parchment before us.

The first was a patched and much-soiled skeleton suit; one of those
straight blue cloth cases in which small boys used to be confined,
before belts and tunics had come in, and old notions had gone out:
an ingenious contrivance for displaying the full symmetry of a
boy's figure, by fastening him into a very tight jacket, with an
ornamental row of buttons over each shoulder, and then buttoning
his trousers over it, so as to give his legs the appearance of
being hooked on, just under the armpits.  This was the boy's dress.
It had belonged to a town boy, we could see; there was a shortness
about the legs and arms of the suit; and a bagging at the knees,
peculiar to the rising youth of London streets.  A small day-school
he had been at, evidently.  If it had been a regular boys' school
they wouldn't have let him play on the floor so much, and rub his
knees so white.  He had an indulgent mother too, and plenty of
halfpence, as the numerous smears of some sticky substance about
the pockets, and just below the chin, which even the salesman's
skill could not succeed in disguising, sufficiently betokened.
They were decent people, but not overburdened with riches, or he
would not have so far outgrown the suit when he passed into those
corduroys with the round jacket; in which he went to a boys'
school, however, and learnt to write - and in ink of pretty
tolerable blackness, too, if the place where he used to wipe his
pen might be taken as evidence.

A black suit and the jacket changed into a diminutive coat.  His
father had died, and the mother had got the boy a message-lad's
place in some office.  A long-worn suit that one; rusty and
threadbare before it was laid aside, but clean and free from soil
to the last.  Poor woman!  We could imagine her assumed
cheerfulness over the scanty meal, and the refusal of her own small
portion, that her hungry boy might have enough.  Her constant
anxiety for his welfare, her pride in his growth mingled sometimes
with the thought, almost too acute to bear, that as he grew to be a
man his old affection might cool, old kindnesses fade from his
mind, and old promises be forgotten - the sharp pain that even then
a careless word or a cold look would give her - all crowded on our
thoughts as vividly as if the very scene were passing before us.

These things happen every hour, and we all know it; and yet we felt
as much sorrow when we saw, or fancied we saw - it makes no
difference which - the change that began to take place now, as if
we had just conceived the bare possibility of such a thing for the
first time.  The next suit, smart but slovenly; meant to be gay,
and yet not half so decent as the threadbare apparel; redolent of
the idle lounge, and the blackguard companions, told us, we
thought, that the widow's comfort had rapidly faded away.  We could
imagine that coat - imagine! we could see it; we HAD seen it a
hundred times - sauntering in company with three or four other
coats of the same cut, about some place of profligate resort at
night.

We dressed, from the same shop-window in an instant, half a dozen
boys of from fifteen to twenty; and putting cigars into their
mouths, and their hands into their pockets, watched them as they
sauntered down the street, and lingered at the corner, with the
obscene jest, and the oft-repeated oath.  We never lost sight of
them, till they had cocked their hats a little more on one side,
and swaggered into the public-house; and then we entered the
desolate home, where the mother sat late in the night, alone; we
watched her, as she paced the room in feverish anxiety, and every
now and then opened the door, looked wistfully into the dark and
empty street, and again returned, to be again and again
disappointed.  We beheld the look of patience with which she bore
the brutish threat, nay, even the drunken blow; and we heard the
agony of tears that gushed from her very heart, as she sank upon
her knees in her solitary and wretched apartment.

A long period had elapsed, and a greater change had taken place, by
the time of casting off the suit that hung above.  It was that of a
stout, broad-shouldered, sturdy-chested man; and we knew at once,
as anybody would, who glanced at that broad-skirted green coat,
with the large metal buttons, that its wearer seldom walked forth
without a dog at his heels, and some idle ruffian, the very
counterpart of himself, at his side.  The vices of the boy had
grown with the man, and we fancied his home then - if such a place
deserve the name.

We saw the bare and miserable room, destitute of furniture, crowded
with his wife and children, pale, hungry, and emaciated; the man
cursing their lamentations, staggering to the tap-room, from whence
he had just returned, followed by his wife and a sickly infant,
clamouring for bread; and heard the street-wrangle and noisy
recrimination that his striking her occasioned.  And then
imagination led us to some metropolitan workhouse, situated in the
midst of crowded streets and alleys, filled with noxious vapours,
and ringing with boisterous cries, where an old and feeble woman,
imploring pardon for her son, lay dying in a close dark room, with
no child to clasp her hand, and no pure air from heaven to fan her
brow.  A stranger closed the eyes that settled into a cold
unmeaning glare, and strange ears received the words that murmured
from the white and half-closed lips.

A coarse round frock, with a worn cotton neckerchief, and other
articles of clothing of the commonest description, completed the
history.  A prison, and the sentence - banishment or the gallows.
What would the man have given then, to be once again the contented
humble drudge of his boyish years; to have been restored to life,
but for a week, a day, an hour, a minute, only for so long a time
as would enable him to say one word of passionate regret to, and
hear one sound of heartfelt forgiveness from, the cold and ghastly
form that lay rotting in the pauper's grave!  The children wild in
the streets, the mother a destitute widow; both deeply tainted with
the deep disgrace of the husband and father's name, and impelled by
sheer necessity, down the precipice that had led him to a lingering
death, possibly of many years' duration, thousands of miles away.
We had no clue to the end of the tale; but it was easy to guess its
termination.

We took a step or two further on, and by way of restoring the
naturally cheerful tone of our thoughts, began fitting visionary
feet and legs into a cellar-board full of boots and shoes, with a
speed and accuracy that would have astonished the most expert
artist in leather, living.  There was one pair of boots in
particular - a jolly, good-tempered, hearty-looking pair of tops,
that excited our warmest regard; and we had got a fine, red-faced,
jovial fellow of a market-gardener into them, before we had made
their acquaintance half a minute.  They were just the very thing
for him.  There was his huge fat legs bulging over the tops, and
fitting them too tight to admit of his tucking in the loops he had
pulled them on by; and his knee-cords with an interval of stocking;
and his blue apron tucked up round his waist; and his red
neckerchief and blue coat, and a white hat stuck on one side of his
head; and there he stood with a broad grin on his great red face,
whistling away, as if any other idea but that of being happy and
comfortable had never entered his brain.

This was the very man after our own heart; we knew all about him;
we had seen him coming up to Covent-garden in his green chaise-
cart, with the fat, tubby little horse, half a thousand times; and
even while we cast an affectionate look upon his boots, at that
instant, the form of a coquettish servant-maid suddenly sprung into
a pair of Denmark satin shoes that stood beside them, and we at
once recognised the very girl who accepted his offer of a ride,
just on this side the Hammersmith suspension-bridge, the very last
Tuesday morning we rode into town from Richmond.

A very smart female, in a showy bonnet, stepped into a pair of grey
cloth boots, with black fringe and binding, that were studiously
pointing out their toes on the other side of the top-boots, and
seemed very anxious to engage his attention, but we didn't observe
that our friend the market-gardener appeared at all captivated with
these blandishments; for beyond giving a knowing wink when they
first began, as if to imply that he quite understood their end and
object, he took no further notice of them.  His indifference,
however, was amply recompensed by the excessive gallantry of a very
old gentleman with a silver-headed stick, who tottered into a pair
of large list shoes, that were standing in one corner of the board,
and indulged in a variety of gestures expressive of his admiration
of the lady in the cloth boots, to the immeasurable amusement of a
young fellow we put into a pair of long-quartered pumps, who we
thought would have split the coat that slid down to meet him, with
laughing.

We had been looking on at this little pantomime with great
satisfaction for some time, when, to our unspeakable astonishment,
we perceived that the whole of the characters, including a numerous
CORPS DE BALLET of boots and shoes in the background, into which we
had been hastily thrusting as many feet as we could press into the
service, were arranging themselves in order for dancing; and some
music striking up at the moment, to it they went without delay.  It
was perfectly delightful to witness the agility of the market-
gardener.  Out went the boots, first on one side, then on the
other, then cutting, then shuffling, then setting to the Denmark
satins, then advancing, then retreating, then going round, and then
repeating the whole of the evolutions again, without appearing to
suffer in the least from the violence of the exercise.

Nor were the Denmark satins a bit behindhand, for they jumped and
bounded about, in all directions; and though they were neither so
regular, nor so true to the time as the cloth boots, still, as they
seemed to do it from the heart, and to enjoy it more, we candidly
confess that we preferred their style of dancing to the other.  But
the old gentleman in the list shoes was the most amusing object in
the whole party; for, besides his grotesque attempts to appear
youthful, and amorous, which were sufficiently entertaining in
themselves, the young fellow in the pumps managed so artfully that
every time the old gentleman advanced to salute the lady in the
cloth boots, he trod with his whole weight on the old fellow's
toes, which made him roar with anguish, and rendered all the others
like to die of laughing.

We were in the full enjoyment of these festivities when we heard a
shrill, and by no means musical voice, exclaim, 'Hope you'll know
me agin, imperence!' and on looking intently forward to see from
whence the sound came, we found that it proceeded, not from the
young lady in the cloth boots, as we had at first been inclined to
suppose, but from a bulky lady of elderly appearance who was seated
in a chair at the head of the cellar-steps, apparently for the
purpose of superintending the sale of the articles arranged there.

A barrel-organ, which had been in full force close behind us,
ceased playing; the people we had been fitting into the shoes and
boots took to flight at the interruption; and as we were conscious
that in the depth of our meditations we might have been rudely
staring at the old lady for half an hour without knowing it, we
took to flight too, and were soon immersed in the deepest obscurity
of the adjacent 'Dials.'



CHAPTER VII - HACKNEY-COACH STANDS



We maintain that hackney-coaches, properly so called, belong solely
to the metropolis.  We may be told, that there are hackney-coach
stands in Edinburgh; and not to go quite so far for a contradiction
to our position, we may be reminded that Liverpool, Manchester,
'and other large towns' (as the Parliamentary phrase goes), have
THEIR hackney-coach stands.  We readily concede to these places the
possession of certain vehicles, which may look almost as dirty, and
even go almost as slowly, as London hackney-coaches; but that they
have the slightest claim to compete with the metropolis, either in
point of stands, drivers, or cattle, we indignantly deny.

Take a regular, ponderous, rickety, London hackney-coach of the old
school, and let any man have the boldness to assert, if he can,
that he ever beheld any object on the face of the earth which at
all resembles it, unless, indeed, it were another hackney-coach of
the same date.  We have recently observed on certain stands, and we
say it with deep regret, rather dapper green chariots, and coaches
of polished yellow, with four wheels of the same colour as the
coach, whereas it is perfectly notorious to every one who has
studied the subject, that every wheel ought to be of a different
colour, and a different size.  These are innovations, and, like
other miscalled improvements, awful signs of the restlessness of
the public mind, and the little respect paid to our time-honoured
institutions.  Why should hackney-coaches be clean?  Our ancestors
found them dirty, and left them so.  Why should we, with a feverish
wish to 'keep moving,' desire to roll along at the rate of six
miles an hour, while they were content to rumble over the stones at
four?  These are solemn considerations.  Hackney-coaches are part
and parcel of the law of the land; they were settled by the
Legislature; plated and numbered by the wisdom of Parliament.

Then why have they been swamped by cabs and omnibuses?  Or why
should people be allowed to ride quickly for eightpence a mile,
after Parliament had come to the solemn decision that they should
pay a shilling a mile for riding slowly?  We pause for a reply; -
and, having no chance of getting one, begin a fresh paragraph.

Our acquaintance with hackney-coach stands is of long standing.  We
are a walking book of fares, feeling ourselves, half bound, as it
were, to be always in the right on contested points.  We know all
the regular watermen within three miles of Covent-garden by sight,
and should be almost tempted to believe that all the hackney-coach
horses in that district knew us by sight too, if one-half of them
were not blind.  We take great interest in hackney-coaches, but we
seldom drive, having a knack of turning ourselves over when we
attempt to do so.  We are as great friends to horses, hackney-coach
and otherwise, as the renowned Mr. Martin, of costermonger
notoriety, and yet we never ride.  We keep no horse, but a clothes-
horse; enjoy no saddle so much as a saddle of mutton; and,
following our own inclinations, have never followed the hounds.
Leaving these fleeter means of getting over the ground, or of
depositing oneself upon it, to those who like them, by hackney-
coach stands we take our stand.

There is a hackney-coach stand under the very window at which we
are writing; there is only one coach on it now, but it is a fair
specimen of the class of vehicles to which we have alluded - a
great, lumbering, square concern of a dingy yellow colour (like a
bilious brunette), with very small glasses, but very large frames;
the panels are ornamented with a faded coat of arms, in shape
something like a dissected bat, the axletree is red, and the
majority of the wheels are green.  The box is partially covered by
an old great-coat, with a multiplicity of capes, and some
extraordinary-looking clothes; and the straw, with which the canvas
cushion is stuffed, is sticking up in several places, as if in
rivalry of the hay, which is peeping through the chinks in the
boot.  The horses, with drooping heads, and each with a mane and
tail as scanty and straggling as those of a worn-out rocking-horse,
are standing patiently on some damp straw, occasionally wincing,
and rattling the harness; and now and then, one of them lifts his
mouth to the ear of his companion, as if he were saying, in a
whisper, that he should like to assassinate the coachman.  The
coachman himself is in the watering-house; and the waterman, with
his hands forced into his pockets as far as they can possibly go,
is dancing the 'double shuffle,' in front of the pump, to keep his
feet warm.

The servant-girl, with the pink ribbons, at No. 5, opposite,
suddenly opens the street-door, and four small children forthwith
rush out, and scream 'Coach!' with all their might and main.  The
waterman darts from the pump, seizes the horses by their respective
bridles, and drags them, and the coach too, round to the house,
shouting all the time for the coachman at the very top, or rather
very bottom of his voice, for it is a deep bass growl.  A response
is heard from the tap-room; the coachman, in his wooden-soled
shoes, makes the street echo again as he runs across it; and then
there is such a struggling, and backing, and grating of the kennel,
to get the coach-door opposite the house-door, that the children
are in perfect ecstasies of delight.  What a commotion!  The old
lady, who has been stopping there for the last month, is going back
to the country.  Out comes box after box, and one side of the
vehicle is filled with luggage in no time; the children get into
everybody's way, and the youngest, who has upset himself in his
attempts to carry an umbrella, is borne off wounded and kicking.
The youngsters disappear, and a short pause ensues, during which
the old lady is, no doubt, kissing them all round in the back
parlour.  She appears at last, followed by her married daughter,
all the children, and both the servants, who, with the joint
assistance of the coachman and waterman, manage to get her safely
into the coach.  A cloak is handed in, and a little basket, which
we could almost swear contains a small black bottle, and a paper of
sandwiches.  Up go the steps, bang goes the door, 'Golden-cross,
Charing-cross, Tom,' says the waterman; 'Good-bye, grandma,' cry
the children, off jingles the coach at the rate of three miles an
hour, and the mamma and children retire into the house, with the
exception of one little villain, who runs up the street at the top
of his speed, pursued by the servant; not ill-pleased to have such
an opportunity of displaying her attractions.  She brings him back,
and, after casting two or three gracious glances across the way,
which are either intended for us or the potboy (we are not quite
certain which), shuts the door, and the hackney-coach stand is
again at a standstill.

We have been frequently amused with the intense delight with which
'a servant of all work,' who is sent for a coach, deposits herself
inside; and the unspeakable gratification which boys, who have been
despatched on a similar errand, appear to derive from mounting the
box.  But we never recollect to have been more amused with a
hackney-coach party, than one we saw early the other morning in
Tottenham-court-road.  It was a wedding-party, and emerged from one
of the inferior streets near Fitzroy-square.  There were the bride,
with a thin white dress, and a great red face; and the bridesmaid,
a little, dumpy, good-humoured young woman, dressed, of course, in
the same appropriate costume; and the bridegroom and his chosen
friend, in blue coats, yellow waist-coats, white trousers, and
Berlin gloves to match.  They stopped at the corner of the street,
and called a coach with an air of indescribable dignity.  The
moment they were in, the bridesmaid threw a red shawl, which she
had, no doubt, brought on purpose, negligently over the number on
the door, evidently to delude pedestrians into the belief that the
hackney-coach was a private carriage; and away they went, perfectly
satisfied that the imposition was successful, and quite unconscious
that there was a great staring number stuck up behind, on a plate
as large as a schoolboy's slate.  A shilling a mile! - the ride was
worth five, at least, to them.

What an interesting book a hackney-coach might produce, if it could
carry as much in its head as it does in its body!  The
autobiography of a broken-down hackney-coach, would surely be as
amusing as the autobiography of a broken-down hackneyed dramatist;
and it might tell as much of its travels WITH the pole, as others
have of their expeditions TO it.  How many stories might be related
of the different people it had conveyed on matters of business or
profit - pleasure or pain!  And how many melancholy tales of the
same people at different periods!  The country-girl - the showy,
over-dressed woman - the drunken prostitute!  The raw apprentice -
the dissipated spendthrift - the thief!

Talk of cabs!  Cabs are all very well in cases of expedition, when
it's a matter of neck or nothing, life or death, your temporary
home or your long one.  But, besides a cab's lacking that gravity
of deportment which so peculiarly distinguishes a hackney-coach,
let it never be forgotten that a cab is a thing of yesterday, and
that he never was anything better.  A hackney-cab has always been a
hackney-cab, from his first entry into life; whereas a hackney-
coach is a remnant of past gentility, a victim to fashion, a
hanger-on of an old English family, wearing their arms, and, in
days of yore, escorted by men wearing their livery, stripped of his
finery, and thrown upon the world, like a once-smart footman when
he is no longer sufficiently juvenile for his office, progressing
lower and lower in the scale of four-wheeled degradation, until at
last it comes to - A STAND!



CHAPTER VIII - DOCTORS' COMMONS



Walking without any definite object through St. Paul's Churchyard,
a little while ago, we happened to turn down a street entitled
'Paul's-chain,' and keeping straight forward for a few hundred
yards, found ourself, as a natural consequence, in Doctors'
Commons.  Now Doctors' Commons being familiar by name to everybody,
as the place where they grant marriage-licenses to love-sick
couples, and divorces to unfaithful ones; register the wills of
people who have any property to leave, and punish hasty gentlemen
who call ladies by unpleasant names, we no sooner discovered that
we were really within its precincts, than we felt a laudable desire
to become better acquainted therewith; and as the first object of
our curiosity was the Court, whose decrees can even unloose the
bonds of matrimony, we procured a direction to it; and bent our
steps thither without delay.

Crossing a quiet and shady court-yard, paved with stone, and
frowned upon by old red brick houses, on the doors of which were
painted the names of sundry learned civilians, we paused before a
small, green-baized, brass-headed-nailed door, which yielding to
our gentle push, at once admitted us into an old quaint-looking
apartment, with sunken windows, and black carved wainscoting, at
the upper end of which, seated on a raised platform, of
semicircular shape, were about a dozen solemn-looking gentlemen, in
crimson gowns and wigs.

At a more elevated desk in the centre, sat a very fat and red-faced
gentleman, in tortoise-shell spectacles, whose dignified appearance
announced the judge; and round a long green-baized table below,
something like a billiard-table without the cushions and pockets,
were a number of very self-important-looking personages, in stiff
neckcloths, and black gowns with white fur collars, whom we at once
set down as proctors.  At the lower end of the billiard-table was
an individual in an arm-chair, and a wig, whom we afterwards
discovered to be the registrar; and seated behind a little desk,
near the door, were a respectable-looking man in black, of about
twenty-stone weight or thereabouts, and a fat-faced, smirking,
civil-looking body, in a black gown, black kid gloves, knee shorts,
and silks, with a shirt-frill in his bosom, curls on his head, and
a silver staff in his hand, whom we had no difficulty in
recognising as the officer of the Court.  The latter, indeed,
speedily set our mind at rest upon this point, for, advancing to
our elbow, and opening a conversation forthwith, he had
communicated to us, in less than five minutes, that he was the
apparitor, and the other the court-keeper; that this was the Arches
Court, and therefore the counsel wore red gowns, and the proctors
fur collars; and that when the other Courts sat there, they didn't
wear red gowns or fur collars either; with many other scraps of
intelligence equally interesting.  Besides these two officers,
there was a little thin old man, with long grizzly hair, crouched
in a remote corner, whose duty, our communicative friend informed
us, was to ring a large hand-bell when the Court opened in the
morning, and who, for aught his appearance betokened to the
contrary, might have been similarly employed for the last two
centuries at least.

The red-faced gentleman in the tortoise-shell spectacles had got
all the talk to himself just then, and very well he was doing it,
too, only he spoke very fast, but that was habit; and rather thick,
but that was good living.  So we had plenty of time to look about
us.  There was one individual who amused us mightily.  This was one
of the bewigged gentlemen in the red robes, who was straddling
before the fire in the centre of the Court, in the attitude of the
brazen Colossus, to the complete exclusion of everybody else.  He
had gathered up his robe behind, in much the same manner as a
slovenly woman would her petticoats on a very dirty day, in order
that he might feel the full warmth of the fire.  His wig was put on
all awry, with the tail straggling about his neck; his scanty grey
trousers and short black gaiters, made in the worst possible style,
imported an additional inelegant appearance to his uncouth person;
and his limp, badly-starched shirt-collar almost obscured his eyes.
We shall never be able to claim any credit as a physiognomist
again, for, after a careful scrutiny of this gentleman's
countenance, we had come to the conclusion that it bespoke nothing
but conceit and silliness, when our friend with the silver staff
whispered in our ear that he was no other than a doctor of civil
law, and heaven knows what besides.  So of course we were mistaken,
and he must be a very talented man.  He conceals it so well though
- perhaps with the merciful view of not astonishing ordinary people
too much - that you would suppose him to be one of the stupidest
dogs alive.

The gentleman in the spectacles having concluded his judgment, and
a few minutes having been allowed to elapse, to afford time for the
buzz of the Court to subside, the registrar called on the next
cause, which was 'the office of the Judge promoted by Bumple
against Sludberry.'  A general movement was visible in the Court,
at this announcement, and the obliging functionary with silver
staff whispered us that 'there would be some fun now, for this was
a brawling case.'

We were not rendered much the wiser by this piece of information,
till we found by the opening speech of the counsel for the
promoter, that, under a half-obsolete statute of one of the
Edwards, the court was empowered to visit with the penalty of
excommunication, any person who should be proved guilty of the
crime of 'brawling,' or 'smiting,' in any church, or vestry
adjoining thereto; and it appeared, by some eight-and-twenty
affidavits, which were duly referred to, that on a certain night,
at a certain vestry-meeting, in a certain parish particularly set
forth, Thomas Sludberry, the party appeared against in that suit,
had made use of, and applied to Michael Bumple, the promoter, the
words 'You be blowed;' and that, on the said Michael Bumple and
others remonstrating with the said Thomas Sludberry, on the
impropriety of his conduct, the said Thomas Sludberry repeated the
aforesaid expression, 'You be blowed;' and furthermore desired and
requested to know, whether the said Michael Bumple 'wanted anything
for himself;' adding, 'that if the said Michael Bumple did want
anything for himself, he, the said Thomas Sludberry, was the man to
give it him;' at the same time making use of other heinous and
sinful expressions, all of which, Bumple submitted, came within the
intent and meaning of the Act; and therefore he, for the soul's
health and chastening of Sludberry, prayed for sentence of
excommunication against him accordingly.

Upon these facts a long argument was entered into, on both sides,
to the great edification of a number of persons interested in the
parochial squabbles, who crowded the court; and when some very long
and grave speeches had been made PRO and CON, the red-faced
gentleman in the tortoise-shell spectacles took a review of the
case, which occupied half an hour more, and then pronounced upon
Sludberry the awful sentence of excommunication for a fortnight,
and payment of the costs of the suit.  Upon this, Sludberry, who
was a little, red-faced, sly-looking, ginger-beer seller, addressed
the court, and said, if they'd be good enough to take off the
costs, and excommunicate him for the term of his natural life
instead, it would be much more convenient to him, for he never went
to church at all.  To this appeal the gentleman in the spectacles
made no other reply than a look of virtuous indignation; and
Sludberry and his friends retired.  As the man with the silver
staff informed us that the court was on the point of rising, we
retired too - pondering, as we walked away, upon the beautiful
spirit of these ancient ecclesiastical laws, the kind and
neighbourly feelings they are calculated to awaken, and the strong
attachment to religious institutions which they cannot fail to
engender.

We were so lost in these meditations, that we had turned into the
street, and run up against a door-post, before we recollected where
we were walking.  On looking upwards to see what house we had
stumbled upon, the words 'Prerogative-Office,' written in large
characters, met our eye; and as we were in a sight-seeing humour
and the place was a public one, we walked in.

The room into which we walked, was a long, busy-looking place,
partitioned off, on either side, into a variety of little boxes, in
which a few clerks were engaged in copying or examining deeds.
Down the centre of the room were several desks nearly breast high,
at each of which, three or four people were standing, poring over
large volumes.  As we knew that they were searching for wills, they
attracted our attention at once.

It was curious to contrast the lazy indifference of the attorneys'
clerks who were making a search for some legal purpose, with the
air of earnestness and interest which distinguished the strangers
to the place, who were looking up the will of some deceased
relative; the former pausing every now and then with an impatient
yawn, or raising their heads to look at the people who passed up
and down the room; the latter stooping over the book, and running
down column after column of names in the deepest abstraction.

There was one little dirty-faced man in a blue apron, who after a
whole morning's search, extending some fifty years back, had just
found the will to which he wished to refer, which one of the
officials was reading to him in a low hurried voice from a thick
vellum book with large clasps.  It was perfectly evident that the
more the clerk read, the less the man with the blue apron
understood about the matter.  When the volume was first brought
down, he took off his hat, smoothed down his hair, smiled with
great self-satisfaction, and looked up in the reader's face with
the air of a man who had made up his mind to recollect every word
he heard.  The first two or three lines were intelligible enough;
but then the technicalities began, and the little man began to look
rather dubious.  Then came a whole string of complicated trusts,
and he was regularly at sea.  As the reader proceeded, it was quite
apparent that it was a hopeless case, and the little man, with his
mouth open and his eyes fixed upon his face, looked on with an
expression of bewilderment and perplexity irresistibly ludicrous.

A little further on, a hard-featured old man with a deeply-wrinkled
face, was intently perusing a lengthy will with the aid of a pair
of horn spectacles:  occasionally pausing from his task, and slily
noting down some brief memorandum of the bequests contained in it.
Every wrinkle about his toothless mouth, and sharp keen eyes, told
of avarice and cunning.  His clothes were nearly threadbare, but it
was easy to see that he wore them from choice and not from
necessity; all his looks and gestures down to the very small
pinches of snuff which he every now and then took from a little tin
canister, told of wealth, and penury, and avarice.

As he leisurely closed the register, put up his spectacles, and
folded his scraps of paper in a large leathern pocket-book, we
thought what a nice hard bargain he was driving with some poverty-
stricken legatee, who, tired of waiting year after year, until some
life-interest should fall in, was selling his chance, just as it
began to grow most valuable, for a twelfth part of its worth.  It
was a good speculation - a very safe one.  The old man stowed his
pocket-book carefully in the breast of his great-coat, and hobbled
away with a leer of triumph.  That will had made him ten years
younger at the lowest computation.

Having commenced our observations, we should certainly have
extended them to another dozen of people at least, had not a sudden
shutting up and putting away of the worm-eaten old books, warned us
that the time for closing the office had arrived; and thus deprived
us of a pleasure, and spared our readers an infliction.

We naturally fell into a train of reflection as we walked
homewards, upon the curious old records of likings and dislikings;
of jealousies and revenges; of affection defying the power of
death, and hatred pursued beyond the grave, which these
depositories contain; silent but striking tokens, some of them, of
excellence of heart, and nobleness of soul; melancholy examples,
others, of the worst passions of human nature.  How many men as
they lay speechless and helpless on the bed of death, would have
given worlds but for the strength and power to blot out the silent
evidence of animosity and bitterness, which now stands registered
against them in Doctors' Commons!



CHAPTER IX - LONDON RECREATIONS



The wish of persons in the humbler classes of life, to ape the
manners and customs of those whom fortune has placed above them, is
often the subject of remark, and not unfrequently of complaint.
The inclination may, and no doubt does, exist to a great extent,
among the small gentility - the would-be aristocrats - of the
middle classes.  Tradesmen and clerks, with fashionable novel-
reading families, and circulating-library-subscribing daughters,
get up small assemblies in humble imitation of Almack's, and
promenade the dingy 'large room' of some second-rate hotel with as
much complacency as the enviable few who are privileged to exhibit
their magnificence in that exclusive haunt of fashion and foolery.
Aspiring young ladies, who read flaming accounts of some 'fancy
fair in high life,' suddenly grow desperately charitable; visions
of admiration and matrimony float before their eyes; some
wonderfully meritorious institution, which, by the strangest
accident in the world, has never been heard of before, is
discovered to be in a languishing condition:  Thomson's great room,
or Johnson's nursery-ground, is forthwith engaged, and the
aforesaid young ladies, from mere charity, exhibit themselves for
three days, from twelve to four, for the small charge of one
shilling per head!  With the exception of these classes of society,
however, and a few weak and insignificant persons, we do not think
the attempt at imitation to which we have alluded, prevails in any
great degree.  The different character of the recreations of
different classes, has often afforded us amusement; and we have
chosen it for the subject of our present sketch, in the hope that
it may possess some amusement for our readers.

If the regular City man, who leaves Lloyd's at five o'clock, and
drives home to Hackney, Clapton, Stamford-hill, or elsewhere, can
be said to have any daily recreation beyond his dinner, it is his
garden.  He never does anything to it with his own hands; but he
takes great pride in it notwithstanding; and if you are desirous of
paying your addresses to the youngest daughter, be sure to be in
raptures with every flower and shrub it contains.  If your poverty
of expression compel you to make any distinction between the two,
we would certainly recommend your bestowing more admiration on his
garden than his wine.  He always takes a walk round it, before he
starts for town in the morning, and is particularly anxious that
the fish-pond should be kept specially neat.  If you call on him on
Sunday in summer-time, about an hour before dinner, you will find
him sitting in an arm-chair, on the lawn behind the house, with a
straw hat on, reading a Sunday paper.  A short distance from him
you will most likely observe a handsome paroquet in a large brass-
wire cage; ten to one but the two eldest girls are loitering in one
of the side walks accompanied by a couple of young gentlemen, who
are holding parasols over them - of course only to keep the sun off
- while the younger children, with the under nursery-maid, are
strolling listlessly about, in the shade.  Beyond these occasions,
his delight in his garden appears to arise more from the
consciousness of possession than actual enjoyment of it.  When he
drives you down to dinner on a week-day, he is rather fatigued with
the occupations of the morning, and tolerably cross into the
bargain; but when the cloth is removed, and he has drank three or
four glasses of his favourite port, he orders the French windows of
his dining-room (which of course look into the garden) to be
opened, and throwing a silk handkerchief over his head, and leaning
back in his arm-chair, descants at considerable length upon its
beauty, and the cost of maintaining it.  This is to impress you -
who are a young friend of the family - with a due sense of the
excellence of the garden, and the wealth of its owner; and when he
has exhausted the subject, he goes to sleep.

There is another and a very different class of men, whose
recreation is their garden.  An individual of this class, resides
some short distance from town - say in the Hampstead-road, or the
Kilburn-road, or any other road where the houses are small and
neat, and have little slips of back garden.  He and his wife - who
is as clean and compact a little body as himself - have occupied
the same house ever since he retired from business twenty years
ago.  They have no family.  They once had a son, who died at about
five years old.  The child's portrait hangs over the mantelpiece in
the best sitting-room, and a little cart he used to draw about, is
carefully preserved as a relic.

In fine weather the old gentleman is almost constantly in the
garden; and when it is too wet to go into it, he will look out of
the window at it, by the hour together.  He has always something to
do there, and you will see him digging, and sweeping, and cutting,
and planting, with manifest delight.  In spring-time, there is no
end to the sowing of seeds, and sticking little bits of wood over
them, with labels, which look like epitaphs to their memory; and in
the evening, when the sun has gone down, the perseverance with
which he lugs a great watering-pot about is perfectly astonishing.
The only other recreation he has, is the newspaper, which he
peruses every day, from beginning to end, generally reading the
most interesting pieces of intelligence to his wife, during
breakfast.  The old lady is very fond of flowers, as the hyacinth-
glasses in the parlour-window, and geranium-pots in the little
front court, testify.  She takes great pride in the garden too:
and when one of the four fruit-trees produces rather a larger
gooseberry than usual, it is carefully preserved under a wine-glass
on the sideboard, for the edification of visitors, who are duly
informed that Mr. So-and-so planted the tree which produced it,
with his own hands.  On a summer's evening, when the large
watering-pot has been filled and emptied some fourteen times, and
the old couple have quite exhausted themselves by trotting about,
you will see them sitting happily together in the little
summerhouse, enjoying the calm and peace of the twilight, and
watching the shadows as they fall upon the garden, and gradually
growing thicker and more sombre, obscure the tints of their gayest
flowers - no bad emblem of the years that have silently rolled over
their heads, deadening in their course the brightest hues of early
hopes and feelings which have long since faded away.  These are
their only recreations, and they require no more.  They have within
themselves, the materials of comfort and content; and the only
anxiety of each, is to die before the other.

This is no ideal sketch.  There USED to be many old people of this
description; their numbers may have diminished, and may decrease
still more.  Whether the course female education has taken of late
days - whether the pursuit of giddy frivolities, and empty
nothings, has tended to unfit women for that quiet domestic life,
in which they show far more beautifully than in the most crowded
assembly, is a question we should feel little gratification in
discussing:  we hope not.

Let us turn now, to another portion of the London population, whose
recreations present about as strong a contrast as can well be
conceived - we mean the Sunday pleasurers; and let us beg our
readers to imagine themselves stationed by our side in some well-
known rural 'Tea-gardens.'

The heat is intense this afternoon, and the people, of whom there
are additional parties arriving every moment, look as warm as the
tables which have been recently painted, and have the appearance of
being red-hot.  What a dust and noise!  Men and women - boys and
girls - sweethearts and married people - babies in arms, and
children in chaises - pipes and shrimps - cigars and periwinkles -
tea and tobacco.  Gentlemen, in alarming waistcoats, and steel
watch-guards, promenading about, three abreast, with surprising
dignity (or as the gentleman in the next box facetiously observes,
'cutting it uncommon fat!') - ladies, with great, long, white
pocket-handkerchiefs like small table-cloths, in their hands,
chasing one another on the grass in the most playful and
interesting manner, with the view of attracting the attention of
the aforesaid gentlemen - husbands in perspective ordering bottles
of ginger-beer for the objects of their affections, with a lavish
disregard of expense; and the said objects washing down huge
quantities of 'shrimps' and 'winkles,' with an equal disregard of
their own bodily health and subsequent comfort - boys, with great
silk hats just balanced on the top of their heads, smoking cigars,
and trying to look as if they liked them - gentlemen in pink shirts
and blue waistcoats, occasionally upsetting either themselves, or
somebody else, with their own canes.

Some of the finery of these people provokes a smile, but they are
all clean, and happy, and disposed to be good-natured and sociable.
Those two motherly-looking women in the smart pelisses, who are
chatting so confidentially, inserting a 'ma'am' at every fourth
word, scraped an acquaintance about a quarter of an hour ago:  it
originated in admiration of the little boy who belongs to one of
them - that diminutive specimen of mortality in the three-cornered
pink satin hat with black feathers.  The two men in the blue coats
and drab trousers, who are walking up and down, smoking their
pipes, are their husbands.  The party in the opposite box are a
pretty fair specimen of the generality of the visitors.  These are
the father and mother, and old grandmother:  a young man and woman,
and an individual addressed by the euphonious title of 'Uncle
Bill,' who is evidently the wit of the party.  They have some half-
dozen children with them, but it is scarcely necessary to notice
the fact, for that is a matter of course here.  Every woman in 'the
gardens,' who has been married for any length of time, must have
had twins on two or three occasions; it is impossible to account
for the extent of juvenile population in any other way.

Observe the inexpressible delight of the old grandmother, at Uncle
Bill's splendid joke of 'tea for four:  bread-and-butter for
forty;' and the loud explosion of mirth which follows his wafering
a paper 'pigtail' on the waiter's collar.  The young man is
evidently 'keeping company' with Uncle Bill's niece:  and Uncle
Bill's hints - such as 'Don't forget me at the dinner, you know,'
'I shall look out for the cake, Sally,' 'I'll be godfather to your
first - wager it's a boy,' and so forth, are equally embarrassing
to the young people, and delightful to the elder ones.  As to the
old grandmother, she is in perfect ecstasies, and does nothing but
laugh herself into fits of coughing, until they have finished the
'gin-and-water warm with,' of which Uncle Bill ordered 'glasses
round' after tea, 'just to keep the night air out, and to do it up
comfortable and riglar arter sitch an as-tonishing hot day!'

It is getting dark, and the people begin to move.  The field
leading to town is quite full of them; the little hand-chaises are
dragged wearily along, the children are tired, and amuse themselves
and the company generally by crying, or resort to the much more
pleasant expedient of going to sleep - the mothers begin to wish
they were at home again - sweethearts grow more sentimental than
ever, as the time for parting arrives - the gardens look mournful
enough, by the light of the two lanterns which hang against the
trees for the convenience of smokers - and the waiters who have
been running about incessantly for the last six hours, think they
feel a little tired, as they count their glasses and their gains.



CHAPTER X - THE RIVER



'Are you fond of the water?' is a question very frequently asked,
in hot summer weather, by amphibious-looking young men.  'Very,' is
the general reply.  'An't you?' - 'Hardly ever off it,' is the
response, accompanied by sundry adjectives, expressive of the
speaker's heartfelt admiration of that element.  Now, with all
respect for the opinion of society in general, and cutter clubs in
particular, we humbly suggest that some of the most painful
reminiscences in the mind of every individual who has occasionally
disported himself on the Thames, must be connected with his aquatic
recreations.  Who ever heard of a successful water-party? - or to
put the question in a still more intelligible form, who ever saw
one?  We have been on water excursions out of number, but we
solemnly declare that we cannot call to mind one single occasion of
the kind, which was not marked by more miseries than any one would
suppose could be reasonably crowded into the space of some eight or
nine hours.  Something has always gone wrong.  Either the cork of
the salad-dressing has come out, or the most anxiously expected
member of the party has not come out, or the most disagreeable man
in company would come out, or a child or two have fallen into the
water, or the gentleman who undertook to steer has endangered
everybody's life all the way, or the gentlemen who volunteered to
row have been 'out of practice,' and performed very alarming
evolutions, putting their oars down into the water and not being
able to get them up again, or taking terrific pulls without putting
them in at all; in either case, pitching over on the backs of their
heads with startling violence, and exhibiting the soles of their
pumps to the 'sitters' in the boat, in a very humiliating manner.

We grant that the banks of the Thames are very beautiful at
Richmond and Twickenham, and other distant havens, often sought
though seldom reached; but from the 'Red-us' back to Blackfriars-
bridge, the scene is wonderfully changed.  The Penitentiary is a
noble building, no doubt, and the sportive youths who 'go in' at
that particular part of the river, on a summer's evening, may be
all very well in perspective; but when you are obliged to keep in
shore coming home, and the young ladies will colour up, and look
perseveringly the other way, while the married dittos cough
slightly, and stare very hard at the water, you feel awkward -
especially if you happen to have been attempting the most distant
approach to sentimentality, for an hour or two previously.

Although experience and suffering have produced in our minds the
result we have just stated, we are by no means blind to a proper
sense of the fun which a looker-on may extract from the amateurs of
boating.  What can be more amusing than Searle's yard on a fine
Sunday morning?  It's a Richmond tide, and some dozen boats are
preparing for the reception of the parties who have engaged them.
Two or three fellows in great rough trousers and Guernsey shirts,
are getting them ready by easy stages; now coming down the yard
with a pair of sculls and a cushion - then having a chat with the
'Jack,' who, like all his tribe, seems to be wholly incapable of
doing anything but lounging about - then going back again, and
returning with a rudder-line and a stretcher - then solacing
themselves with another chat - and then wondering, with their hands
in their capacious pockets, 'where them gentlemen's got to as
ordered the six.'  One of these, the head man, with the legs of his
trousers carefully tucked up at the bottom, to admit the water, we
presume - for it is an element in which he is infinitely more at
home than on land - is quite a character, and shares with the
defunct oyster-swallower the celebrated name of 'Dando.'  Watch
him, as taking a few minutes' respite from his toils, he
negligently seats himself on the edge of a boat, and fans his broad
bushy chest with a cap scarcely half so furry.  Look at his
magnificent, though reddish whiskers, and mark the somewhat native
humour with which he 'chaffs' the boys and 'prentices, or cunningly
gammons the gen'lm'n into the gift of a glass of gin, of which we
verily believe he swallows in one day as much as any six ordinary
men, without ever being one atom the worse for it.

But the party arrives, and Dando, relieved from his state of
uncertainty, starts up into activity.  They approach in full
aquatic costume, with round blue jackets, striped shirts, and caps
of all sizes and patterns, from the velvet skull-cap of French
manufacture, to the easy head-dress familiar to the students of the
old spelling-books, as having, on the authority of the portrait,
formed part of the costume of the Reverend Mr. Dilworth.

This is the most amusing time to observe a regular Sunday water-
party.  There has evidently been up to this period no
inconsiderable degree of boasting on everybody's part relative to
his knowledge of navigation; the sight of the water rapidly cools
their courage, and the air of self-denial with which each of them
insists on somebody else's taking an oar, is perfectly delightful.
At length, after a great deal of changing and fidgeting, consequent
upon the election of a stroke-oar:  the inability of one gentleman
to pull on this side, of another to pull on that, and of a third to
pull at all, the boat's crew are seated.  'Shove her off!' cries
the cockswain, who looks as easy and comfortable as if he were
steering in the Bay of Biscay.  The order is obeyed; the boat is
immediately turned completely round, and proceeds towards
Westminster-bridge, amidst such a splashing and struggling as never
was seen before, except when the Royal George went down.  'Back
wa'ater, sir,' shouts Dando, 'Back wa'ater, you sir, aft;' upon
which everybody thinking he must be the individual referred to,
they all back water, and back comes the boat, stern first, to the
spot whence it started.  'Back water, you sir, aft; pull round, you
sir, for'ad, can't you?' shouts Dando, in a frenzy of excitement.
'Pull round, Tom, can't you?' re-echoes one of the party.  'Tom
an't for'ad,' replies another.  'Yes, he is,' cries a third; and
the unfortunate young man, at the imminent risk of breaking a
blood-vessel, pulls and pulls, until the head of the boat fairly
lies in the direction of Vauxhall-bridge.  'That's right - now pull
all on you!' shouts Dando again, adding, in an under-tone, to
somebody by him, 'Blowed if hever I see sich a set of muffs!' and
away jogs the boat in a zigzag direction, every one of the six oars
dipping into the water at a different time; and the yard is once
more clear, until the arrival of the next party.

A well-contested rowing-match on the Thames, is a very lively and
interesting scene.  The water is studded with boats of all sorts,
kinds, and descriptions; places in the coal-barges at the different
wharfs are let to crowds of spectators, beer and tobacco flow
freely about; men, women, and children wait for the start in
breathless expectation; cutters of six and eight oars glide gently
up and down, waiting to accompany their PROTEGES during the race;
bands of music add to the animation, if not to the harmony of the
scene; groups of watermen are assembled at the different stairs,
discussing the merits of the respective candidates; and the prize
wherry, which is rowed slowly about by a pair of sculls, is an
object of general interest.

Two o'clock strikes, and everybody looks anxiously in the direction
of the bridge through which the candidates for the prize will come
- half-past two, and the general attention which has been preserved
so long begins to flag, when suddenly a gun is heard, and a noise
of distant hurra'ing along each bank of the river - every head is
bent forward - the noise draws nearer and nearer - the boats which
have been waiting at the bridge start briskly up the river, and a
well-manned galley shoots through the arch, the sitters cheering on
the boats behind them, which are not yet visible.

'Here they are,' is the general cry - and through darts the first
boat, the men in her, stripped to the skin, and exerting every
muscle to preserve the advantage they have gained - four other
boats follow close astern; there are not two boats' length between
them - the shouting is tremendous, and the interest intense.  'Go
on, Pink' - 'Give it her, Red' - 'Sulliwin for ever' - 'Bravo!
George' - 'Now, Tom, now - now - now - why don't your partner
stretch out?' - 'Two pots to a pint on Yellow,' &c., &c.  Every
little public-house fires its gun, and hoists its flag; and the men
who win the heat, come in, amidst a splashing and shouting, and
banging and confusion, which no one can imagine who has not
witnessed it, and of which any description would convey a very
faint idea.

One of the most amusing places we know is the steam-wharf of the
London Bridge, or St. Katharine's Dock Company, on a Saturday
morning in summer, when the Gravesend and Margate steamers are
usually crowded to excess; and as we have just taken a glance at
the river above bridge, we hope our readers will not object to
accompany us on board a Gravesend packet.

Coaches are every moment setting down at the entrance to the wharf,
and the stare of bewildered astonishment with which the 'fares'
resign themselves and their luggage into the hands of the porters,
who seize all the packages at once as a matter of course, and run
away with them, heaven knows where, is laughable in the extreme.  A
Margate boat lies alongside the wharf, the Gravesend boat (which
starts first) lies alongside that again; and as a temporary
communication is formed between the two, by means of a plank and
hand-rail, the natural confusion of the scene is by no means
diminished.

'Gravesend?' inquires a stout father of a stout family, who follow
him, under the guidance of their mother, and a servant, at the no
small risk of two or three of them being left behind in the
confusion.  'Gravesend?'

'Pass on, if you please, sir,' replies the attendant - 'other boat,
sir.'

Hereupon the stout father, being rather mystified, and the stout
mother rather distracted by maternal anxiety, the whole party
deposit themselves in the Margate boat, and after having
congratulated himself on having secured very comfortable seats, the
stout father sallies to the chimney to look for his luggage, which
he has a faint recollection of having given some man, something, to
take somewhere.  No luggage, however, bearing the most remote
resemblance to his own, in shape or form, is to be discovered; on
which the stout father calls very loudly for an officer, to whom he
states the case, in the presence of another father of another
family - a little thin man - who entirely concurs with him (the
stout father) in thinking that it's high time something was done
with these steam companies, and that as the Corporation Bill failed
to do it, something else must; for really people's property is not
to be sacrificed in this way; and that if the luggage isn't
restored without delay, he will take care it shall be put in the
papers, for the public is not to be the victim of these great
monopolies.  To this, the officer, in his turn, replies, that that
company, ever since it has been St. Kat'rine's Dock Company, has
protected life and property; that if it had been the London Bridge
Wharf Company, indeed, he shouldn't have wondered, seeing that the
morality of that company (they being the opposition) can't be
answered for, by no one; but as it is, he's convinced there must be
some mistake, and he wouldn't mind making a solemn oath afore a
magistrate that the gentleman'll find his luggage afore he gets to
Margate.

Here the stout father, thinking he is making a capital point,
replies, that as it happens, he is not going to Margate at all, and
that 'Passenger to Gravesend' was on the luggage, in letters of
full two inches long; on which the officer rapidly explains the
mistake, and the stout mother, and the stout children, and the
servant, are hurried with all possible despatch on board the
Gravesend boat, which they reached just in time to discover that
their luggage is there, and that their comfortable seats are not.
Then the bell, which is the signal for the Gravesend boat starting,
begins to ring most furiously:  and people keep time to the bell,
by running in and out of our boat at a double-quick pace.  The bell
stops; the boat starts:  people who have been taking leave of their
friends on board, are carried away against their will; and people
who have been taking leave of their friends on shore, find that
they have performed a very needless ceremony, in consequence of
their not being carried away at all.  The regular passengers, who
have season tickets, go below to breakfast; people who have
purchased morning papers, compose themselves to read them; and
people who have not been down the river before, think that both the
shipping and the water, look a great deal better at a distance.

When we get down about as far as Blackwall, and begin to move at a
quicker rate, the spirits of the passengers appear to rise in
proportion.  Old women who have brought large wicker hand-baskets
with them, set seriously to work at the demolition of heavy
sandwiches, and pass round a wine-glass, which is frequently
replenished from a flat bottle like a stomach-warmer, with
considerable glee:  handing it first to the gentleman in the
foraging-cap, who plays the harp - partly as an expression of
satisfaction with his previous exertions, and partly to induce him
to play 'Dumbledumbdeary,' for 'Alick' to dance to; which being
done, Alick, who is a damp earthy child in red worsted socks, takes
certain small jumps upon the deck, to the unspeakable satisfaction
of his family circle.  Girls who have brought the first volume of
some new novel in their reticule, become extremely plaintive, and
expatiate to Mr. Brown, or young Mr. O'Brien, who has been looking
over them, on the blueness of the sky, and brightness of the water;
on which Mr. Brown or Mr. O'Brien, as the case may be, remarks in a
low voice that he has been quite insensible of late to the beauties
of nature, that his whole thoughts and wishes have centred in one
object alone - whereupon the young lady looks up, and failing in
her attempt to appear unconscious, looks down again; and turns over
the next leaf with great difficulty, in order to afford opportunity
for a lengthened pressure of the hand.

Telescopes, sandwiches, and glasses of brandy-and-water cold
without, begin to be in great requisition; and bashful men who have
been looking down the hatchway at the engine, find, to their great
relief, a subject on which they can converse with one another - and
a copious one too - Steam.

'Wonderful thing steam, sir.'  'Ah! (a deep-drawn sigh) it is
indeed, sir.'  'Great power, sir.'  'Immense - immense!'  'Great
deal done by steam, sir.'  'Ah! (another sigh at the immensity of
the subject, and a knowing shake of the head) you may say that,
sir.'  'Still in its infancy, they say, sir.'  Novel remarks of
this kind, are generally the commencement of a conversation which
is prolonged until the conclusion of the trip, and, perhaps, lays
the foundation of a speaking acquaintance between half-a-dozen
gentlemen, who, having their families at Gravesend, take season
tickets for the boat, and dine on board regularly every afternoon.



CHAPTER XI - ASTLEY'S



We never see any very large, staring, black Roman capitals, in a
book, or shop-window, or placarded on a wall, without their
immediately recalling to our mind an indistinct and confused
recollection of the time when we were first initiated in the
mysteries of the alphabet.  We almost fancy we see the pin's point
following the letter, to impress its form more strongly on our
bewildered imagination; and wince involuntarily, as we remember the
hard knuckles with which the reverend old lady who instilled into
our mind the first principles of education for ninepence per week,
or ten and sixpence per quarter, was wont to poke our juvenile head
occasionally, by way of adjusting the confusion of ideas in which
we were generally involved.  The same kind of feeling pursues us in
many other instances, but there is no place which recalls so
strongly our recollections of childhood as Astley's.  It was not a
'Royal Amphitheatre' in those days, nor had Ducrow arisen to shed
the light of classic taste and portable gas over the sawdust of the
circus; but the whole character of the place was the same, the
pieces were the same, the clown's jokes were the same, the riding-
masters were equally grand, the comic performers equally witty, the
tragedians equally hoarse, and the 'highly-trained chargers'
equally spirited.  Astley's has altered for the better - we have
changed for the worse.  Our histrionic taste is gone, and with
shame we confess, that we are far more delighted and amused with
the audience, than with the pageantry we once so highly
appreciated.

We like to watch a regular Astley's party in the Easter or
Midsummer holidays - pa and ma, and nine or ten children, varying
from five foot six to two foot eleven:  from fourteen years of age
to four.  We had just taken our seat in one of the boxes, in the
centre of the house, the other night, when the next was occupied by
just such a party as we should have attempted to describe, had we
depicted our BEAU IDEAL of a group of Astley's visitors.

First of all, there came three little boys and a little girl, who,
in pursuance of pa's directions, issued in a very audible voice
from the box-door, occupied the front row; then two more little
girls were ushered in by a young lady, evidently the governess.
Then came three more little boys, dressed like the first, in blue
jackets and trousers, with lay-down shirt-collars:  then a child in
a braided frock and high state of astonishment, with very large
round eyes, opened to their utmost width, was lifted over the seats
- a process which occasioned a considerable display of little pink
legs - then came ma and pa, and then the eldest son, a boy of
fourteen years old, who was evidently trying to look as if he did
not belong to the family.

The first five minutes were occupied in taking the shawls off the
little girls, and adjusting the bows which ornamented their hair;
then it was providentially discovered that one of the little boys
was seated behind a pillar and could not see, so the governess was
stuck behind the pillar, and the boy lifted into her place.  Then
pa drilled the boys, and directed the stowing away of their pocket-
handkerchiefs, and ma having first nodded and winked to the
governess to pull the girls' frocks a little more off their
shoulders, stood up to review the little troop - an inspection
which appeared to terminate much to her own satisfaction, for she
looked with a complacent air at pa, who was standing up at the
further end of the seat.  Pa returned the glance, and blew his nose
very emphatically; and the poor governess peeped out from behind
the pillar, and timidly tried to catch ma's eye, with a look
expressive of her high admiration of the whole family.  Then two of
the little boys who had been discussing the point whether Astley's
was more than twice as large as Drury Lane, agreed to refer it to
'George' for his decision; at which 'George,' who was no other than
the young gentleman before noticed, waxed indignant, and
remonstrated in no very gentle terms on the gross impropriety of
having his name repeated in so loud a voice at a public place, on
which all the children laughed very heartily, and one of the little
boys wound up by expressing his opinion, that 'George began to
think himself quite a man now,' whereupon both pa and ma laughed
too; and George (who carried a dress cane and was cultivating
whiskers) muttered that 'William always was encouraged in his
impertinence;' and assumed a look of profound contempt, which
lasted the whole evening.

The play began, and the interest of the little boys knew no bounds.
Pa was clearly interested too, although he very unsuccessfully
endeavoured to look as if he wasn't.  As for ma, she was perfectly
overcome by the drollery of the principal comedian, and laughed
till every one of the immense bows on her ample cap trembled, at
which the governess peeped out from behind the pillar again, and
whenever she could catch ma's eye, put her handkerchief to her
mouth, and appeared, as in duty bound, to be in convulsions of
laughter also.  Then when the man in the splendid armour vowed to
rescue the lady or perish in the attempt, the little boys applauded
vehemently, especially one little fellow who was apparently on a
visit to the family, and had been carrying on a child's flirtation,
the whole evening, with a small coquette of twelve years old, who
looked like a model of her mamma on a reduced scale; and who, in
common with the other little girls (who generally speaking have
even more coquettishness about them than much older ones), looked
very properly shocked, when the knight's squire kissed the
princess's confidential chambermaid.

When the scenes in the circle commenced, the children were more
delighted than ever; and the wish to see what was going forward,
completely conquering pa's dignity, he stood up in the box, and
applauded as loudly as any of them.  Between each feat of
horsemanship, the governess leant across to ma, and retailed the
clever remarks of the children on that which had preceded:  and ma,
in the openness of her heart, offered the governess an acidulated
drop, and the governess, gratified to be taken notice of, retired
behind her pillar again with a brighter countenance:  and the whole
party seemed quite happy, except the exquisite in the back of the
box, who, being too grand to take any interest in the children, and
too insignificant to be taken notice of by anybody else, occupied
himself, from time to time, in rubbing the place where the whiskers
ought to be, and was completely alone in his glory.

We defy any one who has been to Astley's two or three times, and is
consequently capable of appreciating the perseverance with which
precisely the same jokes are repeated night after night, and season
after season, not to be amused with one part of the performances at
least - we mean the scenes in the circle.  For ourself, we know
that when the hoop, composed of jets of gas, is let down, the
curtain drawn up for the convenience of the half-price on their
ejectment from the ring, the orange-peel cleared away, and the
sawdust shaken, with mathematical precision, into a complete
circle, we feel as much enlivened as the youngest child present;
and actually join in the laugh which follows the clown's shrill
shout of 'Here we are!' just for old acquaintance' sake.  Nor can
we quite divest ourself of our old feeling of reverence for the
riding-master, who follows the clown with a long whip in his hand,
and bows to the audience with graceful dignity.  He is none of your
second-rate riding-masters in nankeen dressing-gowns, with brown
frogs, but the regular gentleman-attendant on the principal riders,
who always wears a military uniform with a table-cloth inside the
breast of the coat, in which costume he forcibly reminds one of a
fowl trussed for roasting.  He is - but why should we attempt to
describe that of which no description can convey an adequate idea?
Everybody knows the man, and everybody remembers his polished
boots, his graceful demeanour, stiff, as some misjudging persons
have in their jealousy considered it, and the splendid head of
black hair, parted high on the forehead, to impart to the
countenance an appearance of deep thought and poetic melancholy.
His soft and pleasing voice, too, is in perfect unison with his
noble bearing, as he humours the clown by indulging in a little
badinage; and the striking recollection of his own dignity, with
which he exclaims, 'Now, sir, if you please, inquire for Miss
Woolford, sir,' can never be forgotten.  The graceful air, too,
with which he introduces Miss Woolford into the arena, and, after
assisting her to the saddle, follows her fairy courser round the
circle, can never fail to create a deep impression in the bosom of
every female servant present.

When Miss Woolford, and the horse, and the orchestra, all stop
together to take breath, he urbanely takes part in some such
dialogue as the following (commenced by the clown):  'I say, sir!'
- 'Well, sir?' (it's always conducted in the politest manner.) -
'Did you ever happen to hear I was in the army, sir?' - 'No, sir.'
- 'Oh, yes, sir - I can go through my exercise, sir.' - 'Indeed,
sir!' - 'Shall I do it now, sir?' - 'If you please, sir; come, sir
- make haste' (a cut with the long whip, and 'Ha' done now - I
don't like it,' from the clown).  Here the clown throws himself on
the ground, and goes through a variety of gymnastic convulsions,
doubling himself up, and untying himself again, and making himself
look very like a man in the most hopeless extreme of human agony,
to the vociferous delight of the gallery, until he is interrupted
by a second cut from the long whip, and a request to see 'what Miss
Woolford's stopping for?'  On which, to the inexpressible mirth of
the gallery, he exclaims, 'Now, Miss Woolford, what can I come for
to go, for to fetch, for to bring, for to carry, for to do, for
you, ma'am?'  On the lady's announcing with a sweet smile that she
wants the two flags, they are, with sundry grimaces, procured and
handed up; the clown facetiously observing after the performance of
the latter ceremony - 'He, he, oh!  I say, sir, Miss Woolford knows
me; she smiled at me.'  Another cut from the whip, a burst from the
orchestra, a start from the horse, and round goes Miss Woolford
again on her graceful performance, to the delight of every member
of the audience, young or old.  The next pause affords an
opportunity for similar witticisms, the only additional fun being
that of the clown making ludicrous grimaces at the riding-master
every time his back is turned; and finally quitting the circle by
jumping over his head, having previously directed his attention
another way.

Did any of our readers ever notice the class of people, who hang
about the stage-doors of our minor theatres in the daytime?  You
will rarely pass one of these entrances without seeing a group of
three or four men conversing on the pavement, with an indescribable
public-house-parlour swagger, and a kind of conscious air, peculiar
to people of this description.  They always seem to think they are
exhibiting; the lamps are ever before them.  That young fellow in
the faded brown coat, and very full light green trousers, pulls
down the wristbands of his check shirt, as ostentatiously as if it
were of the finest linen, and cocks the white hat of the summer-
before-last as knowingly over his right eye, as if it were a
purchase of yesterday.  Look at the dirty white Berlin gloves, and
the cheap silk handkerchief stuck in the bosom of his threadbare
coat.  Is it possible to see him for an instant, and not come to
the conclusion that he is the walking gentleman who wears a blue
surtout, clean collar, and white trousers, for half an hour, and
then shrinks into his worn-out scanty clothes:  who has to boast
night after night of his splendid fortune, with the painful
consciousness of a pound a-week and his boots to find; to talk of
his father's mansion in the country, with a dreary recollection of
his own two-pair back, in the New Cut; and to be envied and
flattered as the favoured lover of a rich heiress, remembering all
the while that the ex-dancer at home is in the family way, and out
of an engagement?

Next to him, perhaps, you will see a thin pale man, with a very
long face, in a suit of shining black, thoughtfully knocking that
part of his boot which once had a heel, with an ash stick.  He is
the man who does the heavy business, such as prosy fathers,
virtuous servants, curates, landlords, and so forth.

By the way, talking of fathers, we should very much like to see
some piece in which all the dramatis personae were orphans.
Fathers are invariably great nuisances on the stage, and always
have to give the hero or heroine a long explanation of what was
done before the curtain rose, usually commencing with 'It is now
nineteen years, my dear child, since your blessed mother (here the
old villain's voice falters) confided you to my charge.  You were
then an infant,' &c., &c.  Or else they have to discover, all of a
sudden, that somebody whom they have been in constant communication
with, during three long acts, without the slightest suspicion, is
their own child:  in which case they exclaim, 'Ah! what do I see?
This bracelet!  That smile!  These documents!  Those eyes!  Can I
believe my senses? - It must be! - Yes - it is, it is my child!' -
'My father!' exclaims the child; and they fall into each other's
arms, and look over each other's shoulders, and the audience give
three rounds of applause.

To return from this digression, we were about to say, that these
are the sort of people whom you see talking, and attitudinising,
outside the stage-doors of our minor theatres.  At Astley's they
are always more numerous than at any other place.  There is
generally a groom or two, sitting on the window-sill, and two or
three dirty shabby-genteel men in checked neckerchiefs, and sallow
linen, lounging about, and carrying, perhaps, under one arm, a pair
of stage shoes badly wrapped up in a piece of old newspaper.  Some
years ago we used to stand looking, open-mouthed, at these men,
with a feeling of mysterious curiosity, the very recollection of
which provokes a smile at the moment we are writing.  We could not
believe that the beings of light and elegance, in milk-white
tunics, salmon-coloured legs, and blue scarfs, who flitted on sleek
cream-coloured horses before our eyes at night, with all the aid of
lights, music, and artificial flowers, could be the pale,
dissipated-looking creatures we beheld by day.

We can hardly believe it now.  Of the lower class of actors we have
seen something, and it requires no great exercise of imagination to
identify the walking gentleman with the 'dirty swell,' the comic
singer with the public-house chairman, or the leading tragedian
with drunkenness and distress; but these other men are mysterious
beings, never seen out of the ring, never beheld but in the costume
of gods and sylphs.  With the exception of Ducrow, who can scarcely
be classed among them, who ever knew a rider at Astley's, or saw
him but on horseback?  Can our friend in the military uniform ever
appear in threadbare attire, or descend to the comparatively un-
wadded costume of every-day life?  Impossible!  We cannot - we will
not - believe it.



CHAPTER XII - GREENWICH FAIR



If the Parks be 'the lungs of London,' we wonder what Greenwich
Fair is - a periodical breaking out, we suppose, a sort of spring-
rash:  a three days' fever, which cools the blood for six months
afterwards, and at the expiration of which London is restored to
its old habits of plodding industry, as suddenly and completely as
if nothing had ever happened to disturb them.

In our earlier days, we were a constant frequenter of Greenwich
Fair, for years.  We have proceeded to, and returned from it, in
almost every description of vehicle.  We cannot conscientiously
deny the charge of having once made the passage in a spring-van,
accompanied by thirteen gentlemen, fourteen ladies, an unlimited
number of children, and a barrel of beer; and we have a vague
recollection of having, in later days, found ourself the eighth
outside, on the top of a hackney-coach, at something past four
o'clock in the morning, with a rather confused idea of our own
name, or place of residence.  We have grown older since then, and
quiet, and steady:  liking nothing better than to spend our Easter,
and all our other holidays, in some quiet nook, with people of whom
we shall never tire; but we think we still remember something of
Greenwich Fair, and of those who resort to it.  At all events we
will try.

The road to Greenwich during the whole of Easter Monday, is in a
state of perpetual bustle and noise.  Cabs, hackney-coaches, 'shay'
carts, coal-waggons, stages, omnibuses, sociables, gigs, donkey-
chaises - all crammed with people (for the question never is, what
the horse can draw, but what the vehicle will hold), roll along at
their utmost speed; the dust flies in clouds, ginger-beer corks go
off in volleys, the balcony of every public-house is crowded with
people, smoking and drinking, half the private houses are turned
into tea-shops, fiddles are in great request, every little fruit-
shop displays its stall of gilt gingerbread and penny toys;
turnpike men are in despair; horses won't go on, and wheels will
come off; ladies in 'carawans' scream with fright at every fresh
concussion, and their admirers find it necessary to sit remarkably
close to them, by way of encouragement; servants-of-all-work, who
are not allowed to have followers, and have got a holiday for the
day, make the most of their time with the faithful admirer who
waits for a stolen interview at the corner of the street every
night, when they go to fetch the beer - apprentices grow
sentimental, and straw-bonnet makers kind.  Everybody is anxious to
get on, and actuated by the common wish to be at the fair, or in
the park, as soon as possible.

Pedestrians linger in groups at the roadside, unable to resist the
allurements of the stout proprietress of the 'Jack-in-the-box,
three shies a penny,' or the more splendid offers of the man with
three thimbles and a pea on a little round board, who astonishes
the bewildered crowd with some such address as, 'Here's the sort o'
game to make you laugh seven years arter you're dead, and turn
ev'ry air on your ed gray vith delight!  Three thimbles and vun
little pea - with a vun, two, three, and a two, three, vun:  catch
him who can, look on, keep your eyes open, and niver say die! niver
mind the change, and the expense:  all fair and above board:  them
as don't play can't vin, and luck attend the ryal sportsman!  Bet
any gen'lm'n any sum of money, from harf-a-crown up to a suverin,
as he doesn't name the thimble as kivers the pea!'  Here some
greenhorn whispers his friend that he distinctly saw the pea roll
under the middle thimble - an impression which is immediately
confirmed by a gentleman in top-boots, who is standing by, and who,
in a low tone, regrets his own inability to bet, in consequence of
having unfortunately left his purse at home, but strongly urges the
stranger not to neglect such a golden opportunity.  The 'plant' is
successful, the bet is made, the stranger of course loses:  and the
gentleman with the thimbles consoles him, as he pockets the money,
with an assurance that it's 'all the fortin of war! this time I
vin, next time you vin:  niver mind the loss of two bob and a
bender!  Do it up in a small parcel, and break out in a fresh
place.  Here's the sort o' game,' &c. - and the eloquent harangue,
with such variations as the speaker's exuberant fancy suggests, is
again repeated to the gaping crowd, reinforced by the accession of
several new-comers.

The chief place of resort in the daytime, after the public-houses,
is the park, in which the principal amusement is to drag young
ladies up the steep hill which leads to the Observatory, and then
drag them down again, at the very top of their speed, greatly to
the derangement of their curls and bonnet-caps, and much to the
edification of lookers-on from below.  'Kiss in the Ring,' and
'Threading my Grandmother's Needle,' too, are sports which receive
their full share of patronage.  Love-sick swains, under the
influence of gin-and-water, and the tender passion, become
violently affectionate:  and the fair objects of their regard
enhance the value of stolen kisses, by a vast deal of struggling,
and holding down of heads, and cries of 'Oh!  Ha' done, then,
George - Oh, do tickle him for me, Mary - Well, I never!' and
similar Lucretian ejaculations.  Little old men and women, with a
small basket under one arm, and a wine-glass, without a foot, in
the other hand, tender 'a drop o' the right sort' to the different
groups; and young ladies, who are persuaded to indulge in a drop of
the aforesaid right sort, display a pleasing degree of reluctance
to taste it, and cough afterwards with great propriety.

The old pensioners, who, for the moderate charge of a penny,
exhibit the mast-house, the Thames and shipping, the place where
the men used to hang in chains, and other interesting sights,
through a telescope, are asked questions about objects within the
range of the glass, which it would puzzle a Solomon to answer; and
requested to find out particular houses in particular streets,
which it would have been a task of some difficulty for Mr. Horner
(not the young gentleman who ate mince-pies with his thumb, but the
man of Colosseum notoriety) to discover.  Here and there, where
some three or four couple are sitting on the grass together, you
will see a sun-burnt woman in a red cloak 'telling fortunes' and
prophesying husbands, which it requires no extraordinary
observation to describe, for the originals are before her.
Thereupon, the lady concerned laughs and blushes, and ultimately
buries her face in an imitation cambric handkerchief, and the
gentleman described looks extremely foolish, and squeezes her hand,
and fees the gipsy liberally; and the gipsy goes away, perfectly
satisfied herself, and leaving those behind her perfectly satisfied
also:  and the prophecy, like many other prophecies of greater
importance, fulfils itself in time.

But it grows dark:  the crowd has gradually dispersed, and only a
few stragglers are left behind.  The light in the direction of the
church shows that the fair is illuminated; and the distant noise
proves it to be filling fast.  The spot, which half an hour ago was
ringing with the shouts of boisterous mirth, is as calm and quiet
as if nothing could ever disturb its serenity:  the fine old trees,
the majestic building at their feet, with the noble river beyond,
glistening in the moonlight, appear in all their beauty, and under
their most favourable aspect; the voices of the boys, singing their
evening hymn, are borne gently on the air; and the humblest
mechanic who has been lingering on the grass so pleasant to the
feet that beat the same dull round from week to week in the paved
streets of London, feels proud to think as he surveys the scene
before him, that he belongs to the country which has selected such
a spot as a retreat for its oldest and best defenders in the
decline of their lives.

Five minutes' walking brings you to the fair; a scene calculated to
awaken very different feelings.  The entrance is occupied on either
side by the vendors of gingerbread and toys:  the stalls are gaily
lighted up, the most attractive goods profusely disposed, and
unbonneted young ladies, in their zeal for the interest of their
employers, seize you by the coat, and use all the blandishments of
'Do, dear' - 'There's a love' - 'Don't be cross, now,' &c., to
induce you to purchase half a pound of the real spice nuts, of
which the majority of the regular fair-goers carry a pound or two
as a present supply, tied up in a cotton pocket-handkerchief.
Occasionally you pass a deal table, on which are exposed pen'orths
of pickled salmon (fennel included), in little white saucers:
oysters, with shells as large as cheese-plates, and divers
specimens of a species of snail (WILKS, we think they are called),
floating in a somewhat bilious-looking green liquid.  Cigars, too,
are in great demand; gentlemen must smoke, of course, and here they
are, two a penny, in a regular authentic cigar-box, with a lighted
tallow candle in the centre.

Imagine yourself in an extremely dense crowd, which swings you to
and fro, and in and out, and every way but the right one; add to
this the screams of women, the shouts of boys, the clanging of
gongs, the firing of pistols, the ringing of bells, the bellowings
of speaking-trumpets, the squeaking of penny dittos, the noise of a
dozen bands, with three drums in each, all playing different tunes
at the same time, the hallooing of showmen, and an occasional roar
from the wild-beast shows; and you are in the very centre and heart
of the fair.

This immense booth, with the large stage in front, so brightly
illuminated with variegated lamps, and pots of burning fat, is
'Richardson's,' where you have a melodrama (with three murders and
a ghost), a pantomime, a comic song, an overture, and some
incidental music, all done in five-and-twenty minutes.

The company are now promenading outside in all the dignity of wigs,
spangles, red-ochre, and whitening.  See with what a ferocious air
the gentleman who personates the Mexican chief, paces up and down,
and with what an eye of calm dignity the principal tragedian gazes
on the crowd below, or converses confidentially with the harlequin!
The four clowns, who are engaged in a mock broadsword combat, may
be all very well for the low-minded holiday-makers; but these are
the people for the reflective portion of the community.  They look
so noble in those Roman dresses, with their yellow legs and arms,
long black curly heads, bushy eyebrows, and scowl expressive of
assassination, and vengeance, and everything else that is grand and
solemn.  Then, the ladies - were there ever such innocent and
awful-looking beings; as they walk up and down the platform in twos
and threes, with their arms round each other's waists, or leaning
for support on one of those majestic men!  Their spangled muslin
dresses and blue satin shoes and sandals (a LEETLE the worse for
wear) are the admiration of all beholders; and the playful manner
in which they check the advances of the clown, is perfectly
enchanting.

'Just a-going to begin!  Pray come for'erd, come for'erd,' exclaims
the man in the countryman's dress, for the seventieth time:  and
people force their way up the steps in crowds.  The band suddenly
strikes up, the harlequin and columbine set the example, reels are
formed in less than no time, the Roman heroes place their arms a-
kimbo, and dance with considerable agility; and the leading tragic
actress, and the gentleman who enacts the 'swell' in the pantomime,
foot it to perfection.  'All in to begin,' shouts the manager, when
no more people can be induced to 'come for'erd,' and away rush the
leading members of the company to do the dreadful in the first
piece.

A change of performance takes place every day during the fair, but
the story of the tragedy is always pretty much the same.  There is
a rightful heir, who loves a young lady, and is beloved by her; and
a wrongful heir, who loves her too, and isn't beloved by her; and
the wrongful heir gets hold of the rightful heir, and throws him
into a dungeon, just to kill him off when convenient, for which
purpose he hires a couple of assassins - a good one and a bad one -
who, the moment they are left alone, get up a little murder on
their own account, the good one killing the bad one, and the bad
one wounding the good one.  Then the rightful heir is discovered in
prison, carefully holding a long chain in his hands, and seated
despondingly in a large arm-chair; and the young lady comes in to
two bars of soft music, and embraces the rightful heir; and then
the wrongful heir comes in to two bars of quick music (technically
called 'a hurry'), and goes on in the most shocking manner,
throwing the young lady about as if she was nobody, and calling the
rightful heir 'Ar-recreant - ar-wretch!' in a very loud voice,
which answers the double purpose of displaying his passion, and
preventing the sound being deadened by the sawdust.  The interest
becomes intense; the wrongful heir draws his sword, and rushes on
the rightful heir; a blue smoke is seen, a gong is heard, and a
tall white figure (who has been all this time, behind the arm-
chair, covered over with a table-cloth), slowly rises to the tune
of 'Oft in the stilly night.'  This is no other than the ghost of
the rightful heir's father, who was killed by the wrongful heir's
father, at sight of which the wrongful heir becomes apoplectic, and
is literally 'struck all of a heap,' the stage not being large
enough to admit of his falling down at full length.  Then the good
assassin staggers in, and says he was hired in conjunction with the
bad assassin, by the wrongful heir, to kill the rightful heir; and
he's killed a good many people in his time, but he's very sorry for
it, and won't do so any more - a promise which he immediately
redeems, by dying off hand without any nonsense about it.  Then the
rightful heir throws down his chain; and then two men, a sailor,
and a young woman (the tenantry of the rightful heir) come in, and
the ghost makes dumb motions to them, which they, by supernatural
interference, understand - for no one else can; and the ghost (who
can't do anything without blue fire) blesses the rightful heir and
the young lady, by half suffocating them with smoke:  and then a
muffin-bell rings, and the curtain drops.

The exhibitions next in popularity to these itinerant theatres are
the travelling menageries, or, to speak more intelligibly, the
'Wild-beast shows,' where a military band in beef-eater's costume,
with leopard-skin caps, play incessantly; and where large highly-
coloured representations of tigers tearing men's heads open, and a
lion being burnt with red-hot irons to induce him to drop his
victim, are hung up outside, by way of attracting visitors.

The principal officer at these places is generally a very tall,
hoarse man, in a scarlet coat, with a cane in his hand, with which
he occasionally raps the pictures we have just noticed, by way of
illustrating his description - something in this way.  'Here, here,
here; the lion, the lion (tap), exactly as he is represented on the
canvas outside (three taps):  no waiting, remember; no deception.
The fe-ro-cious lion (tap, tap) who bit off the gentleman's head
last Cambervel vos a twelvemonth, and has killed on the awerage
three keepers a-year ever since he arrived at matoority.  No extra
charge on this account recollect; the price of admission is only
sixpence.'  This address never fails to produce a considerable
sensation, and sixpences flow into the treasury with wonderful
rapidity.

The dwarfs are also objects of great curiosity, and as a dwarf, a
giantess, a living skeleton, a wild Indian, 'a young lady of
singular beauty, with perfectly white hair and pink eyes,' and two
or three other natural curiosities, are usually exhibited together
for the small charge of a penny, they attract very numerous
audiences.  The best thing about a dwarf is, that he has always a
little box, about two feet six inches high, into which, by long
practice, he can just manage to get, by doubling himself up like a
boot-jack; this box is painted outside like a six-roomed house, and
as the crowd see him ring a bell, or fire a pistol out of the
first-floor window, they verily believe that it is his ordinary
town residence, divided like other mansions into drawing-rooms,
dining-parlour, and bedchambers.  Shut up in this case, the
unfortunate little object is brought out to delight the throng by
holding a facetious dialogue with the proprietor:  in the course of
which, the dwarf (who is always particularly drunk) pledges himself
to sing a comic song inside, and pays various compliments to the
ladies, which induce them to 'come for'erd' with great alacrity.
As a giant is not so easily moved, a pair of indescribables of most
capacious dimensions, and a huge shoe, are usually brought out,
into which two or three stout men get all at once, to the
enthusiastic delight of the crowd, who are quite satisfied with the
solemn assurance that these habiliments form part of the giant's
everyday costume.

The grandest and most numerously-frequented booth in the whole
fair, however, is 'The Crown and Anchor' - a temporary ball-room -
we forget how many hundred feet long, the price of admission to
which is one shilling.  Immediately on your right hand as you
enter, after paying your money, is a refreshment place, at which
cold beef, roast and boiled, French rolls, stout, wine, tongue,
ham, even fowls, if we recollect right, are displayed in tempting
array.  There is a raised orchestra, and the place is boarded all
the way down, in patches, just wide enough for a country dance.

There is no master of the ceremonies in this artificial Eden - all
is primitive, unreserved, and unstudied.  The dust is blinding, the
heat insupportable, the company somewhat noisy, and in the highest
spirits possible:  the ladies, in the height of their innocent
animation, dancing in the gentlemen's hats, and the gentlemen
promenading 'the gay and festive scene' in the ladies' bonnets, or
with the more expensive ornaments of false noses, and low-crowned,
tinder-box-looking hats:  playing children's drums, and accompanied
by ladies on the penny trumpet.

The noise of these various instruments, the orchestra, the
shouting, the 'scratchers,' and the dancing, is perfectly
bewildering.  The dancing, itself, beggars description - every
figure lasts about an hour, and the ladies bounce up and down the
middle, with a degree of spirit which is quite indescribable.  As
to the gentlemen, they stamp their feet against the ground, every
time 'hands four round' begins, go down the middle and up again,
with cigars in their mouths, and silk handkerchiefs in their hands,
and whirl their partners round, nothing loth, scrambling and
falling, and embracing, and knocking up against the other couples,
until they are fairly tired out, and can move no longer.  The same
scene is repeated again and again (slightly varied by an occasional
'row') until a late hour at night:  and a great many clerks and
'prentices find themselves next morning with aching heads, empty
pockets, damaged hats, and a very imperfect recollection of how it
was they did NOT get home.



CHAPTER XIII - PRIVATE THEATRES



'RICHARD THE THIRD. - DUKE OF GLO'STER 2L.; EARL OF RICHMOND, 1L;
DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM, 15S.; CATESBY, 12S.; TRESSEL, 10S. 6D.; LORD
STANLEY, 5S.; LORD MAYOR OF LONDON, 2S. 6D.'

Such are the written placards wafered up in the gentlemen's
dressing-room, or the green-room (where there is any), at a private
theatre; and such are the sums extracted from the shop-till, or
overcharged in the office expenditure, by the donkeys who are
prevailed upon to pay for permission to exhibit their lamentable
ignorance and boobyism on the stage of a private theatre.  This
they do, in proportion to the scope afforded by the character for
the display of their imbecility.  For instance, the Duke of
Glo'ster is well worth two pounds, because he has it all to
himself; he must wear a real sword, and what is better still, he
must draw it, several times in the course of the piece.  The
soliloquies alone are well worth fifteen shillings; then there is
the stabbing King Henry - decidedly cheap at three-and-sixpence,
that's eighteen-and-sixpence; bullying the coffin-bearers - say
eighteen-pence, though it's worth much more - that's a pound.  Then
the love scene with Lady Ann, and the bustle of the fourth act
can't be dear at ten shillings more - that's only one pound ten,
including the 'off with his head!' - which is sure to bring down
the applause, and it is very easy to do - 'Orf with his ed' (very
quick and loud; - then slow and sneeringly) - 'So much for Bu-u-u-
uckingham!'  Lay the emphasis on the 'uck;' get yourself gradually
into a corner, and work with your right hand, while you're saying
it, as if you were feeling your way, and it's sure to do.  The tent
scene is confessedly worth half-a-sovereign, and so you have the
fight in, gratis, and everybody knows what an effect may be
produced by a good combat.  One - two - three - four - over; then,
one - two - three - four - under; then thrust; then dodge and slide
about; then fall down on one knee; then fight upon it, and then get
up again and stagger.  You may keep on doing this, as long as it
seems to take - say ten minutes - and then fall down (backwards, if
you can manage it without hurting yourself), and die game:  nothing
like it for producing an effect.  They always do it at Astley's and
Sadler's Wells, and if they don't know how to do this sort of
thing, who in the world does?  A small child, or a female in white,
increases the interest of a combat materially - indeed, we are not
aware that a regular legitimate terrific broadsword combat could be
done without; but it would be rather difficult, and somewhat
unusual, to introduce this effect in the last scene of Richard the
Third, so the only thing to be done, is, just to make the best of a
bad bargain, and be as long as possible fighting it out.

The principal patrons of private theatres are dirty boys, low
copying-clerks, in attorneys' offices, capacious-headed youths from
city counting-houses, Jews whose business, as lenders of fancy
dresses, is a sure passport to the amateur stage, shop-boys who now
and then mistake their masters' money for their own; and a choice
miscellany of idle vagabonds.  The proprietor of a private theatre
may be an ex-scene-painter, a low coffee-house-keeper, a
disappointed eighth-rate actor, a retired smuggler, or
uncertificated bankrupt.  The theatre itself may be in Catherine-
street, Strand, the purlieus of the city, the neighbourhood of
Gray's-inn-lane, or the vicinity of Sadler's Wells; or it may,
perhaps, form the chief nuisance of some shabby street, on the
Surrey side of Waterloo-bridge.

The lady performers pay nothing for their characters, and it is
needless to add, are usually selected from one class of society;
the audiences are necessarily of much the same character as the
performers, who receive, in return for their contributions to the
management, tickets to the amount of the money they pay.

All the minor theatres in London, especially the lowest, constitute
the centre of a little stage-struck neighbourhood.  Each of them
has an audience exclusively its own; and at any you will see
dropping into the pit at half-price, or swaggering into the back of
a box, if the price of admission be a reduced one, divers boys of
from fifteen to twenty-one years of age, who throw back their coat
and turn up their wristbands, after the portraits of Count D'Orsay,
hum tunes and whistle when the curtain is down, by way of
persuading the people near them, that they are not at all anxious
to have it up again, and speak familiarly of the inferior
performers as Bill Such-a-one, and Ned So-and-so, or tell each
other how a new piece called THE UNKNOWN BANDIT OF THE INVISIBLE
CAVERN, is in rehearsal; how Mister Palmer is to play THE UNKNOWN
BANDIT; how Charley Scarton is to take the part of an English
sailor, and fight a broadsword combat with six unknown bandits, at
one and the same time (one theatrical sailor is always equal to
half a dozen men at least); how Mister Palmer and Charley Scarton
are to go through a double hornpipe in fetters in the second act;
how the interior of the invisible cavern is to occupy the whole
extent of the stage; and other town-surprising theatrical
announcements.  These gentlemen are the amateurs - the RICHARDS,
SHYLOCKS, BEVERLEYS, and OTHELLOS - the YOUNG DORNTONS, ROVERS,
CAPTAIN ABSOLUTES, and CHARLES SURFACES - a private theatre.

See them at the neighbouring public-house or the theatrical coffee-
shop!  They are the kings of the place, supposing no real
performers to be present; and roll about, hats on one side, and
arms a-kimbo, as if they had actually come into possession of
eighteen shillings a-week, and a share of a ticket night.  If one
of them does but know an Astley's supernumerary he is a happy
fellow.  The mingled air of envy and admiration with which his
companions will regard him, as he converses familiarly with some
mouldy-looking man in a fancy neckerchief, whose partially corked
eyebrows, and half-rouged face, testify to the fact of his having
just left the stage or the circle, sufficiently shows in what high
admiration these public characters are held.

With the double view of guarding against the discovery of friends
or employers, and enhancing the interest of an assumed character,
by attaching a high-sounding name to its representative, these
geniuses assume fictitious names, which are not the least amusing
part of the play-bill of a private theatre.  Belville, Melville,
Treville, Berkeley, Randolph, Byron, St. Clair, and so forth, are
among the humblest; and the less imposing titles of Jenkins,
Walker, Thomson, Barker, Solomons, &c., are completely laid aside.
There is something imposing in this, and it is an excellent apology
for shabbiness into the bargain.  A shrunken, faded coat, a decayed
hat, a patched and soiled pair of trousers - nay, even a very dirty
shirt (and none of these appearances are very uncommon among the
members of the CORPS DRAMATIQUE), may be worn for the purpose of
disguise, and to prevent the remotest chance of recognition.  Then
it prevents any troublesome inquiries or explanations about
employment and pursuits; everybody is a gentleman at large, for the
occasion, and there are none of those unpleasant and unnecessary
distinctions to which even genius must occasionally succumb
elsewhere.  As to the ladies (God bless them), they are quite above
any formal absurdities; the mere circumstance of your being behind
the scenes is a sufficient introduction to their society - for of
course they know that none but strictly respectable persons would
be admitted into that close fellowship with them, which acting
engenders.  They place implicit reliance on the manager, no doubt;
and as to the manager, he is all affability when he knows you well,
- or, in other words, when he has pocketed your money once, and
entertains confident hopes of doing so again.

A quarter before eight - there will be a full house to-night - six
parties in the boxes, already; four little boys and a woman in the
pit; and two fiddles and a flute in the orchestra, who have got
through five overtures since seven o'clock (the hour fixed for the
commencement of the performances), and have just begun the sixth.
There will be plenty of it, though, when it does begin, for there
is enough in the bill to last six hours at least.

That gentleman in the white hat and checked shirt, brown coat and
brass buttons, lounging behind the stage-box on the O. P. side, is
Mr. Horatio St. Julien, alias Jem Larkins.  His line is genteel
comedy - his father's, coal and potato.  He DOES Alfred Highflier
in the last piece, and very well he'll do it - at the price.  The
party of gentlemen in the opposite box, to whom he has just nodded,
are friends and supporters of Mr. Beverley (otherwise Loggins), the
MACBETH of the night.  You observe their attempts to appear easy
and gentlemanly, each member of the party, with his feet cocked
upon the cushion in front of the box!  They let them do these
things here, upon the same humane principle which permits poor
people's children to knock double knocks at the door of an empty
house - because they can't do it anywhere else.  The two stout men
in the centre box, with an opera-glass ostentatiously placed before
them, are friends of the proprietor - opulent country managers, as
he confidentially informs every individual among the crew behind
the curtain - opulent country managers looking out for recruits; a
representation which Mr. Nathan, the dresser, who is in the
manager's interest, and has just arrived with the costumes, offers
to confirm upon oath if required - corroborative evidence, however,
is quite unnecessary, for the gulls believe it at once.

The stout Jewess who has just entered, is the mother of the pale,
bony little girl, with the necklace of blue glass beads, sitting by
her; she is being brought up to 'the profession.'  Pantomime is to
be her line, and she is coming out to-night, in a hornpipe after
the tragedy.  The short thin man beside Mr. St. Julien, whose white
face is so deeply seared with the small-pox, and whose dirty shirt-
front is inlaid with open-work, and embossed with coral studs like
ladybirds, is the low comedian and comic singer of the
establishment.  The remainder of the audience - a tolerably
numerous one by this time - are a motley group of dupes and
blackguards.

The foot-lights have just made their appearance:  the wicks of the
six little oil lamps round the only tier of boxes, are being turned
up, and the additional light thus afforded serves to show the
presence of dirt, and absence of paint, which forms a prominent
feature in the audience part of the house.  As these preparations,
however, announce the speedy commencement of the play, let us take
a peep 'behind,' previous to the ringing-up.

The little narrow passages beneath the stage are neither especially
clean nor too brilliantly lighted; and the absence of any flooring,
together with the damp mildewy smell which pervades the place, does
not conduce in any great degree to their comfortable appearance.
Don't fall over this plate basket - it's one of the 'properties' -
the caldron for the witches' cave; and the three uncouth-looking
figures, with broken clothes-props in their hands, who are drinking
gin-and-water out of a pint pot, are the weird sisters.  This
miserable room, lighted by candles in sconces placed at lengthened
intervals round the wall, is the dressing-room, common to the
gentlemen performers, and the square hole in the ceiling is THE
trap-door of the stage above.  You will observe that the ceiling is
ornamented with the beams that support the boards, and tastefully
hung with cobwebs.

The characters in the tragedy are all dressed, and their own
clothes are scattered in hurried confusion over the wooden dresser
which surrounds the room.  That snuff-shop-looking figure, in front
of the glass, is BANQUO,  and the young lady with the liberal
display of legs, who is kindly painting his face with a hare's
foot, is dressed for FLEANCE.  The large woman, who is consulting
the stage directions in Cumberland's edition of MACBETH, is the
LADY MACBETH of the night; she is always selected to play the part,
because she is tall and stout, and LOOKS a little like Mrs. Siddons
- at a considerable distance.  That stupid-looking milksop, with
light hair and bow legs - a kind of man whom you can warrant town-
made - is fresh caught; he plays MALCOLM to-night, just to accustom
himself to an audience.  He will get on better by degrees; he will
play OTHELLO in a month, and in a month more, will very probably be
apprehended on a charge of embezzlement.  The black-eyed female
with whom he is talking so earnestly, is dressed for the
'gentlewoman.'  It is HER first appearance, too - in that
character.  The boy of fourteen who is having his eyebrows smeared
with soap and whitening, is DUNCAN, King of Scotland; and the two
dirty men with the corked countenances, in very old green tunics,
and dirty drab boots, are the 'army.'

'Look sharp below there, gents,' exclaims the dresser, a red-headed
and red-whiskered Jew, calling through the trap, 'they're a-going
to ring up.  The flute says he'll be blowed if he plays any more,
and they're getting precious noisy in front.'  A general rush
immediately takes place to the half-dozen little steep steps
leading to the stage, and the heterogeneous group are soon
assembled at the side scenes, in breathless anxiety and motley
confusion.

'Now,' cries the manager, consulting the written list which hangs
behind the first P. S, wing, 'Scene 1, open country - lamps down -
thunder and lightning - all ready, White?'  [This is addressed to
one of the army.]  'All ready.' - 'Very well.  Scene 2, front
chamber.  Is the front chamber down?' - 'Yes.' - 'Very well.' -
'Jones' [to the other army who is up in the flies].  'Hallo!' -
'Wind up the open country when we ring up.' - 'I'll take care.' -
'Scene 3, back perspective with practical bridge.  Bridge ready,
White?  Got the tressels there?' - 'All right.'

'Very well.  Clear the stage,' cries the manager, hastily packing
every member of the company into the little space there is between
the wings and the wall, and one wing and another.  'Places, places.
Now then, Witches - Duncan - Malcolm - bleeding officer - where's
the bleeding officer?' - 'Here!' replies the officer, who has been
rose-pinking for the character.  'Get ready, then; now, White, ring
the second music-bell.'  The actors who are to be discovered, are
hastily arranged, and the actors who are not to be discovered place
themselves, in their anxiety to peep at the house, just where the
audience can see them.  The bell rings, and the orchestra, in
acknowledgment of the call, play three distinct chords.  The bell
rings - the tragedy (!) opens - and our description closes.



CHAPTER XIV - VAUXHALL-GARDENS BY DAY



There was a time when if a man ventured to wonder how Vauxhall-
gardens would look by day, he was hailed with a shout of derision
at the absurdity of the idea.  Vauxhall by daylight!  A porter-pot
without porter, the House of Commons without the Speaker, a gas-
lamp without the gas - pooh, nonsense, the thing was not to be
thought of.  It was rumoured, too, in those times, that Vauxhall-
gardens by day, were the scene of secret and hidden experiments;
that there, carvers were exercised in the mystic art of cutting a
moderate-sized ham into slices thin enough to pave the whole of the
grounds; that beneath the shade of the tall trees, studious men
were constantly engaged in chemical experiments, with the view of
discovering how much water a bowl of negus could possibly bear; and
that in some retired nooks, appropriated to the study of
ornithology, other sage and learned men were, by a process known
only to themselves, incessantly employed in reducing fowls to a
mere combination of skin and bone.

Vague rumours of this kind, together with many others of a similar
nature, cast over Vauxhall-gardens an air of deep mystery; and as
there is a great deal in the mysterious, there is no doubt that to
a good many people, at all events, the pleasure they afforded was
not a little enhanced by this very circumstance.

Of this class of people we confess to having made one.  We loved to
wander among these illuminated groves, thinking of the patient and
laborious researches which had been carried on there during the
day, and witnessing their results in the suppers which were served
up beneath the light of lamps and to the sound of music at night.
The temples and saloons and cosmoramas and fountains glittered and
sparkled before our eyes; the beauty of the lady singers and the
elegant deportment of the gentlemen, captivated our hearts; a few
hundred thousand of additional lamps dazzled our senses; a bowl or
two of punch bewildered our brains; and we were happy.

In an evil hour, the proprietors of Vauxhall-gardens took to
opening them by day.  We regretted this, as rudely and harshly
disturbing that veil of mystery which had hung about the property
for many years, and which none but the noonday sun, and the late
Mr. Simpson, had ever penetrated.  We shrunk from going; at this
moment we scarcely know why.  Perhaps a morbid consciousness of
approaching disappointment - perhaps a fatal presentiment - perhaps
the weather; whatever it was, we did NOT go until the second or
third announcement of a race between two balloons tempted us, and
we went.

We paid our shilling at the gate, and then we saw for the first
time, that the entrance, if there had been any magic about it at
all, was now decidedly disenchanted, being, in fact, nothing more
nor less than a combination of very roughly-painted boards and
sawdust.  We glanced at the orchestra and supper-room as we hurried
past - we just recognised them, and that was all.  We bent our
steps to the firework-ground; there, at least, we should not be
disappointed.  We reached it, and stood rooted to the spot with
mortification and astonishment.  THAT the Moorish tower - that
wooden shed with a door in the centre, and daubs of crimson and
yellow all round, like a gigantic watch-case!  THAT the place where
night after night we had beheld the undaunted Mr. Blackmore make
his terrific ascent, surrounded by flames of fire, and peals of
artillery, and where the white garments of Madame Somebody (we
forget even her name now), who nobly devoted her life to the
manufacture of fireworks, had so often been seen fluttering in the
wind, as she called up a red, blue, or party-coloured light to
illumine her temple!  THAT the - but at this moment the bell rung;
the people scampered away, pell-mell, to the spot from whence the
sound proceeded; and we, from the mere force of habit, found
ourself running among the first, as if for very life.

It was for the concert in the orchestra.  A small party of dismal
men in cocked hats were 'executing' the overture to TANCREDI, and a
numerous assemblage of ladies and gentlemen, with their families,
had rushed from their half-emptied stout mugs in the supper boxes,
and crowded to the spot.  Intense was the low murmur of admiration
when a particularly small gentleman, in a dress coat, led on a
particularly tall lady in a blue sarcenet pelisse and bonnet of the
same, ornamented with large white feathers, and forthwith commenced
a plaintive duet.

We knew the small gentleman well; we had seen a lithographed
semblance of him, on many a piece of music, with his mouth wide
open as if in the act of singing; a wine-glass in his hand; and a
table with two decanters and four pine-apples on it in the
background.  The tall lady, too, we had gazed on, lost in raptures
of admiration, many and many a time - how different people DO look
by daylight, and without punch, to be sure!  It was a beautiful
duet:  first the small gentleman asked a question, and then the
tall lady answered it; then the small gentleman and the tall lady
sang together most melodiously; then the small gentleman went
through a little piece of vehemence by himself, and got very tenor
indeed, in the excitement of his feelings, to which the tall lady
responded in a similar manner; then the small gentleman had a shake
or two, after which the tall lady had the same, and then they both
merged imperceptibly into the original air:  and the band wound
themselves up to a pitch of fury, and the small gentleman handed
the tall lady out, and the applause was rapturous.

The comic singer, however, was the especial favourite; we really
thought that a gentleman, with his dinner in a pocket-handkerchief,
who stood near us, would have fainted with excess of joy.  A
marvellously facetious gentleman that comic singer is; his
distinguishing characteristics are, a wig approaching to the
flaxen, and an aged countenance, and he bears the name of one of
the English counties, if we recollect right.  He sang a very good
song about the seven ages, the first half-hour of which afforded
the assembly the purest delight; of the rest we can make no report,
as we did not stay to hear any more.

We walked about, and met with a disappointment at every turn; our
favourite views were mere patches of paint; the fountain that had
sparkled so showily by lamp-light, presented very much the
appearance of a water-pipe that had burst; all the ornaments were
dingy, and all the walks gloomy.  There was a spectral attempt at
rope-dancing in the little open theatre.  The sun shone upon the
spangled dresses of the performers, and their evolutions were about
as inspiriting and appropriate as a country-dance in a family
vault.  So we retraced our steps to the firework-ground, and
mingled with the little crowd of people who were contemplating Mr.
Green.

Some half-dozen men were restraining the impetuosity of one of the
balloons, which was completely filled, and had the car already
attached; and as rumours had gone abroad that a Lord was 'going
up,' the crowd were more than usually anxious and talkative.  There
was one little man in faded black, with a dirty face and a rusty
black neckerchief with a red border, tied in a narrow wisp round
his neck, who entered into conversation with everybody, and had
something to say upon every remark that was made within his
hearing.  He was standing with his arms folded, staring up at the
balloon, and every now and then vented his feelings of reverence
for the aeronaut, by saying, as he looked round to catch somebody's
eye, 'He's a rum 'un is Green; think o' this here being up'ards of
his two hundredth ascent; ecod, the man as is ekal to Green never
had the toothache yet, nor won't have within this hundred year, and
that's all about it.  When you meets with real talent, and native,
too, encourage it, that's what I say;' and when he had delivered
himself to this effect, he would fold his arms with more
determination than ever, and stare at the balloon with a sort of
admiring defiance of any other man alive, beyond himself and Green,
that impressed the crowd with the opinion that he was an oracle.

'Ah, you're very right, sir,' said another gentleman, with his
wife, and children, and mother, and wife's sister, and a host of
female friends, in all the gentility of white pocket-handkerchiefs,
frills, and spencers, 'Mr. Green is a steady hand, sir, and there's
no fear about him.'

'Fear!' said the little man:  'isn't it a lovely thing to see him
and his wife a going up in one balloon, and his own son and HIS
wife a jostling up against them in another, and all of them going
twenty or thirty mile in three hours or so, and then coming back in
pochayses?  I don't know where this here science is to stop, mind
you; that's what bothers me.'

Here there was a considerable talking among the females in the
spencers.

'What's the ladies a laughing at, sir?' inquired the little man,
condescendingly.

'It's only my sister Mary,' said one of the girls, 'as says she
hopes his lordship won't be frightened when he's in the car, and
want to come out again.'

'Make yourself easy about that there, my dear,' replied the little
man.  'If he was so much as to move a inch without leave, Green
would jist fetch him a crack over the head with the telescope, as
would send him into the bottom of the basket in no time, and stun
him till they come down again.'

'Would he, though?' inquired the other man.

'Yes, would he,' replied the little one, 'and think nothing of it,
neither, if he was the king himself.  Green's presence of mind is
wonderful.'

Just at this moment all eyes were directed to the preparations
which were being made for starting.  The car was attached to the
second balloon, the two were brought pretty close together, and a
military band commenced playing, with a zeal and fervour which
would render the most timid man in existence but too happy to
accept any means of quitting that particular spot of earth on which
they were stationed.  Then Mr. Green, sen., and his noble companion
entered one car, and Mr. Green, jun., and HIS companion the other;
and then the balloons went up, and the aerial travellers stood up,
and the crowd outside roared with delight, and the two gentlemen
who had never ascended before, tried to wave their flags, as if
they were not nervous, but held on very fast all the while; and the
balloons were wafted gently away, our little friend solemnly
protesting, long after they were reduced to mere specks in the air,
that he could still distinguish the white hat of Mr. Green.  The
gardens disgorged their multitudes, boys ran up and down screaming
'bal-loon;' and in all the crowded thoroughfares people rushed out
of their shops into the middle of the road, and having stared up in
the air at two little black objects till they almost dislocated
their necks, walked slowly in again, perfectly satisfied.

The next day there was a grand account of the ascent in the morning
papers, and the public were informed how it was the finest day but
four in Mr. Green's remembrance; how they retained sight of the
earth till they lost it behind the clouds; and how the reflection
of the balloon on the undulating masses of vapour was gorgeously
picturesque; together with a little science about the refraction of
the sun's rays, and some mysterious hints respecting atmospheric
heat and eddying currents of air.

There was also an interesting account how a man in a boat was
distinctly heard by Mr. Green, jun., to exclaim, 'My eye!' which
Mr. Green, jun., attributed to his voice rising to the balloon, and
the sound being thrown back from its surface into the car; and the
whole concluded with a slight allusion to another ascent next
Wednesday, all of which was very instructive and very amusing, as
our readers will see if they look to the papers.  If we have
forgotten to mention the date, they have only to wait till next
summer, and take the account of the first ascent, and it will
answer the purpose equally well.



CHAPTER XV - EARLY COACHES



We have often wondered how many months' incessant travelling in a
post-chaise it would take to kill a man; and wondering by analogy,
we should very much like to know how many months of constant
travelling in a succession of early coaches, an unfortunate mortal
could endure.  Breaking a man alive upon the wheel, would be
nothing to breaking his rest, his peace, his heart - everything but
his fast - upon four; and the punishment of Ixion (the only
practical person, by-the-bye, who has discovered the secret of the
perpetual motion) would sink into utter insignificance before the
one we have suggested.  If we had been a powerful churchman in
those good times when blood was shed as freely as water, and men
were mowed down like grass, in the sacred cause of religion, we
would have lain by very quietly till we got hold of some especially
obstinate miscreant, who positively refused to be converted to our
faith, and then we would have booked him for an inside place in a
small coach, which travelled day and night:  and securing the
remainder of the places for stout men with a slight tendency to
coughing and spitting, we would have started him forth on his last
travels:  leaving him mercilessly to all the tortures which the
waiters, landlords, coachmen, guards, boots, chambermaids, and
other familiars on his line of road, might think proper to inflict.

Who has not experienced the miseries inevitably consequent upon a
summons to undertake a hasty journey?  You receive an intimation
from your place of business - wherever that may be, or whatever you
may be - that it will be necessary to leave town without delay.
You and your family are forthwith thrown into a state of tremendous
excitement; an express is immediately dispatched to the
washerwoman's; everybody is in a bustle; and you, yourself, with a
feeling of dignity which you cannot altogether conceal, sally forth
to the booking-office to secure your place.  Here a painful
consciousness of your own unimportance first rushes on your mind -
the people are as cool and collected as if nobody were going out of
town, or as if a journey of a hundred odd miles were a mere
nothing.  You enter a mouldy-looking room, ornamented with large
posting-bills; the greater part of the place enclosed behind a
huge, lumbering, rough counter, and fitted up with recesses that
look like the dens of the smaller animals in a travelling
menagerie, without the bars.  Some half-dozen people are 'booking'
brown-paper parcels, which one of the clerks flings into the
aforesaid recesses with an air of recklessness which you,
remembering the new carpet-bag you bought in the morning, feel
considerably annoyed at; porters, looking like so many Atlases,
keep rushing in and out, with large packages on their shoulders;
and while you are waiting to make the necessary inquiries, you
wonder what on earth the booking-office clerks can have been before
they were booking-office clerks; one of them with his pen behind
his ear, and his hands behind him, is standing in front of the
fire, like a full-length portrait of Napoleon; the other with his
hat half off his head, enters the passengers' names in the books
with a coolness which is inexpressibly provoking; and the villain
whistles - actually whistles - while a man asks him what the fare
is outside, all the way to Holyhead! - in frosty weather, too!
They are clearly an isolated race, evidently possessing no
sympathies or feelings in common with the rest of mankind.  Your
turn comes at last, and having paid the fare, you tremblingly
inquire - 'What time will it be necessary for me to be here in the
morning?' - 'Six o'clock,' replies the whistler, carelessly
pitching the sovereign you have just parted with, into a wooden
bowl on the desk.  'Rather before than arter,' adds the man with
the semi-roasted unmentionables, with just as much ease and
complacency as if the whole world got out of bed at five.  You turn
into the street, ruminating as you bend your steps homewards on the
extent to which men become hardened in cruelty, by custom.

If there be one thing in existence more miserable than another, it
most unquestionably is the being compelled to rise by candlelight.
If you have ever doubted the fact, you are painfully convinced of
your error, on the morning of your departure.  You left strict
orders, overnight, to be called at half-past four, and you have
done nothing all night but doze for five minutes at a time, and
start up suddenly from a terrific dream of a large church-clock
with the small hand running round, with astonishing rapidity, to
every figure on the dial-plate.  At last, completely exhausted, you
fall gradually into a refreshing sleep - your thoughts grow
confused - the stage-coaches, which have been 'going off' before
your eyes all night, become less and less distinct, until they go
off altogether; one moment you are driving with all the skill and
smartness of an experienced whip - the next you are exhibiting E LA
Ducrow, on the off-leader; anon you are closely muffled up, inside,
and have just recognised in the person of the guard an old
schoolfellow, whose funeral, even in your dream, you remember to
have attended eighteen years ago.  At last you fall into a state of
complete oblivion, from which you are aroused, as if into a new
state of existence, by a singular illusion.  You are apprenticed to
a trunk-maker; how, or why, or when, or wherefore, you don't take
the trouble to inquire; but there you are, pasting the lining in
the lid of a portmanteau.  Confound that other apprentice in the
back shop, how he is hammering! - rap, rap, rap - what an
industrious fellow he must be! you have heard him at work for half
an hour past, and he has been hammering incessantly the whole time.
Rap, rap, rap, again - he's talking now - what's that he said?
Five o'clock!  You make a violent exertion, and start up in bed.
The vision is at once dispelled; the trunk-maker's shop is your own
bedroom, and the other apprentice your shivering servant, who has
been vainly endeavouring to wake you for the last quarter of an
hour, at the imminent risk of breaking either his own knuckles or
the panels of the door.

You proceed to dress yourself, with all possible dispatch.  The
flaring flat candle with the long snuff, gives light enough to show
that the things you want, are not where they ought to be, and you
undergo a trifling delay in consequence of having carefully packed
up one of your boots in your over-anxiety of the preceding night.
You soon complete your toilet, however, for you are not particular
on such an occasion, and you shaved yesterday evening; so mounting
your Petersham great-coat, and green travelling shawl, and grasping
your carpet-bag in your right hand, you walk lightly down-stairs,
lest you should awaken any of the family, and after pausing in the
common sitting-room for one moment, just to have a cup of coffee
(the said common sitting-room looking remarkably comfortable, with
everything out of its place, and strewed with the crumbs of last
night's supper), you undo the chain and bolts of the street-door,
and find yourself fairly in the street.

A thaw, by all that is miserable!  The frost is completely broken
up. You look down the long perspective of Oxford-street, the gas-
lights mournfully reflected on the wet pavement, and can discern no
speck in the road to encourage the belief that there is a cab or a
coach to be had - the very coachmen have gone home in despair.  The
cold sleet is drizzling down with that gentle regularity, which
betokens a duration of four-and-twenty hours at least; the damp
hangs upon the house-tops and lamp-posts, and clings to you like an
invisible cloak.  The water is 'coming in' in every area, the pipes
have burst, the water-butts are running over; the kennels seem to
be doing matches against time, pump-handles descend of their own
accord, horses in market-carts fall down, and there's no one to
help them up again, policemen look as if they had been carefully
sprinkled with powdered glass; here and there a milk-woman trudges
slowly along, with a bit of list round each foot to keep her from
slipping; boys who 'don't sleep in the house,' and are not allowed
much sleep out of it, can't wake their masters by thundering at the
shop-door, and cry with the cold - the compound of ice, snow, and
water on the pavement, is a couple of inches thick - nobody
ventures to walk fast to keep himself warm, and nobody could
succeed in keeping himself warm if he did.

It strikes a quarter past five as you trudge down Waterloo-place on
your way to the Golden Cross, and you discover, for the first time,
that you were called about an hour too early.  You have not time to
go back; there is no place open to go into, and you have,
therefore, no resource but to go forward, which you do, feeling
remarkably satisfied with yourself, and everything about you.  You
arrive at the office, and look wistfully up the yard for the
Birmingham High-flier, which, for aught you can see, may have flown
away altogether, for preparations appear to be on foot for the
departure of any vehicle in the shape of a coach.  You wander into
the booking-office, which with the gas-lights and blazing fire,
looks quite comfortable by contrast - that is to say, if any place
CAN look comfortable at half-past five on a winter's morning.
There stands the identical book-keeper in the same position as if
he had not moved since you saw him yesterday.  As he informs you,
that the coach is up the yard, and will be brought round in about a
quarter of an hour, you leave your bag, and repair to 'The Tap' -
not with any absurd idea of warming yourself, because you feel such
a result to be utterly hopeless, but for the purpose of procuring
some hot brandy-and-water, which you do, - when the kettle boils!
an event which occurs exactly two minutes and a half before the
time fixed for the starting of the coach.

The first stroke of six, peals from St. Martin's church steeple,
just as you take the first sip of the boiling liquid.  You find
yourself at the booking-office in two seconds, and the tap-waiter
finds himself much comforted by your brandy-and-water, in about the
same period.  The coach is out; the horses are in, and the guard
and two or three porters, are stowing the luggage away, and running
up the steps of the booking-office, and down the steps of the
booking-office, with breathless rapidity.  The place, which a few
minutes ago was so still and quiet, is now all bustle; the early
vendors of the morning papers have arrived, and you are assailed on
all sides with shouts of 'TIMES, gen'lm'n, TIMES,' 'Here's CHRON -
CHRON - CHRON,' 'HERALD, ma'am,'  'Highly interesting murder,
gen'lm'n,' 'Curious case o' breach o' promise, ladies.'  The inside
passengers are already in their dens, and the outsides, with the
exception of yourself, are pacing up and down the pavement to keep
themselves warm; they consist of two young men with very long hair,
to which the sleet has communicated the appearance of crystallised
rats' tails; one thin young woman cold and peevish, one old
gentleman ditto ditto, and something in a cloak and cap, intended
to represent a military officer; every member of the party, with a
large stiff shawl over his chin, looking exactly as if he were
playing a set of Pan's pipes.

'Take off the cloths, Bob,' says the coachman, who now appears for
the first time, in a rough blue great-coat, of which the buttons
behind are so far apart, that you can't see them both at the same
time.  'Now, gen'lm'n,' cries the guard, with the waybill in his
hand.  'Five minutes behind time already!'  Up jump the passengers
- the two young men smoking like lime-kilns, and the old gentleman
grumbling audibly.  The thin young woman is got upon the roof, by
dint of a great deal of pulling, and pushing, and helping and
trouble, and she repays it by expressing her solemn conviction that
she will never be able to get down again.

'All right,' sings out the guard at last, jumping up as the coach
starts, and blowing his horn directly afterwards, in proof of the
soundness of his wind.  'Let 'em go, Harry, give 'em their heads,'
cries the coachman - and off we start as briskly as if the morning
were 'all right,' as well as the coach:  and looking forward as
anxiously to the termination of our journey, as we fear our readers
will have done, long since, to the conclusion of our paper.



CHAPTER XVI - OMNIBUSES



It is very generally allowed that public conveyances afford an
extensive field for amusement and observation.  Of all the public
conveyances that have been constructed since the days of the Ark -
we think that is the earliest on record - to the present time,
commend us to an omnibus.  A long stage is not to be despised, but
there you have only six insides, and the chances are, that the same
people go all the way with you - there is no change, no variety.
Besides, after the first twelve hours or so, people get cross and
sleepy, and when you have seen a man in his nightcap, you lose all
respect for him; at least, that is the case with us.  Then on
smooth roads people frequently get prosy, and tell long stories,
and even those who don't talk, may have very unpleasant
predilections.  We once travelled four hundred miles, inside a
stage-coach, with a stout man, who had a glass of rum-and-water,
warm, handed in at the window at every place where we changed
horses.  This was decidedly unpleasant.  We have also travelled
occasionally, with a small boy of a pale aspect, with light hair,
and no perceptible neck, coming up to town from school under the
protection of the guard, and directed to be left at the Cross Keys
till called for.  This is, perhaps, even worse than rum-and-water
in a close atmosphere.  Then there is the whole train of evils
consequent on a change of the coachman; and the misery of the
discovery - which the guard is sure to make the moment you begin to
doze - that he wants a brown-paper parcel, which he distinctly
remembers to have deposited under the seat on which you are
reposing.  A great deal of bustle and groping takes place, and when
you are thoroughly awakened, and severely cramped, by holding your
legs up by an almost supernatural exertion, while he is looking
behind them, it suddenly occurs to him that he put it in the fore-
boot.  Bang goes the door; the parcel is immediately found; off
starts the coach again; and the guard plays the key-bugle as loud
as he can play it, as if in mockery of your wretchedness.

Now, you meet with none of these afflictions in an omnibus;
sameness there can never be.  The passengers change as often in the
course of one journey as the figures in a kaleidoscope, and though
not so glittering, are far more amusing.  We believe there is no
instance on record, of a man's having gone to sleep in one of these
vehicles.  As to long stories, would any man venture to tell a long
story in an omnibus? and even if he did, where would be the harm?
nobody could possibly hear what he was talking about.  Again;
children, though occasionally, are not often to be found in an
omnibus; and even when they are, if the vehicle be full, as is
generally the case, somebody sits upon them, and we are unconscious
of their presence.  Yes, after mature reflection, and considerable
experience, we are decidedly of opinion, that of all known
vehicles, from the glass-coach in which we were taken to be
christened, to that sombre caravan in which we must one day make
our last earthly journey, there is nothing like an omnibus.

We will back the machine in which we make our daily peregrination
from the top of Oxford-street to the city, against any 'buss' on
the road, whether it be for the gaudiness of its exterior, the
perfect simplicity of its interior, or the native coolness of its
cad.  This young gentleman is a singular instance of self-devotion;
his somewhat intemperate zeal on behalf of his employers, is
constantly getting him into trouble, and occasionally into the
house of correction.  He is no sooner emancipated, however, than he
resumes the duties of his profession with unabated ardour.  His
principal distinction is his activity.  His great boast is, 'that
he can chuck an old gen'lm'n into the buss, shut him in, and rattle
off, afore he knows where it's a-going to' - a feat which he
frequently performs, to the infinite amusement of every one but the
old gentleman concerned, who, somehow or other, never can see the
joke of the thing.

We are not aware that it has ever been precisely ascertained, how
many passengers our omnibus will contain.  The impression on the
cad's mind evidently is, that it is amply sufficient for the
accommodation of any number of persons that can be enticed into it.
'Any room?' cries a hot pedestrian.  'Plenty o' room, sir,' replies
the conductor, gradually opening the door, and not disclosing the
real state of the case, until the wretched man is on the steps.
'Where?' inquires the entrapped individual, with an attempt to back
out again.  'Either side, sir,' rejoins the cad, shoving him in,
and slamming the door.  'All right, Bill.'  Retreat is impossible;
the new-comer rolls about, till he falls down somewhere, and there
he stops.

As we get into the city a little before ten, four or five of our
party are regular passengers.  We always take them up at the same
places, and they generally occupy the same seats; they are always
dressed in the same manner, and invariably discuss the same topics
- the increasing rapidity of cabs, and the disregard of moral
obligations evinced by omnibus men.  There is a little testy old
man, with a powdered head, who always sits on the right-hand side
of the door as you enter, with his hands folded on the top of his
umbrella.  He is extremely impatient, and sits there for the
purpose of keeping a sharp eye on the cad, with whom he generally
holds a running dialogue.  He is very officious in helping people
in and out, and always volunteers to give the cad a poke with his
umbrella, when any one wants to alight.  He usually recommends
ladies to have sixpence ready, to prevent delay; and if anybody
puts a window down, that he can reach, he immediately puts it up
again.

'Now, what are you stopping for?' says the little man every
morning, the moment there is the slightest indication of 'pulling
up' at the corner of Regent-street, when some such dialogue as the
following takes place between him and the cad:

'What are you stopping for?'

Here the cad whistles, and affects not to hear the question.

'I say [a poke], what are you stopping for?'

'For passengers, sir.  Ba - nk. - Ty.'

'I know you're stopping for passengers; but you've no business to
do so.  WHY are you stopping?'

'Vy, sir, that's a difficult question.  I think it is because we
perfer stopping here to going on.'

'Now mind,' exclaims the little old man, with great vehemence,
'I'll pull you up to-morrow; I've often threatened to do it; now I
will.'

'Thankee, sir,' replies the cad, touching his hat with a mock
expression of gratitude; - 'werry much obliged to you indeed, sir.'
Here the young men in the omnibus laugh very heartily, and the old
gentleman gets very red in the face, and seems highly exasperated.

The stout gentleman in the white neckcloth, at the other end of the
vehicle, looks very prophetic, and says that something must shortly
be done with these fellows, or there's no saying where all this
will end; and the shabby-genteel man with the green bag, expresses
his entire concurrence in the opinion, as he has done regularly
every morning for the last six months.

A second omnibus now comes up, and stops immediately behind us.
Another old gentleman elevates his cane in the air, and runs with
all his might towards our omnibus; we watch his progress with great
interest; the door is opened to receive him, he suddenly disappears
- he has been spirited away by the opposition.  Hereupon the driver
of the opposition taunts our people with his having 'regularly done
'em out of that old swell,' and the voice of the 'old swell' is
heard, vainly protesting against this unlawful detention.  We
rattle off, the other omnibus rattles after us, and every time we
stop to take up a passenger, they stop to take him too; sometimes
we get him; sometimes they get him; but whoever don't get him, say
they ought to have had him, and the cads of the respective vehicles
abuse one another accordingly.

As we arrive in the vicinity of Lincoln's-inn-fields, Bedford-row,
and other legal haunts, we drop a great many of our original
passengers, and take up fresh ones, who meet with a very sulky
reception.  It is rather remarkable, that the people already in an
omnibus, always look at newcomers, as if they entertained some
undefined idea that they have no business to come in at all.  We
are quite persuaded the little old man has some notion of this
kind, and that he considers their entry as a sort of negative
impertinence.

Conversation is now entirely dropped; each person gazes vacantly
through the window in front of him, and everybody thinks that his
opposite neighbour is staring at him.  If one man gets out at Shoe-
lane, and another at the corner of Farringdon-street, the little
old gentleman grumbles, and suggests to the latter, that if he had
got out at Shoe-lane too, he would have saved them the delay of
another stoppage; whereupon the young men laugh again, and the old
gentleman looks very solemn, and says nothing more till he gets to
the Bank, when he trots off as fast as he can, leaving us to do the
same, and to wish, as we walk away, that we could impart to others
any portion of the amusement we have gained for ourselves.



CHAPTER XVII - THE LAST CAB-DRIVER, AND THE FIRST OMNIBUS CAD



Of all the cabriolet-drivers whom we have ever had the honour and
gratification of knowing by sight - and our acquaintance in this
way has been most extensive - there is one who made an impression
on our mind which can never be effaced, and who awakened in our
bosom a feeling of admiration and respect, which we entertain a
fatal presentiment will never be called forth again by any human
being.  He was a man of most simple and prepossessing appearance.
He was a brown-whiskered, white-hatted, no-coated cabman; his nose
was generally red, and his bright blue eye not unfrequently stood
out in bold relief against a black border of artificial
workmanship; his boots were of the Wellington form, pulled up to
meet his corduroy knee-smalls, or at least to approach as near them
as their dimensions would admit of; and his neck was usually
garnished with a bright yellow handkerchief.  In summer he carried
in his mouth a flower; in winter, a straw - slight, but, to a
contemplative mind, certain indications of a love of nature, and a
taste for botany.

His cabriolet was gorgeously painted - a bright red; and wherever
we went, City or West End, Paddington or Holloway, North, East,
West, or South, there was the red cab, bumping up against the posts
at the street corners, and turning in and out, among hackney-
coaches, and drays, and carts, and waggons, and omnibuses, and
contriving by some strange means or other, to get out of places
which no other vehicle but the red cab could ever by any
possibility have contrived to get into at all.  Our fondness for
that red cab was unbounded.  How we should have liked to have seen
it in the circle at Astley's!  Our life upon it, that it should
have performed such evolutions as would have put the whole company
to shame - Indian chiefs, knights, Swiss peasants, and all.

Some people object to the exertion of getting into cabs, and others
object to the difficulty of getting out of them; we think both
these are objections which take their rise in perverse and ill-
conditioned minds.  The getting into a cab is a very pretty and
graceful process, which, when well performed, is essentially
melodramatic.  First, there is the expressive pantomime of every
one of the eighteen cabmen on the stand, the moment you raise your
eyes from the ground.  Then there is your own pantomime in reply -
quite a little ballet.  Four cabs immediately leave the stand, for
your especial accommodation; and the evolutions of the animals who
draw them, are beautiful in the extreme, as they grate the wheels
of the cabs against the curb-stones, and sport playfully in the
kennel.  You single out a particular cab, and dart swiftly towards
it.  One bound, and you are on the first step; turn your body
lightly round to the right, and you are on the second; bend
gracefully beneath the reins, working round to the left at the same
time, and you are in the cab.  There is no difficulty in finding a
seat:  the apron knocks you comfortably into it at once, and off
you go.

The getting out of a cab is, perhaps, rather more complicated in
its theory, and a shade more difficult in its execution.  We have
studied the subject a great deal, and we think the best way is, to
throw yourself out, and trust to chance for alighting on your feet.
If you make the driver alight first, and then throw yourself upon
him, you will find that he breaks your fall materially.  In the
event of your contemplating an offer of eightpence, on no account
make the tender, or show the money, until you are safely on the
pavement.  It is very bad policy attempting to save the fourpence.
You are very much in the power of a cabman, and he considers it a
kind of fee not to do you any wilful damage.  Any instruction,
however, in the art of getting out of a cab, is wholly unnecessary
if you are going any distance, because the probability is, that you
will be shot lightly out before you have completed the third mile.

We are not aware of any instance on record in which a cab-horse has
performed three consecutive miles without going down once.  What of
that?  It is all excitement.  And in these days of derangement of
the nervous system and universal lassitude, people are content to
pay handsomely for excitement; where can it be procured at a
cheaper rate?

But to return to the red cab; it was omnipresent.  You had but to
walk down Holborn, or Fleet-street, or any of the principal
thoroughfares in which there is a great deal of traffic, and judge
for yourself.  You had hardly turned into the street, when you saw
a trunk or two, lying on the ground:  an uprooted post, a hat-box,
a portmanteau, and a carpet-bag, strewed about in a very
picturesque manner:  a horse in a cab standing by, looking about
him with great unconcern; and a crowd, shouting and screaming with
delight, cooling their flushed faces against the glass windows of a
chemist's shop. - 'What's the matter here, can you tell me?' -
'O'ny a cab, sir.' - 'Anybody hurt, do you know?' - 'O'ny the fare,
sir.  I see him a turnin' the corner, and I ses to another gen'lm'n
"that's a reg'lar little oss that, and he's a comin' along rayther
sweet, an't he?" - "He just is," ses the other gen'lm'n, ven bump
they cums agin the post, and out flies the fare like bricks.'  Need
we say it was the red cab; or that the gentleman with the straw in
his mouth, who emerged so coolly from the chemist's shop and
philosophically climbing into the little dickey, started off at
full gallop, was the red cab's licensed driver?

The ubiquity of this red cab, and the influence it exercised over
the risible muscles of justice itself, was perfectly astonishing.
You walked into the justice-room of the Mansion-house; the whole
court resounded with merriment.  The Lord Mayor threw himself back
in his chair, in a state of frantic delight at his own joke; every
vein in Mr. Hobler's countenance was swollen with laughter, partly
at the Lord Mayor's facetiousness, but more at his own; the
constables and police-officers were (as in duty bound) in ecstasies
at Mr. Hobler and the Lord Mayor combined; and the very paupers,
glancing respectfully at the beadle's countenance, tried to smile,
as even he relaxed.  A tall, weazen-faced man, with an impediment
in his speech, would be endeavouring to state a case of imposition
against the red cab's driver; and the red cab's driver, and the
Lord Mayor, and Mr. Hobler, would be having a little fun among
themselves, to the inordinate delight of everybody but the
complainant.  In the end, justice would be so tickled with the red
cab-driver's native humour, that the fine would be mitigated, and
he would go away full gallop, in the red cab, to impose on somebody
else without loss of time.

The driver of the red cab, confident in the strength of his own
moral principles, like many other philosophers, was wont to set the
feelings and opinions of society at complete defiance.  Generally
speaking, perhaps, he would as soon carry a fare safely to his
destination, as he would upset him - sooner, perhaps, because in
that case he not only got the money, but had the additional
amusement of running a longer heat against some smart rival.  But
society made war upon him in the shape of penalties, and he must
make war upon society in his own way.  This was the reasoning of
the red cab-driver.  So, he bestowed a searching look upon the
fare, as he put his hand in his waistcoat pocket, when he had gone
half the mile, to get the money ready; and if he brought forth
eightpence, out he went.

The last time we saw our friend was one wet evening in Tottenham-
court-road, when he was engaged in a very warm and somewhat
personal altercation with a loquacious little gentleman in a green
coat.  Poor fellow! there were great excuses to be made for him:
he had not received above eighteenpence more than his fare, and
consequently laboured under a great deal of very natural
indignation.  The dispute had attained a pretty considerable
height, when at last the loquacious little gentleman, making a
mental calculation of the distance, and finding that he had already
paid more than he ought, avowed his unalterable determination to
'pull up' the cabman in the morning.

'Now, just mark this, young man,' said the little gentleman, 'I'll
pull you up to-morrow morning.'

'No! will you though?' said our friend, with a sneer.

'I will,' replied the little gentleman, 'mark my words, that's all.
If I live till to-morrow morning, you shall repent this.'

There was a steadiness of purpose, and indignation of speech, about
the little gentleman, as he took an angry pinch of snuff, after
this last declaration, which made a visible impression on the mind
of the red cab-driver.  He appeared to hesitate for an instant.  It
was only for an instant; his resolve was soon taken.

'You'll pull me up, will you?' said our friend.

'I will,' rejoined the little gentleman, with even greater
vehemence an before.

'Very well,' said our friend, tucking up his shirt sleeves very
calmly.  'There'll be three veeks for that.  Wery good; that'll
bring me up to the middle o' next month.  Three veeks more would
carry me on to my birthday, and then I've got ten pound to draw.  I
may as well get board, lodgin', and washin', till then, out of the
county, as pay for it myself; consequently here goes!'

So, without more ado, the red cab-driver knocked the little
gentleman down, and then called the police to take himself into
custody, with all the civility in the world.

A story is nothing without the sequel; and therefore, we may state,
that to our certain knowledge, the board, lodging, and washing were
all provided in due course.  We happen to know the fact, for it
came to our knowledge thus:  We went over the House of Correction
for the county of Middlesex shortly after, to witness the operation
of the silent system; and looked on all the 'wheels' with the
greatest anxiety, in search of our long-lost friend.  He was
nowhere to be seen, however, and we began to think that the little
gentleman in the green coat must have relented, when, as we were
traversing the kitchen-garden, which lies in a sequestered part of
the prison, we were startled by hearing a voice, which apparently
proceeded from the wall, pouring forth its soul in the plaintive
air of 'All round my hat,' which was then just beginning to form a
recognised portion of our national music.

We started. - 'What voice is that?' said we.  The Governor shook
his head.

'Sad fellow,' he replied, 'very sad.  He positively refused to work
on the wheel; so, after many trials, I was compelled to order him
into solitary confinement.  He says he likes it very much though,
and I am afraid he does, for he lies on his back on the floor, and
sings comic songs all day!'

Shall we add, that our heart had not deceived us and that the comic
singer was no other than our eagerly-sought friend, the red cab-
driver?

We have never seen him since, but we have strong reason to suspect
that this noble individual was a distant relative of a waterman of
our acquaintance, who, on one occasion, when we were passing the
coach-stand over which he presides, after standing very quietly to
see a tall man struggle into a cab, ran up very briskly when it was
all over (as his brethren invariably do), and, touching his hat,
asked, as a matter of course, for 'a copper for the waterman.'
Now, the fare was by no means a handsome man; and, waxing very
indignant at the demand, he replied - 'Money!  What for?  Coming up
and looking at me, I suppose!' - 'Vell, sir,' rejoined the
waterman, with a smile of immovable complacency, 'THAT'S worth
twopence.'

The identical waterman afterwards attained a very prominent station
in society; and as we know something of his life, and have often
thought of telling what we DO know, perhaps we shall never have a
better opportunity than the present.

Mr. William Barker, then, for that was the gentleman's name, Mr.
William Barker was born - but why need we relate where Mr. William
Barker was born, or when?  Why scrutinise the entries in parochial
ledgers, or seek to penetrate the Lucinian mysteries of lying-in
hospitals?  Mr. William Barker WAS born, or he had never been.
There is a son - there was a father.  There is an effect - there
was a cause.  Surely this is sufficient information for the most
Fatima-like curiosity; and, if it be not, we regret our inability
to supply any further evidence on the point.  Can there be a more
satisfactory, or more strictly parliamentary course?  Impossible.

We at once avow a similar inability to record at what precise
period, or by what particular process, this gentleman's patronymic,
of William Barker, became corrupted into 'Bill Boorker.' Mr. Barker
acquired a high standing, and no inconsiderable reputation, among
the members of that profession to which he more peculiarly devoted
his energies; and to them he was generally known, either by the
familiar appellation of 'Bill Boorker,' or the flattering
designation of 'Aggerawatin Bill,' the latter being a playful and
expressive SOBRIQUET, illustrative of Mr. Barker's great talent in
'aggerawatin' and rendering wild such subjects of her Majesty as
are conveyed from place to place, through the instrumentality of
omnibuses.  Of the early life of Mr. Barker little is known, and
even that little is involved in considerable doubt and obscurity.
A want of application, a restlessness of purpose, a thirsting after
porter, a love of all that is roving and cadger-like in nature,
shared in common with many other great geniuses, appear to have
been his leading characteristics.  The busy hum of a parochial
free-school, and the shady repose of a county gaol, were alike
inefficacious in producing the slightest alteration in Mr. Barker's
disposition.  His feverish attachment to change and variety nothing
could repress; his native daring no punishment could subdue.

If Mr. Barker can be fairly said to have had any weakness in his
earlier years, it was an amiable one - love; love in its most
comprehensive form - a love of ladies, liquids, and pocket-
handkerchiefs.  It was no selfish feeling; it was not confined to
his own possessions, which but too many men regard with exclusive
complacency.  No; it was a nobler love - a general principle.  It
extended itself with equal force to the property of other people.

There is something very affecting in this.  It is still more
affecting to know, that such philanthropy is but imperfectly
rewarded.  Bow-street, Newgate, and Millbank, are a poor return for
general benevolence, evincing itself in an irrepressible love for
all created objects.  Mr. Barker felt it so.  After a lengthened
interview with the highest legal authorities, he quitted his
ungrateful country, with the consent, and at the expense, of its
Government; proceeded to a distant shore; and there employed
himself, like another Cincinnatus, in clearing and cultivating the
soil - a peaceful pursuit, in which a term of seven years glided
almost imperceptibly away.

Whether, at the expiration of the period we have just mentioned,
the British Government required Mr. Barker's presence here, or did
not require his residence abroad, we have no distinct means of
ascertaining.  We should be inclined, however, to favour the latter
position, inasmuch as we do not find that he was advanced to any
other public post on his return, than the post at the corner of the
Haymarket, where he officiated as assistant-waterman to the
hackney-coach stand.  Seated, in this capacity, on a couple of tubs
near the curbstone, with a brass plate and number suspended round
his neck by a massive chain, and his ankles curiously enveloped in
haybands, he is supposed to have made those observations on human
nature which exercised so material an influence over all his
proceedings in later life.

Mr. Barker had not officiated for many months in this capacity,
when the appearance of the first omnibus caused the public mind to
go in a new direction, and prevented a great many hackney-coaches
from going in any direction at all.  The genius of Mr. Barker at
once perceived the whole extent of the injury that would be
eventually inflicted on cab and coach stands, and, by consequence,
on watermen also, by the progress of the system of which the first
omnibus was a part.  He saw, too, the necessity of adopting some
more profitable profession; and his active mind at once perceived
how much might be done in the way of enticing the youthful and
unwary, and shoving the old and helpless, into the wrong buss, and
carrying them off, until, reduced to despair, they ransomed
themselves by the payment of sixpence a-head, or, to adopt his own
figurative expression in all its native beauty, 'till they was
rig'larly done over, and forked out the stumpy.'

An opportunity for realising his fondest anticipations, soon
presented itself.  Rumours were rife on the hackney-coach stands,
that a buss was building, to run from Lisson-grove to the Bank,
down Oxford-street and Holborn; and the rapid increase of busses on
the Paddington-road, encouraged the idea.  Mr. Barker secretly and
cautiously inquired in the proper quarters.  The report was
correct; the 'Royal William' was to make its first journey on the
following Monday.  It was a crack affair altogether.  An
enterprising young cabman, of established reputation as a dashing
whip - for he had compromised with the parents of three scrunched
children, and just 'worked out' his fine for knocking down an old
lady - was the driver; and the spirited proprietor, knowing Mr.
Barker's qualifications, appointed him to the vacant office of cad
on the very first application.  The buss began to run, and Mr.
Barker entered into a new suit of clothes, and on a new sphere of
action.

To recapitulate all the improvements introduced by this
extraordinary man into the omnibus system - gradually, indeed, but
surely - would occupy a far greater space than we are enabled to
devote to this imperfect memoir.  To him is universally assigned
the original suggestion of the practice which afterwards became so
general - of the driver of a second buss keeping constantly behind
the first one, and driving the pole of his vehicle either into the
door of the other, every time it was opened, or through the body of
any lady or gentleman who might make an attempt to get into it; a
humorous and pleasant invention, exhibiting all that originality of
idea, and fine, bold flow of spirits, so conspicuous in every
action of this great man.

Mr. Barker had opponents of course; what man in public life has
not?  But even his worst enemies cannot deny that he has taken more
old ladies and gentlemen to Paddington who wanted to go to the
Bank, and more old ladies and gentlemen to the Bank who wanted to
go to Paddington, than any six men on the road; and however much
malevolent spirits may pretend to doubt the accuracy of the
statement, they well know it to be an established fact, that he has
forcibly conveyed a variety of ancient persons of either sex, to
both places, who had not the slightest or most distant intention of
going anywhere at all.

Mr. Barker was the identical cad who nobly distinguished himself,
some time since, by keeping a tradesman on the step - the omnibus
going at full speed all the time - till he had thrashed him to his
entire satisfaction, and finally throwing him away, when he had
quite done with him.  Mr. Barker it OUGHT to have been, who
honestly indignant at being ignominiously ejected from a house of
public entertainment, kicked the landlord in the knee, and thereby
caused his death.  We say it OUGHT to have been Mr. Barker, because
the action was not a common one, and could have emanated from no
ordinary mind.

It has now become matter of history; it is recorded in the Newgate
Calendar; and we wish we could attribute this piece of daring
heroism to Mr. Barker.  We regret being compelled to state that it
was not performed by him.  Would, for the family credit we could
add, that it was achieved by his brother!

It was in the exercise of the nicer details of his profession, that
Mr. Barker's knowledge of human nature was beautifully displayed.
He could tell at a glance where a passenger wanted to go to, and
would shout the name of the place accordingly, without the
slightest reference to the real destination of the vehicle.  He
knew exactly the kind of old lady that would be too much flurried
by the process of pushing in and pulling out of the caravan, to
discover where she had been put down, until too late; had an
intuitive perception of what was passing in a passenger's mind when
he inwardly resolved to 'pull that cad up to-morrow morning;' and
never failed to make himself agreeable to female servants, whom he
would place next the door, and talk to all the way.

Human judgment is never infallible, and it would occasionally
happen that Mr. Barker experimentalised with the timidity or
forbearance of the wrong person, in which case a summons to a
Police-office, was, on more than one occasion, followed by a
committal to prison.  It was not in the power of trifles such as
these, however, to subdue the freedom of his spirit.  As soon as
they passed away, he resumed the duties of his profession with
unabated ardour.

We have spoken of Mr. Barker and of the red cab-driver, in the past
tense.  Alas! Mr. Barker has again become an absentee; and the
class of men to which they both belonged is fast disappearing.
Improvement has peered beneath the aprons of our cabs, and
penetrated to the very innermost recesses of our omnibuses.  Dirt
and fustian will vanish before cleanliness and livery.  Slang will
be forgotten when civility becomes general:  and that enlightened,
eloquent, sage, and profound body, the Magistracy of London, will
be deprived of half their amusement, and half their occupation.



CHAPTER XVIII - A PARLIAMENTARY SKETCH



We hope our readers will not be alarmed at this rather ominous
title.  We assure them that we are not about to become political,
neither have we the slightest intention of being more prosy than
usual - if we can help it.  It has occurred to us that a slight
sketch of the general aspect of 'the House,' and the crowds that
resort to it on the night of an important debate, would be
productive of some amusement:  and as we have made some few calls
at the aforesaid house in our time - have visited it quite often
enough for our purpose, and a great deal too often for our personal
peace and comfort - we have determined to attempt the description.
Dismissing from our minds, therefore, all that feeling of awe,
which vague ideas of breaches of privilege, Serjeant-at-Arms, heavy
denunciations, and still heavier fees, are calculated to awaken, we
enter at once into the building, and upon our subject.

Half-past four o'clock - and at five the mover of the Address will
be 'on his legs,' as the newspapers announce sometimes by way of
novelty, as if speakers were occasionally in the habit of standing
on their heads.  The members are pouring in, one after the other,
in shoals.  The few spectators who can obtain standing-room in the
passages, scrutinise them as they pass, with the utmost interest,
and the man who can identify a member occasionally, becomes a
person of great importance.  Every now and then you hear earnest
whispers of 'That's Sir John Thomson.'  'Which? him with the gilt
order round his neck?'  'No, no; that's one of the messengers -
that other with the yellow gloves, is Sir John Thomson.'  'Here's
Mr. Smith.'  'Lor!'  'Yes, how d'ye do, sir? - (He is our new
member) - How do you do, sir?'  Mr. Smith stops:  turns round with
an air of enchanting urbanity (for the rumour of an intended
dissolution has been very extensively circulated this morning);
seizes both the hands of his gratified constituent, and, after
greeting him with the most enthusiastic warmth, darts into the
lobby with an extraordinary display of ardour in the public cause,
leaving an immense impression in his favour on the mind of his
'fellow-townsman.'

The arrivals increase in number, and the heat and noise increase in
very unpleasant proportion.  The livery servants form a complete
lane on either side of the passage, and you reduce yourself into
the smallest possible space to avoid being turned out.  You see
that stout man with the hoarse voice, in the blue coat, queer-
crowned, broad-brimmed hat, white corduroy breeches, and great
boots, who has been talking incessantly for half an hour past, and
whose importance has occasioned no small quantity of mirth among
the strangers.  That is the great conservator of the peace of
Westminster.  You cannot fail to have remarked the grace with which
he saluted the noble Lord who passed just now, or the excessive
dignity of his air, as he expostulates with the crowd.  He is
rather out of temper now, in consequence of the very irreverent
behaviour of those two young fellows behind him, who have done
nothing but laugh all the time they have been here.

'Will they divide to-night, do you think, Mr. -' timidly inquires a
little thin man in the crowd, hoping to conciliate the man of
office.

'How CAN you ask such questions, sir?' replies the functionary, in
an incredibly loud key, and pettishly grasping the thick stick he
carries in his right hand.  'Pray do not, sir.  I beg of you; pray
do not, sir.'  The little man looks remarkably out of his element,
and the uninitiated part of the throng are in positive convulsions
of laughter.

Just at this moment some unfortunate individual appears, with a
very smirking air, at the bottom of the long passage.  He has
managed to elude the vigilance of the special constable downstairs,
and is evidently congratulating himself on having made his way so
far.

'Go back, sir - you must NOT come here,' shouts the hoarse one,
with tremendous emphasis of voice and gesture, the moment the
offender catches his eye.

The stranger pauses.

'Do you hear, sir - will you go back?' continues the official
dignitary, gently pushing the intruder some half-dozen yards.

'Come, don't push me,' replies the stranger, turning angrily round.

'I will, sir.'

'You won't, sir.'

'Go out, sir.'

'Take your hands off me, sir.'

'Go out of the passage, sir.'

'You're a Jack-in-office, sir.'

'A what?' ejaculates he of the boots.

'A Jack-in-office, sir, and a very insolent fellow,' reiterates the
stranger, now completely in a passion.

'Pray do not force me to put you out, sir,' retorts the other -
'pray do not - my instructions are to keep this passage clear -
it's the Speaker's orders, sir.'

'D-n the Speaker, sir!' shouts the intruder.

'Here, Wilson! - Collins!' gasps the officer, actually paralysed at
this insulting expression, which in his mind is all but high
treason; 'take this man out - take him out, I say!  How dare you,
sir?' and down goes the unfortunate man five stairs at a time,
turning round at every stoppage, to come back again, and denouncing
bitter vengeance against the commander-in-chief, and all his
supernumeraries.

'Make way, gentlemen, - pray make way for the Members, I beg of
you!' shouts the zealous officer, turning back, and preceding a
whole string of the liberal and independent.

You see this ferocious-looking gentleman, with a complexion almost
as sallow as his linen, and whose large black moustache would give
him the appearance of a figure in a hairdresser's window, if his
countenance possessed the thought which is communicated to those
waxen caricatures of the human face divine.  He is a militia-
officer, and the most amusing person in the House.  Can anything be
more exquisitely absurd than the burlesque grandeur of his air, as
he strides up to the lobby, his eyes rolling like those of a Turk's
head in a cheap Dutch clock?  He never appears without that bundle
of dirty papers which he carries under his left arm, and which are
generally supposed to be the miscellaneous estimates for 1804, or
some equally important documents.  He is very punctual in his
attendance at the House, and his self-satisfied 'He-ar-He-ar,' is
not unfrequently the signal for a general titter.

This is the gentleman who once actually sent a messenger up to the
Strangers' gallery in the old House of Commons, to inquire the name
of an individual who was using an eye-glass, in order that he might
complain to the Speaker that the person in question was quizzing
him!  On another occasion, he is reported to have repaired to
Bellamy's kitchen - a refreshment-room, where persons who are not
Members are admitted on sufferance, as it were - and perceiving two
or three gentlemen at supper, who, he was aware, were not Members,
and could not, in that place, very well resent his behaviour, he
indulged in the pleasantry of sitting with his booted leg on the
table at which they were supping!  He is generally harmless,
though, and always amusing.

By dint of patience, and some little interest with our friend the
constable, we have contrived to make our way to the Lobby, and you
can just manage to catch an occasional glimpse of the House, as the
door is opened for the admission of Members.  It is tolerably full
already, and little groups of Members are congregated together
here, discussing the interesting topics of the day.

That smart-looking fellow in the black coat with velvet facings and
cuffs, who wears his D'ORSAY hat so rakishly, is 'Honest Tom,' a
metropolitan representative; and the large man in the cloak with
the white lining - not the man by the pillar; the other with the
light hair hanging over his coat collar behind - is his colleague.
The quiet gentlemanly-looking man in the blue surtout, gray
trousers, white neckerchief and gloves, whose closely-buttoned coat
displays his manly figure and broad chest to great advantage, is a
very well-known character.  He has fought a great many battles in
his time, and conquered like the heroes of old, with no other arms
than those the gods gave him.  The old hard-featured man who is
standing near him, is really a good specimen of a class of men, now
nearly extinct.  He is a county Member, and has been from time
whereof the memory of man is not to the contrary.  Look at his
loose, wide, brown coat, with capacious pockets on each side; the
knee-breeches and boots, the immensely long waistcoat, and silver
watch-chain dangling below it, the wide-brimmed brown hat, and the
white handkerchief tied in a great bow, with straggling ends
sticking out beyond his shirt-frill.  It is a costume one seldom
sees nowadays, and when the few who wear it have died off, it will
be quite extinct.  He can tell you long stories of Fox, Pitt,
Sheridan, and Canning, and how much better the House was managed in
those times, when they used to get up at eight or nine o'clock,
except on regular field-days, of which everybody was apprised
beforehand.  He has a great contempt for all young Members of
Parliament, and thinks it quite impossible that a man can say
anything worth hearing, unless he has sat in the House for fifteen
years at least, without saying anything at all.  He is of opinion
that 'that young Macaulay' was a regular impostor; he allows, that
Lord Stanley may do something one of these days, but 'he's too
young, sir - too young.'  He is an excellent authority on points of
precedent, and when he grows talkative, after his wine, will tell
you how Sir Somebody Something, when he was whipper-in for the
Government, brought four men out of their beds to vote in the
majority, three of whom died on their way home again; how the House
once divided on the question, that fresh candles be now brought in;
how the Speaker was once upon a time left in the chair by accident,
at the conclusion of business, and was obliged to sit in the House
by himself for three hours, till some Member could be knocked up
and brought back again, to move the adjournment; and a great many
other anecdotes of a similar description.

There he stands, leaning on his stick; looking at the throng of
Exquisites around him with most profound contempt; and conjuring
up, before his mind's eye, the scenes he beheld in the old House,
in days gone by, when his own feelings were fresher and brighter,
and when, as he imagines, wit, talent, and patriotism flourished
more brightly too.

You are curious to know who that young man in the rough great-coat
is, who has accosted every Member who has entered the House since
we have been standing here.  He is not a Member; he is only an
'hereditary bondsman,' or, in other words, an Irish correspondent
of an Irish newspaper, who has just procured his forty-second frank
from a Member whom he never saw in his life before.  There he goes
again - another!  Bless the man, he has his hat and pockets full
already.

We will try our fortune at the Strangers' gallery, though the
nature of the debate encourages very little hope of success.  What
on earth are you about?  Holding up your order as if it were a
talisman at whose command the wicket would fly open?  Nonsense.
Just preserve the order for an autograph, if it be worth keeping at
all, and make your appearance at the door with your thumb and
forefinger expressively inserted in your waistcoat-pocket.  This
tall stout man in black is the door-keeper.  'Any room?'  'Not an
inch - two or three dozen gentlemen waiting down-stairs on the
chance of somebody's going out.'  Pull out your purse - 'Are you
QUITE sure there's no room?' - 'I'll go and look,' replies the
door-keeper, with a wistful glance at your purse, 'but I'm afraid
there's not.'  He returns, and with real feeling assures you that
it is morally impossible to get near the gallery.  It is of no use
waiting.  When you are refused admission into the Strangers'
gallery at the House of Commons, under such circumstances, you may
return home thoroughly satisfied that the place must be remarkably
full indeed. (1)

Retracing our steps through the long passage, descending the
stairs, and crossing Palace-yard, we halt at a small temporary
doorway adjoining the King's entrance to the House of Lords.  The
order of the serjeant-at-arms will admit you into the Reporters'
gallery, from whence you can obtain a tolerably good view of the
House.  Take care of the stairs, they are none of the best; through
this little wicket - there.  As soon as your eyes become a little
used to the mist of the place, and the glare of the chandeliers
below you, you will see that some unimportant personage on the
Ministerial side of the House (to your right hand) is speaking,
amidst a hum of voices and confusion which would rival Babel, but
for the circumstance of its being all in one language.

The 'hear, hear,' which occasioned that laugh, proceeded from our
warlike friend with the moustache; he is sitting on the back seat
against the wall, behind the Member who is speaking, looking as
ferocious and intellectual as usual.  Take one look around you, and
retire!  The body of the House and the side galleries are full of
Members; some, with their legs on the back of the opposite seat;
some, with theirs stretched out to their utmost length on the
floor; some going out, others coming in; all talking, laughing,
lounging, coughing, oh-ing, questioning, or groaning; presenting a
conglomeration of noise and confusion, to be met with in no other
place in existence, not even excepting Smithfield on a market-day,
or a cock-pit in its glory.

But let us not omit to notice Bellamy's kitchen, or, in other
words, the refreshment-room, common to both Houses of Parliament,
where Ministerialists and Oppositionists, Whigs and Tories,
Radicals, Peers, and Destructives, strangers from the gallery, and
the more favoured strangers from below the bar, are alike at
liberty to resort; where divers honourable members prove their
perfect independence by remaining during the whole of a heavy
debate, solacing themselves with the creature comforts; and whence
they are summoned by whippers-in, when the House is on the point of
dividing; either to give their 'conscientious votes' on questions
of which they are conscientiously innocent of knowing anything
whatever, or to find a vent for the playful exuberance of their
wine-inspired fancies, in boisterous shouts of 'Divide,'
occasionally varied with a little howling, barking, crowing, or
other ebullitions of senatorial pleasantry.

When you have ascended the narrow staircase which, in the present
temporary House of Commons, leads to the place we are describing,
you will probably observe a couple of rooms on your right hand,
with tables spread for dining.  Neither of these is the kitchen,
although they are both devoted to the same purpose; the kitchen is
further on to our left, up these half-dozen stairs.  Before we
ascend the staircase, however, we must request you to pause in
front of this little bar-place with the sash-windows; and beg your
particular attention to the steady, honest-looking old fellow in
black, who is its sole occupant.  Nicholas (we do not mind
mentioning the old fellow's name, for if Nicholas be not a public
man, who is? - and public men's names are public property) -
Nicholas is the butler of Bellamy's, and has held the same place,
dressed exactly in the same manner, and said precisely the same
things, ever since the oldest of its present visitors can remember.
An excellent servant Nicholas is - an unrivalled compounder of
salad-dressing - an admirable preparer of soda-water and lemon - a
special mixer of cold grog and punch - and, above all, an
unequalled judge of cheese.  If the old man have such a thing as
vanity in his composition, this is certainly his pride; and if it
be possible to imagine that anything in this world could disturb
his impenetrable calmness, we should say it would be the doubting
his judgment on this important point.

We needn't tell you all this, however, for if you have an atom of
observation, one glance at his sleek, knowing-looking head and face
- his prim white neckerchief, with the wooden tie into which it has
been regularly folded for twenty years past, merging by
imperceptible degrees into a small-plaited shirt-frill - and his
comfortable-looking form encased in a well-brushed suit of black -
would give you a better idea of his real character than a column of
our poor description could convey.

Nicholas is rather out of his element now; he cannot see the
kitchen as he used to in the old House; there, one window of his
glass-case opened into the room, and then, for the edification and
behoof of more juvenile questioners, he would stand for an hour
together, answering deferential questions about Sheridan, and
Percival, and Castlereagh, and Heaven knows who beside, with
manifest delight, always inserting a 'Mister' before every
commoner's name.

Nicholas, like all men of his age and standing, has a great idea of
the degeneracy of the times.  He seldom expresses any political
opinions, but we managed to ascertain, just before the passing of
the Reform Bill, that Nicholas was a thorough Reformer.  What was
our astonishment to discover shortly after the meeting of the first
reformed Parliament, that he was a most inveterate and decided
Tory!  It was very odd:  some men change their opinions from
necessity, others from expediency, others from inspiration; but
that Nicholas should undergo any change in any respect, was an
event we had never contemplated, and should have considered
impossible.  His strong opinion against the clause which empowered
the metropolitan districts to return Members to Parliament, too,
was perfectly unaccountable.

We discovered the secret at last; the metropolitan Members always
dined at home.  The rascals!  As for giving additional Members to
Ireland, it was even worse - decidedly unconstitutional.  Why, sir,
an Irish Member would go up there, and eat more dinner than three
English Members put together.  He took no wine; drank table-beer by
the half-gallon; and went home to Manchester-buildings, or
Millbank-street, for his whiskey-and-water.  And what was the
consequence?  Why, the concern lost - actually lost, sir - by his
patronage.  A queer old fellow is Nicholas, and as completely a
part of the building as the house itself.  We wonder he ever left
the old place, and fully expected to see in the papers, the morning
after the fire, a pathetic account of an old gentleman in black, of
decent appearance, who was seen at one of the upper windows when
the flames were at their height, and declared his resolute
intention of falling with the floor.  He must have been got out by
force.  However, he was got out - here he is again, looking as he
always does, as if he had been in a bandbox ever since the last
session.  There he is, at his old post every night, just as we have
described him:  and, as characters are scarce, and faithful
servants scarcer, long may he be there, say we!

Now, when you have taken your seat in the kitchen, and duly noticed
the large fire and roasting-jack at one end of the room - the
little table for washing glasses and draining jugs at the other -
the clock over the window opposite St. Margaret's Church - the deal
tables and wax candles - the damask table-cloths and bare floor -
the plate and china on the tables, and the gridiron on the fire;
and a few other anomalies peculiar to the place - we will point out
to your notice two or three of the people present, whose station or
absurdities render them the most worthy of remark.

It is half-past twelve o'clock, and as the division is not expected
for an hour or two, a few Members are lounging away the time here
in preference to standing at the bar of the House, or sleeping in
one of the side galleries.  That singularly awkward and ungainly-
looking man, in the brownish-white hat, with the straggling black
trousers which reach about half-way down the leg of his boots, who
is leaning against the meat-screen, apparently deluding himself
into the belief that he is thinking about something, is a splendid
sample of a Member of the House of Commons concentrating in his own
person the wisdom of a constituency.  Observe the wig, of a dark
hue but indescribable colour, for if it be naturally brown, it has
acquired a black tint by long service, and if it be naturally
black, the same cause has imparted to it a tinge of rusty brown;
and remark how very materially the great blinker-like spectacles
assist the expression of that most intelligent face.  Seriously
speaking, did you ever see a countenance so expressive of the most
hopeless extreme of heavy dulness, or behold a form so strangely
put together?  He is no great speaker:  but when he DOES address
the House, the effect is absolutely irresistible.

The small gentleman with the sharp nose, who has just saluted him,
is a Member of Parliament, an ex-Alderman, and a sort of amateur
fireman.  He, and the celebrated fireman's dog, were observed to be
remarkably active at the conflagration of the two Houses of
Parliament - they both ran up and down, and in and out, getting
under people's feet, and into everybody's way, fully impressed with
the belief that they were doing a great deal of good, and barking
tremendously.  The dog went quietly back to his kennel with the
engine, but the gentleman kept up such an incessant noise for some
weeks after the occurrence, that he became a positive nuisance.  As
no more parliamentary fires have occurred, however, and as he has
consequently had no more opportunities of writing to the newspapers
to relate how, by way of preserving pictures he cut them out of
their frames, and performed other great national services, he has
gradually relapsed into his old state of calmness.

That female in black - not the one whom the Lord's-Day-Bill Baronet
has just chucked under the chin; the shorter of the two - is
'Jane:' the Hebe of Bellamy's.  Jane is as great a character as
Nicholas, in her way.  Her leading features are a thorough contempt
for the great majority of her visitors; her predominant quality,
love of admiration, as you cannot fail to observe, if you mark the
glee with which she listens to something the young Member near her
mutters somewhat unintelligibly in her ear (for his speech is
rather thick from some cause or other), and how playfully she digs
the handle of a fork into the arm with which he detains her, by way
of reply.

Jane is no bad hand at repartees, and showers them about, with a
degree of liberality and total absence of reserve or constraint,
which occasionally excites no small amazement in the minds of
strangers.  She cuts jokes with Nicholas, too, but looks up to him
with a great deal of respect - the immovable stolidity with which
Nicholas receives the aforesaid jokes, and looks on, at certain
pastoral friskings and rompings (Jane's only recreations, and they
are very innocent too) which occasionally take place in the
passage, is not the least amusing part of his character.

The two persons who are seated at the table in the corner, at the
farther end of the room, have been constant guests here, for many
years past; and one of them has feasted within these walls, many a
time, with the most brilliant characters of a brilliant period.  He
has gone up to the other House since then; the greater part of his
boon companions have shared Yorick's fate, and his visits to
Bellamy's are comparatively few.

If he really be eating his supper now, at what hour can he possibly
have dined!  A second solid mass of rump-steak has disappeared, and
he eat the first in four minutes and three quarters, by the clock
over the window.  Was there ever such a personification of
Falstaff!  Mark the air with which he gloats over that Stilton, as
he removes the napkin which has been placed beneath his chin to
catch the superfluous gravy of the steak, and with what gusto he
imbibes the porter which has been fetched, expressly for him, in
the pewter pot.  Listen to the hoarse sound of that voice, kept
down as it is by layers of solids, and deep draughts of rich wine,
and tell us if you ever saw such a perfect picture of a regular
GOURMAND; and whether he is not exactly the man whom you would
pitch upon as having been the partner of Sheridan's parliamentary
carouses, the volunteer driver of the hackney-coach that took him
home, and the involuntary upsetter of the whole party?

What an amusing contrast between his voice and appearance, and that
of the spare, squeaking old man, who sits at the same table, and
who, elevating a little cracked bantam sort of voice to its highest
pitch, invokes damnation upon his own eyes or somebody else's at
the commencement of every sentence he utters.  'The Captain,' as
they call him, is a very old frequenter of Bellamy's; much addicted
to stopping 'after the House is up' (an inexpiable crime in Jane's
eyes), and a complete walking reservoir of spirits and water.

The old Peer - or rather, the old man - for his peerage is of
comparatively recent date - has a huge tumbler of hot punch brought
him; and the other damns and drinks, and drinks and damns, and
smokes.  Members arrive every moment in a great bustle to report
that 'The Chancellor of the Exchequer's up,' and to get glasses of
brandy-and-water to sustain them during the division; people who
have ordered supper, countermand it, and prepare to go down-stairs,
when suddenly a bell is heard to ring with tremendous violence, and
a cry of 'Di-vi-sion!' is heard in the passage.  This is enough;
away rush the members pell-mell.  The room is cleared in an
instant; the noise rapidly dies away; you hear the creaking of the
last boot on the last stair, and are left alone with the leviathan
of rump-steaks.



CHAPTER XIX - PUBLIC DINNERS



All public dinners in London, from the Lord Mayor's annual banquet
at Guildhall, to the Chimney-sweepers' anniversary at White Conduit
House; from the Goldsmiths' to the Butchers', from the Sheriffs' to
the Licensed Victuallers'; are amusing scenes.  Of all
entertainments of this description, however, we think the annual
dinner of some public charity is the most amusing.  At a Company's
dinner, the people are nearly all alike - regular old stagers, who
make it a matter of business, and a thing not to be laughed at.  At
a political dinner, everybody is disagreeable, and inclined to
speechify - much the same thing, by-the-bye; but at a charity
dinner you see people of all sorts, kinds, and descriptions.  The
wine may not be remarkably special, to be sure, and we have heard
some hardhearted monsters grumble at the collection; but we really
think the amusement to be derived from the occasion, sufficient to
counterbalance even these disadvantages.

Let us suppose you are induced to attend a dinner of this
description - 'Indigent Orphans' Friends' Benevolent Institution,'
we think it is.  The name of the charity is a line or two longer,
but never mind the rest.  You have a distinct recollection,
however, that you purchased a ticket at the solicitation of some
charitable friend:  and you deposit yourself in a hackney-coach,
the driver of which - no doubt that you may do the thing in style -
turns a deaf ear to your earnest entreaties to be set down at the
corner of Great Queen-street, and persists in carrying you to the
very door of the Freemasons', round which a crowd of people are
assembled to witness the entrance of the indigent orphans' friends.
You hear great speculations as you pay the fare, on the possibility
of your being the noble Lord who is announced to fill the chair on
the occasion, and are highly gratified to hear it eventually
decided that you are only a 'wocalist.'

The first thing that strikes you, on your entrance, is the
astonishing importance of the committee.  You observe a door on the
first landing, carefully guarded by two waiters, in and out of
which stout gentlemen with very red faces keep running, with a
degree of speed highly unbecoming the gravity of persons of their
years and corpulency.  You pause, quite alarmed at the bustle, and
thinking, in your innocence, that two or three people must have
been carried out of the dining-room in fits, at least.  You are
immediately undeceived by the waiter - 'Up-stairs, if you please,
sir; this is the committee-room.'  Up-stairs you go, accordingly;
wondering, as you mount, what the duties of the committee can be,
and whether they ever do anything beyond confusing each other, and
running over the waiters.

Having deposited your hat and cloak, and received a remarkably
small scrap of pasteboard in exchange (which, as a matter of
course, you lose, before you require it again), you enter the hall,
down which there are three long tables for the less distinguished
guests, with a cross table on a raised platform at the upper end
for the reception of the very particular friends of the indigent
orphans.  Being fortunate enough to find a plate without anybody's
card in it, you wisely seat yourself at once, and have a little
leisure to look about you.  Waiters, with wine-baskets in their
hands, are placing decanters of sherry down the tables, at very
respectable distances; melancholy-looking salt-cellars, and decayed
vinegar-cruets, which might have belonged to the parents of the
indigent orphans in their time, are scattered at distant intervals
on the cloth; and the knives and forks look as if they had done
duty at every public dinner in London since the accession of George
the First.  The musicians are scraping and grating and screwing
tremendously - playing no notes but notes of preparation; and
several gentlemen are gliding along the sides of the tables,
looking into plate after plate with frantic eagerness, the
expression of their countenances growing more and more dismal as
they meet with everybody's card but their own.

You turn round to take a look at the table behind you, and - not
being in the habit of attending public dinners - are somewhat
struck by the appearance of the party on which your eyes rest.  One
of its principal members appears to be a little man, with a long
and rather inflamed face, and gray hair brushed bolt upright in
front; he wears a wisp of black silk round his neck, without any
stiffener, as an apology for a neckerchief, and is addressed by his
companions by the familiar appellation of 'Fitz,' or some such
monosyllable.  Near him is a stout man in a white neckerchief and
buff waistcoat, with shining dark hair, cut very short in front,
and a great, round, healthy-looking face, on which he studiously
preserves a half sentimental simper.  Next him, again, is a large-
headed man, with black hair and bushy whiskers; and opposite them
are two or three others, one of whom is a little round-faced
person, in a dress-stock and blue under-waistcoat.  There is
something peculiar in their air and manner, though you could hardly
describe what it is; you cannot divest yourself of the idea that
they have come for some other purpose than mere eating and
drinking.  You have no time to debate the matter, however, for the
waiters (who have been arranged in lines down the room, placing the
dishes on table) retire to the lower end; the dark man in the blue
coat and bright buttons, who has the direction of the music, looks
up to the gallery, and calls out 'band' in a very loud voice; out
burst the orchestra, up rise the visitors, in march fourteen
stewards, each with a long wand in his hand, like the evil genius
in a pantomime; then the chairman, then the titled visitors; they
all make their way up the room, as fast as they can, bowing, and
smiling, and smirking, and looking remarkably amiable.  The
applause ceases, grace is said, the clatter of plates and dishes
begins; and every one appears highly gratified, either with the
presence of the distinguished visitors, or the commencement of the
anxiously-expected dinner.

As to the dinner itself - the mere dinner - it goes off much the
same everywhere.  Tureens of soup are emptied with awful rapidity -
waiters take plates of turbot away, to get lobster-sauce, and bring
back plates of lobster-sauce without turbot; people who can carve
poultry, are great fools if they own it, and people who can't have
no wish to learn.  The knives and forks form a pleasing
accompaniment to Auber's music, and Auber's music would form a
pleasing accompaniment to the dinner, if you could hear anything
besides the cymbals.  The substantials disappear - moulds of jelly
vanish like lightning - hearty eaters wipe their foreheads, and
appear rather overcome by their recent exertions - people who have
looked very cross hitherto, become remarkably bland, and ask you to
take wine in the most friendly manner possible - old gentlemen
direct your attention to the ladies' gallery, and take great pains
to impress you with the fact that the charity is always peculiarly
favoured in this respect - every one appears disposed to become
talkative - and the hum of conversation is loud and general.

'Pray, silence, gentlemen, if you please, for NON NOBIS!' shouts
the toast-master with stentorian lungs - a toast-master's shirt-
front, waistcoat, and neckerchief, by-the-bye, always exhibit three
distinct shades of cloudy-white. - 'Pray, silence, gentlemen, for
NON NOBIS!'  The singers, whom you discover to be no other than the
very party that excited your curiosity at first, after 'pitching'
their voices immediately begin TOO-TOOing most dismally, on which
the regular old stagers burst into occasional cries of - 'Sh - Sh -
waiters! - Silence, waiters - stand still, waiters - keep back,
waiters,' and other exorcisms, delivered in a tone of indignant
remonstrance.  The grace is soon concluded, and the company resume
their seats.  The uninitiated portion of the guests applaud NON
NOBIS as vehemently as if it were a capital comic song, greatly to
the scandal and indignation of the regular diners, who immediately
attempt to quell this sacrilegious approbation, by cries of 'Hush,
hush!' whereupon the others, mistaking these sounds for hisses,
applaud more tumultuously than before, and, by way of placing their
approval beyond the possibility of doubt, shout 'ENCORE!' most
vociferously.

The moment the noise ceases, up starts the toast-master:-
'Gentlemen, charge your glasses, if you please!'  Decanters having
been handed about, and glasses filled, the toast-master proceeds,
in a regular ascending scale:- 'Gentlemen - AIR - you - all
charged?  Pray - silence - gentlemen - for - the cha-i-r!'  The
chairman rises, and, after stating that he feels it quite
unnecessary to preface the toast he is about to propose, with any
observations whatever, wanders into a maze of sentences, and
flounders about in the most extraordinary manner, presenting a
lamentable spectacle of mystified humanity, until he arrives at the
words, 'constitutional sovereign of these realms,' at which elderly
gentlemen exclaim 'Bravo!' and hammer the table tremendously with
their knife-handles.  'Under any circumstances, it would give him
the greatest pride, it would give him the greatest pleasure - he
might almost say, it would afford him satisfaction [cheers] to
propose that toast.  What must be his feelings, then, when he has
the gratification of announcing, that he has received her Majesty's
commands to apply to the Treasurer of her Majesty's Household, for
her Majesty's annual donation of 25L. in aid of the funds of this
charity!'  This announcement (which has been regularly made by
every chairman, since the first foundation of the charity, forty-
two years ago) calls forth the most vociferous applause; the toast
is drunk with a great deal of cheering and knocking; and 'God save
the Queen' is sung by the 'professional gentlemen;' the
unprofessional gentlemen joining in the chorus, and giving the
national anthem an effect which the newspapers, with great justice,
describe as 'perfectly electrical.'

The other 'loyal and patriotic' toasts having been drunk with all
due enthusiasm, a comic song having been well sung by the gentleman
with the small neckerchief, and a sentimental one by the second of
the party, we come to the most important toast of the evening -
'Prosperity to the charity.'  Here again we are compelled to adopt
newspaper phraseology, and to express our regret at being
'precluded from giving even the substance of the noble lord's
observations.'  Suffice it to say, that the speech, which is
somewhat of the longest, is rapturously received; and the toast
having been drunk, the stewards (looking more important than ever)
leave the room, and presently return, heading a procession of
indigent orphans, boys and girls, who walk round the room,
curtseying, and bowing, and treading on each other's heels, and
looking very much as if they would like a glass of wine apiece, to
the high gratification of the company generally, and especially of
the lady patronesses in the gallery.  EXEUNT children, and re-enter
stewards, each with a blue plate in his hand.  The band plays a
lively air; the majority of the company put their hands in their
pockets and look rather serious; and the noise of sovereigns,
rattling on crockery, is heard from all parts of the room.

After a short interval, occupied in singing and toasting, the
secretary puts on his spectacles, and proceeds to read the report
and list of subscriptions, the latter being listened to with great
attention.  'Mr. Smith, one guinea - Mr. Tompkins, one guinea - Mr.
Wilson, one guinea - Mr. Hickson, one guinea - Mr.  Nixon, one
guinea - Mr. Charles Nixon, one guinea - [hear, hear!] - Mr. James
Nixon, one guinea - Mr. Thomas Nixon, one pound one [tremendous
applause].  Lord Fitz Binkle, the chairman of the day, in addition
to an annual donation of fifteen pounds - thirty guineas [prolonged
knocking:  several gentlemen knock the stems off their wine-
glasses, in the vehemence of their approbation].  Lady, Fitz
Binkle, in addition to an annual donation of ten pound - twenty
pound' [protracted knocking and shouts of 'Bravo!']  The list being
at length concluded, the chairman rises, and proposes the health of
the secretary, than whom he knows no more zealous or estimable
individual.  The secretary, in returning thanks, observes that HE
knows no more excellent individual than the chairman - except the
senior officer of the charity, whose health HE begs to propose.
The senior officer, in returning thanks, observes that HE knows no
more worthy man than the secretary - except Mr. Walker, the
auditor, whose health HE begs to propose.  Mr. Walker, in returning
thanks, discovers some other estimable individual, to whom alone
the senior officer is inferior - and so they go on toasting and
lauding and thanking:  the only other toast of importance being
'The Lady Patronesses now present!' on which all the gentlemen turn
their faces towards the ladies' gallery, shouting tremendously; and
little priggish men, who have imbibed more wine than usual, kiss
their hands and exhibit distressing contortions of visage.

We have protracted our dinner to so great a length, that we have
hardly time to add one word by way of grace.  We can only entreat
our readers not to imagine, because we have attempted to extract
some amusement from a charity dinner, that we are at all disposed
to underrate, either the excellence of the benevolent institutions
with which London abounds, or the estimable motives of those who
support them.



CHAPTER XX - THE FIRST OF MAY



'Now ladies, up in the sky-parlour:  only once a year, if you
please!'
YOUNG LADY WITH BRASS LADLE.

'Sweep - sweep - sw-e-ep!'
ILLEGAL WATCHWORD.


The first of May!  There is a merry freshness in the sound, calling
to our minds a thousand thoughts of all that is pleasant in nature
and beautiful in her most delightful form.  What man is there, over
whose mind a bright spring morning does not exercise a magic
influence - carrying him back to the days of his childish sports,
and conjuring up before him the old green field with its gently-
waving trees, where the birds sang as he has never heard them since
- where the butterfly fluttered far more gaily than he ever sees
him now, in all his ramblings - where the sky seemed bluer, and the
sun shone more brightly - where the air blew more freshly over
greener grass, and sweeter-smelling flowers - where everything wore
a richer and more brilliant hue than it is ever dressed in now!
Such are the deep feelings of childhood, and such are the
impressions which every lovely object stamps upon its heart!  The
hardy traveller wanders through the maze of thick and pathless
woods, where the sun's rays never shone, and heaven's pure air
never played; he stands on the brink of the roaring waterfall, and,
giddy and bewildered, watches the foaming mass as it leaps from
stone to stone, and from crag to crag; he lingers in the fertile
plains of a land of perpetual sunshine, and revels in the luxury of
their balmy breath.  But what are the deep forests, or the
thundering waters, or the richest landscapes that bounteous nature
ever spread, to charm the eyes, and captivate the senses of man,
compared with the recollection of the old scenes of his early
youth?  Magic scenes indeed; for the fancies of childhood dressed
them in colours brighter than the rainbow, and almost as fleeting!

In former times, spring brought with it not only such associations
as these, connected with the past, but sports and games for the
present - merry dances round rustic pillars, adorned with emblems
of the season, and reared in honour of its coming.  Where are they
now!  Pillars we have, but they are no longer rustic ones; and as
to dancers, they are used to rooms, and lights, and would not show
well in the open air.  Think of the immorality, too!  What would
your sabbath enthusiasts say, to an aristocratic ring encircling
the Duke of York's column in Carlton-terrace - a grand POUSSETTE of
the middle classes, round Alderman Waithman's monument in Fleet-
street, - or a general hands-four-round of ten-pound householders,
at the foot of the Obelisk in St. George's-fields?  Alas! romance
can make no head against the riot act; and pastoral simplicity is
not understood by the police.

Well; many years ago we began to be a steady and matter-of-fact
sort of people, and dancing in spring being beneath our dignity, we
gave it up, and in course of time it descended to the sweeps - a
fall certainly, because, though sweeps are very good fellows in
their way, and moreover very useful in a civilised community, they
are not exactly the sort of people to give the tone to the little
elegances of society.  The sweeps, however, got the dancing to
themselves, and they kept it up, and handed it down.  This was a
severe blow to the romance of spring-time, but, it did not entirely
destroy it, either; for a portion of it descended to the sweeps
with the dancing, and rendered them objects of great interest.  A
mystery hung over the sweeps in those days.  Legends were in
existence of wealthy gentlemen who had lost children, and who,
after many years of sorrow and suffering, had found them in the
character of sweeps.  Stories were related of a young boy who,
having been stolen from his parents in his infancy, and devoted to
the occupation of chimney-sweeping, was sent, in the course of his
professional career, to sweep the chimney of his mother's bedroom;
and how, being hot and tired when he came out of the chimney, he
got into the bed he had so often slept in as an infant, and was
discovered and recognised therein by his mother, who once every
year of her life, thereafter, requested the pleasure of the company
of every London sweep, at half-past one o'clock, to roast beef,
plum-pudding, porter, and sixpence.

Such stories as these, and there were many such, threw an air of
mystery round the sweeps, and produced for them some of those good
effects which animals derive from the doctrine of the
transmigration of souls.  No one (except the masters) thought of
ill-treating a sweep, because no one knew who he might be, or what
nobleman's or gentleman's son he might turn out.  Chimney-sweeping
was, by many believers in the marvellous, considered as a sort of
probationary term, at an earlier or later period of which, divers
young noblemen were to come into possession of their rank and
titles:  and the profession was held by them in great respect
accordingly.

We remember, in our young days, a little sweep about our own age,
with curly hair and white teeth, whom we devoutly and sincerely
believed to be the lost son and heir of some illustrious personage
- an impression which was resolved into an unchangeable conviction
on our infant mind, by the subject of our speculations informing
us, one day, in reply to our question, propounded a few moments
before his ascent to the summit of the kitchen chimney, 'that he
believed he'd been born in the vurkis, but he'd never know'd his
father.'  We felt certain, from that time forth, that he would one
day be owned by a lord:  and we never heard the church-bells ring,
or saw a flag hoisted in the neighbourhood, without thinking that
the happy event had at last occurred, and that his long-lost parent
had arrived in a coach and six, to take him home to Grosvenor-
square.  He never came, however; and, at the present moment, the
young gentleman in question is settled down as a master sweep in
the neighbourhood of Battle-bridge, his distinguishing
characteristics being a decided antipathy to washing himself, and
the possession of a pair of legs very inadequate to the support of
his unwieldy and corpulent body.

The romance of spring having gone out before our time, we were fain
to console ourselves as we best could with the uncertainty that
enveloped the birth and parentage of its attendant dancers, the
sweeps; and we DID console ourselves with it, for many years.  But,
even this wicked source of comfort received a shock from which it
has never recovered - a shock which has been in reality its death-
blow.  We could not disguise from ourselves the fact that whole
families of sweeps were regularly born of sweeps, in the rural
districts of Somers Town and Camden Town - that the eldest son
succeeded to the father's business, that the other branches
assisted him therein, and commenced on their own account; that
their children again, were educated to the profession; and that
about their identity there could be no mistake whatever.  We could
not be blind, we say, to this melancholy truth, but we could not
bring ourselves to admit it, nevertheless, and we lived on for some
years in a state of voluntary ignorance.  We were roused from our
pleasant slumber by certain dark insinuations thrown out by a
friend of ours, to the effect that children in the lower ranks of
life were beginning to CHOOSE chimney-sweeping as their particular
walk; that applications had been made by various boys to the
constituted authorities, to allow them to pursue the object of
their ambition with the full concurrence and sanction of the law;
that the affair, in short, was becoming one of mere legal contract.
We turned a deaf ear to these rumours at first, but slowly and
surely they stole upon us.  Month after month, week after week,
nay, day after day, at last, did we meet with accounts of similar
applications.  The veil was removed, all mystery was at an end, and
chimney-sweeping had become a favourite and chosen pursuit.  There
is no longer any occasion to steal boys; for boys flock in crowds
to bind themselves.  The romance of the trade has fled, and the
chimney-sweeper of the present day, is no more like unto him of
thirty years ago, than is a Fleet-street pickpocket to a Spanish
brigand, or Paul Pry to Caleb Williams.

This gradual decay and disuse of the practice of leading noble
youths into captivity, and compelling them to ascend chimneys, was
a severe blow, if we may so speak, to the romance of chimney-
sweeping, and to the romance of spring at the same time.  But even
this was not all, for some few years ago the dancing on May-day
began to decline; small sweeps were observed to congregate in twos
or threes, unsupported by a 'green,' with no 'My Lord' to act as
master of the ceremonies, and no 'My Lady' to preside over the
exchequer.  Even in companies where there was a 'green' it was an
absolute nothing - a mere sprout - and the instrumental
accompaniments rarely extended beyond the shovels and a set of
Panpipes, better known to the many, as a 'mouth-organ.'

These were signs of the times, portentous omens of a coming change;
and what was the result which they shadowed forth?  Why, the master
sweeps, influenced by a restless spirit of innovation, actually
interposed their authority, in opposition to the dancing, and
substituted a dinner - an anniversary dinner at White Conduit House
- where clean faces appeared in lieu of black ones smeared with
rose pink; and knee cords and tops superseded nankeen drawers and
rosetted shoes.

Gentlemen who were in the habit of riding shy horses; and steady-
going people who have no vagrancy in their souls, lauded this
alteration to the skies, and the conduct of the master sweeps was
described beyond the reach of praise.  But how stands the real
fact?  Let any man deny, if he can, that when the cloth had been
removed, fresh pots and pipes laid upon the table, and the
customary loyal and patriotic toasts proposed, the celebrated Mr.
Sluffen, of Adam-and-Eve-court, whose authority not the most
malignant of our opponents can call in question, expressed himself
in a manner following:  'That now he'd cotcht the cheerman's hi, he
vished he might be jolly vell blessed, if he worn't a goin' to have
his innings, vich he vould say these here obserwashuns - that how
some mischeevus coves as know'd nuffin about the consarn, had tried
to sit people agin the mas'r swips, and take the shine out o' their
bis'nes, and the bread out o' the traps o' their preshus kids, by a
makin' o' this here remark, as chimblies could be as vell svept by
'sheenery as by boys; and that the makin' use o' boys for that
there purpuss vos barbareous; vereas, he 'ad been a chummy - he
begged the cheerman's parding for usin' such a wulgar hexpression -
more nor thirty year - he might say he'd been born in a chimbley -
and he know'd uncommon vell as 'sheenery vos vus nor o' no use:
and as to kerhewelty to the boys, everybody in the chimbley line
know'd as vell as he did, that they liked the climbin' better nor
nuffin as vos.'  From this day, we date the total fall of the last
lingering remnant of May-day dancing, among the ELITE of the
profession:  and from this period we commence a new era in that
portion of our spring associations which relates to the first of
May.

We are aware that the unthinking part of the population will meet
us here, with the assertion, that dancing on May-day still
continues - that 'greens' are annually seen to roll along the
streets - that youths in the garb of clowns, precede them, giving
vent to the ebullitions of their sportive fancies; and that lords
and ladies follow in their wake.

Granted.  We are ready to acknowledge that in outward show, these
processions have greatly improved:  we do not deny the introduction
of solos on the drum; we will even go so far as to admit an
occasional fantasia on the triangle, but here our admissions end.
We positively deny that the sweeps have art or part in these
proceedings.  We distinctly charge the dustmen with throwing what
they ought to clear away, into the eyes of the public.  We accuse
scavengers, brickmakers, and gentlemen who devote their energies to
the costermongering line, with obtaining money once a-year, under
false pretences.  We cling with peculiar fondness to the custom of
days gone by, and have shut out conviction as long as we could, but
it has forced itself upon us; and we now proclaim to a deluded
public, that the May-day dancers are NOT sweeps.  The size of them,
alone, is sufficient to repudiate the idea.  It is a notorious fact
that the widely-spread taste for register-stoves has materially
increased the demand for small boys; whereas the men, who, under a
fictitious character, dance about the streets on the first of May
nowadays, would be a tight fit in a kitchen flue, to say nothing of
the parlour.  This is strong presumptive evidence, but we have
positive proof - the evidence of our own senses.  And here is our
testimony.

Upon the morning of the second of the merry month of May, in the
year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and thirty-six, we went
out for a stroll, with a kind of forlorn hope of seeing something
or other which might induce us to believe that it was really
spring, and not Christmas.  After wandering as far as Copenhagen
House, without meeting anything calculated to dispel our impression
that there was a mistake in the almanacks, we turned back down
Maidenlane, with the intention of passing through the extensive
colony lying between it and Battle-bridge, which is inhabited by
proprietors of donkey-carts, boilers of horse-flesh, makers of
tiles, and sifters of cinders; through which colony we should have
passed, without stoppage or interruption, if a little crowd
gathered round a shed had not attracted our attention, and induced
us to pause.

When we say a 'shed,' we do not mean the conservatory sort of
building, which, according to the old song, Love tenanted when he
was a young man, but a wooden house with windows stuffed with rags
and paper, and a small yard at the side, with one dust-cart, two
baskets, a few shovels, and little heaps of cinders, and fragments
of china and tiles, scattered about it.  Before this inviting spot
we paused; and the longer we looked, the more we wondered what
exciting circumstance it could be, that induced the foremost
members of the crowd to flatten their noses against the parlour
window, in the vain hope of catching a glimpse of what was going on
inside.  After staring vacantly about us for some minutes, we
appealed, touching the cause of this assemblage, to a gentleman in
a suit of tarpaulin, who was smoking his pipe on our right hand;
but as the only answer we obtained was a playful inquiry whether
our mother had disposed of her mangle, we determined to await the
issue in silence.

Judge of our virtuous indignation, when the street-door of the shed
opened, and a party emerged therefrom, clad in the costume and
emulating the appearance, of May-day sweeps!

The first person who appeared was 'my lord,' habited in a blue coat
and bright buttons, with gilt paper tacked over the seams, yellow
knee-breeches, pink cotton stockings, and shoes; a cocked hat,
ornamented with shreds of various-coloured paper, on his head, a
BOUQUET the size of a prize cauliflower in his button-hole, a long
Belcher handkerchief in his right hand, and a thin cane in his
left.  A murmur of applause ran through the crowd (which was
chiefly composed of his lordship's personal friends), when this
graceful figure made his appearance, which swelled into a burst of
applause as his fair partner in the dance bounded forth to join
him.  Her ladyship was attired in pink crape over bed-furniture,
with a low body and short sleeves.  The symmetry of her ankles was
partially concealed by a very perceptible pair of frilled trousers;
and the inconvenience which might have resulted from the
circumstance of her white satin shoes being a few sizes too large,
was obviated by their being firmly attached to her legs with strong
tape sandals.

Her head was ornamented with a profusion of artificial flowers; and
in her hand she bore a large brass ladle, wherein to receive what
she figuratively denominated 'the tin.'  The other characters were
a young gentleman in girl's clothes and a widow's cap; two clowns
who walked upon their hands in the mud, to the immeasurable delight
of all the spectators; a man with a drum; another man with a
flageolet; a dirty woman in a large shawl, with a box under her arm
for the money, - and last, though not least, the 'green,' animated
by no less a personage than our identical friend in the tarpaulin
suit.

The man hammered away at the drum, the flageolet squeaked, the
shovels rattled, the 'green' rolled about, pitching first on one
side and then on the other; my lady threw her right foot over her
left ankle, and her left foot over her right ankle, alternately; my
lord ran a few paces forward, and butted at the 'green,' and then a
few paces backward upon the toes of the crowd, and then went to the
right, and then to the left, and then dodged my lady round the
'green;' and finally drew her arm through his, and called upon the
boys to shout, which they did lustily - for this was the dancing.

We passed the same group, accidentally, in the evening.  We never
saw a 'green' so drunk, a lord so quarrelsome (no:  not even in the
house of peers after dinner), a pair of clowns so melancholy, a
lady so muddy, or a party so miserable.

How has May-day decayed!



CHAPTER XXI - BROKERS' AND MARINE-STORE SHOPS



When we affirm that brokers' shops are strange places, and that if
an authentic history of their contents could be procured, it would
furnish many a page of amusement, and many a melancholy tale, it is
necessary to explain the class of shops to which we allude.
Perhaps when we make use of the term 'Brokers' Shop,' the minds of
our readers will at once picture large, handsome warehouses,
exhibiting a long perspective of French-polished dining-tables,
rosewood chiffoniers, and mahogany wash-hand-stands, with an
occasional vista of a four-post bedstead and hangings, and an
appropriate foreground of dining-room chairs.  Perhaps they will
imagine that we mean an humble class of second-hand furniture
repositories.  Their imagination will then naturally lead them to
that street at the back of Long-acre, which is composed almost
entirely of brokers' shops; where you walk through groves of
deceitful, showy-looking furniture, and where the prospect is
occasionally enlivened by a bright red, blue, and yellow hearth-
rug, embellished with the pleasing device of a mail-coach at full
speed, or a strange animal, supposed to have been originally
intended for a dog, with a mass of worsted-work in his mouth, which
conjecture has likened to a basket of flowers.

This, by-the-bye, is a tempting article to young wives in the
humbler ranks of life, who have a first-floor front to furnish -
they are lost in admiration, and hardly know which to admire most.
The dog is very beautiful, but they have a dog already on the best
tea-tray, and two more on the mantel-piece.  Then, there is
something so genteel about that mail-coach; and the passengers
outside (who are all hat) give it such an air of reality!

The goods here are adapted to the taste, or rather to the means, of
cheap purchasers.  There are some of the most beautiful LOOKING
Pembroke tables that were ever beheld:  the wood as green as the
trees in the Park, and the leaves almost as certain to fall off in
the course of a year.  There is also a most extensive assortment of
tent and turn-up bedsteads, made of stained wood, and innumerable
specimens of that base imposition on society - a sofa bedstead.

A turn-up bedstead is a blunt, honest piece of furniture; it may be
slightly disguised with a sham drawer; and sometimes a mad attempt
is even made to pass it off for a book-case; ornament it as you
will, however, the turn-up bedstead seems to defy disguise, and to
insist on having it distinctly understood that he is a turn-up
bedstead, and nothing else - that he is indispensably necessary,
and that being so useful, he disdains to be ornamental.

How different is the demeanour of a sofa bedstead!  Ashamed of its
real use, it strives to appear an article of luxury and gentility -
an attempt in which it miserably fails.  It has neither the
respectability of a sofa, nor the virtues of a bed; every man who
keeps a sofa bedstead in his house, becomes a party to a wilful and
designing fraud - we question whether you could insult him more,
than by insinuating that you entertain the least suspicion of its
real use.

To return from this digression, we beg to say, that neither of
these classes of brokers' shops, forms the subject of this sketch.
The shops to which we advert, are immeasurably inferior to those on
whose outward appearance we have slightly touched.  Our readers
must often have observed in some by-street, in a poor
neighbourhood, a small dirty shop, exposing for sale the most
extraordinary and confused jumble of old, worn-out, wretched
articles, that can well be imagined.  Our wonder at their ever
having been bought, is only to be equalled by our astonishment at
the idea of their ever being sold again.  On a board, at the side
of the door, are placed about twenty books - all odd volumes; and
as many wine-glasses - all different patterns; several locks, an
old earthenware pan, full of rusty keys; two or three gaudy
chimney-ornaments - cracked, of course; the remains of a lustre,
without any drops; a round frame like a capital O, which has once
held a mirror; a flute, complete with the exception of the middle
joint; a pair of curling-irons; and a tinder-box.  In front of the
shop-window, are ranged some half-dozen high-backed chairs, with
spinal complaints and wasted legs; a corner cupboard; two or three
very dark mahogany tables with flaps like mathematical problems;
some pickle-jars, some surgeons' ditto, with gilt labels and
without stoppers; an unframed portrait of some lady who flourished
about the beginning of the thirteenth century, by an artist who
never flourished at all; an incalculable host of miscellanies of
every description, including bottles and cabinets, rags and bones,
fenders and street-door knockers, fire-irons, wearing apparel and
bedding, a hall-lamp, and a room-door.  Imagine, in addition to
this incongruous mass, a black doll in a white frock, with two
faces - one looking up the street, and the other looking down,
swinging over the door; a board with the squeezed-up inscription
'Dealer in marine stores,' in lanky white letters, whose height is
strangely out of proportion to their width; and you have before you
precisely the kind of shop to which we wish to direct your
attention.

Although the same heterogeneous mixture of things will be found at
all these places, it is curious to observe how truly and accurately
some of the minor articles which are exposed for sale - articles of
wearing apparel, for instance - mark the character of the
neighbourhood.  Take Drury-Lane and Covent-garden for example.

This is essentially a theatrical neighbourhood.  There is not a
potboy in the vicinity who is not, to a greater or less extent, a
dramatic character.  The errand-boys and chandler's-shop-keepers'
sons, are all stage-struck:  they 'gets up' plays in back kitchens
hired for the purpose, and will stand before a shop-window for
hours, contemplating a great staring portrait of Mr. Somebody or
other, of the Royal Coburg Theatre, 'as he appeared in the
character of Tongo the Denounced.'  The consequence is, that there
is not a marine-store shop in the neighbourhood, which does not
exhibit for sale some faded articles of dramatic finery, such as
three or four pairs of soiled buff boots with turn-over red tops,
heretofore worn by a 'fourth robber,' or 'fifth mob;' a pair of
rusty broadswords, a few gauntlets, and certain resplendent
ornaments, which, if they were yellow instead of white, might be
taken for insurance plates of the Sun Fire-office.  There are
several of these shops in the narrow streets and dirty courts, of
which there are so many near the national theatres, and they all
have tempting goods of this description, with the addition,
perhaps, of a lady's pink dress covered with spangles; white
wreaths, stage shoes, and a tiara like a tin lamp reflector.  They
have been purchased of some wretched supernumeraries, or sixth-rate
actors, and are now offered for the benefit of the rising
generation, who, on condition of making certain weekly payments,
amounting in the whole to about ten times their value, may avail
themselves of such desirable bargains.

Let us take a very different quarter, and apply it to the same
test.  Look at a marine-store dealer's, in that reservoir of dirt,
drunkenness, and drabs:  thieves, oysters, baked potatoes, and
pickled salmon - Ratcliff-highway.  Here, the wearing apparel is
all nautical.  Rough blue jackets, with mother-of-pearl buttons,
oil-skin hats, coarse checked shirts, and large canvas trousers
that look as if they were made for a pair of bodies instead of a
pair of legs, are the staple commodities.  Then, there are large
bunches of cotton pocket-handkerchiefs, in colour and pattern
unlike any one ever saw before, with the exception of those on the
backs of the three young ladies without bonnets who passed just
now.  The furniture is much the same as elsewhere, with the
addition of one or two models of ships, and some old prints of
naval engagements in still older frames.  In the window, are a few
compasses, a small tray containing silver watches in clumsy thick
cases; and tobacco-boxes, the lid of each ornamented with a ship,
or an anchor, or some such trophy.  A sailor generally pawns or
sells all he has before he has been long ashore, and if he does
not, some favoured companion kindly saves him the trouble.  In
either case, it is an even chance that he afterwards unconsciously
repurchases the same things at a higher price than he gave for them
at first.

Again:  pay a visit with a similar object, to a part of London, as
unlike both of these as they are to each other.  Cross over to the
Surrey side, and look at such shops of this description as are to
be found near the King's Bench prison, and in 'the Rules.'  How
different, and how strikingly illustrative of the decay of some of
the unfortunate residents in this part of the metropolis!
Imprisonment and neglect have done their work.  There is
contamination in the profligate denizens of a debtor's prison; old
friends have fallen off; the recollection of former prosperity has
passed away; and with it all thoughts for the past, all care for
the future.  First, watches and rings, then cloaks, coats, and all
the more expensive articles of dress, have found their way to the
pawnbroker's.  That miserable resource has failed at last, and the
sale of some trifling article at one of these shops, has been the
only mode left of raising a shilling or two, to meet the urgent
demands of the moment.  Dressing-cases and writing-desks, too old
to pawn but too good to keep; guns, fishing-rods, musical
instruments, all in the same condition; have first been sold, and
the sacrifice has been but slightly felt.  But hunger must be
allayed, and what has already become a habit, is easily resorted
to, when an emergency arises.  Light articles of clothing, first of
the ruined man, then of his wife, at last of their children, even
of the youngest, have been parted with, piecemeal.  There they are,
thrown carelessly together until a purchaser presents himself, old,
and patched and repaired, it is true; but the make and materials
tell of better days; and the older they are, the greater the misery
and destitution of those whom they once adorned.



CHAPTER XXII - GIN-SHOPS



It is a remarkable circumstance, that different trades appear to
partake of the disease to which elephants and dogs are especially
liable, and to run stark, staring, raving mad, periodically.  The
great distinction between the animals and the trades, is, that the
former run mad with a certain degree of propriety - they are very
regular in their irregularities.  We know the period at which the
emergency will arise, and provide against it accordingly.  If an
elephant run mad, we are all ready for him - kill or cure - pills
or bullets, calomel in conserve of roses, or lead in a musket-
barrel.  If a dog happen to look unpleasantly warm in the summer
months, and to trot about the shady side of the streets with a
quarter of a yard of tongue hanging out of his mouth, a thick
leather muzzle, which has been previously prepared in compliance
with the thoughtful injunctions of the Legislature, is instantly
clapped over his head, by way of making him cooler, and he either
looks remarkably unhappy for the next six weeks, or becomes legally
insane, and goes mad, as it were, by Act of Parliament.  But these
trades are as eccentric as comets; nay, worse, for no one can
calculate on the recurrence of the strange appearances which
betoken the disease.  Moreover, the contagion is general, and the
quickness with which it diffuses itself, almost incredible.

We will cite two or three cases in illustration of our meaning.
Six or eight years ago, the epidemic began to display itself among
the linen-drapers and haberdashers.  The primary symptoms were an
inordinate love of plate-glass, and a passion for gas-lights and
gilding.  The disease gradually progressed, and at last attained a
fearful height.  Quiet, dusty old shops in different parts of town,
were pulled down; spacious premises with stuccoed fronts and gold
letters, were erected instead; floors were covered with Turkey
carpets; roofs supported by massive pillars; doors knocked into
windows; a dozen squares of glass into one; one shopman into a
dozen; and there is no knowing what would have been done, if it had
not been fortunately discovered, just in time, that the
Commissioners of Bankruptcy were as competent to decide such cases
as the Commissioners of Lunacy, and that a little confinement and
gentle examination did wonders.  The disease abated.  It died away.
A year or two of comparative tranquillity ensued.  Suddenly it
burst out again amongst the chemists; the symptoms were the same,
with the addition of a strong desire to stick the royal arms over
the shop-door, and a great rage for mahogany, varnish, and
expensive floor-cloth.  Then, the hosiers were infected, and began
to pull down their shop-fronts with frantic recklessness.  The
mania again died away, and the public began to congratulate
themselves on its entire disappearance, when it burst forth with
tenfold violence among the publicans, and keepers of 'wine vaults.'
From that moment it has spread among them with unprecedented
rapidity, exhibiting a concatenation of all the previous symptoms;
onward it has rushed to every part of town, knocking down all the
old public-houses, and depositing splendid mansions, stone
balustrades, rosewood fittings, immense lamps, and illuminated
clocks, at the corner of every street.

The extensive scale on which these places are established, and the
ostentatious manner in which the business of even the smallest
among them is divided into branches, is amusing.  A handsome plate
of ground glass in one door directs you 'To the Counting-house;'
another to the 'Bottle Department; a third to the 'Wholesale
Department;' a fourth to 'The Wine Promenade;' and so forth, until
we are in daily expectation of meeting with a 'Brandy Bell,' or a
'Whiskey Entrance.'  Then, ingenuity is exhausted in devising
attractive titles for the different descriptions of gin; and the
dram-drinking portion of the community as they gaze upon the
gigantic black and white announcements, which are only to be
equalled in size by the figures beneath them, are left in a state
of pleasing hesitation between 'The Cream of the Valley,' 'The Out
and Out,' 'The No Mistake,' 'The Good for Mixing,' 'The real Knock-
me-down,' 'The celebrated Butter Gin,' 'The regular Flare-up,' and
a dozen other, equally inviting and wholesome LIQUEURS.  Although
places of this description are to be met with in every second
street, they are invariably numerous and splendid in precise
proportion to the dirt and poverty of the surrounding
neighbourhood.  The gin-shops in and near Drury-Lane, Holborn, St.
Giles's, Covent-garden, and Clare-market, are the handsomest in
London.  There is more of filth and squalid misery near those great
thorough-fares than in any part of this mighty city.

We will endeavour to sketch the bar of a large gin-shop, and its
ordinary customers, for the edification of such of our readers as
may not have had opportunities of observing such scenes; and on the
chance of finding one well suited to our purpose, we will make for
Drury-Lane, through the narrow streets and dirty courts which
divide it from Oxford-street, and that classical spot adjoining the
brewery at the bottom of Tottenham-court-road, best known to the
initiated as the 'Rookery.'

The filthy and miserable appearance of this part of London can
hardly be imagined by those (and there are many such) who have not
witnessed it.  Wretched houses with broken windows patched with
rags and paper:  every room let out to a different family, and in
many instances to two or even three - fruit and 'sweet-stuff'
manufacturers in the cellars, barbers and red-herring vendors in
the front parlours, cobblers in the back; a bird-fancier in the
first floor, three families on the second, starvation in the
attics, Irishmen in the passage, a 'musician' in the front kitchen,
and a charwoman and five hungry children in the back one - filth
everywhere - a gutter before the houses and a drain behind -
clothes drying and slops emptying, from the windows; girls of
fourteen or fifteen, with matted hair, walking about barefoot, and
in white great-coats, almost their only covering; boys of all ages,
in coats of all sizes and no coats at all; men and women, in every
variety of scanty and dirty apparel, lounging, scolding, drinking,
smoking, squabbling, fighting, and swearing.

You turn the corner.  What a change!  All is light and brilliancy.
The hum of many voices issues from that splendid gin-shop which
forms the commencement of the two streets opposite; and the gay
building with the fantastically ornamented parapet, the illuminated
clock, the plate-glass windows surrounded by stucco rosettes, and
its profusion of gas-lights in richly-gilt burners, is perfectly
dazzling when contrasted with the darkness and dirt we have just
left.  The interior is even gayer than the exterior.  A bar of
French-polished mahogany, elegantly carved, extends the whole width
of the place; and there are two side-aisles of great casks, painted
green and gold, enclosed within a light brass rail, and bearing
such inscriptions, as 'Old Tom, 549;' 'Young Tom, 360;' 'Samson,
1421' - the figures agreeing, we presume, with 'gallons,'
understood.  Beyond the bar is a lofty and spacious saloon, full of
the same enticing vessels, with a gallery running round it, equally
well furnished.  On the counter, in addition to the usual spirit
apparatus, are two or three little baskets of cakes and biscuits,
which are carefully secured at top with wicker-work, to prevent
their contents being unlawfully abstracted.  Behind it, are two
showily-dressed damsels with large necklaces, dispensing the
spirits and 'compounds.'  They are assisted by the ostensible
proprietor of the concern, a stout, coarse fellow in a fur cap, put
on very much on one side to give him a knowing air, and to display
his sandy whiskers to the best advantage.

The two old washerwomen, who are seated on the little bench to the
left of the bar, are rather overcome by the head-dresses and
haughty demeanour of the young ladies who officiate.  They receive
their half-quartern of gin and peppermint, with considerable
deference, prefacing a request for 'one of them soft biscuits,'
with a 'Jist be good enough, ma'am.'  They are quite astonished at
the impudent air of the young fellow in a brown coat and bright
buttons, who, ushering in his two companions, and walking up to the
bar in as careless a manner as if he had been used to green and
gold ornaments all his life, winks at one of the young ladies with
singular coolness, and calls for a 'kervorten and a three-out-
glass,' just as if the place were his own.  'Gin for you, sir?'
says the young lady when she has drawn it:  carefully looking every
way but the right one, to show that the wink had no effect upon
her.  'For me, Mary, my dear,' replies the gentleman in brown.  'My
name an't Mary as it happens,' says the young girl, rather relaxing
as she delivers the change.  'Well, if it an't, it ought to be,'
responds the irresistible one; 'all the Marys as ever I see, was
handsome gals.'  Here the young lady, not precisely remembering how
blushes are managed in such cases, abruptly ends the flirtation by
addressing the female in the faded feathers who has just entered,
and who, after stating explicitly, to prevent any subsequent
misunderstanding, that 'this gentleman pays,' calls for 'a glass of
port wine and a bit of sugar.'

Those two old men who came in 'just to have a drain,' finished
their third quartern a few seconds ago; they have made themselves
crying drunk; and the fat comfortable-looking elderly women, who
had 'a glass of rum-srub' each, having chimed in with their
complaints on the hardness of the times, one of the women has
agreed to stand a glass round, jocularly observing that 'grief
never mended no broken bones, and as good people's wery scarce,
what I says is, make the most on 'em, and that's all about it!' a
sentiment which appears to afford unlimited satisfaction to those
who have nothing to pay.

It is growing late, and the throng of men, women, and children, who
have been constantly going in and out, dwindles down to two or
three occasional stragglers - cold, wretched-looking creatures, in
the last stage of emaciation and disease.  The knot of Irish
labourers at the lower end of the place, who have been alternately
shaking hands with, and threatening the life of each other, for the
last hour, become furious in their disputes, and finding it
impossible to silence one man, who is particularly anxious to
adjust the difference, they resort to the expedient of knocking him
down and jumping on him afterwards.  The man in the fur cap, and
the potboy rush out; a scene of riot and confusion ensues; half the
Irishmen get shut out, and the other half get shut in; the potboy
is knocked among the tubs in no time; the landlord hits everybody,
and everybody hits the landlord; the barmaids scream; the police
come in; the rest is a confused mixture of arms, legs, staves, torn
coats, shouting, and struggling.  Some of the party are borne off
to the station-house, and the remainder slink home to beat their
wives for complaining, and kick the children for daring to be
hungry.

We have sketched this subject very slightly, not only because our
limits compel us to do so, but because, if it were pursued farther,
it would be painful and repulsive.  Well-disposed gentlemen, and
charitable ladies, would alike turn with coldness and disgust from
a description of the drunken besotted men, and wretched broken-down
miserable women, who form no inconsiderable portion of the
frequenters of these haunts; forgetting, in the pleasant
consciousness of their own rectitude, the poverty of the one, and
the temptation of the other.  Gin-drinking is a great vice in
England, but wretchedness and dirt are a greater; and until you
improve the homes of the poor, or persuade a half-famished wretch
not to seek relief in the temporary oblivion of his own misery,
with the pittance which, divided among his family, would furnish a
morsel of bread for each, gin-shops will increase in number and
splendour.  If Temperance Societies would suggest an antidote
against hunger, filth, and foul air, or could establish
dispensaries for the gratuitous distribution of bottles of Lethe-
water, gin-palaces would be numbered among the things that were.



CHAPTER XXIII - THE PAWNBROKER'S SHOP



Of the numerous receptacles for misery and distress with which the
streets of London unhappily abound, there are, perhaps, none which
present such striking scenes as the pawnbrokers' shops.  The very
nature and description of these places occasions their being but
little known, except to the unfortunate beings whose profligacy or
misfortune drives them to seek the temporary relief they offer.
The subject may appear, at first sight, to be anything but an
inviting one, but we venture on it nevertheless, in the hope that,
as far as the limits of our present paper are concerned, it will
present nothing to disgust even the most fastidious reader.

There are some pawnbrokers' shops of a very superior description.
There are grades in pawning as in everything else, and distinctions
must be observed even in poverty.  The aristocratic Spanish cloak
and the plebeian calico shirt, the silver fork and the flat iron,
the muslin cravat and the Belcher neckerchief, would but ill assort
together; so, the better sort of pawnbroker calls himself a silver-
smith, and decorates his shop with handsome trinkets and expensive
jewellery, while the more humble money-lender boldly advertises his
calling, and invites observation.  It is with pawnbrokers' shops of
the latter class, that we have to do.  We have selected one for our
purpose, and will endeavour to describe it.

The pawnbroker's shop is situated near Drury-Lane, at the corner of
a court, which affords a side entrance for the accommodation of
such customers as may be desirous of avoiding the observation of
the passers-by, or the chance of recognition in the public street.
It is a low, dirty-looking, dusty shop, the door of which stands
always doubtfully, a little way open:  half inviting, half
repelling the hesitating visitor, who, if he be as yet uninitiated,
examines one of the old garnet brooches in the window for a minute
or two with affected eagerness, as if he contemplated making a
purchase; and then looking cautiously round to ascertain that no
one watches him, hastily slinks in:  the door closing of itself
after him, to just its former width.  The shop front and the
window-frames bear evident marks of having been once painted; but,
what the colour was originally, or at what date it was probably
laid on, are at this remote period questions which may be asked,
but cannot be answered.  Tradition states that the transparency in
the front door, which displays at night three red balls on a blue
ground, once bore also, inscribed in graceful waves, the words
'Money advanced on plate, jewels, wearing apparel, and every
description of property,' but a few illegible hieroglyphics are all
that now remain to attest the fact.  The plate and jewels would
seem to have disappeared, together with the announcement, for the
articles of stock, which are displayed in some profusion in the
window, do not include any very valuable luxuries of either kind.
A few old china cups; some modern vases, adorned with paltry
paintings of three Spanish cavaliers playing three Spanish guitars;
or a party of boors carousing:  each boor with one leg painfully
elevated in the air, by way of expressing his perfect freedom and
gaiety; several sets of chessmen, two or three flutes, a few
fiddles, a round-eyed portrait staring in astonishment from a very
dark ground; some gaudily-bound prayer-books and testaments, two
rows of silver watches quite as clumsy and almost as large as
Ferguson's first; numerous old-fashioned table and tea spoons,
displayed, fan-like, in half-dozens; strings of coral with great
broad gilt snaps; cards of rings and brooches, fastened and
labelled separately, like the insects in the British Museum; cheap
silver penholders and snuff-boxes, with a masonic star, complete
the jewellery department; while five or six beds in smeary clouded
ticks, strings of blankets and sheets, silk and cotton
handkerchiefs, and wearing apparel of every description, form the
more useful, though even less ornamental, part, of the articles
exposed for sale.  An extensive collection of planes, chisels,
saws, and other carpenters' tools, which have been pledged, and
never redeemed, form the foreground of the picture; while the large
frames full of ticketed bundles, which are dimly seen through the
dirty casement up-stairs - the squalid neighbourhood - the
adjoining houses, straggling, shrunken, and rotten, with one or two
filthy, unwholesome-looking heads thrust out of every window, and
old red pans and stunted plants exposed on the tottering parapets,
to the manifest hazard of the heads of the passers-by - the noisy
men loitering under the archway at the corner of the court, or
about the gin-shop next door - and their wives patiently standing
on the curb-stone, with large baskets of cheap vegetables slung
round them for sale, are its immediate auxiliaries.

If the outside of the pawnbroker's shop be calculated to attract
the attention, or excite the interest, of the speculative
pedestrian, its interior cannot fail to produce the same effect in
an increased degree.  The front door, which we have before noticed,
opens into the common shop, which is the resort of all those
customers whose habitual acquaintance with such scenes renders them
indifferent to the observation of their companions in poverty.  The
side door opens into a small passage from which some half-dozen
doors (which may be secured on the inside by bolts) open into a
corresponding number of little dens, or closets, which face the
counter.  Here, the more timid or respectable portion of the crowd
shroud themselves from the notice of the remainder, and patiently
wait until the gentleman behind the counter, with the curly black
hair, diamond ring, and double silver watch-guard, shall feel
disposed to favour them with his notice - a consummation which
depends considerably on the temper of the aforesaid gentleman for
the time being.

At the present moment, this elegantly-attired individual is in the
act of entering the duplicate he has just made out, in a thick
book:  a process from which he is diverted occasionally, by a
conversation he is carrying on with another young man similarly
employed at a little distance from him, whose allusions to 'that
last bottle of soda-water last night,' and 'how regularly round my
hat he felt himself when the young 'ooman gave 'em in charge,'
would appear to refer to the consequences of some stolen joviality
of the preceding evening.  The customers generally, however, seem
unable to participate in the amusement derivable from this source,
for an old sallow-looking woman, who has been leaning with both
arms on the counter with a small bundle before her, for half an
hour previously, suddenly interrupts the conversation by addressing
the  jewelled shopman - 'Now, Mr. Henry, do make haste, there's a
good soul, for my two grandchildren's locked up at home, and I'm
afeer'd of the fire.'  The shopman slightly raises his head, with
an air of deep abstraction, and resumes his entry with as much
deliberation as if he were engraving.  'You're in a hurry, Mrs.
Tatham, this ev'nin', an't you?' is the only notice he deigns to
take, after the lapse of five minutes or so.  'Yes, I am indeed,
Mr. Henry; now, do serve me next, there's a good creetur.  I
wouldn't worry you, only it's all along o' them botherin'
children.'  'What have you got here?' inquires the shopman,
unpinning the bundle - 'old concern, I suppose - pair o' stays and
a petticut.  You must look up somethin' else, old 'ooman; I can't
lend you anything more upon them; they're completely worn out by
this time, if it's only by putting in, and taking out again, three
times a week.'  'Oh! you're a rum un, you are,' replies the old
woman, laughing extremely, as in duty bound; 'I wish I'd got the
gift of the gab like you; see if I'd be up the spout so often then!
No, no; it an't the petticut; it's a child's frock and a beautiful
silk ankecher, as belongs to my husband.  He gave four shillin' for
it, the werry same blessed day as he broke his arm.' - 'What do you
want upon these?' inquires Mr. Henry, slightly glancing at the
articles, which in all probability are old acquaintances.  'What do
you want upon these?' - 'Eighteenpence.' - 'Lend you ninepence.' -
'Oh, make it a shillin'; there's a dear - do now?' - 'Not another
farden.' - 'Well, I suppose I must take it.'  The duplicate is made
out, one ticket pinned on the parcel, the other given to the old
woman; the parcel is flung carelessly down into a corner, and some
other customer prefers his claim to be served without further
delay.

The choice falls on an unshaven, dirty, sottish-looking fellow,
whose tarnished paper-cap, stuck negligently over one eye,
communicates an additionally repulsive expression to his very
uninviting countenance.  He was enjoying a little relaxation from
his sedentary pursuits a quarter of an hour ago, in kicking his
wife up the court.  He has come to redeem some tools:- probably to
complete a job with, on account of which he has already received
some money, if his inflamed countenance and drunken staggers may be
taken as evidence of the fact.  Having waited some little time, he
makes his presence known by venting his ill-humour on a ragged
urchin, who, being unable to bring his face on a level with the
counter by any other process, has employed himself in climbing up,
and then hooking himself on with his elbows - an uneasy perch, from
which he has fallen at intervals, generally alighting on the toes
of the person in his immediate vicinity.  In the present case, the
unfortunate little wretch has received a cuff which sends him
reeling to this door; and the donor of the blow is immediately the
object of general indignation.

'What do you strike the boy for, you brute?' exclaims a slipshod
woman, with two flat irons in a little basket.  'Do you think he's
your wife, you willin?'  'Go and hang yourself!' replies the
gentleman addressed, with a drunken look of savage stupidity,
aiming at the same time a blow at the woman which fortunately
misses its object.  'Go and hang yourself; and wait till I come and
cut you down.' - 'Cut you down,' rejoins the woman, 'I wish I had
the cutting of you up, you wagabond! (loud.)  Oh! you precious
wagabond! (rather louder.)  Where's your wife, you willin? (louder
still; women of this class are always sympathetic, and work
themselves into a tremendous passion on the shortest notice.)  Your
poor dear wife as you uses worser nor a dog - strike a woman - you
a man! (very shrill;) I wish I had you - I'd murder you, I would,
if I died for it!' - 'Now be civil,' retorts the man fiercely.  'Be
civil, you wiper!' ejaculates the woman contemptuously.  'An't it
shocking?' she continues, turning round, and appealing to an old
woman who is peeping out of one of the little closets we have
before described, and who has not the slightest objection to join
in the attack, possessing, as she does, the comfortable conviction
that she is bolted in.  'Ain't it shocking, ma'am?  (Dreadful! says
the old woman in a parenthesis, not exactly knowing what the
question refers to.)  He's got a wife, ma'am, as takes in mangling,
and is as 'dustrious and hard-working a young 'ooman as can be,
(very fast) as lives in the back parlour of our 'ous, which my
husband and me lives in the front one (with great rapidity) - and
we hears him a beaten' on her sometimes when he comes home drunk,
the whole night through, and not only a beaten' her, but beaten'
his own child too, to make her more miserable - ugh, you beast! and
she, poor creater, won't swear the peace agin him, nor do nothin',
because she likes the wretch arter all - worse luck!'  Here, as the
woman has completely run herself out of breath, the pawnbroker
himself, who has just appeared behind the counter in a gray
dressing-gown, embraces the favourable opportunity of putting in a
word:- 'Now I won't have none of this sort of thing on my
premises!' he interposes with an air of authority.  'Mrs. Mackin,
keep yourself to yourself, or you don't get fourpence for a flat
iron here; and Jinkins, you leave your ticket here till you're
sober, and send your wife for them two planes, for I won't have you
in my shop at no price; so make yourself scarce, before I make you
scarcer.'

This eloquent address produces anything but the effect desired; the
women rail in concert; the man hits about him in all directions,
and is in the act of establishing an indisputable claim to
gratuitous lodgings for the night, when the entrance of his wife, a
wretched, worn-out woman, apparently in the last stage of
consumption, whose face bears evident marks of recent ill-usage,
and whose strength seems hardly equal to the burden - light enough,
God knows! - of the thin, sickly child she carries in her arms,
turns his cowardly rage in a safer direction.  'Come home, dear,'
cries the miserable creature, in an imploring tone; 'DO come home,
there's a good fellow, and go to bed.' - 'Go home yourself,'
rejoins the furious ruffian.  'Do come home quietly,' repeats the
wife, bursting into tears.  'Go home yourself,' retorts the husband
again, enforcing his argument by a blow which sends the poor
creature flying out of the shop.  Her 'natural protector' follows
her up the court, alternately venting his rage in accelerating her
progress, and in knocking the little scanty blue bonnet of the
unfortunate child over its still more scanty and faded-looking
face.

In the last box, which is situated in the darkest and most obscure
corner of the shop, considerably removed from either of the gas-
lights, are a young delicate girl of about twenty, and an elderly
female, evidently her mother from the resemblance between them, who
stand at some distance back, as if to avoid the observation even of
the shopman.  It is not their first visit to a pawnbroker's shop,
for they answer without a moment's hesitation the usual questions,
put in a rather respectful manner, and in a much lower tone than
usual, of 'What name shall I say? - Your own property, of course? -
Where do you live? - Housekeeper or lodger?'  They bargain, too,
for a higher loan than the shopman is at first inclined to offer,
which a perfect stranger would be little disposed to do; and the
elder female urges her daughter on, in scarcely audible whispers,
to exert her utmost powers of persuasion to obtain an advance of
the sum, and expatiate on the value of the articles they have
brought to raise a present supply upon.  They are a small gold
chain and a 'Forget me not' ring:  the girl's property, for they
are both too small for the mother; given her in better times;
prized, perhaps, once, for the giver's sake, but parted with now
without a struggle; for want has hardened the mother, and her
example has hardened the girl, and the prospect of receiving money,
coupled with a recollection of the misery they have both endured
from the want of it - the coldness of old friends - the stern
refusal of some, and the still more galling compassion of others -
appears to have obliterated the consciousness of self-humiliation,
which the idea of their present situation would once have aroused.

In the next box, is a young female, whose attire, miserably poor,
but extremely gaudy, wretchedly cold, but extravagantly fine, too
plainly bespeaks her station.  The rich satin gown with its faded
trimmings, the worn-out thin shoes, and pink silk stockings, the
summer bonnet in winter, and the sunken face, where a daub of rouge
only serves as an index to the ravages of squandered health never
to be regained, and lost happiness never to be restored, and where
the practised smile is a wretched mockery of the misery of the
heart, cannot be mistaken.  There is something in the glimpse she
has just caught of her young neighbour, and in the sight of the
little trinkets she has offered in pawn, that seems to have
awakened in this woman's mind some slumbering recollection, and to
have changed, for an instant, her whole demeanour.  Her first hasty
impulse was to bend forward as if to scan more minutely the
appearance of her half-concealed companions; her next, on seeing
them involuntarily shrink from her, to retreat to the back of the
box, cover her face with her hands, and burst into tears.

There are strange chords in the human heart, which will lie dormant
through years of depravity and wickedness, but which will vibrate
at last to some slight circumstance apparently trivial in itself,
but connected by some undefined and indistinct association, with
past days that can never be recalled, and with bitter recollections
from which the most degraded creature in existence cannot escape.

There has been another spectator, in the person of a woman in the
common shop; the lowest of the low; dirty, unbonneted, flaunting,
and slovenly.  Her curiosity was at first attracted by the little
she could see of the group; then her attention.  The half-
intoxicated leer changed to an expression of something like
interest, and a feeling similar to that we have described, appeared
for a moment, and only a moment, to extend itself even to her
bosom.

Who shall say how soon these women may change places?  The last has
but two more stages - the hospital and the grave.  How many females
situated as her two companions are, and as she may have been once,
have terminated the same wretched course, in the same wretched
manner!  One is already tracing her footsteps with frightful
rapidity.  How soon may the other follow her example!  How many
have done the same!



CHAPTER XXIV - CRIMINAL COURTS



We shall never forget the mingled feelings of awe and respect with
which we used to gaze on the exterior of Newgate in our schoolboy
days.  How dreadful its rough heavy walls, and low massive doors,
appeared to us - the latter looking as if they were made for the
express purpose of letting people in, and never letting them out
again.  Then the fetters over the debtors' door, which we used to
think were a BONA FIDE set of irons, just hung up there, for
convenience' sake, ready to be taken down at a moment's notice, and
riveted on the limbs of some refractory felon!  We were never tired
of wondering how the hackney-coachmen on the opposite stand could
cut jokes in the presence of such horrors, and drink pots of half-
and-half so near the last drop.

Often have we strayed here, in sessions time, to catch a glimpse of
the whipping-place, and that dark building on one side of the yard,
in which is kept the gibbet with all its dreadful apparatus, and on
the door of which we half expected to see a brass plate, with the
inscription 'Mr. Ketch;' for we never imagined that the
distinguished functionary could by possibility live anywhere else!
The days of these childish dreams have passed away, and with them
many other boyish ideas of a gayer nature.  But we still retain so
much of our original feeling, that to this hour we never pass the
building without something like a shudder.

What London pedestrian is there who has not, at some time or other,
cast a hurried glance through the wicket at which prisoners are
admitted into this gloomy mansion, and surveyed the few objects he
could discern, with an indescribable feeling of curiosity?  The
thick door, plated with iron and mounted with spikes, just low
enough to enable you to see, leaning over them, an ill-looking
fellow, in a broad-brimmed hat, Belcher handkerchief and top-boots:
with a brown coat, something between a great-coat and a 'sporting'
jacket, on his back, and an immense key in his left hand.  Perhaps
you are lucky enough to pass, just as the gate is being opened;
then, you see on the other side of the lodge, another gate, the
image of its predecessor, and two or three more turnkeys, who look
like multiplications of the first one, seated round a fire which
just lights up the whitewashed apartment sufficiently to enable you
to catch a hasty glimpse of these different objects.  We have a
great respect for Mrs. Fry, but she certainly ought to have written
more romances than Mrs. Radcliffe.

We were walking leisurely down the Old Bailey, some time ago, when,
as we passed this identical gate, it was opened by the officiating
turnkey.  We turned quickly round, as a matter of course, and saw
two persons descending the steps.  We could not help stopping and
observing them.

They were an elderly woman, of decent appearance, though evidently
poor, and a boy of about fourteen or fifteen.  The woman was crying
bitterly; she carried a small bundle in her hand, and the boy
followed at a short distance behind her.  Their little history was
obvious.  The boy was her son, to whose early comfort she had
perhaps sacrificed her own - for whose sake she had borne misery
without repining, and poverty without a murmur - looking steadily
forward to the time, when he who had so long witnessed her
struggles for himself, might be enabled to make some exertions for
their joint support.  He had formed dissolute connexions; idleness
had led to crime; and he had been committed to take his trial for
some petty theft.  He had been long in prison, and, after receiving
some trifling additional punishment, had been ordered to be
discharged that morning.  It was his first offence, and his poor
old mother, still hoping to reclaim him, had been waiting at the
gate to implore him to return home.

We cannot forget the boy; he descended the steps with a dogged
look, shaking his head with an air of bravado and obstinate
determination.  They walked a few paces, and paused.  The woman put
her hand upon his shoulder in an agony of entreaty, and the boy
sullenly raised his head as if in refusal.  It was a brilliant
morning, and every object looked fresh and happy in the broad, gay
sunlight; he gazed round him for a few moments, bewildered with the
brightness of the scene, for it was long since he had beheld
anything save the gloomy walls of a prison.  Perhaps the
wretchedness of his mother made some impression on the boy's heart;
perhaps some undefined recollection of the time when he was a happy
child, and she his only friend, and best companion, crowded on him
- he burst into tears; and covering his face with one hand, and
hurriedly placing the other in his mother's, walked away with her.

Curiosity has occasionally led us into both Courts at the Old
Bailey.  Nothing is so likely to strike the person who enters them
for the first time, as the calm indifference with which the
proceedings are conducted; every trial seems a mere matter of
business.  There is a great deal of form, but no compassion;
considerable interest, but no sympathy.  Take the Old Court for
example.  There sit the judges, with whose great dignity everybody
is acquainted, and of whom therefore we need say no more.  Then,
there is the Lord Mayor in the centre, looking as cool as a Lord
Mayor CAN look, with an immense BOUQUET before him, and habited in
all the splendour of his office.  Then, there are the Sheriffs, who
are almost as dignified as the Lord Mayor himself; and the
Barristers, who are quite dignified enough in their own opinion;
and the spectators, who having paid for their admission, look upon
the whole scene as if it were got up especially for their
amusement.  Look upon the whole group in the body of the Court -
some wholly engrossed in the morning papers, others carelessly
conversing in low whispers, and others, again, quietly dozing away
an hour - and you can scarcely believe that the result of the trial
is a matter of life or death to one wretched being present.  But
turn your eyes to the dock; watch the prisoner attentively for a
few moments; and the fact is before you, in all its painful
reality.  Mark how restlessly he has been engaged for the last ten
minutes, in forming all sorts of fantastic figures with the herbs
which are strewed upon the ledge before him; observe the ashy
paleness of his face when a particular witness appears, and how he
changes his position and wipes his clammy forehead, and feverish
hands, when the case for the prosecution is closed, as if it were a
relief to him to feel that the jury knew the worst.

The defence is concluded; the judge proceeds to sum up the
evidence; and the prisoner watches the countenances of the jury, as
a dying man, clinging to life to the very last, vainly looks in the
face of his physician for a slight ray of hope.  They turn round to
consult; you can almost hear the man's heart beat, as he bites the
stalk of rosemary, with a desperate effort to appear composed.
They resume their places - a dead silence prevails as the foreman
delivers in the verdict - 'Guilty!'  A shriek bursts from a female
in the gallery; the prisoner casts one look at the quarter from
whence the noise proceeded; and is immediately hurried from the
dock by the gaoler.  The clerk directs one of the officers of the
Court to 'take the woman out,' and fresh business is proceeded
with, as if nothing had occurred.

No imaginary contrast to a case like this, could be as complete as
that which is constantly presented in the New Court, the gravity of
which is frequently disturbed in no small degree, by the cunning
and pertinacity of juvenile offenders.  A boy of thirteen is tried,
say for picking the pocket of some subject of her Majesty, and the
offence is about as clearly proved as an offence can be.  He is
called upon for his defence, and contents himself with a little
declamation about the jurymen and his country - asserts that all
the witnesses have committed perjury, and hints that the police
force generally have entered into a conspiracy 'again' him.
However probable this statement may be, it fails to convince the
Court, and some such scene as the following then takes place:

COURT:  Have you any witnesses to speak to your character, boy?

BOY:  Yes, my Lord; fifteen gen'lm'n is a vaten outside, and vos a
vaten all day yesterday, vich they told me the night afore my trial
vos a comin' on.

COURT.  Inquire for these witnesses.

Here, a stout beadle runs out, and vociferates for the witnesses at
the very top of his voice; for you hear his cry grow fainter and
fainter as he descends the steps into the court-yard below.  After
an absence of five minutes, he returns, very warm and hoarse, and
informs the Court of what it knew perfectly well before - namely,
that there are no such witnesses in attendance.  Hereupon, the boy
sets up a most awful howling; screws the lower part of the palms of
his hands into the corners of his eyes; and endeavours to look the
picture of injured innocence.  The jury at once find him 'guilty,'
and his endeavours to squeeze out a tear or two are redoubled.  The
governor of the gaol then states, in reply to an inquiry from the
bench, that the prisoner has been under his care twice before.
This the urchin resolutely denies in some such terms as - 'S'elp
me, gen'lm'n, I never vos in trouble afore - indeed, my Lord, I
never vos.  It's all a howen to my having a twin brother, vich has
wrongfully got into trouble, and vich is so exactly like me, that
no vun ever knows the difference atween us.'

This representation, like the defence, fails in producing the
desired effect, and the boy is sentenced, perhaps, to seven years'
transportation.  Finding it impossible to excite compassion, he
gives vent to his feelings in an imprecation bearing reference to
the eyes of 'old big vig!' and as he declines to take the trouble
of walking from the dock, is forthwith carried out, congratulating
himself on having succeeded in giving everybody as much trouble as
possible.



CHAPTER XXV - A VISIT TO NEWGATE



'The force of habit' is a trite phrase in everybody's mouth; and it
is not a little remarkable that those who use it most as applied to
others, unconsciously afford in their own persons singular examples
of the power which habit and custom exercise over the minds of men,
and of the little reflection they are apt to bestow on subjects
with which every day's experience has rendered them familiar.  If
Bedlam could be suddenly removed like another Aladdin's palace, and
set down on the space now occupied by Newgate, scarcely one man out
of a hundred, whose road to business every morning lies through
Newgate-street, or the Old Bailey, would pass the building without
bestowing a hasty glance on its small, grated windows, and a
transient thought upon the condition of the unhappy beings immured
in its dismal cells; and yet these same men, day by day, and hour
by hour, pass and repass this gloomy depository of the guilt and
misery of London, in one perpetual stream of life and bustle,
utterly unmindful of the throng of wretched creatures pent up
within it - nay, not even knowing, or if they do, not heeding, the
fact, that as they pass one particular angle of the massive wall
with a light laugh or a merry whistle, they stand within one yard
of a fellow-creature, bound and helpless, whose hours are numbered,
from whom the last feeble ray of hope has fled for ever, and whose
miserable career will shortly terminate in a violent and shameful
death.  Contact with death even in its least terrible shape, is
solemn and appalling.  How much more awful is it to reflect on this
near vicinity to the dying - to men in full health and vigour, in
the flower of youth or the prime of life, with all their faculties
and perceptions as acute and perfect as your own; but dying,
nevertheless - dying as surely - with the hand of death imprinted
upon them as indelibly - as if mortal disease had wasted their
frames to shadows, and corruption had already begun!

It was with some such thoughts as these that we determined, not
many weeks since, to visit the interior of Newgate - in an amateur
capacity, of course; and, having carried our intention into effect,
we proceed to lay its results before our readers, in the hope -
founded more upon the nature of the subject, than on any
presumptuous confidence in our own descriptive powers - that this
paper may not be found wholly devoid of interest.  We have only to
premise, that we do not intend to fatigue the reader with any
statistical accounts of the prison; they will be found at length in
numerous reports of numerous committees, and a variety of
authorities of equal weight.  We took no notes, made no memoranda,
measured none of the yards, ascertained the exact number of inches
in no particular room:  are unable even to report of how many
apartments the gaol is composed.

We saw the prison, and saw the prisoners; and what we did see, and
what we thought, we will tell at once in our own way.

Having delivered our credentials to the servant who answered our
knock at the door of the governor's house, we were ushered into the
'office;' a little room, on the right-hand side as you enter, with
two windows looking into the Old Bailey:  fitted up like an
ordinary attorney's office, or merchant's counting-house, with the
usual fixtures - a wainscoted partition, a shelf or two, a desk, a
couple of stools, a pair of clerks, an almanack, a clock, and a few
maps.  After a little delay, occasioned by sending into the
interior of the prison for the officer whose duty it was to conduct
us, that functionary arrived; a respectable-looking man of about
two or three and fifty, in a broad-brimmed hat, and full suit of
black, who, but for his keys, would have looked quite as much like
a clergyman as a turnkey.  We were disappointed; he had not even
top-boots on.  Following our conductor by a door opposite to that
at which we had entered, we arrived at a small room, without any
other furniture than a little desk, with a book for visitors'
autographs, and a shelf, on which were a few boxes for papers, and
casts of the heads and faces of the two notorious murderers, Bishop
and Williams; the former, in particular, exhibiting a style of head
and set of features, which might have afforded sufficient moral
grounds for his instant execution at any time, even had there been
no other evidence against him.  Leaving this room also, by an
opposite door, we found ourself in the lodge which opens on the Old
Bailey; one side of which is plentifully garnished with a choice
collection of heavy sets of irons, including those worn by the
redoubtable Jack Sheppard - genuine; and those SAID to have been
graced by the sturdy limbs of the no less celebrated Dick Turpin -
doubtful.  From this lodge, a heavy oaken gate, bound with iron,
studded with nails of the same material, and guarded by another
turnkey, opens on a few steps, if we remember right, which
terminate in a narrow and dismal stone passage, running parallel
with the Old Bailey, and leading to the different yards, through a
number of tortuous and intricate windings, guarded in their turn by
huge gates and gratings, whose appearance is sufficient to dispel
at once the slightest hope of escape that any new-comer may have
entertained; and the very recollection of which, on eventually
traversing the place again, involves one in a maze of confusion.

It is necessary to explain here, that the buildings in the prison,
or in other words the different wards - form a square, of which the
four sides abut respectively on the Old Bailey, the old College of
Physicians (now forming a part of Newgate-market), the Sessions-
house, and Newgate-street.  The intermediate space is divided into
several paved yards, in which the prisoners take such air and
exercise as can be had in such a place.  These yards, with the
exception of that in which prisoners under sentence of death are
confined (of which we shall presently give a more detailed
description), run parallel with Newgate-street, and consequently
from the Old Bailey, as it were, to Newgate-market.  The women's
side is in the right wing of the prison nearest the Sessions-house.
As we were introduced into this part of the building first, we will
adopt the same order, and introduce our readers to it also.

Turning to the right, then, down the passage to which we just now
adverted, omitting any mention of intervening gates - for if we
noticed every gate that was unlocked for us to pass through, and
locked again as soon as we had passed, we should require a gate at
every comma - we came to a door composed of thick bars of wood,
through which were discernible, passing to and fro in a narrow
yard, some twenty women:  the majority of whom, however, as soon as
they were aware of the presence of strangers, retreated to their
wards.  One side of this yard is railed off at a considerable
distance, and formed into a kind of iron cage, about five feet ten
inches in height, roofed at the top, and defended in front by iron
bars, from which the friends of the female prisoners communicate
with them.  In one corner of this singular-looking den, was a
yellow, haggard, decrepit old woman, in a tattered gown that had
once been black, and the remains of an old straw bonnet, with faded
ribbon of the same hue, in earnest conversation with a young girl -
a prisoner, of course - of about two-and-twenty.  It is impossible
to imagine a more poverty-stricken object, or a creature so borne
down in soul and body, by excess of misery and destitution, as the
old woman.  The girl was a good-looking, robust female, with a
profusion of hair streaming about in the wind - for she had no
bonnet on - and a man's silk pocket-handkerchief loosely thrown
over a most ample pair of shoulders.  The old woman was talking in
that low, stifled tone of voice which tells so forcibly of mental
anguish; and every now and then burst into an irrepressible sharp,
abrupt cry of grief, the most distressing sound that ears can hear.
The girl was perfectly unmoved.  Hardened beyond all hope of
redemption, she listened doggedly to her mother's entreaties,
whatever they were:  and, beyond inquiring after 'Jem,' and eagerly
catching at the few halfpence her miserable parent had brought her,
took no more apparent interest in the conversation than the most
unconcerned spectators.  Heaven knows there were enough of them, in
the persons of the other prisoners in the yard, who were no more
concerned by what was passing before their eyes, and within their
hearing, than if they were blind and deaf.  Why should they be?
Inside the prison, and out, such scenes were too familiar to them,
to excite even a passing thought, unless of ridicule or contempt
for feelings which they had long since forgotten.

A little farther on, a squalid-looking woman in a slovenly, thick-
bordered cap, with her arms muffled in a large red shawl, the
fringed ends of which straggled nearly to the bottom of a dirty
white apron, was communicating some instructions to HER visitor -
her daughter evidently.  The girl was thinly clad, and shaking with
the cold.  Some ordinary word of recognition passed between her and
her mother when she appeared at the grating, but neither hope,
condolence, regret, nor affection was expressed on either side.
The mother whispered her instructions, and the girl received them
with her pinched-up, half-starved features twisted into an
expression of careful cunning.  It was some scheme for the woman's
defence that she was disclosing, perhaps; and a sullen smile came
over the girl's face for an instant, as if she were pleased:  not
so much at the probability of her mother's liberation, as at the
chance of her 'getting off' in spite of her prosecutors.  The
dialogue was soon concluded; and with the same careless
indifference with which they had approached each other, the mother
turned towards the inner end of the yard, and the girl to the gate
at which she had entered.

The girl belonged to a class - unhappily but too extensive - the
very existence of which, should make men's hearts bleed.  Barely
past her childhood, it required but a glance to discover that she
was one of those children, born and bred in neglect and vice, who
have never known what childhood is:  who have never been taught to
love and court a parent's smile, or to dread a parent's frown.  The
thousand nameless endearments of childhood, its gaiety and its
innocence, are alike unknown to them.  They have entered at once
upon the stern realities and miseries of life, and to their better
nature it is almost hopeless to appeal in after-times, by any of
the references which will awaken, if it be only for a moment, some
good feeling in ordinary bosoms, however corrupt they may have
become.  Talk to THEM of parental solicitude, the happy days of
childhood, and the merry games of infancy!  Tell them of hunger and
the streets, beggary and stripes, the gin-shop, the station-house,
and the pawnbroker's, and they will understand you.

Two or three women were standing at different parts of the grating,
conversing with their friends, but a very large proportion of the
prisoners appeared to have no friends at all, beyond such of their
old companions as might happen to be within the walls.  So, passing
hastily down the yard, and pausing only for an instant to notice
the little incidents we have just recorded, we were conducted up a
clean and well-lighted flight of stone stairs to one of the wards.
There are several in this part of the building, but a description
of one is a description of the whole.

It was a spacious, bare, whitewashed apartment, lighted, of course,
by windows looking into the interior of the prison, but far more
light and airy than one could reasonably expect to find in such a
situation.  There was a large fire with a deal table before it,
round which ten or a dozen women were seated on wooden forms at
dinner.  Along both sides of the room ran a shelf; below it, at
regular intervals, a row of large hooks were fixed in the wall, on
each of which was hung the sleeping mat of a prisoner:  her rug and
blanket being folded up, and placed on the shelf above.  At night,
these mats are placed on the floor, each beneath the hook on which
it hangs during the day; and the ward is thus made to answer the
purposes both of a day-room and sleeping apartment.  Over the
fireplace, was a large sheet of pasteboard, on which were displayed
a variety of texts from Scripture, which were also scattered about
the room in scraps about the size and shape of the copy-slips which
are used in schools.  On the table was a sufficient provision of a
kind of stewed beef and brown bread, in pewter dishes, which are
kept perfectly bright, and displayed on shelves in great order and
regularity when they are not in use.

The women rose hastily, on our entrance, and retired in a hurried
manner to either side of the fireplace.  They were all cleanly -
many of them decently - attired, and there was nothing peculiar,
either in their appearance or demeanour.  One or two resumed the
needlework which they had probably laid aside at the commencement
of their meal; others gazed at the visitors with listless
curiosity; and a few retired behind their companions to the very
end of the room, as if desirous to avoid even the casual
observation of the strangers.  Some old Irish women, both in this
and other wards, to whom the thing was no novelty, appeared
perfectly indifferent to our presence, and remained standing close
to the seats from which they had just risen; but the general
feeling among the females seemed to be one of uneasiness during the
period of our stay among them:  which was very brief.  Not a word
was uttered during the time of our remaining, unless, indeed, by
the wardswoman in reply to some question which we put to the
turnkey who accompanied us.  In every ward on the female side, a
wardswoman is appointed to preserve order, and a similar regulation
is adopted among the males.  The wardsmen and wardswomen are all
prisoners, selected for good conduct.  They alone are allowed the
privilege of sleeping on bedsteads; a small stump bedstead being
placed in every ward for that purpose.  On both sides of the gaol,
is a small receiving-room, to which prisoners are conducted on
their first reception, and whence they cannot be removed until they
have been examined by the surgeon of the prison. (2)

Retracing our steps to the dismal passage in which we found
ourselves at first (and which, by-the-bye, contains three or four
dark cells for the accommodation of refractory prisoners), we were
led through a narrow yard to the 'school' - a portion of the prison
set apart for boys under fourteen years of age.  In a tolerable-
sized room, in which were writing-materials and some copy-books,
was the schoolmaster, with a couple of his pupils; the remainder
having been fetched from an adjoining apartment, the whole were
drawn up in line for our inspection.  There were fourteen of them
in all, some with shoes, some without; some in pinafores without
jackets, others in jackets without pinafores, and one in scarce
anything at all.  The whole number, without an exception we
believe, had been committed for trial on charges of pocket-picking;
and fourteen such terrible little faces we never beheld. - There
was not one redeeming feature among them - not a glance of honesty
- not a wink expressive of anything but the gallows and the hulks,
in the whole collection.  As to anything like shame or contrition,
that was entirely out of the question.  They were evidently quite
gratified at being thought worth the trouble of looking at; their
idea appeared to be, that we had come to see Newgate as a grand
affair, and that they were an indispensable part of the show; and
every boy as he 'fell in' to the line, actually seemed as pleased
and important as if he had done something excessively meritorious
in getting there at all.  We never looked upon a more disagreeable
sight, because we never saw fourteen such hopeless creatures of
neglect, before.

On either side of the school-yard is a yard for men, in one of
which - that towards Newgate-street - prisoners of the more
respectable class are confined.  Of the other, we have little
description to offer, as the different wards necessarily partake of
the same character.  They are provided, like the wards on the
women's side, with mats and rugs, which are disposed of in the same
manner during the day; the only very striking difference between
their appearance and that of the wards inhabited by the females, is
the utter absence of any employment.  Huddled together on two
opposite forms, by the fireside, sit twenty men perhaps; here, a
boy in livery; there, a man in a rough great-coat and top-boots;
farther on, a desperate-looking fellow in his shirt-sleeves, with
an old Scotch cap upon his shaggy head; near him again, a tall
ruffian, in a smock-frock; next to him, a miserable being of
distressed appearance, with his head resting on his hand; - all
alike in one respect, all idle and listless.  When they do leave
the fire, sauntering moodily about, lounging in the window, or
leaning against the wall, vacantly swinging their bodies to and
fro.  With the exception of a man reading an old newspaper, in two
or three instances, this was the case in every ward we entered.

The only communication these men have with their friends, is
through two close iron gratings, with an intermediate space of
about a yard in width between the two, so that nothing can be
handed across, nor can the prisoner have any communication by touch
with the person who visits him.  The married men have a separate
grating, at which to see their wives, but its construction is the
same.

The prison chapel is situated at the back of the governor's house:
the latter having no windows looking into the interior of the
prison.  Whether the associations connected with the place - the
knowledge that here a portion of the burial service is, on some
dreadful occasions, performed over the quick and not upon the dead
- cast over it a still more gloomy and sombre air than art has
imparted to it, we know not, but its appearance is very striking.
There is something in a silent and deserted place of worship,
solemn and impressive at any time; and the very dissimilarity of
this one from any we have been accustomed to, only enhances the
impression.  The meanness of its appointments - the bare and scanty
pulpit, with the paltry painted pillars on either side - the
women's gallery with its great heavy curtain - the men's with its
unpainted benches and dingy front - the tottering little table at
the altar, with the commandments on the wall above it, scarcely
legible through lack of paint, and dust and damp - so unlike the
velvet and gilding, the marble and wood, of a modern church - are
strange and striking.  There is one object, too, which rivets the
attention and fascinates the gaze, and from which we may turn
horror-stricken in vain, for the recollection of it will haunt us,
waking and sleeping, for a long time afterwards.  Immediately below
the reading-desk, on the floor of the chapel, and forming the most
conspicuous object in its little area, is THE CONDEMNED PEW; a huge
black pen, in which the wretched people, who are singled out for
death, are placed on the Sunday preceding their execution, in sight
of all their fellow-prisoners, from many of whom they may have been
separated but a week before, to hear prayers for their own souls,
to join in the responses of their own burial service, and to listen
to an address, warning their recent companions to take example by
their fate, and urging themselves, while there is yet time - nearly
four-and-twenty hours - to 'turn, and flee from the wrath to come!'
Imagine what have been the feelings of the men whom that fearful
pew has enclosed, and of whom, between the gallows and the knife,
no mortal remnant may now remain!  Think of the hopeless clinging
to life to the last, and the wild despair, far exceeding in anguish
the felon's death itself, by which they have heard the certainty of
their speedy transmission to another world, with all their crimes
upon their heads, rung into their ears by the officiating
clergyman!

At one time - and at no distant period either - the coffins of the
men about to be executed, were placed in that pew, upon the seat by
their side, during the whole service.  It may seem incredible, but
it is true.  Let us hope that the increased spirit of civilisation
and humanity which abolished this frightful and degrading custom,
may extend itself to other usages equally barbarous; usages which
have not even the plea of utility in their defence, as every year's
experience has shown them to be more and more inefficacious.

Leaving the chapel, descending to the passage so frequently alluded
to, and crossing the yard before noticed as being allotted to
prisoners of a more respectable description than the generality of
men confined here, the visitor arrives at a thick iron gate of
great size and strength.  Having been admitted through it by the
turnkey on duty, he turns sharp round to the left, and pauses
before another gate; and, having passed this last barrier, he
stands in the most terrible part of this gloomy building - the
condemned ward.

The press-yard, well known by name to newspaper readers, from its
frequent mention in accounts of executions, is at the corner of the
building, and next to the ordinary's house, in Newgate-street:
running from Newgate-street, towards the centre of the prison,
parallel with Newgate-market.  It is a long, narrow court, of which
a portion of the wall in Newgate-street forms one end, and the gate
the other.  At the upper end, on the left hand - that is, adjoining
the wall in Newgate-street - is a cistern of water, and at the
bottom a double grating (of which the gate itself forms a part)
similar to that before described.  Through these grates the
prisoners are allowed to see their friends; a turnkey always
remaining in the vacant space between, during the whole interview.
Immediately on the right as you enter, is a building containing the
press-room, day-room, and cells; the yard is on every side
surrounded by lofty walls guarded by CHEVAUX DE FRISE; and the
whole is under the constant inspection of vigilant and experienced
turnkeys.

In the first apartment into which we were conducted - which was at
the top of a staircase, and immediately over the press-room - were
five-and-twenty or thirty prisoners, all under sentence of death,
awaiting the result of the recorder's report - men of all ages and
appearances, from a hardened old offender with swarthy face and
grizzly beard of three days' growth, to a handsome boy, not
fourteen years old, and of singularly youthful appearance even for
that age, who had been condemned for burglary.  There was nothing
remarkable in the appearance of these prisoners.  One or two
decently-dressed men were brooding with a dejected air over the
fire; several little groups of two or three had been engaged in
conversation at the upper end of the room, or in the windows; and
the remainder were crowded round a young man seated at a table, who
appeared to be engaged in teaching the younger ones to write.  The
room was large, airy, and clean.  There was very little anxiety or
mental suffering depicted in the countenance of any of the men; -
they had all been sentenced to death, it is true, and the
recorder's report had not yet been made; but, we question whether
there was a man among them, notwithstanding, who did not KNOW that
although he had undergone the ceremony, it never was intended that
his life should be sacrificed.  On the table lay a Testament, but
there were no tokens of its having been in recent use.

In the press-room below, were three men, the nature of whose
offence rendered it necessary to separate them, even from their
companions in guilt.  It is a long, sombre room, with two windows
sunk into the stone wall, and here the wretched men are pinioned on
the morning of their execution, before moving towards the scaffold.
The fate of one of these prisoners was uncertain; some mitigatory
circumstances having come to light since his trial, which had been
humanely represented in the proper quarter.  The other two had
nothing to expect from the mercy of the crown; their doom was
sealed; no plea could be urged in extenuation of their crime, and
they well knew that for them there was no hope in this world.  'The
two short ones,' the turnkey whispered, 'were dead men.'

The man to whom we have alluded as entertaining some hopes of
escape, was lounging, at the greatest distance he could place
between himself and his companions, in the window nearest to the
door.  He was probably aware of our approach, and had assumed an
air of courageous indifference; his face was purposely averted
towards the window, and he stirred not an inch while we were
present.  The other two men were at the upper end of the room.  One
of them, who was imperfectly seen in the dim light, had his back
towards us, and was stooping over the fire, with his right arm on
the mantel-piece, and his head sunk upon it.  The other was leaning
on the sill of the farthest window.  The light fell full upon him,
and communicated to his pale, haggard face, and disordered hair, an
appearance which, at that distance, was ghastly.  His cheek rested
upon his hand; and, with his face a little raised, and his eyes
wildly staring before him, he seemed to be unconsciously intent on
counting the chinks in the opposite wall.  We passed this room
again afterwards.  The first man was pacing up and down the court
with a firm military step - he had been a soldier in the foot-
guards - and a cloth cap jauntily thrown on one side of his head.
He bowed respectfully to our conductor, and the salute was
returned.  The other two still remained in the positions we have
described, and were as motionless as statues. (3)

A few paces up the yard, and forming a continuation of the
building, in which are the two rooms we have just quitted, lie the
condemned cells.  The entrance is by a narrow and obscure stair-
case leading to a dark passage, in which a charcoal stove casts a
lurid tint over the objects in its immediate vicinity, and diffuses
something like warmth around.  From the left-hand side of this
passage, the massive door of every cell on the story opens; and
from it alone can they be approached.  There are three of these
passages, and three of these ranges of cells, one above the other;
but in size, furniture and appearance, they are all precisely
alike.  Prior to the recorder's report being made, all the
prisoners under sentence of death are removed from the day-room at
five o'clock in the afternoon, and locked up in these cells, where
they are allowed a candle until ten o'clock; and here they remain
until seven next morning.  When the warrant for a prisoner's
execution arrives, he is removed to the cells and confined in one
of them until he leaves it for the scaffold.  He is at liberty to
walk in the yard; but, both in his walks and in his cell, he is
constantly attended by a turnkey who never leaves him on any
pretence.

We entered the first cell.  It was a stone dungeon, eight feet long
by six wide, with a bench at the upper end, under which were a
common rug, a bible, and prayer-book.  An iron candlestick was
fixed into the wall at the side; and a small high window in the
back admitted as much air and light as could struggle in between a
double row of heavy, crossed iron bars.  It contained no other
furniture of any description.

Conceive the situation of a man, spending his last night on earth
in this cell.  Buoyed up with some vague and undefined hope of
reprieve, he knew not why - indulging in some wild and visionary
idea of escaping, he knew not how - hour after hour of the three
preceding days allowed him for preparation, has fled with a speed
which no man living would deem possible, for none but this dying
man can know.  He has wearied his friends with entreaties,
exhausted the attendants with importunities, neglected in his
feverish restlessness the timely warnings of his spiritual
consoler; and, now that the illusion is at last dispelled, now that
eternity is before him and guilt behind, now that his fears of
death amount almost to madness, and an overwhelming sense of his
helpless, hopeless state rushes upon him, he is lost and stupefied,
and has neither thoughts to turn to, nor power to call upon, the
Almighty Being, from whom alone he can seek mercy and forgiveness,
and before whom his repentance can alone avail.

Hours have glided by, and still he sits upon the same stone bench
with folded arms, heedless alike of the fast decreasing time before
him, and the urgent entreaties of the good man at his side.  The
feeble light is wasting gradually, and the deathlike stillness of
the street without, broken only by the rumbling of some passing
vehicle which echoes mournfully through the empty yards, warns him
that the night is waning fast away.  The deep bell of St. Paul's
strikes - one!  He heard it; it has roused him.  Seven hours left!
He paces the narrow limits of his cell with rapid strides, cold
drops of terror starting on his forehead, and every muscle of his
frame quivering with agony.  Seven hours!  He suffers himself to be
led to his seat, mechanically takes the bible which is placed in
his hand, and tries to read and listen.  No:  his thoughts will
wander.  The book is torn and soiled by use - and like the book he
read his lessons in, at school, just forty years ago!  He has never
bestowed a thought upon it, perhaps, since he left it as a child:
and yet the place, the time, the room - nay, the very boys he
played with, crowd as vividly before him as if they were scenes of
yesterday; and some forgotten phrase, some childish word, rings in
his ears like the echo of one uttered but a minute since.  The
voice of the clergyman recalls him to himself.  He is reading from
the sacred book its solemn promises of pardon for repentance, and
its awful denunciation of obdurate men.  He falls upon his knees
and clasps his hands to pray.  Hush! what sound was that?  He
starts upon his feet.  It cannot be two yet.  Hark!  Two quarters
have struck;  - the third - the fourth.  It is!  Six hours left.
Tell him not of repentance!  Six hours' repentance for eight times
six years of guilt and sin!  He buries his face in his hands, and
throws himself on the bench.

Worn with watching and excitement, he sleeps, and the same
unsettled state of mind pursues him in his dreams.  An
insupportable load is taken from his breast; he is walking with his
wife in a pleasant field, with the bright sky above them, and a
fresh and boundless prospect on every side - how different from the
stone walls of Newgate!  She is looking - not as she did when he
saw her for the last time in that dreadful place, but as she used
when he loved her - long, long ago, before misery and ill-treatment
had altered her looks, and vice had changed his nature, and she is
leaning upon his arm, and looking up into his face with tenderness
and affection - and he does NOT strike her now, nor rudely shake
her from him.  And oh! how glad he is to tell her all he had
forgotten in that last hurried interview, and to fall on his knees
before her and fervently beseech her pardon for all the unkindness
and cruelty that wasted her form and broke her heart!  The scene
suddenly changes.  He is on his trial again:  there are the judge
and jury, and prosecutors, and witnesses, just as they were before.
How full the court is - what a sea of heads - with a gallows, too,
and a scaffold - and how all those people stare at HIM!  Verdict,
'Guilty.'  No matter; he will escape.

The night is dark and cold, the gates have been left open, and in
an instant he is in the street, flying from the scene of his
imprisonment like the wind.  The streets are cleared, the open
fields are gained and the broad, wide country lies before him.
Onward he dashes in the midst of darkness, over hedge and ditch,
through mud and pool, bounding from spot to spot with a speed and
lightness, astonishing even to himself.  At length he pauses; he
must be safe from pursuit now; he will stretch himself on that bank
and sleep till sunrise.

A period of unconsciousness succeeds.  He wakes, cold and wretched.
The dull, gray light of morning is stealing into the cell, and
falls upon the form of the attendant turnkey.  Confused by his
dreams, he starts from his uneasy bed in momentary uncertainty.  It
is but momentary.  Every object in the narrow cell is too
frightfully real to admit of doubt or mistake.  He is the condemned
felon again, guilty and despairing; and in two hours more will be
dead.




CHARACTERS




CHAPTER I - THOUGHTS ABOUT PEOPLE



It is strange with how little notice, good, bad, or indifferent, a
man may live and die in London.  He awakens no sympathy in the
breast of any single person; his existence is a matter of interest
to no one save himself; he cannot be said to be forgotten when he
dies, for no one remembered him when he was alive.  There is a
numerous class of people in this great metropolis who seem not to
possess a single friend, and whom nobody appears to care for.
Urged by imperative necessity in the first instance, they have
resorted to London in search of employment, and the means of
subsistence.  It is hard, we know, to break the ties which bind us
to our homes and friends, and harder still to efface the thousand
recollections of happy days and old times, which have been
slumbering in our bosoms for years, and only rush upon the mind, to
bring before it associations connected with the friends we have
left, the scenes we have beheld too probably for the last time, and
the hopes we once cherished, but may entertain no more.  These men,
however, happily for themselves, have long forgotten such thoughts.
Old country friends have died or emigrated; former correspondents
have become lost, like themselves, in the crowd and turmoil of some
busy city; and they have gradually settled down into mere passive
creatures of habit and endurance.

We were seated in the enclosure of St. James's Park the other day,
when our attention was attracted by a man whom we immediately put
down in our own mind as one of this class.  He was a tall, thin,
pale person, in a black coat, scanty gray trousers, little pinched-
up gaiters, and brown beaver gloves.  He had an umbrella in his
hand - not for use, for the day was fine - but, evidently, because
he always carried one to the office in the morning.  He walked up
and down before the little patch of grass on which the chairs are
placed for hire, not as if he were doing it for pleasure or
recreation, but as if it were a matter of compulsion, just as he
would walk to the office every morning from the back settlements of
Islington.  It was Monday; he had escaped for four-and-twenty hours
from the thraldom of the desk; and was walking here for exercise
and amusement - perhaps for the first time in his life.  We were
inclined to think he had never had a holiday before, and that he
did not know what to do with himself.  Children were playing on the
grass; groups of people were loitering about, chatting and
laughing; but the man walked steadily up and down, unheeding and
unheeded his spare, pale face looking as if it were incapable of
bearing the expression of curiosity or interest.

There was something in the man's manner and appearance which told
us, we fancied, his whole life, or rather his whole day, for a man
of this sort has no variety of days.  We thought we almost saw the
dingy little back office into which he walks every morning, hanging
his hat on the same peg, and placing his legs beneath the same
desk:  first, taking off that black coat which lasts the year
through, and putting on the one which did duty last year, and which
he keeps in his desk to save the other.  There he sits till five
o'clock, working on, all day, as regularly as the dial over the
mantel-piece, whose loud ticking is as monotonous as his whole
existence:  only raising his head when some one enters the
counting-house, or when, in the midst of some difficult
calculation, he looks up to the ceiling as if there were
inspiration in the dusty skylight with a green knot in the centre
of every pane of glass.  About five, or half-past, he slowly
dismounts from his accustomed stool, and again changing his coat,
proceeds to his usual dining-place, somewhere near Bucklersbury.
The waiter recites the bill of fare in a rather confidential manner
- for he is a regular customer - and after inquiring 'What's in the
best cut?' and 'What was up last?' he orders a small plate of roast
beef, with greens, and half-a-pint of porter.  He has a small plate
to-day, because greens are a penny more than potatoes, and he had
'two breads' yesterday, with the additional enormity of 'a cheese'
the day before.  This important point settled, he hangs up his hat
- he took it off the moment he sat down - and bespeaks the paper
after the next gentleman.  If he can get it while he is at dinner,
he eats with much greater zest; balancing it against the water-
bottle, and eating a bit of beef, and reading a line or two,
alternately.  Exactly at five minutes before the hour is up, he
produces a shilling, pays the reckoning, carefully deposits the
change in his waistcoat-pocket (first deducting a penny for the
waiter), and returns to the office, from which, if it is not
foreign post night, he again sallies forth, in about half an hour.
He then walks home, at his usual pace, to his little back room at
Islington, where he has his tea; perhaps solacing himself during
the meal with the conversation of his landlady's little boy, whom
he occasionally rewards with a penny, for solving problems in
simple addition.  Sometimes, there is a letter or two to take up to
his employer's, in Russell-square; and then, the wealthy man of
business, hearing his voice, calls out from the dining-parlour, -
'Come in, Mr. Smith:' and Mr. Smith, putting his hat at the feet of
one of the hall chairs, walks timidly in, and being condescendingly
desired to sit down, carefully tucks his legs under his chair, and
sits at a considerable distance from the table while he drinks the
glass of sherry which is poured out for him by the eldest boy, and
after drinking which, he backs and slides out of the room, in a
state of nervous agitation from which he does not perfectly
recover, until he finds himself once more in the Islington-road.
Poor, harmless creatures such men are; contented but not happy;
broken-spirited and humbled, they may feel no pain, but they never
know pleasure.

Compare these men with another class of beings who, like them, have
neither friend nor companion, but whose position in society is the
result of their own choice.  These are generally old fellows with
white heads and red faces, addicted to port wine and Hessian boots,
who from some cause, real or imaginary - generally the former, the
excellent reason being that they are rich, and their relations poor
- grow suspicious of everybody, and do the misanthropical in
chambers, taking great delight in thinking themselves unhappy, and
making everybody they come near, miserable.  You may see such men
as these, anywhere; you will know them at coffee-houses by their
discontented exclamations and the luxury of their dinners; at
theatres, by their always sitting in the same place and looking
with a jaundiced eye on all the young people near them; at church,
by the pomposity with which they enter, and the loud tone in which
they repeat the responses; at parties, by their getting cross at
whist and hating music.  An old fellow of this kind will have his
chambers splendidly furnished, and collect books, plate, and
pictures about him in profusion; not so much for his own
gratification, as to be superior to those who have the desire, but
not the means, to compete with him.  He belongs to two or three
clubs, and is envied, and flattered, and hated by the members of
them all.  Sometimes he will be appealed to by a poor relation - a
married nephew perhaps - for some little assistance:  and then he
will declaim with honest indignation on the improvidence of young
married people, the worthlessness of a wife, the insolence of
having a family, the atrocity of getting into debt with a hundred
and twenty-five pounds a year, and other unpardonable crimes;
winding up his exhortations with a complacent review of his own
conduct, and a delicate allusion to parochial relief.  He dies,
some day after dinner, of apoplexy, having bequeathed his property
to a Public Society, and the Institution erects a tablet to his
memory, expressive of their admiration of his Christian conduct in
this world, and their comfortable conviction of his happiness in
the next.

But, next to our very particular friends, hackney-coachmen, cabmen
and cads, whom we admire in proportion to the extent of their cool
impudence and perfect self-possession, there is no class of people
who amuse us more than London apprentices.  They are no longer an
organised body, bound down by solemn compact to terrify his
Majesty's subjects whenever it pleases them to take offence in
their heads and staves in their hands.  They are only bound, now,
by indentures, and, as to their valour, it is easily restrained by
the wholesome dread of the New Police, and a perspective view of a
damp station-house, terminating in a police-office and a reprimand.
They are still, however, a peculiar class, and not the less
pleasant for being inoffensive.  Can any one fail to have noticed
them in the streets on Sunday?  And were there ever such harmless
efforts at the grand and magnificent as the young fellows display!
We walked down the Strand, a Sunday or two ago, behind a little
group; and they furnished food for our amusement the whole way.
They had come out of some part of the city; it was between three
and four o'clock in the afternoon; and they were on their way to
the Park.  There were four of them, all arm-in-arm, with white kid
gloves like so many bridegrooms, light trousers of unprecedented
patterns, and coats for which the English language has yet no name
- a kind of cross between a great-coat and a surtout, with the
collar of the one, the skirts of the other, and pockets peculiar to
themselves.

Each of the gentlemen carried a thick stick, with a large tassel at
the top, which he occasionally twirled gracefully round; and the
whole four, by way of looking easy and unconcerned, were walking
with a paralytic swagger irresistibly ludicrous.  One of the party
had a watch about the size and shape of a reasonable Ribstone
pippin, jammed into his waistcoat-pocket, which he carefully
compared with the clocks at St. Clement's and the New Church, the
illuminated clock at Exeter 'Change, the clock of St. Martin's
Church, and the clock of the Horse Guards.  When they at last
arrived in St. James's Park, the member of the party who had the
best-made boots on, hired a second chair expressly for his feet,
and flung himself on this two-pennyworth of sylvan luxury with an
air which levelled all distinctions between Brookes's and Snooks's,
Crockford's and Bagnigge Wells.

We may smile at such people, but they can never excite our anger.
They are usually on the best terms with themselves, and it follows
almost as a matter of course, in good humour with every one about
them.  Besides, they are always the faint reflection of higher
lights; and, if they do display a little occasional foolery in
their own proper persons, it is surely more tolerable than
precocious puppyism in the Quadrant, whiskered dandyism in Regent-
street and Pall-mall, or gallantry in its dotage anywhere.



CHAPTER II - A CHRISTMAS DINNER



Christmas time!  That man must be a misanthrope indeed, in whose
breast something like a jovial feeling is not roused - in whose
mind some pleasant associations are not awakened - by the
recurrence of Christmas.  There are people who will tell you that
Christmas is not to them what it used to be; that each succeeding
Christmas has found some cherished hope, or happy prospect, of the
year before, dimmed or passed away; that the present only serves to
remind them of reduced circumstances and straitened incomes - of
the feasts they once bestowed on hollow friends, and of the cold
looks that meet them now, in adversity and misfortune.  Never heed
such dismal reminiscences.  There are few men who have lived long
enough in the world, who cannot call up such thoughts any day in
the year.  Then do not select the merriest of the three hundred and
sixty-five for your doleful recollections, but draw your chair
nearer the blazing fire - fill the glass and send round the song -
and if your room be smaller than it was a dozen years ago, or if
your glass be filled with reeking punch, instead of sparkling wine,
put a good face on the matter, and empty it off-hand, and fill
another, and troll off the old ditty you used to sing, and thank
God it's no worse.  Look on the merry faces of your children (if
you have any) as they sit round the fire.  One little seat may be
empty; one slight form that gladdened the father's heart, and
roused the mother's pride to look upon, may not be there.  Dwell
not upon the past; think not that one short year ago, the fair
child now resolving into dust, sat before you, with the bloom of
health upon its cheek, and the gaiety of infancy in its joyous eye.
Reflect upon your present blessings - of which every man has many -
not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some.  Fill
your glass again, with a merry face and contented heart.  Our life
on it, but your Christmas shall be merry, and your new year a happy
one!

Who can be insensible to the outpourings of good feeling, and the
honest interchange of affectionate attachment, which abound at this
season of the year?  A Christmas family-party!  We know nothing in
nature more delightful!  There seems a magic in the very name of
Christmas.  Petty jealousies and discords are forgotten; social
feelings are awakened, in bosoms to which they have long been
strangers; father and son, or brother and sister, who have met and
passed with averted gaze, or a look of cold recognition, for months
before, proffer and return the cordial embrace, and bury their past
animosities in their present happiness.  Kindly hearts that have
yearned towards each other, but have been withheld by false notions
of pride and self-dignity, are again reunited, and all is kindness
and benevolence!  Would that Christmas lasted the whole year
through (as it ought), and that the prejudices and passions which
deform our better nature, were never called into action among those
to whom they should ever be strangers!

The Christmas family-party that we mean, is not a mere assemblage
of relations, got up at a week or two's notice, originating this
year, having no family precedent in the last, and not likely to be
repeated in the next.  No.  It is an annual gathering of all the
accessible members of the family, young or old, rich or poor; and
all the children look forward to it, for two months beforehand, in
a fever of anticipation.  Formerly, it was held at grandpapa's; but
grandpapa getting old, and grandmamma getting old too, and rather
infirm, they have given up house-keeping, and domesticated
themselves with uncle George; so, the party always takes place at
uncle George's house, but grandmamma sends in most of the good
things, and grandpapa always WILL toddle down, all the way to
Newgate-market, to buy the turkey, which he engages a porter to
bring home behind him in triumph, always insisting on the man's
being rewarded with a glass of spirits, over and above his hire, to
drink 'a merry Christmas and a happy new year' to aunt George.  As
to grandmamma, she is very secret and mysterious for two or three
days beforehand, but not sufficiently so, to prevent rumours
getting afloat that she has purchased a beautiful new cap with pink
ribbons for each of the servants, together with sundry books, and
pen-knives, and pencil-cases, for the younger branches; to say
nothing of divers secret additions to the order originally given by
aunt George at the pastry-cook's, such as another dozen of mince-
pies for the dinner, and a large plum-cake for the children.

On Christmas-eve, grandmamma is always in excellent spirits, and
after employing all the children, during the day, in stoning the
plums, and all that, insists, regularly every year, on uncle George
coming down into the kitchen, taking off his coat, and stirring the
pudding for half an hour or so, which uncle George good-humouredly
does, to the vociferous delight of the children and servants.  The
evening concludes with a glorious game of blind-man's-buff, in an
early stage of which grandpapa takes great care to be caught, in
order that he may have an opportunity of displaying his dexterity.

On the following morning, the old couple, with as many of the
children as the pew will hold, go to church in great state:
leaving aunt George at home dusting decanters and filling casters,
and uncle George carrying bottles into the dining-parlour, and
calling for corkscrews, and getting into everybody's way.

When the church-party return to lunch, grandpapa produces a small
sprig of mistletoe from his pocket, and tempts the boys to kiss
their little cousins under it - a proceeding which affords both the
boys and the old gentleman unlimited satisfaction, but which rather
outrages grandmamma's ideas of decorum, until grandpapa says, that
when he was just thirteen years and three months old, HE kissed
grandmamma under a mistletoe too, on which the children clap their
hands, and laugh very heartily, as do aunt George and uncle George;
and grandmamma looks pleased, and says, with a benevolent smile,
that grandpapa was an impudent young dog, on which the children
laugh very heartily again, and grandpapa more heartily than any of
them.

But all these diversions are nothing to the subsequent excitement
when grandmamma in a high cap, and slate-coloured silk gown; and
grandpapa with a beautifully plaited shirt-frill, and white
neckerchief; seat themselves on one side of the drawing-room fire,
with uncle George's children and little cousins innumerable, seated
in the front, waiting the arrival of the expected visitors.
Suddenly a hackney-coach is heard to stop, and uncle George, who
has been looking out of the window, exclaims 'Here's Jane!' on
which the children rush to the door, and helter-skelter down-
stairs; and uncle Robert and aunt Jane, and the dear little baby,
and the nurse, and the whole party, are ushered up-stairs amidst
tumultuous shouts of 'Oh, my!' from the children, and frequently
repeated warnings not to hurt baby from the nurse.  And grandpapa
takes the child, and grandmamma kisses her daughter, and the
confusion of this first entry has scarcely subsided, when some
other aunts and uncles with more cousins arrive, and the grown-up
cousins flirt with each other, and so do the little cousins too,
for that matter, and nothing is to be heard but a confused din of
talking, laughing, and merriment.

A hesitating double knock at the street-door, heard during a
momentary pause in the conversation, excites a general inquiry of
'Who's that?' and two or three children, who have been standing at
the window, announce in a low voice, that it's 'poor aunt
Margaret.'  Upon which, aunt George leaves the room to welcome the
new-comer; and grandmamma draws herself up, rather stiff and
stately; for Margaret married a poor man without her consent, and
poverty not being a sufficiently weighty punishment for her
offence, has been discarded by her friends, and debarred the
society of her dearest relatives.  But Christmas has come round,
and the unkind feelings that have struggled against better
dispositions during the year, have melted away before its genial
influence, like half-formed ice beneath the morning sun.  It is not
difficult in a moment of angry feeling for a parent to denounce a
disobedient child; but, to banish her at a period of general good-
will and hilarity, from the hearth, round which she has sat on so
many anniversaries of the same day, expanding by slow degrees from
infancy to girlhood, and then bursting, almost imperceptibly, into
a woman, is widely different.  The air of conscious rectitude, and
cold forgiveness, which the old lady has assumed, sits ill upon
her; and when the poor girl is led in by her sister, pale in looks
and broken in hope - not from poverty, for that she could bear, but
from the consciousness of undeserved neglect, and unmerited
unkindness - it is easy to see how much of it is assumed.  A
momentary pause succeeds; the girl breaks suddenly from her sister
and throws herself, sobbing, on her mother's neck.  The father
steps hastily forward, and takes her husband's hand.  Friends crowd
round to offer their hearty congratulations, and happiness and
harmony again prevail.

As to the dinner, it's perfectly delightful - nothing goes wrong,
and everybody is in the very best of spirits, and disposed to
please and be pleased.  Grandpapa relates a circumstantial account
of the purchase of the turkey, with a slight digression relative to
the purchase of previous turkeys, on former Christmas-days, which
grandmamma corroborates in the minutest particular.  Uncle George
tells stories, and carves poultry, and takes wine, and jokes with
the children at the side-table, and winks at the cousins that are
making love, or being made love to, and exhilarates everybody with
his good humour and hospitality; and when, at last, a stout servant
staggers in with a gigantic pudding, with a sprig of holly in the
top, there is such a laughing, and shouting, and clapping of little
chubby hands, and kicking up of fat dumpy legs, as can only be
equalled by the applause with which the astonishing feat of pouring
lighted brandy into mince-pies, is received by the younger
visitors.  Then the dessert! - and the wine! - and the fun!  Such
beautiful speeches, and SUCH songs, from aunt Margaret's husband,
who turns out to be such a nice man, and SO attentive to
grandmamma!  Even grandpapa not only sings his annual song with
unprecedented vigour, but on being honoured with an unanimous
ENCORE, according to annual custom, actually comes out with a new
one which nobody but grandmamma ever heard before; and a young
scapegrace of a cousin, who has been in some disgrace with the old
people, for certain heinous sins of omission and commission -
neglecting to call, and persisting in drinking Burton Ale -
astonishes everybody into convulsions of laughter by volunteering
the most extraordinary comic songs that ever were heard.  And thus
the evening passes, in a strain of rational good-will and
cheerfulness, doing more to awaken the sympathies of every member
of the party in behalf of his neighbour, and to perpetuate their
good feeling during the ensuing year, than half the homilies that
have ever been written, by half the Divines that have ever lived.



CHAPTER III - THE NEW YEAR



Next to Christmas-day, the most pleasant annual epoch in existence
is the advent of the New Year.  There are a lachrymose set of
people who usher in the New Year with watching and fasting, as if
they were bound to attend as chief mourners at the obsequies of the
old one.  Now, we cannot but think it a great deal more
complimentary, both to the old year that has rolled away, and to
the New Year that is just beginning to dawn upon us, to see the old
fellow out, and the new one in, with gaiety and glee.

There must have been some few occurrences in the past year to which
we can look back, with a smile of cheerful recollection, if not
with a feeling of heartfelt thankfulness.  And we are bound by
every rule of justice and equity to give the New Year credit for
being a good one, until he proves himself unworthy the confidence
we repose in him.

This is our view of the matter; and entertaining it,
notwithstanding our respect for the old year, one of the few
remaining moments of whose existence passes away with every word we
write, here we are, seated by our fireside on this last night of
the old year, one thousand eight hundred and thirty-six, penning
this article with as jovial a face as if nothing extraordinary had
happened, or was about to happen, to disturb our good humour.

Hackney-coaches and carriages keep rattling up the street and down
the street in rapid succession, conveying, doubtless, smartly-
dressed coachfuls to crowded parties; loud and repeated double
knocks at the house with green blinds, opposite, announce to the
whole neighbourhood that there's one large party in the street at
all events; and we saw through the window, and through the fog too,
till it grew so thick that we rung for candles, and drew our
curtains, pastry-cooks' men with green boxes on their heads, and
rout-furniture-warehouse-carts, with cane seats and French lamps,
hurrying to the numerous houses where an annual festival is held in
honour of the occasion.

We can fancy one of these parties, we think, as well as if we were
duly dress-coated and pumped, and had just been announced at the
drawing-room door.

Take the house with the green blinds for instance.  We know it is a
quadrille party, because we saw some men taking up the front
drawing-room carpet while we sat at breakfast this morning, and if
further evidence be required, and we must tell the truth, we just
now saw one of the young ladies 'doing' another of the young
ladies' hair, near one of the bedroom windows, in an unusual style
of splendour, which nothing else but a quadrille party could
possibly justify.

The master of the house with the green blinds is in a public
office; we know the fact by the cut of his coat, the tie of his
neckcloth, and the self-satisfaction of his gait - the very green
blinds themselves have a Somerset House air about them.

Hark! - a cab!  That's a junior clerk in the same office; a tidy
sort of young man, with a tendency to cold and corns, who comes in
a pair of boots with black cloth fronts, and brings his shoes in
his coat-pocket, which shoes he is at this very moment putting on
in the hall.  Now he is announced by the man in the passage to
another man in a blue coat, who is a disguised messenger from the
office.

The man on the first landing precedes him to the drawing-room door.
'Mr. Tupple!' shouts the messenger.  'How ARE you, Tupple?' says
the master of the house, advancing from the fire, before which he
has been talking politics and airing himself.  'My dear, this is
Mr. Tupple (a courteous salute from the lady of the house); Tupple,
my eldest daughter; Julia, my dear, Mr. Tupple; Tupple, my other
daughters; my son, sir;' Tupple rubs his hands very hard, and
smiles as if it were all capital fun, and keeps constantly bowing
and turning himself round, till the whole family have been
introduced, when he glides into a chair at the corner of the sofa,
and opens a miscellaneous conversation with the young ladies upon
the weather, and the theatres, and the old year, and the last new
murder, and the balloon, and the ladies' sleeves, and the
festivities of the season, and a great many other topics of small
talk.

More double knocks! what an extensive party! what an incessant hum
of conversation and general sipping of coffee!  We see Tupple now,
in our mind's eye, in the height of his glory.  He has just handed
that stout old lady's cup to the servant; and now, he dives among
the crowd of young men by the door, to intercept the other servant,
and secure the muffin-plate for the old lady's daughter, before he
leaves the room; and now, as he passes the sofa on his way back, he
bestows a glance of recognition and patronage upon the young ladies
as condescending and familiar as if he had known them from infancy.

Charming person Mr. Tupple - perfect ladies' man -  such a
delightful companion, too!  Laugh! - nobody ever understood papa's
jokes half so well as Mr. Tupple, who laughs himself into
convulsions at every fresh burst of facetiousness.  Most delightful
partner! talks through the whole set! and although he does seem at
first rather gay and frivolous, so romantic and with so MUCH
feeling!  Quite a love.  No great favourite with the young men,
certainly, who sneer at, and affect to despise him; but everybody
knows that's only envy, and they needn't give themselves the
trouble to depreciate his merits at any rate, for Ma says he shall
be asked to every future dinner-party, if it's only to talk to
people between the courses, and distract their attention when
there's any unexpected delay in the kitchen.

At supper, Mr. Tupple shows to still greater advantage than he has
done throughout the evening, and when Pa requests every one to fill
their glasses for the purpose of drinking happiness throughout the
year, Mr. Tupple is SO droll:  insisting on all the young ladies
having their glasses filled, notwithstanding their repeated
assurances that they never can, by any possibility, think of
emptying them and subsequently begging permission to say a few
words on the sentiment which has just been uttered by Pa - when he
makes one of the most brilliant and poetical speeches that can
possibly be imagined, about the old year and the new one.  After
the toast has been drunk, and when the ladies have retired, Mr.
Tupple requests that every gentleman will do him the favour of
filling his glass, for he has a toast to propose:  on which all the
gentlemen cry 'Hear! hear!' and pass the decanters accordingly:
and Mr. Tupple being informed by the master of the house that they
are all charged, and waiting for his toast, rises, and begs to
remind the gentlemen present, how much they have been delighted by
the dazzling array of elegance and beauty which the drawing-room
has exhibited that night, and how their senses have been charmed,
and their hearts captivated, by the bewitching concentration of
female loveliness which that very room has so recently displayed.
(Loud cries of 'Hear!')  Much as he (Tupple) would be disposed to
deplore the absence of the ladies, on other grounds, he cannot but
derive some consolation from the reflection that the very
circumstance of their not being present, enables him to propose a
toast, which he would have otherwise been prevented from giving -
that toast he begs to say is - 'The Ladies!'  (Great applause.)
The Ladies! among whom the fascinating daughters of their excellent
host, are alike conspicuous for their beauty, their
accomplishments, and their elegance.  He begs them to drain a
bumper to 'The Ladies, and a happy new year to them!'  (Prolonged
approbation; above which the noise of the ladies dancing the
Spanish dance among themselves, overhead, is distinctly audible.)

The applause consequent on this toast, has scarcely subsided, when
a young gentleman in a pink under-waistcoat, sitting towards the
bottom of the table, is observed to grow very restless and fidgety,
and to evince strong indications of some latent desire to give vent
to his feelings in a speech, which the wary Tupple at once
perceiving, determines to forestall by speaking himself.  He,
therefore, rises again, with an air of solemn importance, and
trusts he may be permitted to propose another toast (unqualified
approbation, and Mr. Tupple proceeds).  He is sure they must all be
deeply impressed with the hospitality - he may say the splendour -
with which they have been that night received by their worthy host
and hostess.  (Unbounded applause.)  Although this is the first
occasion on which he has had the pleasure and delight of sitting at
that board, he has known his friend Dobble long and intimately; he
has been connected with him in business - he wishes everybody
present knew Dobble as well as he does.  (A cough from the host.)
He (Tupple) can lay his hand upon his (Tupple's) heart, and declare
his confident belief that a better man, a better husband, a better
father, a better brother, a better son, a better relation in any
relation of life, than Dobble, never existed.  (Loud cries of
'Hear!')  They have seen him to-night in the peaceful bosom of his
family; they should see him in the morning, in the trying duties of
his office.  Calm in the perusal of the morning papers,
uncompromising in the signature of his name, dignified in his
replies to the inquiries of stranger applicants, deferential in his
behaviour to his superiors, majestic in his deportment to the
messengers.  (Cheers.)  When he bears this merited testimony to the
excellent qualities of his friend Dobble, what can he say in
approaching such a subject as Mrs. Dobble?  Is it requisite for him
to expatiate on the qualities of that amiable woman?  No; he will
spare his friend Dobble's feelings; he will spare the feelings of
his friend - if he will allow him to have the honour of calling him
so - Mr. Dobble, junior.  (Here Mr. Dobble, junior, who has been
previously distending his mouth to a considerable width, by
thrusting a particularly fine orange into that feature, suspends
operations, and assumes a proper appearance of intense melancholy).
He will simply say - and he is quite certain it is a sentiment in
which all who hear him will readily concur - that his friend Dobble
is as superior to any man he ever knew, as Mrs. Dobble is far
beyond any woman he ever saw (except her daughters); and he will
conclude by proposing their worthy 'Host and Hostess, and may they
live to enjoy many more new years!'

The toast is drunk with acclamation; Dobble returns thanks, and the
whole party rejoin the ladies in the drawing-room.  Young men who
were too bashful to dance before supper, find tongues and partners;
the musicians exhibit unequivocal symptoms of having drunk the new
year in, while the company were out; and dancing is kept up, until
far in the first morning of the new year.

We have scarcely written the last word of the previous sentence,
when the first stroke of twelve, peals from the neighbouring
churches.  There certainly - we must confess it now - is something
awful in the sound.  Strictly speaking, it may not be more
impressive now, than at any other time; for the hours steal as
swiftly on, at other periods, and their flight is little heeded.
But, we measure man's life by years, and it is a solemn knell that
warns us we have passed another of the landmarks which stands
between us and the grave.  Disguise it as we may, the reflection
will force itself on our minds, that when the next bell announces
the arrival of a new year, we may be insensible alike of the timely
warning we have so often neglected, and of all the warm feelings
that glow within us now.



CHAPTER IV - MISS EVANS AND THE EAGLE



Mr. Samuel Wilkins was a carpenter, a journeyman carpenter of small
dimensions, decidedly below the middle size - bordering, perhaps,
upon the dwarfish.  His face was round and shining, and his hair
carefully twisted into the outer corner of each eye, till it formed
a variety of that description of semi-curls, usually known as
'aggerawators.'  His earnings were all-sufficient for his wants,
varying from eighteen shillings to one pound five, weekly - his
manner undeniable - his sabbath waistcoats dazzling.  No wonder
that, with these qualifications, Samuel Wilkins found favour in the
eyes of the other sex:  many women have been captivated by far less
substantial qualifications.  But, Samuel was proof against their
blandishments, until at length his eyes rested on those of a Being
for whom, from that time forth, he felt fate had destined him.  He
came, and conquered - proposed, and was accepted - loved, and was
beloved.  Mr. Wilkins 'kept company' with Jemima Evans.

Miss Evans (or Ivins, to adopt the pronunciation most in vogue with
her circle of acquaintance) had adopted in early life the useful
pursuit of shoe-binding, to which she had afterwards superadded the
occupation of a straw-bonnet maker.  Herself, her maternal parent,
and two sisters, formed an harmonious quartett in the most secluded
portion of Camden-town; and here it was that Mr. Wilkins presented
himself, one Monday afternoon, in his best attire, with his face
more shining and his waistcoat more bright than either had ever
appeared before.  The family were just going to tea, and were SO
glad to see him.  It was quite a little feast; two ounces of seven-
and-sixpenny green, and a quarter of a pound of the best fresh; and
Mr. Wilkins had brought a pint of shrimps, neatly folded up in a
clean belcher, to give a zest to the meal, and propitiate Mrs.
Ivins.  Jemima was 'cleaning herself' up-stairs; so Mr. Samuel
Wilkins sat down and talked domestic economy with Mrs. Ivins,
whilst the two youngest Miss Ivinses poked bits of lighted brown
paper between the bars under the kettle, to make the water boil for
tea.

'I wos a thinking,' said Mr. Samuel Wilkins, during a pause in the
conversation - 'I wos a thinking of taking J'mima to the Eagle to-
night.' - 'O my!' exclaimed Mrs. Ivins.  'Lor! how nice!' said the
youngest Miss Ivins.  'Well, I declare!' added the youngest Miss
Ivins but one.  'Tell J'mima to put on her white muslin, Tilly,'
screamed Mrs. Ivins, with motherly anxiety; and down came J'mima
herself soon afterwards in a white muslin gown carefully hooked and
eyed, a little red shawl, plentifully pinned, a white straw bonnet
trimmed with red ribbons, a small necklace, a large pair of
bracelets, Denmark satin shoes, and open-worked stockings; white
cotton gloves on her fingers, and a cambric pocket-handkerchief,
carefully folded up, in her hand - all quite genteel and ladylike.
And away went Miss J'mima Ivins and Mr. Samuel Wilkins, and a
dress-cane, with a gilt knob at the top, to the admiration and envy
of the street in general, and to the high gratification of Mrs.
Ivins, and the two youngest Miss Ivinses in particular.  They had
no sooner turned into the Pancras-road, than who should Miss J'mima
Ivins stumble upon, by the most fortunate accident in the world,
but a young lady as she knew, with HER young man! - And it is so
strange how things do turn out sometimes - they were actually going
to the Eagle too.  So Mr. Samuel Wilkins was introduced to Miss
J'mima Ivins's friend's young man, and they all walked on together,
talking, and laughing, and joking away like anything; and when they
got as far as Pentonville, Miss Ivins's friend's young man WOULD
have the ladies go into the Crown, to taste some shrub, which,
after a great blushing and giggling, and hiding of faces in
elaborate pocket-handkerchiefs, they consented to do.  Having
tasted it once, they were easily prevailed upon to taste it again;
and they sat out in the garden tasting shrub, and looking at the
Busses alternately, till it was just the proper time to go to the
Eagle; and then they resumed their journey, and walked very fast,
for fear they should lose the beginning of the concert in the
Rotunda.

'How ev'nly!' said Miss J'mima Ivins, and Miss J'mima Ivins's
friend, both at once, when they had passed the gate and were fairly
inside the gardens.  There were the walks, beautifully gravelled
and planted - and the refreshment-boxes, painted and ornamented
like so many snuff-boxes - and the variegated lamps shedding their
rich light upon the company's heads - and the place for dancing
ready chalked for the company's feet - and a Moorish band playing
at one end of the gardens - and an opposition military band playing
away at the other.  Then, the waiters were rushing to and fro with
glasses of negus, and glasses of brandy-and-water, and bottles of
ale, and bottles of stout; and ginger-beer was going off in one
place, and practical jokes were going on in another; and people
were crowding to the door of the Rotunda; and in short the whole
scene was, as Miss J'mima Ivins, inspired by the novelty, or the
shrub, or both, observed - 'one of dazzling excitement.'  As to the
concert-room, never was anything half so splendid.  There was an
orchestra for the singers, all paint, gilding, and plate-glass; and
such an organ!  Miss J'mima Ivins's friend's young man whispered it
had cost 'four hundred pound,' which Mr. Samuel Wilkins said was
'not dear neither;' an opinion in which the ladies perfectly
coincided.  The audience were seated on elevated benches round the
room, and crowded into every part of it; and everybody was eating
and drinking as comfortably as possible.  Just before the concert
commenced, Mr. Samuel Wilkins ordered two glasses of rum-and-water
'warm with - ' and two slices of lemon, for himself and the other
young man, together with 'a pint o' sherry wine for the ladies, and
some sweet carraway-seed biscuits;' and they would have been quite
comfortable and happy, only a strange gentleman with large whiskers
WOULD stare at Miss J'mima Ivins, and another gentleman in a plaid
waistcoat WOULD wink at Miss J'mima Ivins's friend; on which Miss
Jemima Ivins's friend's young man exhibited symptoms of boiling
over, and began to mutter about 'people's imperence,' and 'swells
out o' luck;' and to intimate, in oblique terms, a vague intention
of knocking somebody's head off; which he was only prevented from
announcing more emphatically, by both Miss J'mima Ivins and her
friend threatening to faint away on the spot if he said another
word.

The concert commenced - overture on the organ.  'How solemn!'
exclaimed Miss J'mima Ivins, glancing, perhaps unconsciously, at
the gentleman with the whiskers.  Mr. Samuel Wilkins, who had been
muttering apart for some time past, as if he were holding a
confidential conversation with the gilt knob of the dress-cane,
breathed hard-breathing vengeance, perhaps, - but said nothing.
'The soldier tired,' Miss Somebody in white satin.  'Ancore!' cried
Miss J'mima Ivins's friend.  'Ancore!' shouted the gentleman in the
plaid waistcoat immediately, hammering the table with a stout-
bottle.  Miss J'mima Ivins's friend's young man eyed the man behind
the waistcoat from head to foot, and cast a look of interrogative
contempt towards Mr. Samuel Wilkins.  Comic song, accompanied on
the organ.  Miss J'mima Ivins was convulsed with laughter - so was
the man with the whiskers.  Everything the ladies did, the plaid
waistcoat and whiskers did, by way of expressing unity of sentiment
and congeniality of soul; and Miss J'mima Ivins, and Miss J'mima
Ivins's friend, grew lively and talkative, as Mr. Samuel Wilkins,
and Miss J'mima Ivins's friend's young man, grew morose and surly
in inverse proportion.

Now, if the matter had ended here, the little party might soon have
recovered their former equanimity; but Mr. Samuel Wilkins and his
friend began to throw looks of defiance upon the waistcoat and
whiskers.  And the waistcoat and whiskers, by way of intimating the
slight degree in which they were affected by the looks aforesaid,
bestowed glances of increased admiration upon Miss J'mima Ivins and
friend.  The concert and vaudeville concluded, they promenaded the
gardens.  The waistcoat and whiskers did the same; and made divers
remarks complimentary to the ankles of Miss J'mima Ivins and
friend, in an audible tone.  At length, not satisfied with these
numerous atrocities, they actually came up and asked Miss J'mima
Ivins, and Miss J'mima Ivins's friend, to dance, without taking no
more notice of Mr. Samuel Wilkins, and Miss J'mima Ivins's friend's
young man, than if they was nobody!

'What do you mean by that, scoundrel!' exclaimed Mr. Samuel
Wilkins, grasping the gilt-knobbed dress-cane firmly in his right
hand.  'What's the matter with YOU, you little humbug?' replied the
whiskers.  'How dare you insult me and my friend?' inquired the
friend's young man.  'You and your friend be hanged!' responded the
waistcoat.  'Take that,' exclaimed Mr. Samuel Wilkins.  The ferrule
of the gilt-knobbed dress-cane was visible for an instant, and then
the light of the variegated lamps shone brightly upon it as it
whirled into the air, cane and all.  'Give it him,' said the
waistcoat.  'Horficer!' screamed the ladies.  Miss J'mima Ivins's
beau, and the friend's young man, lay gasping on the gravel, and
the waistcoat and whiskers were seen no more.

Miss J'mima Ivins and friend being conscious that the affray was in
no slight degree attributable to themselves, of course went into
hysterics forthwith; declared themselves the most injured of women;
exclaimed, in incoherent ravings, that they had been suspected -
wrongfully suspected - oh! that they should ever have lived to see
the day - and so forth; suffered a relapse every time they opened
their eyes and saw their unfortunate little admirers; and were
carried to their respective abodes in a hackney-coach, and a state
of insensibility, compounded of shrub, sherry, and excitement.



CHAPTER V - THE PARLOUR ORATOR



We had been lounging one evening, down Oxford-street, Holborn,
Cheapside, Coleman-street, Finsbury-square, and so on, with the
intention of returning westward, by Pentonville and the New-road,
when we began to feel rather thirsty, and disposed to rest for five
or ten minutes.  So, we turned back towards an old, quiet, decent
public-house, which we remembered to have passed but a moment
before (it was not far from the City-road), for the purpose of
solacing ourself with a glass of ale.  The house was none of your
stuccoed, French-polished, illuminated palaces, but a modest
public-house of the old school, with a little old bar, and a little
old landlord, who, with a wife and daughter of the same pattern,
was comfortably seated in the bar aforesaid - a snug little room
with a cheerful fire, protected by a large screen:  from behind
which the young lady emerged on our representing our inclination
for a glass of ale.

'Won't you walk into the parlour, sir?' said the young lady, in
seductive tones.

'You had better walk into the parlour, sir,' said the little old
landlord, throwing his chair back, and looking round one side of
the screen, to survey our appearance.

'You had much better step into the parlour, sir,' said the little
old lady, popping out her head, on the other side of the screen.

We cast a slight glance around, as if to express our ignorance of
the locality so much recommended.  The little old landlord observed
it; bustled out of the small door of the small bar; and forthwith
ushered us into the parlour itself.

It was an ancient, dark-looking room, with oaken wainscoting, a
sanded floor, and a high mantel-piece.  The walls were ornamented
with three or four old coloured prints in black frames, each print
representing a naval engagement, with a couple of men-of-war
banging away at each other most vigorously, while another vessel or
two were blowing up in the distance, and the foreground presented a
miscellaneous collection of broken masts and blue legs sticking up
out of the water.  Depending from the ceiling in the centre of the
room, were a gas-light and bell-pull; on each side were three or
four long narrow tables, behind which was a thickly-planted row of
those slippery, shiny-looking wooden chairs, peculiar to hostelries
of this description.  The monotonous appearance of the sanded
boards was relieved by an occasional spittoon; and a triangular
pile of those useful articles adorned the two upper corners of the
apartment.

At the furthest table, nearest the fire, with his face towards the
door at the bottom of the room, sat a stoutish man of about forty,
whose short, stiff, black hair curled closely round a broad high
forehead, and a face to which something besides water and exercise
had communicated a rather inflamed appearance.  He was smoking a
cigar, with his eyes fixed on the ceiling, and had that confident
oracular air which marked him as the leading politician, general
authority, and universal anecdote-relater, of the place.  He had
evidently just delivered himself of something very weighty; for the
remainder of the company were puffing at their respective pipes and
cigars in a kind of solemn abstraction, as if quite overwhelmed
with the magnitude of the subject recently under discussion.

On his right hand sat an elderly gentleman with a white head, and
broad-brimmed brown hat; on his left, a sharp-nosed, light-haired
man in a brown surtout reaching nearly to his heels, who took a
whiff at his pipe, and an admiring glance at the red-faced man,
alternately.

'Very extraordinary!' said the light-haired man after a pause of
five minutes.  A murmur of assent ran through the company.

'Not at all extraordinary - not at all,' said the red-faced man,
awakening suddenly from his reverie, and turning upon the light-
haired man, the moment he had spoken.

'Why should it be extraordinary? - why is it extraordinary? - prove
it to be extraordinary!'

'Oh, if you come to that - ' said the light-haired man, meekly.

'Come to that!' ejaculated the man with the red face; 'but we MUST
come to that.  We stand, in these times, upon a calm elevation of
intellectual attainment, and not in the dark recess of mental
deprivation.  Proof, is what I require - proof, and not assertions,
in these stirring times.  Every gen'lem'n that knows me, knows what
was the nature and effect of my observations, when it was in the
contemplation of the Old-street Suburban Representative Discovery
Society, to recommend a candidate for that place in Cornwall there
- I forget the name of it.  "Mr. Snobee," said Mr. Wilson, "is a
fit and proper person to represent the borough in Parliament."
"Prove it," says I.  "He is a friend to Reform," says Mr. Wilson.
"Prove it," says I.  "The abolitionist of the national debt, the
unflinching opponent of pensions, the uncompromising advocate of
the negro, the reducer of sinecures and the duration of
Parliaments; the extender of nothing but the suffrages of the
people," says Mr. Wilson.  "Prove it," says I.  "His acts prove
it," says he.  "Prove THEM," says I.

'And he could not prove them,' said the red-faced man, looking
round triumphantly; 'and the borough didn't have him; and if you
carried this principle to the full extent, you'd have no debt, no
pensions, no sinecures, no negroes, no nothing.  And then, standing
upon an elevation of intellectual attainment, and having reached
the summit of popular prosperity, you might bid defiance to the
nations of the earth, and erect yourselves in the proud confidence
of wisdom and superiority.  This is my argument - this always has
been my argument - and if I was a Member of the House of Commons
to-morrow, I'd make 'em shake in their shoes with it.  And the red-
faced man, having struck the table very hard with his clenched
fist, to add weight to the declaration, smoked away like a brewery.

'Well!' said the sharp-nosed man, in a very slow and soft voice,
addressing the company in general, 'I always do say, that of all
the gentlemen I have the pleasure of meeting in this room, there is
not one whose conversation I like to hear so much as Mr. Rogers's,
or who is such improving company.'

'Improving company!' said Mr. Rogers, for that, it seemed, was the
name of the red-faced man.  'You may say I am improving company,
for I've improved you all to some purpose; though as to my
conversation being as my friend Mr. Ellis here describes it, that
is not for me to say anything about.  You, gentlemen, are the best
judges on that point; but this I will say, when I came into this
parish, and first used this room, ten years ago, I don't believe
there was one man in it, who knew he was a slave - and now you all
know it, and writhe under it.  Inscribe that upon my tomb, and I am
satisfied.'

'Why, as to inscribing it on your tomb,' said a little greengrocer
with a chubby face, 'of course you can have anything chalked up, as
you likes to pay for, so far as it relates to yourself and your
affairs; but, when you come to talk about slaves, and that there
abuse, you'd better keep it in the family, 'cos I for one don't
like to be called them names, night after night.'

'You ARE a slave,' said the red-faced man, 'and the most pitiable
of all slaves.'

'Werry hard if I am,' interrupted the greengrocer, 'for I got no
good out of the twenty million that was paid for 'mancipation,
anyhow.'

'A willing slave,' ejaculated the red-faced man, getting more red
with eloquence, and contradiction - 'resigning the dearest
birthright of your children - neglecting the sacred call of Liberty
- who, standing imploringly before you, appeals to the warmest
feelings of your heart, and points to your helpless infants, but in
vain.'

'Prove it,' said the greengrocer.

'Prove it!' sneered the man with the red face.  'What! bending
beneath the yoke of an insolent and factious oligarchy; bowed down
by the domination of cruel laws; groaning beneath tyranny and
oppression on every hand, at every side, and in every corner.
Prove it! - '  The red-faced man abruptly broke off, sneered melo-
dramatically, and buried his countenance and his indignation
together, in a quart pot.

'Ah, to be sure, Mr. Rogers,' said a stout broker in a large
waistcoat, who had kept his eyes fixed on this luminary all the
time he was speaking.  'Ah, to be sure,' said the broker with a
sigh, 'that's the point.'

'Of course, of course,' said divers members of the company, who
understood almost as much about the matter as the broker himself.

'You had better let him alone, Tommy,' said the broker, by way of
advice to the little greengrocer; 'he can tell what's o'clock by an
eight-day, without looking at the minute hand, he can.  Try it on,
on some other suit; it won't do with him, Tommy.'

'What is a man?' continued the red-faced specimen of the species,
jerking his hat indignantly from its peg on the wall.  'What is an
Englishman?  Is he to be trampled upon by every oppressor?  Is he
to be knocked down at everybody's bidding?  What's freedom?  Not a
standing army.  What's a standing army?  Not freedom.  What's
general happiness?  Not universal misery.  Liberty ain't the
window-tax, is it?  The Lords ain't the Commons, are they?'  And
the red-faced man, gradually bursting into a radiating sentence, in
which such adjectives as 'dastardly,' 'oppressive,' 'violent,' and
'sanguinary,' formed the most conspicuous words, knocked his hat
indignantly over his eyes, left the room, and slammed the door
after him.

'Wonderful man!' said he of the sharp nose.

'Splendid speaker!' added the broker.

'Great power!' said everybody but the greengrocer.  And as they
said it, the whole party shook their heads mysteriously, and one by
one retired, leaving us alone in the old parlour.

If we had followed the established precedent in all such instances,
we should have fallen into a fit of musing, without delay.  The
ancient appearance of the room - the old panelling of the wall -
the chimney blackened with smoke and age - would have carried us
back a hundred years at least, and we should have gone dreaming on,
until the pewter-pot on the table, or the little beer-chiller on
the fire, had started into life, and addressed to us a long story
of days gone by.  But, by some means or other, we were not in a
romantic humour; and although we tried very hard to invest the
furniture with vitality, it remained perfectly unmoved, obstinate,
and sullen.  Being thus reduced to the unpleasant necessity of
musing about ordinary matters, our thoughts reverted to the red-
faced man, and his oratorical display.

A numerous race are these red-faced men; there is not a parlour, or
club-room, or benefit society, or humble party of any kind, without
its red-faced man.  Weak-pated dolts they are, and a great deal of
mischief they do to their cause, however good.  So, just to hold a
pattern one up, to know the others by, we took his likeness at
once, and put him in here.  And that is the reason why we have
written this paper.



CHAPTER VI - THE HOSPITAL PATIENT



In our rambles through the streets of London after evening has set
in, we often pause beneath the windows of some public hospital, and
picture to ourself the gloomy and mournful scenes that are passing
within.  The sudden moving of a taper as its feeble ray shoots from
window to window, until its light gradually disappears, as if it
were carried farther back into the room to the bedside of some
suffering patient, is enough to awaken a whole crowd of
reflections; the mere glimmering of the low-burning lamps, which,
when all other habitations are wrapped in darkness and slumber,
denote the chamber where so many forms are writhing with pain, or
wasting with disease, is sufficient to check the most boisterous
merriment.

Who can tell the anguish of those weary hours, when the only sound
the sick man hears, is the disjointed wanderings of some feverish
slumberer near him, the low moan of pain, or perhaps the muttered,
long-forgotten prayer of a dying man?  Who, but they who have felt
it, can imagine the sense of loneliness and desolation which must
be the portion of those who in the hour of dangerous illness are
left to be tended by strangers; for what hands, be they ever so
gentle, can wipe the clammy brow, or smooth the restless bed, like
those of mother, wife, or child?

Impressed with these thoughts, we have turned away, through the
nearly-deserted streets; and the sight of the few miserable
creatures still hovering about them, has not tended to lessen the
pain which such meditations awaken.  The hospital is a refuge and
resting-place for hundreds, who but for such institutions must die
in the streets and doorways; but what can be the feelings of some
outcasts when they are stretched on the bed of sickness with
scarcely a hope of recovery?  The wretched woman who lingers about
the pavement, hours after midnight, and the miserable shadow of a
man - the ghastly remnant that want and drunkenness have left -
which crouches beneath a window-ledge, to sleep where there is some
shelter from the rain, have little to bind them to life, but what
have they to look back upon, in death?  What are the unwonted
comforts of a roof and a bed, to them, when the recollections of a
whole life of debasement stalk before them; when repentance seems a
mockery, and sorrow comes too late?

About a twelvemonth ago, as we were strolling through Covent-garden
(we had been thinking about these things over-night), we were
attracted by the very prepossessing appearance of a pickpocket, who
having declined to take the trouble of walking to the Police-
office, on the ground that he hadn't the slightest wish to go there
at all, was being conveyed thither in a wheelbarrow, to the huge
delight of a crowd.

Somehow, we never can resist joining a crowd, so we turned back
with the mob, and entered the office, in company with our friend
the pickpocket, a couple of policemen, and as many dirty-faced
spectators as could squeeze their way in.

There was a powerful, ill-looking young fellow at the bar, who was
undergoing an examination, on the very common charge of having, on
the previous night, ill-treated a woman, with whom he lived in some
court hard by.  Several witnesses bore testimony to acts of the
grossest brutality; and a certificate was read from the house-
surgeon of a neighbouring hospital, describing the nature of the
injuries the woman had received, and intimating that her recovery
was extremely doubtful.

Some question appeared to have been raised about the identity of
the prisoner; for when it was agreed that the two magistrates
should visit the hospital at eight o'clock that evening, to take
her deposition, it was settled that the man should be taken there
also.  He turned pale at this, and we saw him clench the bar very
hard when the order was given.  He was removed directly afterwards,
and he spoke not a word.

We felt an irrepressible curiosity to witness this interview,
although it is hard to tell why, at this instant, for we knew it
must be a painful one.  It was no very difficult matter for us to
gain permission, and we obtained it.

The prisoner, and the officer who had him in custody, were already
at the hospital when we reached it, and waiting the arrival of the
magistrates in a small room below stairs.  The man was handcuffed,
and his hat was pulled forward over his eyes.  It was easy to see,
though, by the whiteness of his countenance, and the constant
twitching of the muscles of his face, that he dreaded what was to
come.  After a short interval, the magistrates and clerk were bowed
in by the house-surgeon and a couple of young men who smelt very
strong of tobacco-smoke - they were introduced as 'dressers' - and
after one magistrate had complained bitterly of the cold, and the
other of the absence of any news in the evening paper, it was
announced that the patient was prepared; and we were conducted to
the 'casualty ward' in which she was lying.

The dim light which burnt in the spacious room, increased rather
than diminished the ghastly appearance of the hapless creatures in
the beds, which were ranged in two long rows on either side.  In
one bed, lay a child enveloped in bandages, with its body half-
consumed by fire; in another, a female, rendered hideous by some
dreadful accident, was wildly beating her clenched fists on the
coverlet, in pain; on a third, there lay stretched a young girl,
apparently in the heavy stupor often the immediate precursor of
death:  her face was stained with blood, and her breast and arms
were bound up in folds of linen.  Two or three of the beds were
empty, and their recent occupants were sitting beside them, but
with faces so wan, and eyes so bright and glassy, that it was
fearful to meet their gaze.  On every face was stamped the
expression of anguish and suffering.

The object of the visit was lying at the upper end of the room.
She was a fine young woman of about two or three and twenty.  Her
long black hair, which had been hastily cut from near the wounds on
her head, streamed over the pillow in jagged and matted locks.  Her
face bore deep marks of the ill-usage she had received:  her hand
was pressed upon her side, as if her chief pain were there; her
breathing was short and heavy; and it was plain to see that she was
dying fast.  She murmured a few words in reply to the magistrate's
inquiry whether she was in great pain; and, having been raised on
the pillow by the nurse, looked vacantly upon the strange
countenances that surrounded her bed.  The magistrate nodded to the
officer, to bring the man forward.  He did so, and stationed him at
the bedside.  The girl looked on with a wild and troubled
expression of face; but her sight was dim, and she did not know
him.

'Take off his hat,' said the magistrate.  The officer did as he was
desired, and the man's features were disclosed.

The girl started up, with an energy quite preternatural; the fire
gleamed in her heavy eyes, and the blood rushed to her pale and
sunken cheeks.  It was a convulsive effort.  She fell back upon her
pillow, and covering her scarred and bruised face with her hands,
burst into tears.  The man cast an anxious look towards her, but
otherwise appeared wholly unmoved.  After a brief pause the nature
of the errand was explained, and the oath tendered.

'Oh, no, gentlemen,' said the girl, raising herself once more, and
folding her hands together; 'no, gentlemen, for God's sake!  I did
it myself - it was nobody's fault - it was an accident.  He didn't
hurt me; he wouldn't for all the world.  Jack, dear Jack, you know
you wouldn't!'

Her sight was fast failing her, and her hand groped over the
bedclothes in search of his.  Brute as the man was, he was not
prepared for this.  He turned his face from the bed, and sobbed.
The girl's colour changed, and her breathing grew more difficult.
She was evidently dying.

'We respect the feelings which prompt you to this,' said the
gentleman who had spoken first, 'but let me warn you, not to
persist in what you know to be untrue, until it is too late.  It
cannot save him.'

'Jack,' murmured the girl, laying her hand upon his arm, 'they
shall not persuade me to swear your life away.  He didn't do it,
gentlemen.  He never hurt me.'  She grasped his arm tightly, and
added, in a broken whisper, 'I hope God Almighty will forgive me
all the wrong I have done, and the life I have led.  God bless you,
Jack.  Some kind gentleman take my love to my poor old father.
Five years ago, he said he wished I had died a child.  Oh, I wish I
had!  I wish I had!'

The nurse bent over the girl for a few seconds, and then drew the
sheet over her face.  It covered a corpse.



CHAPTER VII - THE MISPLACED ATTACHMENT OF MR. JOHN DOUNCE



If we had to make a classification of society, there is a
particular kind of men whom we should immediately set down under
the head of 'Old Boys;' and a column of most extensive dimensions
the old boys would require.  To what precise causes the rapid
advance of old-boy population is to be traced, we are unable to
determine.  It would be an interesting and curious speculation,
but, as we have not sufficient space to devote to it here, we
simply state the fact that the numbers of the old boys have been
gradually augmenting within the last few years, and that they are
at this moment alarmingly on the increase.

Upon a general review of the subject, and without considering it
minutely in detail, we should be disposed to subdivide the old boys
into two distinct classes - the gay old boys, and the steady old
boys.  The gay old boys, are paunchy old men in the disguise of
young ones, who frequent the Quadrant and Regent-street in the day-
time:  the theatres (especially theatres under lady management) at
night; and who assume all the foppishness and levity of boys,
without the excuse of youth or inexperience.  The steady old boys
are certain stout old gentlemen of clean appearance, who are always
to be seen in the same taverns, at the same hours every evening,
smoking and drinking in the same company.

There was once a fine collection of old boys to be seen round the
circular table at Offley's every night, between the hours of half-
past eight and half-past eleven.  We have lost sight of them for
some time.  There were, and may be still, for aught we know, two
splendid specimens in full blossom at the Rainbow Tavern in Fleet-
street, who always used to sit in the box nearest the fireplace,
and smoked long cherry-stick pipes which went under the table, with
the bowls resting on the floor.  Grand old boys they were - fat,
red-faced, white-headed old fellows - always there - one on one
side the table, and the other opposite - puffing and drinking away
in great state.  Everybody knew them, and it was supposed by some
people that they were both immortal.

Mr. John Dounce was an old boy of the latter class (we don't mean
immortal, but steady), a retired glove and braces maker, a widower,
resident with three daughters - all grown up, and all unmarried -
in Cursitor-street, Chancery-lane.  He was a short, round, large-
faced, tubbish sort of man, with a broad-brimmed hat, and a square
coat; and had that grave, but confident, kind of roll, peculiar to
old boys in general.  Regular as clockwork - breakfast at nine -
dress and tittivate a little - down to the Sir Somebody's Head - a
glass of ale and the paper - come back again, and take daughters
out for a walk - dinner at three - glass of grog and pipe - nap -
tea - little walk - Sir Somebody's Head again - capital house -
delightful evenings.  There were Mr. Harris, the law-stationer, and
Mr. Jennings, the robe-maker (two jolly young fellows like
himself), and Jones, the barrister's clerk - rum fellow that Jones
- capital company - full of anecdote! - and there they sat every
night till just ten minutes before twelve, drinking their brandy-
and-water, and smoking their pipes, and telling stories, and
enjoying themselves with a kind of solemn joviality particularly
edifying.

Sometimes Jones would propose a half-price visit to Drury Lane or
Covent Garden, to see two acts of a five-act play, and a new farce,
perhaps, or a ballet, on which occasions the whole four of them
went together:  none of your hurrying and nonsense, but having
their brandy-and-water first, comfortably, and ordering a steak and
some oysters for their supper against they came back, and then
walking coolly into the pit, when the 'rush' had gone in, as all
sensible people do, and did when Mr. Dounce was a young man, except
when the celebrated Master Betty was at the height of his
popularity, and then, sir, - then - Mr. Dounce perfectly well
remembered getting a holiday from business; and going to the pit
doors at eleven o'clock in the forenoon, and waiting there, till
six in the afternoon, with some sandwiches in a pocket-handkerchief
and some wine in a phial; and fainting after all, with the heat and
fatigue, before the play began; in which situation he was lifted
out of the pit, into one of the dress boxes, sir, by five of the
finest women of that day, sir, who compassionated his situation and
administered restoratives, and sent a black servant, six foot high,
in blue and silver livery, next morning with their compliments, and
to know how he found himself, sir - by G-!  Between the acts Mr.
Dounce and Mr. Harris, and Mr. Jennings, used to stand up, and look
round the house, and Jones - knowing fellow that Jones - knew
everybody - pointed out the fashionable and celebrated Lady So-and-
So in the boxes, at the mention of whose name Mr. Dounce, after
brushing up his hair, and adjusting his neckerchief, would inspect
the aforesaid Lady So-and-So through an immense glass, and remark,
either, that she was a 'fine woman - very fine woman, indeed,' or
that 'there might be a little more of her, eh, Jones?'  Just as the
case might happen to be.  When the dancing began, John Dounce and
the other old boys were particularly anxious to see what was going
forward on the stage, and Jones - wicked dog that Jones - whispered
little critical remarks into the ears of John Dounce, which John
Dounce retailed to Mr. Harris and Mr. Harris to Mr. Jennings; and
then they all four laughed, until the tears ran down out of their
eyes.

When the curtain fell, they walked back together, two and two, to
the steaks and oysters; and when they came to the second glass of
brandy-and-water, Jones - hoaxing scamp, that Jones - used to
recount how he had observed a lady in white feathers, in one of the
pit boxes, gazing intently on Mr. Dounce all the evening, and how
he had caught Mr. Dounce, whenever he thought no one was looking at
him, bestowing ardent looks of intense devotion on the lady in
return; on which Mr. Harris and Mr. Jennings used to laugh very
heartily, and John Dounce more heartily than either of them,
acknowledging, however, that the time HAD been when he MIGHT have
done such things; upon which Mr. Jones used to poke him in the
ribs, and tell him he had been a sad dog in his time, which John
Dounce with chuckles confessed.  And after Mr. Harris and Mr.
Jennings had preferred their claims to the character of having been
sad dogs too, they separated harmoniously, and trotted home.

The decrees of Fate, and the means by which they are brought about,
are mysterious and inscrutable.  John Dounce had led this life for
twenty years and upwards, without wish for change, or care for
variety, when his whole social system was suddenly upset and turned
completely topsy-turvy - not by an earthquake, or some other
dreadful convulsion of nature, as the reader would be inclined to
suppose, but by the simple agency of an oyster; and thus it
happened.

Mr. John Dounce was returning one night from the Sir Somebody's
Head, to his residence in Cursitor-street - not tipsy, but rather
excited, for it was Mr. Jennings's birthday, and they had had a
brace of partridges for supper, and a brace of extra glasses
afterwards, and Jones had been more than ordinarily amusing - when
his eyes rested on a newly-opened oyster-shop, on a magnificent
scale, with natives laid, one deep, in circular marble basins in
the windows, together with little round barrels of oysters directed
to Lords and Baronets, and Colonels and Captains, in every part of
the habitable globe.

Behind the natives were the barrels, and behind the barrels was a
young lady of about five-and-twenty, all in blue, and all alone -
splendid creature, charming face and lovely figure!  It is
difficult to say whether Mr. John Dounce's red countenance,
illuminated as it was by the flickering gas-light in the window
before which he paused, excited the lady's risibility, or whether a
natural exuberance of animal spirits proved too much for that
staidness of demeanour which the forms of society rather
dictatorially prescribe.  But certain it is, that the lady smiled;
then put her finger upon her lip, with a striking recollection of
what was due to herself; and finally retired, in oyster-like
bashfulness, to the very back of the counter.  The sad-dog sort of
feeling came strongly upon John Dounce:  he lingered - the lady in
blue made no sign.  He coughed - still she came not.  He entered
the shop.

'Can you open me an oyster, my dear?' said Mr. John Dounce.

'Dare say I can, sir,' replied the lady in blue, with playfulness.
And Mr. John Dounce eat one oyster, and then looked at the young
lady, and then eat another, and then squeezed the young lady's hand
as she was opening the third, and so forth, until he had devoured a
dozen of those at eightpence in less than no time.

'Can you open me half-a-dozen more, my dear?' inquired Mr. John
Dounce.

'I'll see what I can do for you, sir,' replied the young lady in
blue, even more bewitchingly than before; and Mr. John Dounce eat
half-a-dozen more of those at eightpence.

'You couldn't manage to get me a glass of brandy-and-water, my
dear, I suppose?' said Mr. John Dounce, when he had finished the
oysters:  in a tone which clearly implied his supposition that she
could.

'I'll see, sir,' said the young lady:  and away she ran out of the
shop, and down the street, her long auburn ringlets shaking in the
wind in the most enchanting manner; and back she came again,
tripping over the coal-cellar lids like a whipping-top, with a
tumbler of brandy-and-water, which Mr. John Dounce insisted on her
taking a share of, as it was regular ladies' grog - hot, strong,
sweet, and plenty of it.

So, the young lady sat down with Mr. John Dounce, in a little red
box with a green curtain, and took a small sip of the brandy-and-
water, and a small look at Mr. John Dounce, and then turned her
head away, and went through various other serio-pantomimic
fascinations, which forcibly reminded Mr. John Dounce of the first
time he courted his first wife, and which made him feel more
affectionate than ever; in pursuance of which affection, and
actuated by which feeling, Mr. John Dounce sounded the young lady
on her matrimonial engagements, when the young lady denied having
formed any such engagements at all - she couldn't abear the men,
they were such deceivers; thereupon Mr. John Dounce inquired
whether this sweeping condemnation was meant to include other than
very young men; on which the young lady blushed deeply - at least
she turned away her head, and said Mr. John Dounce had made her
blush, so of course she DID blush - and Mr. John Dounce was a long
time drinking the brandy-and-water; and, at last, John Dounce went
home to bed, and dreamed of his first wife, and his second wife,
and the young lady, and partridges, and oysters, and brandy-and-
water, and disinterested attachments.

The next morning, John Dounce was rather feverish with the extra
brandy-and-water of the previous night; and, partly in the hope of
cooling himself with an oyster, and partly with the view of
ascertaining whether he owed the young lady anything, or not, went
back to the oyster-shop.  If the young lady had appeared beautiful
by night, she was perfectly irresistible by day; and, from this
time forward, a change came over the spirit of John Dounce's dream.
He bought shirt-pins; wore a ring on his third finger; read poetry;
bribed a cheap miniature-painter to perpetrate a faint resemblance
to a youthful face, with a curtain over his head, six large books
in the background, and an open country in the distance (this he
called his portrait); 'went on' altogether in such an uproarious
manner, that the three Miss Dounces went off on small pensions, he
having made the tenement in Cursitor-street too warm to contain
them; and in short, comported and demeaned himself in every respect
like an unmitigated old Saracen, as he was.

As to his ancient friends, the other old boys, at the Sir
Somebody's Head, he dropped off from them by gradual degrees; for,
even when he did go there, Jones - vulgar fellow that Jones -
persisted in asking 'when it was to be?' and 'whether he was to
have any gloves?' together with other inquiries of an equally
offensive nature:  at which not only Harris laughed, but Jennings
also; so, he cut the two, altogether, and attached himself solely
to the blue young lady at the smart oyster-shop.

Now comes the moral of the story - for it has a moral after all.
The last-mentioned young lady, having derived sufficient profit and
emolument from John Dounce's attachment, not only refused, when
matters came to a crisis, to take him for better for worse, but
expressly declared, to use her own forcible words, that she
'wouldn't have him at no price;' and John Dounce, having lost his
old friends, alienated his relations, and rendered himself
ridiculous to everybody, made offers successively to a
schoolmistress, a landlady, a feminine tobacconist, and a
housekeeper; and, being directly rejected by each and every of
them, was accepted by his cook, with whom he now lives, a henpecked
husband, a melancholy monument of antiquated misery, and a living
warning to all uxorious old boys.



CHAPTER VIII - THE MISTAKEN MILLINER.  A TALE OF AMBITION



Miss Amelia Martin was pale, tallish, thin, and two-and-thirty -
what ill-natured people would call plain, and police reports
interesting.  She was a milliner and dressmaker, living on her
business and not above it.  If you had been a young lady in
service, and had wanted Miss Martin, as a great many young ladies
in service did, you would just have stepped up, in the evening, to
number forty-seven, Drummond-street, George-street, Euston-square,
and after casting your eye on a brass door-plate, one foot ten by
one and a half, ornamented with a great brass knob at each of the
four corners, and bearing the inscription 'Miss Martin; millinery
and dressmaking, in all its branches;' you'd just have knocked two
loud knocks at the street-door; and down would have come Miss
Martin herself, in a merino gown of the newest fashion, black
velvet bracelets on the genteelest principle, and other little
elegancies of the most approved description.

If Miss Martin knew the young lady who called, or if the young lady
who called had been recommended by any other young lady whom Miss
Martin knew, Miss Martin would forthwith show her up-stairs into
the two-pair front, and chat she would - SO kind, and SO
comfortable - it really wasn't like a matter of business, she was
so friendly; and, then Miss Martin, after contemplating the figure
and general appearance of the young lady in service with great
apparent admiration, would say how well she would look, to be sure,
in a low dress with short sleeves; made very full in the skirts,
with four tucks in the bottom; to which the young lady in service
would reply in terms expressive of her entire concurrence in the
notion, and of the virtuous indignation with which she reflected on
the tyranny of 'Missis,' who wouldn't allow a young girl to wear a
short sleeve of an arternoon - no, nor nothing smart, not even a
pair of ear-rings; let alone hiding people's heads of hair under
them frightful caps.  At the termination of this complaint, Miss
Amelia Martin would distantly suggest certain dark suspicions that
some people were jealous on account of their own daughters, and
were obliged to keep their servants' charms under, for fear they
should get married first, which was no uncommon circumstance -
leastways she had known two or three young ladies in service, who
had married a great deal better than their missises, and THEY were
not very good-looking either; and then the young lady would inform
Miss Martin, in confidence, that how one of their young ladies was
engaged to a young man and was a-going to be married, and Missis
was so proud about it there was no bearing of her; but how she
needn't hold her head quite so high neither, for, after all, he was
only a clerk.  And, after expressing due contempt for clerks in
general, and the engaged clerk in particular, and the highest
opinion possible of themselves and each other, Miss Martin and the
young lady in service would bid each other good night, in a
friendly but perfectly genteel manner:  and the one went back to
her 'place,' and the other, to her room on the second-floor front.

There is no saying how long Miss Amelia Martin might have continued
this course of life; how extensive a connection she might have
established among young ladies in service; or what amount her
demands upon their quarterly receipts might have ultimately
attained, had not an unforeseen train of circumstances directed her
thoughts to a sphere of action very different from dressmaking or
millinery.

A friend of Miss Martin's who had long been keeping company with an
ornamental painter and decorator's journeyman, at last consented
(on being at last asked to do so) to name the day which would make
the aforesaid journeyman a happy husband.  It was a Monday that was
appointed for the celebration of the nuptials, and Miss Amelia
Martin was invited, among others, to honour the wedding-dinner with
her presence.  It was a charming party; Somers-town the locality,
and a front parlour the apartment.  The ornamental painter and
decorator's journeyman had taken a house - no lodgings nor
vulgarity of that kind, but a house - four beautiful rooms, and a
delightful little washhouse at the end of the passage - which was
the most convenient thing in the world, for the bridesmaids could
sit in the front parlour and receive the company, and then run into
the little washhouse and see how the pudding and boiled pork were
getting on in the copper, and then pop back into the parlour again,
as snug and comfortable as possible.  And such a parlour as it was!
Beautiful Kidderminster carpet - six bran-new cane-bottomed stained
chairs - three wine-glasses and a tumbler on each sideboard -
farmer's girl and farmer's boy on the mantelpiece:  girl tumbling
over a stile, and boy spitting himself, on the handle of a
pitchfork - long white dimity curtains in the window - and, in
short, everything on the most genteel scale imaginable.

Then, the dinner.  There was baked leg of mutton at the top, boiled
leg of mutton at the bottom, pair of fowls and leg of pork in the
middle; porter-pots at the corners; pepper, mustard, and vinegar in
the centre; vegetables on the floor; and plum-pudding and apple-pie
and tartlets without number:  to say nothing of cheese, and celery,
and water-cresses, and all that sort of thing.  As to the Company!
Miss Amelia Martin herself declared, on a subsequent occasion,
that, much as she had heard of the ornamental painter's
journeyman's connexion, she never could have supposed it was half
so genteel.  There was his father, such a funny old gentleman - and
his mother, such a dear old lady - and his sister, such a charming
girl - and his brother, such a manly-looking young man - with such
a eye!  But even all these were as nothing when compared with his
musical friends, Mr. and Mrs. Jennings Rodolph, from White Conduit,
with whom the ornamental painter's journeyman had been fortunate
enough to contract an intimacy while engaged in decorating the
concert-room of that noble institution.  To hear them sing
separately, was divine, but when they went through the tragic duet
of 'Red Ruffian, retire!' it was, as Miss Martin afterwards
remarked, 'thrilling.'  And why (as Mr. Jennings Rodolph observed)
why were they not engaged at one of the patent theatres?  If he was
to be told that their voices were not powerful enough to fill the
House, his only reply was, that he would back himself for any
amount to fill Russell-square - a statement in which the company,
after hearing the duet, expressed their full belief; so they all
said it was shameful treatment; and both Mr. and Mrs. Jennings
Rodolph said it was shameful too; and Mr. Jennings Rodolph looked
very serious, and said he knew who his malignant opponents were,
but they had better take care how far they went, for if they
irritated him too much he had not quite made up his mind whether he
wouldn't bring the subject before Parliament; and they all agreed
that it ''ud serve 'em quite right, and it was very proper that
such people should be made an example of.'  So Mr. Jennings Rodolph
said he'd think of it.

When the conversation resumed its former tone, Mr. Jennings Rodolph
claimed his right to call upon a lady, and the right being
conceded, trusted Miss Martin would favour the company - a proposal
which met with unanimous approbation, whereupon Miss Martin, after
sundry hesitatings and coughings, with a preparatory choke or two,
and an introductory declaration that she was frightened to death to
attempt it before such great judges of the art, commenced a species
of treble chirruping containing frequent allusions to some young
gentleman of the name of Hen-e-ry, with an occasional reference to
madness and broken hearts.  Mr. Jennings Rodolph frequently
interrupted the progress of the song, by ejaculating 'Beautiful!' -
'Charming!' - 'Brilliant!' - 'Oh! splendid,' &c.; and at its close
the admiration of himself, and his lady, knew no bounds.

'Did you ever hear so sweet a voice, my dear?' inquired Mr.
Jennings Rodolph of Mrs. Jennings Rodolph.

'Never; indeed I never did, love,' replied Mrs. Jennings Rodolph.

'Don't you think Miss Martin, with a little cultivation, would be
very like Signora Marra Boni, my dear?' asked Mr. Jennings Rodolph.

'Just exactly the very thing that struck me, my love,' answered
Mrs. Jennings Rodolph.

And thus the time passed away; Mr. Jennings Rodolph played tunes on
a walking-stick, and then went behind the parlour-door and gave his
celebrated imitations of actors, edge-tools, and animals; Miss
Martin sang several other songs with increased admiration every
time; and even the funny old gentleman began singing.  His song had
properly seven verses, but as he couldn't recollect more than the
first one, he sang that over seven times, apparently very much to
his own personal gratification.  And then all the company sang the
national anthem with national independence - each for himself,
without reference to the other - and finally separated:  all
declaring that they never had spent so pleasant an evening:  and
Miss Martin inwardly resolving to adopt the advice of Mr. Jennings
Rodolph, and to 'come out' without delay.

Now, 'coming out,' either in acting, or singing, or society, or
facetiousness, or anything else, is all very well, and remarkably
pleasant to the individual principally concerned, if he or she can
but manage to come out with a burst, and being out, to keep out,
and not go in again; but, it does unfortunately happen that both
consummations are extremely difficult to accomplish, and that the
difficulties, of getting out at all in the first instance, and if
you surmount them, of keeping out in the second, are pretty much on
a par, and no slight ones either - and so Miss Amelia Martin
shortly discovered.  It is a singular fact (there being ladies in
the case) that Miss Amelia Martin's principal foible was vanity,
and the leading characteristic of Mrs. Jennings Rodolph an
attachment to dress.  Dismal wailings were heard to issue from the
second-floor front of number forty-seven, Drummond-street, George-
street, Euston-square; it was Miss Martin practising.  Half-
suppressed murmurs disturbed the calm dignity of the White Conduit
orchestra at the commencement of the season.  It was the appearance
of Mrs. Jennings Rodolph in full dress, that occasioned them.  Miss
Martin studied incessantly - the practising was the consequence.
Mrs. Jennings Rodolph taught gratuitously now and then - the
dresses were the result.

Weeks passed away; the White Conduit season had begun, and
progressed, and was more than half over.  The dressmaking business
had fallen off, from neglect; and its profits had dwindled away
almost imperceptibly.  A benefit-night approached; Mr. Jennings
Rodolph yielded to the earnest solicitations of Miss Amelia Martin,
and introduced her personally to the 'comic gentleman' whose
benefit it was.  The comic gentleman was all smiles and blandness -
he had composed a duet, expressly for the occasion, and Miss Martin
should sing it with him.  The night arrived; there was an immense
room - ninety-seven sixpenn'orths of gin-and-water, thirty-two
small glasses of brandy-and-water, five-and-twenty bottled ales,
and forty-one neguses; and the ornamental painter's journeyman,
with his wife and a select circle of acquaintance, were seated at
one of the side-tables near the orchestra.  The concert began.
Song - sentimental - by a light-haired young gentleman in a blue
coat, and bright basket buttons - [applause].  Another song,
doubtful, by another gentleman in another blue coat and more bright
basket buttons - [increased applause].  Duet, Mr. Jennings Rodolph,
and Mrs. Jennings Rodolph, 'Red Ruffian, retire!' - [great
applause].  Solo, Miss Julia Montague (positively on this occasion
only) - 'I am a Friar' - [enthusiasm].  Original duet, comic - Mr.
H. Taplin (the comic gentleman) and Miss Martin - 'The Time of
Day.'  'Brayvo! - Brayvo!' cried the ornamental painter's
journeyman's party, as Miss Martin was gracefully led in by the
comic gentleman.  'Go to work, Harry,' cried the comic gentleman's
personal friends.  'Tap-tap-tap,' went the leader's bow on the
music-desk.  The symphony began, and was soon afterwards followed
by a faint kind of ventriloquial chirping, proceeding apparently
from the deepest recesses of the interior of Miss Amelia Martin.
'Sing out' - shouted one gentleman in a white great-coat.  'Don't
be afraid to put the steam on, old gal,' exclaimed another, 'S-s-s-
s-s-s-s'-went the five-and-twenty bottled ales.  'Shame, shame!'
remonstrated the ornamental painter's journeyman's party - 'S-s-s-
s' went the bottled ales again, accompanied by all the gins, and a
majority of the brandies.

'Turn them geese out,' cried the ornamental painter's journeyman's
party, with great indignation.

'Sing out,' whispered Mr. Jennings Rodolph.

'So I do,' responded Miss Amelia Martin.

'Sing louder,' said Mrs. Jennings Rodolph.

'I can't,' replied Miss Amelia Martin.

'Off, off, off,' cried the rest of the audience.

'Bray-vo!' shouted the painter's party.  It wouldn't do - Miss
Amelia Martin left the orchestra, with much less ceremony than she
had entered it; and, as she couldn't sing out, never came out.  The
general good humour was not restored until Mr. Jennings Rodolph had
become purple in the face, by imitating divers quadrupeds for half
an hour, without being able to render himself audible; and, to this
day, neither has Miss Amelia Martin's good humour been restored,
nor the dresses made for and presented to Mrs. Jennings Rodolph,
nor the local abilities which Mr. Jennings Rodolph once staked his
professional reputation that Miss Martin possessed.



CHAPTER IX - THE DANCING ACADEMY



Of all the dancing academies that ever were established, there
never was one more popular in its immediate vicinity than Signor
Billsmethi's, of the 'King's Theatre.'  It was not in Spring-
gardens, or Newman-street, or Berners-street, or Gower-street, or
Charlotte-street, or Percy-street, or any other of the numerous
streets which have been devoted time out of mind to professional
people, dispensaries, and boarding-houses; it was not in the West-
end at all - it rather approximated to the eastern portion of
London, being situated in the populous and improving neighbourhood
of Gray's-inn-lane.  It was not a dear dancing academy - four-and-
sixpence a quarter is decidedly cheap upon the whole.  It was VERY
select, the number of pupils being strictly limited to seventy-
five, and a quarter's payment in advance being rigidly exacted.
There was public tuition and private tuition - an assembly-room and
a parlour.  Signor Billsmethi's family were always thrown in with
the parlour, and included in parlour price; that is to say, a
private pupil had Signor Billsmethi's parlour to dance IN, and
Signor Billsmethi's family to dance WITH; and when he had been
sufficiently broken in in the parlour, he began to run in couples
in the assembly-room.

Such was the dancing academy of Signor Billsmethi, when Mr.
Augustus Cooper, of Fetter-lane, first saw an unstamped
advertisement walking leisurely down Holborn-hill, announcing to
the world that Signor Billsmethi, of the King's Theatre, intended
opening for the season with a Grand Ball.

Now, Mr. Augustus Cooper was in the oil and colour line - just of
age, with a little money, a little business, and a little mother,
who, having managed her husband and HIS business in his lifetime,
took to managing her son and HIS business after his decease; and
so, somehow or other, he had been cooped up in the little back
parlour behind the shop on week-days, and in a little deal box
without a lid (called by courtesy a pew) at Bethel Chapel, on
Sundays, and had seen no more of the world than if he had been an
infant all his days; whereas Young White, at the gas-fitter's over
the way, three years younger than him, had been flaring away like
winkin' - going to the theatre - supping at harmonic meetings -
eating oysters by the barrel - drinking stout by the gallon - even
out all night, and coming home as cool in the morning as if nothing
had happened.  So Mr. Augustus Cooper made up his mind that he
would not stand it any longer, and had that very morning expressed
to his mother a firm determination to be 'blowed,' in the event of
his not being instantly provided with a street-door key.  And he
was walking down Holborn-hill, thinking about all these things, and
wondering how he could manage to get introduced into genteel
society for the first time, when his eyes rested on Signor
Billsmethi's announcement, which it immediately struck him was just
the very thing he wanted; for he should not only be able to select
a genteel circle of acquaintance at once, out of the five-and-
seventy pupils at four-and-sixpence a quarter, but should qualify
himself at the same time to go through a hornpipe in private
society, with perfect ease to himself and great delight to his
friends.  So, he stopped the unstamped advertisement - an animated
sandwich, composed of a boy between two boards - and having
procured a very small card with the Signor's address indented
thereon, walked straight at once to the Signor's house - and very
fast he walked too, for fear the list should be filled up, and the
five-and-seventy completed, before he got there.  The Signor was at
home, and, what was still more gratifying, he was an Englishman!
Such a nice man - and so polite!  The list was not full, but it was
a most extraordinary circumstance that there was only just one
vacancy, and even that one would have been filled up, that very
morning, only Signor Billsmethi was dissatisfied with the
reference, and, being very much afraid that the lady wasn't select,
wouldn't take her.

'And very much delighted I am, Mr. Cooper,' said Signor Billsmethi,
'that I did NOT take her.  I assure you, Mr. Cooper - I don't say
it to flatter you, for I know you're above it - that I consider
myself extremely fortunate in having a gentleman of your manners
and appearance, sir.'

'I am very glad of it too, sir,' said Augustus Cooper.

'And I hope we shall be better acquainted, sir,' said Signor
Billsmethi.

'And I'm sure I hope we shall too, sir,' responded Augustus Cooper.
Just then, the door opened, and in came a young lady, with her hair
curled in a crop all over her head, and her shoes tied in sandals
all over her ankles.

'Don't run away, my dear,' said Signor Billsmethi; for the young
lady didn't know Mr. Cooper was there when she ran in, and was
going to run out again in her modesty, all in confusion-like.
'Don't run away, my dear,' said Signor Billsmethi, 'this is Mr.
Cooper - Mr. Cooper, of Fetter-lane.  Mr. Cooper, my daughter, sir
- Miss Billsmethi, sir, who I hope will have the pleasure of
dancing many a quadrille, minuet, gavotte, country-dance, fandango,
double-hornpipe, and farinagholkajingo with you, sir.  She dances
them all, sir; and so shall you, sir, before you're a quarter
older, sir.'

And Signor Bellsmethi slapped Mr. Augustus Cooper on the back, as
if he had known him a dozen years, - so friendly; - and Mr. Cooper
bowed to the young lady, and the young lady curtseyed to him, and
Signor Billsmethi said they were as handsome a pair as ever he'd
wish to see; upon which the young lady exclaimed, 'Lor, pa!' and
blushed as red as Mr. Cooper himself - you might have thought they
were both standing under a red lamp at a chemist's shop; and before
Mr. Cooper went away it was settled that he should join the family
circle that very night - taking them just as they were - no
ceremony nor nonsense of that kind - and learn his positions in
order that he might lose no time, and be able to come out at the
forthcoming ball.

Well; Mr. Augustus Cooper went away to one of the cheap shoemakers'
shops in Holborn, where gentlemen's dress-pumps are seven-and-
sixpence, and men's strong walking just nothing at all, and bought
a pair of the regular seven-and-sixpenny, long-quartered, town-
mades, in which he astonished himself quite as much as his mother,
and sallied forth to Signor Billsmethi's.  There were four other
private pupils in the parlour:  two ladies and two gentlemen.  Such
nice people!  Not a bit of pride about them.  One of the ladies in
particular, who was in training for a Columbine, was remarkably
affable; and she and Miss Billsmethi took such an interest in Mr.
Augustus Cooper, and joked, and smiled, and looked so bewitching,
that he got quite at home, and learnt his steps in no time.  After
the practising was over, Signor Billsmethi, and Miss Billsmethi,
and Master Billsmethi, and a young lady, and the two ladies, and
the two gentlemen, danced a quadrille - none of your slipping and
sliding about, but regular warm work, flying into corners, and
diving among chairs, and shooting out at the door, - something like
dancing!  Signor Billsmethi in particular, notwithstanding his
having a little fiddle to play all the time, was out on the landing
every figure, and Master Billsmethi, when everybody else was
breathless, danced a hornpipe, with a cane in his hand, and a
cheese-plate on his head, to the unqualified admiration of the
whole company.  Then, Signor Billsmethi insisted, as they were so
happy, that they should all stay to supper, and proposed sending
Master Billsmethi for the beer and spirits, whereupon the two
gentlemen swore, 'strike 'em wulgar if they'd stand that;' and were
just going to quarrel who should pay for it, when Mr. Augustus
Cooper said he would, if they'd have the kindness to allow him -
and they HAD the kindness to allow him; and Master Billsmethi
brought the beer in a can, and the rum in a quart pot.  They had a
regular night of it; and Miss Billsmethi squeezed Mr. Augustus
Cooper's hand under the table; and Mr. Augustus Cooper returned the
squeeze, and returned home too, at something to six o'clock in the
morning, when he was put to bed by main force by the apprentice,
after repeatedly expressing an uncontrollable desire to pitch his
revered parent out of the second-floor window, and to throttle the
apprentice with his own neck-handkerchief.

Weeks had worn on, and the seven-and-sixpenny town-mades had nearly
worn out, when the night arrived for the grand dress-ball at which
the whole of the five-and-seventy pupils were to meet together, for
the first time that season, and to take out some portion of their
respective four-and-sixpences in lamp-oil and fiddlers.  Mr.
Augustus Cooper had ordered a new coat for the occasion - a two-
pound-tenner from Turnstile.  It was his first appearance in
public; and, after a grand Sicilian shawl-dance by fourteen young
ladies in character, he was to open the quadrille department with
Miss Billsmethi herself, with whom he had become quite intimate
since his first introduction.  It WAS a night!  Everything was
admirably arranged.  The sandwich-boy took the hats and bonnets at
the street-door; there was a turn-up bedstead in the back parlour,
on which Miss Billsmethi made tea and coffee for such of the
gentlemen as chose to pay for it, and such of the ladies as the
gentlemen treated; red port-wine negus and lemonade were handed
round at eighteen-pence a head; and in pursuance of a previous
engagement with the public-house at the corner of the street, an
extra potboy was laid on for the occasion.  In short, nothing could
exceed the arrangements, except the company.  Such ladies!  Such
pink silk stockings!  Such artificial flowers!  Such a number of
cabs!  No sooner had one cab set down a couple of ladies, than
another cab drove up and set down another couple of ladies, and
they all knew:  not only one another, but the majority of the
gentlemen into the bargain, which made it all as pleasant and
lively as could be.  Signor Billsmethi, in black tights, with a
large blue bow in his buttonhole, introduced the ladies to such of
the gentlemen as were strangers:  and the ladies talked away - and
laughed they did - it was delightful to see them.

As to the shawl-dance, it was the most exciting thing that ever was
beheld; there was such a whisking, and rustling, and fanning, and
getting ladies into a tangle with artificial flowers, and then
disentangling them again!  And as to Mr. Augustus Cooper's share in
the quadrille, he got through it admirably.  He was missing from
his partner, now and then, certainly, and discovered on such
occasions to be either dancing with laudable perseverance in
another set, or sliding about in perspective, without any definite
object; but, generally speaking, they managed to shove him through
the figure, until he turned up in the right place.  Be this as it
may, when he had finished, a great many ladies and gentlemen came
up and complimented him very much, and said they had never seen a
beginner do anything like it before; and Mr. Augustus Cooper was
perfectly satisfied with himself, and everybody else into the
bargain; and 'stood' considerable quantities of spirits-and-water,
negus, and compounds, for the use and behoof of two or three dozen
very particular friends, selected from the select circle of five-
and-seventy pupils.

Now, whether it was the strength of the compounds, or the beauty of
the ladies, or what not, it did so happen that Mr. Augustus Cooper
encouraged, rather than repelled, the very flattering attentions of
a young lady in brown gauze over white calico who had appeared
particularly struck with him from the first; and when the
encouragements had been prolonged for some time, Miss Billsmethi
betrayed her spite and jealousy thereat by calling the young lady
in brown gauze a 'creeter,' which induced the young lady in brown
gauze to retort, in certain sentences containing a taunt founded on
the payment of four-and-sixpence a quarter, which reference Mr.
Augustus Cooper, being then and there in a state of considerable
bewilderment, expressed his entire concurrence in.  Miss
Billsmethi, thus renounced, forthwith began screaming in the
loudest key of her voice, at the rate of fourteen screams a minute;
and being unsuccessful, in an onslaught on the eyes and face, first
of the lady in gauze and then of Mr. Augustus Cooper, called
distractedly on the other three-and-seventy pupils to furnish her
with oxalic acid for her own private drinking; and, the call not
being honoured, made another rush at Mr. Cooper, and then had her
stay-lace cut, and was carried off to bed.  Mr. Augustus Cooper,
not being remarkable for quickness of apprehension, was at a loss
to understand what all this meant, until Signor Billsmethi
explained it in a most satisfactory manner, by stating to the
pupils, that Mr. Augustus Cooper had made and confirmed divers
promises of marriage to his daughter on divers occasions, and had
now basely deserted her; on which, the indignation of the pupils
became universal; and as several chivalrous gentlemen inquired
rather pressingly of Mr. Augustus Cooper, whether he required
anything for his own use, or, in other words, whether he 'wanted
anything for himself,' he deemed it prudent to make a precipitate
retreat.  And the upshot of the matter was, that a lawyer's letter
came next day, and an action was commenced next week; and that Mr.
Augustus Cooper, after walking twice to the Serpentine for the
purpose of drowning himself, and coming twice back without doing
it, made a confidante of his mother, who compromised the matter
with twenty pounds from the till:  which made twenty pounds four
shillings and sixpence paid to Signor Billsmethi, exclusive of
treats and pumps.  And Mr. Augustus Cooper went back and lived with
his mother, and there he lives to this day; and as he has lost his
ambition for society, and never goes into the world, he will never
see this account of himself, and will never be any the wiser.



CHAPTER X - SHABBY-GENTEEL PEOPLE



There are certain descriptions of people who, oddly enough, appear
to appertain exclusively to the metropolis.  You meet them, every
day, in the streets of London, but no one ever encounters them
elsewhere; they seem indigenous to the soil, and to belong as
exclusively to London as its own smoke, or the dingy bricks and
mortar.  We could illustrate the remark by a variety of examples,
but, in our present sketch, we will only advert to one class as a
specimen - that class which is so aptly and expressively designated
as 'shabby-genteel.'

Now, shabby people, God knows, may be found anywhere, and genteel
people are not articles of greater scarcity out of London than in
it; but this compound of the two - this shabby-gentility - is as
purely local as the statue at Charing-cross, or the pump at
Aldgate.  It is worthy of remark, too, that only men are shabby-
genteel; a woman is always either dirty and slovenly in the
extreme, or neat and respectable, however poverty-stricken in
appearance.  A very poor man, 'who has seen better days,' as the
phrase goes, is a strange compound of dirty-slovenliness and
wretched attempts at faded smartness.

We will endeavour to explain our conception of the term which forms
the title of this paper.  If you meet a man, lounging up Drury-
Lane, or leaning with his back against a post in Long-acre, with
his hands in the pockets of a pair of drab trousers plentifully
besprinkled with grease-spots:  the trousers made very full over
the boots, and ornamented with two cords down the outside of each
leg - wearing, also, what has been a brown coat with bright
buttons, and a hat very much pinched up at the side, cocked over
his right eye - don't pity him.  He is not shabby-genteel.  The
'harmonic meetings' at some fourth-rate public-house, or the
purlieus of a private theatre, are his chosen haunts; he entertains
a rooted antipathy to any kind of work, and is on familiar terms
with several pantomime men at the large houses.  But, if you see
hurrying along a by-street, keeping as close as he can to the area-
railings, a man of about forty or fifty, clad in an old rusty suit
of threadbare black cloth which shines with constant wear as if it
had been bees-waxed - the trousers tightly strapped down, partly
for the look of the thing and partly to keep his old shoes from
slipping off at the heels, - if you observe, too, that his
yellowish-white neckerchief is carefully pinned up, to conceal the
tattered garment underneath, and that his hands are encased in the
remains of an old pair of beaver gloves, you may set him down as a
shabby-genteel man.  A glance at that depressed face, and timorous
air of conscious poverty, will make your heart ache - always
supposing that you are neither a philosopher nor a political
economist.

We were once haunted by a shabby-genteel man; he was bodily present
to our senses all day, and he was in our mind's eye all night.  The
man of whom Sir Walter Scott speaks in his Demonology, did not
suffer half the persecution from his imaginary gentleman-usher in
black velvet, that we sustained from our friend in quondam black
cloth.  He first attracted our notice, by sitting opposite to us in
the reading-room at the British Museum; and what made the man more
remarkable was, that he always had before him a couple of shabby-
genteel books - two old dog's-eared folios, in mouldy worm-eaten
covers, which had once been smart.  He was in his chair, every
morning, just as the clock struck ten; he was always the last to
leave the room in the afternoon; and when he did, he quitted it
with the air of a man who knew not where else to go, for warmth and
quiet.  There he used to sit all day, as close to the table as
possible, in order to conceal the lack of buttons on his coat:
with his old hat carefully deposited at his feet, where he
evidently flattered himself it escaped observation.

About two o'clock, you would see him munching a French roll or a
penny loaf; not taking it boldly out of his pocket at once, like a
man who knew he was only making a lunch; but breaking off little
bits in his pocket, and eating them by stealth.  He knew too well
it was his dinner.

When we first saw this poor object, we thought it quite impossible
that his attire could ever become worse.  We even went so far, as
to speculate on the possibility of his shortly appearing in a
decent second-hand suit.  We knew nothing about the matter; he grew
more and more shabby-genteel every day.  The buttons dropped off
his waistcoat, one by one; then, he buttoned his coat; and when one
side of the coat was reduced to the same condition as the
waistcoat, he buttoned it over - on the other side.  He looked
somewhat better at the beginning of the week than at the
conclusion, because the neckerchief, though yellow, was not quite
so dingy; and, in the midst of all this wretchedness, he never
appeared without gloves and straps.  He remained in this state for
a week or two.  At length, one of the buttons on the back of the
coat fell off, and then the man himself disappeared, and we thought
he was dead.

We were sitting at the same table about a week after his
disappearance, and as our eyes rested on his vacant chair, we
insensibly fell into a train of meditation on the subject of his
retirement from public life.  We were wondering whether he had hung
himself, or thrown himself off a bridge - whether he really was
dead or had only been arrested - when our conjectures were suddenly
set at rest by the entry of the man himself.  He had undergone some
strange metamorphosis, and walked up the centre of the room with an
air which showed he was fully conscious of the improvement in his
appearance.  It was very odd.  His clothes were a fine, deep,
glossy black; and yet they looked like the same suit; nay, there
were the very darns with which old acquaintance had made us
familiar.  The hat, too - nobody could mistake the shape of that
hat, with its high crown gradually increasing in circumference
towards the top.  Long service had imparted to it a reddish-brown
tint; but, now, it was as black as the coat.  The truth flashed
suddenly upon us - they had been 'revived.'  It is a deceitful
liquid that black and blue reviver; we have watched its effects on
many a shabby-genteel man.  It betrays its victims into a temporary
assumption of importance:  possibly into the purchase of a new pair
of gloves, or a cheap stock, or some other trifling article of
dress.  It elevates their spirits for a week, only to depress them,
if possible, below their original level.  It was so in this case;
the transient dignity of the unhappy man decreased, in exact
proportion as the 'reviver' wore off.  The knees of the
unmentionables, and the elbows of the coat, and the seams
generally, soon began to get alarmingly white.  The hat was once
more deposited under the table, and its owner crept into his seat
as quietly as ever.

There was a week of incessant small rain and mist.  At its
expiration the 'reviver' had entirely vanished, and the shabby-
genteel man never afterwards attempted to effect any improvement in
his outward appearance.

It would be difficult to name any particular part of town as the
principal resort of shabby-genteel men.  We have met a great many
persons of this description in the neighbourhood of the inns of
court.  They may be met with, in Holborn, between eight and ten any
morning; and whoever has the curiosity to enter the Insolvent
Debtors' Court will observe, both among spectators and
practitioners, a great variety of them.  We never went on 'Change,
by any chance, without seeing some shabby-genteel men, and we have
often wondered what earthly business they can have there.  They
will sit there, for hours, leaning on great, dropsical, mildewed
umbrellas, or eating Abernethy biscuits.  Nobody speaks to them,
nor they to any one.  On consideration, we remember to have
occasionally seen two shabby-genteel men conversing together on
'Change, but our experience assures us that this is an uncommon
circumstance, occasioned by the offer of a pinch of snuff, or some
such civility.

It would be a task of equal difficulty, either to assign any
particular spot for the residence of these beings, or to endeavour
to enumerate their general occupations.  We were never engaged in
business with more than one shabby-genteel man; and he was a
drunken engraver, and lived in a damp back-parlour in a new row of
houses at Camden-town, half street, half brick-field, somewhere
near the canal.  A shabby-genteel man may have no occupation, or he
may be a corn agent, or a coal agent, or a wine merchant, or a
collector of debts, or a broker's assistant, or a broken-down
attorney.  He may be a clerk of the lowest description, or a
contributor to the press of the same grade.  Whether our readers
have noticed these men, in their walks, as often as we have, we
know not; this we know - that the miserably poor man (no matter
whether he owes his distresses to his own conduct, or that of
others) who feels his poverty and vainly strives to conceal it, is
one of the most pitiable objects in human nature.  Such objects,
with few exceptions, are shabby-genteel people.



CHAPTER XI - MAKING A NIGHT OF IT



Damon and Pythias were undoubtedly very good fellows in their way:
the former for his extreme readiness to put in special bail for a
friend:  and the latter for a certain trump-like punctuality in
turning up just in the very nick of time, scarcely less remarkable.
Many points in their character have, however, grown obsolete.
Damons are rather hard to find, in these days of imprisonment for
debt (except the sham ones, and they cost half-a-crown); and, as to
the Pythiases, the few that have existed in these degenerate times,
have had an unfortunate knack of making themselves scarce, at the
very moment when their appearance would have been strictly
classical.  If the actions of these heroes, however, can find no
parallel in modern times, their friendship can.  We have Damon and
Pythias on the one hand.  We have Potter and Smithers on the other;
and, lest the two last-mentioned names should never have reached
the ears of our unenlightened readers, we can do no better than
make them acquainted with the owners thereof.

Mr. Thomas Potter, then, was a clerk in the city, and Mr. Robert
Smithers was a ditto in the same; their incomes were limited, but
their friendship was unbounded.  They lived in the same street,
walked into town every morning at the same hour, dined at the same
slap-bang every day, and revelled in each other's company very
night.  They were knit together by the closest ties of intimacy and
friendship, or, as Mr. Thomas Potter touchingly observed, they were
'thick-and-thin pals, and nothing but it.'  There was a spice of
romance in Mr. Smithers's disposition, a ray of poetry, a gleam of
misery, a sort of consciousness of he didn't exactly know what,
coming across him he didn't precisely know why - which stood out in
fine relief against the off-hand, dashing, amateur-pickpocket-sort-
of-manner, which distinguished Mr. Potter in an eminent degree.

The peculiarity of their respective dispositions, extended itself
to their individual costume.  Mr. Smithers generally appeared in
public in a surtout and shoes, with a narrow black neckerchief and
a brown hat, very much turned up at the sides - peculiarities which
Mr. Potter wholly eschewed, for it was his ambition to do something
in the celebrated 'kiddy' or stage-coach way, and he had even gone
so far as to invest capital in the purchase of a rough blue coat
with wooden buttons, made upon the fireman's principle, in which,
with the addition of a low-crowned, flower-pot-saucer-shaped hat,
he had created no inconsiderable sensation at the Albion in Little
Russell-street, and divers other places of public and fashionable
resort.

Mr. Potter and Mr. Smithers had mutually agreed that, on the
receipt of their quarter's salary, they would jointly and in
company 'spend the evening' - an evident misnomer - the spending
applying, as everybody knows, not to the evening itself but to all
the money the individual may chance to be possessed of, on the
occasion to which reference is made; and they had likewise agreed
that, on the evening aforesaid, they would 'make a night of it' -
an expressive term, implying the borrowing of several hours from
to-morrow morning, adding them to the night before, and
manufacturing a compound night of the whole.

The quarter-day arrived at last - we say at last, because quarter-
days are as eccentric as comets:  moving wonderfully quick when you
have a good deal to pay, and marvellously slow when you have a
little to receive.  Mr. Thomas Potter and Mr. Robert Smithers met
by appointment to begin the evening with a dinner; and a nice,
snug, comfortable dinner they had, consisting of a little
procession of four chops and four kidneys, following each other,
supported on either side by a pot of the real draught stout, and
attended by divers cushions of bread, and wedges of cheese.

When the cloth was removed, Mr. Thomas Potter ordered the waiter to
bring in, two goes of his best Scotch whiskey, with warm water and
sugar, and a couple of his 'very mildest' Havannahs, which the
waiter did.  Mr. Thomas Potter mixed his grog, and lighted his
cigar; Mr. Robert Smithers did the same; and then, Mr. Thomas
Potter jocularly proposed as the first toast, 'the abolition of all
offices whatever' (not sinecures, but counting-houses), which was
immediately drunk by Mr. Robert Smithers, with enthusiastic
applause.  So they went on, talking politics, puffing cigars, and
sipping whiskey-and-water, until the 'goes' - most appropriately so
called - were both gone, which Mr. Robert Smithers perceiving,
immediately ordered in two more goes of the best Scotch whiskey,
and two more of the very mildest Havannahs; and the goes kept
coming in, and the mild Havannahs kept going out, until, what with
the drinking, and lighting, and puffing, and the stale ashes on the
table, and the tallow-grease on the cigars, Mr. Robert Smithers
began to doubt the mildness of the Havannahs, and to feel very much
as if he had been sitting in a hackney-coach with his back to the
horses.

As to Mr. Thomas Potter, he WOULD keep laughing out loud, and
volunteering inarticulate declarations that he was 'all right;' in
proof of which, he feebly bespoke the evening paper after the next
gentleman, but finding it a matter of some difficulty to discover
any news in its columns, or to ascertain distinctly whether it had
any columns at all, walked slowly out to look for the moon, and,
after coming back quite pale with looking up at the sky so long,
and attempting to express mirth at Mr. Robert Smithers having
fallen asleep, by various galvanic chuckles, laid his head on his
arm, and went to sleep also.  When he awoke again, Mr. Robert
Smithers awoke too, and they both very gravely agreed that it was
extremely unwise to eat so many pickled walnuts with the chops, as
it was a notorious fact that they always made people queer and
sleepy; indeed, if it had not been for the whiskey and cigars,
there was no knowing what harm they mightn't have done 'em.  So
they took some coffee, and after paying the bill, - twelve and
twopence the dinner, and the odd tenpence for the waiter - thirteen
shillings in all - started out on their expedition to manufacture a
night.

It was just half-past eight, so they thought they couldn't do
better than go at half-price to the slips at the City Theatre,
which they did accordingly.  Mr. Robert Smithers, who had become
extremely poetical after the settlement of the bill, enlivening the
walk by informing Mr. Thomas Potter in confidence that he felt an
inward presentiment of approaching dissolution, and subsequently
embellishing the theatre, by falling asleep with his head and both
arms gracefully drooping over the front of the boxes.

Such was the quiet demeanour of the unassuming Smithers, and such
were the happy effects of Scotch whiskey and Havannahs on that
interesting person!  But Mr. Thomas Potter, whose great aim it was
to be considered as a 'knowing card,' a 'fast-goer,' and so forth,
conducted himself in a very different manner, and commenced going
very fast indeed - rather too fast at last, for the patience of the
audience to keep pace with him.  On his first entry, he contented
himself by earnestly calling upon the gentlemen in the gallery to
'flare up,' accompanying the demand with another request,
expressive of his wish that they would instantaneously 'form a
union,' both which requisitions were responded to, in the manner
most in vogue on such occasions.

'Give that dog a bone!' cried one gentleman in his shirt-sleeves.

'Where have you been a having half a pint of intermediate beer?'
cried a second.  'Tailor!' screamed a third.  'Barber's clerk!'
shouted a fourth.  'Throw him O-VER!' roared a fifth; while
numerous voices concurred in desiring Mr. Thomas Potter to 'go home
to his mother!'  All these taunts Mr. Thomas Potter received with
supreme contempt, cocking the low-crowned hat a little more on one
side, whenever any reference was made to his personal appearance,
and, standing up with his arms a-kimbo, expressing defiance
melodramatically.

The overture - to which these various sounds had been an AD LIBITUM
accompaniment - concluded, the second piece began, and Mr. Thomas
Potter, emboldened by impunity, proceeded to behave in a most
unprecedented and outrageous manner.  First of all, he imitated the
shake of the principal female singer; then, groaned at the blue
fire; then, affected to be frightened into convulsions of terror at
the appearance of the ghost; and, lastly, not only made a running
commentary, in an audible voice, upon the dialogue on the stage,
but actually awoke Mr. Robert Smithers, who, hearing his companion
making a noise, and having a very indistinct notion where he was,
or what was required of him, immediately, by way of imitating a
good example, set up the most unearthly, unremitting, and appalling
howling that ever audience heard.  It was too much.  'Turn them
out!' was the general cry.  A noise, as of shuffling of feet, and
men being knocked up with violence against wainscoting, was heard:
a hurried dialogue of 'Come out?' - 'I won't!' - 'You shall!' - 'I
shan't!' - 'Give me your card, Sir?' - 'You're a scoundrel, Sir!'
and so forth, succeeded.  A round of applause betokened the
approbation of the audience, and Mr. Robert Smithers and Mr. Thomas
Potter found themselves shot with astonishing swiftness into the
road, without having had the trouble of once putting foot to ground
during the whole progress of their rapid descent.

Mr. Robert Smithers, being constitutionally one of the slow-goers,
and having had quite enough of fast-going, in the course of his
recent expulsion, to last until the quarter-day then next ensuing
at the very least, had no sooner emerged with his companion from
the precincts of Milton-street, than he proceeded to indulge in
circuitous references to the beauties of sleep, mingled with
distant allusions to the propriety of returning to Islington, and
testing the influence of their patent Bramahs over the street-door
locks to which they respectively belonged.  Mr. Thomas Potter,
however, was valorous and peremptory.  They had come out to make a
night of it:  and a night must be made.  So Mr. Robert Smithers,
who was three parts dull, and the other dismal, despairingly
assented; and they went into a wine-vaults, to get materials for
assisting them in making a night; where they found a good many
young ladies, and various old gentlemen, and a plentiful sprinkling
of hackney-coachmen and cab-drivers, all drinking and talking
together; and Mr. Thomas Potter and Mr. Robert Smithers drank small
glasses of brandy, and large glasses of soda, until they began to
have a very confused idea, either of things in general, or of
anything in particular; and, when they had done treating themselves
they began to treat everybody else; and the rest of the
entertainment was a confused mixture of heads and heels, black eyes
and blue uniforms, mud and gas-lights, thick doors, and stone
paving.

Then, as standard novelists expressively inform us - 'all was a
blank!' and in the morning the blank was filled up with the words
'STATION-HOUSE,' and the station-house was filled up with Mr.
Thomas Potter, Mr. Robert Smithers, and the major part of their
wine-vault companions of the preceding night, with a comparatively
small portion of clothing of any kind.  And it was disclosed at the
Police-office, to the indignation of the Bench, and the
astonishment of the spectators, how one Robert Smithers, aided and
abetted by one Thomas Potter, had knocked down and beaten, in
divers streets, at different times, five men, four boys, and three
women; how the said Thomas Potter had feloniously obtained
possession of five door-knockers, two bell-handles, and a bonnet;
how Robert Smithers, his friend, had sworn, at least forty pounds'
worth of oaths, at the rate of five shillings apiece; terrified
whole streets full of Her Majesty's subjects with awful shrieks and
alarms of fire; destroyed the uniforms of five policemen; and
committed various other atrocities, too numerous to recapitulate.
And the magistrate, after an appropriate reprimand, fined Mr.
Thomas Potter and Mr. Thomas Smithers five shillings each, for
being, what the law vulgarly terms, drunk; and thirty-four pounds
for seventeen assaults at forty shillings a-head, with liberty to
speak to the prosecutors.

The prosecutors WERE spoken to, and Messrs. Potter and Smithers
lived on credit, for a quarter, as best they might; and, although
the prosecutors expressed their readiness to be assaulted twice a
week, on the same terms, they have never since been detected in
'making a night of it.'



CHAPTER XII - THE PRISONERS' VAN



We were passing the corner of Bow-street, on our return from a
lounging excursion the other afternoon, when a crowd, assembled
round the door of the Police-office, attracted our attention.  We
turned up the street accordingly.  There were thirty or forty
people, standing on the pavement and half across the road; and a
few stragglers were patiently stationed on the opposite side of the
way - all evidently waiting in expectation of some arrival.  We
waited too, a few minutes, but nothing occurred; so, we turned
round to an unshorn, sallow-looking cobbler, who was standing next
us with his hands under the bib of his apron, and put the usual
question of 'What's the matter?'  The cobbler eyed us from head to
foot, with superlative contempt, and laconically replied 'Nuffin.'

Now, we were perfectly aware that if two men stop in the street to
look at any given object, or even to gaze in the air, two hundred
men will be assembled in no time; but, as we knew very well that no
crowd of people could by possibility remain in a street for five
minutes without getting up a little amusement among themselves,
unless they had some absorbing object in view, the natural inquiry
next in order was, 'What are all these people waiting here for?' -
'Her Majesty's carriage,' replied the cobbler.  This was still more
extraordinary.  We could not imagine what earthly business Her
Majesty's carriage could have at the Public Office, Bow-street.  We
were beginning to ruminate on the possible causes of such an
uncommon appearance, when a general exclamation from all the boys
in the crowd of 'Here's the wan!' caused us to raise our heads, and
look up the street.

The covered vehicle, in which prisoners are conveyed from the
police-offices to the different prisons, was coming along at full
speed.  It then occurred to us, for the first time, that Her
Majesty's carriage was merely another name for the prisoners' van,
conferred upon it, not only by reason of the superior gentility of
the term, but because the aforesaid van is maintained at Her
Majesty's expense:  having been originally started for the
exclusive accommodation of ladies and gentlemen under the necessity
of visiting the various houses of call known by the general
denomination of 'Her Majesty's Gaols.'

The van drew up at the office-door, and the people thronged round
the steps, just leaving a little alley for the prisoners to pass
through.  Our friend the cobbler, and the other stragglers, crossed
over, and we followed their example.  The driver, and another man
who had been seated by his side in front of the vehicle,
dismounted, and were admitted into the office.  The office-door was
closed after them, and the crowd were on the tiptoe of expectation.

After a few minutes' delay, the door again opened, and the two
first prisoners appeared.  They were a couple of girls, of whom the
elder - could not be more than sixteen, and the younger of whom had
certainly not attained her fourteenth year.  That they were
sisters, was evident, from the resemblance which still subsisted
between them, though two additional years of depravity had fixed
their brand upon the elder girl's features, as legibly as if a red-
hot iron had seared them.  They were both gaudily dressed, the
younger one especially; and, although there was a strong similarity
between them in both respects, which was rendered the more obvious
by their being handcuffed together, it is impossible to conceive a
greater contrast than the demeanour of the two presented.  The
younger girl was weeping bitterly - not for display, or in the hope
of producing effect, but for very shame:  her face was buried in
her handkerchief:  and her whole manner was but too expressive of
bitter and unavailing sorrow.

'How long are you for, Emily?' screamed a red-faced woman in the
crowd.  'Six weeks and labour,' replied the elder girl with a
flaunting laugh; 'and that's better than the stone jug anyhow; the
mill's a deal better than the Sessions, and here's Bella a-going
too for the first time.  Hold up your head, you chicken,' she
continued, boisterously tearing the other girl's handkerchief away;
'Hold up your head, and show 'em your face.  I an't jealous, but
I'm blessed if I an't game!' - 'That's right, old gal,' exclaimed a
man in a paper cap, who, in common with the greater part of the
crowd, had been inexpressibly delighted with this little incident.
- 'Right!' replied the girl; 'ah, to be sure; what's the odds, eh?'
- 'Come!  In with you,' interrupted the driver.  'Don't you be in a
hurry, coachman,' replied the girl, 'and recollect I want to be set
down in Cold Bath Fields - large house with a high garden-wall in
front; you can't mistake it.  Hallo.  Bella, where are you going to
- you'll pull my precious arm off?'  This was addressed to the
younger girl, who, in her anxiety to hide herself in the caravan,
had ascended the steps first, and forgotten the strain upon the
handcuff.  'Come down, and let's show you the way.'  And after
jerking the miserable girl down with a force which made her stagger
on the pavement, she got into the vehicle, and was followed by her
wretched companion.

These two girls had been thrown upon London streets, their vices
and debauchery, by a sordid and rapacious mother.  What the younger
girl was then, the elder had been once; and what the elder then
was, the younger must soon become.  A melancholy prospect, but how
surely to be realised; a tragic drama, but how often acted!  Turn
to the prisons and police offices of London - nay, look into the
very streets themselves.  These things pass before our eyes, day
after day, and hour after hour - they have become such matters of
course, that they are utterly disregarded.  The progress of these
girls in crime will be as rapid as the flight of a pestilence,
resembling it too in its baneful influence and wide-spreading
infection.  Step by step, how many wretched females, within the
sphere of every man's observation, have become involved in a career
of vice, frightful to contemplate; hopeless at its commencement,
loathsome and repulsive in its course; friendless, forlorn, and
unpitied, at its miserable conclusion!

There were other prisoners - boys of ten, as hardened in vice as
men of fifty - a houseless vagrant, going joyfully to prison as a
place of food and shelter, handcuffed to a man whose prospects were
ruined, character lost, and family rendered destitute, by his first
offence.  Our curiosity, however, was satisfied.  The first group
had left an impression on our mind we would gladly have avoided,
and would willingly have effaced.

The crowd dispersed; the vehicle rolled away with its load of guilt
and misfortune; and we saw no more of the Prisoners' Van.




TALES




CHAPTER I - THE BOARDING-HOUSE.



CHAPTER I.


Mrs. Tibbs was, beyond all dispute, the most tidy, fidgety, thrifty
little personage that ever inhaled the smoke of London; and the
house of Mrs. Tibbs was, decidedly, the neatest in all Great Coram-
street.  The area and the area-steps, and the street-door and the
street-door steps, and the brass handle, and the door-plate, and
the knocker, and the fan-light, were all as clean and bright, as
indefatigable white-washing, and hearth-stoning, and scrubbing and
rubbing, could make them.  The wonder was, that the brass door-
plate, with the interesting inscription 'MRS. TIBBS,' had never
caught fire from constant friction, so perseveringly was it
polished.  There were meat-safe-looking blinds in the parlour-
windows, blue and gold curtains in the drawing-room, and spring-
roller blinds, as Mrs. Tibbs was wont in the pride of her heart to
boast, 'all the way up.' The bell-lamp in the passage looked as
clear as a soap-bubble; you could see yourself in all the tables,
and French-polish yourself on any one of the chairs.  The banisters
were bees-waxed; and the very stair-wires made your eyes wink, they
were so glittering.

Mrs. Tibbs was somewhat short of stature, and Mr. Tibbs was by no
means a large man.  He had, moreover, very short legs, but, by way
of indemnification, his face was peculiarly long.  He was to his
wife what the 0 is in 90 - he was of some importance WITH her - he
was nothing without her.  Mrs. Tibbs was always talking.  Mr. Tibbs
rarely spoke; but, if it were at any time possible to put in a
word, when he should have said nothing at all, he had that talent.
Mrs. Tibbs detested long stories, and Mr. Tibbs had one, the
conclusion of which had never been heard by his most intimate
friends.  It always began, 'I recollect when I was in the volunteer
corps, in eighteen hundred and six,' - but, as he spoke very slowly
and softly, and his better half very quickly and loudly, he rarely
got beyond the introductory sentence.  He was a melancholy specimen
of the story-teller.   He was the wandering Jew of Joe Millerism.

Mr. Tibbs enjoyed a small independence from the pension-list -
about 43L. 15S. 10D. a year.  His father, mother, and five
interesting scions from the same stock, drew a like sum from the
revenue of a grateful country, though for what particular service
was never known.  But, as this said independence was not quite
sufficient to furnish two people with ALL the luxuries of this
life, it had occurred to the busy little spouse of Tibbs, that the
best thing she could do with a legacy of 700L., would be to take
and furnish a tolerable house - somewhere in that partially-
explored tract of country which lies between the British Museum,
and a remote village called Somers-town - for the reception of
boarders.  Great Coram-street was the spot pitched upon.  The house
had been furnished accordingly; two female servants and a boy
engaged; and an advertisement inserted in the morning papers,
informing the public that 'Six individuals would meet with all the
comforts of a cheerful musical home in a select private family,
residing within ten minutes' walk of' - everywhere.  Answers out of
number were received, with all sorts of initials; all the letters
of the alphabet seemed to be seized with a sudden wish to go out
boarding and lodging; voluminous was the correspondence between
Mrs. Tibbs and the applicants; and most profound was the secrecy
observed.  'E.' didn't like this; 'I.' couldn't think of putting up
with that; 'I. O. U.' didn't think the terms would suit him; and
'G. R.' had never slept in a French bed.  The result, however, was,
that three gentlemen became inmates of Mrs. Tibbs's house, on terms
which were 'agreeable to all parties.'  In went the advertisement
again, and a lady with her two daughters, proposed to increase -
not their families, but Mrs. Tibbs's.

'Charming woman, that Mrs. Maplesone!' said Mrs. Tibbs, as she and
her spouse were sitting by the fire after breakfast; the gentlemen
having gone out on their several avocations.  'Charming woman,
indeed!' repeated little Mrs. Tibbs, more by way of soliloquy than
anything else, for she never thought of consulting her husband.
'And the two daughters are delightful.  We must have some fish to-
day; they'll join us at dinner for the first time.'

Mr. Tibbs placed the poker at right angles with the fire shovel,
and essayed to speak, but recollected he had nothing to say.

'The young ladies,' continued Mrs. T., 'have kindly volunteered to
bring their own piano.'

Tibbs thought of the volunteer story, but did not venture it.

A bright thought struck him -

'It's very likely - ' said he.

'Pray don't lean your head against the paper,' interrupted Mrs.
Tibbs; 'and don't put your feet on the steel fender; that's worse.'

Tibbs took his head from the paper, and his feet from the fender,
and proceeded.  'It's very likely one of the young ladies may set
her cap at young Mr. Simpson, and you know a marriage - '

'A what!' shrieked Mrs. Tibbs.  Tibbs modestly repeated his former
suggestion.

'I beg you won't mention such a thing,' said Mrs. T.  'A marriage,
indeed to rob me of my boarders - no, not for the world.'

Tibbs thought in his own mind that the event was by no means
unlikely, but, as he never argued with his wife, he put a stop to
the dialogue, by observing it was 'time to go to business.'  He
always went out at ten o'clock in the morning, and returned at five
in the afternoon, with an exceedingly dirty face, and smelling
mouldy.  Nobody knew what he was, or where he went; but Mrs. Tibbs
used to say with an air of great importance, that he was engaged in
the City.

The Miss Maplesones and their accomplished parent arrived in the
course of the afternoon in a hackney-coach, and accompanied by a
most astonishing number of packages.  Trunks, bonnet-boxes, muff-
boxes and parasols, guitar-cases, and parcels of all imaginable
shapes, done up in brown paper, and fastened with pins, filled the
passage.  Then, there was such a running up and down with the
luggage, such scampering for warm water for the ladies to wash in,
and such a bustle, and confusion, and heating of servants, and
curling-irons, as had never been known in Great Coram-street
before.  Little Mrs. Tibbs was quite in her element, bustling
about, talking incessantly, and distributing towels and soap, like
a head nurse in a hospital.  The house was not restored to its
usual state of quiet repose, until the ladies were safely shut up
in their respective bedrooms, engaged in the important occupation
of dressing for dinner.

'Are these gals 'andsome?' inquired Mr. Simpson of Mr. Septimus
Hicks, another of the boarders, as they were amusing themselves in
the drawing-room, before dinner, by lolling on sofas, and
contemplating their pumps.

'Don't know,' replied Mr. Septimus Hicks, who was a tallish, white-
faced young man, with spectacles, and a black ribbon round his neck
instead of a neckerchief - a most interesting person; a poetical
walker of the hospitals, and a 'very talented young man.'  He was
fond of 'lugging' into conversation all sorts of quotations from
Don Juan, without fettering himself by the propriety of their
application; in which particular he was remarkably independent.
The other, Mr. Simpson, was one of those young men, who are in
society what walking gentlemen are on the stage, only infinitely
worse skilled in his vocation than the most indifferent artist.  He
was as empty-headed as the great bell of St. Paul's; always dressed
according to the caricatures published in the monthly fashion; and
spelt Character with a K.

'I saw a devilish number of parcels in the passage when I came
home,' simpered Mr. Simpson.

'Materials for the toilet, no doubt,' rejoined the Don Juan reader.


- 'Much linen, lace, and several pair
Of stockings, slippers, brushes, combs, complete;
With other articles of ladies fair,
To keep them beautiful, or leave them neat.'


'Is that from Milton?' inquired Mr. Simpson.

'No - from Byron,' returned Mr. Hicks, with a look of contempt.  He
was quite sure of his author, because he had never read any other.
'Hush!  Here come the gals,' and they both commenced talking in a
very loud key.

'Mrs. Maplesone and the Miss Maplesones, Mr. Hicks.  Mr. Hicks -
Mrs. Maplesone and the Miss Maplesones,' said Mrs. Tibbs, with a
very red face, for she had been superintending the cooking
operations below stairs, and looked like a wax doll on a sunny day.
'Mr. Simpson, I beg your pardon - Mr. Simpson - Mrs. Maplesone and
the Miss Maplesones' - and VICE VERSA.  The gentlemen immediately
began to slide about with much politeness, and to look as if they
wished their arms had been legs, so little did they know what to do
with them.  The ladies smiled, curtseyed, and glided into chairs,
and dived for dropped pocket-handkerchiefs:  the gentlemen leant
against two of the curtain-pegs; Mrs. Tibbs went through an
admirable bit of serious pantomime with a servant who had come up
to ask some question about the fish-sauce; and then the two young
ladies looked at each other; and everybody else appeared to
discover something very attractive in the pattern of the fender.

'Julia, my love,' said Mrs. Maplesone to her youngest daughter, in
a tone loud enough for the remainder of the company to hear -
'Julia.'

'Yes, Ma.'

'Don't stoop.' - This was said for the purpose of directing general
attention to Miss Julia's figure, which was undeniable.  Everybody
looked at her, accordingly, and there was another pause.

'We had the most uncivil hackney-coachman to-day, you can imagine,'
said Mrs. Maplesone to Mrs. Tibbs, in a confidential tone.

'Dear me!' replied the hostess, with an air of great commiseration.
She couldn't say more, for the servant again appeared at the door,
and commenced telegraphing most earnestly to her 'Missis.'

'I think hackney-coachmen generally ARE uncivil,' said Mr. Hicks in
his most insinuating tone.

'Positively I think they are,' replied Mrs. Maplesone, as if the
idea had never struck her before.

'And cabmen, too,' said Mr. Simpson.  This remark was a failure,
for no one intimated, by word or sign, the slightest knowledge of
the manners and customs of cabmen.

'Robinson, what DO you want?' said Mrs. Tibbs to the servant, who,
by way of making her presence known to her mistress, had been
giving sundry hems and sniffs outside the door during the preceding
five minutes.

'Please, ma'am, master wants his clean things,' replied the
servant, taken off her guard.  The two young men turned their faces
to the window, and 'went off' like a couple of bottles of ginger-
beer; the ladies put their handkerchiefs to their mouths; and
little Mrs. Tibbs bustled out of the room to give Tibbs his clean
linen, - and the servant warning.

Mr. Calton, the remaining boarder, shortly afterwards made his
appearance, and proved a surprising promoter of the conversation.
Mr. Calton was a superannuated beau - an old boy.  He used to say
of himself that although his features were not regularly handsome,
they were striking.  They certainly were.  It was impossible to
look at his face without being reminded of a chubby street-door
knocker, half-lion half-monkey; and the comparison might be
extended to his whole character and conversation.  He had stood
still, while everything else had been moving.  He never originated
a conversation, or started an idea; but if any commonplace topic
were broached, or, to pursue the comparison, if anybody LIFTED HIM
UP, he would hammer away with surprising rapidity.  He had the tic-
douloureux occasionally, and then he might be said to be muffled,
because he did not make quite as much noise as at other times, when
he would go on prosing, rat-tat-tat the same thing over and over
again.  He had never been married; but he was still on the look-out
for a wife with money.  He had a life interest worth about 300L. a
year - he was exceedingly vain, and inordinately selfish.  He had
acquired the reputation of being the very pink of politeness, and
he walked round the park, and up Regent-street, every day.

This respectable personage had made up his mind to render himself
exceedingly agreeable to Mrs. Maplesone - indeed, the desire of
being as amiable as possible extended itself to the whole party;
Mrs. Tibbs having considered it an admirable little bit of
management to represent to the gentlemen that she had SOME reason
to believe the ladies were fortunes, and to hint to the ladies,
that all the gentlemen were 'eligible.'  A little flirtation, she
thought, might keep her house full, without leading to any other
result.

Mrs. Maplesone was an enterprising widow of about fifty:  shrewd,
scheming, and good-looking.  She was amiably anxious on behalf of
her daughters; in proof whereof she used to remark, that she would
have no objection to marry again, if it would benefit her dear
girls - she could have no other motive.  The 'dear girls'
themselves were not at all insensible to the merits of 'a good
establishment.'  One of them was twenty-five; the other, three
years younger.  They had been at different watering-places, for
four seasons; they had gambled at libraries, read books in
balconies, sold at fancy fairs, danced at assemblies, talked
sentiment - in short, they had done all that industrious girls
could do - but, as yet, to no purpose.

'What a magnificent dresser Mr. Simpson is!' whispered Matilda
Maplesone to her sister Julia.

'Splendid!' returned the youngest.  The magnificent individual
alluded to wore a maroon-coloured dress-coat, with a velvet collar
and cuffs of the same tint - very like that which usually invests
the form of the distinguished unknown who condescends to play the
'swell' in the pantomime at 'Richardson's Show.'

'What whiskers!' said Miss Julia.

'Charming!' responded her sister; 'and what hair!'  His hair was
like a wig, and distinguished by that insinuating wave which graces
the shining locks of those CHEF-D'OEUVRES of art surmounting the
waxen images in Bartellot's window in Regent-street; his whiskers
meeting beneath his chin, seemed strings wherewith to tie it on,
ere science had rendered them unnecessary by her patent invisible
springs.

'Dinner's on the table, ma'am, if you please,' said the boy, who
now appeared for the first time, in a revived black coat of his
master's.

'Oh!  Mr. Calton, will you lead Mrs. Maplesone? - Thank you.'  Mr.
Simpson offered his arm to Miss Julia; Mr. Septimus Hicks escorted
the lovely Matilda; and the procession proceeded to the dining-
room.  Mr. Tibbs was introduced, and Mr. Tibbs bobbed up and down
to the three ladies like a figure in a Dutch clock, with a powerful
spring in the middle of his body, and then dived rapidly into his
seat at the bottom of the table, delighted to screen himself behind
a soup-tureen, which he could just see over, and that was all.  The
boarders were seated, a lady and gentleman alternately, like the
layers of bread and meat in a plate of sandwiches; and then Mrs.
Tibbs directed James to take off the covers.  Salmon, lobster-
sauce, giblet-soup, and the usual accompaniments were discovered:
potatoes like petrifactions, and bits of toasted bread, the shape
and size of blank dice.

'Soup for Mrs. Maplesone, my dear,' said the bustling Mrs. Tibbs.
She always called her husband 'my dear' before company.  Tibbs, who
had been eating his bread, and calculating how long it would be
before he should get any fish, helped the soup in a hurry, made a
small island on the table-cloth, and put his glass upon it, to hide
it from his wife.

'Miss Julia, shall I assist you to some fish?'

'If you please - very little - oh! plenty, thank you' (a bit about
the size of a walnut put upon the plate).

'Julia is a VERY little eater,' said Mrs. Maplesone to Mr. Calton.

The knocker gave a single rap.  He was busy eating the fish with
his eyes:  so he only ejaculated, 'Ah!'

'My dear,' said Mrs. Tibbs to her spouse after every one else had
been helped, 'what do YOU take?'  The inquiry was accompanied with
a look intimating that he mustn't say fish, because there was not
much left.  Tibbs thought the frown referred to the island on the
table-cloth; he therefore coolly replied, 'Why - I'll take a little
- fish, I think.'

'Did you say fish, my dear?' (another frown).

'Yes, dear,' replied the villain, with an expression of acute
hunger depicted in his countenance.  The tears almost started to
Mrs. Tibbs's eyes, as she helped her 'wretch of a husband,' as she
inwardly called him, to the last eatable bit of salmon on the dish.

'James, take this to your master, and take away your master's
knife.'  This was deliberate revenge, as Tibbs never could eat fish
without one.  He was, however, constrained to chase small particles
of salmon round and round his plate with a piece of bread and a
fork, the number of successful attempts being about one in
seventeen.

'Take away, James,' said Mrs. Tibbs, as Tibbs swallowed the fourth
mouthful - and away went the plates like lightning.

'I'll take a bit of bread, James,' said the poor 'master of the
house,' more hungry than ever.

'Never mind your master now, James,' said Mrs. Tibbs, 'see about
the meat.'  This was conveyed in the tone in which ladies usually
give admonitions to servants in company, that is to say, a low one;
but which, like a stage whisper, from its peculiar emphasis, is
most distinctly heard by everybody present.

A pause ensued, before the table was replenished - a sort of
parenthesis in which Mr. Simpson, Mr. Calton, and Mr. Hicks,
produced respectively a bottle of sauterne, bucellas, and sherry,
and took wine with everybody - except Tibbs.  No one ever thought
of him.

Between the fish and an intimated sirloin, there was a prolonged
interval.

Here was an opportunity for Mr. Hicks.  He could not resist the
singularly appropriate quotation -


'But beef is rare within these oxless isles;
Goats' flesh there is, no doubt, and kid, and mutton,
And when a holiday upon them smiles,
A joint upon their barbarous spits they put on.'


'Very ungentlemanly behaviour,' thought little Mrs. Tibbs, 'to talk
in that way.'

'Ah,' said Mr. Calton, filling his glass.  'Tom Moore is my poet.'

'And mine,' said Mrs. Maplesone.

'And mine,' said Miss Julia.

'And mine,' added Mr. Simpson.

'Look at his compositions,' resumed the knocker.

'To be sure,' said Simpson, with confidence.

'Look at Don Juan,' replied Mr. Septimus Hicks.

'Julia's letter,' suggested Miss Matilda.

'Can anything be grander than the Fire Worshippers?' inquired Miss
Julia.

'To be sure,' said Simpson.

'Or Paradise and the Peri,' said the old beau.

'Yes; or Paradise and the Peer,' repeated Simpson, who thought he
was getting through it capitally.

'It's all very well,' replied Mr. Septimus Hicks, who, as we have
before hinted, never had read anything but Don Juan.  'Where will
you find anything finer than the description of the siege, at the
commencement of the seventh canto?'

'Talking of a siege,' said Tibbs, with a mouthful of bread - 'when
I was in the volunteer corps, in eighteen hundred and six, our
commanding officer was Sir Charles Rampart; and one day, when we
were exercising on the ground on which the London University now
stands, he says, says he, Tibbs (calling me from the ranks), Tibbs
- '

'Tell your master, James,' interrupted Mrs. Tibbs, in an awfully
distinct tone, 'tell your master if he WON'T carve those fowls, to
send them to me.'  The discomfited volunteer instantly set to work,
and carved the fowls almost as expeditiously as his wife operated
on the haunch of mutton.  Whether he ever finished the story is not
known but, if he did, nobody heard it.

As the ice was now broken, and the new inmates more at home, every
member of the company felt more at ease.  Tibbs himself most
certainly did, because he went to sleep immediately after dinner.
Mr. Hicks and the ladies discoursed most eloquently about poetry,
and the theatres, and Lord Chesterfield's Letters; and Mr. Calton
followed up what everybody said, with continuous double knocks.
Mrs. Tibbs highly approved of every observation that fell from Mrs.
Maplesone; and as Mr. Simpson sat with a smile upon his face and
said 'Yes,' or 'Certainly,' at intervals of about four minutes
each, he received full credit for understanding what was going
forward.  The gentlemen rejoined the ladies in the drawing-room
very shortly after they had left the dining-parlour.  Mrs.
Maplesone and Mr. Calton played cribbage, and the 'young people'
amused themselves with music and conversation.  The Miss Maplesones
sang the most fascinating duets, and accompanied themselves on
guitars, ornamented with bits of ethereal blue ribbon.  Mr. Simpson
put on a pink waistcoat, and said he was in raptures; and Mr. Hicks
felt in the seventh heaven of poetry or the seventh canto of Don
Juan - it was the same thing to him.  Mrs. Tibbs was quite charmed
with the newcomers; and Mr. Tibbs spent the evening in his usual
way - he went to sleep, and woke up, and went to sleep again, and
woke at supper-time.

* * * * *

We are not about to adopt the licence of novel-writers, and to let
'years roll on;' but we will take the liberty of requesting the
reader to suppose that six months have elapsed, since the dinner we
have described, and that Mrs. Tibbs's boarders have, during that
period, sang, and danced, and gone to theatres and exhibitions,
together, as ladies and gentlemen, wherever they board, often do.
And we will beg them, the period we have mentioned having elapsed,
to imagine farther, that Mr. Septimus Hicks received, in his own
bedroom (a front attic), at an early hour one morning, a note from
Mr. Calton, requesting the favour of seeing him, as soon as
convenient to himself, in his (Calton's) dressing-room on the
second-floor back.

'Tell Mr. Calton I'll come down directly,' said Mr. Septimus to the
boy.  'Stop - is Mr. Calton unwell?' inquired this excited walker
of hospitals, as he put on a bed-furniture-looking dressing-gown.

'Not as I knows on, sir,' replied the boy.  ' Please, sir, he
looked rather rum, as it might be.'

'Ah, that's no proof of his being ill,' returned Hicks,
unconsciously.  'Very well:  I'll be down directly.'  Downstairs
ran the boy with the message, and down went the excited Hicks
himself, almost as soon as the message was delivered.  'Tap, tap.'
'Come in.' - Door opens, and discovers Mr. Calton sitting in an
easy chair.  Mutual shakes of the hand exchanged, and Mr. Septimus
Hicks motioned to a seat.  A short pause.  Mr. Hicks coughed, and
Mr. Calton took a pinch of snuff.  It was one of those interviews
where neither party knows what to say.  Mr. Septimus Hicks broke
silence.

'I received a note - ' he said, very tremulously, in a voice like a
Punch with a cold.

'Yes,' returned the other, 'you did.'

'Exactly.'

'Yes.'

Now, although this dialogue must have been satisfactory, both
gentlemen felt there was something more important to be said;
therefore they did as most men in such a situation would have done
- they looked at the table with a determined aspect.  The
conversation had been opened, however, and Mr. Calton had made up
his mind to continue it with a regular double knock.  He always
spoke very pompously.

'Hicks,' said he, 'I have sent for you, in consequence of certain
arrangements which are pending in this house, connected with a
marriage.'

'With a marriage!' gasped Hicks, compared with whose expression of
countenance, Hamlet's, when he sees his father's ghost, is pleasing
and composed.

'With a marriage,' returned the knocker.  'I have sent for you to
prove the great confidence I can repose in you.'

'And will you betray me?' eagerly inquired Hicks, who in his alarm
had even forgotten to quote.

'I betray YOU!  Won't YOU betray ME?'

'Never:  no one shall know, to my dying day, that you had a hand in
the business,' responded the agitated Hicks, with an inflamed
countenance, and his hair standing on end as if he were on the
stool of an electrifying machine in full operation.

'People must know that, some time or other - within a year, I
imagine,' said Mr. Calton, with an air of great self-complacency.
'We MAY have a family.'

'WE! - That won't affect you, surely?'

'The devil it won't!'

'No! how can it?' said the bewildered Hicks.  Calton was too much
inwrapped in the contemplation of his happiness to see the
equivoque between Hicks and himself; and threw himself back in his
chair.  'Oh, Matilda!' sighed the antique beau, in a lack-a-
daisical voice, and applying his right hand a little to the left of
the fourth button of his waistcoat, counting from the bottom.  'Oh,
Matilda!'

'What Matilda?' inquired Hicks, starting up.

'Matilda Maplesone,' responded the other, doing the same.

'I marry her to-morrow morning,' said Hicks.

'It's false,' rejoined his companion:  'I marry her!'

'You marry her?'

'I marry her!'

'You marry Matilda Maplesone?'

'Matilda Maplesone.'

'MISS Maplesone marry YOU?'

'Miss Maplesone!  No; Mrs. Maplesone.'

'Good Heaven!' said Hicks, falling into his chair:  'You marry the
mother, and I the daughter!'

'Most extraordinary circumstance!' replied Mr. Calton, 'and rather
inconvenient too; for the fact is, that owing to Matilda's wishing
to keep her intention secret from her daughters until the ceremony
had taken place, she doesn't like applying to any of her friends to
give her away.  I entertain an objection to making the affair known
to my acquaintance just now; and the consequence is, that I sent to
you to know whether you'd oblige me by acting as father.'

'I should have been most happy, I assure you,' said Hicks, in a
tone of condolence; 'but, you see, I shall be acting as bridegroom.
One character is frequently a consequence of the other; but it is
not usual to act in both at the same time.  There's Simpson - I
have no doubt he'll do it for you.'

'I don't like to ask him,' replied Calton, 'he's such a donkey.'

Mr. Septimus Hicks looked up at the ceiling, and down at the floor;
at last an idea struck him.  'Let the man of the house, Tibbs, be
the father,' he suggested; and then he quoted, as peculiarly
applicable to Tibbs and the pair -


'Oh Powers of Heaven! what dark eyes meets she there?
'Tis - 'tis her father's - fixed upon the pair.'


'The idea has struck me already,' said Mr. Calton:  'but, you see,
Matilda, for what reason I know not, is very anxious that Mrs.
Tibbs should know nothing about it, till it's all over.  It's a
natural delicacy, after all, you know.'

'He's the best-natured little man in existence, if you manage him
properly,' said Mr. Septimus Hicks.  'Tell him not to mention it to
his wife, and assure him she won't mind it, and he'll do it
directly.  My marriage is to be a secret one, on account of the
mother and MY father; therefore he must be enjoined to secrecy.'

A small double knock, like a presumptuous single one, was that
instant heard at the street-door.  It was Tibbs; it could be no one
else; for no one else occupied five minutes in rubbing his shoes.
He had been out to pay the baker's bill.

'Mr. Tibbs,' called Mr. Calton in a very bland tone, looking over
the banisters.

'Sir!' replied he of the dirty face.

'Will you have the kindness to step up-stairs for a moment?'

'Certainly, sir,' said Tibbs, delighted to be taken notice of.  The
bedroom-door was carefully closed, and Tibbs, having put his hat on
the floor (as most timid men do), and been accommodated with a
seat, looked as astounded as if he were suddenly summoned before
the familiars of the Inquisition.

'A rather unpleasant occurrence, Mr. Tibbs,' said Calton, in a very
portentous manner, 'obliges me to consult you, and to beg you will
not communicate what I am about to say, to your wife.'

Tibbs acquiesced, wondering in his own mind what the deuce the
other could have done, and imagining that at least he must have
broken the best decanters.

Mr. Calton resumed; 'I am placed, Mr. Tibbs, in rather an
unpleasant situation.'

Tibbs looked at Mr. Septimus Hicks, as if he thought Mr. H.'s being
in the immediate vicinity of his fellow-boarder might constitute
the unpleasantness of his situation; but as he did not exactly know
what to say, he merely ejaculated the monosyllable 'Lor!'

'Now,' continued the knocker, 'let me beg you will exhibit no
manifestations of surprise, which may be overheard by the
domestics, when I tell you - command your feelings of astonishment
- that two inmates of this house intend to be married to-morrow
morning.'  And he drew back his chair, several feet, to perceive
the effect of the unlooked-for announcement.

If Tibbs had rushed from the room, staggered down-stairs, and
fainted in the passage - if he had instantaneously jumped out of
the window into the mews behind the house, in an agony of surprise
- his behaviour would have been much less inexplicable to Mr.
Calton than it was, when he put his hands into his inexpressible-
pockets, and said with a half-chuckle, 'Just so.'

'You are not surprised, Mr. Tibbs?' inquired Mr. Calton.

'Bless you, no, sir,' returned Tibbs; 'after all, its very natural.
When two young people get together, you know - '

'Certainly, certainly,' said Calton, with an indescribable air of
self-satisfaction.

'You don't think it's at all an out-of-the-way affair then?' asked
Mr. Septimus Hicks, who had watched the countenance of Tibbs in
mute astonishment.

'No, sir,' replied Tibbs; 'I was just the same at his age.'  He
actually smiled when he said this.

'How devilish well I must carry my years!' thought the delighted
old beau, knowing he was at least ten years older than Tibbs at
that moment.

'Well, then, to come to the point at once,' he continued, 'I have
to ask you whether you will object to act as father on the
occasion?'

'Certainly not,' replied Tibbs; still without evincing an atom of
surprise.

'You will not?'

'Decidedly not,' reiterated Tibbs, still as calm as a pot of porter
with the head off.

Mr. Calton seized the hand of the petticoat-governed little man,
and vowed eternal friendship from that hour.  Hicks, who was all
admiration and surprise, did the same.

'Now, confess,' asked Mr. Calton of Tibbs, as he picked up his hat,
'were you not a little surprised?'

'I b'lieve you!' replied that illustrious person, holding up one
hand; 'I b'lieve you!  When I first heard of it.'

'So sudden,' said Septimus Hicks.

'So strange to ask ME, you know,' said Tibbs.

'So odd altogether!' said the superannuated love-maker; and then
all three laughed.

'I say,' said Tibbs, shutting the door which he had previously
opened, and giving full vent to a hitherto corked-up giggle, 'what
bothers me is, what WILL his father say?'

Mr. Septimus Hicks looked at Mr. Calton.

'Yes; but the best of it is,' said the latter, giggling in his
turn, 'I haven't got a father - he! he! he!'

'You haven't got a father.  No; but HE has,' said Tibbs.

'WHO has?' inquired Septimus Hicks.

'Why, HIM.'

'Him, who?  Do you know my secret?  Do you mean me?'

'You!  No; you know who I mean,' returned Tibbs with a knowing
wink.

'For Heaven's sake, whom do you mean?' inquired Mr. Calton, who,
like Septimus Hicks, was all but out of his senses at the strange
confusion.

'Why Mr. Simpson, of course,' replied Tibbs; 'who else could I
mean?'

'I see it all,' said the Byron-quoter; 'Simpson marries Julia
Maplesone to-morrow morning!'

'Undoubtedly,' replied Tibbs, thoroughly satisfied, 'of course he
does.'

It would require the pencil of Hogarth to illustrate - our feeble
pen is inadequate to describe - the expression which the
countenances of Mr. Calton and Mr. Septimus Hicks respectively
assumed, at this unexpected announcement.  Equally impossible is it
to describe, although perhaps it is easier for our lady readers to
imagine, what arts the three ladies could have used, so completely
to entangle their separate partners.  Whatever they were, however,
they were successful.  The mother was perfectly aware of the
intended marriage of both daughters; and the young ladies were
equally acquainted with the intention of their estimable parent.
They agreed, however, that it would have a much better appearance
if each feigned ignorance of the other's engagement; and it was
equally desirable that all the marriages should take place on the
same day, to prevent the discovery of one clandestine alliance,
operating prejudicially on the others.  Hence, the mystification of
Mr. Calton and Mr. Septimus Hicks, and the pre-engagement of the
unwary Tibbs.

On the following morning, Mr. Septimus Hicks was united to Miss
Matilda Maplesone.  Mr. Simpson also entered into a 'holy alliance'
with Miss Julia; Tibbs acting as father, 'his first appearance in
that character.'  Mr. Calton, not being quite so eager as the two
young men, was rather struck by the double discovery; and as he had
found some difficulty in getting any one to give the lady away, it
occurred to him that the best mode of obviating the inconvenience
would be not to take her at all.  The lady, however, 'appealed,' as
her counsel said on the trial of the cause, MAPLESONE v. CALTON,
for a breach of promise, 'with a broken heart, to the outraged laws
of her country.'  She recovered damages to the amount of 1,000L.
which the unfortunate knocker was compelled to pay.  Mr. Septimus
Hicks having walked the hospitals, took it into his head to walk
off altogether.  His injured wife is at present residing with her
mother at Boulogne.  Mr. Simpson, having the misfortune to lose his
wife six weeks after marriage (by her eloping with an officer
during his temporary sojourn in the Fleet Prison, in consequence of
his inability to discharge her little mantua-maker's bill), and
being disinherited by his father, who died soon afterwards, was
fortunate enough to obtain a permanent engagement at a fashionable
haircutter's; hairdressing being a science to which he had
frequently directed his attention.  In this situation he had
necessarily many opportunities of making himself acquainted with
the habits, and style of thinking, of the exclusive portion of the
nobility of this kingdom.  To this fortunate circumstance are we
indebted for the production of those brilliant efforts of genius,
his fashionable novels, which so long as good taste, unsullied by
exaggeration, cant, and quackery, continues to exist, cannot fail
to instruct and amuse the thinking portion of the community.

It only remains to add, that this complication of disorders
completely deprived poor Mrs. Tibbs of all her inmates, except the
one whom she could have best spared - her husband.  That wretched
little man returned home, on the day of the wedding, in a state of
partial intoxication; and, under the influence of wine, excitement,
and despair, actually dared to brave the anger of his wife.  Since
that ill-fated hour he has constantly taken his meals in the
kitchen, to which apartment, it is understood, his witticisms will
be in future confined:  a turn-up bedstead having been conveyed
there by Mrs. Tibbs's order for his exclusive accommodation.  It is
possible that he will be enabled to finish, in that seclusion, his
story of the volunteers.

The advertisement has again appeared in the morning papers.
Results must be reserved for another chapter.


CHAPTER THE SECOND.


'Well!' said little Mrs. Tibbs to herself, as she sat in the front
parlour of the Coram-street mansion one morning, mending a piece of
stair-carpet off the first Landings; - 'Things have not turned out
so badly, either, and if I only get a favourable answer to the
advertisement, we shall be full again.'

Mrs. Tibbs resumed her occupation of making worsted lattice-work in
the carpet, anxiously listening to the twopenny postman, who was
hammering his way down the street, at the rate of a penny a knock.
The house was as quiet as possible.  There was only one low sound
to be heard - it was the unhappy Tibbs cleaning the gentlemen's
boots in the back kitchen, and accompanying himself with a buzzing
noise, in wretched mockery of humming a tune.

The postman drew near the house.  He paused - so did Mrs. Tibbs.  A
knock - a bustle - a letter - post-paid.


'T. I. presents compt. to I. T. and T. I. begs To say that i see
the advertisement And she will Do Herself the pleasure of calling
On you at 12 o'clock to-morrow morning.

'T. I. as To apologise to I. T. for the shortness Of the notice But
i hope it will not unconvenience you.

'I remain yours Truly

'Wednesday evening.'


Little Mrs. Tibbs perused the document, over and over again; and
the more she read it, the more was she confused by the mixture of
the first and third person; the substitution of the 'i' for the 'T.
I.;' and the transition from the 'I.  T.' to the 'You.'  The
writing looked like a skein of thread in a tangle, and the note was
ingeniously folded into a perfect square, with the direction
squeezed up into the right-hand corner, as if it were ashamed of
itself.  The back of the epistle was pleasingly ornamented with a
large red wafer, which, with the addition of divers ink-stains,
bore a marvellous resemblance to a black beetle trodden upon.  One
thing, however, was perfectly clear to the perplexed Mrs. Tibbs.
Somebody was to call at twelve.  The drawing-room was forthwith
dusted for the third time that morning; three or four chairs were
pulled out of their places, and a corresponding number of books
carefully upset, in order that there might be a due absence of
formality.  Down went the piece of stair-carpet before noticed, and
up ran Mrs. Tibbs 'to make herself tidy.'

The clock of New Saint Pancras Church struck twelve, and the
Foundling, with laudable politeness, did the same ten minutes
afterwards, Saint something else struck the quarter, and then there
arrived a single lady with a double knock, in a pelisse the colour
of the interior of a damson pie; a bonnet of the same, with a
regular conservatory of artificial flowers; a white veil, and a
green parasol, with a cobweb border.

The visitor (who was very fat and red-faced) was shown into the
drawing-room; Mrs. Tibbs presented herself, and the negotiation
commenced.

'I called in consequence of an advertisement,' said the stranger,
in a voice as if she had been playing a set of Pan's pipes for a
fortnight without leaving off.

'Yes!' said Mrs. Tibbs, rubbing her hands very slowly, and looking
the applicant full in the face - two things she always did on such
occasions.

'Money isn't no object whatever to me,' said the lady, 'so much as
living in a state of retirement and obtrusion.'

Mrs. Tibbs, as a matter of course, acquiesced in such an
exceedingly natural desire.

'I am constantly attended by a medical man,' resumed the pelisse
wearer; 'I have been a shocking unitarian for some time - I,
indeed, have had very little peace since the death of Mr. Bloss.'

Mrs. Tibbs looked at the relict of the departed Bloss, and thought
he must have had very little peace in his time.  Of course she
could not say so; so she looked very sympathising.

'I shall be a good deal of trouble to you,' said Mrs. Bloss; 'but,
for that trouble I am willing to pay.  I am going through a course
of treatment which renders attention necessary.  I have one mutton-
chop in bed at half-past eight, and another at ten, every morning.'

Mrs. Tibbs, as in duty bound, expressed the pity she felt for
anybody placed in such a distressing situation; and the carnivorous
Mrs. Bloss proceeded to arrange the various preliminaries with
wonderful despatch.  'Now mind,' said that lady, after terms were
arranged; 'I am to have the second-floor front, for my bed-room?'

'Yes, ma'am.'

'And you'll find room for my little servant Agnes?'

'Oh! certainly.'

'And I can have one of the cellars in the area for my bottled
porter.'

'With the greatest pleasure; - James shall get it ready for you by
Saturday.'

'And I'll join the company at the breakfast-table on Sunday
morning,' said Mrs. Bloss.  'I shall get up on purpose.'

'Very well,' returned Mrs. Tibbs, in her most amiable tone; for
satisfactory references had 'been given and required,' and it was
quite certain that the new-comer had plenty of money.  'It's rather
singular,' continued Mrs. Tibbs, with what was meant for a most
bewitching smile, 'that we have a gentleman now with us, who is in
a very delicate state of health - a Mr. Gobler. - His apartment is
the back drawing-room.'

'The next room?' inquired Mrs. Bloss.

'The next room,' repeated the hostess.

'How very promiscuous!' ejaculated the widow.

'He hardly ever gets up,' said Mrs. Tibbs in a whisper.

'Lor!' cried Mrs. Bloss, in an equally low tone.

'And when he is up,' said Mrs. Tibbs, 'we never can persuade him to
go to bed again.'

'Dear me!' said the astonished Mrs. Bloss, drawing her chair nearer
Mrs. Tibbs.  'What is his complaint?'

'Why, the fact is,' replied Mrs. Tibbs, with a most communicative
air, 'he has no stomach whatever.'

'No what?' inquired Mrs. Bloss, with a look of the most
indescribable alarm.

'No stomach,' repeated Mrs. Tibbs, with a shake of the head.

'Lord bless us! what an extraordinary case!' gasped Mrs. Bloss, as
if she understood the communication in its literal sense, and was
astonished at a gentleman without a stomach finding it necessary to
board anywhere.

'When I say he has no stomach,' explained the chatty little Mrs.
Tibbs, 'I mean that his digestion is so much impaired, and his
interior so deranged, that his stomach is not of the least use to
him; - in fact, it's an inconvenience.'

'Never heard such a case in my life!' exclaimed Mrs. Bloss.  'Why,
he's worse than I am.'

'Oh, yes!' replied Mrs. Tibbs; - 'certainly.'  She said this with
great confidence, for the damson pelisse suggested that Mrs. Bloss,
at all events, was not suffering under Mr. Gobler's complaint.

'You have quite incited my curiosity,' said Mrs. Bloss, as she rose
to depart.  'How I long to see him!'

'He generally comes down, once a week,' replied Mrs. Tibbs; 'I dare
say you'll see him on Sunday.'  With this consolatory promise Mrs.
Bloss was obliged to be contented.  She accordingly walked slowly
down the stairs, detailing her complaints all the way; and Mrs.
Tibbs followed her, uttering an exclamation of compassion at every
step.  James (who looked very gritty, for he was cleaning the
knives) fell up the kitchen-stairs, and opened the street-door;
and, after mutual farewells, Mrs. Bloss slowly departed, down the
shady side of the street.

It is almost superfluous to say, that the lady whom we have just
shown out at the street-door (and whom the two female servants are
now inspecting from the second-floor windows) was exceedingly
vulgar, ignorant, and selfish.  Her deceased better-half had been
an eminent cork-cutter, in which capacity he had amassed a decent
fortune.  He had no relative but his nephew, and no friend but his
cook.  The former had the insolence one morning to ask for the loan
of fifteen pounds; and, by way of retaliation, he married the
latter next day; he made a will immediately afterwards, containing
a burst of honest indignation against his nephew (who supported
himself and two sisters on 100L. a year), and a bequest of his
whole property to his wife.  He felt ill after breakfast, and died
after dinner.  There is a mantelpiece-looking tablet in a civic
parish church, setting forth his virtues, and deploring his loss.
He never dishonoured a bill, or gave away a halfpenny.

The relict and sole executrix of this noble-minded man was an odd
mixture of shrewdness and simplicity, liberality and meanness.
Bred up as she had been, she knew no mode of living so agreeable as
a boarding-house:  and having nothing to do, and nothing to wish
for, she naturally imagined she must be ill - an impression which
was most assiduously promoted by her medical attendant, Dr. Wosky,
and her handmaid Agnes:  both of whom, doubtless for good reasons,
encouraged all her extravagant notions.

Since the catastrophe recorded in the last chapter, Mrs. Tibbs had
been very shy of young-lady boarders.  Her present inmates were all
lords of the creation, and she availed herself of the opportunity
of their assemblage at the dinner-table, to announce the expected
arrival of Mrs. Bloss.  The gentlemen received the communication
with stoical indifference, and Mrs. Tibbs devoted all her energies
to prepare for the reception of the valetudinarian.  The second-
floor front was scrubbed, and washed, and flannelled, till the wet
went through to the drawing-room ceiling.  Clean white
counterpanes, and curtains, and napkins, water-bottles as clear as
crystal, blue jugs, and mahogany furniture, added to the splendour,
and increased the comfort, of the apartment.  The warming-pan was
in constant requisition, and a fire lighted in the room every day.
The chattels of Mrs. Bloss were forwarded by instalments.  First,
there came a large hamper of Guinness's stout, and an umbrella;
then, a train of trunks; then, a pair of clogs and a bandbox; then,
an easy chair with an air-cushion; then, a variety of suspicious-
looking packages; and - 'though last not least' - Mrs. Bloss and
Agnes:  the latter in a cherry-coloured merino dress, open-work
stockings, and shoes with sandals:  like a disguised Columbine.

The installation of the Duke of Wellington, as Chancellor of the
University of Oxford, was nothing, in point of bustle and turmoil,
to the installation of Mrs. Bloss in her new quarters.  True, there
was no bright doctor of civil law to deliver a classical address on
the occasion; but there were several other old women present, who
spoke quite as much to the purpose, and understood themselves
equally well.  The chop-eater was so fatigued with the process of
removal that she declined leaving her room until the following
morning; so a mutton-chop, pickle, a pill, a pint bottle of stout,
and other medicines, were carried up-stairs for her consumption.

'Why, what DO you think, ma'am?' inquired the inquisitive Agnes of
her mistress, after they had been in the house some three hours;
'what DO you think, ma'am? the lady of the house is married.'

'Married!' said Mrs. Bloss, taking the pill and a draught of
Guinness - 'married!  Unpossible!'

'She is indeed, ma'am,' returned the Columbine; 'and her husband,
ma'am, lives - he - he - he - lives in the kitchen, ma'am.'

'In the kitchen!'

'Yes, ma'am:  and he - he - he - the housemaid says, he never goes
into the parlour except on Sundays; and that Ms. Tibbs makes him
clean the gentlemen's boots; and that he cleans the windows, too,
sometimes; and that one morning early, when he was in the front
balcony cleaning the drawing-room windows, he called out to a
gentleman on the opposite side of the way, who used to live here -
"Ah!  Mr. Calton, sir, how are you?"'  Here the attendant laughed
till Mrs. Bloss was in serious apprehension of her chuckling
herself into a fit.

'Well, I never!' said Mrs. Bloss.

'Yes.  And please, ma'am, the servants gives him gin-and-water
sometimes; and then he cries, and says he hates his wife and the
boarders, and wants to tickle them.'

'Tickle the boarders!' exclaimed Mrs. Bloss, seriously alarmed.

'No, ma'am, not the boarders, the servants.'

'Oh, is that all!' said Mrs. Bloss, quite satisfied.

'He wanted to kiss me as I came up the kitchen-stairs, just now,'
said Agnes, indignantly; 'but I gave it him - a little wretch!'

This intelligence was but too true.  A long course of snubbing and
neglect; his days spent in the kitchen, and his nights in the turn-
up bedstead, had completely broken the little spirit that the
unfortunate volunteer had ever possessed.  He had no one to whom he
could detail his injuries but the servants, and they were almost of
necessity his chosen confidants.  It is no less strange than true,
however, that the little weaknesses which he had incurred, most
probably during his military career, seemed to increase as his
comforts diminished.  He was actually a sort of journeyman Giovanni
of the basement story.

The next morning, being Sunday, breakfast was laid in the front
parlour at ten o'clock.  Nine was the usual time, but the family
always breakfasted an hour later on sabbath.  Tibbs enrobed himself
in his Sunday costume - a black coat, and exceedingly short, thin
trousers; with a very large white waistcoat, white stockings and
cravat, and Blucher boots - and mounted to the parlour aforesaid.
Nobody had come down, and he amused himself by drinking the
contents of the milkpot with a teaspoon.

A pair of slippers were heard descending the stairs.  Tibbs flew to
a chair; and a stern-looking man, of about fifty, with very little
hair on his head, and a Sunday paper in his hand, entered the room.

'Good morning, Mr. Evenson,' said Tibbs, very humbly, with
something between a nod and a bow.

'How do you do, Mr. Tibbs?' replied he of the slippers, as he sat
himself down, and began to read his paper without saying another
word.

'Is Mr. Wisbottle in town to-day, do you know, sir?' inquired
Tibbs, just for the sake of saying something.

'I should think he was,' replied the stern gentleman.  'He was
whistling "The Light Guitar," in the next room to mine, at five
o'clock this morning.'

'He's very fond of whistling,' said Tibbs, with a slight smirk.

'Yes - I ain't,' was the laconic reply.

Mr. John Evenson was in the receipt of an independent income,
arising chiefly from various houses he owned in the different
suburbs.  He was very morose and discontented.  He was a thorough
radical, and used to attend a great variety of public meetings, for
the express purpose of finding fault with everything that was
proposed.  Mr. Wisbottle, on the other hand, was a high Tory.  He
was a clerk in the Woods and Forests Office, which he considered
rather an aristocratic employment; he knew the peerage by heart,
and, could tell you, off-hand, where any illustrious personage
lived.  He had a good set of teeth, and a capital tailor.  Mr.
Evenson looked on all these qualifications with profound contempt;
and the consequence was that the two were always disputing, much to
the edification of the rest of the house.  It should be added,
that, in addition to his partiality for whistling, Mr. Wisbottle
had a great idea of his singing powers.  There were two other
boarders, besides the gentleman in the back drawing-room - Mr.
Alfred Tomkins and Mr. Frederick O'Bleary.  Mr. Tomkins was a clerk
in a wine-house; he was a connoisseur in paintings, and had a
wonderful eye for the picturesque.  Mr. O'Bleary was an Irishman,
recently imported; he was in a perfectly wild state; and had come
over to England to be an apothecary, a clerk in a government
office, an actor, a reporter, or anything else that turned up - he
was not particular.  He was on familiar terms with two small Irish
members, and got franks for everybody in the house.  He felt
convinced that his intrinsic merits must procure him a high
destiny.  He wore shepherd's-plaid inexpressibles, and used to look
under all the ladies' bonnets as he walked along the streets.  His
manners and appearance reminded one of Orson.

'Here comes Mr. Wisbottle,' said Tibbs; and Mr. Wisbottle forthwith
appeared in blue slippers, and a shawl dressing-gown, whistling 'DI
PIACER.'

'Good morning, sir,' said Tibbs again.  It was almost the only
thing he ever said to anybody

'How are you, Tibbs?' condescendingly replied the amateur; and he
walked to the window, and whistled louder than ever.

'Pretty air, that!' said Evenson, with a snarl, and without taking
his eyes off the paper.

'Glad you like it,' replied Wisbottle, highly gratified.

'Don't you think it would sound better, if you whistled it a little
louder?' inquired the mastiff.

'No; I don't think it would,' rejoined the unconscious Wisbottle.

'I'll tell you what, Wisbottle,' said Evenson, who had been
bottling up his anger for some hours - 'the next time you feel
disposed to whistle "The Light Guitar" at five o'clock in the
morning, I'll trouble you to whistle it with your head out o'
window.  If you don't, I'll learn the triangle - I will, by - '

The entrance of Mrs. Tibbs (with the keys in a little basket)
interrupted the threat, and prevented its conclusion.

Mrs. Tibbs apologised for being down rather late; the bell was
rung; James brought up the urn, and received an unlimited order for
dry toast and bacon.  Tibbs sat down at the bottom of the table,
and began eating water-cresses like a Nebuchadnezzar.  Mr. O'Bleary
appeared, and Mr. Alfred Tomkins.  The compliments of the morning
were exchanged, and the tea was made.

'God bless me!' exclaimed Tomkins, who had been looking out at the
window.  'Here - Wisbottle - pray come here - make haste.'

Mr. Wisbottle started from the table, and every one looked up.

'Do you see,' said the connoisseur, placing Wisbottle in the right
position - 'a little more this way:  there - do you see how
splendidly the light falls upon the left side of that broken
chimney-pot at No. 48?'

'Dear me!  I see,' replied Wisbottle, in a tone of admiration.

'I never saw an object stand out so beautifully against the clear
sky in my life,' ejaculated Alfred.  Everybody (except John
Evenson) echoed the sentiment; for Mr. Tomkins had a great
character for finding out beauties which no one else could discover
- he certainly deserved it.

'I have frequently observed a chimney-pot in College-green, Dublin,
which has a much better effect,' said the patriotic O'Bleary, who
never allowed Ireland to be outdone on any point.

The assertion was received with obvious incredulity, for Mr.
Tomkins declared that no other chimney-pot in the United Kingdom,
broken or unbroken, could be so beautiful as the one at No. 48.

The room-door was suddenly thrown open, and Agnes appeared, leading
in Mrs. Bloss, who was dressed in a geranium-coloured muslin gown,
and displayed a gold watch of huge dimensions; a chain to match;
and a splendid assortment of rings, with enormous stones.  A
general rush was made for a chair, and a regular introduction took
place.  Mr. John Evenson made a slight inclination of the head; Mr.
Frederick O'Bleary, Mr. Alfred Tomkins, and Mr. Wisbottle, bowed
like the mandarins in a grocer's shop; Tibbs rubbed hands, and went
round in circles.  He was observed to close one eye, and to assume
a clock-work sort of expression with the other; this has been
considered as a wink, and it has been reported that Agnes was its
object.  We repel the calumny, and challenge contradiction.

Mrs. Tibbs inquired after Mrs. Bloss's health in a low tone.  Mrs.
Bloss, with a supreme contempt for the memory of Lindley Murray,
answered the various questions in a most satisfactory manner; and a
pause ensued, during which the eatables disappeared with awful
rapidity.

'You must have been very much pleased with the appearance of the
ladies going to the Drawing-room the other day, Mr. O'Bleary?' said
Mrs. Tibbs, hoping to start a topic.

'Yes,' replied Orson, with a mouthful of toast.

'Never saw anything like it before, I suppose?' suggested
Wisbottle.

'No - except the Lord Lieutenant's levees,' replied O'Bleary.

'Are they at all equal to our drawing-rooms?'

'Oh, infinitely superior!'

'Gad!  I don't know,' said the aristocratic Wisbottle, 'the Dowager
Marchioness of Publiccash was most magnificently dressed, and so
was the Baron Slappenbachenhausen.'

'What was he presented on?' inquired Evenson.

'On his arrival in England.'

'I thought so,' growled the radical; 'you never hear of these
fellows being presented on their going away again.  They know
better than that.'

'Unless somebody pervades them with an apintment,' said Mrs. Bloss,
joining in the conversation in a faint voice.

'Well,' said Wisbottle, evading the point, 'it's a splendid sight.'

'And did it never occur to you,' inquired the radical, who never
would be quiet; 'did it never occur to you, that you pay for these
precious ornaments of society?'

'It certainly HAS occurred to me,' said Wisbottle, who thought this
answer was a poser; 'it HAS occurred to me, and I am willing to pay
for them.'

'Well, and it has occurred to me too,' replied John Evenson, 'and I
ain't willing to pay for 'em.  Then why should I? - I say, why
should I?' continued the politician, laying down the paper, and
knocking his knuckles on the table.  'There are two great
principles - demand - '

'A cup of tea if you please, dear,' interrupted Tibbs.

'And supply - '

'May I trouble you to hand this tea to Mr. Tibbs?' said Mrs. Tibbs,
interrupting the argument, and unconsciously illustrating it.

The thread of the orator's discourse was broken.  He drank his tea
and resumed the paper.

'If it's very fine,' said Mr. Alfred Tomkins, addressing the
company in general, 'I shall ride down to Richmond to-day, and come
back by the steamer.  There are some splendid effects of light and
shade on the Thames; the contrast between the blueness of the sky
and the yellow water is frequently exceedingly beautiful.'  Mr.
Wisbottle hummed, 'Flow on, thou shining river.'

'We have some splendid steam-vessels in Ireland,' said O'Bleary.

'Certainly,' said Mrs. Bloss, delighted to find a subject broached
in which she could take part.

'The accommodations are extraordinary,' said O'Bleary.

'Extraordinary indeed,' returned Mrs. Bloss.  'When Mr. Bloss was
alive, he was promiscuously obligated to go to Ireland on business.
I went with him, and raly the manner in which the ladies and
gentlemen were accommodated with berths, is not creditable.'

Tibbs, who had been listening to the dialogue, looked aghast, and
evinced a strong inclination to ask a question, but was checked by
a look from his wife.  Mr. Wisbottle laughed, and said Tomkins had
made a pun; and Tomkins laughed too, and said he had not.

The remainder of the meal passed off as breakfasts usually do.
Conversation flagged, and people played with their teaspoons.  The
gentlemen looked out at the window; walked about the room; and,
when they got near the door, dropped off one by one.  Tibbs retired
to the back parlour by his wife's orders, to check the green-
grocer's weekly account; and ultimately Mrs. Tibbs and Mrs. Bloss
were left alone together.

'Oh dear!' said the latter, 'I feel alarmingly faint; it's very
singular.'  (It certainly was, for she had eaten four pounds of
solids that morning.)  'By-the-bye,' said Mrs. Bloss, 'I have not
seen Mr. What's-his-name yet.'

'Mr. Gobler?' suggested Mrs. Tibbs.

'Yes.'

'Oh!' said Mrs. Tibbs, 'he is a most mysterious person.  He has his
meals regularly sent up-stairs, and sometimes don't leave his room
for weeks together.'

'I haven't seen or heard nothing of him,' repeated Mrs. Bloss.

'I dare say you'll hear him to-night,' replied Mrs. Tibbs; 'he
generally groans a good deal on Sunday evenings.'

'I never felt such an interest in any one in my life,' ejaculated
Mrs. Bloss.  A little double-knock interrupted the conversation;
Dr. Wosky was announced, and duly shown in.  He was a little man
with a red face - dressed of course in black, with a stiff white
neckerchief.  He had a very good practice, and plenty of money,
which he had amassed by invariably humouring the worst fancies of
all the females of all the families he had ever been introduced
into.  Mrs. Tibbs offered to retire, but was entreated to stay.

'Well, my dear ma'am, and how are we?' inquired Wosky, in a
soothing tone.

'Very ill, doctor - very ill,' said Mrs. Bloss, in a whisper

'Ah! we must take care of ourselves; - we must, indeed,' said the
obsequious Wosky, as he felt the pulse of his interesting patient.

'How is our appetite?'

Mrs. Bloss shook her head.

'Our friend requires great care,' said Wosky, appealing to Mrs.
Tibbs, who of course assented.  'I hope, however, with the blessing
of Providence, that we shall be enabled to make her quite stout
again.'  Mrs. Tibbs wondered in her own mind what the patient would
be when she was made quite stout.

'We must take stimulants,' said the cunning Wosky - 'plenty of
nourishment, and, above all, we must keep our nerves quiet; we
positively must not give way to our sensibilities.  We must take
all we can get,' concluded the doctor, as he pocketed his fee, 'and
we must keep quiet.'

'Dear man!' exclaimed Mrs. Bloss, as the doctor stepped into the
carriage.

'Charming creature indeed - quite a lady's man!' said Mrs. Tibbs,
and Dr. Wosky rattled away to make fresh gulls of delicate females,
and pocket fresh fees.

As we had occasion, in a former paper, to describe a dinner at Mrs.
Tibbs's; and as one meal went off very like another on all ordinary
occasions; we will not fatigue our readers by entering into any
other detailed account of the domestic economy of the
establishment.  We will therefore proceed to events, merely
premising that the mysterious tenant of the back drawing-room was a
lazy, selfish hypochondriac; always complaining and never ill.  As
his character in many respects closely assimilated to that of Mrs.
Bloss, a very warm friendship soon sprung up between them.  He was
tall, thin, and pale; he always fancied he had a severe pain
somewhere or other, and his face invariably wore a pinched,
screwed-up expression; he looked, indeed, like a man who had got
his feet in a tub of exceedingly hot water, against his will.

For two or three months after Mrs. Bloss's first appearance in
Coram-street, John Evenson was observed to become, every day, more
sarcastic and more ill-natured; and there was a degree of
additional importance in his manner, which clearly showed that he
fancied he had discovered something, which he only wanted a proper
opportunity of divulging.  He found it at last.

One evening, the different inmates of the house were assembled in
the drawing-room engaged in their ordinary occupations.  Mr. Gobler
and Mrs. Bloss were sitting at a small card-table near the centre
window, playing cribbage; Mr. Wisbottle was describing semicircles
on the music-stool, turning over the leaves of a book on the piano,
and humming most melodiously; Alfred Tomkins was sitting at the
round table, with his elbows duly squared, making a pencil sketch
of a head considerably larger than his own; O'Bleary was reading
Horace, and trying to look as if he understood it; and John Evenson
had drawn his chair close to Mrs. Tibbs's work-table, and was
talking to her very earnestly in a low tone.

'I can assure you, Mrs. Tibbs,' said the radical, laying his
forefinger on the muslin she was at work on; 'I can assure you,
Mrs. Tibbs, that nothing but the interest I take in your welfare
would induce me to make this communication.  I repeat, I fear
Wisbottle is endeavouring to gain the affections of that young
woman, Agnes, and that he is in the habit of meeting her in the
store-room on the first floor, over the leads.  From my bedroom I
distinctly heard voices there, last night.  I opened my door
immediately, and crept very softly on to the landing; there I saw
Mr. Tibbs, who, it seems, had been disturbed also. - Bless me, Mrs.
Tibbs, you change colour!'

'No, no - it's nothing,' returned Mrs. T. in a hurried manner;
'it's only the heat of the room.'

'A flush!' ejaculated Mrs. Bloss from the card-table; 'that's good
for four.'

'If I thought it was Mr. Wisbottle,' said Mrs. Tibbs, after a
pause, 'he should leave this house instantly.'

'Go!' said Mrs. Bloss again.

'And if I thought,' continued the hostess with a most threatening
air, 'if I thought he was assisted by Mr. Tibbs - '

'One for his nob!' said Gobler.

'Oh,' said Evenson, in a most soothing tone - he liked to make
mischief - 'I should hope Mr. Tibbs was not in any way implicated.
He always appeared to me very harmless.'

'I have generally found him so,' sobbed poor little Mrs. Tibbs;
crying like a watering-pot.

'Hush! hush! pray - Mrs. Tibbs - consider - we shall be observed -
pray, don't!' said John Evenson, fearing his whole plan would be
interrupted.  'We will set the matter at rest with the utmost care,
and I shall be most happy to assist you in doing so.'  Mrs. Tibbs
murmured her thanks.

'When you think every one has retired to rest to-night,' said
Evenson very pompously, 'if you'll meet me without a light, just
outside my bedroom door, by the staircase window, I think we can
ascertain who the parties really are, and you will afterwards be
enabled to proceed as you think proper.'

Mrs. Tibbs was easily persuaded; her curiosity was excited, her
jealousy was roused, and the arrangement was forthwith made.  She
resumed her work, and John Evenson walked up and down the room with
his hands in his pockets, looking as if nothing had happened.  The
game of cribbage was over, and conversation began again.

'Well, Mr. O'Bleary,' said the humming-top, turning round on his
pivot, and facing the company, 'what did you think of Vauxhall the
other night?'

'Oh, it's very fair,' replied Orson, who had been enthusiastically
delighted with the whole exhibition.

'Never saw anything like that Captain Ross's set-out - eh?'

'No,' returned the patriot, with his usual reservation - 'except in
Dublin.'

'I saw the Count de Canky and Captain Fitzthompson in the Gardens,'
said Wisbottle; 'they appeared much delighted.'

'Then it MUST be beautiful,' snarled Evenson.

'I think the white bears is partickerlerly well done,' suggested
Mrs. Bloss.  'In their shaggy white coats, they look just like
Polar bears - don't you think they do, Mr. Evenson?'

'I think they look a great deal more like omnibus cads on all
fours,' replied the discontented one.

'Upon the whole, I should have liked our evening very well,' gasped
Gobler; 'only I caught a desperate cold which increased my pain
dreadfully!  I was obliged to have several shower-baths, before I
could leave my room.'

'Capital things those shower-baths!' ejaculated Wisbottle.

'Excellent!' said Tomkins.

'Delightful!' chimed in O'Bleary.  (He had once seen one, outside a
tinman's.)

'Disgusting machines!' rejoined Evenson, who extended his dislike
to almost every created object, masculine, feminine, or neuter.

'Disgusting, Mr. Evenson!' said Gobler, in a tone of strong
indignation. - 'Disgusting!  Look at their utility - consider how
many lives they have saved by promoting perspiration.'

'Promoting perspiration, indeed,' growled John Evenson, stopping
short in his walk across the large squares in the pattern of the
carpet - 'I was ass enough to be persuaded some time ago to have
one in my bedroom.  'Gad, I was in it once, and it effectually
cured ME, for the mere sight of it threw me into a profuse
perspiration for six months afterwards.'

A titter followed this announcement, and before it had subsided
James brought up 'the tray,' containing the remains of a leg of
lamb which had made its DEBUT at dinner; bread; cheese; an atom of
butter in a forest of parsley; one pickled walnut and the third of
another; and so forth.  The boy disappeared, and returned again
with another tray, containing glasses and jugs of hot and cold
water.  The gentlemen brought in their spirit-bottles; the
housemaid placed divers plated bedroom candlesticks under the card-
table; and the servants retired for the night.

Chairs were drawn round the table, and the conversation proceeded
in the customary manner.  John Evenson, who never ate supper,
lolled on the sofa, and amused himself by contradicting everybody.
O'Bleary ate as much as he could conveniently carry, and Mrs. Tibbs
felt a due degree of indignation thereat; Mr. Gobler and Mrs. Bloss
conversed most affectionately on the subject of pill-taking, and
other innocent amusements; and Tomkins and Wisbottle 'got into an
argument;' that is to say, they both talked very loudly and
vehemently, each flattering himself that he had got some advantage
about something, and neither of them having more than a very
indistinct idea of what they were talking about.  An hour or two
passed away; and the boarders and the plated candlesticks retired
in pairs to their respective bedrooms.  John Evenson pulled off his
boots, locked his door, and determined to sit up until Mr. Gobler
had retired.  He always sat in the drawing-room an hour after
everybody else had left it, taking medicine, and groaning.

Great Coram-street was hushed into a state of profound repose:  it
was nearly two o'clock.  A hackney-coach now and then rumbled
slowly by; and occasionally some stray lawyer's clerk, on his way
home to Somers-town, struck his iron heel on the top of the coal-
cellar with a noise resembling the click of a smoke-Jack.  A low,
monotonous, gushing sound was heard, which added considerably to
the romantic dreariness of the scene.  It was the water 'coming in'
at number eleven.

'He must be asleep by this time,' said John Evenson to himself,
after waiting with exemplary patience for nearly an hour after Mr.
Gobler had left the drawing-room.  He listened for a few moments;
the house was perfectly quiet; he extinguished his rushlight, and
opened his bedroom door.  The staircase was so dark that it was
impossible to see anything.

'S-s-s!' whispered the mischief-maker, making a noise like the
first indication a catherine-wheel gives of the probability of its
going off.

'Hush!' whispered somebody else.

'Is that you, Mrs. Tibbs?'

'Yes, sir.'

'Where?'

'Here;' and the misty outline of Mrs. Tibbs appeared at the
staircase window, like the ghost of Queen Anne in the tent scene in
Richard.

'This way, Mrs. Tibbs,' whispered the delighted busybody:  'give me
your hand - there!  Whoever these people are, they are in the
store-room now, for I have been looking down from my window, and I
could see that they accidentally upset their candlestick, and are
now in darkness.  You have no shoes on, have you?'

'No,' said little Mrs. Tibbs, who could hardly speak for trembling.

'Well; I have taken my boots off, so we can go down, close to the
store-room door, and listen over the banisters;' and down-stairs
they both crept accordingly, every board creaking like a patent
mangle on a Saturday afternoon.

'It's Wisbottle and somebody, I'll swear,' exclaimed the radical in
an energetic whisper, when they had listened for a few moments.

'Hush - pray let's hear what they say!' exclaimed Mrs. Tibbs, the
gratification of whose curiosity was now paramount to every other
consideration.

'Ah! if I could but believe you,' said a female voice coquettishly,
'I'd be bound to settle my missis for life.'

'What does she say?' inquired Mr. Evenson, who was not quite so
well situated as his companion.

'She says she'll settle her missis's life,' replied Mrs. Tibbs.
'The wretch! they're plotting murder.'

'I know you want money,' continued the voice, which belonged to
Agnes; 'and if you'd secure me the five hundred pound, I warrant
she should take fire soon enough.'

'What's that?' inquired Evenson again.  He could just hear enough
to want to hear more.

'I think she says she'll set the house on fire,' replied the
affrighted Mrs. Tibbs.  'But thank God I'm insured in the Phoenix!'

'The moment I have secured your mistress, my dear,' said a man's
voice in a strong Irish brogue, 'you may depend on having the
money.'

'Bless my soul, it's Mr. O'Bleary!' exclaimed Mrs. Tibbs, in a
parenthesis.

'The villain!' said the indignant Mr. Evenson.

'The first thing to be done,' continued the Hibernian, 'is to
poison Mr. Gobler's mind.'

'Oh, certainly,' returned Agnes.

'What's that?' inquired Evenson again, in an agony of curiosity and
a whisper.

'He says she's to mind and poison Mr. Gobler,' replied Mrs. Tibbs,
aghast at this sacrifice of human life.

'And in regard of Mrs. Tibbs,' continued O'Bleary. - Mrs. Tibbs
shuddered.

'Hush!' exclaimed Agnes, in a tone of the greatest alarm, just as
Mrs. Tibbs was on the extreme verge of a fainting fit.  'Hush!'

'Hush!' exclaimed Evenson, at the same moment to Mrs. Tibbs.

'There's somebody coming UP-stairs,' said Agnes to O'Bleary.

'There's somebody coming DOWN-stairs,' whispered Evenson to Mrs.
Tibbs.

'Go into the parlour, sir,' said Agnes to her companion.  'You will
get there, before whoever it is, gets to the top of the kitchen
stairs.'

'The drawing-room, Mrs. Tibbs!' whispered the astonished Evenson to
his equally astonished companion; and for the drawing-room they
both made, plainly hearing the rustling of two persons, one coming
down-stairs, and one coming up.

'What can it be?' exclaimed Mrs. Tibbs.  'It's like a dream.  I
wouldn't be found in this situation for the world!'

'Nor I,' returned Evenson, who could never bear a joke at his own
expense.  'Hush! here they are at the door.'

'What fun!' whispered one of the new-comers. - It was Wisbottle.

'Glorious!' replied his companion, in an equally low tone. - This
was Alfred Tomkins.  'Who would have thought it?'

'I told you so,' said Wisbottle, in a most knowing whisper.  'Lord
bless you, he has paid her most extraordinary attention for the
last two months.  I saw 'em when I was sitting at the piano to-
night.'

'Well, do you know I didn't notice it?' interrupted Tomkins.

'Not notice it!' continued Wisbottle.  'Bless you; I saw him
whispering to her, and she crying; and then I'll swear I heard him
say something about to-night when we were all in bed.'

'They're talking of US!' exclaimed the agonised Mrs. Tibbs, as the
painful suspicion, and a sense of their situation, flashed upon her
mind.

'I know it - I know it,' replied Evenson, with a melancholy
consciousness that there was no mode of escape.

'What's to be done? we cannot both stop here!' ejaculated Mrs.
Tibbs, in a state of partial derangement.

'I'll get up the chimney,' replied Evenson, who really meant what
he said.

'You can't,' said Mrs. Tibbs, in despair.  'You can't -  it's a
register stove.'

'Hush!' repeated John Evenson.

'Hush - hush!' cried somebody down-stairs.

'What a d-d hushing!' said Alfred Tomkins, who began to get rather
bewildered.

'There they are!' exclaimed the sapient Wisbottle, as a rustling
noise was heard in the store-room.

'Hark!' whispered both the young men.

'Hark!' repeated Mrs. Tibbs and Evenson.

'Let me alone, sir,' said a female voice in the store-room.

'Oh, Hagnes!' cried another voice, which clearly belonged to Tibbs,
for nobody else ever owned one like it, 'Oh, Hagnes - lovely
creature!'

'Be quiet, sir!'  (A bounce.)

'Hag - '

'Be quiet, sir - I am ashamed of you.  Think of your wife, Mr.
Tibbs.  Be quiet, sir!'

'My wife!' exclaimed the valorous Tibbs, who was clearly under the
influence of gin-and-water, and a misplaced attachment; 'I ate her!
Oh, Hagnes! when I was in the volunteer corps, in eighteen hundred
and - '

'I declare I'll scream.  Be quiet, sir, will you?'  (Another bounce
and a scuffle.)

'What's that?' exclaimed Tibbs, with a start.

'What's what?' said Agnes, stopping short.

'Why that!'

'Ah! you have done it nicely now, sir,' sobbed the frightened
Agnes, as a tapping was heard at Mrs. Tibbs's bedroom door, which
would have beaten any dozen woodpeckers hollow.

'Mrs. Tibbs!  Mrs. Tibbs!' called out Mrs. Bloss.  'Mrs. Tibbs,
pray get up.'  (Here the imitation of a woodpecker was resumed with
tenfold violence.)

'Oh, dear - dear!' exclaimed the wretched partner of the depraved
Tibbs.  'She's knocking at my door.  We must be discovered!  What
will they think?'

'Mrs. Tibbs!  Mrs. Tibbs!' screamed the woodpecker again.

'What's the matter!' shouted Gobler, bursting out of the back
drawing-room, like the dragon at Astley's.

'Oh, Mr. Gobler!' cried Mrs. Bloss, with a proper approximation to
hysterics; 'I think the house is on fire, or else there's thieves
in it.  I have heard the most dreadful noises!'

'The devil you have!' shouted Gobler again, bouncing back into his
den, in happy imitation of the aforesaid dragon, and returning
immediately with a lighted candle.  'Why, what's this?  Wisbottle!
Tomkins!  O'Bleary!  Agnes!  What the deuce! all up and dressed?'

'Astonishing!' said Mrs. Bloss, who had run down-stairs, and taken
Mr. Gobler's arm.

'Call Mrs. Tibbs directly, somebody,' said Gobler, turning into the
front drawing-room. - 'What!  Mrs. Tibbs and Mr. Evenson!!'

'Mrs. Tibbs and Mr. Evenson!' repeated everybody, as that unhappy
pair were discovered:  Mrs. Tibbs seated in an arm-chair by the
fireplace, and Mr. Evenson standing by her side,

We must leave the scene that ensued to the reader's imagination.
We could tell, how Mrs. Tibbs forthwith fainted away, and how it
required the united strength of Mr. Wisbottle and Mr. Alfred
Tomkins to hold her in her chair; how Mr. Evenson explained, and
how his explanation was evidently disbelieved; how Agnes repelled
the accusations of Mrs. Tibbs by proving that she was negotiating
with Mr. O'Bleary to influence her mistress's affections in his
behalf; and how Mr. Gobler threw a damp counterpane on the hopes of
Mr. O'Bleary by avowing that he (Gobler) had already proposed to,
and been accepted by, Mrs. Bloss; how Agnes was discharged from
that lady's service; how Mr. O'Bleary discharged himself from Mrs.
Tibbs's house, without going through the form of previously
discharging his bill; and how that disappointed young gentleman
rails against England and the English, and vows there is no virtue
or fine feeling extant, 'except in Ireland.'  We repeat that we
COULD tell all this, but we love to exercise our self-denial, and
we therefore prefer leaving it to be imagined.

The lady whom we have hitherto described as Mrs. Bloss, is no more.
Mrs. Gobler exists:  Mrs. Bloss has left us for ever.  In a
secluded retreat in Newington Butts, far, far removed from the
noisy strife of that great boarding-house, the world, the enviable
Gobler and his pleasing wife revel in retirement:  happy in their
complaints, their table, and their medicine, wafted through life by
the grateful prayers of all the purveyors of animal food within
three miles round.

We would willingly stop here, but we have a painful duty imposed
upon us, which we must discharge.  Mr. and Mrs. Tibbs have
separated by mutual consent, Mrs. Tibbs receiving one moiety of
43L.  15S. 10D., which we before stated to be the amount of her
husband's annual income, and Mr. Tibbs the other.  He is spending
the evening of his days in retirement; and he is spending also,
annually, that small but honourable independence.  He resides among
the original settlers at Walworth; and it has been stated, on
unquestionable authority, that the conclusion of the volunteer
story has been heard in a small tavern in that respectable
neighbourhood.

The unfortunate Mrs. Tibbs has determined to dispose of the whole
of her furniture by public auction, and to retire from a residence
in which she has suffered so much.  Mr. Robins has been applied to,
to conduct the sale, and the transcendent abilities of the literary
gentlemen connected with his establishment are now devoted to the
task of drawing up the preliminary advertisement.  It is to
contain, among a variety of brilliant matter, seventy-eight words
in large capitals, and six original quotations in inverted commas.



CHAPTER II - MR. MINNS AND HIS COUSIN



Mr. Augustus Minns was a bachelor, of about forty as he said - of
about eight-and-forty as his friends said.  He was always
exceedingly clean, precise, and tidy; perhaps somewhat priggish,
and the most retiring man in the world.  He usually wore a brown
frock-coat without a wrinkle, light inexplicables without a spot, a
neat neckerchief with a remarkably neat tie, and boots without a
fault; moreover, he always carried a brown silk umbrella with an
ivory handle.  He was a clerk in Somerset-house, or, as he said
himself, he held 'a responsible situation under Government.'  He
had a good and increasing salary, in addition to some 10,000L. of
his own (invested in the funds), and he occupied a first floor in
Tavistock-street, Covent-garden, where he had resided for twenty
years, having been in the habit of quarrelling with his landlord
the whole time:  regularly giving notice of his intention to quit
on the first day of every quarter, and as regularly countermanding
it on the second.  There were two classes of created objects which
he held in the deepest and most unmingled horror; these were dogs,
and children.  He was not unamiable, but he could, at any time,
have viewed the execution of a dog, or the assassination of an
infant, with the liveliest satisfaction.  Their habits were at
variance with his love of order; and his love of order was as
powerful as his love of life.  Mr. Augustus Minns had no relations,
in or near London, with the exception of his cousin, Mr. Octavius
Budden, to whose son, whom he had never seen (for he disliked the
father), he had consented to become godfather by proxy.  Mr. Budden
having realised a moderate fortune by exercising the trade or
calling of a corn-chandler, and having a great predilection for the
country, had purchased a cottage in the vicinity of Stamford-hill,
whither he retired with the wife of his bosom, and his only son,
Master Alexander Augustus Budden.  One evening, as Mr. and Mrs. B.
were admiring their son, discussing his various merits, talking
over his education, and disputing whether the classics should be
made an essential part thereof, the lady pressed so strongly upon
her husband the propriety of cultivating the friendship of Mr.
Minns in behalf of their son, that Mr. Budden at last made up his
mind, that it should not be his fault if he and his cousin were not
in future more intimate.

'I'll break the ice, my love,' said Mr. Budden, stirring up the
sugar at the bottom of his glass of brandy-and-water, and casting a
sidelong look at his spouse to see the effect of the announcement
of his determination, 'by asking Minns down to dine with us, on
Sunday.'

'Then pray, Budden, write to your cousin at once,' replied Mrs.
Budden.  'Who knows, if we could only get him down here, but he
might take a fancy to our Alexander, and leave him his property? -
Alick, my dear, take your legs off the rail of the chair!'

'Very true,' said Mr. Budden, musing, 'very true indeed, my love!'
On the following morning, as Mr. Minns was sitting at his
breakfast-table, alternately biting his dry toast and casting a
look upon the columns of his morning paper, which he always read
from the title to the printer's name, he heard a loud knock at the
street-door; which was shortly afterwards followed by the entrance
of his servant, who put into his hands a particularly small card,
on which was engraven in immense letters, 'Mr. Octavius Budden,
Amelia Cottage (Mrs. B.'s name was Amelia), Poplar-walk, Stamford-
hill.'

'Budden!' ejaculated Minns, 'what can bring that vulgar man here! -
say I'm asleep - say I'm out, and shall never be home again -
anything to keep him down-stairs.'

'But please, sir, the gentleman's coming up,' replied the servant,
and the fact was made evident, by an appalling creaking of boots on
the staircase accompanied by a pattering noise; the cause of which,
Minns could not, for the life of him, divine.

'Hem - show the gentleman in,' said the unfortunate bachelor.  Exit
servant, and enter Octavius preceded by a large white dog, dressed
in a suit of fleecy hosiery, with pink eyes, large ears, and no
perceptible tail.

The cause of the pattering on the stairs was but too plain.  Mr.
Augustus Minns staggered beneath the shock of the dog's appearance.

'My dear fellow, how are you?' said Budden, as he entered.

He always spoke at the top of his voice, and always said the same
thing half-a-dozen times.

'How are you, my hearty?'

'How do you do, Mr. Budden? - pray take a chair!' politely
stammered the discomfited Minns.

'Thank you - thank you - well - how are you, eh?'

'Uncommonly well, thank you,' said Minns, casting a diabolical look
at the dog, who, with his hind legs on the floor, and his fore paws
resting on the table, was dragging a bit of bread and butter out of
a plate, preparatory to devouring it, with the buttered side next
the carpet.

'Ah, you rogue!' said Budden to his dog; 'you see, Minns, he's like
me, always at home, eh, my boy! - Egad, I'm precious hot and
hungry!  I've walked all the way from Stamford-hill this morning.'

'Have you breakfasted?' inquired Minns.

'Oh, no! - came to breakfast with you; so ring the bell, my dear
fellow, will you? and let's have another cup and saucer, and the
cold ham. - Make myself at home, you see!' continued Budden,
dusting his boots with a table-napkin.  'Ha! - ha! - ha!  -'pon my
life, I'm hungry.'

Minns rang the bell, and tried to smile.

'I decidedly never was so hot in my life,' continued Octavius,
wiping his forehead; 'well, but how are you, Minns?  'Pon my soul,
you wear capitally!'

'D'ye think so?' said Minns; and he tried another smile.

''Pon my life, I do!'

'Mrs. B. and - what's his name - quite well?'

'Alick - my son, you mean; never better - never better.  But at
such a place as we've got at Poplar-walk, you know, he couldn't be
ill if he tried.  When I first saw it, by Jove! it looked so
knowing, with the front garden, and the green railings and the
brass knocker, and all that - I really thought it was a cut above
me.'

'Don't you think you'd like the ham better,' interrupted Minns, 'if
you cut it the other way?'  He saw, with feelings which it is
impossible to describe, that his visitor was cutting or rather
maiming the ham, in utter violation of all established rules.

'No, thank ye,' returned Budden, with the most barbarous
indifference to crime, 'I prefer it this way, it eats short.  But I
say, Minns, when will you come down and see us?  You will be
delighted with the place; I know you will.  Amelia and I were
talking about you the other night, and Amelia said - another lump
of sugar, please; thank ye - she said, don't you think you could
contrive, my dear, to say to Mr. Minns, in a friendly way - come
down, sir - damn the dog! he's spoiling your curtains, Minns - ha!
- ha! - ha!'  Minns leaped from his seat as though he had received
the discharge from a galvanic battery.

'Come out, sir! - go out, hoo!' cried poor Augustus, keeping,
nevertheless, at a very respectful distance from the dog; having
read of a case of hydrophobia in the paper of that morning.  By
dint of great exertion, much shouting, and a marvellous deal of
poking under the tables with a stick and umbrella, the dog was at
last dislodged, and placed on the landing outside the door, where
he immediately commenced a most appalling howling; at the same time
vehemently scratching the paint off the two nicely-varnished bottom
panels, until they resembled the interior of a backgammon-board.

'A good dog for the country that!' coolly observed Budden to the
distracted Minns, 'but he's not much used to confinement.  But now,
Minns, when will you come down?  I'll take no denial, positively.
Let's see, to-day's Thursday. - Will you come on Sunday?  We dine
at five, don't say no - do.'

After a great deal of pressing, Mr. Augustus Minns, driven to
despair, accepted the invitation, and promised to be at Poplar-walk
on the ensuing Sunday, at a quarter before five to the minute.

'Now mind the direction,' said Budden:  'the coach goes from the
Flower-pot, in Bishopsgate-street, every half hour.  When the coach
stops at the Swan, you'll see, immediately opposite you, a white
house.'

'Which is your house - I understand,' said Minns, wishing to cut
short the visit, and the story, at the same time.

'No, no, that's not mine; that's Grogus's, the great ironmonger's.
I was going to say - you turn down by the side of the white house
till you can't go another step further - mind that! - and then you
turn to your right, by some stables - well; close to you, you'll
see a wall with "Beware of the Dog" written on it in large letters
- (Minns shuddered) - go along by the side of that wall for about a
quarter of a mile - and anybody will show you which is my place.'

'Very well - thank ye - good-bye.'

'Be punctual.'

'Certainly:  good morning.'

'I say, Minns, you've got a card.'

'Yes, I have; thank ye.'  And Mr. Octavius Budden departed, leaving
his cousin looking forward to his visit on the following Sunday,
with the feelings of a penniless poet to the weekly visit of his
Scotch landlady.

Sunday arrived; the sky was bright and clear; crowds of people were
hurrying along the streets, intent on their different schemes of
pleasure for the day; everything and everybody looked cheerful and
happy except Mr. Augustus Minns.

The day was fine, but the heat was considerable; when Mr. Minns had
fagged up the shady side of Fleet-street, Cheapside, and
Threadneedle-street, he had become pretty warm, tolerably dusty,
and it was getting late into the bargain.  By the most
extraordinary good fortune, however, a coach was waiting at the
Flower-pot, into which Mr. Augustus Minns got, on the solemn
assurance of the cad that the vehicle would start in three minutes
- that being the very utmost extremity of time it was allowed to
wait by Act of Parliament.  A quarter of an hour elapsed, and there
were no signs of moving.  Minns looked at his watch for the sixth
time.

'Coachman, are you going or not?' bawled Mr. Minns, with his head
and half his body out of the coach window.

'Di-rectly, sir,' said the coachman, with his hands in his pockets,
looking as much unlike a man in a hurry as possible.

'Bill, take them cloths off.'  Five minutes more elapsed:  at the
end of which time the coachman mounted the box, from whence he
looked down the street, and up the street, and hailed all the
pedestrians for another five minutes.

'Coachman! if you don't go this moment, I shall get out,' said Mr.
Minns, rendered desperate by the lateness of the hour, and the
impossibility of being in Poplar-walk at the appointed time.

'Going this minute, sir,' was the reply; - and, accordingly, the
machine trundled on for a couple of hundred yards, and then stopped
again.  Minns doubled himself up in a corner of the coach, and
abandoned himself to his fate, as a child, a mother, a bandbox and
a parasol, became his fellow-passengers.

The child was an affectionate and an amiable infant; the little
dear mistook Minns for his other parent, and screamed to embrace
him.

'Be quiet, dear,' said the mamma, restraining the impetuosity of
the darling, whose little fat legs were kicking, and stamping, and
twining themselves into the most complicated forms, in an ecstasy
of impatience.  'Be quiet, dear, that's not your papa.'

'Thank Heaven I am not!' thought Minns, as the first gleam of
pleasure he had experienced that morning shone like a meteor
through his wretchedness.

Playfulness was agreeably mingled with affection in the disposition
of the boy.  When satisfied that Mr. Minns was not his parent, he
endeavoured to attract his notice by scraping his drab trousers
with his dirty shoes, poking his chest with his mamma's parasol,
and other nameless endearments peculiar to infancy, with which he
beguiled the tediousness of the ride, apparently very much to his
own satisfaction.

When the unfortunate gentleman arrived at the Swan, he found to his
great dismay, that it was a quarter past five.  The white house,
the stables, the 'Beware of the Dog,' - every landmark was passed,
with a rapidity not unusual to a gentleman of a certain age when
too late for dinner.  After the lapse of a few minutes, Mr. Minns
found himself opposite a yellow brick house with a green door,
brass knocker, and door-plate, green window-frames and ditto
railings, with 'a garden' in front, that is to say, a small loose
bit of gravelled ground, with one round and two scalene triangular
beds, containing a fir-tree, twenty or thirty bulbs, and an
unlimited number of marigolds.  The taste of Mr. and Mrs. Budden
was further displayed by the appearance of a Cupid on each side of
the door, perched upon a heap of large chalk flints, variegated
with pink conch-shells.  His knock at the door was answered by a
stumpy boy, in drab livery, cotton stockings and high-lows, who,
after hanging his hat on one of the dozen brass pegs which
ornamented the passage, denominated by courtesy 'The Hall,' ushered
him into a front drawing-room commanding a very extensive view of
the backs of the neighbouring houses.  The usual ceremony of
introduction, and so forth, over, Mr. Minns took his seat:  not a
little agitated at finding that he was the last comer, and, somehow
or other, the Lion of about a dozen people, sitting together in a
small drawing-room, getting rid of that most tedious of all time,
the time preceding dinner.

'Well, Brogson,' said Budden, addressing an elderly gentleman in a
black coat, drab knee-breeches, and long gaiters, who, under
pretence of inspecting the prints in an Annual, had been engaged in
satisfying himself on the subject of Mr. Minns's general
appearance, by looking at him over the tops of the leaves - 'Well,
Brogson, what do ministers mean to do?  Will they go out, or what?'

'Oh - why - really, you know, I'm the last person in the world to
ask for news.  Your cousin, from his situation, is the most likely
person to answer the question.'

Mr. Minns assured the last speaker, that although he was in
Somerset-house, he possessed no official communication relative to
the projects of his Majesty's Ministers.  But his remark was
evidently received incredulously; and no further conjectures being
hazarded on the subject, a long pause ensued, during which the
company occupied themselves in coughing and blowing their noses,
until the entrance of Mrs. Budden caused a general rise.

The ceremony of introduction being over, dinner was announced, and
down-stairs the party proceeded accordingly - Mr. Minns escorting
Mrs. Budden as far as the drawing-room door, but being prevented,
by the narrowness of the staircase, from extending his gallantry
any farther.  The dinner passed off as such dinners usually do.
Ever and anon, amidst the clatter of knives and forks, and the hum
of conversation, Mr. B.'s voice might be heard, asking a friend to
take wine, and assuring him he was glad to see him; and a great
deal of by-play took place between Mrs. B. and the servants,
respecting the removal of the dishes, during which her countenance
assumed all the variations of a weather-glass, from 'stormy' to
'set fair.'

Upon the dessert and wine being placed on the table, the servant,
in compliance with a significant look from Mrs. B., brought down
'Master Alexander,' habited in a sky-blue suit with silver buttons;
and possessing hair of nearly the same colour as the metal.  After
sundry praises from his mother, and various admonitions as to his
behaviour from his father, he was introduced to his godfather.

'Well, my little fellow - you are a fine boy, ain't you?' said Mr.
Minns, as happy as a tomtit on birdlime.

'Yes.'

'How old are you?'

'Eight, next We'nsday.  How old are YOU?'

'Alexander,' interrupted his mother, 'how dare you ask Mr. Minns
how old he is!'

'He asked me how old I was,' said the precocious child, to whom
Minns had from that moment internally resolved that he never would
bequeath one shilling.  As soon as the titter occasioned by the
observation had subsided, a little smirking man with red whiskers,
sitting at the bottom of the table, who during the whole of dinner
had been endeavouring to obtain a listener to some stories about
Sheridan, called, out, with a very patronising air, 'Alick, what
part of speech is BE.'

'A verb.'

'That's a good boy,' said Mrs. Budden, with all a mother's pride.

'Now, you know what a verb is?'

'A verb is a word which signifies to be, to do, or to suffer; as, I
am - I rule - I am ruled.  Give me an apple, Ma.'

'I'll give you an apple,' replied the man with the red whiskers,
who was an established friend of the family, or in other words was
always invited by Mrs. Budden, whether Mr. Budden  liked it or not,
'if you'll tell me what is the meaning of BE.'

'Be?' said the prodigy, after a little hesitation - 'an insect that
gathers honey.'

'No, dear,' frowned Mrs. Budden; 'B double E is the substantive.'

'I don't think he knows much yet about COMMON substantives,' said
the smirking gentleman, who thought this an admirable opportunity
for letting off a joke.  'It's clear he's not very well acquainted
with PROPER NAMES.  He! he! he!'

'Gentlemen,' called out Mr. Budden, from the end of the table, in a
stentorian voice, and with a very important air, 'will you have the
goodness to charge your glasses?  I have a toast to propose.'

'Hear! hear!' cried the gentlemen, passing the decanters.  After
they had made the round of the table, Mr. Budden proceeded -
'Gentlemen; there is an individual present - '

'Hear! hear!' said the little man with red whiskers.

'PRAY be quiet, Jones,' remonstrated Budden.

'I say, gentlemen, there is an individual present,' resumed the
host, 'in whose society, I am sure we must take great delight - and
- and - the conversation of that individual must have afforded to
every one present, the utmost pleasure.'  ['Thank Heaven, he does
not mean me!' thought Minns, conscious that his diffidence and
exclusiveness had prevented his saying above a dozen words since he
entered the house.]  'Gentlemen, I am but a humble individual
myself, and I perhaps ought to apologise for allowing any
individual feeling of friendship and affection for the person I
allude to, to induce me to venture to rise, to propose the health
of that person - a person that, I am sure - that is to say, a
person whose virtues must endear him to those who know him - and
those who have not the pleasure of knowing him, cannot dislike
him.'

'Hear! hear!' said the company, in a tone of encouragement and
approval.

'Gentlemen,' continued Budden, 'my cousin is a man who - who is a
relation of my own.'  (Hear! hear!)  Minns groaned audibly.  'Who I
am most happy to see here, and who, if he were not here, would
certainly have deprived us of the great pleasure we all feel in
seeing him.  (Loud cries of hear!)  Gentlemen, I feel that I have
already trespassed on your attention for too long a time.  With
every feeling - of - with every sentiment of - of - '

'Gratification' - suggested the friend of the family.

'- Of gratification, I beg to propose the health of Mr. Minns.'

'Standing, gentlemen!' shouted the indefatigable little man with
the whiskers - 'and with the honours.  Take your time from me, if
you please.  Hip! hip! hip! - Za! - Hip! hip! hip! - Za! - Hip hip!
- Za-a-a!'

All eyes were now fixed on the subject of the toast, who by gulping
down port wine at the imminent hazard of suffocation, endeavoured
to conceal his confusion.  After as long a pause as decency would
admit, he rose, but, as the newspapers sometimes say in their
reports, 'we regret that we are quite unable to give even the
substance of the honourable gentleman's observations.'  The words
'present company - honour - present occasion,' and 'great
happiness' - heard occasionally, and repeated at intervals, with a
countenance expressive of the utmost confusion and misery,
convinced the company that he was making an excellent speech; and,
accordingly, on his resuming his seat, they cried 'Bravo!' and
manifested tumultuous applause.  Jones, who had been long watching
his opportunity, then darted up.

'Budden,' said he, 'will you allow ME to propose a toast?'

'Certainly,' replied Budden, adding in an under-tone to Minns right
across the table, 'Devilish sharp fellow that:  you'll be very much
pleased with his speech.  He talks equally well on any subject.'
Minns bowed, and Mr. Jones proceeded:

'It has on several occasions, in various instances, under many
circumstances, and in different companies, fallen to my lot to
propose a toast to those by whom, at the time, I have had the
honour to be surrounded, I have sometimes, I will cheerfully own -
for why should I deny it? - felt the overwhelming nature of the
task I have undertaken, and my own utter incapability to do justice
to the subject.  If such have been my feelings, however, on former
occasions, what must they be now - now - under the extraordinary
circumstances in which I am placed.  (Hear! hear!)  To describe my
feelings accurately, would be impossible; but I cannot give you a
better idea of them, gentlemen, than by referring to a circumstance
which happens, oddly enough, to occur to my mind at the moment.  On
one occasion, when that truly great and illustrious man, Sheridan,
was - '

Now, there is no knowing what new villainy in the form of a joke
would have been heaped on the grave of that very ill-used man, Mr.
Sheridan, if the boy in drab had not at that moment entered the
room in a breathless state, to report that, as it was a very wet
night, the nine o'clock stage had come round, to know whether there
was anybody going to town, as, in that case, he (the nine o'clock)
had room for one inside.

Mr. Minns started up; and, despite countless exclamations of
surprise, and entreaties to stay, persisted in his determination to
accept the vacant place.  But, the brown silk umbrella was nowhere
to be found; and as the coachman couldn't wait, he drove back to
the Swan, leaving word for Mr. Minns to 'run round' and catch him.
However, as it did not occur to Mr. Minns for some ten minutes or
so, that he had left the brown silk umbrella with the ivory handle
in the other coach, coming down; and, moreover, as he was by no
means remarkable for speed, it is no matter of surprise that when
he accomplished the feat of 'running round' to the Swan, the coach
- the last coach - had gone without him.

It was somewhere about three o'clock in the morning, when Mr.
Augustus Minns knocked feebly at the street-door of his lodgings in
Tavistock-street, cold, wet, cross, and miserable.  He made his
will next morning, and his professional man informs us, in that
strict confidence in which we inform the public, that neither the
name of Mr. Octavius Budden, nor of Mrs. Amelia Budden, nor of
Master Alexander Augustus Budden, appears therein.



CHAPTER III - SENTIMENT



The Miss Crumptons, or to quote the authority of the inscription on
the garden-gate of Minerva House, Hammersmith, 'The Misses
Crumpton,' were two unusually tall, particularly thin, and
exceedingly skinny personages:  very upright, and very yellow.
Miss Amelia Crumpton owned to thirty-eight, and Miss Maria Crumpton
admitted she was forty; an admission which was rendered perfectly
unnecessary by the self-evident fact of her being at least fifty.
They dressed in the most interesting manner - like twins! and
looked as happy and comfortable as a couple of marigolds run to
seed.  They were very precise, had the strictest possible ideas of
propriety, wore false hair, and always smelt very strongly of
lavender.

Minerva House, conducted under the auspices of the two sisters, was
a 'finishing establishment for young ladies,' where some twenty
girls of the ages of from thirteen to nineteen inclusive, acquired
a smattering of everything, and a knowledge of nothing; instruction
in French and Italian, dancing lessons twice a-week; and other
necessaries of life.  The house was a white one, a little removed
from the roadside, with close palings in front.  The bedroom
windows were always left partly open, to afford a bird's-eye view
of numerous little bedsteads with very white dimity furniture, and
thereby impress the passer-by with a due sense of the luxuries of
the establishment; and there was a front parlour hung round with
highly varnished maps which nobody ever looked at, and filled with
books which no one ever read, appropriated exclusively to the
reception of parents, who, whenever they called, could not fail to
be struck with the very deep appearance of the place.

'Amelia, my dear,' said Miss Maria Crumpton, entering the school-
room one morning, with her false hair in papers:  as she
occasionally did, in order to impress the young ladies with a
conviction of its reality.  'Amelia, my dear, here is a most
gratifying note I have just received.  You needn't mind reading it
aloud.'

Miss Amelia, thus advised, proceeded to read the following note
with an air of great triumph:


'Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P., presents his compliments to
Miss Crumpton, and will feel much obliged by Miss Crumpton's
calling on him, if she conveniently can, to-morrow morning at one
o'clock, as Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P., is anxious to see
Miss Crumpton on the subject of placing Miss Brook Dingwall under
her charge.

'Adelphi.

'Monday morning.'


'A Member of Parliament's daughter!' ejaculated Amelia, in an
ecstatic tone.

'A Member of Parliament's daughter!' repeated Miss Maria, with a
smile of delight, which, of course, elicited a concurrent titter of
pleasure from all the young ladies.

'It's exceedingly delightful!' said Miss Amelia; whereupon all the
young ladies murmured their admiration again.  Courtiers are but
school-boys, and court-ladies school-girl's.

So important an announcement at once superseded the business of the
day.  A holiday was declared, in commemoration of the great event;
the Miss Crumptons retired to their private apartment to talk it
over; the smaller girls discussed the probable manners and customs
of the daughter of a Member of Parliament; and the young ladies
verging on eighteen wondered whether she was engaged, whether she
was pretty, whether she wore much bustle, and many other WHETHERS
of equal importance.

The two Miss Crumptons proceeded to the Adelphi at the appointed
time next day, dressed, of course, in their best style, and looking
as amiable as they possibly could - which, by-the-bye, is not
saying much for them.  Having sent in their cards, through the
medium of a red-hot looking footman in bright livery, they were
ushered into the august presence of the profound Dingwall.

Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P., was very haughty, solemn, and
portentous.  He had, naturally, a somewhat spasmodic expression of
countenance, which was not rendered the less remarkable by his
wearing an extremely stiff cravat.  He was wonderfully proud of the
M.P. attached to his name, and never lost an opportunity of
reminding people of his dignity.  He had a great idea of his own
abilities, which must have been a great comfort to him, as no one
else had; and in diplomacy, on a small scale, in his own family
arrangements, he considered himself unrivalled.  He was a county
magistrate, and discharged the duties of his station with all due
justice and impartiality; frequently committing poachers, and
occasionally committing himself.  Miss Brook Dingwall was one of
that numerous class of young ladies, who, like adverbs, may be
known by their answering to a commonplace question, and doing
nothing else.

On the present occasion, this talented individual was seated in a
small library at a table covered with papers, doing nothing, but
trying to look busy, playing at shop.  Acts of Parliament, and
letters directed to 'Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P.,' were
ostentatiously scattered over the table; at a little distance from
which, Mrs. Brook Dingwall was seated at work.  One of those public
nuisances, a spoiled child, was playing about the room, dressed
after the most approved fashion - in a blue tunic with a black belt
- a quarter of a yard wide, fastened with an immense buckle -
looking like a robber in a melodrama, seen through a diminishing
glass.

After a little pleasantry from the sweet child, who amused himself
by running away with Miss Maria Crumpton's chair as fast as it was
placed for her, the visitors were seated, and Cornelius Brook
Dingwall, Esq., opened the conversation.

He had sent for Miss Crumpton, he said, in consequence of the high
character he had received of her establishment from his friend, Sir
Alfred Muggs.

Miss Crumpton murmured her acknowledgments to him (Muggs), and
Cornelius proceeded.

'One of my principal reasons, Miss Crumpton, for parting with my
daughter, is, that she has lately acquired some sentimental ideas,
which it is most desirable to eradicate from her young mind.'
(Here the little innocent before noticed, fell out of an arm-chair
with an awful crash.)

'Naughty boy!' said his mamma, who appeared more surprised at his
taking the liberty of falling down, than at anything else; 'I'll
ring the bell for James to take him away.'

'Pray don't check him, my love,' said the diplomatist, as soon as
he could make himself heard amidst the unearthly howling consequent
upon the threat and the tumble.  'It all arises from his great flow
of spirits.'  This last explanation was addressed to Miss Crumpton.

'Certainly, sir,' replied the antique Maria:  not exactly seeing,
however, the connexion between a flow of animal spirits, and a fall
from an arm-chair.

Silence was restored, and the M.P. resumed:  'Now, I know nothing
so likely to effect this object, Miss Crumpton, as her mixing
constantly in the society of girls of her own age; and, as I know
that in your establishment she will meet such as are not likely to
contaminate her young mind, I propose to send her to you.'

The youngest Miss Crumpton expressed the acknowledgments of the
establishment generally.  Maria was rendered speechless by bodily
pain.  The dear little fellow, having recovered his animal spirits,
was standing upon her most tender foot, by way of getting his face
(which looked like a capital O in a red-lettered play-bill) on a
level with the writing-table.

'Of course, Lavinia will be a parlour boarder,' continued the
enviable father; 'and on one point I wish my directions to be
strictly observed.  The fact is, that some ridiculous love affair,
with a person much her inferior in life, has been the cause of her
present state of mind.  Knowing that of course, under your care,
she can have no opportunity of meeting this person, I do not object
to - indeed, I should rather prefer - her mixing with such society
as you see yourself.'

This important statement was again interrupted by the high-spirited
little creature, in the excess of his joyousness breaking a pane of
glass, and nearly precipitating himself into an adjacent area.
James was rung for; considerable confusion and screaming succeeded;
two little blue legs were seen to kick violently in the air as the
man left the room, and the child was gone.

'Mr. Brook Dingwall would like Miss Brook Dingwall to learn
everything,' said Mrs. Brook Dingwall, who hardly ever said
anything at all.

'Certainly,' said both the Miss Crumptons together.

'And as I trust the plan I have devised will be effectual in
weaning my daughter from this absurd idea, Miss Crumpton,'
continued the legislator, 'I hope you will have the goodness to
comply, in all respects, with any request I may forward to you.'

The promise was of course made; and after a lengthened discussion,
conducted on behalf of the Dingwalls with the most becoming
diplomatic gravity, and on that of the Crumptons with profound
respect, it was finally arranged that Miss Lavinia should be
forwarded to Hammersmith on the next day but one, on which occasion
the half-yearly ball given at the establishment was to take place.
It might divert the dear girl's mind.  This, by the way, was
another bit of diplomacy.

Miss Lavinia was introduced to her future governess, and both the
Miss Crumptons pronounced her 'a most charming girl;' an opinion
which, by a singular coincidence, they always entertained of any
new pupil.

Courtesies were exchanged, acknowledgments expressed, condescension
exhibited, and the interview terminated.

Preparations, to make use of theatrical phraseology, 'on a scale of
magnitude never before attempted,' were incessantly made at Minerva
House to give every effect to the forthcoming ball.  The largest
room in the house was pleasingly ornamented with blue calico roses,
plaid tulips, and other equally natural-looking artificial flowers,
the work of the young ladies themselves.  The carpet was taken up,
the folding-doors were taken down, the furniture was taken out, and
rout-seats were taken in.  The linen-drapers of Hammersmith were
astounded at the sudden demand for blue sarsenet ribbon, and long
white gloves.  Dozens of geraniums were purchased for bouquets, and
a harp and two violins were bespoke from town, in addition to the
grand piano already on the premises.  The young ladies who were
selected to show off on the occasion, and do credit to the
establishment, practised incessantly, much to their own
satisfaction, and greatly to the annoyance of the lame old
gentleman over the way; and a constant correspondence was kept up,
between the Misses Crumpton and the Hammersmith pastrycook.

The evening came; and then there was such a lacing of stays, and
tying of sandals, and dressing of hair, as never can take place
with a proper degree of bustle out of a boarding-school.  The
smaller girls managed to be in everybody's way, and were pushed
about accordingly; and the elder ones dressed, and tied, and
flattered, and envied, one another, as earnestly and sincerely as
if they had actually COME OUT.

'How do I look, dear?' inquired Miss Emily Smithers, the belle of
the house, of Miss Caroline Wilson, who was her bosom friend,
because she was the ugliest girl in Hammersmith, or out of it.

'Oh! charming, dear.  How do I?'

'Delightful! you never looked so handsome,' returned the belle,
adjusting her own dress, and not bestowing a glance on her poor
companion.

'I hope young Hilton will come early,' said another young lady to
Miss somebody else, in a fever of expectation.

'I'm sure he'd be highly flattered if he knew it,' returned the
other, who was practising L'ETE.

'Oh! he's so handsome,' said the first.

'Such a charming person!' added a second.

'Such a DISTINGUE air!' said a third.

'Oh, what DO you think?' said another girl, running into the room;
'Miss Crumpton says her cousin's coming.'

'What!  Theodosius Butler?' said everybody in raptures.

'Is HE handsome?' inquired a novice.

'No, not particularly handsome,' was the general reply; 'but, oh,
so clever!'

Mr. Theodosius Butler was one of those immortal geniuses who are to
be met with in almost every circle.  They have, usually, very deep,
monotonous voices.  They always persuade themselves that they are
wonderful persons, and that they ought to be very miserable, though
they don't precisely know why.  They are very conceited, and
usually possess half an idea; but, with enthusiastic young ladies,
and silly young gentlemen, they are very wonderful persons.  The
individual in question, Mr. Theodosius, had written a pamphlet
containing some very weighty considerations on the expediency of
doing something or other; and as every sentence contained a good
many words of four syllables, his admirers took it for granted that
he meant a good deal.

'Perhaps that's he,' exclaimed several young ladies, as the first
pull of the evening threatened destruction to the bell of the gate.

An awful pause ensued.  Some boxes arrived and a young lady - Miss
Brook Dingwall, in full ball costume, with an immense gold chain
round her neck, and her dress looped up with a single rose; an
ivory fan in her hand, and a most interesting expression of despair
in her face.

The Miss Crumptons inquired after the family, with the most
excruciating anxiety, and Miss Brook Dingwall was formally
introduced to her future companions.  The Miss Crumptons conversed
with the young ladies in the most mellifluous tones, in order that
Miss Brook Dingwall might be properly impressed with their amiable
treatment.

Another pull at the bell.  Mr. Dadson the writing-master, and his
wife.  The wife in green silk, with shoes and cap-trimmings to
correspond:  the writing-master in a white waistcoat, black knee-
shorts, and ditto silk stockings, displaying a leg large enough for
two writing-masters.  The young ladies whispered one another, and
the writing-master and his wife flattered the Miss Crumptons, who
were dressed in amber, with long sashes, like dolls.

Repeated pulls at the bell, and arrivals too numerous to
particularise:  papas and mammas, and aunts and uncles, the owners
and guardians of the different pupils; the singing-master, Signor
Lobskini, in a black wig; the piano-forte player and the violins;
the harp, in a state of intoxication; and some twenty young men,
who stood near the door, and talked to one another, occasionally
bursting into a giggle.  A general hum of conversation.  Coffee
handed round, and plentifully partaken of by fat mammas, who looked
like the stout people who come on in pantomimes for the sole
purpose of being knocked down.

The popular Mr. Hilton was the next arrival; and he having, at the
request of the Miss Crumptons, undertaken the office of Master of
the Ceremonies, the quadrilles commenced with considerable spirit.
The young men by the door gradually advanced into the middle of the
room, and in time became sufficiently at ease to consent to be
introduced to partners.  The writing-master danced every set,
springing about with the most fearful agility, and his wife played
a rubber in the back-parlour - a little room with five book-
shelves, dignified by the name of the study.  Setting her down to
whist was a half-yearly piece of generalship on the part of the
Miss Crumptons; it was necessary to hide her somewhere, on account
of her being a fright.

The interesting Lavinia Brook Dingwall was the only girl present,
who appeared to take no interest in the proceedings of the evening.
In vain was she solicited to dance; in vain was the universal
homage paid to her as the daughter of a member of parliament.  She
was equally unmoved by the splendid tenor of the inimitable
Lobskini, and the brilliant execution of Miss Laetitia Parsons,
whose performance of 'The Recollections of Ireland' was universally
declared to be almost equal to that of Moscheles himself.  Not even
the announcement of the arrival of Mr. Theodosius Butler could
induce her to leave the corner of the back drawing-room in which
she was seated.

'Now, Theodosius,' said Miss Maria Crumpton, after that enlightened
pamphleteer had nearly run the gauntlet of the whole company, 'I
must introduce you to our new pupil.'

Theodosius looked as if he cared for nothing earthly.

'She's the daughter of a member of parliament,' said Maria. -
Theodosius started.

'And her name is - ?' he inquired.

'Miss Brook Dingwall.'

'Great Heaven!' poetically exclaimed Theodosius, in a low tone.

Miss Crumpton commenced the introduction in due form.  Miss Brook
Dingwall languidly raised her head.

'Edward!' she exclaimed, with a half-shriek, on seeing the well-
known nankeen legs.

Fortunately, as Miss Maria Crumpton possessed no remarkable share
of penetration, and as it was one of the diplomatic arrangements
that no attention was to be paid to Miss Lavinia's incoherent
exclamations, she was perfectly unconscious of the mutual agitation
of the parties; and therefore, seeing that the offer of his hand
for the next quadrille was accepted, she left him by the side of
Miss Brook Dingwall.

'Oh, Edward!' exclaimed that most romantic of all romantic young
ladies, as the light of science seated himself beside her, 'Oh,
Edward, is it you?'

Mr. Theodosius assured the dear creature, in the most impassioned
manner, that he was not conscious of being anybody but himself.

'Then why - why - this disguise?  Oh!  Edward M'Neville Walter,
what have I not suffered on your account?'

'Lavinia, hear me,' replied the hero, in his most poetic strain.
'Do not condemn me unheard.  If anything that emanates from the
soul of such a wretch as I, can occupy a place in your recollection
- if any being, so vile, deserve your notice - you may remember
that I once published a pamphlet (and paid for its publication)
entitled "Considerations on the Policy of Removing the Duty on
Bees'-wax."'

'I do - I do!' sobbed Lavinia.

'That,' continued the lover, 'was a subject to which your father
was devoted heart and soul.'

'He was - he was!' reiterated the sentimentalist.

'I knew it,' continued Theodosius, tragically; 'I knew it - I
forwarded him a copy.  He wished to know me.  Could I disclose my
real name?  Never!  No, I assumed that name which you have so often
pronounced in tones of endearment.  As M'Neville Walter, I devoted
myself to the stirring cause; as M'Neville Walter I gained your
heart; in the same character I was ejected from your house by your
father's domestics; and in no character at all have I since been
enabled to see you.  We now meet again, and I proudly own that I am
- Theodosius Butler.'

The young lady appeared perfectly satisfied with this argumentative
address, and bestowed a look of the most ardent affection on the
immortal advocate of bees'-wax.

'May I hope,' said he, 'that the promise your father's violent
behaviour interrupted, may be renewed?'

'Let us join this set,' replied Lavinia, coquettishly - for girls
of nineteen CAN coquette.

'No,' ejaculated he of the nankeens.  'I stir not from this spot,
writhing under this torture of suspense.  May I - may I - hope?'

'You may.'

'The promise is renewed?'

'It is.'

'I have your permission?'

'You have.'

'To the fullest extent?'

'You know it,' returned the blushing Lavinia.  The contortions of
the interesting Butler's visage expressed his raptures.

We could dilate upon the occurrences that ensued.  How Mr.
Theodosius and Miss Lavinia danced, and talked, and sighed for the
remainder of the evening - how the Miss Crumptons were delighted
thereat.  How the writing-master continued to frisk about with one-
horse power, and how his wife, from some unaccountable freak, left
the whist-table in the little back-parlour, and persisted in
displaying her green head-dress in the most conspicuous part of the
drawing-room.  How the supper consisted of small triangular
sandwiches in trays, and a tart here and there by way of variety;
and how the visitors consumed warm water disguised with lemon, and
dotted with nutmeg, under the denomination of negus.  These, and
other matters of as much interest, however, we pass over, for the
purpose of describing a scene of even more importance.

A fortnight after the date of the ball, Cornelius Brook Dingwall,
Esq., M.P., was seated at the same library-table, and in the same
room, as we have before described.  He was alone, and his face bore
an expression of deep thought and solemn gravity - he was drawing
up 'A Bill for the better observance of Easter Monday.'

The footman tapped at the door - the legislator started from his
reverie, and 'Miss Crumpton' was announced.  Permission was given
for Miss Crumpton to enter the SANCTUM; Maria came sliding in, and
having taken her seat with a due portion of affectation, the
footman retired, and the governess was left alone with the M.P.
Oh! how she longed for the presence of a third party!  Even the
facetious young gentleman would have been a relief.

Miss Crumpton began the duet.  She hoped Mrs. Brook Dingwall and
the handsome little boy were in good health.

They were.  Mrs. Brook Dingwall and little Frederick were at
Brighton.

'Much obliged to you, Miss Crumpton,' said Cornelius, in his most
dignified manner, 'for your attention in calling this morning.  I
should have driven down to Hammersmith, to see Lavinia, but your
account was so very satisfactory, and my duties in the House occupy
me so much, that I determined to postpone it for a week.  How has
she gone on?'

'Very well indeed, sir,' returned Maria, dreading to inform the
father that she had gone off.

'Ah, I thought the plan on which I proceeded would be a match for
her.'

Here was a favourable opportunity to say that somebody else had
been a match for her.  But the unfortunate governess was unequal to
the task.

'You have persevered strictly in the line of conduct I prescribed,
Miss Crumpton?'

'Strictly, sir.'

'You tell me in your note that her spirits gradually improved.'

'Very much indeed, sir.'

'To be sure.  I was convinced they would.'

'But I fear, sir,' said Miss Crumpton, with visible emotion, 'I
fear the plan has not succeeded, quite so well as we could have
wished.'

No!' exclaimed the prophet.  'Bless me!  Miss Crumpton, you look
alarmed.  What has happened?'

'Miss Brook Dingwall, sir - '

'Yes, ma'am?'

'Has gone, sir' - said Maria, exhibiting a strong inclination to
faint.

'Gone!'

'Eloped, sir.'

'Eloped! - Who with - when - where - how?' almost shrieked the
agitated diplomatist.

The natural yellow of the unfortunate Maria's face changed to all
the hues of the rainbow, as she laid a small packet on the member's
table.

He hurriedly opened it.  A letter from his daughter, and another
from Theodosius.  He glanced over their contents - 'Ere this
reaches you, far distant - appeal to feelings - love to distraction
- bees'-wax - slavery,' &c., &c.  He dashed his hand to his
forehead, and paced the room with fearfully long strides, to the
great alarm of the precise Maria.

'Now mind; from this time forward,' said Mr. Brook Dingwall,
suddenly stopping at the table, and beating time upon it with his
hand; 'from this time forward, I never will, under any
circumstances whatever, permit a man who writes pamphlets to enter
any other room of this house but the kitchen. - I'll allow my
daughter and her husband one hundred and fifty pounds a-year, and
never see their faces again:  and, damme! ma'am, I'll bring in a
bill for the abolition of finishing-schools.'

Some time has elapsed since this passionate declaration.  Mr. and
Mrs. Butler are at present rusticating in a small cottage at
Ball's-pond, pleasantly situated in the immediate vicinity of a
brick-field.  They have no family.  Mr. Theodosius looks very
important, and writes incessantly; but, in consequence of a gross
combination on the part of publishers, none of his productions
appear in print.  His young wife begins to think that ideal misery
is preferable to real unhappiness; and that a marriage, contracted
in haste, and repented at leisure, is the cause of more substantial
wretchedness than she ever anticipated.

On cool reflection, Cornelius Brook Dingwall, Esq., M.P., was
reluctantly compelled to admit that the untoward result of his
admirable arrangements was attributable, not to the Miss Crumptons,
but his own diplomacy.  He, however, consoles himself, like some
other small diplomatists, by satisfactorily proving that if his
plans did not succeed, they ought to have done so.  Minerva House
is IN STATUS QUO, and 'The Misses Crumpton' remain in the peaceable
and undisturbed enjoyment of all the advantages resulting from
their Finishing-School.



CHAPTER IV - THE TUGGSES AT RAMSGATE



Once upon a time there dwelt, in a narrow street on the Surrey side
of the water, within three minutes' walk of old London Bridge, Mr.
Joseph Tuggs - a little dark-faced man, with shiny hair, twinkling
eyes, short legs, and a body of very considerable thickness,
measuring from the centre button of his waistcoat in front, to the
ornamental buttons of his coat behind.  The figure of the amiable
Mrs. Tuggs, if not perfectly symmetrical, was decidedly
comfortable; and the form of her only daughter, the accomplished
Miss Charlotte Tuggs, was fast ripening into that state of
luxuriant plumpness which had enchanted the eyes, and captivated
the heart, of Mr. Joseph Tuggs in his earlier days.  Mr. Simon
Tuggs, his only son, and Miss Charlotte Tuggs's only brother, was
as differently formed in body, as he was differently constituted in
mind, from the remainder of his family.  There was that elongation
in his thoughtful face, and that tendency to weakness in his
interesting legs, which tell so forcibly of a great mind and
romantic disposition.  The slightest traits of character in such a
being, possess no mean interest to speculative minds.  He usually
appeared in public, in capacious shoes with black cotton stockings;
and was observed to be particularly attached to a black glazed
stock, without tie or ornament of any description.

There is perhaps no profession, however useful; no pursuit, however
meritorious; which can escape the petty attacks of vulgar minds.
Mr. Joseph Tuggs was a grocer.  It might be supposed that a grocer
was beyond the breath of calumny; but no - the neighbours
stigmatised him as a chandler; and the poisonous voice of envy
distinctly asserted that he dispensed tea and coffee by the
quartern, retailed sugar by the ounce, cheese by the slice, tobacco
by the screw, and butter by the pat.  These taunts, however, were
lost upon the Tuggses.  Mr. Tuggs attended to the grocery
department; Mrs. Tuggs to the cheesemongery; and Miss Tuggs to her
education.  Mr. Simon Tuggs kept his father's books, and his own
counsel.

One fine spring afternoon, the latter gentleman was seated on a tub
of weekly Dorset, behind the little red desk with a wooden rail,
which ornamented a corner of the counter; when a stranger
dismounted from a cab, and hastily entered the shop.  He was
habited in black cloth, and bore with him, a green umbrella, and a
blue bag.

'Mr. Tuggs?' said the stranger, inquiringly.

'MY name is Tuggs,' replied Mr. Simon.

'It's the other Mr. Tuggs,' said the stranger, looking towards the
glass door which led into the parlour behind the shop, and on the
inside of which, the round face of Mr. Tuggs, senior, was
distinctly visible, peeping over the curtain.

Mr. Simon gracefully waved his pen, as if in intimation of his wish
that his father would advance.  Mr. Joseph Tuggs, with considerable
celerity, removed his face from the curtain and placed it before
the stranger.

'I come from the Temple,' said the man with the bag.

'From the Temple!' said Mrs. Tuggs, flinging open the door of the
little parlour and disclosing Miss Tuggs in perspective.

'From the Temple!' said Miss Tuggs and Mr. Simon Tuggs at the same
moment.

'From the Temple!' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs, turning as pale as a
Dutch cheese.

'From the Temple,' repeated the man with the bag; 'from Mr.
Cower's, the solicitor's.  Mr. Tuggs, I congratulate you, sir.
Ladies, I wish you joy of your prosperity!  We have been
successful.'  And the man with the bag leisurely divested himself
of his umbrella and glove, as a preliminary to shaking hands with
Mr. Joseph Tuggs.

Now the words 'we have been successful,' had no sooner issued from
the mouth of the man with the bag, than Mr. Simon Tuggs rose from
the tub of weekly Dorset, opened his eyes very wide, gasped for
breath, made figures of eight in the air with his pen, and finally
fell into the arms of his anxious mother, and fainted away without
the slightest ostensible cause or pretence.

'Water!' screamed Mrs. Tuggs.

'Look up, my son,' exclaimed Mr. Tuggs.

'Simon! dear Simon!' shrieked Miss Tuggs.

'I'm better now,' said Mr. Simon Tuggs.  'What! successful!'  And
then, as corroborative evidence of his being better, he fainted
away again, and was borne into the little parlour by the united
efforts of the remainder of the family, and the man with the bag.

To a casual spectator, or to any one unacquainted with the position
of the family, this fainting would have been unaccountable.  To
those who understood the mission of the man with the bag, and were
moreover acquainted with the excitability of the nerves of Mr.
Simon Tuggs, it was quite comprehensible.  A long-pending lawsuit
respecting the validity of a will, had been unexpectedly decided;
and Mr. Joseph Tuggs was the possessor of twenty thousand pounds.

A prolonged consultation took place, that night, in the little
parlour - a consultation that was to settle the future destinies of
the Tuggses.  The shop was shut up, at an unusually early hour; and
many were the unavailing kicks bestowed upon the closed door by
applicants for quarterns of sugar, or half-quarterns of bread, or
penn'orths of pepper, which were to have been 'left till Saturday,'
but which fortune had decreed were to be left alone altogether.

'We must certainly give up business,' said Miss Tuggs.

'Oh, decidedly,' said Mrs. Tuggs.

'Simon shall go to the bar,' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs.

'And I shall always sign myself "Cymon" in future,' said his son.

'And I shall call myself Charlotta,' said Miss Tuggs.

'And you must always call ME "Ma," and father "Pa,"' said Mrs.
Tuggs.

'Yes, and Pa must leave off all his vulgar habits,' interposed Miss
Tuggs.

'I'll take care of all that,' responded Mr. Joseph Tuggs,
complacently.  He was, at that very moment, eating pickled salmon
with a pocket-knife.

'We must leave town immediately,' said Mr. Cymon Tuggs.

Everybody concurred that this was an indispensable preliminary to
being genteel.  The question then arose, Where should they go?

'Gravesend?' mildly suggested Mr. Joseph Tuggs.  The idea was
unanimously scouted.  Gravesend was LOW.

'Margate?' insinuated Mrs. Tuggs.  Worse and worse - nobody there,
but tradespeople.

'Brighton?'  Mr. Cymon Tuggs opposed an insurmountable objection.
All the coaches had been upset, in turn, within the last three
weeks; each coach had averaged two passengers killed, and six
wounded; and, in every case, the newspapers had distinctly
understood that 'no blame whatever was attributable to the
coachman.'

'Ramsgate?' ejaculated Mr. Cymon, thoughtfully.  To be sure; how
stupid they must have been, not to have thought of that before!
Ramsgate was just the place of all others.

Two months after this conversation, the City of London Ramsgate
steamer was running gaily down the river.  Her flag was flying, her
band was playing, her passengers were conversing; everything about
her seemed gay and lively. - No wonder - the Tuggses were on board.

'Charming, ain't it?' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs, in a bottle-green
great-coat, with a velvet collar of the same, and a blue
travelling-cap with a gold band.

'Soul-inspiring,' replied Mr. Cymon Tuggs - he was entered at the
bar.  'Soul-inspiring!'

'Delightful morning, sir!' said a stoutish, military-looking
gentleman in a blue surtout buttoned up to his chin, and white
trousers chained down to the soles of his boots.

Mr. Cymon Tuggs took upon himself the responsibility of answering
the observation.  'Heavenly!' he replied.

'You are an enthusiastic admirer of the beauties of Nature, sir?'
said the military gentleman.

'I am, sir,' replied Mr. Cymon Tuggs.

'Travelled much, sir?' inquired the military gentleman.

'Not much,' replied Mr. Cymon Tuggs.

'You've been on the continent, of course?' inquired the military
gentleman.

'Not exactly,' replied Mr. Cymon Tuggs - in a qualified tone, as if
he wished it to be implied that he had gone half-way and come back
again.

'You of course intend your son to make the grand tour, sir?' said
the military gentleman, addressing Mr. Joseph Tuggs.

As Mr. Joseph Tuggs did not precisely understand what the grand
tour was, or how such an article was manufactured, he replied, 'Of
course.'  Just as he said the word, there came tripping up, from
her seat at the stern of the vessel, a young lady in a puce-
coloured silk cloak, and boots of the same; with long black
ringlets, large black eyes, brief petticoats, and unexceptionable
ankles.

'Walter, my dear,' said the young lady to the military gentleman.

'Yes, Belinda, my love,' responded the military gentleman to the
black-eyed young lady.

'What have you left me alone so long for?' said the young lady.  'I
have been stared out of countenance by those rude young men.'

'What! stared at?' exclaimed the military gentleman, with an
emphasis which made Mr. Cymon Tuggs withdraw his eyes from the
young lady's face with inconceivable rapidity.  'Which young men -
where?' and the military gentleman clenched his fist, and glared
fearfully on the cigar-smokers around.

'Be calm, Walter, I entreat,' said the young lady.

'I won't,' said the military gentleman.

'Do, sir,' interposed Mr. Cymon Tuggs.  'They ain't worth your
notice.'

'No - no - they are not, indeed,' urged the young lady.

'I WILL be calm,' said the military gentleman.  'You speak truly,
sir.  I thank you for a timely remonstrance, which may have spared
me the guilt of manslaughter.'  Calming his wrath, the military
gentleman wrung Mr. Cymon Tuggs by the hand.

'My sister, sir!' said Mr. Cymon Tuggs; seeing that the military
gentleman was casting an admiring look towards Miss Charlotta.

'My wife, ma'am - Mrs. Captain Waters,' said the military
gentleman, presenting the black-eyed young lady.

'My mother, ma'am - Mrs. Tuggs,' said Mr. Cymon.  The military
gentleman and his wife murmured enchanting courtesies; and the
Tuggses looked as unembarrassed as they could.

'Walter, my dear,' said the black-eyed young lady, after they had
sat chatting with the Tuggses some half-hour.

'Yes, my love,' said the military gentleman.

'Don't you think this gentleman (with an inclination of the head
towards Mr. Cymon Tuggs) is very much like the Marquis Carriwini?'

'Lord bless me, very!' said the military gentleman.

'It struck me, the moment I saw him,' said the young lady, gazing
intently, and with a melancholy air, on the scarlet countenance of
Mr. Cymon Tuggs.  Mr. Cymon Tuggs looked at everybody; and finding
that everybody was looking at him, appeared to feel some temporary
difficulty in disposing of his eyesight.

'So exactly the air of the marquis,' said the military gentleman.

'Quite extraordinary!' sighed the military gentleman's lady.

'You don't know the marquis, sir?' inquired the military gentleman.

Mr. Cymon Tuggs stammered a negative.

'If you did,' continued Captain Walter Waters, 'you would feel how
much reason you have to be proud of the resemblance - a most
elegant man, with a most prepossessing appearance.'

'He is - he is indeed!' exclaimed Belinda Waters energetically.  As
her eye caught that of Mr. Cymon Tuggs, she withdrew it from his
features in bashful confusion.

All this was highly gratifying to the feelings of the Tuggses; and
when, in the course of farther conversation, it was discovered that
Miss Charlotta Tuggs was the FAC SIMILE of a titled relative of
Mrs. Belinda Waters, and that Mrs. Tuggs herself was the very
picture of the Dowager Duchess of Dobbleton, their delight in the
acquisition of so genteel and friendly an acquaintance, knew no
bounds.  Even the dignity of Captain Walter Waters relaxed, to that
degree, that he suffered himself to be prevailed upon by Mr. Joseph
Tuggs, to partake of cold pigeon-pie and sherry, on deck; and a
most delightful conversation, aided by these agreeable stimulants,
was prolonged, until they ran alongside Ramsgate Pier.

'Good-bye, dear!' said Mrs. Captain Waters to Miss Charlotta Tuggs,
just before the bustle of landing commenced; 'we shall see you on
the sands in the morning; and, as we are sure to have found
lodgings before then, I hope we shall be inseparables for many
weeks to come.'

'Oh! I hope so,' said Miss Charlotta Tuggs, emphatically.

'Tickets, ladies and gen'lm'n,' said the man on the paddle-box.

'Want a porter, sir?' inquired a dozen men in smock-frocks.

'Now, my dear!' said Captain Waters.

'Good-bye!' said Mrs. Captain Waters - 'good-bye, Mr. Cymon!' and
with a pressure of the hand which threw the amiable young man's
nerves into a state of considerable derangement, Mrs. Captain
Waters disappeared among the crowd.  A pair of puce-coloured boots
were seen ascending the steps, a white handkerchief fluttered, a
black eye gleamed.  The Waterses were gone, and Mr. Cymon Tuggs was
alone in a heartless world.

Silently and abstractedly, did that too sensitive youth follow his
revered parents, and a train of smock-frocks and wheelbarrows,
along the pier, until the bustle of the scene around, recalled him
to himself.  The sun was shining brightly; the sea, dancing to its
own music, rolled merrily in; crowds of people promenaded to and
fro; young ladies tittered; old ladies talked; nursemaids displayed
their charms to the greatest possible advantage; and their little
charges ran up and down, and to and fro, and in and out, under the
feet, and between the legs, of the assembled concourse, in the most
playful and exhilarating manner.  There were old gentlemen, trying
to make out objects through long telescopes; and young ones, making
objects of themselves in open shirt-collars; ladies, carrying about
portable chairs, and portable chairs carrying about invalids;
parties, waiting on the pier for parties who had come by the steam-
boat; and nothing was to be heard but talking, laughing, welcoming,
and merriment.

'Fly, sir?' exclaimed a chorus of fourteen men and six boys, the
moment Mr. Joseph Tuggs, at the head of his little party, set foot
in the street.

'Here's the gen'lm'n at last!' said one, touching his hat with mock
politeness.  'Werry glad to see you, sir, - been a-waitin' for you
these six weeks.  Jump in, if you please, sir!'

'Nice light fly and a fast trotter, sir,' said another:  'fourteen
mile a hour, and surroundin' objects rendered inwisible by ex-treme
welocity!'

'Large fly for your luggage, sir,' cried a third.  'Werry large fly
here, sir - reg'lar bluebottle!'

'Here's YOUR fly, sir!' shouted another aspiring charioteer,
mounting the box, and inducing an old grey horse to indulge in some
imperfect reminiscences of a canter.  'Look at him, sir! - temper
of a lamb and haction of a steam-ingein!'

Resisting even the temptation of securing the services of so
valuable a quadruped as the last named, Mr. Joseph Tuggs beckoned
to the proprietor of a dingy conveyance of a greenish hue, lined
with faded striped calico; and, the luggage and the family having
been deposited therein, the animal in the shafts, after describing
circles in the road for a quarter of an hour, at last consented to
depart in quest of lodgings.

'How many beds have you got?' screamed Mrs. Tuggs out of the fly,
to the woman who opened the door of the first house which displayed
a bill intimating that apartments were to be let within.

'How many did you want, ma'am?' was, of course, the reply.

'Three.'

'Will you step in, ma'am?'  Down got Mrs. Tuggs.  The family were
delighted.  Splendid view of the sea from the front windows  -
charming!  A short pause.  Back came Mrs. Tuggs again. - One
parlour and a mattress.

'Why the devil didn't they say so at first?' inquired Mr. Joseph
Tuggs, rather pettishly.

'Don't know,' said Mrs. Tuggs.

'Wretches!' exclaimed the nervous Cymon.  Another bill - another
stoppage.  Same question - same answer - similar result.

'What do they mean by this?' inquired Mr. Joseph Tuggs, thoroughly
out of temper.

'Don't know,' said the placid Mrs. Tuggs.

'Orvis the vay here, sir,' said the driver, by way of accounting
for the circumstance in a satisfactory manner; and off they went
again, to make fresh inquiries, and encounter fresh
disappointments.

It had grown dusk when the 'fly' - the rate of whose progress
greatly belied its name - after climbing up four or five
perpendicular hills, stopped before the door of a dusty house, with
a bay window, from which you could obtain a beautiful glimpse of
the sea - if you thrust half of your body out of it, at the
imminent peril of falling into the area.  Mrs. Tuggs alighted.  One
ground-floor sitting-room, and three cells with beds in them up-
stairs.  A double-house.  Family on the opposite side.  Five
children milk-and-watering in the parlour, and one little boy,
expelled for bad behaviour, screaming on his back in the passage.

'What's the terms?' said Mrs. Tuggs.  The mistress of the house was
considering the expediency of putting on an extra guinea; so, she
coughed slightly, and affected not to hear the question.

'What's the terms?' said Mrs. Tuggs, in a louder key.

'Five guineas a week, ma'am, WITH attendance,' replied the lodging-
house keeper.  (Attendance means the privilege of ringing the bell
as often as you like, for your own amusement.)

'Rather dear,' said Mrs. Tuggs.  'Oh dear, no, ma'am!' replied the
mistress of the house, with a benign smile of pity at the ignorance
of manners and customs, which the observation betrayed.  'Very
cheap!'

Such an authority was indisputable.  Mrs. Tuggs paid a week's rent
in advance, and took the lodgings for a month.  In an hour's time,
the family were seated at tea in their new abode.

'Capital srimps!' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs.

Mr. Cymon eyed his father with a rebellious scowl, as he
emphatically said 'SHRIMPS.'

'Well, then, shrimps,' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs.  'Srimps or shrimps,
don't much matter.'

There was pity, blended with malignity, in Mr. Cymon's eye, as he
replied, 'Don't matter, father!  What would Captain Waters say, if
he heard such vulgarity?'

'Or what would dear Mrs. Captain Waters say,' added Charlotta, 'if
she saw mother - ma, I mean - eating them whole, heads and all!'

'It won't bear thinking of!' ejaculated Mr. Cymon, with a shudder.
'How different,' he thought, 'from the Dowager Duchess of
Dobbleton!'

'Very pretty woman, Mrs. Captain Waters, is she not, Cymon?'
inquired Miss Charlotta.

A glow of nervous excitement passed over the countenance of Mr.
Cymon Tuggs, as he replied, 'An angel of beauty!'

'Hallo!' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs.  'Hallo, Cymon, my boy, take care.
Married lady, you know;' and he winked one of his twinkling eyes
knowingly.

'Why,' exclaimed Cymon, starting up with an ebullition of fury, as
unexpected as alarming, 'why am I to be reminded of that blight of
my happiness, and ruin of my hopes?  Why am I to be taunted with
the miseries which are heaped upon my head?  Is it not enough to -
to - to - ' and the orator paused; but whether for want of words,
or lack of breath, was never distinctly ascertained.

There was an impressive solemnity in the tone of this address, and
in the air with which the romantic Cymon, at its conclusion, rang
the bell, and demanded a flat candlestick, which effectually
forbade a reply.  He stalked dramatically to bed, and the Tuggses
went to bed too, half an hour afterwards, in a state of
considerable mystification and perplexity.

If the pier had presented a scene of life and bustle to the Tuggses
on their first landing at Ramsgate, it was far surpassed by the
appearance of the sands on the morning after their arrival.  It was
a fine, bright, clear day, with a light breeze from the sea.  There
were the same ladies and gentlemen, the same children, the same
nursemaids, the same telescopes, the same portable chairs.  The
ladies were employed in needlework, or watch-guard making, or
knitting, or reading novels; the gentlemen were reading newspapers
and magazines; the children were digging holes in the sand with
wooden spades, and collecting water therein; the nursemaids, with
their youngest charges in their arms, were running in after the
waves, and then running back with the waves after them; and, now
and then, a little sailing-boat either departed with a gay and
talkative cargo of passengers, or returned with a very silent and
particularly uncomfortable-looking one.

'Well, I never!' exclaimed Mrs. Tuggs, as she and Mr. Joseph Tuggs,
and Miss Charlotta Tuggs, and Mr. Cymon Tuggs, with their eight
feet in a corresponding number of yellow shoes, seated themselves
on four rush-bottomed chairs, which, being placed in a soft part of
the sand, forthwith sunk down some two feet and a half - 'Well, I
never!'

Mr. Cymon, by an exertion of great personal strength, uprooted the
chairs, and removed them further back.

'Why, I'm blessed if there ain't some ladies a-going in!' exclaimed
Mr. Joseph Tuggs, with intense astonishment.

'Lor, pa!' exclaimed Miss Charlotta.

'There IS, my dear,' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs.  And, sure enough, four
young ladies, each furnished with a towel, tripped up the steps of
a bathing-machine.  In went the horse, floundering about in the
water; round turned the machine; down sat the driver; and presently
out burst the young ladies aforesaid, with four distinct splashes.

'Well, that's sing'ler, too!' ejaculated Mr. Joseph Tuggs, after an
awkward pause.  Mr. Cymon coughed slightly.

'Why, here's some gentlemen a-going in on this side!' exclaimed
Mrs. Tuggs, in a tone of horror.

Three machines - three horses - three flounderings - three turnings
round - three splashes - three gentlemen, disporting themselves in
the water like so many dolphins.

'Well, THAT'S sing'ler!' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs again.  Miss
Charlotta coughed this time, and another pause ensued.  It was
agreeably broken.

'How d'ye do, dear?  We have been looking for you, all the
morning,' said a voice to Miss Charlotta Tuggs.  Mrs. Captain
Waters was the owner of it.

'How d'ye do?' said Captain Walter Waters, all suavity; and a most
cordial interchange of greetings ensued.

'Belinda, my love,' said Captain Walter Waters, applying his glass
to his eye, and looking in the direction of the sea.

'Yes, my dear,' replied Mrs. Captain Waters.

'There's Harry Thompson!'

'Where?' said Belinda, applying her glass to her eye.

'Bathing.'

'Lor, so it is!  He don't see us, does he?'

'No, I don't think he does' replied the captain.  'Bless my soul,
how very singular!'

'What?' inquired Belinda.

'There's Mary Golding, too.'

'Lor! - where?'  (Up went the glass again.)

'There!' said the captain, pointing to one of the young ladies
before noticed, who, in her bathing costume, looked as if she was
enveloped in a patent Mackintosh, of scanty dimensions.

'So it is, I declare!' exclaimed Mrs. Captain Waters.  'How very
curious we should see them both!'

'Very,' said the captain, with perfect coolness.

'It's the reg'lar thing here, you see,' whispered Mr. Cymon Tuggs
to his father.

'I see it is,' whispered Mr. Joseph Tuggs in reply.  'Queer, though
- ain't it?'  Mr. Cymon Tuggs nodded assent.

'What do you think of doing with yourself this morning?' inquired
the captain.  'Shall we lunch at Pegwell?'

'I should like that very much indeed,' interposed Mrs. Tuggs.  She
had never heard of Pegwell; but the word 'lunch' had reached her
ears, and it sounded very agreeably.

'How shall we go?' inquired the captain; 'it's too warm to walk.'

'A shay?' suggested Mr. Joseph Tuggs.

'Chaise,' whispered Mr. Cymon.

'I should think one would be enough,' said Mr. Joseph Tuggs aloud,
quite unconscious of the meaning of the correction.  'However, two
shays if you like.'

'I should like a donkey SO much,' said Belinda.

'Oh, so should I!' echoed Charlotta Tuggs.

'Well, we can have a fly,' suggested the captain, 'and you can have
a couple of donkeys.'

A fresh difficulty arose.  Mrs. Captain Waters declared it would be
decidedly improper for two ladies to ride alone.  The remedy was
obvious.  Perhaps young Mr. Tuggs would be gallant enough to
accompany them.

Mr. Cymon Tuggs blushed, smiled, looked vacant, and faintly
protested that he was no horseman.  The objection was at once
overruled.  A fly was speedily found; and three donkeys - which the
proprietor declared on his solemn asseveration to be 'three parts
blood, and the other corn' - were engaged in the service.

'Kim up!' shouted one of the two boys who followed behind, to
propel the donkeys, when Belinda Waters and Charlotta Tuggs had
been hoisted, and pushed, and pulled, into their respective
saddles.

'Hi - hi - hi!' groaned the other boy behind Mr. Cymon Tuggs.  Away
went the donkey, with the stirrups jingling against the heels of
Cymon's boots, and Cymon's boots nearly scraping the ground.

'Way - way!  Wo - o - o -!' cried Mr. Cymon Tuggs as well as he
could, in the midst of the jolting.

'Don't make it gallop!' screamed Mrs. Captain Waters, behind.

'My donkey WILL go into the public-house!' shrieked Miss Tuggs in
the rear.

'Hi - hi - hi!' groaned both the boys together; and on went the
donkeys as if nothing would ever stop them.

Everything has an end, however; even the galloping of donkeys will
cease in time.  The animal which Mr. Cymon Tuggs bestrode, feeling
sundry uncomfortable tugs at the bit, the intent of which he could
by no means divine, abruptly sidled against a brick wall, and
expressed his uneasiness by grinding Mr. Cymon Tuggs's leg on the
rough surface.  Mrs. Captain Waters's donkey, apparently under the
influence of some playfulness of spirit, rushed suddenly, head
first, into a hedge, and declined to come out again:  and the
quadruped on which Miss Tuggs was mounted, expressed his delight at
this humorous proceeding by firmly planting his fore-feet against
the ground, and kicking up his hind-legs in a very agile, but
somewhat alarming manner.

This abrupt termination to the rapidity of the ride, naturally
occasioned some confusion.  Both the ladies indulged in vehement
screaming for several minutes; and Mr. Cymon Tuggs, besides
sustaining intense bodily pain, had the additional mental anguish
of witnessing their distressing situation, without having the power
to rescue them, by reason of his leg being firmly screwed in
between the animal and the wall.  The efforts of the boys, however,
assisted by the ingenious expedient of twisting the tail of the
most rebellious donkey, restored order in a much shorter time than
could have reasonably been expected, and the little party jogged
slowly on together.

'Now let 'em walk,' said Mr. Cymon Tuggs.  'It's cruel to overdrive
'em.'

'Werry well, sir,' replied the boy, with a grin at his companion,
as if he understood Mr. Cymon to mean that the cruelty applied less
to the animals than to their riders.

'What a lovely day, dear!' said Charlotta.

'Charming; enchanting, dear!' responded Mrs. Captain Waters.

'What a beautiful prospect, Mr. Tuggs!'

Cymon looked full in Belinda's face, as he responded - 'Beautiful,
indeed!'  The lady cast down her eyes, and suffered the animal she
was riding to fall a little back.  Cymon Tuggs instinctively did
the same.

There was a brief silence, broken only by a sigh from Mr. Cymon
Tuggs.

'Mr. Cymon,' said the lady suddenly, in a low tone, 'Mr. Cymon - I
am another's.'

Mr. Cymon expressed his perfect concurrence in a statement which it
was impossible to controvert.

'If I had not been - ' resumed Belinda; and there she stopped.

'What - what?' said Mr. Cymon earnestly.  'Do not torture me.  What
would you say?'

'If I had not been' - continued Mrs. Captain Waters - 'if, in
earlier life, it had been my fate to have known, and been beloved
by, a noble youth - a kindred soul - a congenial spirit - one
capable of feeling and appreciating the sentiments which - '

'Heavens! what do I hear?' exclaimed Mr. Cymon Tuggs.  'Is it
possible! can I believe my - Come up!'  (This last unsentimental
parenthesis was addressed to the donkey, who, with his head between
his fore-legs, appeared to be examining the state of his shoes with
great anxiety.)

'Hi - hi - hi,' said the boys behind.  'Come up,' expostulated
Cymon Tuggs again.  'Hi - hi - hi,' repeated the boys.  And whether
it was that the animal felt indignant at the tone of Mr. Tuggs's
command, or felt alarmed by the noise of the deputy proprietor's
boots running behind him; or whether he burned with a noble
emulation to outstrip the other donkeys; certain it is that he no
sooner heard the second series of 'hi - hi's,' than he started
away, with a celerity of pace which jerked Mr. Cymon's hat off,
instantaneously, and carried him to the Pegwell Bay hotel in no
time, where he deposited his rider without giving him the trouble
of dismounting, by sagaciously pitching him over his head, into the
very doorway of the tavern.

Great was the confusion of Mr. Cymon Tuggs, when he was put right
end uppermost, by two waiters; considerable was the alarm of Mrs.
Tuggs in behalf of her son; agonizing were the apprehensions of
Mrs. Captain Waters on his account.  It was speedily discovered,
however, that he had not sustained much more injury than the donkey
- he was grazed, and the animal was grazing - and then it WAS a
delightful party to be sure!  Mr. and Mrs. Tuggs, and the captain,
had ordered lunch in the little garden behind:  - small saucers of
large shrimps, dabs of butter, crusty loaves, and bottled ale.  The
sky was without a cloud; there were flower-pots and turf before
them; the sea, from the foot of the cliff, stretching away as far
as the eye could discern anything at all; vessels in the distance
with sails as white, and as small, as nicely-got-up cambric
handkerchiefs.  The shrimps were delightful, the ale better, and
the captain even more pleasant than either.  Mrs. Captain Waters
was in SUCH spirits after lunch! - chasing, first the captain
across the turf, and among the flower-pots; and then Mr. Cymon
Tuggs; and then Miss Tuggs; and laughing, too, quite boisterously.
But as the captain said, it didn't matter; who knew what they were,
there?  For all the people of the house knew, they might be common
people.  To which Mr. Joseph Tuggs responded, 'To be sure.'  And
then they went down the steep wooden steps a little further on,
which led to the bottom of the cliff; and looked at the crabs, and
the seaweed, and the eels, till it was more than fully time to go
back to Ramsgate again.  Finally, Mr. Cymon Tuggs ascended the
steps last, and Mrs. Captain Waters last but one; and Mr. Cymon
Tuggs discovered that the foot and ankle of Mrs. Captain Waters,
were even more unexceptionable than he had at first supposed.

Taking a donkey towards his ordinary place of residence, is a very
different thing, and a feat much more easily to be accomplished,
than taking him from it.  It requires a great deal of foresight and
presence of mind in the one case, to anticipate the numerous
flights of his discursive imagination; whereas, in the other, all
you have to do, is, to hold on, and place a blind confidence in the
animal.  Mr. Cymon Tuggs adopted the latter expedient on his
return; and his nerves were so little discomposed by the journey,
that he distinctly understood they were all to meet again at the
library in the evening.

The library was crowded.  There were the same ladies, and the same
gentlemen, who had been on the sands in the morning, and on the
pier the day before.  There were young ladies, in maroon-coloured
gowns and black velvet bracelets, dispensing fancy articles in the
shop, and presiding over games of chance in the concert-room.
There were marriageable daughters, and marriage-making mammas,
gaming and promenading, and turning over music, and flirting.
There were some male beaux doing the sentimental in whispers, and
others doing the ferocious in moustache.  There were Mrs. Tuggs in
amber, Miss Tuggs in sky-blue, Mrs. Captain Waters in pink.  There
was Captain Waters in a braided surtout; there was Mr. Cymon Tuggs
in pumps and a gilt waistcoat; there was Mr. Joseph Tuggs in a blue
coat and a shirt-frill.

'Numbers three, eight, and eleven!' cried one of the young ladies
in the maroon-coloured gowns.

'Numbers three, eight, and eleven!' echoed another young lady in
the same uniform.

'Number three's gone,' said the first young lady.  'Numbers eight
and eleven!'

'Numbers eight and eleven!' echoed the second young lady.

'Number eight's gone, Mary Ann,' said the first young lady.

'Number eleven!' screamed the second.

'The numbers are all taken now, ladies, if you please,' said the
first.  The representatives of numbers three, eight, and eleven,
and the rest of the numbers, crowded round the table.

'Will you throw, ma'am?' said the presiding goddess, handing the
dice-box to the eldest daughter of a stout lady, with four girls.

There was a profound silence among the lookers-on.

'Throw, Jane, my dear,' said the stout lady.  An interesting
display of bashfulness - a little blushing in a cambric
handkerchief - a whispering to a younger sister.

'Amelia, my dear, throw for your sister,' said the stout lady; and
then she turned to a walking advertisement of Rowlands' Macassar
Oil, who stood next her, and said, 'Jane is so VERY modest and
retiring; but I can't be angry with her for it.  An artless and
unsophisticated girl is SO truly amiable, that I often wish Amelia
was more like her sister!'

The gentleman with the whiskers whispered his admiring approval.

'Now, my dear!' said the stout lady.  Miss Amelia threw - eight for
her sister, ten for herself.

'Nice figure, Amelia,' whispered the stout lady to a thin youth
beside her.

'Beautiful!'

'And SUCH a spirit!  I am like you in that respect.  I can NOT help
admiring that life and vivacity.  Ah! (a sigh) I wish I could make
poor Jane a little more like my dear Amelia!'

The young gentleman cordially acquiesced in the sentiment; both he,
and the individual first addressed, were perfectly contented.

'Who's this?' inquired Mr. Cymon Tuggs of Mrs. Captain Waters, as a
short female, in a blue velvet hat and feathers, was led into the
orchestra, by a fat man in black tights and cloudy Berlins.

'Mrs. Tippin, of the London theatres,' replied Belinda, referring
to the programme of the concert.

The talented Tippin having condescendingly acknowledged the
clapping of hands, and shouts of 'bravo!' which greeted her
appearance, proceeded to sing the popular cavatina of 'Bid me
discourse,' accompanied on the piano by Mr. Tippin; after which,
Mr. Tippin sang a comic song, accompanied on the piano by Mrs.
Tippin:  the applause consequent upon which, was only to be
exceeded by the enthusiastic approbation bestowed upon an air with
variations on the guitar, by Miss Tippin, accompanied on the chin
by Master Tippin.

Thus passed the evening; thus passed the days and evenings of the
Tuggses, and the Waterses, for six weeks.  Sands in the morning -
donkeys at noon - pier in the afternoon - library at night - and
the same people everywhere.

On that very night six weeks, the moon was shining brightly over
the calm sea, which dashed against the feet of the tall gaunt
cliffs, with just enough noise to lull the old fish to sleep,
without disturbing the young ones, when two figures were
discernible - or would have been, if anybody had looked for them -
seated on one of the wooden benches which are stationed near the
verge of the western cliff.  The moon had climbed higher into the
heavens, by two hours' journeying, since those figures first sat
down - and yet they had moved not.  The crowd of loungers had
thinned and dispersed; the noise of itinerant musicians had died
away; light after light had appeared in the windows of the
different houses in the distance; blockade-man after blockade-man
had passed the spot, wending his way towards his solitary post; and
yet those figures had remained stationary.  Some portions of the
two forms were in deep shadow, but the light of the moon fell
strongly on a puce-coloured boot and a glazed stock.  Mr. Cymon
Tuggs and Mrs. Captain Waters were seated on that bench.  They
spoke not, but were silently gazing on the sea.

'Walter will return to-morrow,' said Mrs. Captain Waters,
mournfully breaking silence.

Mr. Cymon Tuggs sighed like a gust of wind through a forest of
gooseberry bushes, as he replied, 'Alas! he will.'

'Oh, Cymon!' resumed Belinda, 'the chaste delight, the calm
happiness, of this one week of Platonic love, is too much for me!'
Cymon was about to suggest that it was too little for him, but he
stopped himself, and murmured unintelligibly.

'And to think that even this gleam of happiness, innocent as it
is,' exclaimed Belinda, 'is now to be lost for ever!'

'Oh, do not say for ever, Belinda,' exclaimed the excitable Cymon,
as two strongly-defined tears chased each other down his pale face
- it was so long that there was plenty of room for a chase.  'Do
not say for ever!'

'I must,' replied Belinda.

'Why?' urged Cymon, 'oh why?  Such Platonic acquaintance as ours is
so harmless, that even your husband can never object to it.'

'My husband!' exclaimed Belinda.  'You little know him.  Jealous
and revengeful; ferocious in his revenge - a maniac in his
jealousy!  Would you be assassinated before my eyes?'  Mr. Cymon
Tuggs, in a voice broken by emotion, expressed his disinclination
to undergo the process of assassination before the eyes of anybody.

'Then leave me,' said Mrs. Captain Waters.  'Leave me, this night,
for ever.  It is late:  let us return.'

Mr. Cymon Tuggs sadly offered the lady his arm, and escorted her to
her lodgings.  He paused at the door - he felt a Platonic pressure
of his hand.  'Good night,' he said, hesitating.

'Good night,' sobbed the lady.  Mr. Cymon Tuggs paused again.

'Won't you walk in, sir?' said the servant.  Mr. Tuggs hesitated.
Oh, that hesitation!  He DID walk in.

'Good night!' said Mr. Cymon Tuggs again, when he reached the
drawing-room.

'Good night!' replied Belinda; 'and, if at any period of my life, I
- Hush!'  The lady paused and stared with a steady gaze of horror,
on the ashy countenance of Mr. Cymon Tuggs.  There was a double
knock at the street-door.

'It is my husband!' said Belinda, as the captain's voice was heard
below.

'And my family!' added Cymon Tuggs, as the voices of his relatives
floated up the staircase.

'The curtain!  The curtain!' gasped Mrs. Captain Waters, pointing
to the window, before which some chintz hangings were closely
drawn.

'But I have done nothing wrong,' said the hesitating Cymon.

'The curtain!' reiterated the frantic lady:  'you will be
murdered.'  This last appeal to his feelings was irresistible.  The
dismayed Cymon concealed himself behind the curtain with pantomimic
suddenness.

Enter the captain, Joseph Tuggs, Mrs. Tuggs, and Charlotta.

'My dear,' said the captain, 'Lieutenant, Slaughter.'  Two iron-
shod boots and one gruff voice were heard by Mr. Cymon to advance,
and acknowledge the honour of the introduction.  The sabre of the
lieutenant rattled heavily upon the floor, as he seated himself at
the table.  Mr. Cymon's fears almost overcame his reason.

'The brandy, my dear!' said the captain.  Here was a situation!
They were going to make a night of it!  And Mr. Cymon Tuggs was
pent up behind the curtain and afraid to breathe!

'Slaughter,' said the captain, 'a cigar?'

Now, Mr. Cymon Tuggs never could smoke without feeling it
indispensably necessary to retire, immediately, and never could
smell smoke without a strong disposition to cough.  The cigars were
introduced; the captain was a professed smoker; so was the
lieutenant; so was Joseph Tuggs.  The apartment was small, the door
was closed, the smoke powerful:  it hung in heavy wreaths over the
room, and at length found its way behind the curtain.  Cymon Tuggs
held his nose, his mouth, his breath.  It was all of no use - out
came the cough.

'Bless my soul!' said the captain, 'I beg your pardon, Miss Tuggs.
You dislike smoking?'

'Oh, no; I don't indeed,' said Charlotta.

'It makes you cough.'

'Oh dear no.'

'You coughed just now.'

'Me, Captain Waters!  Lor! how can you say so?'

'Somebody coughed,' said the captain.

'I certainly thought so,' said Slaughter.  No; everybody denied it.

'Fancy,' said the captain.

'Must be,' echoed Slaughter.

Cigars resumed - more smoke - another cough - smothered, but
violent.

'Damned odd!' said the captain, staring about him.

'Sing'ler!' ejaculated the unconscious Mr. Joseph Tuggs.

Lieutenant Slaughter looked first at one person mysteriously, then
at another:  then, laid down his cigar, then approached the window
on tiptoe, and pointed with his right thumb over his shoulder, in
the direction of the curtain.

'Slaughter!' ejaculated the captain, rising from table, 'what do
you mean?'

The lieutenant, in reply, drew back the curtain and discovered Mr.
Cymon Tuggs behind it:  pallid with apprehension, and blue with
wanting to cough.

'Aha!' exclaimed the captain, furiously.  'What do I see?
Slaughter, your sabre!'

'Cymon!' screamed the Tuggses.

'Mercy!' said Belinda.

'Platonic!' gasped Cymon.

'Your sabre!' roared the captain:  'Slaughter - unhand me - the
villain's life!'

'Murder!' screamed the Tuggses.

'Hold him fast, sir!' faintly articulated Cymon.

'Water!' exclaimed Joseph Tuggs - and Mr. Cymon Tuggs and all the
ladies forthwith fainted away, and formed a tableau.

Most willingly would we conceal the disastrous termination of the
six weeks' acquaintance.  A troublesome form, and an arbitrary
custom, however, prescribe that a story should have a conclusion,
in addition to a commencement; we have therefore no alternative.
Lieutenant Slaughter brought a message - the captain brought an
action.  Mr. Joseph Tuggs interposed - the lieutenant negotiated.
When Mr. Cymon Tuggs recovered from the nervous disorder into which
misplaced affection, and exciting circumstances, had plunged him,
he found that his family had lost their pleasant acquaintance; that
his father was minus fifteen hundred pounds; and the captain plus
the precise sum.  The money was paid to hush the matter up, but it
got abroad notwithstanding; and there are not wanting some who
affirm that three designing impostors never found more easy dupes,
than did Captain Waters, Mrs. Waters, and Lieutenant Slaughter, in
the Tuggses at Ramsgate.



CHAPTER V - HORATIO SPARKINS



'Indeed, my love, he paid Teresa very great attention on the last
assembly night,' said Mrs. Malderton, addressing her spouse, who,
after the fatigues of the day in the City, was sitting with a silk
handkerchief over his head, and his feet on the fender, drinking
his port; - 'very great attention; and I say again, every possible
encouragement ought to be given him.  He positively must be asked
down here to dine.'

'Who must?' inquired Mr. Malderton.

'Why, you know whom I mean, my dear - the young man with the black
whiskers and the white cravat, who has just come out at our
assembly, and whom all the girls are talking about.  Young - dear
me! what's his name? - Marianne, what IS his name?' continued Mrs.
Malderton, addressing her youngest daughter, who was engaged in
netting a purse, and looking sentimental.

'Mr. Horatio Sparkins, ma,' replied Miss Marianne, with a sigh.

'Oh! yes, to be sure - Horatio Sparkins,' said Mrs. Malderton.
'Decidedly the most gentleman-like young man I ever saw.  I am sure
in the beautifully-made coat he wore the other night, he looked
like - like - '

'Like Prince Leopold, ma - so noble, so full of sentiment!'
suggested Marianne, in a tone of enthusiastic admiration.

'You should recollect, my dear,' resumed Mrs. Malderton, 'that
Teresa is now eight-and-twenty; and that it really is very
important that something should be done.'

Miss Teresa Malderton was a very little girl, rather fat, with
vermilion cheeks, but good-humoured, and still disengaged,
although, to do her justice, the misfortune arose from no lack of
perseverance on her part.  In vain had she flirted for ten years;
in vain had Mr. and Mrs. Malderton assiduously kept up an extensive
acquaintance among the young eligible bachelors of Camberwell, and
even of Wandsworth and Brixton; to say nothing of those who
'dropped in' from town.  Miss Malderton was as well known as the
lion on the top of Northumberland House, and had an equal chance of
'going off.'

'I am quite sure you'd like him,' continued Mrs. Malderton, 'he is
so gentlemanly!'

'So clever!' said Miss Marianne.

'And has such a flow of language!' added Miss Teresa.

'He has a great respect for you, my dear,' said Mrs. Malderton to
her husband.  Mr. Malderton coughed, and looked at the fire.

'Yes I'm sure he's very much attached to pa's society,' said Miss
Marianne.

'No doubt of it,' echoed Miss Teresa.

'Indeed, he said as much to me in confidence,' observed Mrs.
Malderton.

'Well, well,' returned Mr. Malderton, somewhat flattered; 'if I see
him at the assembly to-morrow, perhaps I'll ask him down.  I hope
he knows we live at Oak Lodge, Camberwell, my dear?'

'Of course - and that you keep a one-horse carriage.'

'I'll see about it,' said Mr. Malderton, composing himself for a
nap; 'I'll see about it.'

Mr. Malderton was a man whose whole scope of ideas was limited to
Lloyd's, the Exchange, the India House, and the Bank.  A few
successful speculations had raised him from a situation of
obscurity and comparative poverty, to a state of affluence.  As
frequently happens in such cases, the ideas of himself and his
family became elevated to an extraordinary pitch as their means
increased; they affected fashion, taste, and many other fooleries,
in imitation of their betters, and had a very decided and becoming
horror of anything which could, by possibility, be considered low.
He was hospitable from ostentation, illiberal from ignorance, and
prejudiced from conceit.  Egotism and the love of display induced
him to keep an excellent table:  convenience, and a love of good
things of this life, ensured him plenty of guests.  He liked to
have clever men, or what he considered such, at his table, because
it was a great thing to talk about; but he never could endure what
he called 'sharp fellows.'  Probably, he cherished this feeling out
of compliment to his two sons, who gave their respected parent no
uneasiness in that particular.  The family were ambitious of
forming acquaintances and connexions in some sphere of society
superior to that in which they themselves moved; and one of the
necessary consequences of this desire, added to their utter
ignorance of the world beyond their own small circle, was, that any
one who could lay claim to an acquaintance with people of rank and
title, had a sure passport to the table at Oak Lodge, Camberwell.

The appearance of Mr. Horatio Sparkins at the assembly, had excited
no small degree of surprise and curiosity among its regular
frequenters.  Who could he be?  He was evidently reserved, and
apparently melancholy.  Was he a clergyman? - He danced too well.
A barrister? - He said he was not called.  He used very fine words,
and talked a great deal.  Could he be a distinguished foreigner,
come to England for the purpose of describing the country, its
manners and customs; and frequenting public balls and public
dinners, with the view of becoming acquainted with high life,
polished etiquette, and English refinement? - No, he had not a
foreign accent.  Was he a surgeon, a contributor to the magazines,
a writer of fashionable novels, or an artist? - No; to each and all
of these surmises, there existed some valid objection. - 'Then,'
said everybody, 'he must be SOMEBODY.' - 'I should think he must
be,' reasoned Mr. Malderton, within himself, 'because he perceives
our superiority, and pays us so much attention.'

The night succeeding the conversation we have just recorded, was
'assembly night.'  The double-fly was ordered to be at the door of
Oak Lodge at nine o'clock precisely.  The Miss Maldertons were
dressed in sky-blue satin trimmed with artificial flowers; and Mrs.
M. (who was a little fat woman), in ditto ditto, looked like her
eldest daughter multiplied by two.  Mr. Frederick Malderton, the
eldest son, in full-dress costume, was the very BEAU IDEAL of a
smart waiter; and Mr. Thomas Malderton, the youngest, with his
white dress-stock, blue coat, bright buttons, and red watch-ribbon,
strongly resembled the portrait of that interesting, but rash young
gentleman, George Barnwell.  Every member of the party had made up
his or her mind to cultivate the acquaintance of Mr. Horatio
Sparkins.  Miss Teresa, of course, was to be as amiable and
interesting as ladies of eight-and-twenty on the look-out for a
husband, usually are.  Mrs. Malderton would be all smiles and
graces.  Miss Marianne would request the favour of some verses for
her album.  Mr. Malderton would patronise the great unknown by
asking him to dinner.  Tom intended to ascertain the extent of his
information on the interesting topics of snuff and cigars.  Even
Mr. Frederick Malderton himself, the family authority on all points
of taste, dress, and fashionable arrangement; who had lodgings of
his own in town; who had a free admission to Covent-garden theatre;
who always dressed according to the fashions of the months; who
went up the water twice a-week in the season; and who actually had
an intimate friend who once knew a gentleman who formerly lived in
the Albany, - even he had determined that Mr. Horatio Sparkins must
be a devilish good fellow, and that he would do him the honour of
challenging him to a game at billiards.

The first object that met the anxious eyes of the expectant family
on their entrance into the ball-room, was the interesting Horatio,
with his hair brushed off his forehead, and his eyes fixed on the
ceiling, reclining in a contemplative attitude on one of the seats.

'There he is, my dear,' whispered Mrs. Malderton to Mr. Malderton.

'How like Lord Byron!' murmured Miss Teresa.

'Or Montgomery!' whispered Miss Marianne.

'Or the portraits of Captain Cook!' suggested Tom.

'Tom - don't be an ass!' said his father, who checked him on all
occasions, probably with a view to prevent his becoming 'sharp' -
which was very unnecessary.

The elegant Sparkins attitudinised with admirable effect, until the
family had crossed the room.  He then started up, with the most
natural appearance of surprise and delight; accosted Mrs. Malderton
with the utmost cordiality; saluted the young ladies in the most
enchanting manner; bowed to, and shook hands with Mr. Malderton,
with a degree of respect amounting almost to veneration; and
returned the greetings of the two young men in a half-gratified,
half-patronising manner, which fully convinced them that he must be
an important, and, at the same time, condescending personage.

'Miss Malderton,' said Horatio, after the ordinary salutations, and
bowing very low, 'may I be permitted to presume to hope that you
will allow me to have the pleasure - '

'I don't THINK I am engaged,' said Miss Teresa, with a dreadful
affectation of indifference - 'but, really - so many - '

Horatio looked handsomely miserable.

'I shall be most happy,' simpered the interesting Teresa, at last.
Horatio's countenance brightened up, like an old hat in a shower of
rain.

'A very genteel young man, certainly!' said the gratified Mr.
Malderton, as the obsequious Sparkins and his partner joined the
quadrille which was just forming.

'He has a remarkably good address,' said Mr. Frederick.

'Yes, he is a prime fellow,' interposed Tom, who always managed to
put his foot in it - 'he talks just like an auctioneer.'

'Tom!' said his father solemnly, 'I think I desired you, before,
not to be a fool.'  Tom looked as happy as a cock on a drizzly
morning.

'How delightful!' said the interesting Horatio to his partner, as
they promenaded the room at the conclusion of the set - 'how
delightful, how refreshing it is, to retire from the cloudy storms,
the vicissitudes, and the troubles, of life, even if it be but for
a few short fleeting moments:  and to spend those moments, fading
and evanescent though they be, in the delightful, the blessed
society of one individual - whose frowns would be death, whose
coldness would be madness, whose falsehood would be ruin, whose
constancy would be bliss; the possession of whose affection would
be the brightest and best reward that Heaven could bestow on man?'

'What feeling! what sentiment!' thought Miss Teresa, as she leaned
more heavily on her companion's arm.

'But enough - enough!' resumed the elegant Sparkins, with a
theatrical air.  'What have I said? what have I - I - to do with
sentiments like these!  Miss Malderton' - here he stopped short -
'may I hope to be permitted to offer the humble tribute of - '

'Really, Mr. Sparkins,' returned the enraptured Teresa, blushing in
the sweetest confusion, 'I must refer you to papa.  I never can,
without his consent, venture to - '

'Surely he cannot object - '

'Oh, yes.  Indeed, indeed, you know him not!' interrupted Miss
Teresa, well knowing there was nothing to fear, but wishing to make
the interview resemble a scene in some romantic novel.

'He cannot object to my offering you a glass of negus,' returned
the adorable Sparkins, with some surprise.

'Is that all?' thought the disappointed Teresa.  'What a fuss about
nothing!'

'It will give me the greatest pleasure, sir, to see you to dinner
at Oak Lodge, Camberwell, on Sunday next at five o'clock, if you
have no better engagement,' said Mr. Malderton, at the conclusion
of the evening, as he and his sons were standing in conversation
with Mr. Horatio Sparkins.

Horatio bowed his acknowledgments, and accepted the flattering
invitation.

'I must confess,' continued the father, offering his snuff-box to
his new acquaintance, 'that I don't enjoy these assemblies half so
much as the comfort - I had almost said the luxury - of Oak Lodge.
They have no great charms for an elderly man.'

'And after all, sir, what is man?' said the metaphysical Sparkins.
'I say, what is man?'

'Ah! very true,' said Mr. Malderton; 'very true.'

'We know that we live and breathe,' continued Horatio; 'that we
have wants and wishes, desires and appetites - '

'Certainly,' said Mr. Frederick Malderton, looking profound.

'I say, we know that we exist,' repeated Horatio, raising his
voice, 'but there we stop; there, is an end to our knowledge;
there, is the summit of our attainments; there, is the termination
of our ends.  What more do we know?'

'Nothing,' replied Mr. Frederick - than whom no one was more
capable of answering for himself in that particular.  Tom was about
to hazard something, but, fortunately for his reputation, he caught
his father's angry eye, and slunk off like a puppy convicted of
petty larceny.

'Upon my word,' said Mr. Malderton the elder, as they were
returning home in the fly, 'that Mr. Sparkins is a wonderful young
man.  Such surprising knowledge! such extraordinary information!
and such a splendid mode of expressing himself!'

'I think he must be somebody in disguise,' said Miss Marianne.
'How charmingly romantic!'

'He talks very loud and nicely,' timidly observed Tom, 'but I don't
exactly understand what he means.'

'I almost begin to despair of your understanding anything, Tom,'
said his father, who, of course, had been much enlightened by Mr.
Horatio Sparkins's conversation.

'It strikes me, Tom,' said Miss Teresa, 'that you have made
yourself very ridiculous this evening.'

'No doubt of it,' cried everybody - and the unfortunate Tom reduced
himself into the least possible space.  That night, Mr. and Mrs.
Malderton had a long conversation respecting their daughter's
prospects and future arrangements.  Miss Teresa went to bed,
considering whether, in the event of her marrying a title, she
could conscientiously encourage the visits of her present
associates; and dreamed, all night, of disguised noblemen, large
routs, ostrich plumes, bridal favours, and Horatio Sparkins.

Various surmises were hazarded on the Sunday morning, as to the
mode of conveyance which the anxiously-expected Horatio would
adopt.  Did he keep a gig? - was it possible he could come on
horseback? - or would he patronize the stage?  These, and other
various conjectures of equal importance, engrossed the attention of
Mrs. Malderton and her daughters during the whole morning after
church.

'Upon my word, my dear, it's a most annoying thing that that vulgar
brother of yours should have invited himself to dine here to-day,'
said Mr. Malderton to his wife.  'On account of Mr. Sparkins's
coming down, I purposely abstained from asking any one but
Flamwell.  And then to think of your brother - a tradesman - it's
insufferable!  I declare I wouldn't have him mention his shop,
before our new guest - no, not for a thousand pounds!  I wouldn't
care if he had the good sense to conceal the disgrace he is to the
family; but he's so fond of his horrible business, that he WILL let
people know what he is.'

Mr. Jacob Barton, the individual alluded to, was a large grocer; so
vulgar, and so lost to all sense of feeling, that he actually never
scrupled to avow that he wasn't above his business:  'he'd made his
money by it, and he didn't care who know'd it.'

'Ah! Flamwell, my dear fellow, how d'ye do?' said Mr. Malderton, as
a little spoffish man, with green spectacles, entered the room.
'You got my note?'

'Yes, I did; and here I am in consequence.'

'You don't happen to know this Mr. Sparkins by name?  You know
everybody?'

Mr. Flamwell was one of those gentlemen of remarkably extensive
information whom one occasionally meets in society, who pretend to
know everybody, but in reality know nobody.  At Malderton's, where
any stories about great people were received with a greedy ear, he
was an especial favourite; and, knowing the kind of people he had
to deal with, he carried his passion of claiming acquaintance with
everybody, to the most immoderate length.  He had rather a singular
way of telling his greatest lies in a parenthesis, and with an air
of self-denial, as if he feared being thought egotistical.

'Why, no, I don't know him by that name,' returned Flamwell, in a
low tone, and with an air of immense importance.  'I have no doubt
I know him, though.  Is he tall?'

'Middle-sized,' said Miss Teresa.

'With black hair?' inquired Flamwell, hazarding a bold guess.

'Yes,' returned Miss Teresa, eagerly.

'Rather a snub nose?'

'No,' said the disappointed Teresa, 'he has a Roman nose.'

'I said a Roman nose, didn't I?' inquired Flamwell.  'He's an
elegant young man?'

'Oh, certainly.'

'With remarkably prepossessing manners?'

'Oh, yes!' said all the family together.  'You must know him.'

'Yes, I thought you knew him, if he was anybody,' triumphantly
exclaimed Mr. Malderton.  'Who d'ye think he is?'

'Why, from your description,' said Flamwell, ruminating, and
sinking his voice, almost to a whisper, 'he bears a strong
resemblance to the Honourable Augustus Fitz-Edward Fitz-John Fitz-
Osborne.  He's a very talented young man, and rather eccentric.
It's extremely probable he may have changed his name for some
temporary purpose.'

Teresa's heart beat high.  Could he be the Honourable Augustus
Fitz-Edward Fitz-John Fitz-Osborne!  What a name to be elegantly
engraved upon two glazed cards, tied together with a piece of white
satin ribbon!  'The Honourable Mrs. Augustus Fitz-Edward Fitz-John
Fitz-Osborne!'  The thought was transport.

'It's five minutes to five,' said Mr. Malderton, looking at his
watch:  'I hope he's not going to disappoint us.'

'There he is!' exclaimed Miss Teresa, as a loud double-knock was
heard at the door.  Everybody endeavoured to look - as people when
they particularly expect a visitor always do - as if they were
perfectly unsuspicious of the approach of anybody.

The room-door opened - 'Mr. Barton!' said the servant.

'Confound the man!' murmured Malderton.  'Ah! my dear sir, how d'ye
do!  Any news?'

'Why no,' returned the grocer, in his usual bluff manner.  'No,
none partickler.  None that I am much aware of.  How d'ye do, gals
and boys?  Mr. Flamwell, sir - glad to see you.'

'Here's Mr. Sparkins!' said Tom, who had been looking out at the
window, 'on SUCH a black horse!'  There was Horatio, sure enough,
on a large black horse, curvetting and prancing along, like an
Astley's supernumerary.  After a great deal of reining in, and
pulling up, with the accompaniments of snorting, rearing, and
kicking, the animal consented to stop at about a hundred yards from
the gate, where Mr. Sparkins dismounted, and confided him to the
care of Mr. Malderton's groom.  The ceremony of introduction was
gone through, in all due form.  Mr. Flamwell looked from behind his
green spectacles at Horatio with an air of mysterious importance;
and the gallant Horatio looked unutterable things at Teresa.

'Is he the Honourable Mr. Augustus What's-his-name?' whispered Mrs.
Malderton to Flamwell, as he was escorting her to the dining-room.

'Why, no - at least not exactly,' returned that great authority -
'not exactly.'

'Who IS he then?'

'Hush!' said Flamwell, nodding his head with a grave air, importing
that he knew very well; but was prevented, by some grave reasons of
state, from disclosing the important secret.  It might be one of
the ministers making himself acquainted with the views of the
people.

'Mr. Sparkins,' said the delighted Mrs. Malderton, 'pray divide the
ladies.  John, put a chair for the gentleman between Miss Teresa
and Miss Marianne.'  This was addressed to a man who, on ordinary
occasions, acted as half-groom, half-gardener; but who, as it was
important to make an impression on Mr. Sparkins, had been forced
into a white neckerchief and shoes, and touched up, and brushed, to
look like a second footman.

The dinner was excellent; Horatio was most attentive to Miss
Teresa, and every one felt in high spirits, except Mr. Malderton,
who, knowing the propensity of his brother-in-law, Mr. Barton,
endured that sort of agony which the newspapers inform us is
experienced by the surrounding neighbourhood when a pot-boy hangs
himself in a hay-loft, and which is 'much easier to be imagined
than described.'

'Have you seen your friend, Sir Thomas Noland, lately, Flamwell?'
inquired Mr. Malderton, casting a sidelong look at Horatio, to see
what effect the mention of so great a man had upon him.

'Why, no - not very lately.  I saw Lord Gubbleton the day before
yesterday.'

'All!  I hope his lordship is very well?' said Malderton, in a tone
of the greatest interest.  It is scarcely necessary to say that,
until that moment, he had been quite innocent of the existence of
such a person.

'Why, yes; he was very well - very well indeed.  He's a devilish
good fellow.  I met him in the City, and had a long chat with him.
Indeed, I'm rather intimate with him.  I couldn't stop to talk to
him as long as I could wish, though, because I was on my way to a
banker's, a very rich man, and a member of Parliament, with whom I
am also rather, indeed I may say very, intimate.'

'I know whom you mean,' returned the host, consequentially - in
reality knowing as much about the matter as Flamwell himself. - 'He
has a capital business.'

This was touching on a dangerous topic.

'Talking of business,' interposed Mr. Barton, from the centre of
the table.  'A gentleman whom you knew very well, Malderton, before
you made that first lucky spec of yours, called at our shop the
other day, and - '

'Barton, may I trouble you for a potato?' interrupted the wretched
master of the house, hoping to nip the story in the bud.

'Certainly,' returned the grocer, quite insensible of his brother-
in-law's object - 'and he said in a very plain manner - '

'FLOURY, if you please,' interrupted Malderton again; dreading the
termination of the anecdote, and fearing a repetition of the word
'shop.'

'He said, says he,' continued the culprit, after despatching the
potato; 'says he, how goes on your business?  So I said, jokingly -
you know my way - says I, I'm never above my business, and I hope
my business will never be above me.  Ha, ha!'

'Mr. Sparkins,' said the host, vainly endeavouring to conceal his
dismay, 'a glass of wine?'

'With the utmost pleasure, sir.'

'Happy to see you.'

'Thank you.'

'We were talking the other evening,' resumed the host, addressing
Horatio, partly with the view of displaying the conversational
powers of his new acquaintance, and partly in the hope of drowning
the grocer's stories - 'we were talking the other night about the
nature of man.  Your argument struck me very forcibly.'

'And me,' said Mr. Frederick.  Horatio made a graceful inclination
of the head.

'Pray, what is your opinion of woman, Mr. Sparkins?' inquired Mrs.
Malderton.  The young ladies simpered.

'Man,' replied Horatio, 'man, whether he ranged the bright, gay,
flowery plains of a second Eden, or the more sterile, barren, and I
may say, commonplace regions, to which we are compelled to accustom
ourselves, in times such as these; man, under any circumstances, or
in any place - whether he were bending beneath the withering blasts
of the frigid zone, or scorching under the rays of a vertical sun -
man, without woman, would be - alone.'

'I am very happy to find you entertain such honourable opinions,
Mr. Sparkins,' said Mrs. Malderton.

'And I,' added Miss Teresa.  Horatio looked his delight, and the
young lady blushed.

'Now, it's my opinion - ' said Mr. Barton.

'I know what you're going to say,' interposed Malderton, determined
not to give his relation another opportunity, 'and I don't agree
with you.'

'What!' inquired the astonished grocer.

'I am sorry to differ from you, Barton,' said the host, in as
positive a manner as if he really were contradicting a position
which the other had laid down, 'but I cannot give my assent to what
I consider a very monstrous proposition.'

'But I meant to say - '

'You never can convince me,' said Malderton, with an air of
obstinate determination.  'Never.'

'And I,' said Mr. Frederick, following up his father's attack,
'cannot entirely agree in Mr. Sparkins's argument.'

'What!' said Horatio, who became more metaphysical, and more
argumentative, as he saw the female part of the family listening in
wondering delight - 'what!  Is effect the consequence of cause?  Is
cause the precursor of effect?'

'That's the point,' said Flamwell.

'To be sure,' said Mr. Malderton.

'Because, if effect is the consequence of cause, and if cause does
precede effect, I apprehend you are wrong,' added Horatio.

'Decidedly,' said the toad-eating Flamwell.

'At least, I apprehend that to be the just and logical deduction?'
said Sparkins, in a tone of interrogation.

'No doubt of it,' chimed in Flamwell again.  'It settles the
point.'

'Well, perhaps it does,' said Mr. Frederick; 'I didn't see it
before.'

'I don't exactly see it now,' thought the grocer; 'but I suppose
it's all right.'

'How wonderfully clever he is!' whispered Mrs. Malderton to her
daughters, as they retired to the drawing-room.

'Oh, he's quite a love!' said both the young ladies together; 'he
talks like an oracle.  He must have seen a great deal of life.'

The gentlemen being left to themselves, a pause ensued, during
which everybody looked very grave, as if they were quite overcome
by the profound nature of the previous discussion.  Flamwell, who
had made up his mind to find out who and what Mr. Horatio Sparkins
really was, first broke silence.

'Excuse me, sir,' said that distinguished personage, 'I presume you
have studied for the bar?  I thought of entering once, myself -
indeed, I'm rather intimate with some of the highest ornaments of
that distinguished profession.'

'N-no!' said Horatio, with a little hesitation; 'not exactly.'

'But you have been much among the silk gowns, or I mistake?'
inquired Flamwell, deferentially.

'Nearly all my life,' returned Sparkins.

The question was thus pretty well settled in the mind of Mr.
Flamwell.  He was a young gentleman 'about to be called.'

'I shouldn't like to be a barrister,' said Tom, speaking for the
first time, and looking round the table to find somebody who would
notice the remark.

No one made any reply.

'I shouldn't like to wear a wig,' said Tom, hazarding another
observation.

'Tom, I beg you will not make yourself ridiculous,' said his
father.  'Pray listen, and improve yourself by the conversation you
hear, and don't be constantly making these absurd remarks.'

'Very well, father,' replied the unfortunate Tom, who had not
spoken a word since he had asked for another slice of beef at a
quarter-past five o'clock, P.M., and it was then eight.

'Well, Tom,' observed his good-natured uncle, 'never mind!  I think
with you.  I shouldn't like to wear a wig.  I'd rather wear an
apron.'

Mr. Malderton coughed violently.  Mr. Barton resumed - 'For if a
man's above his business - '

The cough returned with tenfold violence, and did not cease until
the unfortunate cause of it, in his alarm, had quite forgotten what
he intended to say.

'Mr. Sparkins,' said Flamwell, returning to the charge, 'do you
happen to know Mr. Delafontaine, of Bedford-square?'

'I have exchanged cards with him; since which, indeed, I have had
an opportunity of serving him considerably,' replied Horatio,
slightly colouring; no doubt, at having been betrayed into making
the acknowledgment.

'You are very lucky, if you have had an opportunity of obliging
that great man,' observed Flamwell, with an air of profound
respect.

'I don't know who he is,' he whispered to Mr. Malderton,
confidentially, as they followed Horatio up to the drawing-room.
'It's quite clear, however, that he belongs to the law, and that he
is somebody of great importance, and very highly connected.'

'No doubt, no doubt,' returned his companion.

The remainder of the evening passed away most delightfully.  Mr.
Malderton, relieved from his apprehensions by the circumstance of
Mr. Barton's falling into a profound sleep, was as affable and
gracious as possible.  Miss Teresa played the 'Fall of Paris,' as
Mr. Sparkins declared, in a most masterly manner, and both of them,
assisted by Mr. Frederick, tried over glees and trios without
number; they having made the pleasing discovery that their voices
harmonised beautifully.  To be sure, they all sang the first part;
and Horatio, in addition to the slight drawback of having no ear,
was perfectly innocent of knowing a note of music; still, they
passed the time very agreeably, and it was past twelve o'clock
before Mr. Sparkins ordered the mourning-coach-looking steed to be
brought out - an order which was only complied with, on the
distinct understanding that he was to repeat his visit on the
following Sunday.

'But, perhaps, Mr. Sparkins will form one of our party to-morrow
evening?' suggested Mrs. M.  'Mr. Malderton intends taking the
girls to see the pantomime.'  Mr. Sparkins bowed, and promised to
join the party in box 48, in the course of the evening.

'We will not tax you for the morning,' said Miss Teresa,
bewitchingly; 'for ma is going to take us to all sorts of places,
shopping.  I know that gentlemen have a great horror of that
employment.'  Mr. Sparkins bowed again, and declared that he should
be delighted, but business of importance occupied him in the
morning.  Flamwell looked at Malderton significantly. - 'It's term
time!' he whispered.

At twelve o'clock on the following morning, the 'fly' was at the
door of Oak Lodge, to convey Mrs. Malderton and her daughters on
their expedition for the day.  They were to dine and dress for the
play at a friend's house.  First, driving thither with their band-
boxes, they departed on their first errand to make some purchases
at Messrs. Jones, Spruggins, and Smith's, of Tottenham-court-road;
after which, they were to go to Redmayne's in Bond-street; thence,
to innumerable places that no one ever heard of.  The young ladies
beguiled the tediousness of the ride by eulogising Mr. Horatio
Sparkins, scolding their mamma for taking them so far to save a
shilling, and wondering whether they should ever reach their
destination.  At length, the vehicle stopped before a dirty-looking
ticketed linen-draper's shop, with goods of all kinds, and labels
of all sorts and sizes, in the window.  There were dropsical
figures of seven with a little three-farthings in the corner;
'perfectly invisible to the naked eye;' three hundred and fifty
thousand ladies' boas, FROM one shilling and a penny halfpenny;
real French kid shoes, at two and ninepence per pair; green
parasols, at an equally cheap rate; and 'every description of
goods,' as the proprietors said - and they must know best - 'fifty
per cent. under cost price.'

'Lor! ma, what a place you have brought us to!' said Miss Teresa;
'what WOULD Mr. Sparkins say if he could see us!'

'Ah! what, indeed!' said Miss Marianne, horrified at the idea.

'Pray be seated, ladies.  What is the first article?' inquired the
obsequious master of the ceremonies of the establishment, who, in
his large white neckcloth and formal tie, looked like a bad
'portrait of a gentleman' in the Somerset-house exhibition.

'I want to see some silks,' answered Mrs. Malderton.

'Directly, ma'am. - Mr. Smith!  Where IS Mr. Smith?'

'Here, sir,' cried a voice at the back of the shop.

'Pray make haste, Mr. Smith,' said the M.C.  'You never are to be
found when you're wanted, sir.'

Mr. Smith, thus enjoined to use all possible despatch, leaped over
the counter with great agility, and placed himself before the
newly-arrived customers.  Mrs. Malderton uttered a faint scream;
Miss Teresa, who had been stooping down to talk to her sister,
raised her head, and beheld - Horatio Sparkins!

'We will draw a veil,' as novel-writers say, over the scene that
ensued.  The mysterious, philosophical, romantic, metaphysical
Sparkins - he who, to the interesting Teresa, seemed like the
embodied idea of the young dukes and poetical exquisites in blue
silk dressing-gowns, and ditto ditto slippers, of whom she had read
and dreamed, but had never expected to behold, was suddenly
converted into Mr. Samuel Smith, the assistant at a 'cheap shop;'
the junior partner in a slippery firm of some three weeks'
existence.  The dignified evanishment of the hero of Oak Lodge, on
this unexpected recognition, could only be equalled by that of a
furtive dog with a considerable kettle at his tail.  All the hopes
of the Maldertons were destined at once to melt away, like the
lemon ices at a Company's dinner; Almack's was still to them as
distant as the North Pole; and Miss Teresa had as much chance of a
husband as Captain Ross had of the north-west passage.

Years have elapsed since the occurrence of this dreadful morning.
The daisies have thrice bloomed on Camberwell-green; the sparrows
have thrice repeated their vernal chirps in Camberwell-grove; but
the Miss Maldertons are still unmated.  Miss Teresa's case is more
desperate than ever; but Flamwell is yet in the zenith of his
reputation; and the family have the same predilection for
aristocratic personages, with an increased aversion to anything
LOW.



CHAPTER VI - THE BLACK VEIL



One winter's evening, towards the close of the year 1800, or within
a year or two of that time, a young medical practitioner, recently
established in business, was seated by a cheerful fire in his
little parlour, listening to the wind which was beating the rain in
pattering drops against the window, or rumbling dismally in the
chimney.  The night was wet and cold; he had been walking through
mud and water the whole day, and was now comfortably reposing in
his dressing-gown and slippers, more than half asleep and less than
half awake, revolving a thousand matters in his wandering
imagination.  First, he thought how hard the wind was blowing, and
how the cold, sharp rain would be at that moment beating in his
face, if he were not comfortably housed at home.  Then, his mind
reverted to his annual Christmas visit to his native place and
dearest friends; he thought how glad they would all be to see him,
and how happy it would make Rose if he could only tell her that he
had found a patient at last, and hoped to have more, and to come
down again, in a few months' time, and marry her, and take her home
to gladden his lonely fireside, and stimulate him to fresh
exertions.  Then, he began to wonder when his first patient would
appear, or whether he was destined, by a special dispensation of
Providence, never to have any patients at all; and then, he thought
about Rose again, and dropped to sleep and dreamed about her, till
the tones of her sweet merry voice sounded in his ears, and her
soft tiny hand rested on his shoulder.

There WAS a hand upon his shoulder, but it was neither soft nor
tiny; its owner being a corpulent round-headed boy, who, in
consideration of the sum of one shilling per week and his food, was
let out by the parish to carry medicine and messages.  As there was
no demand for the medicine, however, and no necessity for the
messages, he usually occupied his unemployed hours - averaging
fourteen a day - in abstracting peppermint drops, taking animal
nourishment, and going to sleep.

'A lady, sir - a lady!' whispered the boy, rousing his master with
a shake.

'What lady?' cried our friend, starting up, not quite certain that
his dream was an illusion, and half expecting that it might be Rose
herself. - 'What lady?  Where?'

'THERE, sir!' replied the boy, pointing to the glass door leading
into the surgery, with an expression of alarm which the very
unusual apparition of a customer might have tended to excite.

The surgeon looked towards the door, and started himself, for an
instant, on beholding the appearance of his unlooked-for visitor.

It was a singularly tall woman, dressed in deep mourning, and
standing so close to the door that her face almost touched the
glass.  The upper part of her figure was carefully muffled in a
black shawl, as if for the purpose of concealment; and her face was
shrouded by a thick black veil.  She stood perfectly erect, her
figure was drawn up to its full height, and though the surgeon felt
that the eyes beneath the veil were fixed on him, she stood
perfectly motionless, and evinced, by no gesture whatever, the
slightest consciousness of his having turned towards her.

'Do you wish to consult me?' he inquired, with some hesitation,
holding open the door.  It opened inwards, and therefore the action
did not alter the position of the figure, which still remained
motionless on the same spot.

She slightly inclined her head, in token of acquiescence.

'Pray walk in,' said the surgeon.

The figure moved a step forward; and then, turning its head in the
direction of the boy - to his infinite horror - appeared to
hesitate.

'Leave the room, Tom,' said the young man, addressing the boy,
whose large round eyes had been extended to their utmost width
during this brief interview.  'Draw the curtain, and shut the
door.'

The boy drew a green curtain across the glass part of the door,
retired into the surgery, closed the door after him, and
immediately applied one of his large eyes to the keyhole on the
other side.

The surgeon drew a chair to the fire, and motioned the visitor to a
seat.  The mysterious figure slowly moved towards it.  As the blaze
shone upon the black dress, the surgeon observed that the bottom of
it was saturated with mud and rain.

'You are very wet,' be said.

'I am,' said the stranger, in a low deep voice.

'And you are ill?' added the surgeon, compassionately, for the tone
was that of a person in pain.

'I am,' was the reply - 'very ill; not bodily, but mentally.  It is
not for myself, or on my own behalf,' continued the stranger, 'that
I come to you.  If I laboured under bodily disease, I should not be
out, alone, at such an hour, or on such a night as this; and if I
were afflicted with it, twenty-four hours hence, God knows how
gladly I would lie down and pray to die.  It is for another that I
beseech your aid, sir.  I may be mad to ask it for him - I think I
am; but, night after night, through the long dreary hours of
watching and weeping, the thought has been ever present to my mind;
and though even I see the hopelessness of human assistance availing
him, the bare thought of laying him in his grave without it makes
my blood run cold!'  And a shudder, such as the surgeon well knew
art could not produce, trembled through the speaker's frame.

There was a desperate earnestness in this woman's manner, that went
to the young man's heart.  He was young in his profession, and had
not yet witnessed enough of the miseries which are daily presented
before the eyes of its members, to have grown comparatively callous
to human suffering.

'If,' he said, rising hastily, 'the person of whom you speak, be in
so hopeless a condition as you describe, not a moment is to be
lost.  I will go with you instantly.  Why did you not obtain
medical advice before?'

'Because it would have been useless before - because it is useless
even now,' replied the woman, clasping her hands passionately.

The surgeon gazed, for a moment, on the black veil, as if to
ascertain the expression of the features beneath it:  its
thickness, however, rendered such a result impossible.

'You ARE ill,' he said, gently, 'although you do not know it.  The
fever which has enabled you to bear, without feeling it, the
fatigue you have evidently undergone, is burning within you now.
Put that to your lips,' he continued, pouring out a glass of water
- 'compose yourself for a few moments, and then tell me, as calmly
as you can, what the disease of the patient is, and how long he has
been ill.  When I know what it is necessary I should know, to
render my visit serviceable to him, I am ready to accompany you.'

The stranger lifted the glass of water to her mouth, without
raising the veil; put it down again untasted; and burst into tears.

'I know,' she said, sobbing aloud, 'that what I say to you now,
seems like the ravings of fever.  I have been told so before, less
kindly than by you.  I am not a young woman; and they do say, that
as life steals on towards its final close, the last short remnant,
worthless as it may seem to all beside, is dearer to its possessor
than all the years that have gone before, connected though they be
with the recollection of old friends long since dead, and young
ones - children perhaps - who have fallen off from, and forgotten
one as completely as if they had died too.  My natural term of life
cannot be many years longer, and should be dear on that account;
but I would lay it down without a sigh - with cheerfulness - with
joy - if what I tell you now, were only false, or imaginary.  To-
morrow morning he of whom I speak will be, I KNOW, though I would
fain think otherwise, beyond the reach of human aid; and yet, to-
night, though he is in deadly peril, you must not see, and could
not serve, him.'

'I am unwilling to increase your distress,' said the surgeon, after
a short pause, 'by making any comment on what you have just said,
or appearing desirous to investigate a subject you are so anxious
to conceal; but there is an inconsistency in your statement which I
cannot reconcile with probability.  This person is dying to-night,
and I cannot see him when my assistance might possibly avail; you
apprehend it will be useless to-morrow, and yet you would have me
see him then!  If he be, indeed, as dear to you, as your words and
manner would imply, why not try to save his life before delay and
the progress of his disease render it impracticable?'

'God help me!' exclaimed the woman, weeping bitterly, 'how can I
hope strangers will believe what appears incredible, even to
myself?  You will NOT see him then, sir?' she added, rising
suddenly.

'I did not say that I declined to see him,' replied the surgeon;
'but I warn you, that if you persist in this extraordinary
procrastination, and the individual dies, a fearful responsibility
rests with you.'

'The responsibility will rest heavily somewhere,' replied the
stranger bitterly.  'Whatever responsibility rests with me, I am
content to bear, and ready to answer.'

'As I incur none,' continued the surgeon, 'by acceding to your
request, I will see him in the morning, if you leave me the
address.  At what hour can he be seen?'

'NINE,' replied the stranger.

'You must excuse my pressing these inquiries,' said the surgeon.
'But is he in your charge now?'

'He is not,' was the rejoinder.

'Then, if I gave you instructions for his treatment through the
night, you could not assist him?'

The woman wept bitterly, as she replied, 'I could not.'

Finding that there was but little prospect of obtaining more
information by prolonging the interview; and anxious to spare the
woman's feelings, which, subdued at first by a violent effort, were
now irrepressible and most painful to witness; the surgeon repeated
his promise of calling in the morning at the appointed hour.  His
visitor, after giving him a direction to an obscure part of
Walworth, left the house in the same mysterious manner in which she
had entered it.

It will be readily believed that so extraordinary a visit produced
a considerable impression on the mind of the young surgeon; and
that he speculated a great deal and to very little purpose on the
possible circumstances of the case.  In common with the generality
of people, he had often heard and read of singular instances, in
which a presentiment of death, at a particular day, or even minute,
had been entertained and realised.  At one moment he was inclined
to think that the present might be such a case; but, then, it
occurred to him that all the anecdotes of the kind he had ever
heard, were of persons who had been troubled with a foreboding of
their own death.  This woman, however, spoke of another person - a
man; and it was impossible to suppose that a mere dream or delusion
of fancy would induce her to speak of his approaching dissolution
with such terrible certainty as she had spoken.  It could not be
that the man was to be murdered in the morning, and that the woman,
originally a consenting party, and bound to secrecy by an oath, had
relented, and, though unable to prevent the commission of some
outrage on the victim, had determined to prevent his death if
possible, by the timely interposition of medical aid?  The idea of
such things happening within two miles of the metropolis appeared
too wild and preposterous to be entertained beyond the instant.
Then, his original impression that the woman's intellects were
disordered, recurred; and, as it was the only mode of solving the
difficulty with any degree of satisfaction, he obstinately made up
his mind to believe that she was mad.  Certain misgivings upon this
point, however, stole upon his thoughts at the time, and presented
themselves again and again through the long dull course of a
sleepless night; during which, in spite of all his efforts to the
contrary, he was unable to banish the black veil from his disturbed
imagination.

The back part of Walworth, at its greatest distance from town, is a
straggling miserable place enough, even in these days; but, five-
and-thirty years ago, the greater portion of it was little better
than a dreary waste, inhabited by a few scattered people of
questionable character, whose poverty prevented their living in any
better neighbourhood, or whose pursuits and mode of life rendered
its solitude desirable.  Very many of the houses which have since
sprung up on all sides, were not built until some years afterwards;
and the great majority even of those which were sprinkled about, at
irregular intervals, were of the rudest and most miserable
description.

The appearance of the place through which he walked in the morning,
was not calculated to raise the spirits of the young surgeon, or to
dispel any feeling of anxiety or depression which the singular kind
of visit he was about to make, had awakened.  Striking off from the
high road, his way lay across a marshy common, through irregular
lanes, with here and there a ruinous and dismantled cottage fast
falling to pieces with decay and neglect.  A stunted tree, or pool
of stagnant water, roused into a sluggish action by the heavy rain
of the preceding night, skirted the path occasionally; and, now and
then, a miserable patch of garden-ground, with a few old boards
knocked together for a summer-house, and old palings imperfectly
mended with stakes pilfered from the neighbouring hedges, bore
testimony, at once to the poverty of the inhabitants, and the
little scruple they entertained in appropriating the property of
other people to their own use.  Occasionally, a filthy-looking
woman would make her appearance from the door of a dirty house, to
empty the contents of some cooking utensil into the gutter in
front, or to scream after a little slip-shod girl, who had
contrived to stagger a few yards from the door under the weight of
a sallow infant almost as big as herself; but, scarcely anything
was stirring around:  and so much of the prospect as could be
faintly traced through the cold damp mist which hung heavily over
it, presented a lonely and dreary appearance perfectly in keeping
with the objects we have described.

After plodding wearily through the mud and mire; making many
inquiries for the place to which he had been directed; and
receiving as many contradictory and unsatisfactory replies in
return; the young man at length arrived before the house which had
been pointed out to him as the object of his destination.  It was a
small low building, one story above the ground, with even a more
desolate and unpromising exterior than any he had yet passed.  An
old yellow curtain was closely drawn across the window up-stairs,
and the parlour shutters were closed, but not fastened.  The house
was detached from any other, and, as it stood at an angle of a
narrow lane, there was no other habitation in sight.

When we say that the surgeon hesitated, and walked a few paces
beyond the house, before he could prevail upon himself to lift the
knocker, we say nothing that need raise a smile upon the face of
the boldest reader.  The police of London were a very different
body in that day; the isolated position of the suburbs, when the
rage for building and the progress of improvement had not yet begun
to connect them with the main body of the city and its environs,
rendered many of them (and this in particular) a place of resort
for the worst and most depraved characters.  Even the streets in
the gayest parts of London were imperfectly lighted, at that time;
and such places as these, were left entirely to the mercy of the
moon and stars.  The chances of detecting desperate characters, or
of tracing them to their haunts, were thus rendered very few, and
their offences naturally increased in boldness, as the
consciousness of comparative security became the more impressed
upon them by daily experience.  Added to these considerations, it
must be remembered that the young man had spent some time in the
public hospitals of the metropolis; and, although neither Burke nor
Bishop had then gained a horrible notoriety, his own observation
might have suggested to him how easily the atrocities to which the
former has since given his name, might be committed.  Be this as it
may, whatever reflection made him hesitate, he DID hesitate:  but,
being a young man of strong mind and great personal courage, it was
only for an instant; - he stepped briskly back and knocked gently
at the door.

A low whispering was audible, immediately afterwards, as if some
person at the end of the passage were conversing stealthily with
another on the landing above.  It was succeeded by the noise of a
pair of heavy boots upon the bare floor.  The door-chain was softly
unfastened; the door opened; and a tall, ill-favoured man, with
black hair, and a face, as the surgeon often declared afterwards,
as pale and haggard, as the countenance of any dead man he ever
saw, presented himself.

'Walk in, sir,' he said in a low tone.

The surgeon did so, and the man having secured the door again, by
the chain, led the way to a small back parlour at the extremity of
the passage.

'Am I in time?'

'Too soon!' replied the man.  The surgeon turned hastily round,
with a gesture of astonishment not unmixed with alarm, which he
found it impossible to repress.

'If you'll step in here, sir,' said the man, who had evidently
noticed the action - 'if you'll step in here, sir, you won't be
detained five minutes, I assure you.'

The surgeon at once walked into the room.  The man closed the door,
and left him alone.

It was a little cold room, with no other furniture than two deal
chairs, and a table of the same material.  A handful of fire,
unguarded by any fender, was burning in the grate, which brought
out the damp if it served no more comfortable purpose, for the
unwholesome moisture was stealing down the walls, in long slug-like
tracks.  The window, which was broken and patched in many places,
looked into a small enclosed piece of ground, almost covered with
water.  Not a sound was to be heard, either within the house, or
without.  The young surgeon sat down by the fireplace, to await the
result of his first professional visit.

He had not remained in this position many minutes, when the noise
of some approaching vehicle struck his ear.  It stopped; the
street-door was opened; a low talking succeeded, accompanied with a
shuffling noise of footsteps, along the passage and on the stairs,
as if two or three men were engaged in carrying some heavy body to
the room above.  The creaking of the stairs, a few seconds
afterwards, announced that the new-comers having completed their
task, whatever it was, were leaving the house.  The door was again
closed, and the former silence was restored.

Another five minutes had elapsed, and the surgeon had resolved to
explore the house, in search of some one to whom he might make his
errand known, when the room-door opened, and his last night's
visitor, dressed in exactly the same manner, with the veil lowered
as before, motioned him to advance.  The singular height of her
form, coupled with the circumstance of her not speaking, caused the
idea to pass across his brain for an instant, that it might be a
man disguised in woman's attire.  The hysteric sobs which issued
from beneath the veil, and the convulsive attitude of grief of the
whole figure, however, at once exposed the absurdity of the
suspicion; and he hastily followed.

The woman led the way up-stairs to the front room, and paused at
the door, to let him enter first.  It was scantily furnished with
an old deal box, a few chairs, and a tent bedstead, without
hangings or cross-rails, which was covered with a patchwork
counterpane.  The dim light admitted through the curtain which he
had noticed from the outside, rendered the objects in the room so
indistinct, and communicated to all of them so uniform a hue, that
he did not, at first, perceive the object on which his eye at once
rested when the woman rushed frantically past him, and flung
herself on her knees by the bedside.

Stretched upon the bed, closely enveloped in a linen wrapper, and
covered with blankets, lay a human form, stiff and motionless.  The
head and face, which were those of a man, were uncovered, save by a
bandage which passed over the head and under the chin.  The eyes
were closed.  The left arm lay heavily across the bed, and the
woman held the passive hand.

The surgeon gently pushed the woman aside, and took the hand in
his.

'My God!' he exclaimed, letting it fall involuntarily - 'the man is
dead!'

The woman started to her feet and beat her hands together.

'Oh! don't say so, sir,' she exclaimed, with a burst of passion,
amounting almost to frenzy.  'Oh! don't say so, sir!  I can't bear
it!  Men have been brought to life, before, when unskilful people
have given them up for lost; and men have died, who might have been
restored, if proper means had been resorted to.  Don't let him lie
here, sir, without one effort to save him!  This very moment life
may be passing away.  Do try, sir, - do, for Heaven's sake!' - And
while speaking, she hurriedly chafed, first the forehead, and then
the breast, of the senseless form before her; and then, wildly beat
the cold hands, which, when she ceased to hold them, fell
listlessly and heavily back on the coverlet.

'It is of no use, my good woman,' said the surgeon, soothingly, as
he withdrew his hand from the man's breast.  'Stay - undraw that
curtain!'

'Why?' said the woman, starting up.

'Undraw that curtain!' repeated the surgeon in an agitated tone.

'I darkened the room on purpose,' said the woman, throwing herself
before him as he rose to undraw it. - 'Oh! sir, have pity on me!
If it can be of no use, and he is really dead, do not expose that
form to other eyes than mine!'

'This man died no natural or easy death,' said the surgeon.  'I
MUST see the body!'  With a motion so sudden, that the woman hardly
knew that he had slipped from beside her, he tore open the curtain,
admitted the full light of day, and returned to the bedside.

'There has been violence here,' he said, pointing towards the body,
and gazing intently on the face, from which the black veil was now,
for the first time, removed.  In the excitement of a minute before,
the female had thrown off the bonnet and veil, and now stood with
her eyes fixed upon him.  Her features were those of a woman about
fifty, who had once been handsome.  Sorrow and weeping had left
traces upon them which not time itself would ever have produced
without their aid; her face was deadly pale; and there was a
nervous contortion of the lip, and an unnatural fire in her eye,
which showed too plainly that her bodily and mental powers had
nearly sunk, beneath an accumulation of misery.

'There has been violence here,' said the surgeon, preserving his
searching glance.

'There has!' replied the woman.

'This man has been murdered.'

'That I call God to witness he has,' said the woman, passionately;
'pitilessly, inhumanly murdered!'

'By whom?' said the surgeon, seizing the woman by the arm.

'Look at the butchers' marks, and then ask me!' she replied.

The surgeon turned his face towards the bed, and bent over the body
which now lay full in the light of the window.  The throat was
swollen, and a livid mark encircled it.  The truth flashed suddenly
upon him.

'This is one of the men who were hanged this morning!' he
exclaimed, turning away with a shudder.

'It is,' replied the woman, with a cold, unmeaning stare.

'Who was he?' inquired the surgeon.

'MY SON,' rejoined the woman; and fell senseless at his feet.

It was true.  A companion, equally guilty with himself, had been
acquitted for want of evidence; and this man had been left for
death, and executed.  To recount the circumstances of the case, at
this distant period, must be unnecessary, and might give pain to
some persons still alive.  The history was an every-day one.  The
mother was a widow without friends or money, and had denied herself
necessaries to bestow them on her orphan boy.  That boy, unmindful
of her prayers, and forgetful of the sufferings she had endured for
him - incessant anxiety of mind, and voluntary starvation of body -
had plunged into a career of dissipation and crime.  And this was
the result; his own death by the hangman's hands, and his mother's
shame, and incurable insanity.

For many years after this occurrence, and when profitable and
arduous avocations would have led many men to forget that such a
miserable being existed, the young surgeon was a daily visitor at
the side of the harmless mad woman; not only soothing her by his
presence and kindness, but alleviating the rigour of her condition
by pecuniary donations for her comfort and support, bestowed with
no sparing hand.  In the transient gleam of recollection and
consciousness which preceded her death, a prayer for his welfare
and protection, as fervent as mortal ever breathed, rose from the
lips of this poor friendless creature.  That prayer flew to Heaven,
and was heard.  The blessings he was instrumental in conferring,
have been repaid to him a thousand-fold; but, amid all the honours
of rank and station which have since been heaped upon him, and
which he has so well earned, he can have no reminiscence more
gratifying to his heart than that connected with The Black Veil.



CHAPTER VII - THE STEAM EXCURSION



Mr. Percy Noakes was a law student, inhabiting a set of chambers on
the fourth floor, in one of those houses in Gray's-inn-square which
command an extensive view of the gardens, and their usual adjuncts
- flaunting nursery-maids, and town-made children, with
parenthetical legs.  Mr. Percy Noakes was what is generally termed
- 'a devilish good fellow.'  He had a large circle of acquaintance,
and seldom dined at his own expense.  He used to talk politics to
papas, flatter the vanity of mammas, do the amiable to their
daughters, make pleasure engagements with their sons, and romp with
the younger branches.  Like those paragons of perfection,
advertising footmen out of place, he was always 'willing to make
himself generally useful.'  If any old lady, whose son was in
India, gave a ball, Mr. Percy Noakes was master of the ceremonies;
if any young lady made a stolen match, Mr. Percy Noakes gave her
away; if a juvenile wife presented her husband with a blooming
cherub, Mr. Percy Noakes was either godfather, or deputy-godfather;
and if any member of a friend's family died, Mr. Percy Noakes was
invariably to be seen in the second mourning coach, with a white
handkerchief to his eyes, sobbing - to use his own appropriate and
expressive description - 'like winkin'!'

It may readily be imagined that these numerous avocations were
rather calculated to interfere with Mr. Percy Noakes's professional
studies.  Mr. Percy Noakes was perfectly aware of the fact, and
had, therefore, after mature reflection, made up his mind not to
study at all - a laudable determination, to which he adhered in the
most praiseworthy manner.  His sitting-room presented a strange
chaos of dress-gloves, boxing-gloves, caricatures, albums,
invitation-cards, foils, cricket-bats, cardboard drawings, paste,
gum, and fifty other miscellaneous articles, heaped together in the
strangest confusion.  He was always making something for somebody,
or planning some party of pleasure, which was his great FORTE.  He
invariably spoke with astonishing rapidity; was smart, spoffish,
and eight-and-twenty.

'Splendid idea, 'pon my life!' soliloquised Mr. Percy Noakes, over
his morning coffee, as his mind reverted to a suggestion which had
been thrown out on the previous night, by a lady at whose house he
had spent the evening.  'Glorious idea! - Mrs. Stubbs.'

'Yes, sir,' replied a dirty old woman with an inflamed countenance,
emerging from the bedroom, with a barrel of dirt and cinders. -
This was the laundress.  'Did you call, sir?'

'Oh!  Mrs. Stubbs, I'm going out.  If that tailor should call
again, you'd better say - you'd better say I'm out of town, and
shan't be back for a fortnight; and if that bootmaker should come,
tell him I've lost his address, or I'd have sent him that little
amount.  Mind he writes it down; and if Mr. Hardy should call - you
know Mr. Hardy?'

'The funny gentleman, sir?'

'Ah! the funny gentleman.  If Mr. Hardy should call, say I've gone
to Mrs. Taunton's about that water-party.'

'Yes, sir.'

'And if any fellow calls, and says he's come about a steamer, tell
him to be here at five o'clock this afternoon, Mrs. Stubbs.'

'Very well, sir.'

Mr. Percy Noakes brushed his hat, whisked the crumbs off his
inexpressibles with a silk handkerchief, gave the ends of his hair
a persuasive roll round his forefinger, and sallied forth for Mrs.
Taunton's domicile in Great Marlborough-street, where she and her
daughters occupied the upper part of a house.  She was a good-
looking widow of fifty, with the form of a giantess and the mind of
a child.  The pursuit of pleasure, and some means of killing time,
were the sole end of her existence.  She doted on her daughters,
who were as frivolous as herself.

A general exclamation of satisfaction hailed the arrival of Mr.
Percy Noakes, who went through the ordinary salutations, and threw
himself into an easy chair near the ladies' work-table, with the
ease of a regularly established friend of the family.  Mrs. Taunton
was busily engaged in planting immense bright bows on every part of
a smart cap on which it was possible to stick one; Miss Emily
Taunton was making a watch-guard; Miss Sophia was at the piano,
practising a new song - poetry by the young officer, or the police-
officer, or the custom-house officer, or some other interesting
amateur.

'You good creature!' said Mrs. Taunton, addressing the gallant
Percy.  'You really are a good soul!  You've come about the water-
party, I know.'

'I should rather suspect I had,' replied Mr. Noakes, triumphantly.
'Now, come here, girls, and I'll tell you all about it.'  Miss
Emily and Miss Sophia advanced to the table.

'Now,' continued Mr. Percy Noakes, 'it seems to me that the best
way will be, to have a committee of ten, to make all the
arrangements, and manage the whole set-out.  Then, I propose that
the expenses shall be paid by these ten fellows jointly.'

'Excellent, indeed!' said Mrs. Taunton, who highly approved of this
part of the arrangements.

'Then, my plan is, that each of these ten fellows shall have the
power of asking five people.  There must be a meeting of the
committee, at my chambers, to make all the arrangements, and these
people shall be then named; every member of the committee shall
have the power of black-balling any one who is proposed; and one
black ball shall exclude that person.  This will ensure our having
a pleasant party, you know.'

'What a manager you are!' interrupted Mrs. Taunton again.

'Charming!' said the lovely Emily.

'I never did!' ejaculated Sophia.

'Yes, I think it'll do,' replied Mr. Percy Noakes, who was now
quite in his element.  'I think it'll do.  Then you know we shall
go down to the Nore, and back, and have a regular capital cold
dinner laid out in the cabin before we start, so that everything
may be ready without any confusion; and we shall have the lunch
laid out, on deck, in those little tea-garden-looking concerns by
the paddle-boxes - I don't know what you call 'em.  Then, we shall
hire a steamer expressly for our party, and a band, and have the
deck chalked, and we shall be able to dance quadrilles all day; and
then, whoever we know that's musical, you know, why they'll make
themselves useful and agreeable; and - and - upon the whole, I
really hope we shall have a glorious day, you know!'

The announcement of these arrangements was received with the utmost
enthusiasm.  Mrs. Taunton, Emily, and Sophia, were loud in their
praises.

'Well, but tell me, Percy,' said Mrs. Taunton, 'who are the ten
gentlemen to be?'

'Oh!  I know plenty of fellows who'll be delighted with the
scheme,' replied Mr. Percy Noakes; 'of course we shall have - '

'Mr. Hardy!' interrupted the servant, announcing a visitor.  Miss
Sophia and Miss Emily hastily assumed the most interesting
attitudes that could be adopted on so short a notice.

'How are you?' said a stout gentleman of about forty, pausing at
the door in the attitude of an awkward harlequin.  This was Mr.
Hardy, whom we have before described, on the authority of Mrs.
Stubbs, as 'the funny gentleman.'  He was an Astley-Cooperish Joe
Miller - a practical joker, immensely popular with married ladies,
and a general favourite with young men.  He was always engaged in
some pleasure excursion or other, and delighted in getting somebody
into a scrape on such occasions.  He could sing comic songs,
imitate hackney-coachmen and fowls, play airs on his chin, and
execute concertos on the Jews'-harp.  He always eat and drank most
immoderately, and was the bosom friend of Mr. Percy Noakes.  He had
a red face, a somewhat husky voice, and a tremendous laugh.

'How ARE you?' said this worthy, laughing, as if it were the finest
joke in the world to make a morning call, and shaking hands with
the ladies with as much vehemence as if their arms had been so many
pump-handles.

'You're just the very man I wanted,' said Mr. Percy Noakes, who
proceeded to explain the cause of his being in requisition.

'Ha! ha! ha!' shouted Hardy, after hearing the statement, and
receiving a detailed account of the proposed excursion.  'Oh,
capital! glorious!  What a day it will be! what fun! - But, I say,
when are you going to begin making the arrangements?'

'No time like the present - at once, if you please.'

'Oh, charming!' cried the ladies.  'Pray, do!'

Writing materials were laid before Mr. Percy Noakes, and the names
of the different members of the committee were agreed on, after as
much discussion between him and Mr. Hardy as if the fate of nations
had depended on their appointment.  It was then agreed that a
meeting should take place at Mr. Percy Noakes's chambers on the
ensuing Wednesday evening at eight o'clock, and the visitors
departed.

Wednesday evening arrived; eight o'clock came, and eight members of
the committee were punctual in their attendance.  Mr. Loggins, the
solicitor, of Boswell-court, sent an excuse, and Mr. Samuel Briggs,
the ditto of Furnival's Inn, sent his brother:  much to his (the
brother's) satisfaction, and greatly to the discomfiture of Mr.
Percy Noakes.  Between the Briggses and the Tauntons there existed
a degree of implacable hatred, quite unprecedented.  The animosity
between the Montagues and Capulets, was nothing to that which
prevailed between these two illustrious houses.  Mrs. Briggs was a
widow, with three daughters and two sons; Mr. Samuel, the eldest,
was an attorney, and Mr. Alexander, the youngest, was under
articles to his brother.  They resided in Portland-street, Oxford-
street, and moved in the same orbit as the Tauntons - hence their
mutual dislike.  If the Miss Briggses appeared in smart bonnets,
the Miss Tauntons eclipsed them with smarter.  If Mrs. Taunton
appeared in a cap of all the hues of the rainbow, Mrs. Briggs
forthwith mounted a toque, with all the patterns of the
kaleidoscope.  If Miss Sophia Taunton learnt a new song, two of the
Miss Briggses came out with a new duet.  The Tauntons had once
gained a temporary triumph with the assistance of a harp, but the
Briggses brought three guitars into the field, and effectually
routed the enemy.  There was no end to the rivalry between them.

Now, as Mr. Samuel Briggs was a mere machine, a sort of self-acting
legal walking-stick; and as the party was known to have originated,
however remotely, with Mrs. Taunton, the female branches of the
Briggs family had arranged that Mr. Alexander should attend,
instead of his brother; and as the said Mr. Alexander was
deservedly celebrated for possessing all the pertinacity of a
bankruptcy-court attorney, combined with the obstinacy of that
useful animal which browses on the thistle, he required but little
tuition.  He was especially enjoined to make himself as
disagreeable as possible; and, above all, to black-ball the
Tauntons at every hazard.

The proceedings of the evening were opened by Mr. Percy Noakes.
After successfully urging on the gentlemen present the propriety of
their mixing some brandy-and-water, he briefly stated the object of
the meeting, and concluded by observing that the first step must be
the selection of a chairman, necessarily possessing some arbitrary
- he trusted not unconstitutional - powers, to whom the personal
direction of the whole of the arrangements (subject to the approval
of the committee) should be confided.  A pale young gentleman, in a
green stock and spectacles of the same, a member of the honourable
society of the Inner Temple, immediately rose for the purpose of
proposing Mr. Percy Noakes.  He had known him long, and this he
would say, that a more honourable, a more excellent, or a better-
hearted fellow, never existed. - (Hear, hear!)  The young
gentleman, who was a member of a debating society, took this
opportunity of entering into an examination of the state of the
English law, from the days of William the Conqueror down to the
present period; he briefly adverted to the code established by the
ancient Druids; slightly glanced at the principles laid down by the
Athenian law-givers; and concluded with a most glowing eulogium on
pic-nics and constitutional rights.

Mr. Alexander Briggs opposed the motion.  He had the highest esteem
for Mr. Percy Noakes as an individual, but he did consider that he
ought not to be intrusted with these immense powers - (oh, oh!) -
He believed that in the proposed capacity Mr. Percy Noakes would
not act fairly, impartially, or honourably; but he begged it to be
distinctly understood, that he said this, without the slightest
personal disrespect.  Mr. Hardy defended his honourable friend, in
a voice rendered partially unintelligible by emotion and brandy-
and-water.  The proposition was put to the vote, and there
appearing to be only one dissentient voice, Mr. Percy Noakes was
declared duly elected, and took the chair accordingly.

The business of the meeting now proceeded with rapidity.  The
chairman delivered in his estimate of the probable expense of the
excursion, and every one present subscribed his portion thereof.
The question was put that 'The Endeavour' be hired for the
occasion; Mr. Alexander Briggs moved as an amendment, that the word
'Fly' be substituted for the word 'Endeavour'; but after some
debate consented to withdraw his opposition.  The important
ceremony of balloting then commenced.  A tea-caddy was placed on a
table in a dark corner of the apartment, and every one was provided
with two backgammon men, one black and one white.

The chairman with great solemnity then read the following list of
the guests whom he proposed to introduce:- Mrs. Taunton and two
daughters, Mr. Wizzle, Mr. Simson.  The names were respectively
balloted for, and Mrs. Taunton and her daughters were declared to
be black-balled.  Mr. Percy Noakes and Mr. Hardy exchanged glances.

'Is your list prepared, Mr. Briggs?' inquired the chairman.

'It is,' replied Alexander, delivering in the following:- 'Mrs.
Briggs and three daughters, Mr. Samuel Briggs.'  The previous
ceremony was repeated, and Mrs. Briggs and three daughters were
declared to be black-balled.  Mr. Alexander Briggs looked rather
foolish, and the remainder of the company appeared somewhat
overawed by the mysterious nature of the proceedings.

The balloting proceeded; but, one little circumstance which Mr.
Percy Noakes had not originally foreseen, prevented the system from
working quite as well as he had anticipated.  Everybody was black-
balled.  Mr. Alexander Briggs, by way of retaliation, exercised his
power of exclusion in every instance, and the result was, that
after three hours had been consumed in hard balloting, the names of
only three gentlemen were found to have been agreed to.  In this
dilemma what was to be done? either the whole plan must fall to the
ground, or a compromise must be effected.  The latter alternative
was preferable; and Mr. Percy Noakes therefore proposed that the
form of balloting should be dispensed with, and that every
gentleman should merely be required to state whom he intended to
bring.  The proposal was acceded to; the Tauntons and the Briggses
were reinstated; and the party was formed.

The next Wednesday was fixed for the eventful day, and it was
unanimously resolved that every member of the committee should wear
a piece of blue sarsenet ribbon round his left arm.  It appeared
from the statement of Mr. Percy Noakes, that the boat belonged to
the General Steam Navigation Company, and was then lying off the
Custom-house; and, as he proposed that the dinner and wines should
be provided by an eminent city purveyor, it was arranged that Mr.
Percy Noakes should be on board by seven o'clock to superintend the
arrangements, and that the remaining members of the committee,
together with the company generally, should be expected to join her
by nine o'clock.  More brandy-and-water was despatched; several
speeches were made by the different law students present; thanks
were voted to the chairman; and the meeting separated.

The weather had been beautiful up to this period, and beautiful it
continued to be.  Sunday passed over, and Mr. Percy Noakes became
unusually fidgety - rushing, constantly, to and from the Steam
Packet Wharf, to the astonishment of the clerks, and the great
emolument of the Holborn cabmen.  Tuesday arrived, and the anxiety
of Mr. Percy Noakes knew no bounds.  He was every instant running
to the window, to look out for clouds; and Mr. Hardy astonished the
whole square by practising a new comic song for the occasion, in
the chairman's chambers.

Uneasy were the slumbers of Mr. Percy Noakes that night; he tossed
and tumbled about, and had confused dreams of steamers starting
off, and gigantic clocks with the hands pointing to a quarter-past
nine, and the ugly face of Mr. Alexander Briggs looking over the
boat's side, and grinning, as if in derision of his fruitless
attempts to move.  He made a violent effort to get on board, and
awoke.  The bright sun was shining cheerfully into the bedroom, and
Mr. Percy Noakes started up for his watch, in the dreadful
expectation of finding his worst dreams realised.

It was just five o'clock.  He calculated the time - he should be a
good half-hour dressing himself; and as it was a lovely morning,
and the tide would be then running down, he would walk leisurely to
Strand-lane, and have a boat to the Custom-house.

He dressed himself, took a hasty apology for a breakfast, and
sallied forth.  The streets looked as lonely and deserted as if
they had been crowded, overnight, for the last time.  Here and
there, an early apprentice, with quenched-looking sleepy eyes, was
taking down the shutters of a shop; and a policeman or milkwoman
might occasionally be seen pacing slowly along; but the servants
had not yet begun to clean the doors, or light the kitchen fires,
and London looked the picture of desolation.  At the corner of a
by-street, near Temple-bar, was stationed a 'street-breakfast.'
The coffee was boiling over a charcoal fire, and large slices of
bread and butter were piled one upon the other, like deals in a
timber-yard.  The company were seated on a form, which, with a view
both to security and comfort, was placed against a neighbouring
wall.  Two young men, whose uproarious mirth and disordered dress
bespoke the conviviality of the preceding evening, were treating
three 'ladies' and an Irish labourer.  A little sweep was standing
at a short distance, casting a longing eye at the tempting
delicacies; and a policeman was watching the group from the
opposite side of the street.  The wan looks and gaudy finery of the
thinly-clad women contrasted as strangely with the gay sunlight, as
did their forced merriment with the boisterous hilarity of the two
young men, who, now and then, varied their amusements by
'bonneting' the proprietor of this itinerant coffee-house.

Mr. Percy Noakes walked briskly by, and when he turned down Strand-
lane, and caught a glimpse of the glistening water, he thought he
had never felt so important or so happy in his life.

'Boat, sir?' cried one of the three watermen who were mopping out
their boats, and all whistling.  'Boat, sir?'

'No,' replied Mr. Percy Noakes, rather sharply; for the inquiry was
not made in a manner at all suitable to his dignity.

'Would you prefer a wessel, sir?' inquired another, to the infinite
delight of the 'Jack-in-the-water.'

Mr. Percy Noakes replied with a look of supreme contempt.

'Did you want to be put on board a steamer, sir?' inquired an old
fireman-waterman, very confidentially.  He was dressed in a faded
red suit, just the colour of the cover of a very old Court-guide.

'Yes, make haste - the Endeavour - off the Custom-house.'

'Endeavour!' cried the man who had convulsed the 'Jack' before.
'Vy, I see the Endeavour go up half an hour ago.'

'So did I,' said another; 'and I should think she'd gone down by
this time, for she's a precious sight too full of ladies and
gen'lemen.'

Mr. Percy Noakes affected to disregard these representations, and
stepped into the boat, which the old man, by dint of scrambling,
and shoving, and grating, had brought up to the causeway.  'Shove
her off!' cried Mr. Percy Noakes, and away the boat glided down the
river; Mr. Percy Noakes seated on the recently mopped seat, and the
watermen at the stairs offering to bet him any reasonable sum that
he'd never reach the 'Custum-us.'

'Here she is, by Jove!' said the delighted Percy, as they ran
alongside the Endeavour.

'Hold hard!' cried the steward over the side, and Mr. Percy Noakes
jumped on board.

'Hope you will find everything as you wished, sir.  She looks
uncommon well this morning.'

'She does, indeed,' replied the manager, in a state of ecstasy
which it is impossible to describe.  The deck was scrubbed, and the
seats were scrubbed, and there was a bench for the band, and a
place for dancing, and a pile of camp-stools, and an awning; and
then Mr. Percy Noakes bustled down below, and there were the
pastrycook's men, and the steward's wife, laying out the dinner on
two tables the whole length of the cabin; and then Mr. Percy Noakes
took off his coat and rushed backwards and forwards, doing nothing,
but quite convinced he was assisting everybody; and the steward's
wife laughed till she cried, and Mr. Percy Noakes panted with the
violence of his exertions.  And then the bell at London-bridge
wharf rang; and a Margate boat was just starting; and a Gravesend
boat was just starting, and people shouted, and porters ran down
the steps with luggage that would crush any men but porters; and
sloping boards, with bits of wood nailed on them, were placed
between the outside boat and the inside boat; and the passengers
ran along them, and looked like so many fowls coming out of an
area; and then, the bell ceased, and the boards were taken away,
and the boats started, and the whole scene was one of the most
delightful bustle and confusion.

The time wore on; half-past eight o'clock arrived; the pastry-
cook's men went ashore; the dinner was completely laid out; and Mr.
Percy Noakes locked the principal cabin, and put the key in his
pocket, in order that it might be suddenly disclosed, in all its
magnificence, to the eyes of the astonished company.  The band came
on board, and so did the wine.

Ten minutes to nine, and the committee embarked in a body.  There
was Mr. Hardy, in a blue jacket and waistcoat, white trousers, silk
stockings, and pumps - in full aquatic costume, with a straw hat on
his head, and an immense telescope under his arm; and there was the
young gentleman with the green spectacles, in nankeen
inexplicables, with a ditto waistcoat and bright buttons, like the
pictures of Paul - not the saint, but he of Virginia notoriety.
The remainder of the committee, dressed in white hats, light
jackets, waistcoats, and trousers, looked something between waiters
and West India planters.

Nine o'clock struck, and the company arrived in shoals.  Mr. Samuel
Briggs, Mrs. Briggs, and the Misses Briggs, made their appearance
in a smart private wherry.  The three guitars, in their respective
dark green cases, were carefully stowed away in the bottom of the
boat, accompanied by two immense portfolios of music, which it
would take at least a week's incessant playing to get through.  The
Tauntons arrived at the same moment with more music, and a lion - a
gentleman with a bass voice and an incipient red moustache.  The
colours of the Taunton party were pink; those of the Briggses a
light blue.  The Tauntons had artificial flowers in their bonnets;
here the Briggses gained a decided advantage - they wore feathers.

'How d'ye do, dear?' said the Misses Briggs to the Misses Taunton.
(The word 'dear' among girls is frequently synonymous with
'wretch.')

'Quite well, thank you, dear,' replied the Misses Taunton to the
Misses Briggs; and then, there was such a kissing, and
congratulating, and shaking of hands, as might have induced one to
suppose that the two families were the best friends in the world,
instead of each wishing the other overboard, as they most sincerely
did.

Mr. Percy Noakes received the visitors, and bowed to the strange
gentleman, as if he should like to know who he was.  This was just
what Mrs. Taunton wanted.  Here was an opportunity to astonish the
Briggses.

'Oh!  I beg your pardon,' said the general of the Taunton party,
with a careless air. - 'Captain Helves - Mr. Percy Noakes - Mrs.
Briggs - Captain Helves.'

Mr. Percy Noakes bowed very low; the gallant captain did the same
with all due ferocity, and the Briggses were clearly overcome.

'Our friend, Mr. Wizzle, being unfortunately prevented from
coming,' resumed Mrs. Taunton, 'I did myself the pleasure of
bringing the captain, whose musical talents I knew would be a great
acquisition.'

'In the name of the committee I have to thank you for doing so, and
to offer you welcome, sir,' replied Percy.  (Here the scraping was
renewed.)  'But pray be seated - won't you walk aft?  Captain, will
you conduct Miss Taunton? - Miss Briggs, will you allow me?'

'Where could they have picked up that military man?' inquired Mrs.
Briggs of Miss Kate Briggs, as they followed the little party.

'I can't imagine,' replied Miss Kate, bursting with vexation; for
the very fierce air with which the gallant captain regarded the
company, had impressed her with a high sense of his importance.

Boat after boat came alongside, and guest after guest arrived.  The
invites had been excellently arranged:  Mr. Percy Noakes having
considered it as important that the number of young men should
exactly tally with that of the young ladies, as that the quantity
of knives on board should be in precise proportion to the forks.

'Now, is every one on board?' inquired Mr. Percy Noakes.  The
committee (who, with their bits of blue ribbon, looked as if they
were all going to be bled) bustled about to ascertain the fact, and
reported that they might safely start.

'Go on!' cried the master of the boat from the top of one of the
paddle-boxes.

'Go on!' echoed the boy, who was stationed over the hatchway to
pass the directions down to the engineer; and away went the vessel
with that agreeable noise which is peculiar to steamers, and which
is composed of a mixture of creaking, gushing, clanging, and
snorting.

'Hoi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-o-i-i-i!' shouted half-a-dozen voices from a
boat, a quarter of a mile astern.

'Ease her!' cried the captain:  'do these people belong to us,
sir?'

'Noakes,' exclaimed Hardy, who had been looking at every object far
and near, through the large telescope, 'it's the Fleetwoods and the
Wakefields - and two children with them, by Jove!'

'What a shame to bring children!' said everybody; 'how very
inconsiderate!'

'I say, it would be a good joke to pretend not to see 'em, wouldn't
it?' suggested Hardy, to the immense delight of the company
generally.  A council of war was hastily held, and it was resolved
that the newcomers should be taken on board, on Mr. Hardy solemnly
pledging himself to tease the children during the whole of the day.

'Stop her!' cried the captain.

'Stop her!' repeated the boy; whizz went the steam, and all the
young ladies, as in duty bound, screamed in concert.  They were
only appeased by the assurance of the martial Helves, that the
escape of steam consequent on stopping a vessel was seldom attended
with any great loss of human life.

Two men ran to the side; and after some shouting, and swearing, and
angling for the wherry with a boat-hook, Mr. Fleetwood, and Mrs.
Fleetwood, and Master Fleetwood, and Mr. Wakefield, and Mrs.
Wakefield, and Miss Wakefield, were safely deposited on the deck.
The girl was about six years old, the boy about four; the former
was dressed in a white frock with a pink sash and dog's-eared-
looking little spencer:  a straw bonnet and green veil, six inches
by three and a half; the latter, was attired for the occasion in a
nankeen frock, between the bottom of which, and the top of his
plaid socks, a considerable portion of two small mottled legs was
discernible.  He had a light blue cap with a gold band and tassel
on his head, and a damp piece of gingerbread in his hand, with
which he had slightly embossed his countenance.

The boat once more started off; the band played 'Off she goes:' the
major part of the company conversed cheerfully in groups; and the
old gentlemen walked up and down the deck in pairs, as
perseveringly and gravely as if they were doing a match against
time for an immense stake.  They ran briskly down the Pool; the
gentlemen pointed out the Docks, the Thames Police-office, and
other elegant public edifices; and the young ladies exhibited a
proper display of horror at the appearance of the coal-whippers and
ballast-heavers.  Mr. Hardy told stories to the married ladies, at
which they laughed very much in their pocket-handkerchiefs, and hit
him on the knuckles with their fans, declaring him to be 'a naughty
man - a shocking creature' - and so forth; and Captain Helves gave
slight descriptions of battles and duels, with a most bloodthirsty
air, which made him the admiration of the women, and the envy of
the men.  Quadrilling commenced; Captain Helves danced one set with
Miss Emily Taunton, and another set with Miss Sophia Taunton.  Mrs.
Taunton was in ecstasies.  The victory appeared to be complete; but
alas! the inconstancy of man!  Having performed this necessary
duty, he attached himself solely to Miss Julia Briggs, with whom he
danced no less than three sets consecutively, and from whose side
he evinced no intention of stirring for the remainder of the day.

Mr. Hardy, having played one or two very brilliant fantasias on the
Jews'-harp, and having frequently repeated the exquisitely amusing
joke of slily chalking a large cross on the back of some member of
the committee, Mr. Percy Noakes expressed his hope that some of
their musical friends would oblige the company by a display of
their abilities.

'Perhaps,' he said in a very insinuating manner, 'Captain Helves
will oblige us?'  Mrs. Taunton's countenance lighted up, for the
captain only sang duets, and couldn't sing them with anybody but
one of her daughters.

'Really,' said that warlike individual, 'I should be very happy,
'but - '

'Oh! pray do,' cried all the young ladies.

'Miss Emily, have you any objection to join in a duet?'

'Oh! not the slightest,' returned the young lady, in a tone which
clearly showed she had the greatest possible objection.

'Shall I accompany you, dear?' inquired one of the Miss Briggses,
with the bland intention of spoiling the effect.

'Very much obliged to you, Miss Briggs,' sharply retorted Mrs.
Taunton, who saw through the manoeuvre; 'my daughters always sing
without accompaniments.'

'And without voices,' tittered Mrs. Briggs, in a low tone.

'Perhaps,' said Mrs. Taunton, reddening, for she guessed the tenor
of the observation, though she had not heard it clearly - 'Perhaps
it would be as well for some people, if their voices were not quite
so audible as they are to other people.'

'And, perhaps, if gentlemen who are kidnapped to pay attention to
some persons' daughters, had not sufficient discernment to pay
attention to other persons' daughters,' returned Mrs. Briggs, 'some
persons would not be so ready to display that ill-temper which,
thank God, distinguishes them from other persons.'

'Persons!' ejaculated Mrs. Taunton.

'Persons,' replied Mrs. Briggs.

'Insolence!'

'Creature!'

'Hush! hush!' interrupted Mr. Percy Noakes, who was one of the very
few by whom this dialogue had been overheard.  'Hush! - pray,
silence for the duet.'

After a great deal of preparatory crowing and humming, the captain
began the following duet from the opera of 'Paul and Virginia,' in
that grunting tone in which a man gets down, Heaven knows where,
without the remotest chance of ever getting up again.  This, in
private circles, is frequently designated 'a bass voice.'


'See (sung the captain) from o-ce-an ri-sing
Bright flames the or-b of d-ay.
From yon gro-ove, the varied so-ongs - '


Here, the singer was interrupted by varied cries of the most
dreadful description, proceeding from some grove in the immediate
vicinity of the starboard paddle-box.

'My child!' screamed Mrs. Fleetwood.  'My child! it is his voice -
I know it.'

Mr. Fleetwood, accompanied by several gentlemen, here rushed to the
quarter from whence the noise proceeded, and an exclamation of
horror burst from the company; the general impression being, that
the little innocent had either got his head in the water, or his
legs in the machinery.

'What is the matter?' shouted the agonised father, as he returned
with the child in his arms.

'Oh! oh! oh!' screamed the small sufferer again.

'What is the matter, dear?' inquired the father once more - hastily
stripping off the nankeen frock, for the purpose of ascertaining
whether the child had one bone which was not smashed to pieces.

'Oh! oh! - I'm so frightened!'

'What at, dear? - what at?' said the mother, soothing the sweet
infant.

'Oh! he's been making such dreadful faces at me,' cried the boy,
relapsing into convulsions at the bare recollection.

'He! - who?' cried everybody, crowding round him.

'Oh! - him!' replied the child, pointing at Hardy, who affected to
be the most concerned of the whole group.

The real state of the case at once flashed upon the minds of all
present, with the exception of the Fleetwoods and the Wakefields.
The facetious Hardy, in fulfilment of his promise, had watched the
child to a remote part of the vessel, and, suddenly appearing
before him with the most awful contortions of visage, had produced
his paroxysm of terror.  Of course, he now observed that it was
hardly necessary for him to deny the accusation; and the
unfortunate little victim was accordingly led below, after
receiving sundry thumps on the head from both his parents, for
having the wickedness to tell a story.

This little interruption having been adjusted, the captain resumed,
and Miss Emily chimed in, in due course.  The duet was loudly
applauded, and, certainly, the perfect independence of the parties
deserved great commendation.  Miss Emily sung her part, without the
slightest reference to the captain; and the captain sang so loud,
that he had not the slightest idea what was being done by his
partner.  After having gone through the last few eighteen or
nineteen bars by himself, therefore, he acknowledged the plaudits
of the circle with that air of self-denial which men usually assume
when they think they have done something to astonish the company.

'Now,' said Mr. Percy Noakes, who had just ascended from the fore-
cabin, where he had been busily engaged in decanting the wine, 'if
the Misses Briggs will oblige us with something before dinner, I am
sure we shall be very much delighted.'

One of those hums of admiration followed the suggestion, which one
frequently hears in society, when nobody has the most distant
notion what he is expressing his approval of.  The three Misses
Briggs looked modestly at their mamma, and the mamma looked
approvingly at her daughters, and Mrs. Taunton looked scornfully at
all of them.  The Misses Briggs asked for their guitars, and
several gentlemen seriously damaged the cases in their anxiety to
present them.  Then, there was a very interesting production of
three little keys for the aforesaid cases, and a melodramatic
expression of horror at finding a string broken; and a vast deal of
screwing and tightening, and winding, and tuning, during which Mrs.
Briggs expatiated to those near her on the immense difficulty of
playing a guitar, and hinted at the wondrous proficiency of her
daughters in that mystic art.  Mrs. Taunton whispered to a
neighbour that it was 'quite sickening!' and the Misses Taunton
looked as if they knew how to play, but disdained to do it.

At length, the Misses Briggs began in real earnest.  It was a new
Spanish composition, for three voices and three guitars.  The
effect was electrical.  All eyes were turned upon the captain, who
was reported to have once passed through Spain with his regiment,
and who must be well acquainted with the national music.  He was in
raptures.  This was sufficient; the trio was encored; the applause
was universal; and never had the Tauntons suffered such a complete
defeat.

'Bravo! bravo!' ejaculated the captain; - 'bravo!'

'Pretty! isn't it, sir?' inquired Mr. Samuel Briggs, with the air
of a self-satisfied showman.  By-the-bye, these were the first
words he had been heard to utter since he left Boswell-court the
evening before.

'De-lightful!' returned the captain, with a flourish, and a
military cough; - 'de-lightful!'

'Sweet instrument!' said an old gentleman with a bald head, who had
been trying all the morning to look through a telescope, inside the
glass of which Mr. Hardy had fixed a large black wafer.

'Did you ever hear a Portuguese tambourine?' inquired that jocular
individual.

'Did YOU ever hear a tom-tom, sir?' sternly inquired the captain,
who lost no opportunity of showing off his travels, real or
pretended.

'A what?' asked Hardy, rather taken aback.

'A tom-tom.'

'Never!'

'Nor a gum-gum?'

'Never!'

'What IS a gum-gum?' eagerly inquired several young ladies.

'When I was in the East Indies,' replied the captain - (here was a
discovery - he had been in the East Indies!) - 'when I was in the
East Indies, I was once stopping a few thousand miles up the
country, on a visit at the house of a very particular friend of
mine, Ram Chowdar Doss Azuph Al Bowlar - a devilish pleasant
fellow.  As we were enjoying our hookahs, one evening, in the cool
verandah in front of his villa, we were rather surprised by the
sudden appearance of thirty-four of his Kit-ma-gars (for he had
rather a large establishment there), accompanied by an equal number
of Con-su-mars, approaching the house with a threatening aspect,
and beating a tom-tom.  The Ram started up - '

'Who?' inquired the bald gentleman, intensely interested.

'The Ram - Ram Chowdar - '

'Oh!' said the old gentleman, 'beg your pardon; pray go on.'

' - Started up and drew a pistol.  "Helves," said he, "my boy," -
he always called me, my boy - "Helves," said he, "do you hear that
tom-tom?"  "I do," said I.  His countenance, which before was pale,
assumed a most frightful appearance; his whole visage was
distorted, and his frame shaken by violent emotions.  "Do you see
that gum-gum?" said he.  "No," said I, staring about me.  "You
don't?" said he.  "No, I'll be damned if I do," said I; "and what's
more, I don't know what a gum-gum is," said I.  I really thought
the Ram would have dropped.  He drew me aside, and with an
expression of agony I shall never forget, said in a low whisper - '

'Dinner's on the table, ladies,' interrupted the steward's wife.

'Will you allow me?' said the captain, immediately suiting the
action to the word, and escorting Miss Julia Briggs to the cabin,
with as much ease as if he had finished the story.

'What an extraordinary circumstance!' ejaculated the same old
gentleman, preserving his listening attitude.

'What a traveller!' said the young ladies.

'What a singular name!' exclaimed the gentlemen, rather confused by
the coolness of the whole affair.

'I wish he had finished the story,' said an old lady.  'I wonder
what a gum-gum really is?'

'By Jove!' exclaimed Hardy, who until now had been lost in utter
amazement, 'I don't know what it may be in India, but in England I
think a gum-gum has very much the same meaning as a hum-bug.'

'How illiberal! how envious!' cried everybody, as they made for the
cabin, fully impressed with a belief in the captain's amazing
adventures.  Helves was the sole lion for the remainder of the day
- impudence and the marvellous are pretty sure passports to any
society.

The party had by this time reached their destination, and put about
on their return home.  The wind, which had been with them the whole
day, was now directly in their teeth; the weather had become
gradually more and more overcast; and the sky, water, and shore,
were all of that dull, heavy, uniform lead-colour, which house-
painters daub in the first instance over a street-door which is
gradually approaching a state of convalescence.  It had been
'spitting' with rain for the last half-hour, and now began to pour
in good earnest.  The wind was freshening very fast, and the
waterman at the wheel had unequivocally expressed his opinion that
there would shortly be a squall.  A slight emotion on the part of
the vessel, now and then, seemed to suggest the possibility of its
pitching to a very uncomfortable extent in the event of its blowing
harder; and every timber began to creak, as if the boat were an
overladen clothes-basket.  Sea-sickness, however, is like a belief
in ghosts - every one entertains some misgivings on the subject,
but few will acknowledge any.  The majority of the company,
therefore, endeavoured to look peculiarly happy, feeling all the
while especially miserable.

'Don't it rain?' inquired the old gentleman before noticed, when,
by dint of squeezing and jamming, they were all seated at table.

'I think it does - a little,' replied Mr. Percy Noakes, who could
hardly hear himself speak, in consequence of the pattering on the
deck.

'Don't it blow?' inquired some one else.

'No, I don't think it does,' responded Hardy, sincerely wishing
that he could persuade himself that it did not; for he sat near the
door, and was almost blown off his seat.

'It'll soon clear up,' said Mr. Percy Noakes, in a cheerful tone.

'Oh, certainly!' ejaculated the committee generally.

'No doubt of it!' said the remainder of the company, whose
attention was now pretty well engrossed by the serious business of
eating, carving, taking wine, and so forth.

The throbbing motion of the engine was but too perceptible.  There
was a large, substantial, cold boiled leg of mutton, at the bottom
of the table, shaking like blancmange; a previously hearty sirloin
of beef looked as if it had been suddenly seized with the palsy;
and some tongues, which were placed on dishes rather too large for
them, went through the most surprising evolutions; darting from
side to side, and from end to end, like a fly in an inverted wine-
glass.  Then, the sweets shook and trembled, till it was quite
impossible to help them, and people gave up the attempt in despair;
and the pigeon-pies looked as if the birds, whose legs were stuck
outside, were trying to get them in.  The table vibrated and
started like a feverish pulse, and the very legs were convulsed -
everything was shaking and jarring.  The beams in the roof of the
cabin seemed as if they were put there for the sole purpose of
giving people head-aches, and several elderly gentlemen became ill-
tempered in consequence.  As fast as the steward put the fire-irons
up, they WOULD fall down again; and the more the ladies and
gentlemen tried to sit comfortably on their seats, the more the
seats seemed to slide away from the ladies and gentlemen.  Several
ominous demands were made for small glasses of brandy; the
countenances of the company gradually underwent most extraordinary
changes; one gentleman was observed suddenly to rush from table
without the slightest ostensible reason, and dart up the steps with
incredible swiftness:  thereby greatly damaging both himself and
the steward, who happened to be coming down at the same moment.

The cloth was removed; the dessert was laid on the table; and the
glasses were filled.  The motion of the boat increased; several
members of the party began to feel rather vague and misty, and
looked as if they had only just got up.  The young gentleman with
the spectacles, who had been in a fluctuating state for some time -
at one moment bright, and at another dismal, like a revolving light
on the sea-coast - rashly announced his wish to propose a toast.
After several ineffectual attempts to preserve his perpendicular,
the young gentleman, having managed to hook himself to the centre
leg of the table with his left hand, proceeded as follows:

'Ladies and gentlemen.  A gentleman is among us - I may say a
stranger - (here some painful thought seemed to strike the orator;
he paused, and looked extremely odd) - whose talents, whose
travels, whose cheerfulness - '

'I beg your pardon, Edkins,' hastily interrupted Mr. Percy Noakes,
- 'Hardy, what's the matter?'

'Nothing,' replied the 'funny gentleman,' who had just life enough
left to utter two consecutive syllables.

'Will you have some brandy?'

'No!' replied Hardy in a tone of great indignation, and looking as
comfortable as Temple-bar in a Scotch mist; 'what should I want
brandy for?'

'Will you go on deck?'

'No, I will NOT.'  This was said with a most determined air, and in
a voice which might have been taken for an imitation of anything;
it was quite as much like a guinea-pig as a bassoon.

'I beg your pardon, Edkins,' said the courteous Percy; 'I thought
our friend was ill.  Pray go on.'

A pause.

'Pray go on.'

'Mr. Edkins IS gone,' cried somebody.

'I beg your pardon, sir,' said the steward, running up to Mr. Percy
Noakes, 'I beg your pardon, sir, but the gentleman as just went on
deck - him with the green spectacles - is uncommon bad, to be sure;
and the young man as played the wiolin says, that unless he has
some brandy he can't answer for the consequences.  He says he has a
wife and two children, whose werry subsistence depends on his
breaking a wessel, and he expects to do so every moment.  The
flageolet's been werry ill, but he's better, only he's in a
dreadful prusperation.'

All disguise was now useless; the company staggered on deck; the
gentlemen tried to see nothing but the clouds; and the ladies,
muffled up in such shawls and cloaks as they had brought with them,
lay about on the seats, and under the seats, in the most wretched
condition.  Never was such a blowing, and raining, and pitching,
and tossing, endured by any pleasure party before.  Several
remonstrances were sent down below, on the subject of Master
Fleetwood, but they were totally unheeded in consequence of the
indisposition of his natural protectors.  That interesting child
screamed at the top of his voice, until he had no voice left to
scream with; and then, Miss Wakefield began, and screamed for the
remainder of the passage.

Mr. Hardy was observed, some hours afterwards, in an attitude which
induced his friends to suppose that he was busily engaged in
contemplating the beauties of the deep; they only regretted that
his taste for the picturesque should lead him to remain so long in
a position, very injurious at all times, but especially so, to an
individual labouring under a tendency of blood to the head.

The party arrived off the Custom-house at about two o'clock on the
Thursday morning dispirited and worn out.  The Tauntons were too
ill to quarrel with the Briggses, and the Briggses were too
wretched to annoy the Tauntons.  One of the guitar-cases was lost
on its passage to a hackney-coach, and Mrs. Briggs has not scrupled
to state that the Tauntons bribed a porter to throw it down an
area.  Mr. Alexander Briggs opposes vote by ballot - he says from
personal experience of its inefficacy; and Mr. Samuel Briggs,
whenever he is asked to express his sentiments on the point, says
he has no opinion on that or any other subject.

Mr. Edkins - the young gentleman in the green spectacles - makes a
speech on every occasion on which a speech can possibly be made:
the eloquence of which can only be equalled by its length.  In the
event of his not being previously appointed to a judgeship, it is
probable that he will practise as a barrister in the New Central
Criminal Court.

Captain Helves continued his attention to Miss Julia Briggs, whom
he might possibly have espoused, if it had not unfortunately
happened that Mr. Samuel arrested him, in the way of business,
pursuant to instructions received from Messrs.  Scroggins and
Payne, whose town-debts the gallant captain had condescended to
collect, but whose accounts, with the indiscretion sometimes
peculiar to military minds, he had omitted to keep with that dull
accuracy which custom has rendered necessary.  Mrs. Taunton
complains that she has been much deceived in him.  He introduced
himself to the family on board a Gravesend steam-packet, and
certainly, therefore, ought to have proved respectable.

Mr. Percy Noakes is as light-hearted and careless as ever.



CHAPTER VIII - THE GREAT WINGLEBURY DUEL



The little town of Great Winglebury is exactly forty-two miles and
three-quarters from Hyde Park corner.  It has a long, straggling,
quiet High-street, with a great black and white clock at a small
red Town-hall, half-way up - a market-place - a cage - an assembly-
room - a church - a bridge - a chapel - a theatre - a library - an
inn - a pump - and a Post-office.  Tradition tells of a 'Little
Winglebury,' down some cross-road about two miles off; and, as a
square mass of dirty paper, supposed to have been originally
intended for a letter, with certain tremulous characters inscribed
thereon, in which a lively imagination might trace a remote
resemblance to the word 'Little,' was once stuck up to be owned in
the sunny window of the Great Winglebury Post-office, from which it
only disappeared when it fell to pieces with dust and extreme old
age, there would appear to be some foundation for the legend.
Common belief is inclined to bestow the name upon a little hole at
the end of a muddy lane about a couple of miles long, colonised by
one wheelwright, four paupers, and a beer-shop; but, even this
authority, slight as it is, must be regarded with extreme
suspicion, inasmuch as the inhabitants of the hole aforesaid,
concur in opining that it never had any name at all, from the
earliest ages down to the present day.

The Winglebury Arms, in the centre of the High-street, opposite the
small building with the big clock, is the principal inn of Great
Winglebury - the commercial-inn, posting-house, and excise-office;
the 'Blue' house at every election, and the judges' house at every
assizes.  It is the head-quarters of the Gentlemen's Whist Club of
Winglebury Blues (so called in opposition to the Gentlemen's Whist
Club of Winglebury Buffs, held at the other house, a little further
down):  and whenever a juggler, or wax-work man, or concert-giver,
takes Great Winglebury in his circuit, it is immediately placarded
all over the town that Mr. So-and-so, 'trusting to that liberal
support which the inhabitants of Great Winglebury have long been so
liberal in bestowing, has at a great expense engaged the elegant
and commodious assembly-rooms, attached to the Winglebury Arms.'
The house is a large one, with a red brick and stone front; a
pretty spacious hall, ornamented with evergreen plants, terminates
in a perspective view of the bar, and a glass case, in which are
displayed a choice variety of delicacies ready for dressing, to
catch the eye of a new-comer the moment he enters, and excite his
appetite to the highest possible pitch.  Opposite doors lead to the
'coffee' and 'commercial' rooms; and a great wide, rambling
staircase, - three stairs and a landing - four stairs and another
landing - one step and another landing - half-a-dozen stairs and
another landing - and so on - conducts to galleries of bedrooms,
and labyrinths of sitting-rooms, denominated 'private,' where you
may enjoy yourself, as privately as you can in any place where some
bewildered being walks into your room every five minutes, by
mistake, and then walks out again, to open all the doors along the
gallery until he finds his own.

Such is the Winglebury Arms, at this day, and such was the
Winglebury Arms some time since - no matter when - two or three
minutes before the arrival of the London stage.  Four horses with
cloths on - change for a coach - were standing quietly at the
corner of the yard surrounded by a listless group of post-boys in
shiny hats and smock-frocks, engaged in discussing the merits of
the cattle; half a dozen ragged boys were standing a little apart,
listening with evident interest to the conversation of these
worthies; and a few loungers were collected round the horse-trough,
awaiting the arrival of the coach.

The day was hot and sunny, the town in the zenith of its dulness,
and with the exception of these few idlers, not a living creature
was to be seen.  Suddenly, the loud notes of a key-bugle broke the
monotonous stillness of the street; in came the coach, rattling
over the uneven paving with a noise startling enough to stop even
the large-faced clock itself.  Down got the outsides, up went the
windows in all directions, out came the waiters, up started the
ostlers, and the loungers, and the post-boys, and the ragged boys,
as if they were electrified - unstrapping, and unchaining, and
unbuckling, and dragging willing horses out, and forcing reluctant
horses in, and making a most exhilarating bustle.  'Lady inside,
here!' said the guard.  'Please to alight, ma'am,' said the waiter.
'Private sitting-room?' interrogated the lady.  'Certainly, ma'am,'
responded the chamber-maid.  'Nothing but these 'ere trunks,
ma'am?' inquired the guard.  'Nothing more,' replied the lady.  Up
got the outsides again, and the guard, and the coachman; off came
the cloths, with a jerk; 'All right,' was the cry; and away they
went.  The loungers lingered a minute or two in the road, watching
the coach until it turned the corner, and then loitered away one by
one.  The street was clear again, and the town, by contrast,
quieter than ever.

'Lady in number twenty-five,' screamed the landlady. - 'Thomas!'

'Yes, ma'am.'

'Letter just been left for the gentleman in number nineteen.  Boots
at the Lion left it.  No answer.'

'Letter for you, sir,' said Thomas, depositing the letter on number
nineteen's table.

'For me?' said number nineteen, turning from the window, out of
which he had been surveying the scene just described.

'Yes, sir,' - (waiters always speak in hints, and never utter
complete sentences,) - 'yes, sir, - Boots at the Lion, sir, - Bar,
sir, - Missis said number nineteen, sir - Alexander Trott, Esq.,
sir? - Your card at the bar, sir, I think, sir?'

'My name IS Trott,' replied number nineteen, breaking the seal.
'You may go, waiter.'  The waiter pulled down the window-blind, and
then pulled it up again - for a regular waiter must do something
before he leaves the room - adjusted the glasses on the side-board,
brushed a place that was NOT dusty, rubbed his hands very hard,
walked stealthily to the door, and evaporated.

There was, evidently, something in the contents of the letter, of a
nature, if not wholly unexpected, certainly extremely disagreeable.
Mr. Alexander Trott laid it down, and took it up again, and walked
about the room on particular squares of the carpet, and even
attempted, though unsuccessfully, to whistle an air.  It wouldn't
do.  He threw himself into a chair, and read the following epistle
aloud:-


'Blue Lion and Stomach-warmer,
'Great Winglebury.
'Wednesday Morning.

'Sir.  Immediately on discovering your intentions, I left our
counting-house, and followed you.  I know the purport of your
journey; - that journey shall never be completed.

'I have no friend here, just now, on whose secrecy I can rely.
This shall be no obstacle to my revenge.  Neither shall Emily Brown
be exposed to the mercenary solicitations of a scoundrel, odious in
her eyes, and contemptible in everybody else's:  nor will I tamely
submit to the clandestine attacks of a base umbrella-maker.

'Sir.  From Great Winglebury church, a footpath leads through four
meadows to a retired spot known to the townspeople as Stiffun's
Acre.'  [Mr. Trott shuddered.]  'I shall be waiting there alone, at
twenty minutes before six o'clock to-morrow morning.  Should I be
disappointed in seeing you there, I will do myself the pleasure of
calling with a horsewhip.

'HORACE HUNTER.

'PS.  There is a gunsmiths in the High-street; and they won't sell
gunpowder after dark - you understand me.

'PPS.  You had better not order your breakfast in the morning until
you have met me.  It may be an unnecessary expense.'


'Desperate-minded villain!  I knew how it would be!' ejaculated the
terrified Trott.  'I always told father, that once start me on this
expedition, and Hunter would pursue me like the Wandering Jew.
It's bad enough as it is, to marry with the old people's commands,
and without the girl's consent; but what will Emily think of me, if
I go down there breathless with running away from this infernal
salamander?  What SHALL I do?  What CAN I do?  If I go back to the
city, I'm disgraced for ever - lose the girl - and, what's more,
lose the money too.  Even if I did go on to the Browns' by the
coach, Hunter would be after me in a post-chaise; and if I go to
this place, this Stiffun's Acre (another shudder), I'm as good as
dead.  I've seen him hit the man at the Pall-mall shooting-gallery,
in the second button-hole of the waistcoat, five times out of every
six, and when he didn't hit him there, he hit him in the head.'
With this consolatory reminiscence Mr. Alexander Trott again
ejaculated, 'What shall I do?'

Long and weary were his reflections, as, burying his face in his
hand, he sat, ruminating on the best course to be pursued.  His
mental direction-post pointed to London.  He thought of the
'governor's' anger, and the loss of the fortune which the paternal
Brown had promised the paternal Trott his daughter should
contribute to the coffers of his son.  Then the words 'To Brown's'
were legibly inscribed on the said direction-post, but Horace
Hunter's denunciation rung in his ears; - last of all it bore, in
red letters, the words, 'To Stiffun's Acre;' and then Mr. Alexander
Trott decided on adopting a plan which he presently matured.

First and foremost, he despatched the under-boots to the Blue Lion
and Stomach-warmer, with a gentlemanly note to Mr. Horace Hunter,
intimating that he thirsted for his destruction and would do
himself the pleasure of slaughtering him next morning, without
fail.  He then wrote another letter, and requested the attendance
of the other boots - for they kept a pair.  A modest knock at the
room door was heard.  'Come in,' said Mr. Trott.  A man thrust in a
red head with one eye in it, and being again desired to 'come in,'
brought in the body and the legs to which the head belonged, and a
fur cap which belonged to the head.

'You are the upper-boots, I think?' inquired Mr. Trott.

'Yes, I am the upper-boots,' replied a voice from inside a
velveteen case, with mother-of-pearl buttons - 'that is, I'm the
boots as b'longs to the house; the other man's my man, as goes
errands and does odd jobs.  Top-boots and half-boots, I calls us.'

'You're from London?' inquired Mr. Trott.

'Driv a cab once,' was the laconic reply.

'Why don't you drive it now?' asked Mr. Trott.

'Over-driv the cab, and driv over a 'ooman,' replied the top-boots,
with brevity.

'Do you know the mayor's house?' inquired Mr. Trott.

'Rather,' replied the boots, significantly, as if he had some good
reason to remember it.

'Do you think you could manage to leave a letter there?'
interrogated Trott.

'Shouldn't wonder,' responded boots.

'But this letter,' said Trott, holding a deformed note with a
paralytic direction in one hand, and five shillings in the other -
'this letter is anonymous.'

'A - what?' interrupted the boots.

'Anonymous - he's not to know who it comes from.'

'Oh!  I see,' responded the reg'lar, with a knowing wink, but
without evincing the slightest disinclination to undertake the
charge - 'I see - bit o' Sving, eh?' and his one eye wandered round
the room, as if in quest of a dark lantern and phosphorus-box.
'But, I say!' he continued, recalling the eye from its search, and
bringing it to bear on Mr. Trott.  'I say, he's a lawyer, our
mayor, and insured in the County.  If you've a spite agen him,
you'd better not burn his house down - blessed if I don't think it
would be the greatest favour you could do him.'  And he chuckled
inwardly.

If Mr. Alexander Trott had been in any other situation, his first
act would have been to kick the man down-stairs by deputy; or, in
other words, to ring the bell, and desire the landlord to take his
boots off.  He contented himself, however, with doubling the fee
and explaining that the letter merely related to a breach of the
peace.  The top-boots retired, solemnly pledged to secrecy; and Mr.
Alexander Trott sat down to a fried sole, maintenon cutlet,
Madeira, and sundries, with greater composure than he had
experienced since the receipt of Horace Hunter's letter of
defiance.

The lady who alighted from the London coach had no sooner been
installed in number twenty-five, and made some alteration in her
travelling-dress, than she indited a note to Joseph Overton,
esquire, solicitor, and mayor of Great Winglebury, requesting his
immediate attendance on private business of paramount importance -
a summons which that worthy functionary lost no time in obeying;
for after sundry openings of his eyes, divers ejaculations of
'Bless me!' and other manifestations of surprise, he took his
broad-brimmed hat from its accustomed peg in his little front
office, and walked briskly down the High-street to the Winglebury
Arms; through the hall and up the staircase of which establishment
he was ushered by the landlady, and a crowd of officious waiters,
to the door of number twenty-five.

'Show the gentleman in,' said the stranger lady, in reply to the
foremost waiter's announcement.  The gentleman was shown in
accordingly.

The lady rose from the sofa; the mayor advanced a step from the
door; and there they both paused, for a minute or two, looking at
one another as if by mutual consent.  The mayor saw before him a
buxom, richly-dressed female of about forty; the lady looked upon a
sleek man, about ten years older, in drab shorts and continuations,
black coat, neckcloth, and gloves.

'Miss Julia Manners!' exclaimed the mayor at length, 'you astonish
me.'

'That's very unfair of you, Overton,' replied Miss Julia, 'for I
have known you, long enough, not to be surprised at anything you
do, and you might extend equal courtesy to me.'

'But to run away - actually run away - with a young man!'
remonstrated the mayor.

'You wouldn't have me actually run away with an old one, I
presume?' was the cool rejoinder.

'And then to ask me - me - of all people in the world - a man of my
age and appearance - mayor of the town - to promote such a scheme!'
pettishly ejaculated Joseph Overton; throwing himself into an arm-
chair, and producing Miss Julia's letter from his pocket, as if to
corroborate the assertion that he HAD been asked.

'Now, Overton,' replied the lady, 'I want your assistance in this
matter, and I must have it.  In the lifetime of that poor old dear,
Mr. Cornberry, who - who - '

'Who was to have married you, and didn't, because he died first;
and who left you his property unencumbered with the addition of
himself,' suggested the mayor.

'Well,' replied Miss Julia, reddening slightly, 'in the lifetime of
the poor old dear, the property had the incumbrance of your
management; and all I will say of that, is, that I only wonder it
didn't die of consumption instead of its master.  You helped
yourself then:- help me now.'

Mr. Joseph Overton was a man of the world, and an attorney; and as
certain indistinct recollections of an odd thousand pounds or two,
appropriated by mistake, passed across his mind he hemmed
deprecatingly, smiled blandly, remained silent for a few seconds;
and finally inquired, 'What do you wish me to do?'

'I'll tell you,' replied Miss Julia - 'I'll tell you in three
words.  Dear Lord Peter - '

'That's the young man, I suppose - ' interrupted the mayor.

'That's the young Nobleman,' replied the lady, with a great stress
on the last word.  'Dear Lord Peter is considerably afraid of the
resentment of his family; and we have therefore thought it better
to make the match a stolen one.  He left town, to avoid suspicion,
on a visit to his friend, the Honourable Augustus Flair, whose
seat, as you know, is about thirty miles from this, accompanied
only by his favourite tiger.  We arranged that I should come here
alone in the London coach; and that he, leaving his tiger and cab
behind him, should come on, and arrive here as soon as possible
this afternoon.'

'Very well,' observed Joseph Overton, 'and then he can order the
chaise, and you can go on to Gretna Green together, without
requiring the presence or interference of a third party, can't
you?'

'No,' replied Miss Julia.  'We have every reason to believe - dear
Lord Peter not being considered very prudent or sagacious by his
friends, and they having discovered his attachment to me - that,
immediately on his absence being observed, pursuit will be made in
this direction:- to elude which, and to prevent our being traced, I
wish it to be understood in this house, that dear Lord Peter is
slightly deranged, though perfectly harmless; and that I am,
unknown to him, awaiting his arrival to convey him in a post-chaise
to a private asylum - at Berwick, say.  If I don't show myself
much, I dare say I can manage to pass for his mother.'

The thought occurred to the mayor's mind that the lady might show
herself a good deal without fear of detection; seeing that she was
about double the age of her intended husband.  He said nothing,
however, and the lady proceeded.

'With the whole of this arrangement dear Lord Peter is acquainted;
and all I want you to do, is, to make the delusion more complete by
giving it the sanction of your influence in this place, and
assigning this as a reason to the people of the house for my taking
the young gentleman away.  As it would not be consistent with the
story that I should see him until after he has entered the chaise,
I also wish you to communicate with him, and inform him that it is
all going on well.'

'Has he arrived?' inquired Overton.

'I don't know,' replied the lady.

'Then how am I to know!' inquired the mayor.  'Of course he will
not give his own name at the bar.'

'I begged him, immediately on his arrival, to write you a note,'
replied Miss Manners; 'and to prevent the possibility of our
project being discovered through its means, I desired him to write
anonymously, and in mysterious terms, to acquaint you with the
number of his room.'

'Bless me!' exclaimed the mayor, rising from his seat, and
searching his pockets - 'most extraordinary circumstance - he has
arrived - mysterious note left at my house in a most mysterious
manner, just before yours - didn't know what to make of it before,
and certainly shouldn't have attended to it. - Oh! here it is.'
And Joseph Overton pulled out of an inner coat-pocket the identical
letter penned by Alexander Trott.  'Is this his lordship's hand?'

'Oh yes,' replied Julia; 'good, punctual creature!  I have not seen
it more than once or twice, but I know he writes very badly and
very large.  These dear, wild young noblemen, you know, Overton - '

'Ay, ay, I see,' replied the mayor. - 'Horses and dogs, play and
wine - grooms, actresses, and cigars - the stable, the green-room,
the saloon, and the tavern; and the legislative assembly at last.'

'Here's what he says,' pursued the mayor; '"Sir, - A young
gentleman in number nineteen at the Winglebury Arms, is bent on
committing a rash act to-morrow morning at an early hour."  (That's
good - he means marrying.)  "If you have any regard for the peace
of this town, or the preservation of one - it may be two - human
lives" - What the deuce does he mean by that?'

'That he's so anxious for the ceremony, he will expire if it's put
off, and that I may possibly do the same,' replied the lady with
great complacency.

'Oh!  I see - not much fear of that; - well - "two human lives, you
will cause him to be removed to-night."  (He wants to start at
once.)  "Fear not to do this on your responsibility:  for to-morrow
the absolute necessity of the proceeding will be but too apparent.
Remember:  number nineteen.  The name is Trott.  No delay; for life
and death depend upon your promptitude."  Passionate language,
certainly.  Shall I see him?'

'Do,' replied Miss Julia; 'and entreat him to act his part well.  I
am half afraid of him.  Tell him to be cautious.'

'I will,' said the mayor.

'Settle all the arrangements.'

'I will,' said the mayor again.

'And say I think the chaise had better be ordered for one o'clock.'

'Very well,' said the mayor once more; and, ruminating on the
absurdity of the situation in which fate and old acquaintance had
placed him, he desired a waiter to herald his approach to the
temporary representative of number nineteen.

The announcement, 'Gentleman to speak with you, sir,' induced Mr.
Trott to pause half-way in the glass of port, the contents of which
he was in the act of imbibing at the moment; to rise from his
chair; and retreat a few paces towards the window, as if to secure
a retreat, in the event of the visitor assuming the form and
appearance of Horace Hunter.  One glance at Joseph Overton,
however, quieted his apprehensions.  He courteously motioned the
stranger to a seat.  The waiter, after a little jingling with the
decanter and glasses, consented to leave the room; and Joseph
Overton, placing the broad-brimmed hat on the chair next him, and
bending his body gently forward, opened the business by saying in a
very low and cautious tone,

'My lord - '

'Eh?' said Mr. Alexander Trott, in a loud key, with the vacant and
mystified stare of a chilly somnambulist.

'Hush - hush!' said the cautious attorney:  'to be sure - quite
right - no titles here - my name is Overton, sir.'

'Overton?'

'Yes:  the mayor of this place - you sent me a letter with
anonymous information, this afternoon.'

'I, sir?' exclaimed Trott with ill-dissembled surprise; for, coward
as he was, he would willingly have repudiated the authorship of the
letter in question.  'I, sir?'

'Yes, you, sir; did you not?' responded Overton, annoyed with what
he supposed to be an extreme degree of unnecessary suspicion.
'Either this letter is yours, or it is not.  If it be, we can
converse securely upon the subject at once.  If it be not, of
course I have no more to say.'

'Stay, stay,' said Trott, 'it IS mine; I DID write it.  What could
I do, sir?  I had no friend here.'

'To be sure, to be sure,' said the mayor, encouragingly, 'you could
not have managed it better.  Well, sir; it will be necessary for
you to leave here to-night in a post-chaise and four.  And the
harder the boys drive, the better.  You are not safe from pursuit.'

'Bless me!' exclaimed Trott, in an agony of apprehension, 'can such
things happen in a country like this?  Such unrelenting and cold-
blooded hostility!'  He wiped off the concentrated essence of
cowardice that was oozing fast down his forehead, and looked aghast
at Joseph Overton.

'It certainly is a very hard case,' replied the mayor with a smile,
'that, in a free country, people can't marry whom they like,
without being hunted down as if they were criminals.  However, in
the present instance the lady is willing, you know, and that's the
main point, after all.'

'Lady willing,' repeated Trott, mechanically.  'How do you know the
lady's willing?'

'Come, that's a good one,' said the mayor, benevolently tapping Mr.
Trott on the arm with his broad-brimmed hat; 'I have known her,
well, for a long time; and if anybody could entertain the remotest
doubt on the subject, I assure you I have none, nor need you have.'

'Dear me!' said Mr. Trott, ruminating.  'This is VERY
extraordinary!'

'Well, Lord Peter,' said the mayor, rising.

'Lord Peter?' repeated Mr. Trott.

'Oh - ah, I forgot.  Mr. Trott, then - Trott - very good, ha! ha! -
Well, sir, the chaise shall be ready at half-past twelve.'

'And what is to become of me until then?' inquired Mr. Trott,
anxiously.  'Wouldn't it save appearances, if I were placed under
some restraint?'

'Ah!' replied Overton, 'very good thought - capital idea indeed.
I'll send somebody up directly.  And if you make a little
resistance when we put you in the chaise it wouldn't be amiss -
look as if you didn't want to be taken away, you know.'

'To be sure,' said Trott - 'to be sure.'

'Well, my lord,' said Overton, in a low tone, 'until then, I wish
your lordship a good evening.'

'Lord - lordship?' ejaculated Trott again, falling back a step or
two, and gazing, in unutterable wonder, on the countenance of the
mayor.

'Ha-ha!  I see, my lord - practising the madman? - very good indeed
- very vacant look - capital, my lord, capital - good evening, Mr.
- Trott - ha! ha! ha!'

'That mayor's decidedly drunk,' soliloquised Mr. Trott, throwing
himself back in his chair, in an attitude of reflection.

'He is a much cleverer fellow than I thought him, that young
nobleman - he carries it off uncommonly well,' thought Overton, as
he went his way to the bar, there to complete his arrangements.
This was soon done.  Every word of the story was implicitly
believed, and the one-eyed boots was immediately instructed to
repair to number nineteen, to act as custodian of the person of the
supposed lunatic until half-past twelve o'clock.  In pursuance of
this direction, that somewhat eccentric gentleman armed himself
with a walking-stick of gigantic dimensions, and repaired, with his
usual equanimity of manner, to Mr. Trott's apartment, which he
entered without any ceremony, and mounted guard in, by quietly
depositing himself on a chair near the door, where he proceeded to
beguile the time by whistling a popular air with great apparent
satisfaction.

'What do you want here, you scoundrel?' exclaimed Mr. Alexander
Trott, with a proper appearance of indignation at his detention.

The boots beat time with his head, as he looked gently round at Mr.
Trott with a smile of pity, and whistled an ADAGIO movement.

'Do you attend in this room by Mr. Overton's desire?' inquired
Trott, rather astonished at the man's demeanour.

'Keep yourself to yourself, young feller,' calmly responded the
boots, 'and don't say nothing to nobody.'  And he whistled again.

'Now mind!' ejaculated Mr. Trott, anxious to keep up the farce of
wishing with great earnestness to fight a duel if they'd let him.
'I protest against being kept here.  I deny that I have any
intention of fighting with anybody.  But as it's useless contending
with superior numbers, I shall sit quietly down.'

'You'd better,' observed the placid boots, shaking the large stick
expressively.

'Under protest, however,' added Alexander Trott, seating himself
with indignation in his face, but great content in his heart.
'Under protest.'

'Oh, certainly!' responded the boots; 'anything you please.  If
you're happy, I'm transported; only don't talk too much - it'll
make you worse.'

'Make me worse?' exclaimed Trott, in unfeigned astonishment:  'the
man's drunk!'

'You'd better be quiet, young feller,' remarked the boots, going
through a threatening piece of pantomime with the stick.

'Or mad!' said Mr. Trott, rather alarmed.  'Leave the room, sir,
and tell them to send somebody else.'

'Won't do!' replied the boots.

'Leave the room!' shouted Trott, ringing the bell violently:  for
he began to be alarmed on a new score.

'Leave that 'ere bell alone, you wretched loo-nattic!' said the
boots, suddenly forcing the unfortunate Trott back into his chair,
and brandishing the stick aloft.  'Be quiet, you miserable object,
and don't let everybody know there's a madman in the house.'

'He IS a madman!  He IS a madman!' exclaimed the terrified Mr.
Trott, gazing on the one eye of the red-headed boots with a look of
abject horror.

'Madman!' replied the boots, 'dam'me, I think he IS a madman with a
vengeance!  Listen to me, you unfortunate.  Ah! would you?' [a
slight tap on the head with the large stick, as Mr. Trott made
another move towards the bell-handle] 'I caught you there! did I?'

'Spare my life!' exclaimed Trott, raising his hands imploringly.

'I don't want your life,' replied the boots, disdainfully, 'though
I think it 'ud be a charity if somebody took it.'

'No, no, it wouldn't,' interrupted poor Mr. Trott, hurriedly, 'no,
no, it wouldn't!  I - I-'d rather keep it!'

'O werry well,' said the boots:  'that's a mere matter of taste -
ev'ry one to his liking.  Hows'ever, all I've got to say is this
here:  You sit quietly down in that chair, and I'll sit hoppersite
you here, and if you keep quiet and don't stir, I won't damage you;
but, if you move hand or foot till half-past twelve o'clock, I
shall alter the expression of your countenance so completely, that
the next time you look in the glass you'll ask vether you're gone
out of town, and ven you're likely to come back again.  So sit
down."

'I will - I will,' responded the victim of mistakes; and down sat
Mr. Trott and down sat the boots too, exactly opposite him, with
the stick ready for immediate action in case of emergency.

Long and dreary were the hours that followed.  The bell of Great
Winglebury church had just struck ten, and two hours and a half
would probably elapse before succour arrived.

For half an hour, the noise occasioned by shutting up the shops in
the street beneath, betokened something like life in the town, and
rendered Mr. Trott's situation a little less insupportable; but,
when even these ceased, and nothing was heard beyond the occasional
rattling of a post-chaise as it drove up the yard to change horses,
and then drove away again, or the clattering of horses' hoofs in
the stables behind, it became almost unbearable.  The boots
occasionally moved an inch or two, to knock superfluous bits of wax
off the candles, which were burning low, but instantaneously
resumed his former position; and as he remembered to have heard,
somewhere or other, that the human eye had an unfailing effect in
controlling mad people, he kept his solitary organ of vision
constantly fixed on Mr. Alexander Trott.  That unfortunate
individual stared at his companion in his turn, until his features
grew more and more indistinct - his hair gradually less red - and
the room more misty and obscure.  Mr. Alexander Trott fell into a
sound sleep, from which he was awakened by a rumbling in the
street, and a cry of 'Chaise-and-four for number twenty-five!'  A
bustle on the stairs succeeded; the room door was hastily thrown
open; and Mr. Joseph Overton entered, followed by four stout
waiters, and Mrs. Williamson, the stout landlady of the Winglebury
Arms.

'Mr. Overton!' exclaimed Mr. Alexander Trott, jumping up in a
frenzy.  'Look at this man, sir; consider the situation in which I
have been placed for three hours past - the person you sent to
guard me, sir, was a madman - a madman - a raging, ravaging,
furious madman.'

'Bravo!' whispered Mr. Overton.

'Poor dear!' said the compassionate Mrs. Williamson, 'mad people
always thinks other people's mad.'

'Poor dear!' ejaculated Mr. Alexander Trott.  'What the devil do
you mean by poor dear!  Are you the landlady of this house?'

'Yes, yes,' replied the stout old lady, 'don't exert yourself,
there's a dear!  Consider your health, now; do.'

'Exert myself!' shouted Mr. Alexander Trott; 'it's a mercy, ma'am,
that I have any breath to exert myself with!  I might have been
assassinated three hours ago by that one-eyed monster with the
oakum head.  How dare you have a madman, ma'am - how dare you have
a madman, to assault and terrify the visitors to your house?'

'I'll never have another,' said Mrs. Williamson, casting a look of
reproach at the mayor.

'Capital, capital,' whispered Overton again, as he enveloped Mr.
Alexander Trott in a thick travelling-cloak.

'Capital, sir!' exclaimed Trott, aloud; 'it's horrible.  The very
recollection makes me shudder.  I'd rather fight four duels in
three hours, if I survived the first three, than I'd sit for that
time face to face with a madman.'

'Keep it up, my lord, as you go down-stairs,' whispered Overton,
'your bill is paid, and your portmanteau in the chaise.'  And then
he added aloud, 'Now, waiters, the gentleman's ready.'

At this signal, the waiters crowded round Mr. Alexander Trott.  One
took one arm; another, the other; a third, walked before with a
candle; the fourth, behind with another candle; the boots and Mrs.
Williamson brought up the rear; and down-stairs they went:  Mr.
Alexander Trott expressing alternately at the very top of his voice
either his feigned reluctance to go, or his unfeigned indignation
at being shut up with a madman.

Mr. Overton was waiting at the chaise-door, the boys were ready
mounted, and a few ostlers and stable nondescripts were standing
round to witness the departure of 'the mad gentleman.'  Mr.
Alexander Trott's foot was on the step, when he observed (which the
dim light had prevented his doing before) a figure seated in the
chaise, closely muffled up in a cloak like his own.

'Who's that?' he inquired of Overton, in a whisper.

'Hush, hush,' replied the mayor:  'the other party of course.'

'The other party!' exclaimed Trott, with an effort to retreat.

'Yes, yes; you'll soon find that out, before you go far, I should
think - but make a noise, you'll excite suspicion if you whisper to
me so much.'

'I won't go in this chaise!' shouted Mr. Alexander Trott, all his
original fears recurring with tenfold violence.  'I shall be
assassinated - I shall be - '

'Bravo, bravo,' whispered Overton.  'I'll push you in.'

'But I won't go,' exclaimed Mr. Trott.  'Help here, help!  They're
carrying me away against my will.  This is a plot to murder me.'

'Poor dear!' said Mrs. Williamson again.

'Now, boys, put 'em along,' cried the mayor, pushing Trott in and
slamming the door.  'Off with you, as quick as you can, and stop
for nothing till you come to the next stage - all right!'

'Horses are paid, Tom,' screamed Mrs. Williamson; and away went the
chaise, at the rate of fourteen miles an hour, with Mr. Alexander
Trott and Miss Julia Manners carefully shut up in the inside.

Mr. Alexander Trott remained coiled up in one corner of the chaise,
and his mysterious companion in the other, for the first two or
three miles; Mr. Trott edging more and more into his corner, as he
felt his companion gradually edging more and more from hers; and
vainly endeavouring in the darkness to catch a glimpse of the
furious face of the supposed Horace Hunter.

'We may speak now,' said his fellow-traveller, at length; 'the
post-boys can neither see nor hear us.'

'That's not Hunter's voice!' - thought Alexander, astonished.

'Dear Lord Peter!' said Miss Julia, most winningly:  putting her
arm on Mr. Trott's shoulder.  'Dear Lord Peter.  Not a word?'

'Why, it's a woman!' exclaimed Mr. Trott, in a low tone of
excessive wonder.

'Ah!  Whose voice is that?' said Julia; ''tis not Lord Peter's.'

'No, - it's mine,' replied Mr. Trott.

'Yours!' ejaculated Miss Julia Manners; 'a strange man!  Gracious
heaven!  How came you here!'

'Whoever you are, you might have known that I came against my will,
ma'am,' replied Alexander, 'for I made noise enough when I got in.'

'Do you come from Lord Peter?' inquired Miss Manners.

'Confound Lord Peter,' replied Trott pettishly.  'I don't know any
Lord Peter.  I never heard of him before to-night, when I've been
Lord Peter'd by one and Lord Peter'd by another, till I verily
believe I'm mad, or dreaming - '

'Whither are we going?' inquired the lady tragically.

'How should I know, ma'am?' replied Trott with singular coolness;
for the events of the evening had completely hardened him.

'Stop stop!' cried the lady, letting down the front glasses of the
chaise.

'Stay, my dear ma'am!' said Mr. Trott, pulling the glasses up again
with one hand, and gently squeezing Miss Julia's waist with the
other.  'There is some mistake here; give me till the end of this
stage to explain my share of it.  We must go so far; you cannot be
set down here alone, at this hour of the night.'

The lady consented; the mistake was mutually explained.  Mr. Trott
was a young man, had highly promising whiskers, an undeniable
tailor, and an insinuating address - he wanted nothing but valour,
and who wants that with three thousand a-year?  The lady had this,
and more; she wanted a young husband, and the only course open to
Mr. Trott to retrieve his disgrace was a rich wife.  So, they came
to the conclusion that it would be a pity to have all this trouble
and expense for nothing; and that as they were so far on the road
already, they had better go to Gretna Green, and marry each other;
and they did so.  And the very next preceding entry in the
Blacksmith's book, was an entry of the marriage of Emily Brown with
Horace Hunter.  Mr. Hunter took his wife home, and begged pardon,
and WAS pardoned; and Mr. Trott took HIS wife home, begged pardon
too, and was pardoned also.  And Lord Peter, who had been detained
beyond his time by drinking champagne and riding a steeple-chase,
went back to the Honourable Augustus Flair's, and drank more
champagne, and rode another steeple-chase, and was thrown and
killed.  And Horace Hunter took great credit to himself for
practising on the cowardice of Alexander Trott; and all these
circumstances were discovered in time, and carefully noted down;
and if you ever stop a week at the Winglebury Arms, they will give
you just this account of The Great Winglebury Duel.



CHAPTER IX - MRS. JOSEPH PORTER



Most extensive were the preparations at Rose Villa, Clapham Rise,
in the occupation of Mr. Gattleton (a stock-broker in especially
comfortable circumstances), and great was the anxiety of Mr.
Gattleton's interesting family, as the day fixed for the
representation of the Private Play which had been 'many months in
preparation,' approached.  The whole family was infected with the
mania for Private Theatricals; the house, usually so clean and
tidy, was, to use Mr. Gattleton's expressive description,
'regularly turned out o' windows;' the large dining-room,
dismantled of its furniture, and ornaments, presented a strange
jumble of flats, flies, wings, lamps, bridges, clouds, thunder and
lightning, festoons and flowers, daggers and foil, and various
other messes in theatrical slang included under the comprehensive
name of 'properties.'  The bedrooms were crowded with scenery, the
kitchen was occupied by carpenters.  Rehearsals took place every
other night in the drawing-room, and every sofa in the house was
more or less damaged by the perseverance and spirit with which Mr.
Sempronius Gattleton, and Miss Lucina, rehearsed the smothering
scene in 'Othello' - it having been determined that that tragedy
should form the first portion of the evening's entertainments.

'When we're a LEETLE more perfect, I think it will go admirably,'
said Mr. Sempronius, addressing his CORPS DRAMATIQUE, at the
conclusion of the hundred and fiftieth rehearsal.  In consideration
of his sustaining the trifling inconvenience of bearing all the
expenses of the play, Mr. Sempronius had been, in the most handsome
manner, unanimously elected stage-manager.  'Evans,' continued Mr.
Gattleton, the younger, addressing a tall, thin, pale young
gentleman, with extensive whiskers - 'Evans, you play RODERIGO
beautifully.'

'Beautifully,' echoed the three Miss Gattletons; for Mr. Evans was
pronounced by all his lady friends to be 'quite a dear.'  He looked
so interesting, and had such lovely whiskers:  to say nothing of
his talent for writing verses in albums and playing the flute!
RODERIGO simpered and bowed.

'But I think,' added the manager, 'you are hardly perfect in the -
fall - in the fencing-scene, where you are - you understand?'

'It's very difficult,' said Mr. Evans, thoughtfully; 'I've fallen
about, a good deal, in our counting-house lately, for practice,
only I find it hurts one so.  Being obliged to fall backward you
see, it bruises one's head a good deal.'

'But you must take care you don't knock a wing down,' said Mr.
Gattleton, the elder, who had been appointed prompter, and who took
as much interest in the play as the youngest of the company.  'The
stage is very narrow, you know.'

'Oh! don't be afraid,' said Mr. Evans, with a very self-satisfied
air; 'I shall fall with my head "off," and then I can't do any
harm.'

'But, egad,' said the manager, rubbing his hands, 'we shall make a
decided hit in "Masaniello."  Harleigh sings that music admirably.'

Everybody echoed the sentiment.  Mr. Harleigh smiled, and looked
foolish - not an unusual thing with him - hummed'  Behold how
brightly breaks the morning,' and blushed as red as the fisherman's
nightcap he was trying on.

'Let's see,' resumed the manager, telling the number on his
fingers, 'we shall have three dancing female peasants, besides
FENELLA, and four fishermen.  Then, there's our man Tom; he can
have a pair of ducks of mine, and a check shirt of Bob's, and a red
nightcap, and he'll do for another - that's five.  In the choruses,
of course, we can sing at the sides; and in the market-scene we can
walk about in cloaks and things.  When the revolt takes place, Tom
must keep rushing in on one side and out on the other, with a
pickaxe, as fast as he can.  The effect will be electrical; it will
look exactly as if there were an immense number of 'em.  And in the
eruption-scene we must burn the red fire, and upset the tea-trays,
and make all sorts of noises - and it's sure to do.'

'Sure! sure!' cried all the performers UNA VOCE - and away hurried
Mr. Sempronius Gattleton to wash the burnt cork off his face, and
superintend the 'setting up' of some of the amateur-painted, but
never-sufficiently-to-be-admired, scenery.

Mrs. Gattleton was a kind, good-tempered, vulgar soul, exceedingly
fond of her husband and children, and entertaining only three
dislikes.  In the first place, she had a natural antipathy to
anybody else's unmarried daughters; in the second, she was in
bodily fear of anything in the shape of ridicule; lastly - almost a
necessary consequence of this feeling - she regarded, with feelings
of the utmost horror, one Mrs. Joseph Porter over the way.
However, the good folks of Clapham and its vicinity stood very much
in awe of scandal and sarcasm; and thus Mrs. Joseph Porter was
courted, and flattered, and caressed, and invited, for much the
same reason that induces a poor author, without a farthing in his
pocket, to behave with extraordinary civility to a twopenny
postman.

'Never mind, ma,' said Miss Emma Porter, in colloquy with her
respected relative, and trying to look unconcerned; 'if they had
invited me, you know that neither you nor pa would have allowed me
to take part in such an exhibition.'

'Just what I should have thought from your high sense of
propriety,' returned the mother.  'I am glad to see, Emma, you know
how to designate the proceeding.'  Miss P., by-the-bye, had only
the week before made 'an exhibition' of herself for four days,
behind a counter at a fancy fair, to all and every of her Majesty's
liege subjects who were disposed to pay a shilling each for the
privilege of seeing some four dozen girls flirting with strangers,
and playing at shop.

'There!' said Mrs. Porter, looking out of window; 'there are two
rounds of beef and a ham going in - clearly for sandwiches; and
Thomas, the pastry-cook, says, there have been twelve dozen tarts
ordered, besides blancmange and jellies.  Upon my word! think of
the Miss Gattletons in fancy dresses, too!'

'Oh, it's too ridiculous!' said Miss Porter, hysterically.

'I'll manage to put them a little out of conceit with the business,
however,' said Mrs. Porter; and out she went on her charitable
errand.

'Well, my dear Mrs. Gattleton,' said Mrs. Joseph Porter, after they
had been closeted for some time, and when, by dint of indefatigable
pumping, she had managed to extract all the news about the play,
'well, my dear, people may say what they please; indeed we know
they will, for some folks are SO ill-natured.  Ah, my dear Miss
Lucina, how d'ye do?  I was just telling your mamma that I have
heard it said, that - '

'What?'

'Mrs. Porter is alluding to the play, my dear,' said Mrs.
Gattleton; 'she was, I am sorry to say, just informing me that - '

'Oh, now pray don't mention it,' interrupted Mrs. Porter; 'it's
most absurd - quite as absurd as young What's-his-name saying he
wondered how Miss Caroline, with such a foot and ankle, could have
the vanity to play FENELLA.'

'Highly impertinent, whoever said it,' said Mrs. Gattleton,
bridling up.

'Certainly, my dear,' chimed in the delighted Mrs. Porter; 'most
undoubtedly!  Because, as I said, if Miss Caroline DOES play
FENELLA, it doesn't follow, as a matter of course, that she should
think she has a pretty foot; - and then - such puppies as these
young men are - he had the impudence to say, that - '

How far the amiable Mrs. Porter might have succeeded in her
pleasant purpose, it is impossible to say, had not the entrance of
Mr. Thomas Balderstone, Mrs. Gattleton's brother, familiarly called
in the family 'Uncle Tom,' changed the course of conversation, and
suggested to her mind an excellent plan of operation on the evening
of the play.

Uncle Tom was very rich, and exceedingly fond of his nephews and
nieces:  as a matter of course, therefore, he was an object of
great importance in his own family.  He was one of the best-hearted
men in existence:  always in a good temper, and always talking.  It
was his boast that he wore top-boots on all occasions, and had
never worn a black silk neckerchief; and it was his pride that he
remembered all the principal plays of Shakspeare from beginning to
end - and so he did.  The result of this parrot-like accomplishment
was, that he was not only perpetually quoting himself, but that he
could never sit by, and hear a misquotation from the 'Swan of Avon'
without setting the unfortunate delinquent right.  He was also
something of a wag; never missed an opportunity of saying what he
considered a good thing, and invariably laughed until he cried at
anything that appeared to him mirth-moving or ridiculous.

'Well, girls!' said Uncle Tom, after the preparatory ceremony of
kissing and how-d'ye-do-ing had been gone through - 'how d'ye get
on?  Know your parts, eh? - Lucina, my dear, act II., scene I -
place, left-cue - "Unknown fate," - What's next, eh? - Go on - "The
Heavens - "'

'Oh, yes,' said Miss Lucina, 'I recollect -


"The heavens forbid
But that our loves and comforts should increase
Even as our days do grow!"'


'Make a pause here and there,' said the old gentleman, who was a
great critic.  '"But that our loves and comforts should increase" -
emphasis on the last syllable, "crease," - loud "even,"  - one,
two, three, four; then loud again, "as our days do grow;" emphasis
on DAYS.  That's the way, my dear; trust to your uncle for
emphasis.  Ah!  Sem, my boy, how are you?'

'Very well, thankee, uncle,' returned Mr. Sempronius, who had just
appeared, looking something like a ringdove, with a small circle
round each eye:  the result of his constant corking.  'Of course we
see you on Thursday.'

'Of course, of course, my dear boy.'

'What a pity it is your nephew didn't think of making you prompter,
Mr. Balderstone!' whispered Mrs. Joseph Porter; 'you would have
been invaluable.'

'Well, I flatter myself, I SHOULD have been tolerably up to the
thing,' responded Uncle Tom.

'I must bespeak sitting next you on the night,' resumed Mrs.
Porter; 'and then, if our dear young friends here, should be at all
wrong, you will be able to enlighten me.  I shall be so
interested.'

'I am sure I shall be most happy to give you any assistance in my
power'

'Mind, it's a bargain.'

'Certainly.'

'I don't know how it is,' said Mrs. Gattleton to her daughters, as
they were sitting round the fire in the evening, looking over their
parts, 'but I really very much wish Mrs. Joseph Porter wasn't
coming on Thursday.  I am sure she's scheming something.'

'She can't make us ridiculous, however,' observed Mr. Sempronius
Gattleton, haughtily.

The long-looked-for Thursday arrived in due course, and brought
with it, as Mr. Gattleton, senior, philosophically observed, 'no
disappointments, to speak of.'  True, it was yet a matter of doubt
whether CASSIO would be enabled to get into the dress which had
been sent for him from the masquerade warehouse.  It was equally
uncertain whether the principal female singer would be sufficiently
recovered from the influenza to make her appearance; Mr. Harleigh,
the MASANIELLO of the night, was hoarse, and rather unwell, in
consequence of the great quantity of lemon and sugar-candy he had
eaten to improve his voice; and two flutes and a violoncello had
pleaded severe colds.  What of that? the audience were all coming.
Everybody knew his part:  the dresses were covered with tinsel and
spangles; the white plumes looked beautiful; Mr. Evans had
practised falling until he was bruised from head to foot and quite
perfect; IAGO was sure that, in the stabbing-scene, he should make
'a decided hit.'  A self-taught deaf gentleman, who had kindly
offered to bring his flute, would be a most valuable addition to
the orchestra; Miss Jenkins's talent for the piano was too well
known to be doubted for an instant; Mr. Cape had practised the
violin accompaniment with her frequently; and Mr. Brown, who had
kindly undertaken, at a few hours' notice, to bring his
violoncello, would, no doubt, manage extremely well.

Seven o'clock came, and so did the audience; all the rank and
fashion of Clapham and its vicinity was fast filling the theatre.
There were the Smiths, the Gubbinses, the Nixons, the Dixons, the
Hicksons, people with all sorts of names, two aldermen, a sheriff
in perspective, Sir Thomas Glumper (who had been knighted in the
last reign for carrying up an address on somebody's escaping from
nothing); and last, not least, there were Mrs. Joseph Porter and
Uncle Tom, seated in the centre of the third row from the stage;
Mrs. P. amusing Uncle Tom with all sorts of stories, and Uncle Tom
amusing every one else by laughing most immoderately.

Ting, ting, ting! went the prompter's bell at eight o'clock
precisely, and dash went the orchestra into the overture to 'The
Men of Prometheus.'  The pianoforte player hammered away with
laudable perseverance; and the violoncello, which struck in at
intervals, 'sounded very well, considering.'  The unfortunate
individual, however, who had undertaken to play the flute
accompaniment 'at sight,' found, from fatal experience, the perfect
truth of the old adage, 'ought of sight, out of mind;' for being
very near-sighted, and being placed at a considerable distance from
his music-book, all he had an opportunity of doing was to play a
bar now and then in the wrong place, and put the other performers
out.  It is, however, but justice to Mr. Brown to say that he did
this to admiration.  The overture, in fact, was not unlike a race
between the different instruments; the piano came in first by
several bars, and the violoncello next, quite distancing the poor
flute; for the deaf gentleman TOO-TOO'D away, quite unconscious
that he was at all wrong, until apprised, by the applause of the
audience, that the overture was concluded.  A considerable bustle
and shuffling of feet was then heard upon the stage, accompanied by
whispers of 'Here's a pretty go! - what's to be done?' &c.  The
audience applauded again, by way of raising the spirits of the
performers; and then Mr. Sempronius desired the prompter, in a very
audible voice, to 'clear the stage, and ring up.'

Ting, ting, ting! went the bell again.  Everybody sat down; the
curtain shook; rose sufficiently high to display several pair of
yellow boots paddling about; and there remained.

Ting, ting, ting! went the bell again.  The curtain was violently
convulsed, but rose no higher; the audience tittered; Mrs. Porter
looked at Uncle Tom; Uncle Tom looked at everybody, rubbing his
hands, and laughing with perfect rapture.  After as much ringing
with the little bell as a muffin-boy would make in going down a
tolerably long street, and a vast deal of whispering, hammering,
and calling for nails and cord, the curtain at length rose, and
discovered Mr. Sempronius Gattleton SOLUS, and decked for OTHELLO.
After three distinct rounds of applause, during which Mr.
Sempronius applied his right hand to his left breast, and bowed in
the most approved manner, the manager advanced and said:

'Ladies and Gentlemen - I assure you it is with sincere regret,
that I regret to be compelled to inform you, that IAGO who was to
have played Mr. Wilson - I beg your pardon, Ladies and Gentlemen,
but I am naturally somewhat agitated (applause) - I mean, Mr.
Wilson, who was to have played IAGO, is - that is, has been - or,
in other words, Ladies and Gentlemen, the fact is, that I have just
received a note, in which I am informed that IAGO is unavoidably
detained at the Post-office this evening.  Under these
circumstances, I trust - a - a - amateur performance - a - another
gentleman undertaken to read the part - request indulgence for a
short time - courtesy and kindness of a British audience.'
Overwhelming applause.  Exit Mr. Sempronius Gattleton, and curtain
falls.

The audience were, of course, exceedingly good-humoured; the whole
business was a joke; and accordingly they waited for an hour with
the utmost patience, being enlivened by an interlude of rout-cakes
and lemonade.  It appeared by Mr. Sempronius's subsequent
explanation, that the delay would not have been so great, had it
not so happened that when the substitute IAGO had finished
dressing, and just as the play was on the point of commencing, the
original IAGO unexpectedly arrived.  The former was therefore
compelled to undress, and the latter to dress for his part; which,
as he found some difficulty in getting into his clothes, occupied
no inconsiderable time.  At last, the tragedy began in real
earnest.  It went off well enough, until the third scene of the
first act, in which OTHELLO addresses the Senate:  the only
remarkable circumstance being, that as IAGO could not get on any of
the stage boots, in consequence of his feet being violently swelled
with the heat and excitement, he was under the necessity of playing
the part in a pair of Wellingtons, which contrasted rather oddly
with his richly embroidered pantaloons.  When OTHELLO started with
his address to the Senate (whose dignity was represented by, the
DUKE, A carpenter, two men engaged on the recommendation of the
gardener, and a boy), Mrs. Porter found the opportunity she so
anxiously sought.

Mr. Sempronius proceeded:


'"Most potent, grave, and reverend signiors,
My very noble and approv'd good masters,
That I have ta'en away this old man's daughter,
It is most true; - rude am I in my speech - "'


'Is that right?' whispered Mrs. Porter to Uncle Tom.

'No.'

'Tell him so, then.'

'I will.  Sem!' called out Uncle Tom, 'that's wrong, my boy.'

'What's wrong, uncle?' demanded OTHELLO, quite forgetting the
dignity of his situation.

'You've left out something.  "True I have married - "'

'Oh, ah!' said Mr. Sempronius, endeavouring to hide his confusion
as much and as ineffectually as the audience attempted to conceal
their half-suppressed tittering, by coughing with extraordinary
violence -


- '"true I have married her; -
The very head and front of my offending
Hath this extent; no more."


(ASIDE) Why don't you prompt, father?'

'Because I've mislaid my spectacles,' said poor Mr. Gattleton,
almost dead with the heat and bustle.

'There, now it's "rude am I,"' said Uncle Tom.

'Yes, I know it is,' returned the unfortunate manager, proceeding
with his part.

It would be useless and tiresome to quote the number of instances
in which Uncle Tom, now completely in his element, and instigated
by the mischievous Mrs. Porter, corrected the mistakes of the
performers; suffice it to say, that having mounted his hobby,
nothing could induce him to dismount; so, during the whole
remainder of the play, he performed a kind of running
accompaniment, by muttering everybody's part as it was being
delivered, in an under-tone.  The audience were highly amused, Mrs.
Porter delighted, the performers embarrassed; Uncle Tom never was
better pleased in all his life; and Uncle Tom's nephews and nieces
had never, although the declared heirs to his large property, so
heartily wished him gathered to his fathers as on that memorable
occasion.

Several other minor causes, too, united to damp the ardour of the
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.  None of the performers could walk in their
tights, or move their arms in their jackets; the pantaloons were
too small, the boots too large, and the swords of all shapes and
sizes.  Mr. Evans, naturally too tall for the scenery, wore a black
velvet hat with immense white plumes, the glory of which was lost
in 'the flies;' and the only other inconvenience of which was, that
when it was off his head he could not put it on, and when it was on
he could not take it off.  Notwithstanding all his practice, too,
he fell with his head and shoulders as neatly through one of the
side scenes, as a harlequin would jump through a panel in a
Christmas pantomime.  The pianoforte player, overpowered by the
extreme heat of the room, fainted away at the commencement of the
entertainments, leaving the music of 'Masaniello' to the flute and
violoncello.  The orchestra complained that Mr. Harleigh put them
out, and Mr. Harleigh declared that the orchestra prevented his
singing a note.  The fishermen, who were hired for the occasion,
revolted to the very life, positively refusing to play without an
increased allowance of spirits; and, their demand being complied
with, getting drunk in the eruption-scene as naturally as possible.
The red fire, which was burnt at the conclusion of the second act,
not only nearly suffocated the audience, but nearly set the house
on fire into the bargain; and, as it was, the remainder of the
piece was acted in a thick fog.

In short, the whole affair was, as Mrs. Joseph Porter triumphantly
told everybody, 'a complete failure.'  The audience went home at
four o'clock in the morning, exhausted with laughter, suffering
from severe headaches, and smelling terribly of brimstone and
gunpowder.  The Messrs. Gattleton, senior and junior, retired to
rest, with the vague idea of emigrating to Swan River early in the
ensuing week.

Rose Villa has once again resumed its wonted appearance; the
dining-room furniture has been replaced; the tables are as nicely
polished as formerly; the horsehair chairs are ranged against the
wall, as regularly as ever; Venetian blinds have been fitted to
every window in the house to intercept the prying gaze of Mrs.
Joseph Porter.  The subject of theatricals is never mentioned in
the Gattleton family, unless, indeed, by Uncle Tom, who cannot
refrain from sometimes expressing his surprise and regret at
finding that his nephews and nieces appear to have lost the relish
they once possessed for the beauties of Shakspeare, and quotations
from the works of that immortal bard.



CHAPTER X - A PASSAGE IN THE LIFE OF MR. WATKINS TOTTLE



CHAPTER THE FIRST


Matrimony is proverbially a serious undertaking.  Like an over-
weening predilection for brandy-and-water, it is a misfortune into
which a man easily falls, and from which he finds it remarkably
difficult to extricate himself.  It is of no use telling a man who
is timorous on these points, that it is but one plunge, and all is
over.  They say the same thing at the Old Bailey, and the
unfortunate victims derive as much comfort from the assurance in
the one case as in the other.

Mr. Watkins Tottle was a rather uncommon compound of strong
uxorious inclinations, and an unparalleled degree of anti-connubial
timidity.  He was about fifty years of age; stood four feet six
inches and three-quarters in his socks - for he never stood in
stockings at all - plump, clean, and rosy.  He looked something
like a vignette to one of Richardson's novels, and had a clean-
cravatish formality of manner, and kitchen-pokerness of carriage,
which Sir Charles Grandison himself might have envied.  He lived on
an annuity, which was well adapted to the individual who received
it, in one respect - it was rather small.  He received it in
periodical payments on every alternate Monday; but he ran himself
out, about a day after the expiration of the first week, as
regularly as an eight-day clock; and then, to make the comparison
complete, his landlady wound him up, and he went on with a regular
tick.

Mr. Watkins Tottle had long lived in a state of single blessedness,
as bachelors say, or single cursedness, as spinsters think; but the
idea of matrimony had never ceased to haunt him.  Wrapt in profound
reveries on this never-failing theme, fancy transformed his small
parlour in Cecil-street, Strand, into a neat house in the suburbs;
the half-hundredweight of coals under the kitchen-stairs suddenly
sprang up into three tons of the best Walls-end; his small French
bedstead was converted into a regular matrimonial four-poster; and
in the empty chair on the opposite side of the fireplace,
imagination seated a beautiful young lady, with a very little
independence or will of her own, and a very large independence
under a will of her father's.

'Who's there?' inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle, as a gentle tap at his
room-door disturbed these meditations one evening.

'Tottle, my dear fellow, how DO you do?' said a short elderly
gentleman with a gruffish voice, bursting into the room, and
replying to the question by asking another.

'Told you I should drop in some evening,' said the short gentleman,
as he delivered his hat into Tottle's hand, after a little
struggling and dodging.

'Delighted to see you, I'm sure,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle, wishing
internally that his visitor had 'dropped in' to the Thames at the
bottom of the street, instead of dropping into his parlour.  The
fortnight was nearly up, and Watkins was hard up.

'How is Mrs. Gabriel Parsons?' inquired Tottle.

'Quite well, thank you,' replied Mr. Gabriel Parsons, for that was
the name the short gentleman revelled in.  Here there was a pause;
the short gentleman looked at the left hob of the fireplace; Mr.
Watkins Tottle stared vacancy out of countenance.

'Quite well,' repeated the short gentleman, when five minutes had
expired.  'I may say remarkably well.'  And he rubbed the palms of
his hands as hard as if he were going to strike a light by
friction.

'What will you take?' inquired Tottle, with the desperate
suddenness of a man who knew that unless the visitor took his
leave, he stood very little chance of taking anything else.

'Oh, I don't know - have you any whiskey?'

'Why,' replied Tottle, very slowly, for all this was gaining time,
'I HAD some capital, and remarkably strong whiskey last week; but
it's all gone - and therefore its strength - '

'Is much beyond proof; or, in other words, impossible to be
proved,' said the short gentleman; and he laughed very heartily,
and seemed quite glad the whiskey had been drunk.  Mr. Tottle
smiled - but it was the smile of despair.  When Mr. Gabriel Parsons
had done laughing, he delicately insinuated that, in the absence of
whiskey, he would not be averse to brandy.  And Mr. Watkins Tottle,
lighting a flat candle very ostentatiously; and displaying an
immense key, which belonged to the street-door, but which, for the
sake of appearances, occasionally did duty in an imaginary wine-
cellar; left the room to entreat his landlady to charge their
glasses, and charge them in the bill.  The application was
successful; the spirits were speedily called - not from the vasty
deep, but the adjacent wine-vaults.  The two short gentlemen mixed
their grog; and then sat cosily down before the fire - a pair of
shorts, airing themselves.

'Tottle,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'you know my way - off-hand,
open, say what I mean, mean what I say, hate reserve, and can't
bear affectation.  One, is a bad domino which only hides what good
people have about 'em, without making the bad look better; and the
other is much about the same thing as pinking a white cotton
stocking to make it look like a silk one.  Now listen to what I'm
going to say.'

Here, the little gentleman paused, and took a long pull at his
brandy-and-water.  Mr. Watkins Tottle took a sip of his, stirred
the fire, and assumed an air of profound attention.

'It's of no use humming and ha'ing about the matter,' resumed the
short gentleman. - 'You want to get married.'

'Why,' replied Mr. Watkins Tottle evasively; for he trembled
violently, and felt a sudden tingling throughout his whole frame;
'why - I should certainly - at least, I THINK I should like - '

'Won't do,' said the short gentleman. - 'Plain and free - or
there's an end of the matter.  Do you want money?'

'You know I do.'

'You admire the sex?'

'I do.'

'And you'd like to be married?'

'Certainly.'

'Then you shall be.  There's an end of that.'  Thus saying, Mr.
Gabriel Parsons took a pinch of snuff, and mixed another glass.

'Let me entreat you to be more explanatory,' said Tottle.  'Really,
as the party principally interested, I cannot consent to be
disposed of, in this way.'

'I'll tell you,' replied Mr. Gabriel Parsons, warming with the
subject, and the brandy-and-water - 'I know a lady - she's stopping
with my wife now - who is just the thing for you.  Well educated;
talks French; plays the piano; knows a good deal about flowers, and
shells, and all that sort of thing; and has five hundred a year,
with an uncontrolled power of disposing of it, by her last will and
testament.'

'I'll pay my addresses to her,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle.  'She
isn't VERY young - is she?'

'Not very; just the thing for you.  I've said that already.'

'What coloured hair has the lady?' inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle.

'Egad, I hardly recollect,' replied Gabriel, with coolness.
'Perhaps I ought to have observed, at first, she wears a front.'

'A what?' ejaculated Tottle.

'One of those things with curls, along here,' said Parsons, drawing
a straight line across his forehead, just over his eyes, in
illustration of his meaning.  'I know the front's black; I can't
speak quite positively about her own hair; because, unless one
walks behind her, and catches a glimpse of it under her bonnet, one
seldom sees it; but I should say that it was RATHER lighter than
the front - a shade of a greyish tinge, perhaps.'

Mr. Watkins Tottle looked as if he had certain misgivings of mind.
Mr. Gabriel Parsons perceived it, and thought it would be safe to
begin the next attack without delay.

'Now, were you ever in love, Tottle?' he inquired.

Mr. Watkins Tottle blushed up to the eyes, and down to the chin,
and exhibited a most extensive combination of colours as he
confessed the soft impeachment.

'I suppose you popped the question, more than once, when you were a
young - I beg your pardon - a younger - man,' said Parsons.

'Never in my life!' replied his friend, apparently indignant at
being suspected of such an act.  'Never!  The fact is, that I
entertain, as you know, peculiar opinions on these subjects.  I am
not afraid of ladies, young or old - far from it; but, I think,
that in compliance with the custom of the present day, they allow
too much freedom of speech and manner to marriageable men.  Now,
the fact is, that anything like this easy freedom I never could
acquire; and as I am always afraid of going too far, I am
generally, I dare say, considered formal and cold.'

'I shouldn't wonder if you were,' replied Parsons, gravely; 'I
shouldn't wonder.  However, you'll be all right in this case; for
the strictness and delicacy of this lady's ideas greatly exceed
your own.  Lord bless you, why, when she came to our house, there
was an old portrait of some man or other, with two large, black,
staring eyes, hanging up in her bedroom; she positively refused to
go to bed there, till it was taken down, considering it decidedly
wrong.'

'I think so, too,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle; 'certainly.'

'And then, the other night - I never laughed so much in my life' -
resumed Mr. Gabriel Parsons; 'I had driven home in an easterly
wind, and caught a devil of a face-ache.  Well; as Fanny - that's
Mrs. Parsons, you know - and this friend of hers, and I, and Frank
Ross, were playing a rubber, I said, jokingly, that when I went to
bed I should wrap my head in Fanny's flannel petticoat.  She
instantly threw up her cards, and left the room.'

'Quite right!' said Mr. Watkins Tottle; 'she could not possibly
have behaved in a more dignified manner.  What did you do?'

'Do? - Frank took dummy; and I won sixpence.'

'But, didn't you apologise for hurting her feelings?'

'Devil a bit.  Next morning at breakfast, we talked it over.  She
contended that any reference to a flannel petticoat was improper; -
men ought not to be supposed to know that such things were.  I
pleaded my coverture; being a married man.'

'And what did the lady say to that?' inquired Tottle, deeply
interested.

'Changed her ground, and said that Frank being a single man, its
impropriety was obvious.'

'Noble-minded creature!' exclaimed the enraptured Tottle.

'Oh! both Fanny and I said, at once, that she was regularly cut out
for you.'

A gleam of placid satisfaction shone on the circular face of Mr.
Watkins Tottle, as he heard the prophecy.

'There's one thing I can't understand,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons,
as he rose to depart; 'I cannot, for the life and soul of me,
imagine how the deuce you'll ever contrive to come together.  The
lady would certainly go into convulsions if the subject were
mentioned.'  Mr. Gabriel Parsons sat down again, and laughed until
he was weak.  Tottle owed him money, so he had a perfect right to
laugh at Tottle's expense.

Mr. Watkins Tottle feared, in his own mind, that this was another
characteristic which he had in common with this modern Lucretia.
He, however, accepted the invitation to dine with the Parsonses on
the next day but one, with great firmness:  and looked forward to
the introduction, when again left alone, with tolerable composure.

The sun that rose on the next day but one, had never beheld a
sprucer personage on the outside of the Norwood stage, than Mr.
Watkins Tottle; and when the coach drew up before a cardboard-
looking house with disguised chimneys, and a lawn like a large
sheet of green letter-paper, he certainly had never lighted to his
place of destination a gentleman who felt more uncomfortable.

The coach stopped, and Mr. Watkins Tottle jumped - we beg his
pardon - alighted, with great dignity.  'All right!' said he, and
away went the coach up the hill with that beautiful equanimity of
pace for which 'short' stages are generally remarkable.

Mr. Watkins Tottle gave a faltering jerk to the handle of the
garden-gate bell.  He essayed a more energetic tug, and his
previous nervousness was not at all diminished by hearing the bell
ringing like a fire alarum.

'Is Mr. Parsons at home?' inquired Tottle of the man who opened the
gate.  He could hardly hear himself speak, for the bell had not yet
done tolling.

'Here I am,' shouted a voice on the lawn, - and there was Mr.
Gabriel Parsons in a flannel jacket, running backwards and
forwards, from a wicket to two hats piled on each other, and from
the two hats to the wicket, in the most violent manner, while
another gentleman with his coat off was getting down the area of
the house, after a ball.  When the gentleman without the coat had
found it - which he did in less than ten minutes - he ran back to
the hats, and Gabriel Parsons pulled up.  Then, the gentleman
without the coat called out 'play,' very loudly, and bowled.  Then
Mr. Gabriel Parsons knocked the ball several yards, and took
another run.  Then, the other gentleman aimed at the wicket, and
didn't hit it; and Mr. Gabriel Parsons, having finished running on
his own account, laid down the bat and ran after the ball, which
went into a neighbouring field.  They called this cricket.

'Tottle, will you "go in?"' inquired Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as he
approached him, wiping the perspiration off his face.

Mr. Watkins Tottle declined the offer, the bare idea of accepting
which made him even warmer than his friend.

'Then we'll go into the house, as it's past four, and I shall have
to wash my hands before dinner,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons.  'Here,
I hate ceremony, you know!  Timson, that's Tottle - Tottle, that's
Timson; bred for the church, which I fear will never be bread for
him;' and he chuckled at the old joke.  Mr. Timson bowed
carelessly.  Mr. Watkins Tottle bowed stiffly.  Mr. Gabriel Parsons
led the way to the house.  He was a rich sugar-baker, who mistook
rudeness for honesty, and abrupt bluntness for an open and candid
manner; many besides Gabriel mistake bluntness for sincerity.

Mrs. Gabriel Parsons received the visitors most graciously on the
steps, and preceded them to the drawing-room.  On the sofa, was
seated a lady of very prim appearance, and remarkably inanimate.
She was one of those persons at whose age it is impossible to make
any reasonable guess; her features might have been remarkably
pretty when she was younger, and they might always have presented
the same appearance.  Her complexion - with a slight trace of
powder here and there - was as clear as that of a well-made wax
doll, and her face as expressive.  She was handsomely dressed, and
was winding up a gold watch.

'Miss Lillerton, my dear, this is our friend Mr. Watkins Tottle; a
very old acquaintance I assure you,' said Mrs. Parsons, presenting
the Strephon of Cecil-street, Strand.  The lady rose, and made a
deep courtesy; Mr. Watkins Tottle made a bow.

'Splendid, majestic creature!' thought Tottle.

Mr. Timson advanced, and Mr. Watkins Tottle began to hate him.  Men
generally discover a rival, instinctively, and Mr. Watkins Tottle
felt that his hate was deserved.

'May I beg,' said the reverend gentleman, - 'May I beg to call upon
you, Miss Lillerton, for some trifling donation to my soup, coals,
and blanket distribution society?'

'Put my name down, for two sovereigns, if you please,' responded
Miss Lillerton.

'You are truly charitable, madam,' said the Reverend Mr. Timson,
'and we know that charity will cover a multitude of sins.  Let me
beg you to understand that I do not say this from the supposition
that you have many sins which require palliation; believe me when I
say that I never yet met any one who had fewer to atone for, than
Miss Lillerton.'

Something like a bad imitation of animation lighted up the lady's
face, as she acknowledged the compliment.  Watkins Tottle incurred
the sin of wishing that the ashes of the Reverend Charles Timson
were quietly deposited in the churchyard of his curacy, wherever it
might be.

'I'll tell you what,' interrupted Parsons, who had just appeared
with clean hands, and a black coat, 'it's my private opinion,
Timson, that your "distribution society" is rather a humbug.'

'You are so severe,' replied Timson, with a Christian smile:  he
disliked Parsons, but liked his dinners.

'So positively unjust!' said Miss Lillerton.

'Certainly,' observed Tottle.  The lady looked up; her eyes met
those of Mr. Watkins Tottle.  She withdrew them in a sweet
confusion, and Watkins Tottle did the same - the confusion was
mutual.

'Why,' urged Mr. Parsons, pursuing his objections, 'what on earth
is the use of giving a man coals who has nothing to cook, or giving
him blankets when he hasn't a bed, or giving him soup when he
requires substantial food? - "like sending them ruffles when
wanting a shirt."  Why not give 'em a trifle of money, as I do,
when I think they deserve it, and let them purchase what they think
best?  Why? - because your subscribers wouldn't see their names
flourishing in print on the church-door - that's the reason.'

'Really, Mr. Parsons, I hope you don't mean to insinuate that I
wish to see MY name in print, on the church-door,' interrupted Miss
Lillerton.

'I hope not,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle, putting in another word, and
getting another glance.

'Certainly not,' replied Parsons.  'I dare say you wouldn't mind
seeing it in writing, though, in the church register - eh?'

'Register!  What register?' inquired the lady gravely.

'Why, the register of marriages, to be sure,' replied Parsons,
chuckling at the sally, and glancing at Tottle.  Mr. Watkins Tottle
thought he should have fainted for shame, and it is quite
impossible to imagine what effect the joke would have had upon the
lady, if dinner had not been, at that moment, announced.  Mr.
Watkins Tottle, with an unprecedented effort of gallantry, offered
the tip of his little finger; Miss Lillerton accepted it
gracefully, with maiden modesty; and they proceeded in due state to
the dinner-table, where they were soon deposited side by side.  The
room was very snug, the dinner very good, and the little party in
spirits.  The conversation became pretty general, and when Mr.
Watkins Tottle had extracted one or two cold observations from his
neighbour, and had taken wine with her, he began to acquire
confidence rapidly.  The cloth was removed; Mrs. Gabriel Parsons
drank four glasses of port on the plea of being a nurse just then;
and Miss Lillerton took about the same number of sips, on the plea
of not wanting any at all.  At length, the ladies retired, to the
great gratification of Mr. Gabriel Parsons, who had been coughing
and frowning at his wife, for half-an-hour previously - signals
which Mrs. Parsons never happened to observe, until she had been
pressed to take her ordinary quantum, which, to avoid giving
trouble, she generally did at once.

'What do you think of her?' inquired Mr. Gabriel Parsons of Mr.
Watkins Tottle, in an under-tone.

'I dote on her with enthusiasm already!' replied Mr. Watkins
Tottle.

'Gentlemen, pray let us drink "the ladies,"' said the Reverend Mr.
Timson.

'The ladies!' said Mr. Watkins Tottle, emptying his glass.  In the
fulness of his confidence, he felt as if he could make love to a
dozen ladies, off-hand.

'Ah!' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'I remember when I was a young man
- fill your glass, Timson.'

'I have this moment emptied it.'

'Then fill again.'

'I will,' said Timson, suiting the action to the word.

'I remember,' resumed Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'when I was a younger
man, with what a strange compound of feelings I used to drink that
toast, and how I used to think every woman was an angel.'

'Was that before you were married?' mildly inquired Mr. Watkins
Tottle.

'Oh! certainly,' replied Mr. Gabriel Parsons.  'I have never
thought so since; and a precious milksop I must have been, ever to
have thought so at all.  But, you know, I married Fanny under the
oddest, and most ridiculous circumstances possible.'

'What were they, if one may inquire?' asked Timson, who had heard
the story, on an average, twice a week for the last six months.
Mr. Watkins Tottle listened attentively, in the hope of picking up
some suggestion that might be useful to him in his new undertaking.

'I spent my wedding-night in a back-kitchen chimney,' said Parsons,
by way of a beginning.

'In a back-kitchen chimney!' ejaculated Watkins Tottle.  'How
dreadful!'

'Yes, it wasn't very pleasant,' replied the small host.  'The fact
is, Fanny's father and mother liked me well enough as an
individual, but had a decided objection to my becoming a husband.
You see, I hadn't any money in those days, and they had; and so
they wanted Fanny to pick up somebody else.  However, we managed to
discover the state of each other's affections somehow.  I used to
meet her, at some mutual friends' parties; at first we danced
together, and talked, and flirted, and all that sort of thing;
then, I used to like nothing so well as sitting by her side - we
didn't talk so much then, but I remember I used to have a great
notion of looking at her out of the extreme corner of my left eye -
and then I got very miserable and sentimental, and began to write
verses, and use Macassar oil.  At last I couldn't bear it any
longer, and after I had walked up and down the sunny side of
Oxford-street in tight boots for a week - and a devilish hot summer
it was too - in the hope of meeting her, I sat down and wrote a
letter, and begged her to manage to see me clandestinely, for I
wanted to hear her decision from her own mouth.  I said I had
discovered, to my perfect satisfaction, that I couldn't live
without her, and that if she didn't have me, I had made up my mind
to take prussic acid, or take to drinking, or emigrate, so as to
take myself off in some way or other.  Well, I borrowed a pound,
and bribed the housemaid to give her the note, which she did.'

'And what was the reply?' inquired Timson, who had found, before,
that to encourage the repetition of old stories is to get a general
invitation.

'Oh, the usual one!  Fanny expressed herself very miserable; hinted
at the possibility of an early grave; said that nothing should
induce her to swerve from the duty she owed her parents; implored
me to forget her, and find out somebody more deserving, and all
that sort of thing.  She said she could, on no account, think of
meeting me unknown to her pa and ma; and entreated me, as she
should be in a particular part of Kensington Gardens at eleven
o'clock next morning, not to attempt to meet her there.'

'You didn't go, of course?' said Watkins Tottle.

'Didn't I? - Of course I did.  There she was, with the identical
housemaid in perspective, in order that there might be no
interruption.  We walked about, for a couple of hours; made
ourselves delightfully miserable; and were regularly engaged.
Then, we began to "correspond" - that is to say, we used to
exchange about four letters a day; what we used to say in 'em I
can't imagine.  And I used to have an interview, in the kitchen, or
the cellar, or some such place, every evening.  Well, things went
on in this way for some time; and we got fonder of each other every
day.  At last, as our love was raised to such a pitch, and as my
salary had been raised too, shortly before, we determined on a
secret marriage.  Fanny arranged to sleep at a friend's, on the
previous night; we were to be married early in the morning; and
then we were to return to her home and be pathetic.  She was to
fall at the old gentleman's feet, and bathe his boots with her
tears; and I was to hug the old lady and call her "mother," and use
my pocket-handkerchief as much as possible.  Married we were, the
next morning; two girls-friends of Fanny's - acting as bridesmaids;
and a man, who was hired for five shillings and a pint of porter,
officiating as father.  Now, the old lady unfortunately put off her
return from Ramsgate, where she had been paying a visit, until the
next morning; and as we placed great reliance on her, we agreed to
postpone our confession for four-and-twenty hours.  My newly-made
wife returned home, and I spent my wedding-day in strolling about
Hampstead-heath, and execrating my father-in-law.  Of course, I
went to comfort my dear little wife at night, as much as I could,
with the assurance that our troubles would soon be over.  I opened
the garden-gate, of which I had a key, and was shown by the servant
to our old place of meeting - a back kitchen, with a stone-floor
and a dresser:  upon which, in the absence of chairs, we used to
sit and make love.'

'Make love upon a kitchen-dresser!' interrupted Mr. Watkins Tottle,
whose ideas of decorum were greatly outraged.

'Ah!  On a kitchen-dresser!' replied Parsons.  'And let me tell
you, old fellow, that, if you were really over head-and-ears in
love, and had no other place to make love in, you'd be devilish
glad to avail yourself of such an opportunity.  However, let me
see; - where was I?'

'On the dresser,' suggested Timson.

'Oh - ah!  Well, here I found poor Fanny, quite disconsolate and
uncomfortable.  The old boy had been very cross all day, which made
her feel still more lonely; and she was quite out of spirits.  So,
I put a good face on the matter, and laughed it off, and said we
should enjoy the pleasures of a matrimonial life more by contrast;
and, at length, poor Fanny brightened up a little.  I stopped
there, till about eleven o'clock, and, just as I was taking my
leave for the fourteenth time, the girl came running down the
stairs, without her shoes, in a great fright, to tell us that the
old villain - Heaven forgive me for calling him so, for he is dead
and gone now! - prompted I suppose by the prince of darkness, was
coming down, to draw his own beer for supper - a thing he had not
done before, for six months, to my certain knowledge; for the cask
stood in that very back kitchen.  If he discovered me there,
explanation would have been out of the question; for he was so
outrageously violent, when at all excited, that he never would have
listened to me.  There was only one thing to be done.  The chimney
was a very wide one; it had been originally built for an oven; went
up perpendicularly for a few feet, and then shot backward and
formed a sort of small cavern.  My hopes and fortune - the means of
our joint existence almost - were at stake.  I scrambled in like a
squirrel; coiled myself up in this recess; and, as Fanny and the
girl replaced the deal chimney-board, I could see the light of the
candle which my unconscious father-in-law carried in his hand.  I
heard him draw the beer; and I never heard beer run so slowly.  He
was just leaving the kitchen, and I was preparing to descend, when
down came the infernal chimney-board with a tremendous crash.  He
stopped and put down the candle and the jug of beer on the dresser;
he was a nervous old fellow, and any unexpected noise annoyed him.
He coolly observed that the fire-place was never used, and sending
the frightened servant into the next kitchen for a hammer and
nails, actually nailed up the board, and locked the door on the
outside.  So, there was I, on my wedding-night, in the light
kerseymere trousers, fancy waistcoat, and blue coat, that I had
been married in in the morning, in a back-kitchen chimney, the
bottom of which was nailed up, and the top of which had been
formerly raised some fifteen feet, to prevent the smoke from
annoying the neighbours.  And there,' added Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as
he passed the bottle, 'there I remained till half-past seven the
next morning, when the housemaid's sweetheart, who was a carpenter,
unshelled me.  The old dog had nailed me up so securely, that, to
this very hour, I firmly believe that no one but a carpenter could
ever have got me out.'

'And what did Mrs. Parsons's father say, when he found you were
married?' inquired Watkins Tottle, who, although he never saw a
joke, was not satisfied until he heard a story to the very end.

'Why, the affair of the chimney so tickled his fancy, that he
pardoned us off-hand, and allowed us something to live on till he
went the way of all flesh.  I spent the next night in his second-
floor front, much more comfortably than I had spent the preceding
one; for, as you will probably guess - '

'Please, sir, missis has made tea,' said a middle-aged female
servant, bobbing into the room.

'That's the very housemaid that figures in my story,' said Mr.
Gabriel Parsons.  'She went into Fanny's service when we were first
married, and has been with us ever since; but I don't think she has
felt one atom of respect for me since the morning she saw me
released, when she went into violent hysterics, to which she has
been subject ever since.  Now, shall we join the ladies?'

'If you please,' said Mr. Watkins Tottle.

'By all means,' added the obsequious Mr. Timson; and the trio made
for the drawing-room accordingly.

Tea being concluded, and the toast and cups having been duly
handed, and occasionally upset, by Mr. Watkins Tottle, a rubber was
proposed.  They cut for partners - Mr. and Mrs. Parsons; and Mr.
Watkins Tottle and Miss Lillerton.  Mr. Timson having conscientious
scruples on the subject of card-playing, drank brandy-and-water,
and kept up a running spar with Mr. Watkins Tottle.  The evening
went off well; Mr. Watkins Tottle was in high spirits, having some
reason to be gratified with his reception by Miss Lillerton; and
before he left, a small party was made up to visit the Beulah Spa
on the following Saturday.

'It's all right, I think,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons to Mr. Watkins
Tottle as he opened the garden gate for him.

'I hope so,' he replied, squeezing his friend's hand.

'You'll be down by the first coach on Saturday,' said Mr. Gabriel
Parsons.

'Certainly,' replied Mr. Watkins Tottle.  'Undoubtedly.'

But fortune had decreed that Mr. Watkins Tottle should not be down
by the first coach on Saturday.  His adventures on that day,
however, and the success of his wooing, are subjects for another
chapter.


CHAPTER THE SECOND


'The first coach has not come in yet, has it, Tom?' inquired Mr.
Gabriel Parsons, as he very complacently paced up and down the
fourteen feet of gravel which bordered the 'lawn,' on the Saturday
morning which had been fixed upon for the Beulah Spa jaunt.

'No, sir; I haven't seen it,' replied a gardener in a blue apron,
who let himself out to do the ornamental for half-a-crown a day and
his 'keep.'

'Time Tottle was down,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, ruminating - 'Oh,
here he is, no doubt,' added Gabriel, as a cab drove rapidly up the
hill; and he buttoned his dressing-gown, and opened the gate to
receive the expected visitor.  The cab stopped, and out jumped a
man in a coarse Petersham great-coat, whity-brown neckerchief,
faded black suit, gamboge-coloured top-boots, and one of those
large-crowned hats, formerly seldom met with, but now very
generally patronised by gentlemen and costermongers.

'Mr. Parsons?' said the man, looking at the superscription of a
note he held in his hand, and addressing Gabriel with an inquiring
air.

'MY name is Parsons,' responded the sugar-baker.

'I've brought this here note,' replied the individual in the
painted tops, in a hoarse whisper:  'I've brought this here note
from a gen'lm'n as come to our house this mornin'.'

'I expected the gentleman at my house,' said Parsons, as he broke
the seal, which bore the impression of her Majesty's profile as it
is seen on a sixpence.

'I've no doubt the gen'lm'n would ha' been here, replied the
stranger, 'if he hadn't happened to call at our house first; but we
never trusts no gen'lm'n furder nor we can see him - no mistake
about that there' - added the unknown, with a facetious grin; 'beg
your pardon, sir, no offence meant, only - once in, and I wish you
may - catch the idea, sir?'

Mr. Gabriel Parsons was not remarkable for catching anything
suddenly, but a cold.  He therefore only bestowed a glance of
profound astonishment on his mysterious companion, and proceeded to
unfold the note of which he had been the bearer.  Once opened and
the idea was caught with very little difficulty.  Mr. Watkins
Tottle had been suddenly arrested for 33L. 10S. 4D., and dated his
communication from a lock-up house in the vicinity of Chancery-
lane.

'Unfortunate affair this!' said Parsons, refolding the note.

'Oh! nothin' ven you're used to it,' coolly observed the man in the
Petersham.

'Tom!' exclaimed Parsons, after a few minutes' consideration, 'just
put the horse in, will you? - Tell the gentleman that I shall be
there almost as soon as you are,' he continued, addressing the
sheriff-officer's Mercury.

'Werry well,' replied that important functionary; adding, in a
confidential manner, 'I'd adwise the gen'lm'n's friends to settle.
You see it's a mere trifle; and, unless the gen'lm'n means to go up
afore the court, it's hardly worth while waiting for detainers, you
know.  Our governor's wide awake, he is.  I'll never say nothin'
agin him, nor no man; but he knows what's o'clock, he does,
uncommon.'  Having delivered this eloquent, and, to Parsons,
particularly intelligible harangue, the meaning of which was eked
out by divers nods and winks, the gentleman in the boots reseated
himself in the cab, which went rapidly off, and was soon out of
sight.  Mr. Gabriel Parsons continued to pace up and down the
pathway for some minutes, apparently absorbed in deep meditation.
The result of his cogitations seemed to be perfectly satisfactory
to himself, for he ran briskly into the house; said that business
had suddenly summoned him to town; that he had desired the
messenger to inform Mr. Watkins Tottle of the fact; and that they
would return together to dinner.  He then hastily equipped himself
for a drive, and mounting his gig, was soon on his way to the
establishment of Mr. Solomon Jacobs, situate (as Mr. Watkins Tottle
had informed him) in Cursitor-street, Chancery-lane.

When a man is in a violent hurry to get on, and has a specific
object in view, the attainment of which depends on the completion
of his journey, the difficulties which interpose themselves in his
way appear not only to be innumerable, but to have been called into
existence especially for the occasion.  The remark is by no means a
new one, and Mr. Gabriel Parsons had practical and painful
experience of its justice in the course of his drive.  There are
three classes of animated objects which prevent your driving with
any degree of comfort or celerity through streets which are but
little frequented - they are pigs, children, and old women.  On the
occasion we are describing, the pigs were luxuriating on cabbage-
stalks, and the shuttlecocks fluttered from the little deal
battledores, and the children played in the road; and women, with a
basket in one hand, and the street-door key in the other, WOULD
cross just before the horse's head, until Mr. Gabriel Parsons was
perfectly savage with vexation, and quite hoarse with hoi-ing and
imprecating.  Then, when he got into Fleet-street, there was 'a
stoppage,' in which people in vehicles have the satisfaction of
remaining stationary for half an hour, and envying the slowest
pedestrians; and where policemen rush about, and seize hold of
horses' bridles, and back them into shop-windows, by way of
clearing the road and preventing confusion.  At length Mr. Gabriel
Parsons turned into Chancery-lane, and having inquired for, and
been directed to Cursitor-street (for it was a locality of which he
was quite ignorant), he soon found himself opposite the house of
Mr. Solomon Jacobs.  Confiding his horse and gig to the care of one
of the fourteen boys who had followed him from the other side of
Blackfriars-bridge on the chance of his requiring their services,
Mr. Gabriel Parsons crossed the road and knocked at an inner door,
the upper part of which was of glass, grated like the windows of
this inviting mansion with iron bars - painted white to look
comfortable.

The knock was answered by a sallow-faced, red-haired, sulky boy,
who, after surveying Mr. Gabriel Parsons through the glass, applied
a large key to an immense wooden excrescence, which was in reality
a lock, but which, taken in conjunction with the iron nails with
which the panels were studded, gave the door the appearance of
being subject to warts.

'I want to see Mr. Watkins Tottle,' said Parsons.

'It's the gentleman that come in this morning, Jem,' screamed a
voice from the top of the kitchen-stairs, which belonged to a dirty
woman who had just brought her chin to a level with the passage-
floor.  'The gentleman's in the coffee-room.'

'Up-stairs, sir,' said the boy, just opening the door wide enough
to let Parsons in without squeezing him, and double-locking it the
moment he had made his way through the aperture - 'First floor -
door on the left.'

Mr. Gabriel Parsons thus instructed, ascended the uncarpeted and
ill-lighted staircase, and after giving several subdued taps at the
before-mentioned 'door on the left,' which were rendered inaudible
by the hum of voices within the room, and the hissing noise
attendant on some frying operations which were carrying on below
stairs, turned the handle, and entered the apartment.  Being
informed that the unfortunate object of his visit had just gone up-
stairs to write a letter, he had leisure to sit down and observe
the scene before him.

The room - which was a small, confined den - was partitioned off
into boxes, like the common-room of some inferior eating-house.
The dirty floor had evidently been as long a stranger to the
scrubbing-brush as to carpet or floor-cloth:  and the ceiling was
completely blackened by the flare of the oil-lamp by which the room
was lighted at night.  The gray ashes on the edges of the tables,
and the cigar ends which were plentifully scattered about the dusty
grate, fully accounted for the intolerable smell of tobacco which
pervaded the place; and the empty glasses and half-saturated slices
of lemon on the tables, together with the porter pots beneath them,
bore testimony to the frequent libations in which the individuals
who honoured Mr. Solomon Jacobs by a temporary residence in his
house indulged.  Over the mantel-shelf was a paltry looking-glass,
extending about half the width of the chimney-piece; but by way of
counterpoise, the ashes were confined by a rusty fender about twice
as long as the hearth.

From this cheerful room itself, the attention of Mr. Gabriel
Parsons was naturally directed to its inmates.  In one of the boxes
two men were playing at cribbage with a very dirty pack of cards,
some with blue, some with green, and some with red backs -
selections from decayed packs.  The cribbage board had been long
ago formed on the table by some ingenious visitor with the
assistance of a pocket-knife and a two-pronged fork, with which the
necessary number of holes had been made in the table at proper
distances for the reception of the wooden pegs.  In another box a
stout, hearty-looking man, of about forty, was eating some dinner
which his wife - an equally comfortable-looking personage - had
brought him in a basket:  and in a third, a genteel-looking young
man was talking earnestly, and in a low tone, to a young female,
whose face was concealed by a thick veil, but whom Mr. Gabriel
Parsons immediately set down in his own mind as the debtor's wife.
A young fellow of vulgar manners, dressed in the very extreme of
the prevailing fashion, was pacing up and down the room, with a
lighted cigar in his mouth and his hands in his pockets, ever and
anon puffing forth volumes of smoke, and occasionally applying,
with much apparent relish, to a pint pot, the contents of which
were 'chilling' on the hob.

'Fourpence more, by gum!' exclaimed one of the cribbage-players,
lighting a pipe, and addressing his adversary at the close of the
game; 'one 'ud think you'd got luck in a pepper-cruet, and shook it
out when you wanted it.'

'Well, that a'n't a bad un,' replied the other, who was a horse-
dealer from Islington.

'No; I'm blessed if it is,' interposed the jolly-looking fellow,
who, having finished his dinner, was drinking out of the same glass
as his wife, in truly conjugal harmony, some hot gin-and-water.
The faithful partner of his cares had brought a plentiful supply of
the anti-temperance fluid in a large flat stone bottle, which
looked like a half-gallon jar that had been successfully tapped for
the dropsy.  'You're a rum chap, you are, Mr. Walker - will you dip
your beak into this, sir?'

'Thank'ee, sir,' replied Mr. Walker, leaving his box, and advancing
to the other to accept the proffered glass.  'Here's your health,
sir, and your good 'ooman's here.  Gentlemen all - yours, and
better luck still.  Well, Mr. Willis,' continued the facetious
prisoner, addressing the young man with the cigar, 'you seem rather
down to-day - floored, as one may say.  What's the matter, sir?
Never say die, you know.'

'Oh! I'm all right,' replied the smoker.  'I shall be bailed out
to-morrow.'

'Shall you, though?' inquired the other.  'Damme, I wish I could
say the same.  I am as regularly over head and ears as the Royal
George, and stand about as much chance of being BAILED OUT.  Ha!
ha! ha!'

'Why,' said the young man, stopping short, and speaking in a very
loud key, 'look at me.  What d'ye think I've stopped here two days
for?'

''Cause you couldn't get out, I suppose,' interrupted Mr. Walker,
winking to the company.  'Not that you're exactly obliged to stop
here, only you can't help it.  No compulsion, you know, only you
must - eh?'

'A'n't he a rum un?' inquired the delighted individual, who had
offered the gin-and-water, of his wife.

'Oh, he just is!' replied the lady, who was quite overcome by these
flashes of imagination.

'Why, my case,' frowned the victim, throwing the end of his cigar
into the fire, and illustrating his argument by knocking the bottom
of the pot on the table, at intervals, - 'my case is a very
singular one.  My father's a man of large property, and I am his
son.'

'That's a very strange circumstance!' interrupted the jocose Mr.
Walker, EN PASSANT.

' - I am his son, and have received a liberal education.  I don't
owe no man nothing - not the value of a farthing, but I was
induced, you see, to put my name to some bills for a friend - bills
to a large amount, I may say a very large amount, for which I
didn't receive no consideration.  What's the consequence?'

'Why, I suppose the bills went out, and you came in.  The
acceptances weren't taken up, and you were, eh?' inquired Walker.

'To be sure,' replied the liberally educated young gentleman.  'To
be sure; and so here I am, locked up for a matter of twelve hundred
pound.'

'Why don't you ask your old governor to stump up?' inquired Walker,
with a somewhat sceptical air.

'Oh! bless you, he'd never do it,' replied the other, in a tone of
expostulation - 'Never!'

'Well, it is very odd to - be - sure,' interposed the owner of the
flat bottle, mixing another glass, 'but I've been in difficulties,
as one may say, now for thirty year.  I went to pieces when I was
in a milk-walk, thirty year ago; arterwards, when I was a
fruiterer, and kept a spring wan; and arter that again in the coal
and 'tatur line - but all that time I never see a youngish chap
come into a place of this kind, who wasn't going out again
directly, and who hadn't been arrested on bills which he'd given a
friend and for which he'd received nothing whatsomever - not a
fraction.'

'Oh! it's always the cry,' said Walker.  'I can't see the use on
it; that's what makes me so wild.  Why, I should have a much better
opinion of an individual, if he'd say at once in an honourable and
gentlemanly manner as he'd done everybody he possibly could.'

'Ay, to be sure,' interposed the horse-dealer, with whose notions
of bargain and sale the axiom perfectly coincided, 'so should I.'
The young gentleman, who had given rise to these observations, was
on the point of offering a rather angry reply to these sneers, but
the rising of the young man before noticed, and of the female who
had been sitting by him, to leave the room, interrupted the
conversation.  She had been weeping bitterly, and the noxious
atmosphere of the room acting upon her excited feelings and
delicate frame, rendered the support of her companion necessary as
they quitted it together.

There was an air of superiority about them both, and something in
their appearance so unusual in such a place, that a respectful
silence was observed until the WHIRR - R - BANG of the spring door
announced that they were out of hearing.  It was broken by the wife
of the ex-fruiterer.

'Poor creetur!' said she, quenching a sigh in a rivulet of gin-and-
water.  'She's very young.'

'She's a nice-looking 'ooman too,' added the horse-dealer.

'What's he in for, Ikey?' inquired Walker, of an individual who was
spreading a cloth with numerous blotches of mustard upon it, on one
of the tables, and whom Mr. Gabriel Parsons had no difficulty in
recognising as the man who had called upon him in the morning.

'Vy,' responded the factotum, 'it's one of the rummiest rigs you
ever heard on.  He come in here last Vensday, which by-the-bye he's
a-going over the water to-night - hows'ever that's neither here nor
there.  You see I've been a going back'ards and for'ards about his
business, and ha' managed to pick up some of his story from the
servants and them; and so far as I can make it out, it seems to be
summat to this here effect - '

'Cut it short, old fellow,' interrupted Walker, who knew from
former experience that he of the top-boots was neither very concise
nor intelligible in his narratives.

'Let me alone,' replied Ikey, 'and I'll ha' wound up, and made my
lucky in five seconds.  This here young gen'lm'n's father - so I'm
told, mind ye - and the father o' the young voman, have always been
on very bad, out-and-out, rig'lar knock-me-down sort o' terms; but
somehow or another, when he was a wisitin' at some gentlefolk's
house, as he knowed at college, he came into contract with the
young lady.  He seed her several times, and then he up and said
he'd keep company with her, if so be as she vos agreeable.  Vell,
she vos as sweet upon him as he vos upon her, and so I s'pose they
made it all right; for they got married 'bout six months
arterwards, unbeknown, mind ye, to the two fathers - leastways so
I'm told.  When they heard on it - my eyes, there was such a
combustion!  Starvation vos the very least that vos to be done to
'em.  The young gen'lm'n's father cut him off vith a bob, 'cos he'd
cut himself off vith a wife; and the young lady's father he behaved
even worser and more unnat'ral, for he not only blow'd her up
dreadful, and swore he'd never see her again, but he employed a
chap as I knows - and as you knows, Mr. Valker, a precious sight
too well - to go about and buy up the bills and them things on
which the young husband, thinking his governor 'ud come round agin,
had raised the vind just to blow himself on vith for a time;
besides vich, he made all the interest he could to set other people
agin him.  Consequence vos, that he paid as long as he could; but
things he never expected to have to meet till he'd had time to turn
himself round, come fast upon him, and he vos nabbed.  He vos
brought here, as I said afore, last Vensday, and I think there's
about - ah, half-a-dozen detainers agin him down-stairs now.  I
have been,' added Ikey, 'in the purfession these fifteen year, and
I never met vith such windictiveness afore!'

'Poor creeturs!' exclaimed the coal-dealer's wife once more:  again
resorting to the same excellent prescription for nipping a sigh in
the bud.  'Ah! when they've seen as much trouble as I and my old
man here have, they'll be as comfortable under it as we are.'

'The young lady's a pretty creature,' said Walker, 'only she's a
little too delicate for my taste - there ain't enough of her.  As
to the young cove, he may be very respectable and what not, but
he's too down in the mouth for me - he ain't game.'

'Game!' exclaimed Ikey, who had been altering the position of a
green-handled knife and fork at least a dozen times, in order that
he might remain in the room under the pretext of having something
to do.  'He's game enough ven there's anything to be fierce about;
but who could be game as you call it, Mr. Walker, with a pale young
creetur like that, hanging about him? - It's enough to drive any
man's heart into his boots to see 'em together - and no mistake at
all about it.  I never shall forget her first comin' here; he wrote
to her on the Thursday to come - I know he did, 'cos I took the
letter.  Uncommon fidgety he was all day to be sure, and in the
evening he goes down into the office, and he says to Jacobs, says
he, "Sir, can I have the loan of a private room for a few minutes
this evening, without incurring any additional expense - just to
see my wife in?" says he.  Jacobs looked as much as to say -
"Strike me bountiful if you ain't one of the modest sort!" but as
the gen'lm'n who had been in the back parlour had just gone out,
and had paid for it for that day, he says - werry grave - "Sir,"
says he, "it's agin our rules to let private rooms to our lodgers
on gratis terms, but," says he, "for a gentleman, I don't mind
breaking through them for once."  So then he turns round to me, and
says, "Ikey, put two mould candles in the back parlour, and charge
'em to this gen'lm'n's account," vich I did.  Vell, by-and-by a
hackney-coach comes up to the door, and there, sure enough, was the
young lady, wrapped up in a hopera-cloak, as it might be, and all
alone.  I opened the gate that night, so I went up when the coach
come, and he vos a waitin' at the parlour door - and wasn't he a
trembling, neither?  The poor creetur see him, and could hardly
walk to meet him.  "Oh, Harry!" she says, "that it should have come
to this; and all for my sake," says she, putting her hand upon his
shoulder.  So he puts his arm round her pretty little waist, and
leading her gently a little way into the room, so that he might be
able to shut the door, he says, so kind and soft-like - "Why,
Kate," says he - '

'Here's the gentleman you want,' said Ikey, abruptly breaking off
in his story, and introducing Mr. Gabriel Parsons to the crest-
fallen Watkins Tottle, who at that moment entered the room.
Watkins advanced with a wooden expression of passive endurance, and
accepted the hand which Mr. Gabriel Parsons held out.

'I want to speak to you,' said Gabriel, with a look strongly
expressive of his dislike of the company.

'This way,' replied the imprisoned one, leading the way to the
front drawing-room, where rich debtors did the luxurious at the
rate of a couple of guineas a day.

'Well, here I am,' said Mr. Watkins, as he sat down on the sofa;
and placing the palms of his hands on his knees, anxiously glanced
at his friend's countenance.

'Yes; and here you're likely to be,' said Gabriel, coolly, as he
rattled the money in his unmentionable pockets, and looked out of
the window.

'What's the amount with the costs?' inquired Parsons, after an
awkward pause.

'Have you any money?'

'Nine and sixpence halfpenny.'

Mr. Gabriel Parsons walked up and down the room for a few seconds,
before he could make up his mind to disclose the plan he had
formed; he was accustomed to drive hard bargains, but was always
most anxious to conceal his avarice.  At length he stopped short,
and said, 'Tottle, you owe me fifty pounds.'

'I do.'

'And from all I see, I infer that you are likely to owe it to me.'

'I fear I am.'

'Though you have every disposition to pay me if you could?'

'Certainly.'

'Then,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'listen:  here's my proposition.
You know my way of old.  Accept it - yes or no - I will or I won't.
I'll pay the debt and costs, and I'll lend you 10L. more (which,
added to your annuity, will enable you to carry on the war well) if
you'll give me your note of hand to pay me one hundred and fifty
pounds within six months after you are married to Miss Lillerton.'

'My dear - '

'Stop a minute - on one condition; and that is, that you propose to
Miss Lillerton at once.'

'At once!  My dear Parsons, consider.'

'It's for you to consider, not me.  She knows you well from
reputation, though she did not know you personally until lately.
Notwithstanding all her maiden modesty, I think she'd be devilish
glad to get married out of hand with as little delay as possible.
My wife has sounded her on the subject, and she has confessed.'

'What - what?' eagerly interrupted the enamoured Watkins.

'Why,' replied Parsons, 'to say exactly what she has confessed,
would be rather difficult, because they only spoke in hints, and so
forth; but my wife, who is no bad judge in these cases, declared to
me that what she had confessed was as good as to say that she was
not insensible of your merits - in fact, that no other man should
have her.'

Mr. Watkins Tottle rose hastily from his seat, and rang the bell.

'What's that for?' inquired Parsons.

'I want to send the man for the bill stamp,' replied Mr. Watkins
Tottle.

'Then you've made up your mind?'

'I have,' - and they shook hands most cordially.  The note of hand
was given - the debt and costs were paid - Ikey was satisfied for
his trouble, and the two friends soon found themselves on that side
of Mr. Solomon Jacobs's establishment, on which most of his
visitors were very happy when they found themselves once again - to
wit, the OUTside.

'Now,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as they drove to Norwood together
- 'you shall have an opportunity to make the disclosure to-night,
and mind you speak out, Tottle.'

'I will - I will!' replied Watkins, valorously.

'How I should like to see you together,' ejaculated Mr. Gabriel
Parsons. - 'What fun!' and he laughed so long and so loudly, that
he disconcerted Mr. Watkins Tottle, and frightened the horse.

'There's Fanny and your intended walking about on the lawn,' said
Gabriel, as they approached the house.  'Mind your eye, Tottle.'

'Never fear,' replied Watkins, resolutely, as he made his way to
the spot where the ladies were walking.

'Here's Mr. Tottle, my dear,' said Mrs. Parsons, addressing Miss
Lillerton.  The lady turned quickly round, and acknowledged his
courteous salute with the same sort of confusion that Watkins had
noticed on their first interview, but with something like a slight
expression of disappointment or carelessness.

'Did you see how glad she was to see you?' whispered Parsons to his
friend.

'Why, I really thought she looked as if she would rather have seen
somebody else,' replied Tottle.

'Pooh, nonsense!' whispered Parsons again - 'it's always the way
with the women, young or old.  They never show how delighted they
are to see those whose presence makes their hearts beat.  It's the
way with the whole sex, and no man should have lived to your time
of life without knowing it.  Fanny confessed it to me, when we were
first married, over and over again - see what it is to have a
wife.'

'Certainly,' whispered Tottle, whose courage was vanishing fast.

'Well, now, you'd better begin to pave the way,' said Parsons, who,
having invested some money in the speculation, assumed the office
of director.

'Yes, yes, I will - presently,' replied Tottle, greatly flurried.

'Say something to her, man,' urged Parsons again.  'Confound it!
pay her a compliment, can't you?'

'No! not till after dinner,' replied the bashful Tottle, anxious to
postpone the evil moment.

'Well, gentlemen,' said Mrs. Parsons, 'you are really very polite;
you stay away the whole morning, after promising to take us out,
and when you do come home, you stand whispering together and take
no notice of us.'

'We were talking of the BUSINESS, my dear, which detained us this
morning,' replied Parsons, looking significantly at Tottle.

'Dear me! how very quickly the morning has gone,' said Miss
Lillerton, referring to the gold watch, which was wound up on state
occasions, whether it required it or not.

'I think it has passed very slowly,' mildly suggested Tottle.

('That's right - bravo!') whispered Parsons.

'Indeed!' said Miss Lillerton, with an air of majestic surprise.

'I can only impute it to my unavoidable absence from your society,
madam,' said Watkins, 'and that of Mrs. Parsons.'

During this short dialogue, the ladies had been leading the way to
the house.

'What the deuce did you stick Fanny into that last compliment for?'
inquired Parsons, as they followed together; 'it quite spoilt the
effect.'

'Oh! it really would have been too broad without,' replied Watkins
Tottle, 'much too broad!'

'He's mad!' Parsons whispered his wife, as they entered the
drawing-room, 'mad from modesty.'

'Dear me!' ejaculated the lady, 'I never heard of such a thing.'

'You'll find we have quite a family dinner, Mr. Tottle,' said Mrs.
Parsons, when they sat down to table:  'Miss Lillerton is one of
us, and, of course, we make no stranger of you.'

Mr. Watkins Tottle expressed a hope that the Parsons family never
would make a stranger of him; and wished internally that his
bashfulness would allow him to feel a little less like a stranger
himself.

'Take off the covers, Martha,' said Mrs. Parsons, directing the
shifting of the scenery with great anxiety.  The order was obeyed,
and a pair of boiled fowls, with tongue and et ceteras, were
displayed at the top, and a fillet of veal at the bottom.  On one
side of the table two green sauce-tureens, with ladles of the same,
were setting to each other in a green dish; and on the other was a
curried rabbit, in a brown suit, turned up with lemon.

'Miss Lillerton, my dear,' said Mrs. Parsons, 'shall I assist you?'

'Thank you, no; I think I'll trouble Mr. Tottle.'

Watkins started - trembled - helped the rabbit - and broke a
tumbler.  The countenance of the lady of the house, which had been
all smiles previously, underwent an awful change.

'Extremely sorry,' stammered Watkins, assisting himself to currie
and parsley and butter, in the extremity of his confusion.

'Not the least consequence,' replied Mrs. Parsons, in a tone which
implied that it was of the greatest consequence possible, -
directing aside the researches of the boy, who was groping under
the table for the bits of broken glass.

'I presume,' said Miss Lillerton, 'that Mr. Tottle is aware of the
interest which bachelors usually pay in such cases; a dozen glasses
for one is the lowest penalty.'

Mr. Gabriel Parsons gave his friend an admonitory tread on the toe.
Here was a clear hint that the sooner he ceased to be a bachelor
and emancipated himself from such penalties, the better.  Mr.
Watkins Tottle viewed the observation in the same light, and
challenged Mrs. Parsons to take wine, with a degree of presence of
mind, which, under all the circumstances, was really extraordinary.

'Miss Lillerton,' said Gabriel, 'may I have the pleasure?'

'I shall be most happy.'

'Tottle, will you assist Miss Lillerton, and pass the decanter.
Thank you.'  (The usual pantomimic ceremony of nodding and sipping
gone through) -

'Tottle, were you ever in Suffolk?' inquired the master of the
house, who was burning to tell one of his seven stock stories.

'No,' responded Watkins, adding, by way of a saving clause, 'but
I've been in Devonshire.'

'Ah!' replied Gabriel, 'it was in Suffolk that a rather singular
circumstance happened to me many years ago.  Did you ever happen to
hear me mention it?'

Mr. Watkins Tottle HAD happened to hear his friend mention it some
four hundred times.  Of course he expressed great curiosity, and
evinced the utmost impatience to hear the story again.  Mr. Gabriel
Parsons forthwith attempted to proceed, in spite of the
interruptions to which, as our readers must frequently have
observed, the master of the house is often exposed in such cases.
We will attempt to give them an idea of our meaning.

'When I was in Suffolk - ' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons.

'Take off the fowls first, Martha,' said Mrs. Parsons.  'I beg your
pardon, my dear.'

'When I was in Suffolk,' resumed Mr. Parsons, with an impatient
glance at his wife, who pretended not to observe it, 'which is now
years ago, business led me to the town of Bury St. Edmund's.  I had
to stop at the principal places in my way, and therefore, for the
sake of convenience, I travelled in a gig.  I left Sudbury one dark
night - it was winter time - about nine o'clock; the rain poured in
torrents, the wind howled among the trees that skirted the
roadside, and I was obliged to proceed at a foot-pace, for I could
hardly see my hand before me, it was so dark - '

'John,' interrupted Mrs. Parsons, in a low, hollow voice, 'don't
spill that gravy.'

'Fanny,' said Parsons impatiently, 'I wish you'd defer these
domestic reproofs to some more suitable time.  Really, my dear,
these constant interruptions are very annoying.'

'My dear, I didn't interrupt you,' said Mrs. Parsons.

'But, my dear, you DID interrupt me,' remonstrated Mr. Parsons.

'How very absurd you are, my love!  I must give directions to the
servants; I am quite sure that if I sat here and allowed John to
spill the gravy over the new carpet, you'd be the first to find
fault when you saw the stain to-morrow morning.'

'Well,' continued Gabriel with a resigned air, as if he knew there
was no getting over the point about the carpet, 'I was just saying,
it was so dark that I could hardly see my hand before me.  The road
was very lonely, and I assure you, Tottle (this was a device to
arrest the wandering attention of that individual, which was
distracted by a confidential communication between Mrs. Parsons and
Martha, accompanied by the delivery of a large bunch of keys), I
assure you, Tottle, I became somehow impressed with a sense of the
loneliness of my situation - '

'Pie to your master,' interrupted Mrs. Parsons, again directing the
servant.

'Now, pray, my dear,' remonstrated Parsons once more, very
pettishly.  Mrs. P. turned up her hands and eyebrows, and appealed
in dumb show to Miss Lillerton.  'As I turned a corner of the
road,' resumed Gabriel, 'the horse stopped short, and reared
tremendously.  I pulled up, jumped out, ran to his head, and found
a man lying on his back in the middle of the road, with his eyes
fixed on the sky.  I thought he was dead; but no, he was alive, and
there appeared to be nothing the matter with him.  He jumped up,
and putting his hand to his chest, and fixing upon me the most
earnest gaze you can imagine, exclaimed - '

'Pudding here,' said Mrs. Parsons.

'Oh! it's no use,' exclaimed the host, now rendered desperate.
'Here, Tottle; a glass of wine.  It's useless to attempt relating
anything when Mrs. Parsons is present.'

This attack was received in the usual way.  Mrs. Parsons talked TO
Miss Lillerton and AT her better half; expatiated on the impatience
of men generally; hinted that her husband was peculiarly vicious in
this respect, and wound up by insinuating that she must be one of
the best tempers that ever existed, or she never could put up with
it.  Really what she had to endure sometimes, was more than any one
who saw her in every-day life could by possibility suppose. - The
story was now a painful subject, and therefore Mr. Parsons declined
to enter into any details, and contented himself by stating that
the man was a maniac, who had escaped from a neighbouring mad-
house.

The cloth was removed; the ladies soon afterwards retired, and Miss
Lillerton played the piano in the drawing-room overhead, very
loudly, for the edification of the visitor.  Mr. Watkins Tottle and
Mr. Gabriel Parsons sat chatting comfortably enough, until the
conclusion of the second bottle, when the latter, in proposing an
adjournment to the drawing-room, informed Watkins that he had
concerted a plan with his wife, for leaving him and Miss Lillerton
alone, soon after tea.

'I say,' said Tottle, as they went up-stairs, 'don't you think it
would be better if we put it off till-till-to-morrow?'

'Don't YOU think it would have been much better if I had left you
in that wretched hole I found you in this morning?' retorted
Parsons bluntly.

'Well - well - I only made a suggestion,' said poor Watkins Tottle,
with a deep sigh.

Tea was soon concluded, and Miss Lillerton, drawing a small work-
table on one side of the fire, and placing a little wooden frame
upon it, something like a miniature clay-mill without the horse,
was soon busily engaged in making a watch-guard with brown silk.

'God bless me!' exclaimed Parsons, starting up with well-feigned
surprise, 'I've forgotten those confounded letters.  Tottle, I know
you'll excuse me.'

If Tottle had been a free agent, he would have allowed no one to
leave the room on any pretence, except himself.  As it was,
however, he was obliged to look cheerful when Parsons quitted the
apartment.

He had scarcely left, when Martha put her head into the room, with
- 'Please, ma'am, you're wanted.'

Mrs. Parsons left the room, shut the door carefully after her, and
Mr. Watkins Tottle was left alone with Miss Lillerton.

For the first five minutes there was a dead silence. - Mr. Watkins
Tottle was thinking how he should begin, and Miss Lillerton
appeared to be thinking of nothing.  The fire was burning low; Mr.
Watkins Tottle stirred it, and put some coals on.

'Hem!' coughed Miss Lillerton; Mr. Watkins Tottle thought the fair
creature had spoken.  'I beg your pardon,' said he.

'Eh?'

'I thought you spoke.'

'No.'

'Oh!'

'There are some books on the sofa, Mr. Tottle, if you would like to
look at them,' said Miss Lillerton, after the lapse of another five
minutes.

'No, thank you,' returned Watkins; and then he added, with a
courage which was perfectly astonishing, even to himself, 'Madam,
that is Miss Lillerton, I wish to speak to you.'

'To me!' said Miss Lillerton, letting the silk drop from her hands,
and sliding her chair back a few paces. - 'Speak - to me!'

'To you, madam - and on the subject of the state of your
affections.'  The lady hastily rose and would have left the room;
but Mr. Watkins Tottle gently detained her by the hand, and holding
it as far from him as the joint length of their arms would permit,
he thus proceeded:  'Pray do not misunderstand me, or suppose that
I am led to address you, after so short an acquaintance, by any
feeling of my own merits - for merits I have none which could give
me a claim to your hand.  I hope you will acquit me of any
presumption when I explain that I have been acquainted through Mrs.
Parsons, with the state - that is, that Mrs. Parsons has told me -
at least, not Mrs. Parsons, but - ' here Watkins began to wander,
but Miss Lillerton relieved him.

'Am I to understand, Mr. Tottle, that Mrs. Parsons has acquainted
you with my feeling - my affection - I mean my respect, for an
individual of the opposite sex?'

'She has.'

'Then, what?' inquired Miss Lillerton, averting her face, with a
girlish air, 'what could induce YOU to seek such an interview as
this?  What can your object be?  How can I promote your happiness,
Mr. Tottle?'

Here was the time for a flourish - 'By allowing me,' replied
Watkins, falling bump on his knees, and breaking two brace-buttons
and a waistcoat-string, in the act - 'By allowing me to be your
slave, your servant - in short, by unreservedly making me the
confidant of your heart's feelings - may I say for the promotion of
your own happiness - may I say, in order that you may become the
wife of a kind and affectionate husband?'

'Disinterested creature!' exclaimed Miss Lillerton, hiding her face
in a white pocket-handkerchief with an eyelet-hole border.

Mr. Watkins Tottle thought that if the lady knew all, she might
possibly alter her opinion on this last point.  He raised the tip
of her middle finger ceremoniously to his lips, and got off his
knees, as gracefully as he could.  'My information was correct?' he
tremulously inquired, when he was once more on his feet.

'It was.'  Watkins elevated his hands, and looked up to the
ornament in the centre of the ceiling, which had been made for a
lamp, by way of expressing his rapture.

'Our situation, Mr. Tottle,' resumed the lady, glancing at him
through one of the eyelet-holes, 'is a most peculiar and delicate
one.'

'It is,' said Mr. Tottle.

'Our acquaintance has been of SO short duration,' said Miss
Lillerton.

'Only a week,' assented Watkins Tottle.

'Oh! more than that,' exclaimed the lady, in a tone of surprise.

'Indeed!' said Tottle.

'More than a month - more than two months!' said Miss Lillerton.

'Rather odd, this,' thought Watkins.

'Oh!' he said, recollecting Parsons's assurance that she had known
him from report, 'I understand.  But, my dear madam, pray,
consider.  The longer this acquaintance has existed, the less
reason is there for delay now.  Why not at once fix a period for
gratifying the hopes of your devoted admirer?'

'It has been represented to me again and again that this is the
course I ought to pursue,' replied Miss Lillerton, 'but pardon my
feelings of delicacy, Mr. Tottle - pray excuse this embarrassment -
I have peculiar ideas on such subjects, and I am quite sure that I
never could summon up fortitude enough to name the day to my future
husband.'

'Then allow ME to name it,' said Tottle eagerly.

'I should like to fix it myself,' replied Miss Lillerton,
bashfully, 'but I cannot do so without at once resorting to a third
party.'

'A third party!' thought Watkins Tottle; 'who the deuce is that to
be, I wonder!'

'Mr. Tottle,' continued Miss Lillerton, 'you have made me a most
disinterested and kind offer - that offer I accept.  Will you at
once be the bearer of a note from me to - to Mr. Timson?'

'Mr. Timson!' said Watkins.

'After what has passed between us,' responded Miss Lillerton, still
averting her head, 'you must understand whom I mean; Mr. Timson,
the - the - clergyman.'

'Mr. Timson, the clergyman!' ejaculated Watkins Tottle, in a state
of inexpressible beatitude, and positive wonder at his own success.
'Angel!  Certainly - this moment!'

'I'll prepare it immediately,' said Miss Lillerton, making for the
door; 'the events of this day have flurried me so much, Mr. Tottle,
that I shall not leave my room again this evening; I will send you
the note by the servant.'

'Stay, - stay,' cried Watkins Tottle, still keeping a most
respectful distance from the lady; 'when shall we meet again?'

'Oh!  Mr. Tottle,' replied Miss Lillerton, coquettishly, 'when WE
are married, I can never see you too often, nor thank you too
much;' and she left the room.

Mr. Watkins Tottle flung himself into an arm-chair, and indulged in
the most delicious reveries of future bliss, in which the idea of
'Five hundred pounds per annum, with an uncontrolled power of
disposing of it by her last will and testament,' was somehow or
other the foremost.  He had gone through the interview so well, and
it had terminated so admirably, that he almost began to wish he had
expressly stipulated for the settlement of the annual five hundred
on himself.

'May I come in?' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, peeping in at the door.

'You may,' replied Watkins.

'Well, have you done it?' anxiously inquired Gabriel.

'Have I done it!' said Watkins Tottle.  'Hush - I'm going to the
clergyman.'

'No!' said Parsons.  'How well you have managed it!'

'Where does Timson live?' inquired Watkins.

'At his uncle's,' replied Gabriel, 'just round the lane.  He's
waiting for a living, and has been assisting his uncle here for the
last two or three months.  But how well you have done it - I didn't
think you could have carried it off so!'

Mr. Watkins Tottle was proceeding to demonstrate that the
Richardsonian principle was the best on which love could possibly
be made, when he was interrupted by the entrance of Martha, with a
little pink note folded like a fancy cocked-hat.

'Miss Lillerton's compliments,' said Martha, as she delivered it
into Tottle's hands, and vanished.

'Do you observe the delicacy?' said Tottle, appealing to Mr.
Gabriel Parsons.  'COMPLIMENTS, not LOVE, by the servant, eh?'

Mr. Gabriel Parsons didn't exactly know what reply to make, so he
poked the forefinger of his right hand between the third and fourth
ribs of Mr. Watkins Tottle.

'Come,' said Watkins, when the explosion of mirth, consequent on
this practical jest, had subsided, 'we'll be off at once - let's
lose no time.'

'Capital!' echoed Gabriel Parsons; and in five minutes they were at
the garden-gate of the villa tenanted by the uncle of Mr. Timson.

'Is Mr. Charles Timson at home?' inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle of Mr.
Charles Timson's uncle's man.

'Mr. Charles IS at home,' replied the man, stammering; 'but he
desired me to say he couldn't be interrupted, sir, by any of the
parishioners.'

'I am not a parishioner,' replied Watkins.

'Is Mr. Charles writing a sermon, Tom?' inquired Parsons, thrusting
himself forward.

'No, Mr. Parsons, sir; he's not exactly writing a sermon, but he is
practising the violoncello in his own bedroom, and gave strict
orders not to be disturbed.'

'Say I'm here,' replied Gabriel, leading the way across the garden;
'Mr. Parsons and Mr. Tottle, on private and particular business.'

They were shown into the parlour, and the servant departed to
deliver his message.  The distant groaning of the violoncello
ceased; footsteps were heard on the stairs; and Mr. Timson
presented himself, and shook hands with Parsons with the utmost
cordiality.

'Game!' exclaimed Ikey, who had been altering the position of a
green-handled knife and fork at least a dozen times, in order that
he might remain in the room under the pretext of having something
to do.  'He's game enough ven there's anything to be fierce about;
but who could be game as you call it, Mr. Walker, with a pale young
creetur like that, hanging about him? - It's enough to drive any
man's heart into his boots to see 'em together-and no mistake at
all about it.  I never shall forget her first comin' here; he wrote
to her on the Thursday to come - I know he did, 'cos I took the
letter.  Uncommon fidgety he was all day to be sure, and in the
evening he goes down into the office, and he says to Jacobs, says
he, "Sir, can I have the loan of a private room for a few minutes
this evening, without incurring any additional expense - just to
see my wife in?" says he.  Jacobs looked as much as to say -
"Strike me bountiful if you ain't one of the modest sort!" but as
the gen'lm'n who had been in the back parlour had just gone out,
and had paid for it for that day, he says - werry grave - "Sir,"
says he, "it's agin our rules to let private rooms to our lodgers
on gratis terms, but," says he, "for a gentleman, I don't mind
breaking through them for once."  So then he turns found to me, and
says, "Ikey, put two mould candles in the back parlour, and charge
'em to this gen'lm'n's account," vich I did.  Vell, by-and-by a
hackney-coach comes up to the door, and there, sure enough, was the
young lady, wrapped up in a hopera-cloak, as it might be, and all
alone.  I opened the gate that night, so I went up when the coach
come, and he vos a waitin' at the parlour door - and wasn't he a
trembling, neither?  The poor creetur see him, and could hardly
walk to meet him.  "Oh, Harry!" she says, "that it should have come
to this; and all for my sake," says she, putting her hand upon his
shoulder.  So he puts his arm round her pretty little waist, and
leading her gently a little way into the room, so that he might be
able to shut the door, he says, so kind and soft-like - "Why,
Kate," says he- '

'Here's the gentleman you want,' said Ikey, abruptly breaking off
in his story, and introducing Mr. Gabriel Parsons to the crest-
fallen Watkins Tottle, who at that moment entered the room.
Watkins advanced with a wooden expression of passive endurance, and
accepted the hand which Mr. Gabriel Parsons held out.

'I want to speak to you,' said Gabriel, with a look strongly
expressive of his dislike of the company.

'This way,' replied the imprisoned one, leading the way to the
front drawing-room, where rich debtors did the luxurious at the
rate of a couple of guineas a day.

'Well, here I am,' said Mr. Watkins, as he sat down on the sofa;
and placing the palms of his hands on his knees, anxiously glanced
at his friend's countenance.

'Yes; and here you're likely to be,' said Gabriel, coolly, as he
rattled the money in his unmentionable pockets, and looked out of
the window.

'What's the amount with the costs?' inquired Parsons, after an
awkward pause.

'Have you any money?'

'Nine and sixpence halfpenny.'

Mr. Gabriel Parsons walked up and down the room for a few seconds,
before he could make up his mind to disclose the plan he had
formed; he was accustomed to drive hard bargains, but was always
most anxious to conceal his avarice.  At length he stopped short,
and said, 'Tottle, you owe me fifty pounds.'

'I do.'

'And from all I see, I infer that you are likely to owe it to me.'

'I fear I am.'

'Though you have every disposition to pay me if you could?'

'Certainly.'

'Then,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, 'listen:  here's my proposition.
You know my way of old.  Accept it - yes or no - I will or I won't.
I'll pay the debt and costs, and I'll lend you 10L. more (which,
added to your annuity, will enable you to carry on the war well) if
you'll give me your note of hand to pay me one hundred and fifty
pounds within six months after you are married to Miss Lillerton.'

'My dear - '

'Stop a minute - on one condition; and that is, that you propose to
Miss Lillerton at once.'

'At once!  My dear Parsons, consider.'

'It's for you to consider, not me.  She knows you well from
reputation, though she did not know you personally until lately.
Notwithstanding all her maiden modesty, I think she'd be devilish
glad to get married out of hand with as little delay as possible.
My wife has sounded her on the subject, and she has confessed.'

'What - what?' eagerly interrupted the enamoured Watkins.

'Why,' replied Parsons, 'to say exactly what she has confessed,
would be rather difficult, because they only spoke in hints, and so
forth; but my wife, who is no bad judge in these cases, declared to
me that what she had confessed was as good as to say that she was
not insensible of your merits - in fact, that no other man should
have her.'

Mr. Watkins Tottle rose hastily from his seat, and rang the bell.

'What's that for?' inquired Parsons.

'I want to send the man for the bill stamp,' replied Mr. Watkins
Tottle.

'Then you've made up your mind?'

'I have,' - and they shook hands most cordially.  The note of hand
was given - the debt and costs were paid - Ikey was satisfied for
his trouble, and the two friends soon found themselves on that side
of Mr. Solomon Jacobs's establishment, on which most of his
visitors were very happy when they found themselves once again - to
wit, the outside.

'Now,' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, as they drove to Norwood together
- 'you shall have an opportunity to make the disclosure to-night,
and mind you speak out, Tottle.'

'I will - I will!' replied Watkins, valorously.

'How I should like to see you together,' ejaculated Mr. Gabriel
Parsons. - 'What fun!' and he laughed so long and so loudly, that
he disconcerted Mr. Watkins Tottle, and frightened the horse.

'There's Fanny and your intended walking about on the lawn,' said
Gabriel, as they approached the house.  'Mind your eye, Tottle.'

'Never fear,' replied Watkins, resolutely, as he made his way to
the spot where the ladies were walking.

'Here's Mr. Tottle, my dear,' said Mrs. Parsons, addressing Miss
Lillerton.  The lady turned quickly round, and acknowledged his
courteous salute with the same sort of confusion that Watkins had
noticed on their first interview, but with something like a slight
expression of disappointment or carelessness.

'Did you see how glad she was to see you?' whispered Parsons to his
friend.

'Why, I really thought she looked as if she would rather have seen
somebody else,' replied Tottle.

'Pooh, nonsense!' whispered Parsons again - 'it's always the way
with the women, young or old.  They never show how delighted they
are to see those whose presence makes their hearts beat.  It's the
way with the whole sex, and no man should have lived to your time
of life without knowing it.  Fanny confessed it to me, when we were
first married, over and over again - see what it is to have a
wife.'

'Certainly,' whispered Tottle, whose courage was vanishing fast.

'Well, now, you'd better begin to pave the way,' said Parsons, who,
having invested some money in the speculation, assumed the office
of director.

'Yes, yes, I will - presently,' replied Tottle, greatly flurried.

'Say something to her, man,' urged Parsons again.  'Confound it!
pay her a compliment, can't you?'

'No! not till after dinner,' replied the bashful Tottle, anxious to
postpone the evil moment.

'Well, gentlemen,' said Mrs. Parsons, 'you are really very polite;
you stay away the whole morning, after promising to take us out,
and when you do come home, you stand whispering together and take
no notice of us.'

'We were talking of the BUSINESS, my dear, which detained us this
morning,' replied Parsons, looking significantly at Tottle.

'Dear me! how very quickly the morning has gone,' said Miss
Lillerton, referring to the gold watch, which was wound up on state
occasions, whether it required it or not.

'I think it has passed very slowly,' mildly suggested Tottle.

('That's right - bravo!') whispered Parsons.

'Indeed!' said Miss Lillerton, with an air of majestic surprise.

'I can only impute it to my unavoidable absence from your society,
madam,' said Watkins, 'and that of Mrs. Parsons.'

During this short dialogue, the ladies had been leading the way to
the house.

'What the deuce did you stick Fanny into that last compliment for?'
inquired Parsons, as they followed together; 'it quite spoilt the
effect.'

'Oh! it really would have been too broad without,' replied Watkins
Tottle, 'much too broad!'

'He's mad!' Parsons whispered his wife, as they entered the
drawing-room, 'mad from modesty.'

'Dear me!' ejaculated the lady, 'I never heard of such a thing.'

'You'll find we have quite a family dinner, Mr. Tottle,' said Mrs.
Parsons, when they sat down to table:  'Miss Lillerton is one of
us, and, of course, we make no stranger of you.'

Mr. Watkins Tottle expressed a hope that the Parsons family never
would make a stranger of him; and wished internally that his
bashfulness would allow him to feel a little less like a stranger
himself.

'Take off the covers, Martha,' said Mrs. Parsons, directing the
shifting of the scenery with great anxiety.  The order was obeyed,
and a pair of boiled fowls, with tongue and et ceteras, were
displayed at the top, and a fillet of veal at the bottom.  On one
side of the table two green sauce-tureens, with ladles of the same,
were setting to each other in a green dish; and on the other was a
curried rabbit, in a brown suit, turned up with lemon.

'Miss Lillerton, my dear,' said Mrs. Parsons, 'shall I assist you?'

'Thank you, no; I think I'll trouble Mr. Tottle.'

Watkins started - trembled - helped the rabbit - and broke a
tumbler.  The countenance of the lady of the house, which had been
all smiles previously, underwent an awful change.

'Extremely sorry,' stammered Watkins, assisting himself to currie
and parsley and butter, in the extremity of his confusion.

'Not the least consequence,' replied Mrs. Parsons, in a tone which
implied that it was of the greatest consequence possible, -
directing aside the researches of the boy, who was groping under
the table for the bits of broken glass.

'I presume,' said Miss Lillerton, 'that Mr. Tottle is aware of the
interest which bachelors usually pay in such cases; a dozen glasses
for one is the lowest penalty.'

Mr. Gabriel Parsons gave his friend an admonitory tread on the toe.
Here was a clear hint that the sooner he ceased to be a bachelor
and-'emancipated himself from such penalties, the better.  Mr.
Watkins Tottle viewed the observation in the same light, and
challenged Mrs. Parsons to take wine, with a degree of presence of
mind, which, under all the circumstances, was really extraordinary.

'Miss Lillerton,' said Gabriel, 'may I have the pleasure?'

'I shall be most happy.'

'Tottle, will you assist Miss Lillerton, and pass the decanter.
Thank you.'  (The usual pantomimic ceremony of nodding and sipping
gone through) -

'Tottle, were you ever in Suffolk?' inquired the master of the
house, who was burning to tell one of his seven stock stories.

'No,' responded Watkins, adding, by way of a saving clause, 'but
I've been in Devonshire.'

'Ah!' replied Gabriel, 'it was in Suffolk that a rather singular
circumstance happened to me many years ago.  Did you ever happen to
hear me mention it?'

Mr. Watkins Tottle HAD happened to hear his friend mention it some
four hundred times.  Of course he expressed great curiosity, and
evinced the utmost impatience to hear the story again.  Mr. Gabriel
Parsons forthwith attempted to proceed, in spite of the
interruptions to which, as our readers must frequently have
observed, the master of the house is often exposed in such cases.
We will attempt to give them an idea of our meaning.

'When I was in Suffolk - ' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons.

'Take off the fowls first, Martha,' said Mrs. Parsons.  'I beg your
pardon, my dear.'

'When I was in Suffolk,' resumed Mr. Parsons, with an impatient
glance at his wife, who pretended not to observe it, 'which is now
years ago, business led me to the town of Bury St. Edmund's.  I had
to stop at the principal places in my way, and therefore, for the
sake of convenience, I travelled in a gig.  I left Sudbury one dark
night - it was winter time - about nine o'clock; the rain poured in
torrents, the wind howled among the trees that skirted the
roadside, and I was obliged to proceed at a foot-pace, for I could
hardly see my hand before me, it was so dark - '

'John,' interrupted Mrs. Parsons, in a low, hollow voice, 'don't
spill that gravy.'

'Fanny,' said Parsons impatiently, 'I wish you'd defer these
domestic reproofs to some more suitable time.  Really, my dear,
these constant interruptions are very annoying.'

'My dear, I didn't interrupt you,' said Mrs. Parsons.

'But, my dear, you did interrupt me,' remonstrated Mr. Parsons.

'How very absurd you are, my love!  I must give directions to the
servants; I am quite sure that if I sat here and allowed John to
spill the gravy over the new carpet, you'd be the first to find
fault when you saw the stain to-morrow morning.'

'Well,' continued Gabriel with a resigned air, as if he knew there
was no getting over the point about the carpet, 'I was just saying,
it was so dark that I could hardly see my hand before me.  The road
was very lonely, and I assure you, Tottle (this was a device to
arrest the wandering attention of that individual, which was
distracted by a confidential communication between Mrs. Parsons and
Martha, accompanied by the delivery of a large bunch of keys), I
assure you, Tottle, I became somehow impressed with a sense of the
loneliness of my situation - '

'Pie to your master,' interrupted Mrs. Parsons, again directing the
servant.

'Now, pray, my dear,' remonstrated Parsons once more, very
pettishly.  Mrs. P. turned up her hands and eyebrows, and appealed
in dumb show to Miss Lillerton.  'As I turned a corner of the
road,' resumed Gabriel, 'the horse stopped short, and reared
tremendously.  I pulled up, jumped out, ran to his head, and found
a man lying on his back in the middle of the road, with his eyes
fixed on the sky.  I thought he was dead; but no, he was alive, and
there appeared to be nothing the matter with him.  He jumped up,
and potting his hand to his chest, and fixing upon me the most
earnest gaze you can imagine, exclaimed - 'Pudding here,' said Mrs.
Parsons.

'Oh! it's no use,' exclaimed the host, now rendered desperate.
'Here, Tottle; a glass of wine.  It's useless to attempt relating
anything when Mrs. Parsons is present.'

This attack was received in the usual way.  Mrs. Parsons talked TO
Miss Lillerton and AT her better half; expatiated on the impatience
of men generally; hinted that her husband was peculiarly vicious in
this respect, and wound up by insinuating that she must be one of
the best tempers that ever existed, or she never could put up with
it.  Really what she had to endure sometimes, was more than any one
who saw her in every-day life could by possibility suppose. - The
story was now a painful subject, and therefore Mr. Parsons declined
to enter into any details, and contented himself by stating that
the man was a maniac, who had escaped from a neighbouring mad-
house.

The cloth was removed; the ladies soon afterwards retired, and Miss
Lillerton played the piano in the drawing-room overhead, very
loudly, for the edification of the visitor.  Mr. Watkins Tottle and
Mr. Gabriel Parsons sat chatting comfortably enough, until the
conclusion of the second bottle, when the latter, in proposing an
adjournment to the drawing-room, informed Watkins that he had
concerted a plan with his wife, for leaving him and Miss Lillerton
alone, soon after tea.

'I say,' said Tottle, as they went up-stairs, 'don't you think it
would be better if we put it off till-till-to-morrow?'

'Don't YOU think it would have been much better if I had left you
in that wretched hole I found you in this morning?' retorted
Parsons bluntly.

'Well - well - I only made a suggestion,' said poor Watkins Tottle,
with a deep sigh.

Tea was soon concluded, and Miss Lillerton, drawing a small work-
table on one side of the fire, and placing a little wooden frame
upon it, something like a miniature clay-mill without the horse,
was soon busily engaged in making a watch-guard with brown silk.

'God bless me!' exclaimed Parsons, starting up with well-feigned
surprise, 'I've forgotten those confounded letters.  Tottle, I know
you'll excuse me.'

If Tottle had been a free agent, he would have allowed no one to
leave the room on any pretence, except himself.  As it was,
however, he was obliged to look cheerful when Parsons quitted the
apartment.

He had scarcely left, when Martha put her head into the room, with
- 'Please, ma'am, you're wanted.'

Mrs. Parsons left the room, shut the door carefully after her, and
Mr. Watkins Tottle was left alone with Miss Lillerton.

For the first five minutes there was a dead silence. - Mr. Watkins
Tottle was thinking how he should begin, and Miss Lillerton
appeared to be thinking of nothing.  The fire was burning low; Mr.
Watkins Tottle stirred it, and put some coals on.

'Hem!' coughed Miss Lillerton; Mr. Watkins Tottle thought the fair
creature had spoken.  'I beg your pardon,' said he.

'Eh?'

'I thought you spoke.'

'No.'

'Oh!'

'There are some books on the sofa, Mr. Tottle, if you would like to
look at them,' said Miss Lillerton, after the lapse of another five
minutes.

'No, thank you,' returned Watkins; and then he added, with a
courage which was perfectly astonishing, even to himself, 'Madam,
that is Miss Lillerton, I wish to speak to you.'

'To me!' said Miss Lillerton, letting the silk drop from her hands,
and sliding her chair back a few paces. - 'Speak - to me!'

'To you, madam - and on the subject of the state of your
affections.'  The lady hastily rose and would have left the room;
but Mr. Watkins Tottle gently detained her by the hand, and holding
it as far from him as the joint length of their arms would permit,
he thus proceeded:  'Pray do not misunderstand me, or suppose that
I am led to address you, after so short an acquaintance, by any
feeling of my own merits - for merits I have none which could give
me a claim to your hand.  I hope you will acquit me of any
presumption when I explain that I have been acquainted through Mrs.
Parsons, with the state - that is, that Mrs. Parsons has told me -
at least, not Mrs. Parsons, but - ' here Watkins began to wander,
but Miss Lillerton relieved him.

'Am I to understand, Mr. Tottle, that Mrs. Parsons has acquainted
you with my feeling - my affection - I mean my respect, for an
individual of the opposite sex?'

'She has.'

'Then, what?' inquired Miss Lillerton, averting her face, with a
girlish air, 'what could induce YOU to seek such an interview as
this?  What can your object be?  How can I promote your happiness,
Mr. Tottle?'

Here was the time for a flourish - 'By allowing me,' replied
Watkins, falling bump on his knees, and breaking two brace-buttons
and a waistcoat-string, in the act - 'By allowing me to be your
slave, your servant - in short, by unreservedly making me the
confidant of your heart's feelings - may I say for the promotion of
your own happiness - may I say, in order that you may become the
wife of a kind and affectionate husband?'

'Disinterested creature!' exclaimed Miss Lillerton, hiding her face
in a white pocket-handkerchief with an eyelet-hole border.

Mr. Watkins Tottle thought that if the lady knew all, she might
possibly alter her opinion on this last point.  He raised the tip
of her middle finger ceremoniously to his lips, and got off his
knees, as gracefully as he could.  'My information was correct?' he
tremulously inquired, when he was once more on his feet.

'It was.'  Watkins elevated his hands, and looked up to the
ornament in the centre of the ceiling, which had been made for a
lamp, by way of expressing his rapture.

'Our situation, Mr. Tottle,' resumed the lady, glancing at him
through one of the eyelet-holes, 'is a most peculiar. and delicate
one.'

'It is,' said Mr. Tottle.

'Our acquaintance has been of SO short duration,' said Miss
Lillerton.

'Only a week,' assented Watkins Tottle.

'Oh! more than that,' exclaimed the lady, in a tone of surprise.

'Indeed!' said Tottle.

'More than a month - more than two months!' said Miss Lillerton.

'Rather odd, this,' thought Watkins.

'Oh!' he said, recollecting Parsons's assurance that she had known
him from report, 'I understand.  But, my dear madam, pray,
consider.  The longer this acquaintance has existed, the less
reason is I there for delay now.  Why not at once fix a period for
gratifying the hopes of your devoted admirer?'

'It has been represented to me again and again that this is the
course I ought to pursue,' replied Miss Lillerton, 'but pardon my
feelings of delicacy, Mr. Tottle - pray excuse this embarrassment -
I have peculiar ideas on such subjects, and I am quite sure that I
never could summon up fortitude enough to name the day to my future
husband.'

'Then allow ME to name it,' said Tottle eagerly.

'I should like to fix it myself,' replied Miss Lillerton,
bashfully, but I cannot do so without at once resorting to a third
party.'

'A third party!' thought Watkins Tottle; 'who the deuce is that to
be, I wonder!'

'Mr. Tottle,' continued Miss Lillerton, 'you have made me a most
disinterested and kind offer - that offer I accept.  Will you at
once be the bearer of a note from me to - to Mr. Timson?'

'Mr. Timson!' said Watkins.

'After what has passed between us,' responded Miss Lillerton, still
averting her head, 'you must understand whom I mean; Mr. Timson,
the - the - clergyman.'

'Mr. Timson, the clergyman!' ejaculated Watkins Tottle, in a state
of inexpressible beatitude, and positive wonder at his own success.
'Angel!  Certainly - this moment!'

'I'll prepare it immediately,' said Miss Lillerton, making for the
door; 'the events of this day have flurried me so much, Mr. Tottle,
that I shall not leave my room again this evening; I will send you
the note by the servant.'

'Stay, - stay,' cried Watkins Tottle, still keeping a most
respectful distance from the lady; 'when shall we meet again?'

'Oh!  Mr. Tottle,' replied Miss Lillerton, coquettishly, 'when we
are married, I can never see you too often, nor thank you too
much;' and she left the room.

Mr. Watkins Tottle flung himself into an arm-chair, and indulged in
the most delicious reveries of future bliss, in which the idea of
'Five hundred pounds per annum, with an uncontrolled power of
disposing of it by her last will and testament,' was somehow or
other the foremost.  He had gone through the interview so well, and
it had terminated so admirably, that he almost began to wish he had
expressly stipulated for the settlement of the annual five hundred
on himself.

'May I come in?' said Mr. Gabriel Parsons, peeping in at the door.

'You may,' replied Watkins.

'Well, have you done it?' anxiously inquired Gabriel.

'Have I done it!' said Watkins Tottle.  'Hush - I'm going to the
clergyman.'

'No!' said Parsons.  'How well you have managed it!'

'Where does Timson live?' inquired Watkins.

'At his uncle's,' replied Gabriel, 'just round the lane.  He's
waiting for a living, and has been assisting his uncle here for the
last two or three months.  But how well you have done it - I didn't
think you could have carried it off so!'

Mr. Watkins Tottle was proceeding to demonstrate that the
Richardsonian principle was the best on which love could possibly
be made, when he was interrupted by the entrance of Martha, with a
little pink note folded like a fancy cocked-hat.

'Miss Lillerton's compliments,' said Martha, as she delivered it
into Tottle's hands, and vanished.

'Do you observe the delicacy?' said Tottle, appealing to Mr.
Gabriel Parsons.  'COMPLIMENTS, not LOVE, by the servant, eh?'

Mr. Gabriel Parsons didn't exactly know what reply to make, so he
poked the forefinger of his right hand between the third and fourth
ribs of Mr. Watkins Tottle.

'Come,' said Watkins, when the explosion of mirth, consequent on
this practical jest, had subsided, 'we'll be off at once - let's
lose no time.'

'Capital!' echoed Gabriel Parsons; and in five minutes they were at
the garden-gate of the villa tenanted by the uncle of Mr. Timson.

'Is Mr. Charles Timson at home?' inquired Mr. Watkins Tottle of Mr.
Charles Timson's uncle's man.

'Mr. Charles IS at home,' replied the man, stammering; 'but he
desired me to say he couldn't be interrupted, sir, by any of the
parishioners.'

'I am not a parishioner,' replied Watkins.

'Is Mr. Charles writing a sermon, Tom?' inquired Parsons, thrusting
himself forward.

'No, Mr. Parsons, sir; he's not exactly writing a sermon, but he is
practising the violoncello in his own bedroom, and gave strict
orders not to be disturbed.'

'Say I'm here,' replied Gabriel, leading the way across the garden;
'Mr. Parsons and Mr. Tottle, on private and particular business.'

They were shown into the parlour, and the servant departed to
deliver his message.  The distant groaning of the violoncello
ceased; footsteps were heard on the stairs; and Mr. Timson
presented himself, and shook hands with Parsons with the utmost
cordiality.

'How do you do, sir?' said Watkins Tottle, with great solemnity.

'How do YOU do, sir?' replied Timson, with as much coldness as if
it were a matter of perfect indifference to him how he did, as it
very likely was.

'I beg to deliver this note to you,' said Watkins Tottle, producing
the cocked-hat.

'From Miss Lillerton!' said Timson, suddenly changing colour.
'Pray sit down.'

Mr. Watkins Tottle sat down; and while Timson perused the note,
fixed his eyes on an oyster-sauce-coloured portrait of the
Archbishop of Canterbury, which hung over the fireplace.

Mr. Timson rose from his seat when he had concluded the note, and
looked dubiously at Parsons.  'May I ask,' he inquired, appealing
to Watkins Tottle, 'whether our friend here is acquainted with the
object of your visit?'

'Our friend is in MY confidence,' replied Watkins, with
considerable importance.

'Then, sir,' said Timson, seizing both Tottle's hands, 'allow me in
his presence to thank you most unfeignedly and cordially, for the
noble part you have acted in this affair.'

'He thinks I recommended him,' thought Tottle.  'Confound these
fellows! they never think of anything but their fees.'

'I deeply regret having misunderstood your intentions, my dear
sir,' continued Timson.  'Disinterested and manly, indeed!  There
are very few men who would have acted as you have done.'

Mr. Watkins Tottle could not help thinking that this last remark
was anything but complimentary.  He therefore inquired, rather
hastily, 'When is it to be?'

'On Thursday,' replied Timson, - 'on Thursday morning at half-past
eight.'

'Uncommonly early,' observed Watkins Tottle, with an air of
triumphant self-denial.  'I shall hardly be able to get down here
by that hour.'  (This was intended for a joke.)

'Never mind, my dear fellow,' replied Timson, all suavity, shaking
hands with Tottle again most heartily, 'so long as we see you to
breakfast, you know - '

'Eh!' said Parsons, with one of the most extraordinary expressions
of countenance that ever appeared in a human face.

'What!' ejaculated Watkins Tottle, at the same moment.

'I say that so long as we see you to breakfast,' replied Timson,
'we will excuse your being absent from the ceremony, though of
course your presence at it would give us the utmost pleasure.'

Mr. Watkins Tottle staggered against the wall, and fixed his eyes
on Timson with appalling perseverance.

'Timson,' said Parsons, hurriedly brushing his hat with his left
arm, 'when you say "us," whom do you mean?'

Mr. Timson looked foolish in his turn, when he replied, 'Why - Mrs.
Timson that will be this day week:  Miss Lillerton that is - '

'Now don't stare at that idiot in the corner,' angrily exclaimed
Parsons, as the extraordinary convulsions of Watkins Tottle's
countenance excited the wondering gaze of Timson, - 'but have the
goodness to tell me in three words the contents of that note?'

'This note,' replied Timson, 'is from Miss Lillerton, to whom I
have been for the last five weeks regularly engaged.  Her singular
scruples and strange feeling on some points have hitherto prevented
my bringing the engagement to that termination which I so anxiously
desire.  She informs me here, that she sounded Mrs. Parsons with
the view of making her her confidante and go-between, that Mrs.
Parsons informed this elderly gentleman, Mr. Tottle, of the
circumstance, and that he, in the most kind and delicate terms,
offered to assist us in any way, and even undertook to convey this
note, which contains the promise I have long sought in vain - an
act of kindness for which I can never be sufficiently grateful.'

'Good night, Timson,' said Parsons, hurrying off, and carrying the
bewildered Tottle with him.

'Won't you stay - and have something?' said Timson.

'No, thank ye,' replied Parsons; 'I've had quite enough;' and away
he went, followed by Watkins Tottle in a state of stupefaction.

Mr. Gabriel Parsons whistled until they had walked some quarter of
a mile past his own gate, when he suddenly stopped, and said -

'You are a clever fellow, Tottle, ain't you?'

'I don't know,' said the unfortunate Watkins.

'I suppose you'll say this is Fanny's fault, won't you?' inquired
Gabriel.

'I don't know anything about it,' replied the bewildered Tottle.

'Well,' said Parsons, turning on his heel to go home, 'the next
time you make an offer, you had better speak plainly, and don't
throw a chance away.  And the next time you're locked up in a
spunging-house, just wait there till I come and take you out,
there's a good fellow.'

How, or at what hour, Mr. Watkins Tottle returned to Cecil-street
is unknown.  His boots were seen outside his bedroom-door next
morning; but we have the authority of his landlady for stating that
he neither emerged therefrom nor accepted sustenance for four-and-
twenty hours.  At the expiration of that period, and when a council
of war was being held in the kitchen on the propriety of summoning
the parochial beadle to break his door open, he rang his bell, and
demanded a cup of milk-and-water.  The next morning he went through
the formalities of eating and drinking as usual, but a week
afterwards he was seized with a relapse, while perusing the list of
marriages in a morning paper, from which he never perfectly
recovered.

A few weeks after the last-named occurrence, the body of a
gentleman unknown, was found in the Regent's canal.  In the
trousers-pockets were four shillings and threepence halfpenny; a
matrimonial advertisement from a lady, which appeared to have been
cut out of a Sunday paper:  a tooth-pick, and a card-case, which it
is confidently believed would have led to the identification of the
unfortunate gentleman, but for the circumstance of there being none
but blank cards in it.  Mr. Watkins Tottle absented himself from
his lodgings shortly before.  A bill, which has not been taken up,
was presented next morning; and a bill, which has not been taken
down, was soon afterwards affixed in his parlour-window.



CHAPTER XI - THE BLOOMSBURY CHRISTENING



Mr. Nicodemus Dumps, or, as his acquaintance called him, 'long
Dumps,' was a bachelor, six feet high, and fifty years old:  cross,
cadaverous, odd, and ill-natured.  He was never happy but when he
was miserable; and always miserable when he had the best reason to
be happy.  The only real comfort of his existence was to make
everybody about him wretched - then he might be truly said to enjoy
life.  He was afflicted with a situation in the Bank worth five
hundred a-year, and he rented a 'first-floor furnished,' at
Pentonville, which he originally took because it commanded a dismal
prospect of an adjacent churchyard.  He was familiar with the face
of every tombstone, and the burial service seemed to excite his
strongest sympathy.  His friends said he was surly - he insisted he
was nervous; they thought him a lucky dog, but he protested that he
was 'the most unfortunate man in the world.'  Cold as he was, and
wretched as he declared himself to be, he was not wholly
unsusceptible of attachments.  He revered the memory of Hoyle, as
he was himself an admirable and imperturbable whist-player, and he
chuckled with delight at a fretful and impatient adversary.  He
adored King Herod for his massacre of the innocents; and if he
hated one thing more than another, it was a child.  However, he
could hardly be said to hate anything in particular, because he
disliked everything in general; but perhaps his greatest
antipathies were cabs, old women, doors that would not shut,
musical amateurs, and omnibus cads.  He subscribed to the 'Society
for the Suppression of Vice' for the pleasure of putting a stop to
any harmless amusements; and he contributed largely towards the
support of two itinerant methodist parsons, in the amiable hope
that if circumstances rendered any people happy in this world, they
might perchance be rendered miserable by fears for the next.

Mr. Dumps had a nephew who had been married about a year, and who
was somewhat of a favourite with his uncle, because he was an
admirable subject to exercise his misery-creating powers upon.  Mr.
Charles Kitterbell was a small, sharp, spare man, with a very large
head, and a broad, good-humoured countenance.  He looked like a
faded giant, with the head and face partially restored; and he had
a cast in his eye which rendered it quite impossible for any one
with whom he conversed to know where he was looking.  His eyes
appeared fixed on the wall, and he was staring you out of
countenance; in short, there was no catching his eye, and perhaps
it is a merciful dispensation of Providence that such eyes are not
catching.  In addition to these characteristics, it may be added
that Mr. Charles Kitterbell was one of the most credulous and
matter-of-fact little personages that ever took TO himself a wife,
and FOR himself a house in Great Russell-street, Bedford-square.
(Uncle Dumps always dropped the 'Bedford-square,' and inserted in
lieu thereof the dreadful words 'Tottenham-court-road.')

'No, but, uncle, 'pon my life you must - you must promise to be
godfather,' said Mr. Kitterbell, as he sat in conversation with his
respected relative one morning.

'I cannot, indeed I cannot,' returned Dumps.

'Well, but why not?  Jemima will think it very unkind.  It's very
little trouble.'

'As to the trouble,' rejoined the most unhappy man in existence, 'I
don't mind that; but my nerves are in that state - I cannot go
through the ceremony.  You know I don't like going out. - For God's
sake, Charles, don't fidget with that stool so; you'll drive me
mad.'  Mr. Kitterbell, quite regardless of his uncle's nerves, had
occupied himself for some ten minutes in describing a circle on the
floor with one leg of the office-stool on which he was seated,
keeping the other three up in the air, and holding fast on by the
desk.

'I beg your pardon, uncle,' said Kitterbell, quite abashed,
suddenly releasing his hold of the desk, and bringing the three
wandering legs back to the floor, with a force sufficient to drive
them through it.

'But come, don't refuse.  If it's a boy, you know, we must have two
godfathers.'

'IF it's a boy!' said Dumps; 'why can't you say at once whether it
IS a boy or not?'

'I should be very happy to tell you, but it's impossible I can
undertake to say whether it's a girl or a boy, if the child isn't
born yet.'

'Not born yet!' echoed Dumps, with a gleam of hope lighting up his
lugubrious visage.  'Oh, well, it MAY be a girl, and then you won't
want me; or if it is a boy, it MAY die before it is christened.'

'I hope not,' said the father that expected to be, looking very
grave.

'I hope not,' acquiesced Dumps, evidently pleased with the subject.
He was beginning to get happy.  'I hope not, but distressing cases
frequently occur during the first two or three days of a child's
life; fits, I am told, are exceedingly common, and alarming
convulsions are almost matters of course.'

'Lord, uncle!' ejaculated little Kitterbell, gasping for breath.

'Yes; my landlady was confined - let me see - last Tuesday:  an
uncommonly fine boy.  On the Thursday night the nurse was sitting
with him upon her knee before the fire, and he was as well as
possible.  Suddenly he became black in the face, and alarmingly
spasmodic.  The medical man was instantly sent for, and every
remedy was tried, but - '

'How frightful!' interrupted the horror-stricken Kitterbell.

'The child died, of course.  However, your child MAY not die; and
if it should be a boy, and should LIVE to be christened, why I
suppose I must be one of the sponsors.'  Dumps was evidently good-
natured on the faith of his anticipations.

'Thank you, uncle,' said his agitated nephew, grasping his hand as
warmly as if he had done him some essential service.  'Perhaps I
had better not tell Mrs. K. what you have mentioned.'

'Why, if she's low-spirited, perhaps you had better not mention the
melancholy case to her,' returned Dumps, who of course had invented
the whole story; 'though perhaps it would be but doing your duty as
a husband to prepare her for the WORST.'

A day or two afterwards, as Dumps was perusing a morning paper at
the chop-house which he regularly frequented, the following-
paragraph met his eyes:-


'BIRTHS. - On Saturday, the 18th inst., in Great Russell-street,
the lady of Charles Kitterbell, Esq., of a son.'


'It IS a boy!' he exclaimed, dashing down the paper, to the
astonishment of the waiters.  'It IS a boy!'  But he speedily
regained his composure as his eye rested on a paragraph quoting the
number of infant deaths from the bills of mortality.

Six weeks passed away, and as no communication had been received
from the Kitterbells, Dumps was beginning to flatter himself that
the child was dead, when the following note painfully resolved his
doubts:-


'GREAT RUSSELL-STREET,
MONDAY MORNING.

DEAR UNCLE, - You will be delighted to hear that my dear Jemima has
left her room, and that your future godson is getting on capitally.
He was very thin at first, but he is getting much larger, and nurse
says he is filling out every day.  He cries a good deal, and is a
very singular colour, which made Jemima and me rather
uncomfortable; but as nurse says it's natural, and as of course we
know nothing about these things yet, we are quite satisfied with
what nurse says.  We think he will be a sharp child; and nurse says
she's sure he will, because he never goes to sleep.  You will
readily believe that we are all very happy, only we're a little
worn out for want of rest, as he keeps us awake all night; but this
we must expect, nurse says, for the first six or eight months.  He
has been vaccinated, but in consequence of the operation being
rather awkwardly performed, some small particles of glass were
introduced into the arm with the matter.  Perhaps this may in some
degree account for his being rather fractious; at least, so nurse
says.  We propose to have him christened at twelve o'clock on
Friday, at Saint George's church, in Hart-street, by the name of
Frederick Charles William.  Pray don't be later than a quarter
before twelve.  We shall have a very few friends in the evening,
when of course we shall see you.  I am sorry to say that the dear
boy appears rather restless and uneasy to-day:  the cause, I fear,
is fever.

'Believe me, dear Uncle,
'Yours affectionately,
'CHARLES KITTERBELL.

'P.S. - I open this note to say that we have just discovered the
cause of little Frederick's restlessness.  It is not fever, as I
apprehended, but a small pin, which nurse accidentally stuck in his
leg yesterday evening.  We have taken it out, and he appears more
composed, though he still sobs a good deal.'


It is almost unnecessary to say that the perusal of the above
interesting statement was no great relief to the mind of the
hypochondriacal Dumps.  It was impossible to recede, however, and
so he put the best face - that is to say, an uncommonly miserable
one - upon the matter; and purchased a handsome silver mug for the
infant Kitterbell, upon which he ordered the initials 'F. C. W.
K.,' with the customary untrained grape-vine-looking flourishes,
and a large full stop, to be engraved forthwith.

Monday was a fine day, Tuesday was delightful, Wednesday was equal
to either, and Thursday was finer than ever; four successive fine
days in London!  Hackney-coachmen became revolutionary, and
crossing-sweepers began to doubt the existence of a First Cause.
The MORNING HERALD informed its readers that an old woman in Camden
Town had been heard to say that the fineness of the season was
'unprecedented in the memory of the oldest inhabitant;' and
Islington clerks, with large families and small salaries, left off
their black gaiters, disdained to carry their once green cotton
umbrellas, and walked to town in the conscious pride of white
stockings and cleanly brushed Bluchers.  Dumps beheld all this with
an eye of supreme contempt - his triumph was at hand.  He knew that
if it had been fine for four weeks instead of four days, it would
rain when he went out; he was lugubriously happy in the conviction
that Friday would be a wretched day - and so it was.  'I knew how
it would be,' said Dumps, as he turned round opposite the Mansion-
house at half-past eleven o'clock on the Friday morning.  'I knew
how it would be.  I am concerned, and that's enough;' - and
certainly the appearance of the day was sufficient to depress the
spirits of a much more buoyant-hearted individual than himself.  It
had rained, without a moment's cessation, since eight o'clock;
everybody that passed up Cheapside, and down Cheapside, looked wet,
cold, and dirty.  All sorts of forgotten and long-concealed
umbrellas had been put into requisition.  Cabs whisked about, with
the 'fare' as carefully boxed up behind two glazed calico curtains
as any mysterious picture in any one of Mrs. Radcliffe's castles;
omnibus horses smoked like steam-engines; nobody thought of
'standing up' under doorways or arches; they were painfully
convinced it was a hopeless case; and so everybody went hastily
along, jumbling and jostling, and swearing and perspiring, and
slipping about, like amateur skaters behind wooden chairs on the
Serpentine on a frosty Sunday.

Dumps paused; he could not think of walking, being rather smart for
the christening.  If he took a cab he was sure to be spilt, and a
hackney-coach was too expensive for his economical ideas.  An
omnibus was waiting at the opposite corner - it was a desperate
case - he had never heard of an omnibus upsetting or running away,
and if the cad did knock him down, he could 'pull him up' in
return.

'Now, sir!' cried the young gentleman who officiated as 'cad' to
the 'Lads of the Village,' which was the name of the machine just
noticed.  Dumps crossed.

'This vay, sir!' shouted the driver of the 'Hark-away,' pulling up
his vehicle immediately across the door of the opposition - 'This
vay, sir - he's full.'  Dumps hesitated, whereupon the 'Lads of the
Village' commenced pouring out a torrent of abuse against the
'Hark-away;' but the conductor of the 'Admiral Napier' settled the
contest in a most satisfactory manner, for all parties, by seizing
Dumps round the waist, and thrusting him into the middle of his
vehicle which had just come up and only wanted the sixteenth
inside.

'All right,' said the 'Admiral,' and off the thing thundered, like
a fire-engine at full gallop, with the kidnapped customer inside,
standing in the position of a half doubled-up bootjack, and falling
about with every jerk of the machine, first on the one side, and
then on the other, like a 'Jack-in-the-green,' on May-day, setting
to the lady with a brass ladle.

'For Heaven's sake, where am I to sit?' inquired the miserable man
of an old gentleman, into whose stomach he had just fallen for the
fourth time.

'Anywhere but on my CHEST, sir,' replied the old gentleman in a
surly tone.

'Perhaps the BOX would suit the gentleman better,' suggested a very
damp lawyer's clerk, in a pink shirt, and a smirking countenance.

After a great deal of struggling and falling about, Dumps at last
managed to squeeze himself into a seat, which, in addition to the
slight disadvantage of being between a window that would not shut,
and a door that must be open, placed him in close contact with a
passenger, who had been walking about all the morning without an
umbrella, and who looked as if he had spent the day in a full
water-butt - only wetter.

'Don't bang the door so,' said Dumps to the conductor, as he shut
it after letting out four of the passengers; I am very nervous - it
destroys me.'

'Did any gen'lm'n say anythink?' replied the cad, thrusting in his
head, and trying to look as if he didn't understand the request.

'I told you not to bang the door so!' repeated Dumps, with an
expression of countenance like the knave of clubs, in convulsions.

'Oh! vy, it's rather a sing'ler circumstance about this here door,
sir, that it von't shut without banging,' replied the conductor;
and he opened the door very wide, and shut it again with a terrific
bang, in proof of the assertion.

'I beg your pardon, sir,' said a little prim, wheezing old
gentleman, sitting opposite Dumps, 'I beg your pardon; but have you
ever observed, when you have been in an omnibus on a wet day, that
four people out of five always come in with large cotton umbrellas,
without a handle at the top, or the brass spike at the bottom?'

'Why, sir,' returned Dumps, as he heard the clock strike twelve,
'it never struck me before; but now you mention it, I - Hollo!
hollo!' shouted the persecuted individual, as the omnibus dashed
past Drury-lane, where he had directed to be set down. - 'Where is
the cad?'

'I think he's on the box, sir,' said the young gentleman before
noticed in the pink shirt, which looked like a white one ruled with
red ink.

'I want to be set down!' said Dumps in a faint voice, overcome by
his previous efforts.

'I think these cads want to be SET DOWN,' returned the attorney's
clerk, chuckling at his sally.

'Hollo!' cried Dumps again.

'Hollo!' echoed the passengers.  The omnibus passed St. Giles's
church.

'Hold hard!' said the conductor; 'I'm blowed if we ha'n't forgot
the gen'lm'n as vas to be set down at Doory-lane. - Now, sir, make
haste, if you please,' he added, opening the door, and assisting
Dumps out with as much coolness as if it was 'all right.'  Dumps's
indignation was for once getting the better of his cynical
equanimity.  'Drury-lane!' he gasped, with the voice of a boy in a
cold bath for the first time.

'Doory-lane, sir? - yes, sir, - third turning on the right-hand
side, sir.'

Dumps's passion was paramount:  he clutched his umbrella, and was
striding off with the firm determination of not paying the fare.
The cad, by a remarkable coincidence, happened to entertain a
directly contrary opinion, and Heaven knows how far the altercation
would have proceeded, if it had not been most ably and
satisfactorily brought to a close by the driver.

'Hollo!' said that respectable person, standing up on the box, and
leaning with one hand on the roof of the omnibus.  'Hollo, Tom!
tell the gentleman if so be as he feels aggrieved, we will take him
up to the Edge-er (Edgeware) Road for nothing, and set him down at
Doory-lane when we comes back.  He can't reject that, anyhow.'

The argument was irresistible:  Dumps paid the disputed sixpence,
and in a quarter of an hour was on the staircase of No. 14, Great
Russell-street.

Everything indicated that preparations were making for the
reception of 'a few friends' in the evening.  Two dozen extra
tumblers, and four ditto wine-glasses - looking anything but
transparent, with little bits of straw in them on the slab in the
passage, just arrived.  There was a great smell of nutmeg, port
wine, and almonds, on the staircase; the covers were taken off the
stair-carpet, and the figure of Venus on the first landing looked
as if she were ashamed of the composition-candle in her right hand,
which contrasted beautifully with the lamp-blacked drapery of the
goddess of love.  The female servant (who looked very warm and
bustling) ushered Dumps into a front drawing-room, very prettily
furnished, with a plentiful sprinkling of little baskets, paper
table-mats, china watchmen, pink and gold albums, and rainbow-bound
little books on the different tables.

'Ah, uncle!' said Mr. Kitterbell, 'how d'ye do?  Allow me - Jemima,
my dear - my uncle.  I think you've seen Jemima before, sir?'

'Have had the PLEASURE,' returned big Dumps, his tone and look
making it doubtful whether in his life he had ever experienced the
sensation.

'I'm sure,' said Mrs. Kitterbell, with a languid smile, and a
slight cough.  'I'm sure - hem - any friend - of Charles's - hem -
much less a relation, is - '

'I knew you'd say so, my love,' said little Kitterbell, who, while
he appeared to be gazing on the opposite houses, was looking at his
wife with a most affectionate air:  'Bless you!'  The last two
words were accompanied with a simper, and a squeeze of the hand,
which stirred up all Uncle Dumps's bile.

'Jane, tell nurse to bring down baby,' said Mrs. Kitterbell,
addressing the servant.  Mrs. Kitterbell was a tall, thin young
lady, with very light hair, and a particularly white face - one of
those young women who almost invariably, though one hardly knows
why, recall to one's mind the idea of a cold fillet of veal.  Out
went the servant, and in came the nurse, with a remarkably small
parcel in her arms, packed up in a blue mantle trimmed with white
fur. - This was the baby.

'Now, uncle,' said Mr. Kitterbell, lifting up that part of the
mantle which covered the infant's face, with an air of great
triumph, 'WHO do you think he's like?'

'He! he!  Yes, who?' said Mrs. K., putting her arm through her
husband's, and looking up into Dumps's face with an expression of
as much interest as she was capable of displaying.

'Good God, how small he is!' cried the amiable uncle, starting back
with well-feigned surprise; 'REMARKABLY small indeed.'

'Do you think so?' inquired poor little Kitterbell, rather alarmed.
'He's a monster to what he was - ain't he, nurse?'

'He's a dear,' said the nurse, squeezing the child, and evading the
question - not because she scrupled to disguise the fact, but
because she couldn't afford to throw away the chance of Dumps's
half-crown.

'Well, but who is he like?' inquired little Kitterbell.

Dumps looked at the little pink heap before him, and only thought
at the moment of the best mode of mortifying the youthful parents.

'I really don't know WHO he's like,' he answered, very well knowing
the reply expected of him.

'Don't you think he's like ME?' inquired his nephew with a knowing
air.

'Oh, DECIDEDLY not!' returned Dumps, with an emphasis not to be
misunderstood.  'Decidedly not like you. - Oh, certainly not.'

'Like Jemima?' asked Kitterbell, faintly.

'Oh, dear no; not in the least.  I'm no judge, of course, in such
cases; but I really think he's more like one of those little carved
representations that one sometimes sees blowing a trumpet on a
tombstone!'  The nurse stooped down over the child, and with great
difficulty prevented an explosion of mirth.  Pa and ma looked
almost as miserable as their amiable uncle.

'Well!' said the disappointed little father, 'you'll be better able
to tell what he's like by-and-by.  You shall see him this evening
with his mantle off.'

'Thank you,' said Dumps, feeling particularly grateful.

'Now, my love,' said Kitterbell to his wife, 'it's time we were
off.  We're to meet the other godfather and the godmother at the
church, uncle, - Mr. and Mrs. Wilson from over the way - uncommonly
nice people.  My love, are you well wrapped up?'

'Yes, dear.'

'Are you sure you won't have another shawl?' inquired the anxious
husband.

'No, sweet,' returned the charming mother, accepting Dumps's
proffered arm; and the little party entered the hackney-coach that
was to take them to the church; Dumps amusing Mrs. Kitterbell by
expatiating largely on the danger of measles, thrush, teeth-
cutting, and other interesting diseases to which children are
subject.

The ceremony (which occupied about five minutes) passed off without
anything particular occurring.  The clergyman had to dine some
distance from town, and had two churchings, three christenings, and
a funeral to perform in something less than an hour.  The
godfathers and godmother, therefore, promised to renounce the devil
and all his works - 'and all that sort of thing' - as little
Kitterbell said - 'in less than no time;' and with the exception of
Dumps nearly letting the child fall into the font when he handed it
to the clergyman, the whole affair went off in the usual business-
like and matter-of-course manner, and Dumps re-entered the Bank-
gates at two o'clock with a heavy heart, and the painful conviction
that he was regularly booked for an evening party.

Evening came - and so did Dumps's pumps, black silk stockings, and
white cravat which he had ordered to be forwarded, per boy, from
Pentonville.  The depressed godfather dressed himself at a friend's
counting-house, from whence, with his spirits fifty degrees below
proof, he sallied forth - as the weather had cleared up, and the
evening was tolerably fine - to walk to Great Russell-street.
Slowly he paced up Cheapside, Newgate-street, down Snow-hill, and
up Holborn ditto, looking as grim as the figure-head of a man-of-
war, and finding out fresh causes of misery at every step.  As he
was crossing the corner of Hatton-garden, a man apparently
intoxicated, rushed against him, and would have knocked him down,
had he not been providentially caught by a very genteel young man,
who happened to be close to him at the time.  The shock so
disarranged Dumps's nerves, as well as his dress, that he could
hardly stand.  The gentleman took his arm, and in the kindest
manner walked with him as far as Furnival's Inn.  Dumps, for about
the first time in his life, felt grateful and polite; and he and
the gentlemanly-looking young man parted with mutual expressions of
good will.

'There are at least some well-disposed men in the world,' ruminated
the misanthropical Dumps, as he proceeded towards his destination.

Rat - tat - ta-ra-ra-ra-ra-rat - knocked a hackney-coachman at
Kitterbell's door, in imitation of a gentleman's servant, just as
Dumps reached it; and out came an old lady in a large toque, and an
old gentleman in a blue coat, and three female copies of the old
lady in pink dresses, and shoes to match.

'It's a large party,' sighed the unhappy godfather, wiping the
perspiration from his forehead, and leaning against the area-
railings.  It was some time before the miserable man could muster
up courage to knock at the door, and when he did, the smart
appearance of a neighbouring greengrocer (who had been hired to
wait for seven and sixpence, and whose calves alone were worth
double the money), the lamp in the passage, and the Venus on the
landing, added to the hum of many voices, and the sound of a harp
and two violins, painfully convinced him that his surmises were but
too well founded.

'How are you?' said little Kitterbell, in a greater bustle than
ever, bolting out of the little back parlour with a cork-screw in
his hand, and various particles of sawdust, looking like so many
inverted commas, on his inexpressibles.

'Good God!' said Dumps, turning into the aforesaid parlour to put
his shoes on, which he had brought in his coat-pocket, and still
more appalled by the sight of seven fresh-drawn corks, and a
corresponding number of decanters.  'How many people are there up-
stairs?'

'Oh, not above thirty-five.  We've had the carpet taken up in the
back drawing-room, and the piano and the card-tables are in the
front.  Jemima thought we'd better have a regular sit-down supper
in the front parlour, because of the speechifying, and all that.
But, Lord! uncle, what's the matter?' continued the excited little
man, as Dumps stood with one shoe on, rummaging his pockets with
the most frightful distortion of visage.  'What have you lost?
Your pocket-book?'

'No,' returned Dumps, diving first into one pocket and then into
the other, and speaking in a voice like Desdemona with the pillow
over her mouth.

'Your card-case? snuff-box? the key of your lodgings?' continued
Kitterbell, pouring question on question with the rapidity of
lightning.

'No! no!' ejaculated Dumps, still diving eagerly into his empty
pockets.

'Not - not - the MUG you spoke of this morning?'

'Yes, the MUG!' replied Dumps, sinking into a chair.

'How COULD you have done it?' inquired Kitterbell.  'Are you sure
you brought it out?'

'Yes! yes!  I see it all!' said Dumps, starting up as the idea
flashed across his mind; 'miserable dog that I am - I was born to
suffer.  I see it all:  it was the gentlemanly-looking young man!'

'Mr. Dumps!' shouted the greengrocer in a stentorian voice, as he
ushered the somewhat recovered godfather into the drawing-room half
an hour after the above declaration.  'Mr. Dumps!' - everybody
looked at the door, and in came Dumps, feeling about as much out of
place as a salmon might be supposed to be on a gravel-walk.

'Happy to see you again,' said Mrs. Kitterbell, quite unconscious
of the unfortunate man's confusion and misery; 'you must allow me
to introduce you to a few of our friends:- my mamma, Mr. Dumps - my
papa and sisters.'  Dumps seized the hand of the mother as warmly
as if she was his own parent, bowed TO the young ladies, and
AGAINST a gentleman behind him, and took no notice whatever of the
father, who had been bowing incessantly for three minutes and a
quarter.

'Uncle,' said little Kitterbell, after Dumps had been introduced to
a select dozen or two, 'you must let me lead you to the other end
of the room, to introduce you to my friend Danton.  Such a splendid
fellow! - I'm sure you'll like him - this way,' - Dumps followed as
tractably as a tame bear.

Mr. Danton was a young man of about five-and-twenty, with a
considerable stock of impudence, and a very small share of ideas:
he was a great favourite, especially with young ladies of from
sixteen to twenty-six years of age, both inclusive.  He could
imitate the French-horn to admiration, sang comic songs most
inimitably, and had the most insinuating way of saying impertinent
nothings to his doting female admirers.  He had acquired, somehow
or other, the reputation of being a great wit, and, accordingly,
whenever he opened his mouth, everybody who knew him laughed very
heartily.

The introduction took place in due form.  Mr. Danton bowed, and
twirled a lady's handkerchief, which he held in his hand, in a most
comic way.  Everybody smiled.

'Very warm,' said Dumps, feeling it necessary to say something.

'Yes.  It was warmer yesterday,' returned the brilliant Mr. Danton.
- A general laugh.

'I have great pleasure in congratulating you on your first
appearance in the character of a father, sir,' he continued,
addressing Dumps - 'godfather, I mean.' - The young ladies were
convulsed, and the gentlemen in ecstasies.

A general hum of admiration interrupted the conversation, and
announced the entrance of nurse with the baby.  An universal rush
of the young ladies immediately took place.  (Girls are always SO
fond of babies in company.)

'Oh, you dear!' said one.

'How sweet!' cried another, in a low tone of the most enthusiastic
admiration.

'Heavenly!' added a third.

'Oh! what dear little arms!' said a fourth, holding up an arm and
fist about the size and shape of the leg of a fowl cleanly picked.

'Did you ever!' - said a little coquette with a large bustle, who
looked like a French lithograph, appealing to a gentleman in three
waistcoats - 'Did you ever!'

'Never, in my life,' returned her admirer, pulling up his collar.

'Oh! DO let me take it, nurse,' cried another young lady.  'The
love!'

'Can it open its eyes, nurse?' inquired another, affecting the
utmost innocence. - Suffice it to say, that the single ladies
unanimously voted him an angel, and that the married ones, NEM.
CON., agreed that he was decidedly the finest baby they had ever
beheld - except their own.

The quadrilles were resumed with great spirit.  Mr. Danton was
universally admitted to be beyond himself; several young ladies
enchanted the company and gained admirers by singing 'We met' - 'I
saw her at the Fancy Fair' - and other equally sentimental and
interesting ballads.  'The young men,' as Mrs. Kitterbell said,
'made themselves very agreeable;' the girls did not lose their
opportunity; and the evening promised to go off excellently.  Dumps
didn't mind it:  he had devised a plan for himself - a little bit
of fun in his own way - and he was almost happy!  He played a
rubber and lost every point Mr. Danton said he could not have lost
every point, because he made a point of losing:  everybody laughed
tremendously.  Dumps retorted with a better joke, and nobody
smiled, with the exception of the host, who seemed to consider it
his duty to laugh till he was black in the face, at everything.
There was only one drawback - the musicians did not play with quite
as much spirit as could have been wished.  The cause, however, was
satisfactorily explained; for it appeared, on the testimony of a
gentleman who had come up from Gravesend in the afternoon, that
they had been engaged on board a steamer all day, and had played
almost without cessation all the way to Gravesend, and all the way
back again.

The 'sit-down supper' was excellent; there were four barley-sugar
temples on the table, which would have looked beautiful if they had
not melted away when the supper began; and a water-mill, whose only
fault was that instead of going round, it ran over the table-cloth.
Then there were fowls, and tongue, and trifle, and sweets, and
lobster salad, and potted beef - and everything.  And little
Kitterbell kept calling out for clean plates, and the clean plates
did not come:  and then the gentlemen who wanted the plates said
they didn't mind, they'd take a lady's; and then Mrs. Kitterbell
applauded their gallantry, and the greengrocer ran about till he
thought his seven and sixpence was very hardly earned; and the
young ladies didn't eat much for fear it shouldn't look romantic,
and the married ladies eat as much as possible, for fear they
shouldn't have enough; and a great deal of wine was drunk, and
everybody talked and laughed considerably.

'Hush! hush!' said Mr. Kitterbell, rising and looking very
important.  'My love (this was addressed to his wife at the other
end of the table), take care of Mrs. Maxwell, and your mamma, and
the rest of the married ladies; the gentlemen will persuade the
young ladies to fill their glasses, I am sure.'

'Ladies and gentlemen,' said long Dumps, in a very sepulchral voice
and rueful accent, rising from his chair like the ghost in Don
Juan, 'will you have the kindness to charge your glasses?  I am
desirous of proposing a toast.'

A dead silence ensued, and the glasses were filled - everybody
looked serious.

'Ladies and gentlemen,' slowly continued the ominous Dumps, 'I' -
(here Mr. Danton imitated two notes from the French-horn, in a very
loud key, which electrified the nervous toast-proposer, and
convulsed his audience).

'Order! order!' said little Kitterbell, endeavouring to suppress
his laughter.

'Order!' said the gentlemen.

'Danton, be quiet,' said a particular friend on the opposite side
of the table.

'Ladies and gentlemen,' resumed Dumps, somewhat recovered, and not
much disconcerted, for he was always a pretty good hand at a speech
- 'In accordance with what is, I believe, the established usage on
these occasions, I, as one of the godfathers of Master Frederick
Charles William Kitterbell - (here the speaker's voice faltered,
for he remembered the mug) - venture to rise to propose a toast.  I
need hardly say that it is the health and prosperity of that young
gentleman, the particular event of whose early life we are here met
to celebrate - (applause).  Ladies and gentlemen, it is impossible
to suppose that our friends here, whose sincere well-wishers we all
are, can pass through life without some trials, considerable
suffering, severe affliction, and heavy losses!' - Here the arch-
traitor paused, and slowly drew forth a long, white pocket-
handkerchief - his example was followed by several ladies.  'That
these trials may be long spared them is my most earnest prayer, my
most fervent wish (a distinct sob from the grandmother).  I hope
and trust, ladies and gentlemen, that the infant whose christening
we have this evening met to celebrate, may not be removed from the
arms of his parents by premature decay (several cambrics were in
requisition):  that his young and now APPARENTLY healthy form, may
not be wasted by lingering disease.  (Here Dumps cast a sardonic
glance around, for a great sensation was manifest among the married
ladies.)  You, I am sure, will concur with me in wishing that he
may live to be a comfort and a blessing to his parents.  ("Hear,
hear!" and an audible sob from Mr. Kitterbell.)  But should he not
be what we could wish - should he forget in after times the duty
which he owes to them - should they unhappily experience that
distracting truth, "how sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to
have a thankless child"' - Here Mrs. Kitterbell, with her
handkerchief to her eyes, and accompanied by several ladies, rushed
from the room, and went into violent hysterics in the passage,
leaving her better half in almost as bad a condition, and a general
impression in Dumps's favour; for people like sentiment, after all.

It need hardly be added, that this occurrence quite put a stop to
the harmony of the evening.  Vinegar, hartshorn, and cold water,
were now as much in request as negus, rout-cakes, and BON-BONS had
been a short time before.  Mrs. Kitterbell was immediately conveyed
to her apartment, the musicians were silenced, flirting ceased, and
the company slowly departed.  Dumps left the house at the
commencement of the bustle, and walked home with a light step, and
(for him) a cheerful heart.  His landlady, who slept in the next
room, has offered to make oath that she heard him laugh, in his
peculiar manner, after he had locked his door.  The assertion,
however, is so improbable, and bears on the face of it such strong
evidence of untruth, that it has never obtained credence to this
hour.

The family of Mr. Kitterbell has considerably increased since the
period to which we have referred; he has now two sons and a
daughter; and as he expects, at no distant period, to have another
addition to his blooming progeny, he is anxious to secure an
eligible godfather for the occasion.  He is determined, however, to
impose upon him two conditions.  He must bind himself, by a solemn
obligation, not to make any speech after supper; and it is
indispensable that he should be in no way connected with 'the most
miserable man in the world.'



CHAPTER XII - THE DRUNKARD'S DEATH



We will be bold to say, that there is scarcely a man in the
constant habit of walking, day after day, through any of the
crowded thoroughfares of London, who cannot recollect among the
people whom he 'knows by sight,' to use a familiar phrase, some
being of abject and wretched appearance whom he remembers to have
seen in a very different condition, whom he has observed sinking
lower and lower, by almost imperceptible degrees, and the
shabbiness and utter destitution of whose appearance, at last,
strike forcibly and painfully upon him, as he passes by.  Is there
any man who has mixed much with society, or whose avocations have
caused him to mingle, at one time or other, with a great number of
people, who cannot call to mind the time when some shabby,
miserable wretch, in rags and filth, who shuffles past him now in
all the squalor of disease and poverty, with a respectable
tradesman, or clerk, or a man following some thriving pursuit, with
good prospects, and decent means? - or cannot any of our readers
call to mind from among the list of their QUONDAM acquaintance,
some fallen and degraded man, who lingers about the pavement in
hungry misery - from whom every one turns coldly away, and who
preserves himself from sheer starvation, nobody knows how?  Alas!
such cases are of too frequent occurrence to be rare items in any
man's experience; and but too often arise from one cause -
drunkenness - that fierce rage for the slow, sure poison, that
oversteps every other consideration; that casts aside wife,
children, friends, happiness, and station; and hurries its victims
madly on to degradation and death.

Some of these men have been impelled, by misfortune and misery, to
the vice that has degraded them.  The ruin of worldly expectations,
the death of those they loved, the sorrow that slowly consumes, but
will not break the heart, has driven them wild; and they present
the hideous spectacle of madmen, slowly dying by their own hands.
But by far the greater part have wilfully, and with open eyes,
plunged into the gulf from which the man who once enters it never
rises more, but into which he sinks deeper and deeper down, until
recovery is hopeless.

Such a man as this once stood by the bedside of his dying wife,
while his children knelt around, and mingled loud bursts of grief
with their innocent prayers.  The room was scantily and meanly
furnished; and it needed but a glance at the pale form from which
the light of life was fast passing away, to know that grief, and
want, and anxious care, had been busy at the heart for many a weary
year.  An elderly woman, with her face bathed in tears, was
supporting the head of the dying woman - her daughter - on her arm.
But it was not towards her that the was face turned; it was not her
hand that the cold and trembling fingers clasped; they pressed the
husband's arm; the eyes so soon to be closed in death rested on his
face, and the man shook beneath their gaze.  His dress was slovenly
and disordered, his face inflamed, his eyes bloodshot and heavy.
He had been summoned from some wild debauch to the bed of sorrow
and death.

A shaded lamp by the bed-side cast a dim light on the figures
around, and left the remainder of the room in thick, deep shadow.
The silence of night prevailed without the house, and the stillness
of death was in the chamber.  A watch hung over the mantel-shelf;
its low ticking was the only sound that broke the profound quiet,
but it was a solemn one, for well they knew, who heard it, that
before it had recorded the passing of another hour, it would beat
the knell of a departed spirit.

It is a dreadful thing to wait and watch for the approach of death;
to know that hope is gone, and recovery impossible; and to sit and
count the dreary hours through long, long nights - such nights as
only watchers by the bed of sickness know.  It chills the blood to
hear the dearest secrets of the heart - the pent-up, hidden secrets
of many years - poured forth by the unconscious, helpless being
before you; and to think how little the reserve and cunning of a
whole life will avail, when fever and delirium tear off the mask at
last.  Strange tales have been told in the wanderings of dying men;
tales so full of guilt and crime, that those who stood by the sick
person's couch have fled in horror and affright, lest they should
be scared to madness by what they heard and saw; and many a wretch
has died alone, raving of deeds the very name of which has driven
the boldest man away.

But no such ravings were to be heard at the bed-side by which the
children knelt.  Their half-stifled sobs and moaning alone broke
the silence of the lonely chamber.  And when at last the mother's
grasp relaxed, and, turning one look from the children to the
father, she vainly strove to speak, and fell backward on the
pillow, all was so calm and tranquil that she seemed to sink to
sleep.  They leant over her; they called upon her name, softly at
first, and then in the loud and piercing tones of desperation.  But
there was no reply.  They listened for her breath, but no sound
came.  They felt for the palpitation of the heart, but no faint
throb responded to the touch.  That heart was broken, and she was
dead!

The husband sunk into a chair by the bed-side, and clasped his
hands upon his burning forehead.  He gazed from child to child, but
when a weeping eye met his, he quailed beneath its look.  No word
of comfort was whispered in his ear, no look of kindness lighted on
his face.  All shrunk from and avoided him; and when at last he
staggered from the room, no one sought to follow or console the
widower.

The time had been when many a friend would have crowded round him
in his affliction, and many a heartfelt condolence would have met
him in his grief.  Where were they now?  One by one, friends,
relations, the commonest acquaintance even, had fallen off from and
deserted the drunkard.  His wife alone had clung to him in good and
evil, in sickness and poverty, and how had he rewarded her?  He had
reeled from the tavern to her bed-side in time to see her die.

He rushed from the house, and walked swiftly through the streets.
Remorse, fear, shame, all crowded on his mind.  Stupefied with
drink, and bewildered with the scene he had just witnessed, he re-
entered the tavern he had quitted shortly before.  Glass succeeded
glass.  His blood mounted, and his brain whirled round.  Death!
Every one must die, and why not SHE?  She was too good for him; her
relations had often told him so.  Curses on them!  Had they not
deserted her, and left her to whine away the time at home?  Well -
she was dead, and happy perhaps.  It was better as it was.  Another
glass - one more!  Hurrah!  It was a merry life while it lasted;
and he would make the most of it.

Time went on; the three children who were left to him, grew up, and
were children no longer.  The father remained the same - poorer,
shabbier, and more dissolute-looking, but the same confirmed and
irreclaimable drunkard.  The boys had, long ago, run wild in the
streets, and left him; the girl alone remained, but she worked
hard, and words or blows could always procure him something for the
tavern.  So he went on in the old course, and a merry life he led.

One night, as early as ten o'clock - for the girl had been sick for
many days, and there was, consequently, little to spend at the
public-house - he bent his steps homeward, bethinking himself that
if he would have her able to earn money, it would be as well to
apply to the parish surgeon, or, at all events, to take the trouble
of inquiring what ailed her, which he had not yet thought it worth
while to do.  It was a wet December night; the wind blew piercing
cold, and the rain poured heavily down.  He begged a few halfpence
from a passer-by, and having bought a small loaf (for it was his
interest to keep the girl alive, if he could), he shuffled onwards
as fast as the wind and rain would let him.

At the back of Fleet-street, and lying between it and the water-
side, are several mean and narrow courts, which form a portion of
Whitefriars:  it was to one of these that he directed his steps.

The alley into which he turned, might, for filth and misery, have
competed with the darkest corner of this ancient sanctuary in its
dirtiest and most lawless time.  The houses, varying from two
stories in height to four, were stained with every indescribable
hue that long exposure to the weather, damp, and rottenness can
impart to tenements composed originally of the roughest and
coarsest materials.  The windows were patched with paper, and
stuffed with the foulest rags; the doors were falling from their
hinges; poles with lines on which to dry clothes, projected from
every casement, and sounds of quarrelling or drunkenness issued
from every room.

The solitary oil lamp in the centre of the court had been blown
out, either by the violence of the wind or the act of some
inhabitant who had excellent reasons for objecting to his residence
being rendered too conspicuous; and the only light which fell upon
the broken and uneven pavement, was derived from the miserable
candles that here and there twinkled in the rooms of such of the
more fortunate residents as could afford to indulge in so expensive
a luxury.  A gutter ran down the centre of the alley - all the
sluggish odours of which had been called forth by the rain; and as
the wind whistled through the old houses, the doors and shutters
creaked upon their hinges, and the windows shook in their frames,
with a violence which every moment seemed to threaten the
destruction of the whole place.

The man whom we have followed into this den, walked on in the
darkness, sometimes stumbling into the main gutter, and at others
into some branch repositories of garbage which had been formed by
the rain, until he reached the last house in the court.  The door,
or rather what was left of it, stood ajar, for the convenience of
the numerous lodgers; and he proceeded to grope his way up the old
and broken stair, to the attic story.

He was within a step or two of his room door, when it opened, and a
girl, whose miserable and emaciated appearance was only to be
equalled by that of the candle which she shaded with her hand,
peeped anxiously out.

'Is that you, father?' said the girl.

'Who else should it be?' replied the man gruffly.  'What are you
trembling at?  It's little enough that I've had to drink to-day,
for there's no drink without money, and no money without work.
What the devil's the matter with the girl?'

'I am not well, father - not at all well,' said the girl, bursting
into tears.

'Ah!' replied the man, in the tone of a person who is compelled to
admit a very unpleasant fact, to which he would rather remain
blind, if he could.  'You must get better somehow, for we must have
money.  You must go to the parish doctor, and make him give you
some medicine.  They're paid for it, damn 'em.  What are you
standing before the door for?  Let me come in, can't you?'

'Father,' whispered the girl, shutting the door behind her, and
placing herself before it, 'William has come back.'

'Who!' said the man with a start.

'Hush,' replied the girl, 'William; brother William.'

'And what does he want?' said the man, with an effort at composure
- 'money? meat? drink?  He's come to the wrong shop for that, if he
does.  Give me the candle - give me the candle, fool - I ain't
going to hurt him.'  He snatched the candle from her hand, and
walked into the room.

Sitting on an old box, with his head resting on his hand, and his
eyes fixed on a wretched cinder fire that was smouldering on the
hearth, was a young man of about two-and-twenty, miserably clad in
an old coarse jacket and trousers.  He started up when his father
entered.

'Fasten the door, Mary,' said the young man hastily - 'Fasten the
door.  You look as if you didn't know me, father.  It's long
enough, since you drove me from home; you may well forget me.'

'And what do you want here, now?' said the father, seating himself
on a stool, on the other side of the fireplace.  'What do you want
here, now?'

'Shelter,' replied the son.  'I'm in trouble:  that's enough.  If
I'm caught I shall swing; that's certain.  Caught I shall be,
unless I stop here; that's AS certain.  And there's an end of it.'

'You mean to say, you've been robbing, or murdering, then?' said
the father.

'Yes, I do,' replied the son.  'Does it surprise you, father?'  He
looked steadily in the man's face, but he withdrew his eyes, and
bent them on the ground.

'Where's your brothers?' he said, after a long pause.

'Where they'll never trouble you,' replied his son:  'John's gone
to America, and Henry's dead.'

'Dead!' said the father, with a shudder, which even he could not
express.

'Dead,' replied the young man.  'He died in my arms - shot like a
dog, by a gamekeeper.  He staggered back, I caught him, and his
blood trickled down my hands.  It poured out from his side like
water.  He was weak, and it blinded him, but he threw himself down
on his knees, on the grass, and prayed to God, that if his mother
was in heaven, He would hear her prayers for pardon for her
youngest son.  "I was her favourite boy, Will," he said, "and I am
glad to think, now, that when she was dying, though I was a very
young child then, and my little heart was almost bursting, I knelt
down at the foot of the bed, and thanked God for having made me so
fond of her as to have never once done anything to bring the tears
into her eyes.  O Will, why was she taken away, and father left?"
There's his dying words, father,' said the young man; 'make the
best you can of 'em.  You struck him across the face, in a drunken
fit, the morning we ran away; and here's the end of it.'

The girl wept aloud; and the father, sinking his head upon his
knees, rocked himself to and fro.

'If I am taken,' said the young man, 'I shall be carried back into
the country, and hung for that man's murder.  They cannot trace me
here, without your assistance, father.  For aught I know, you may
give me up to justice; but unless you do, here I stop, until I can
venture to escape abroad.'

For two whole days, all three remained in the wretched room,
without stirring out.  On the third evening, however, the girl was
worse than she had been yet, and the few scraps of food they had
were gone.  It was indispensably necessary that somebody should go
out; and as the girl was too weak and ill, the father went, just at
nightfall.

He got some medicine for the girl, and a trifle in the way of
pecuniary assistance.  On his way back, he earned sixpence by
holding a horse; and he turned homewards with enough money to
supply their most pressing wants for two or three days to come.  He
had to pass the public-house.  He lingered for an instant, walked
past it, turned back again, lingered once more, and finally slunk
in.  Two men whom he had not observed, were on the watch.  They
were on the point of giving up their search in despair, when his
loitering attracted their attention; and when he entered the
public-house, they followed him.

'You'll drink with me, master,' said one of them, proffering him a
glass of liquor.

'And me too,' said the other, replenishing the glass as soon as it
was drained of its contents.

The man thought of his hungry children, and his son's danger.  But
they were nothing to the drunkard.  He DID drink; and his reason
left him.

'A wet night, Warden,' whispered one of the men in his ear, as he
at length turned to go away, after spending in liquor one-half of
the money on which, perhaps, his daughter's life depended.

'The right sort of night for our friends in hiding, Master Warden,'
whispered the other.

'Sit down here,' said the one who had spoken first, drawing him
into a corner.  'We have been looking arter the young un.  We came
to tell him, it's all right now, but we couldn't find him 'cause we
hadn't got the precise direction.  But that ain't strange, for I
don't think he know'd it himself, when he come to London, did he?'

'No, he didn't,' replied the father.

The two men exchanged glances.

'There's a vessel down at the docks, to sail at midnight, when it's
high water,' resumed the first speaker, 'and we'll put him on
board.  His passage is taken in another name, and what's better
than that, it's paid for.  It's lucky we met you.'

'Very,' said the second.

'Capital luck,' said the first, with a wink to his companion.

'Great,' replied the second, with a slight nod of intelligence.

'Another glass here; quick' - said the first speaker.  And in five
minutes more, the father had unconsciously yielded up his own son
into the hangman's hands.

Slowly and heavily the time dragged along, as the brother and
sister, in their miserable hiding-place, listened in anxious
suspense to the slightest sound.  At length, a heavy footstep was
heard upon the stair; it approached nearer; it reached the landing;
and the father staggered into the room.

The girl saw that he was intoxicated, and advanced with the candle
in her hand to meet him; she stopped short, gave a loud scream, and
fell senseless on the ground.  She had caught sight of the shadow
of a man reflected on the floor.  They both rushed in, and in
another instant the young man was a prisoner, and handcuffed.

'Very quietly done,' said one of the men to his companion, 'thanks
to the old man.  Lift up the girl, Tom - come, come, it's no use
crying, young woman.  It's all over now, and can't be helped.'

The young man stooped for an instant over the girl, and then turned
fiercely round upon his father, who had reeled against the wall,
and was gazing on the group with drunken stupidity.

'Listen to me, father,' he said, in a tone that made the drunkard's
flesh creep.  'My brother's blood, and mine, is on your head:  I
never had kind look, or word, or care, from you, and alive or dead,
I never will forgive you.  Die when you will, or how, I will be
with you.  I speak as a dead man now, and I warn you, father, that
as surely as you must one day stand before your Maker, so surely
shall your children be there, hand in hand, to cry for judgment
against you.'  He raised his manacled hands in a threatening
attitude, fixed his eyes on his shrinking parent, and slowly left
the room; and neither father nor sister ever beheld him more, on
this side of the grave.

When the dim and misty light of a winter's morning penetrated into
the narrow court, and struggled through the begrimed window of the
wretched room, Warden awoke from his heavy sleep, and found himself
alone.  He rose, and looked round him; the old flock mattress on
the floor was undisturbed; everything was just as he remembered to
have seen it last:  and there were no signs of any one, save
himself, having occupied the room during the night.  He inquired of
the other lodgers, and of the neighbours; but his daughter had not
been seen or heard of.  He rambled through the streets, and
scrutinised each wretched face among the crowds that thronged them,
with anxious eyes.  But his search was fruitless, and he returned
to his garret when night came on, desolate and weary.

For many days he occupied himself in the same manner, but no trace
of his daughter did he meet with, and no word of her reached his
ears.  At length he gave up the pursuit as hopeless.  He had long
thought of the probability of her leaving him, and endeavouring to
gain her bread in quiet, elsewhere.  She had left him at last to
starve alone.  He ground his teeth, and cursed her!

He begged his bread from door to door.  Every halfpenny he could
wring from the pity or credulity of those to whom he addressed
himself, was spent in the old way.  A year passed over his head;
the roof of a jail was the only one that had sheltered him for many
months.  He slept under archways, and in brickfields - anywhere,
where there was some warmth or shelter from the cold and rain.  But
in the last stage of poverty, disease, and houseless want, he was a
drunkard still.

At last, one bitter night, he sunk down on a door-step faint and
ill.  The premature decay of vice and profligacy had worn him to
the bone.  His cheeks were hollow and livid; his eyes were sunken,
and their sight was dim.  His legs trembled beneath his weight, and
a cold shiver ran through every limb.

And now the long-forgotten scenes of a misspent life crowded thick
and fast upon him.  He thought of the time when he had a home - a
happy, cheerful home - and of those who peopled it, and flocked
about him then, until the forms of his elder children seemed to
rise from the grave, and stand about him - so plain, so clear, and
so distinct they were that he could touch and feel them.  Looks
that he had long forgotten were fixed upon him once more; voices
long since hushed in death sounded in his ears like the music of
village bells.  But it was only for an instant.  The rain beat
heavily upon him; and cold and hunger were gnawing at his heart
again.

He rose, and dragged his feeble limbs a few paces further.  The
street was silent and empty; the few passengers who passed by, at
that late hour, hurried quickly on, and his tremulous voice was
lost in the violence of the storm.  Again that heavy chill struck
through his frame, and his blood seemed to stagnate beneath it.  He
coiled himself up in a projecting doorway, and tried to sleep.

But sleep had fled from his dull and glazed eyes.  His mind
wandered strangely, but he was awake, and conscious.  The well-
known shout of drunken mirth sounded in his ear, the glass was at
his lips, the board was covered with choice rich food - they were
before him:  he could see them all, he had but to reach out his
hand, and take them - and, though the illusion was reality itself,
he knew that he was sitting alone in the deserted street, watching
the rain-drops as they pattered on the stones; that death was
coming upon him by inches - and that there were none to care for or
help him.

Suddenly he started up, in the extremity of terror.  He had heard
his own voice shouting in the night air, he knew not what, or why.
Hark!  A groan! - another!  His senses were leaving him:  half-
formed and incoherent words burst from his lips; and his hands
sought to tear and lacerate his flesh.  He was going mad, and he
shrieked for help till his voice failed him.

He raised his head, and looked up the long dismal street.  He
recollected that outcasts like himself, condemned to wander day and
night in those dreadful streets, had sometimes gone distracted with
their own loneliness.  He remembered to have heard many years
before that a homeless wretch had once been found in a solitary
corner, sharpening a rusty knife to plunge into his own heart,
preferring death to that endless, weary, wandering to and fro.  In
an instant his resolve was taken, his limbs received new life; he
ran quickly from the spot, and paused not for breath until he
reached the river-side.

He crept softly down the steep stone stairs that lead from the
commencement of Waterloo Bridge, down to the water's level.  He
crouched into a corner, and held his breath, as the patrol passed.
Never did prisoner's heart throb with the hope of liberty and life
half so eagerly as did that of the wretched man at the prospect of
death.  The watch passed close to him, but he remained unobserved;
and after waiting till the sound of footsteps had died away in the
distance, he cautiously descended, and stood beneath the gloomy
arch that forms the landing-place from the river.

The tide was in, and the water flowed at his feet.  The rain had
ceased, the wind was lulled, and all was, for the moment, still and
quiet - so quiet, that the slightest sound on the opposite bank,
even the rippling of the water against the barges that were moored
there, was distinctly audible to his ear.  The stream stole
languidly and sluggishly on.  Strange and fantastic forms rose to
the surface, and beckoned him to approach; dark gleaming eyes
peered from the water, and seemed to mock his hesitation, while
hollow murmurs from behind, urged him onwards.  He retreated a few
paces, took a short run, desperate leap, and plunged into the
river.

Not five seconds had passed when he rose to the water's surface -
but what a change had taken place in that short time, in all his
thoughts and feelings!  Life - life in any form, poverty, misery,
starvation - anything but death.  He fought and struggled with the
water that closed over his head, and screamed in agonies of terror.
The curse of his own son rang in his ears.  The shore - but one
foot of dry ground - he could almost touch the step.  One hand's
breadth nearer, and he was saved - but the tide bore him onward,
under the dark arches of the bridge, and he sank to the bottom.

Again he rose, and struggled for life.  For one instant - for one
brief instant - the buildings on the river's banks, the lights on
the bridge through which the current had borne him, the black
water, and the fast-flying clouds, were distinctly visible - once
more he sunk, and once again he rose.  Bright flames of fire shot
up from earth to heaven, and reeled before his eyes, while the
water thundered in his ears, and stunned him with its furious roar.

A week afterwards the body was washed ashore, some miles down the
river, a swollen and disfigured mass.  Unrecognised and unpitied,
it was borne to the grave; and there it has long since mouldered
away!




SKETCHES OF YOUNG GENTLEMEN




TO THE YOUNG LADIES
OF THE
UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND IRELAND;
ALSO
THE YOUNG LADIES
OF
THE PRINCIPALITY OF WALES,
AND LIKEWISE
THE YOUNG LADIES
RESIDENT IN THE ISLES OF
GUERNSEY, JERSEY, ALDERNEY, AND SARK,
THE HUMBLE DEDICATION OF THEIR DEVOTED ADMIRER,

SHEWETH, -

THAT your Dedicator has perused, with feelings of virtuous
indignation, a work purporting to be 'Sketches of Young Ladies;'
written by Quiz, illustrated by Phiz, and published in one volume,
square twelvemo.

THAT after an attentive and vigilant perusal of the said work, your
Dedicator is humbly of opinion that so many libels, upon your
Honourable sex, were never contained in any previously published
work, in twelvemo or any other mo.

THAT in the title page and preface to the said work, your
Honourable sex are described and classified as animals; and
although your Dedicator is not at present prepared to deny that you
ARE animals, still he humbly submits that it is not polite to call
you so.

THAT in the aforesaid preface, your Honourable sex are also
described as Troglodites, which, being a hard word, may, for aught
your Honourable sex or your Dedicator can say to the contrary, be
an injurious and disrespectful appellation.

THAT the author of the said work applied himself to his task in
malice prepense and with wickedness aforethought; a fact which,
your Dedicator contends, is sufficiently demonstrated, by his
assuming the name of Quiz, which, your Dedicator submits, denotes a
foregone conclusion, and implies an intention of quizzing.

THAT in the execution of his evil design, the said Quiz, or author
of the said work, must have betrayed some trust or confidence
reposed in him by some members of your Honourable sex, otherwise he
never could have acquired so much information relative to the
manners and customs of your Honourable sex in general.

THAT actuated by these considerations, and further moved by various
slanders and insinuations respecting your Honourable sex contained
in the said work, square twelvemo, entitled 'Sketches of Young
Ladies,' your Dedicator ventures to produce another work, square
twelvemo, entitled 'Sketches of Young Gentlemen,' of which he now
solicits your acceptance and approval.

THAT as the Young Ladies are the best companions of the Young
Gentlemen, so the Young Gentlemen should be the best companions of
the Young Ladies; and extending the comparison from animals (to
quote the disrespectful language of the said Quiz) to inanimate
objects, your Dedicator humbly suggests, that such of your
Honourable sex as purchased the bane should possess themselves of
the antidote, and that those of your Honourable sex who were not
rash enough to take the first, should lose no time in swallowing
the last, -prevention being in all cases better than cure, as we
are informed upon the authority, not only of general
acknowledgment, but also of traditionary wisdom.

THAT with reference to the said bane and antidote, your Dedicator
has no further remarks to make, than are comprised in the printed
directions issued with Doctor Morison's pills; namely, that
whenever your Honourable sex take twenty-five of Number, 1, you
will be pleased to take fifty of Number 2, without delay.

And your Dedicator shall ever pray, &c.



THE BASHFUL YOUNG GENTLEMAN



We found ourself seated at a small dinner party the other day,
opposite a stranger of such singular appearance and manner, that he
irresistibly attracted our attention.

This was a fresh-coloured young gentleman, with as good a promise
of light whisker as one might wish to see, and possessed of a very
velvet-like, soft-looking countenance.  We do not use the latter
term invidiously, but merely to denote a pair of smooth, plump,
highly-coloured cheeks of capacious dimensions, and a mouth rather
remarkable for the fresh hue of the lips than for any marked or
striking expression it presented.  His whole face was suffused with
a crimson blush, and bore that downcast, timid, retiring look,
which betokens a man ill at ease with himself.

There was nothing in these symptoms to attract more than a passing
remark, but our attention had been originally drawn to the bashful
young gentleman, on his first appearance in the drawing-room above-
stairs, into which he was no sooner introduced, than making his way
towards us who were standing in a window, and wholly neglecting
several persons who warmly accosted him, he seized our hand with
visible emotion, and pressed it with a convulsive grasp for a good
couple of minutes, after which he dived in a nervous manner across
the room, oversetting in his way a fine little girl of six years
and a quarter old - and shrouding himself behind some hangings, was
seen no more, until the eagle eye of the hostess detecting him in
his concealment, on the announcement of dinner, he was requested to
pair off with a lively single lady, of two or three and thirty.

This most flattering salutation from a perfect stranger, would have
gratified us not a little as a token of his having held us in high
respect, and for that reason been desirous of our acquaintance, if
we had not suspected from the first, that the young gentleman, in
making a desperate effort to get through the ceremony of
introduction, had, in the bewilderment of his ideas, shaken hands
with us at random.  This impression was fully confirmed by the
subsequent behaviour of the bashful young gentleman in question,
which we noted particularly, with the view of ascertaining whether
we were right in our conjecture.

The young gentleman seated himself at table with evident
misgivings, and turning sharp round to pay attention to some
observation of his loquacious neighbour, overset his bread.  There
was nothing very bad in this, and if he had had the presence of
mind to let it go, and say nothing about it, nobody but the man who
had laid the cloth would have been a bit the wiser; but the young
gentleman in various semi-successful attempts to prevent its fall,
played with it a little, as gentlemen in the streets may be seen to
do with their hats on a windy day, and then giving the roll a smart
rap in his anxiety to catch it, knocked it with great adroitness
into a tureen of white soup at some distance, to the unspeakable
terror and disturbance of a very amiable bald gentleman, who was
dispensing the contents.  We thought the bashful young gentleman
would have gone off in an apoplectic fit, consequent upon the
violent rush of blood to his face at the occurrence of this
catastrophe.

From this moment we perceived, in the phraseology of the fancy,
that it was 'all up' with the bashful young gentleman, and so
indeed it was.  Several benevolent persons endeavoured to relieve
his embarrassment by taking wine with him, but finding that it only
augmented his sufferings, and that after mingling sherry,
champagne, hock, and moselle together, he applied the greater part
of the mixture externally, instead of internally, they gradually
dropped off, and left him to the exclusive care of the talkative
lady, who, not noting the wildness of his eye, firmly believed she
had secured a listener.  He broke a glass or two in the course of
the meal, and disappeared shortly afterwards; it is inferred that
he went away in some confusion, inasmuch as he left the house in
another gentleman's coat, and the footman's hat.

This little incident led us to reflect upon the most prominent
characteristics of bashful young gentlemen in the abstract; and as
this portable volume will be the great text-book of young ladies in
all future generations, we record them here for their guidance and
behoof.

If the bashful young gentleman, in turning a street corner, chance
to stumble suddenly upon two or three young ladies of his
acquaintance, nothing can exceed his confusion and agitation.  His
first impulse is to make a great variety of bows, and dart past
them, which he does until, observing that they wish to stop, but
are uncertain whether to do so or not, he makes several feints of
returning, which causes them to do the same; and at length, after a
great quantity of unnecessary dodging and falling up against the
other passengers, he returns and shakes hands most affectionately
with all of them, in doing which he knocks out of their grasp
sundry little parcels, which he hastily picks up, and returns very
muddy and disordered.  The chances are that the bashful young
gentleman then observes it is very fine weather, and being reminded
that it has only just left off raining for the first time these
three days, he blushes very much, and smiles as if he had said a
very good thing.  The young lady who was most anxious to speak,
here inquires, with an air of great commiseration, how his dear
sister Harriet is to-day; to which the young gentleman, without the
slightest consideration, replies with many thanks, that she is
remarkably well.  'Well, Mr. Hopkins!' cries the young lady, 'why,
we heard she was bled yesterday evening, and have been perfectly
miserable about her.'  'Oh, ah,' says the young gentleman, 'so she
was.  Oh, she's very ill, very ill indeed.'  The young gentleman
then shakes his head, and looks very desponding (he has been
smiling perpetually up to this time), and after a short pause,
gives his glove a great wrench at the wrist, and says, with a
strong emphasis on the adjective, 'GOOD morning, GOOD morning.'
And making a great number of bows in acknowledgment of several
little messages to his sister, walks backward a few paces, and
comes with great violence against a lamp-post, knocking his hat off
in the contact, which in his mental confusion and bodily pain he is
going to walk away without, until a great roar from a carter
attracts his attention, when he picks it up, and tries to smile
cheerfully to the young ladies, who are looking back, and who, he
has the satisfaction of seeing, are all laughing heartily.

At a quadrille party, the bashful young gentleman always remains as
near the entrance of the room as possible, from which position he
smiles at the people he knows as they come in, and sometimes steps
forward to shake hands with more intimate friends:  a process which
on each repetition seems to turn him a deeper scarlet than before.
He declines dancing the first set or two, observing, in a faint
voice, that he would rather wait a little; but at length is
absolutely compelled to allow himself to be introduced to a
partner, when he is led, in a great heat and blushing furiously,
across the room to a spot where half-a-dozen unknown ladies are
congregated together.

'Miss Lambert, let me introduce Mr. Hopkins for the next
quadrille.'  Miss Lambert inclines her head graciously.  Mr.
Hopkins bows, and his fair conductress disappears, leaving Mr.
Hopkins, as he too well knows, to make himself agreeable.  The
young lady more than half expects that the bashful young gentleman
will say something, and the bashful young gentleman feeling this,
seriously thinks whether he has got anything to say, which, upon
mature reflection, he is rather disposed to conclude he has not,
since nothing occurs to him.  Meanwhile, the young lady, after
several inspections of her BOUQUET, all made in the expectation
that the bashful young gentleman is going to talk, whispers her
mamma, who is sitting next her, which whisper the bashful young
gentleman immediately suspects (and possibly with very good reason)
must be about HIM.  In this comfortable condition he remains until
it is time to 'stand up,' when murmuring a 'Will you allow me?' he
gives the young lady his arm, and after inquiring where she will
stand, and receiving a reply that she has no choice, conducts her
to the remotest corner of the quadrille, and making one attempt at
conversation, which turns out a desperate failure, preserves a
profound silence until it is all over, when he walks her twice
round the room, deposits her in her old seat, and retires in
confusion.

A married bashful gentleman - for these bashful gentlemen do get
married sometimes; how it is ever brought about, is a mystery to us
- a married bashful gentleman either causes his wife to appear bold
by contrast, or merges her proper importance in his own
insignificance.  Bashful young gentlemen should be cured, or
avoided.  They are never hopeless, and never will be, while female
beauty and attractions retain their influence, as any young lady
will find, who may think it worth while on this confident assurance
to take a patient in hand.



THE OUT-AND-OUT YOUNG GENTLEMAN



Out-and-out young gentlemen may be divided into two classes - those
who have something to do, and those who have nothing.  I shall
commence with the former, because that species come more frequently
under the notice of young ladies, whom it is our province to warn
and to instruct.

The out-and-out young gentleman is usually no great dresser, his
instructions to his tailor being all comprehended in the one
general direction to 'make that what's-a-name a regular bang-up
sort of thing.'  For some years past, the favourite costume of the
out-and-out young gentleman has been a rough pilot coat, with two
gilt hooks and eyes to the velvet collar; buttons somewhat larger
than crown-pieces; a black or fancy neckerchief, loosely tied; a
wide-brimmed hat, with a low crown; tightish inexpressibles, and
iron-shod boots.  Out of doors he sometimes carries a large ash
stick, but only on special occasions, for he prefers keeping his
hands in his coat pockets.  He smokes at all hours, of course, and
swears considerably.

The out-and-out young gentleman is employed in a city counting-
house or solicitor's office, in which he does as little as he
possibly can:  his chief places of resort are, the streets, the
taverns, and the theatres.  In the streets at evening time, out-
and-out young gentlemen have a pleasant custom of walking six or
eight abreast, thus driving females and other inoffensive persons
into the road, which never fails to afford them the highest
satisfaction, especially if there be any immediate danger of their
being run over, which enhances the fun of the thing materially.  In
all places of public resort, the out-and-outers are careful to
select each a seat to himself, upon which he lies at full length,
and (if the weather be very dirty, but not in any other case) he
lies with his knees up, and the soles of his boots planted firmly
on the cushion, so that if any low fellow should ask him to make
room for a lady, he takes ample revenge upon her dress, without
going at all out of his way to do it.  He always sits with his hat
on, and flourishes his stick in the air while the play is
proceeding, with a dignified contempt of the performance; if it be
possible for one or two out-and-out young gentlemen to get up a
little crowding in the passages, they are quite in their element,
squeezing, pushing, whooping, and shouting in the most humorous
manner possible.  If they can only succeed in irritating the
gentleman who has a family of daughters under his charge, they are
like to die with laughing, and boast of it among their companions
for a week afterwards, adding, that one or two of them were
'devilish fine girls,' and that they really thought the youngest
would have fainted, which was the only thing wanted to render the
joke complete.

If the out-and-out young gentleman have a mother and sisters, of
course he treats them with becoming contempt, inasmuch as they
(poor things!) having no notion of life or gaiety, are far too
weak-spirited and moping for him.  Sometimes, however, on a birth-
day or at Christmas-time, he cannot very well help accompanying
them to a party at some old friend's, with which view he comes home
when they have been dressed an hour or two, smelling very strongly
of tobacco and spirits, and after exchanging his rough coat for
some more suitable attire (in which however he loses nothing of the
out-and-outer), gets into the coach and grumbles all the way at his
own good nature:  his bitter reflections aggravated by the
recollection, that Tom Smith has taken the chair at a little
impromptu dinner at a fighting man's, and that a set-to was to take
place on a dining-table, between the fighting man and his brother-
in-law, which is probably 'coming off' at that very instant.

As the out-and-out young gentleman is by no means at his ease in
ladies' society, he shrinks into a corner of the drawing-room when
they reach the friend's, and unless one of his sisters is kind
enough to talk to him, remains there without being much troubled by
the attentions of other people, until he espies, lingering outside
the door, another gentleman, whom he at once knows, by his air and
manner (for there is a kind of free-masonry in the craft), to be a
brother out-and-outer, and towards whom he accordingly makes his
way.  Conversation being soon opened by some casual remark, the
second out-and-outer confidentially informs the first, that he is
one of the rough sort and hates that kind of thing, only he
couldn't very well be off coming; to which the other replies, that
that's just his case - 'and I'll tell you what,' continues the out-
and-outer in a whisper, 'I should like a glass of warm brandy and
water just now,' - 'Or a pint of stout and a pipe,' suggests the
other out-and-outer.

The discovery is at once made that they are sympathetic souls; each
of them says at the same moment, that he sees the other understands
what's what:  and they become fast friends at once, more especially
when it appears, that the second out-and-outer is no other than a
gentleman, long favourably known to his familiars as 'Mr. Warmint
Blake,' who upon divers occasions has distinguished himself in a
manner that would not have disgraced the fighting man, and who -
having been a pretty long time about town - had the honour of once
shaking hands with the celebrated Mr. Thurtell himself.

At supper, these gentlemen greatly distinguish themselves,
brightening up very much when the ladies leave the table, and
proclaiming aloud their intention of beginning to spend the evening
- a process which is generally understood to be satisfactorily
performed, when a great deal of wine is drunk and a great deal of
noise made, both of which feats the out-and-out young gentlemen
execute to perfection.  Having protracted their sitting until long
after the host and the other guests have adjourned to the drawing-
room, and finding that they have drained the decanters empty, they
follow them thither with complexions rather heightened, and faces
rather bloated with wine; and the agitated lady of the house
whispers her friends as they waltz together, to the great terror of
the whole room, that 'both Mr. Blake and Mr. Dummins are very nice
sort of young men in their way, only they are eccentric persons,
and unfortunately RATHER TOO WILD!'

The remaining class of out-and-out young gentlemen is composed of
persons, who, having no money of their own and a soul above earning
any, enjoy similar pleasures, nobody knows how.  These respectable
gentlemen, without aiming quite so much at the out-and-out in
external appearance, are distinguished by all the same amiable and
attractive characteristics, in an equal or perhaps greater degree,
and now and then find their way into society, through the medium of
the other class of out-and-out young gentlemen, who will sometimes
carry them home, and who usually pay their tavern bills.  As they
are equally gentlemanly, clever, witty, intelligent, wise, and
well-bred, we need scarcely have recommended them to the peculiar
consideration of the young ladies, if it were not that some of the
gentle creatures whom we hold in such high respect, are perhaps a
little too apt to confound a great many heavier terms with the
light word eccentricity, which we beg them henceforth to take in a
strictly Johnsonian sense, without any liberality or latitude of
construction.



THE VERY FRIENDLY YOUNG GENTLEMAN



We know - and all people know - so many specimens of this class,
that in selecting the few heads our limits enable us to take from a
great number, we have been induced to give the very friendly young
gentleman the preference over many others, to whose claims upon a
more cursory view of the question we had felt disposed to assign
the priority.

The very friendly young gentleman is very friendly to everybody,
but he attaches himself particularly to two, or at most to three
families:  regulating his choice by their dinners, their circle of
acquaintance, or some other criterion in which he has an immediate
interest.  He is of any age between twenty and forty, unmarried of
course, must be fond of children, and is expected to make himself
generally useful if possible.  Let us illustrate our meaning by an
example, which is the shortest mode and the clearest.

We encountered one day, by chance, an old friend of whom we had
lost sight for some years, and who - expressing a strong anxiety to
renew our former intimacy - urged us to dine with him on an early
day, that we might talk over old times.  We readily assented,
adding, that we hoped we should be alone.  'Oh, certainly,
certainly,' said our friend, 'not a soul with us but Mincin.'  'And
who is Mincin?' was our natural inquiry.  'O don't mind him,'
replied our friend, 'he's a most particular friend of mine, and a
very friendly fellow you will find him;' and so he left us.

'We thought no more about Mincin until we duly presented ourselves
at the house next day, when, after a hearty welcome, our friend
motioned towards a gentleman who had been previously showing his
teeth by the fireplace, and gave us to understand that it was Mr.
Mincin, of whom he had spoken.  It required no great penetration on
our part to discover at once that Mr. Mincin was in every respect a
very friendly young gentleman.

'I am delighted,' said Mincin, hastily advancing, and pressing our
hand warmly between both of his, 'I am delighted, I am sure, to
make your acquaintance - (here he smiled) - very much delighted
indeed - (here he exhibited a little emotion) - I assure you that I
have looked forward to it anxiously for a very long time:' here he
released our hands, and rubbing his own, observed, that the day was
severe, but that he was delighted to perceive from our appearance
that it agreed with us wonderfully; and then went on to observe,
that, notwithstanding the coldness of the weather, he had that
morning seen in the paper an exceedingly curious paragraph, to the
effect, that there was now in the garden of Mr. Wilkins of
Chichester, a pumpkin, measuring four feet in height, and eleven
feet seven inches in circumference, which he looked upon as a very
extraordinary piece of intelligence.  We ventured to remark, that
we had a dim recollection of having once or twice before observed a
similar paragraph in the public prints, upon which Mr. Mincin took
us confidentially by the button, and said, Exactly, exactly, to be
sure, we were very right, and he wondered what the editors meant by
putting in such things.  Who the deuce, he should like to know, did
they suppose cared about them? that struck him as being the best of
it.

The lady of the house appeared shortly afterwards, and Mr. Mincin's
friendliness, as will readily be supposed, suffered no diminution
in consequence; he exerted much strength and skill in wheeling a
large easy-chair up to the fire, and the lady being seated in it,
carefully closed the door, stirred the fire, and looked to the
windows to see that they admitted no air; having satisfied himself
upon all these points, he expressed himself quite easy in his mind,
and begged to know how she found herself to-day.  Upon the lady's
replying very well, Mr. Mincin (who it appeared was a medical
gentleman) offered some general remarks upon the nature and
treatment of colds in the head, which occupied us agreeably until
dinner-time.  During the meal, he devoted himself to complimenting
everybody, not forgetting himself, so that we were an uncommonly
agreeable quartette.

'I'll tell you what, Capper,' said Mr. Mincin to our host, as he
closed the room door after the lady had retired, 'you have very
great reason to be fond of your wife.  Sweet woman, Mrs. Capper,
sir!'  'Nay, Mincin - I beg,' interposed the host, as we were about
to reply that Mrs. Capper unquestionably was particularly sweet.
'Pray, Mincin, don't.'  'Why not?' exclaimed Mr. Mincin, 'why not?
Why should you feel any delicacy before your old friend - OUR old
friend, if I may be allowed to call you so, sir; why should you, I
ask?'  We of course wished to know why he should also, upon which
our friend admitted that Mrs. Capper WAS a very sweet woman, at
which admission Mr. Mincin cried 'Bravo!' and begged to propose
Mrs. Capper with heartfelt enthusiasm, whereupon our host said,
'Thank you, Mincin,' with deep feeling; and gave us, in a low
voice, to understand, that Mincin had saved Mrs. Capper's cousin's
life no less than fourteen times in a year and a half, which he
considered no common circumstance - an opinion to which we most
cordially subscribed.

Now that we three were left to entertain ourselves with
conversation, Mr. Mincin's extreme friendliness became every moment
more apparent; he was so amazingly friendly, indeed, that it was
impossible to talk about anything in which he had not the chief
concern.  We happened to allude to some affairs in which our friend
and we had been mutually engaged nearly fourteen years before, when
Mr. Mincin was all at once reminded of a joke which our friend had
made on that day four years, which he positively must insist upon
telling - and which he did tell accordingly, with many pleasant
recollections of what he said, and what Mrs. Capper said, and how
he well remembered that they had been to the play with orders on
the very night previous, and had seen Romeo and Juliet, and the
pantomime, and how Mrs. Capper being faint had been led into the
lobby, where she smiled, said it was nothing after all, and went
back again, with many other interesting and absorbing particulars:
after which the friendly young gentleman went on to assure us, that
our friend had experienced a marvellously prophetic opinion of that
same pantomime, which was of such an admirable kind, that two
morning papers took the same view next day:  to this our friend
replied, with a little triumph, that in that instance he had some
reason to think he had been correct, which gave the friendly young
gentleman occasion to believe that our friend was always correct;
and so we went on, until our friend, filling a bumper, said he must
drink one glass to his dear friend Mincin, than whom he would say
no man saved the lives of his acquaintances more, or had a more
friendly heart.  Finally, our friend having emptied his glass,
said, 'God bless you, Mincin,' - and Mr. Mincin and he shook hands
across the table with much affection and earnestness.

But great as the friendly young gentleman is, in a limited scene
like this, he plays the same part on a larger scale with increased
ECLAT.  Mr. Mincin is invited to an evening party with his dear
friends the Martins, where he meets his dear friends the Cappers,
and his dear friends the Watsons, and a hundred other dear friends
too numerous to mention.  He is as much at home with the Martins as
with the Cappers; but how exquisitely he balances his attentions,
and divides them among his dear friends!  If he flirts with one of
the Miss Watsons, he has one little Martin on the sofa pulling his
hair, and the other little Martin on the carpet riding on his foot.
He carries Mrs. Watson down to supper on one arm, and Miss Martin
on the other, and takes wine so judiciously, and in such exact
order, that it is impossible for the most punctilious old lady to
consider herself neglected.  If any young lady, being prevailed
upon to sing, become nervous afterwards, Mr. Mincin leads her
tenderly into the next room, and restores her with port wine, which
she must take medicinally.  If any gentleman be standing by the
piano during the progress of the ballad, Mr. Mincin seizes him by
the arm at one point of the melody, and softly beating time the
while with his head, expresses in dumb show his intense perception
of the delicacy of the passage.  If anybody's self-love is to be
flattered, Mr. Mincin is at hand.  If anybody's overweening vanity
is to be pampered, Mr. Mincin will surfeit it.  What wonder that
people of all stations and ages recognise Mr. Mincin's
friendliness; that he is universally allowed to be handsome as
amiable; that mothers think him an oracle, daughters a dear,
brothers a beau, and fathers a wonder!  And who would not have the
reputation of the very friendly young gentleman?



THE MILITARY YOUNG GENTLEMAN



We are rather at a loss to imagine how it has come to pass that
military young gentlemen have obtained so much favour in the eyes
of the young ladies of this kingdom.  We cannot think so lightly of
them as to suppose that the mere circumstance of a man's wearing a
red coat ensures him a ready passport to their regard; and even if
this were the case, it would be no satisfactory explanation of the
circumstance, because, although the analogy may in some degree hold
good in the case of mail coachmen and guards, still general postmen
wear red coats, and THEY are not to our knowledge better received
than other men; nor are firemen either, who wear (or used to wear)
not only red coats, but very resplendent and massive badges besides
- much larger than epaulettes.  Neither do the twopenny post-office
boys, if the result of our inquiries be correct, find any peculiar
favour in woman's eyes, although they wear very bright red jackets,
and have the additional advantage of constantly appearing in public
on horseback, which last circumstance may be naturally supposed to
be greatly in their favour.

We have sometimes thought that this phenomenon may take its rise in
the conventional behaviour of captains and colonels and other
gentlemen in red coats on the stage, where they are invariably
represented as fine swaggering fellows, talking of nothing but
charming girls, their king and country, their honour, and their
debts, and crowing over the inferior classes of the community, whom
they occasionally treat with a little gentlemanly swindling, no
less to the improvement and pleasure of the audience, than to the
satisfaction and approval of the choice spirits who consort with
them.  But we will not devote these pages to our speculations upon
the subject, inasmuch as our business at the present moment is not
so much with the young ladies who are bewitched by her Majesty's
livery as with the young gentlemen whose heads are turned by it.
For 'heads' we had written 'brains;' but upon consideration, we
think the former the more appropriate word of the two.

These young gentlemen may be divided into two classes - young
gentlemen who are actually in the army, and young gentlemen who,
having an intense and enthusiastic admiration for all things
appertaining to a military life, are compelled by adverse fortune
or adverse relations to wear out their existence in some ignoble
counting-house.  We will take this latter description of military
young gentlemen first.

The whole heart and soul of the military young gentleman are
concentrated in his favourite topic.  There is nothing that he is
so learned upon as uniforms; he will tell you, without faltering
for an instant, what the habiliments of any one regiment are turned
up with, what regiment wear stripes down the outside and inside of
the leg, and how many buttons the Tenth had on their coats; he
knows to a fraction how many yards and odd inches of gold lace it
takes to make an ensign in the Guards; is deeply read in the
comparative merits of different bands, and the apparelling of
trumpeters; and is very luminous indeed in descanting upon 'crack
regiments,' and the 'crack' gentlemen who compose them, of whose
mightiness and grandeur he is never tired of telling.

We were suggesting to a military young gentleman only the other
day, after he had related to us several dazzling instances of the
profusion of half-a-dozen honourable ensign somebodies or nobodies
in the articles of kid gloves and polished boots, that possibly
'cracked' regiments would be an improvement upon 'crack,' as being
a more expressive and appropriate designation, when he suddenly
interrupted us by pulling out his watch, and observing that he must
hurry off to the Park in a cab, or he would be too late to hear the
band play.  Not wishing to interfere with so important an
engagement, and being in fact already slightly overwhelmed by the
anecdotes of the honourable ensigns afore-mentioned, we made no
attempt to detain the military young gentleman, but parted company
with ready good-will.

Some three or four hours afterwards, we chanced to be walking down
Whitehall, on the Admiralty side of the way, when, as we drew near
to one of the little stone places in which a couple of horse
soldiers mount guard in the daytime, we were attracted by the
motionless appearance and eager gaze of a young gentleman, who was
devouring both man and horse with his eyes, so eagerly, that he
seemed deaf and blind to all that was passing around him.  We were
not much surprised at the discovery that it was our friend, the
military young gentleman, but we WERE a little astonished when we
returned from a walk to South Lambeth to find him still there,
looking on with the same intensity as before.  As it was a very
windy day, we felt bound to awaken the young gentleman from his
reverie, when he inquired of us with great enthusiasm, whether
'that was not a glorious spectacle,' and proceeded to give us a
detailed account of the weight of every article of the spectacle's
trappings, from the man's gloves to the horse's shoes.

We have made it a practice since, to take the Horse Guards in our
daily walk, and we find it is the custom of military young
gentlemen to plant themselves opposite the sentries, and
contemplate them at leisure, in periods varying from fifteen
minutes to fifty, and averaging twenty-five.  We were much struck a
day or two since, by the behaviour of a very promising young
butcher who (evincing an interest in the service, which cannot be
too strongly commanded or encouraged), after a prolonged inspection
of the sentry, proceeded to handle his boots with great curiosity,
and as much composure and indifference as if the man were wax-work.

But the really military young gentleman is waiting all this time,
and at the very moment that an apology rises to our lips, he
emerges from the barrack gate (he is quartered in a garrison town),
and takes the way towards the high street.  He wears his undress
uniform, which somewhat mars the glory of his outward man; but
still how great, how grand, he is!  What a happy mixture of ease
and ferocity in his gait and carriage, and how lightly he carries
that dreadful sword under his arm, making no more ado about it than
if it were a silk umbrella!  The lion is sleeping:  only think if
an enemy were in sight, how soon he'd whip it out of the scabbard,
and what a terrible fellow he would be!

But he walks on, thinking of nothing less than blood and slaughter;
and now he comes in sight of three other military young gentlemen,
arm-in-arm, who are bearing down towards him, clanking their iron
heels on the pavement, and clashing their swords with a noise,
which should cause all peaceful men to quail at heart.  They stop
to talk.  See how the flaxen-haired young gentleman with the weak
legs - he who has his pocket-handkerchief thrust into the breast of
his coat-glares upon the fainthearted civilians who linger to look
upon his glory; how the next young gentleman elevates his head in
the air, and majestically places his arms a-kimbo, while the third
stands with his legs very wide apart, and clasps his hands behind
him.  Well may we inquire - not in familiar jest, but in respectful
earnest - if you call that nothing.  Oh! if some encroaching
foreign power - the Emperor of Russia, for instance, or any of
those deep fellows, could only see those military young gentlemen
as they move on together towards the billiard-room over the way,
wouldn't he tremble a little!

And then, at the Theatre at night, when the performances are by
command of Colonel Fitz-Sordust and the officers of the garrison -
what a splendid sight it is!  How sternly the defenders of their
country look round the house as if in mute assurance to the
audience, that they may make themselves comfortable regarding any
foreign invasion, for they (the military young gentlemen) are
keeping a sharp look-out, and are ready for anything.  And what a
contrast between them, and that stage-box full of grey-headed
officers with tokens of many battles about them, who have nothing
at all in common with the military young gentlemen, and who - but
for an old-fashioned kind of manly dignity in their looks and
bearing - might be common hard-working soldiers for anything they
take the pains to announce to the contrary!

Ah! here is a family just come in who recognise the flaxen-headed
young gentleman; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman recognises
them too, only he doesn't care to show it just now.  Very well done
indeed!  He talks louder to the little group of military young
gentlemen who are standing by him, and coughs to induce some ladies
in the next box but one to look round, in order that their faces
may undergo the same ordeal of criticism to which they have
subjected, in not a wholly inaudible tone, the majority of the
female portion of the audience.  Oh! a gentleman in the same box
looks round as if he were disposed to resent this as an
impertinence; and the flaxen-headed young gentleman sees his
friends at once, and hurries away to them with the most charming
cordiality.

Three young ladies, one young man, and the mamma of the party,
receive the military young gentleman with great warmth and
politeness, and in five minutes afterwards the military young
gentleman, stimulated by the mamma, introduces the two other
military young gentlemen with whom he was walking in the morning,
who take their seats behind the young ladies and commence
conversation; whereat the mamma bestows a triumphant bow upon a
rival mamma, who has not succeeded in decoying any military young
gentlemen, and prepares to consider her visitors from that moment
three of the most elegant and superior young gentlemen in the whole
world.



THE POLITICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN



Once upon a time - NOT in the days when pigs drank wine, but in a
more recent period of our history - it was customary to banish
politics when ladies were present.  If this usage still prevailed,
we should have had no chapter for political young gentlemen, for
ladies would have neither known nor cared what kind of monster a
political young gentleman was.  But as this good custom in common
with many others has 'gone out,' and left no word when it is likely
to be home again; as political young ladies are by no means rare,
and political young gentlemen the very reverse of scarce, we are
bound in the strict discharge of our most responsible duty not to
neglect this natural division of our subject.

If the political young gentleman be resident in a country town (and
there ARE political young gentlemen in country towns sometimes), he
is wholly absorbed in his politics; as a pair of purple spectacles
communicate the same uniform tint to all objects near and remote,
so the political glasses, with which the young gentleman assists
his mental vision, give to everything the hue and tinge of party
feeling.  The political young gentleman would as soon think of
being struck with the beauty of a young lady in the opposite
interest, as he would dream of marrying his sister to the opposite
member.

If the political young gentleman be a Conservative, he has usually
some vague ideas about Ireland and the Pope which he cannot very
clearly explain, but which he knows are the right sort of thing,
and not to be very easily got over by the other side.  He has also
some choice sentences regarding church and state, culled from the
banners in use at the last election, with which he intersperses his
conversation at intervals with surprising effect.  But his great
topic is the constitution, upon which he will declaim, by the hour
together, with much heat and fury; not that he has any particular
information on the subject, but because he knows that the
constitution is somehow church and state, and church and state
somehow the constitution, and that the fellows on the other side
say it isn't, which is quite a sufficient reason for him to say it
is, and to stick to it.

Perhaps his greatest topic of all, though, is the people.  If a
fight takes place in a populous town, in which many noses are
broken, and a few windows, the young gentleman throws down the
newspaper with a triumphant air, and exclaims, 'Here's your
precious people!'  If half-a-dozen boys run across the course at
race time, when it ought to be kept clear, the young gentleman
looks indignantly round, and begs you to observe the conduct of the
people; if the gallery demand a hornpipe between the play and the
afterpiece, the same young gentleman cries 'No' and 'Shame' till he
is hoarse, and then inquires with a sneer what you think of popular
moderation NOW; in short, the people form a never-failing theme for
him; and when the attorney, on the side of his candidate, dwells
upon it with great power of eloquence at election time, as he never
fails to do, the young gentleman and his friends, and the body they
head, cheer with great violence against THE OTHER PEOPLE, with
whom, of course, they have no possible connexion.  In much the same
manner the audience at a theatre never fail to be highly amused
with any jokes at the expense of the public - always laughing
heartily at some other public, and never at themselves.

If the political young gentleman be a Radical, he is usually a very
profound person indeed, having great store of theoretical questions
to put to you, with an infinite variety of possible cases and
logical deductions therefrom.  If he be of the utilitarian school,
too, which is more than probable, he is particularly pleasant
company, having many ingenious remarks to offer upon the voluntary
principle and various cheerful disquisitions connected with the
population of the country, the position of Great Britain in the
scale of nations, and the balance of power.  Then he is exceedingly
well versed in all doctrines of political economy as laid down in
the newspapers, and knows a great many parliamentary speeches by
heart; nay, he has a small stock of aphorisms, none of them
exceeding a couple of lines in length, which will settle the
toughest question and leave you nothing to say.  He gives all the
young ladies to understand, that Miss Martineau is the greatest
woman that ever lived; and when they praise the good looks of Mr.
Hawkins the new member, says he's very well for a representative,
all things considered, but he wants a little calling to account,
and he is more than half afraid it will be necessary to bring him
down on his knees for that vote on the miscellaneous estimates.  At
this, the young ladies express much wonderment, and say surely a
Member of Parliament is not to be brought upon his knees so easily;
in reply to which the political young gentleman smiles sternly, and
throws out dark hints regarding the speedy arrival of that day,
when Members of Parliament will be paid salaries, and required to
render weekly accounts of their proceedings, at which the young
ladies utter many expressions of astonishment and incredulity,
while their lady-mothers regard the prophecy as little else than
blasphemous.

It is extremely improving and interesting to hear two political
young gentlemen, of diverse opinions, discuss some great question
across a dinner-table; such as, whether, if the public were
admitted to Westminster Abbey for nothing, they would or would not
convey small chisels and hammers in their pockets, and immediately
set about chipping all the noses off the statues; or whether, if
they once got into the Tower for a shilling, they would not insist
upon trying the crown on their own heads, and loading and firing
off all the small arms in the armoury, to the great discomposure of
Whitechapel and the Minories.  Upon these, and many other momentous
questions which agitate the public mind in these desperate days,
they will discourse with great vehemence and irritation for a
considerable time together, both leaving off precisely where they
began, and each thoroughly persuaded that he has got the better of
the other.

In society, at assemblies, balls, and playhouses, these political
young gentlemen are perpetually on the watch for a political
allusion, or anything which can be tortured or construed into being
one; when, thrusting themselves into the very smallest openings for
their favourite discourse, they fall upon the unhappy company tooth
and nail.  They have recently had many favourable opportunities of
opening in churches, but as there the clergyman has it all his own
way, and must not be contradicted, whatever politics he preaches,
they are fain to hold their tongues until they reach the outer
door, though at the imminent risk of bursting in the effort.

As such discussions can please nobody but the talkative parties
concerned, we hope they will henceforth take the hint and
discontinue them, otherwise we now give them warning, that the
ladies have our advice to discountenance such talkers altogether.



THE DOMESTIC YOUNG GENTLEMAN



Let us make a slight sketch of our amiable friend, Mr. Felix Nixon.
We are strongly disposed to think, that if we put him in this
place, he will answer our purpose without another word of comment.

Felix, then, is a young gentleman who lives at home with his
mother, just within the twopenny-post office circle of three miles
from St. Martin-le-Grand.  He wears Indiarubber goloshes when the
weather is at all damp, and always has a silk handkerchief neatly
folded up in the right-hand pocket of his great-coat, to tie over
his mouth when he goes home at night; moreover, being rather near-
sighted, he carries spectacles for particular occasions, and has a
weakish tremulous voice, of which he makes great use, for he talks
as much as any old lady breathing.

The two chief subjects of Felix's discourse, are himself and his
mother, both of whom would appear to be very wonderful and
interesting persons.  As Felix and his mother are seldom apart in
body, so Felix and his mother are scarcely ever separate in spirit.
If you ask Felix how he finds himself to-day, he prefaces his reply
with a long and minute bulletin of his mother's state of health;
and the good lady in her turn, edifies her acquaintance with a
circumstantial and alarming account, how he sneezed four times and
coughed once after being out in the rain the other night, but
having his feet promptly put into hot water, and his head into a
flannel-something, which we will not describe more particularly
than by this delicate allusion, was happily brought round by the
next morning, and enabled to go to business as usual.

Our friend is not a very adventurous or hot-headed person, but he
has passed through many dangers, as his mother can testify:  there
is one great story in particular, concerning a hackney coachman who
wanted to overcharge him one night for bringing them home from the
play, upon which Felix gave the aforesaid coachman a look which his
mother thought would have crushed him to the earth, but which did
not crush him quite, for he continued to demand another sixpence,
notwithstanding that Felix took out his pocket-book, and, with the
aid of a flat candle, pointed out the fare in print, which the
coachman obstinately disregarding, he shut the street-door with a
slam which his mother shudders to think of; and then, roused to the
most appalling pitch of passion by the coachman knocking a double
knock to show that he was by no means convinced, he broke with
uncontrollable force from his parent and the servant girl, and
running into the street without his hat, actually shook his fist at
the coachman, and came back again with a face as white, Mrs. Nixon
says, looking about her for a simile, as white as that ceiling.
She never will forget his fury that night, Never!

To this account Felix listens with a solemn face, occasionally
looking at you to see how it affects you, and when his mother has
made an end of it, adds that he looked at every coachman he met for
three weeks afterwards, in hopes that he might see the scoundrel;
whereupon Mrs. Nixon, with an exclamation of terror, requests to
know what he would have done to him if he HAD seen him, at which
Felix smiling darkly and clenching his right fist, she exclaims,
'Goodness gracious!' with a distracted air, and insists upon
extorting a promise that he never will on any account do anything
so rash, which her dutiful son - it being something more than three
years since the offence was committed - reluctantly concedes, and
his mother, shaking her head prophetically, fears with a sigh that
his spirit will lead him into something violent yet.  The discourse
then, by an easy transition, turns upon the spirit which glows
within the bosom of Felix, upon which point Felix himself becomes
eloquent, and relates a thrilling anecdote of the time when he used
to sit up till two o'clock in the morning reading French, and how
his mother used to say, 'Felix, you will make yourself ill, I know
you will;' and how HE used to say, 'Mother, I don't care - I will
do it;' and how at last his mother privately procured a doctor to
come and see him, who declared, the moment he felt his pulse, that
if he had gone on reading one night more - only one night more - he
must have put a blister on each temple, and another between his
shoulders; and who, as it was, sat down upon the instant, and
writing a prescription for a blue pill, said it must be taken
immediately, or he wouldn't answer for the consequences.  The
recital of these and many other moving perils of the like nature,
constantly harrows up the feelings of Mr. Nixon's friends.

Mrs. Nixon has a tolerably extensive circle of female acquaintance,
being a good-humoured, talkative, bustling little body, and to the
unmarried girls among them she is constantly vaunting the virtues
of her son, hinting that she will be a very happy person who wins
him, but that they must mind their P's and Q's, for he is very
particular, and terribly severe upon young ladies.  At this last
caution the young ladies resident in the same row, who happen to be
spending the evening there, put their pocket-handkerchiefs before
their mouths, and are troubled with a short cough; just then Felix
knocks at the door, and his mother drawing the tea-table nearer the
fire, calls out to him as he takes off his boots in the back
parlour that he needn't mind coming in in his slippers, for there
are only the two Miss Greys and Miss Thompson, and she is quite
sure they will excuse HIM, and nodding to the two Miss Greys, she
adds, in a whisper, that Julia Thompson is a great favourite with
Felix, at which intelligence the short cough comes again, and Miss
Thompson in particular is greatly troubled with it, till Felix
coming in, very faint for want of his tea, changes the subject of
discourse, and enables her to laugh out boldly and tell Amelia Grey
not to be so foolish.  Here they all three laugh, and Mrs. Nixon
says they are giddy girls; in which stage of the proceedings,
Felix, who has by this time refreshened himself with the grateful
herb that 'cheers but not inebriates,' removes his cup from his
countenance and says with a knowing smile, that all girls are;
whereat his admiring mamma pats him on the back and tells him not
to be sly, which calls forth a general laugh from the young ladies,
and another smile from Felix, who, thinking he looks very sly
indeed, is perfectly satisfied.

Tea being over, the young ladies resume their work, and Felix
insists upon holding a skein of silk while Miss Thompson winds it
on a card.  This process having been performed to the satisfaction
of all parties, he brings down his flute in compliance with a
request from the youngest Miss Grey, and plays divers tunes out of
a very small music-book till supper-time, when he is very facetious
and talkative indeed.  Finally, after half a tumblerful of warm
sherry and water, he gallantly puts on his goloshes over his
slippers, and telling Miss Thompson's servant to run on first and
get the door open, escorts that young lady to her house, five doors
off:  the Miss Greys who live in the next house but one stopping to
peep with merry faces from their own door till he comes back again,
when they call out 'Very well, Mr. Felix,' and trip into the
passage with a laugh more musical than any flute that was ever
played.

Felix is rather prim in his appearance, and perhaps a little
priggish about his books and flute, and so forth, which have all
their peculiar corners of peculiar shelves in his bedroom; indeed
all his female acquaintance (and they are good judges) have long
ago set him down as a thorough old bachelor.  He is a favourite
with them however, in a certain way, as an honest, inoffensive,
kind-hearted creature; and as his peculiarities harm nobody, not
even himself, we are induced to hope that many who are not
personally acquainted with him will take our good word in his
behalf, and be content to leave him to a long continuance of his
harmless existence.



THE CENSORIOUS YOUNG GENTLEMAN



There is an amiable kind of young gentleman going about in society,
upon whom, after much experience of him, and considerable turning
over of the subject in our mind, we feel it our duty to affix the
above appellation.  Young ladies mildly call him a 'sarcastic'
young gentleman, or a 'severe' young gentleman.  We, who know
better, beg to acquaint them with the fact, that he is merely a
censorious young gentleman, and nothing else.

The censorious young gentleman has the reputation among his
familiars of a remarkably clever person, which he maintains by
receiving all intelligence and expressing all opinions with a
dubious sneer, accompanied with a half smile, expressive of
anything you please but good-humour.  This sets people about
thinking what on earth the censorious young gentleman means, and
they speedily arrive at the conclusion that he means something very
deep indeed; for they reason in this way - 'This young gentleman
looks so very knowing that he must mean something, and as I am by
no means a dull individual, what a very deep meaning he must have
if I can't find it out!'  It is extraordinary how soon a censorious
young gentleman may make a reputation in his own small circle if he
bear this in his mind, and regulate his proceedings accordingly.

As young ladies are generally - not curious, but laudably desirous
to acquire information, the censorious young gentleman is much
talked about among them, and many surmises are hazarded regarding
him.  'I wonder,' exclaims the eldest Miss Greenwood, laying down
her work to turn up the lamp, 'I wonder whether Mr. Fairfax will
ever be married.'  'Bless me, dear,' cries Miss Marshall, 'what
ever made you think of him?'  'Really I hardly know,' replies Miss
Greenwood; 'he is such a very mysterious person, that I often
wonder about him.'  'Well, to tell you the truth,' replies Miss
Marshall, 'and so do I.'  Here two other young ladies profess that
they are constantly doing the like, and all present appear in the
same condition except one young lady, who, not scrupling to state
that she considers Mr. Fairfax 'a horror,' draws down all the
opposition of the others, which having been expressed in a great
many ejaculatory passages, such as 'Well, did I ever!' - and 'Lor,
Emily, dear!' ma takes up the subject, and gravely states, that she
must say she does not think Mr. Fairfax by any means a horror, but
rather takes him to be a young man of very great ability; 'and I am
quite sure,' adds the worthy lady, 'he always means a great deal
more than he says.'

The door opens at this point of the disclosure, and who of all
people alive walks into the room, but the very Mr. Fairfax, who has
been the subject of conversation!  'Well, it really is curious,'
cries ma, 'we were at that very moment talking about you.'  'You
did me great honour,' replies Mr. Fairfax; 'may I venture to ask
what you were saying?'  'Why, if you must know,' returns the eldest
girl, 'we were remarking what a very mysterious man you are.'  'Ay,
ay!' observes Mr. Fairfax, 'Indeed!'  Now Mr. Fairfax says this ay,
ay, and indeed, which are slight words enough in themselves, with
so very unfathomable an air, and accompanies them with such a very
equivocal smile, that ma and the young ladies are more than ever
convinced that he means an immensity, and so tell him he is a very
dangerous man, and seems to be always thinking ill of somebody,
which is precisely the sort of character the censorious young
gentleman is most desirous to establish; wherefore he says, 'Oh,
dear, no,' in a tone, obviously intended to mean, 'You have me
there,' and which gives them to understand that they have hit the
right nail on the very centre of its head.

When the conversation ranges from the mystery overhanging the
censorious young gentleman's behaviour, to the general topics of
the day, he sustains his character to admiration.  He considers the
new tragedy well enough for a new tragedy, but Lord bless us -
well, no matter; he could say a great deal on that point, but he
would rather not, lest he should be thought ill-natured, as he
knows he would be.  'But is not Mr. So-and-so's performance truly
charming?' inquires a young lady.  'Charming!' replies the
censorious young gentleman.  'Oh, dear, yes, certainly; very
charming - oh, very charming indeed.'  After this, he stirs the
fire, smiling contemptuously all the while:  and a modest young
gentleman, who has been a silent listener, thinks what a great
thing it must be, to have such a critical judgment.  Of music,
pictures, books, and poetry, the censorious young gentleman has an
equally fine conception.  As to men and women, he can tell all
about them at a glance.  'Now let us hear your opinion of young
Mrs. Barker,' says some great believer in the powers of Mr.
Fairfax, 'but don't be too severe.'  'I never am severe,' replies
the censorious young gentleman.  'Well, never mind that now.  She
is very lady-like, is she not?'  'Lady-like!' repeats the
censorious young gentleman (for he always repeats when he is at a
loss for anything to say).  'Did you observe her manner?  Bless my
heart and soul, Mrs. Thompson, did you observe her manner? - that's
all I ask.'  'I thought I had done so,' rejoins the poor lady, much
perplexed; 'I did not observe it very closely perhaps.'  'Oh, not
very closely,' rejoins the censorious young gentleman,
triumphantly.  'Very good; then I did.  Let us talk no more about
her.'  The censorious young gentleman purses up his lips, and nods
his head sagely, as he says this; and it is forthwith whispered
about, that Mr. Fairfax (who, though he is a little prejudiced,
must be admitted to be a very excellent judge) has observed
something exceedingly odd in Mrs. Barker's manner.



THE FUNNY YOUNG GENTLEMAN



As one funny young gentleman will serve as a sample of all funny
young Gentlemen we purpose merely to note down the conduct and
behaviour of an individual specimen of this class, whom we happened
to meet at an annual family Christmas party in the course of this
very last Christmas that ever came.

We were all seated round a blazing fire which crackled pleasantly
as the guests talked merrily and the urn steamed cheerily - for,
being an old-fashioned party, there WAS an urn, and a teapot
besides - when there came a postman's knock at the door, so violent
and sudden, that it startled the whole circle, and actually caused
two or three very interesting and most unaffected young ladies to
scream aloud and to exhibit many afflicting symptoms of terror and
distress, until they had been several times assured by their
respective adorers, that they were in no danger.  We were about to
remark that it was surely beyond post-time, and must have been a
runaway knock, when our host, who had hitherto been paralysed with
wonder, sank into a chair in a perfect ecstasy of laughter, and
offered to lay twenty pounds that it was that droll dog Griggins.
He had no sooner said this, than the majority of the company and
all the children of the house burst into a roar of laughter too, as
if some inimitable joke flashed upon them simultaneously, and gave
vent to various exclamations of - To be sure it must be Griggins,
and How like him that was, and What spirits he was always in! with
many other commendatory remarks of the like nature.

Not having the happiness to know Griggins, we became extremely
desirous to see so pleasant a fellow, the more especially as a
stout gentleman with a powdered head, who was sitting with his
breeches buckles almost touching the hob, whispered us he was a wit
of the first water, when the door opened, and Mr. Griggins being
announced, presented himself, amidst another shout of laughter and
a loud clapping of hands from the younger branches.  This welcome
he acknowledged by sundry contortions of countenance, imitative of
the clown in one of the new pantomimes, which were so extremely
successful, that one stout gentleman rolled upon an ottoman in a
paroxysm of delight, protesting, with many gasps, that if somebody
didn't make that fellow Griggins leave off, he would be the death
of him, he knew.  At this the company only laughed more
boisterously than before, and as we always like to accommodate our
tone and spirit if possible to the humour of any society in which
we find ourself, we laughed with the rest, and exclaimed, 'Oh!
capital, capital!' as loud as any of them.

When he had quite exhausted all beholders, Mr. Griggins received
the welcomes and congratulations of the circle, and went through
the needful introductions with much ease and many puns.  This
ceremony over, he avowed his intention of sitting in somebody's lap
unless the young ladies made room for him on the sofa, which being
done, after a great deal of tittering and pleasantry, he squeezed
himself among them, and likened his condition to that of love among
the roses.  At this novel jest we all roared once more.  'You
should consider yourself highly honoured, sir,' said we.  'Sir,'
replied Mr. Griggins, 'you do me proud.'  Here everybody laughed
again; and the stout gentleman by the fire whispered in our ear
that Griggins was making a dead set at us.

The tea-things having been removed, we all sat down to a round
game, and here Mr. Griggins shone forth with peculiar brilliancy,
abstracting other people's fish, and looking over their hands in
the most comical manner.  He made one most excellent joke in
snuffing a candle, which was neither more nor less than setting
fire to the hair of a pale young gentleman who sat next him, and
afterwards begging his pardon with considerable humour.  As the
young gentleman could not see the joke however, possibly in
consequence of its being on the top of his own head, it did not go
off quite as well as it might have done; indeed, the young
gentleman was heard to murmur some general references to
'impertinence,' and a 'rascal,' and to state the number of his
lodgings in an angry tone - a turn of the conversation which might
have been productive of slaughterous consequences, if a young lady,
betrothed to the young gentleman, had not used her immediate
influence to bring about a reconciliation:  emphatically declaring
in an agitated whisper, intended for his peculiar edification but
audible to the whole table, that if he went on in that way, she
never would think of him otherwise than as a friend, though as that
she must always regard him.  At this terrible threat the young
gentleman became calm, and the young lady, overcome by the
revulsion of feeling, instantaneously fainted.

Mr. Griggins's spirits were slightly depressed for a short period
by this unlooked-for result of such a harmless pleasantry, but
being promptly elevated by the attentions of the host and several
glasses of wine, he soon recovered, and became even more vivacious
than before, insomuch that the stout gentleman previously referred
to, assured us that although he had known him since he was THAT
high (something smaller than a nutmeg-grater), he had never beheld
him in such excellent cue.

When the round game and several games at blind man's buff which
followed it were all over, and we were going down to supper, the
inexhaustible Mr. Griggins produced a small sprig of mistletoe from
his waistcoat pocket, and commenced a general kissing of the
assembled females, which occasioned great commotion and much
excitement.  We observed that several young gentlemen - including
the young gentleman with the pale countenance - were greatly
scandalised at this indecorous proceeding, and talked very big
among themselves in corners; and we observed too, that several
young ladies when remonstrated with by the aforesaid young
gentlemen, called each other to witness how they had struggled, and
protested vehemently that it was very rude, and that they were
surprised at Mrs. Brown's allowing it, and that they couldn't bear
it, and had no patience with such impertinence.  But such is the
gentle and forgiving nature of woman, that although we looked very
narrowly for it, we could not detect the slightest harshness in the
subsequent treatment of Mr. Griggins.  Indeed, upon the whole, it
struck us that among the ladies he seemed rather more popular than
before!

To recount all the drollery of Mr. Griggins at supper, would fill
such a tiny volume as this, to the very bottom of the outside
cover.  How he drank out of other people's glasses, and ate of
other people's bread, how he frightened into screaming convulsions
a little boy who was sitting up to supper in a high chair, by
sinking below the table and suddenly reappearing with a mask on;
how the hostess was really surprised that anybody could find a
pleasure in tormenting children, and how the host frowned at the
hostess, and felt convinced that Mr. Griggins had done it with the
very best intentions; how Mr. Griggins explained, and how
everybody's good-humour was restored but the child's; - to tell
these and a hundred other things ever so briefly, would occupy more
of our room and our readers' patience, than either they or we can
conveniently spare.  Therefore we change the subject, merely
observing that we have offered no description of the funny young
gentleman's personal appearance, believing that almost every
society has a Griggins of its own, and leaving all readers to
supply the deficiency, according to the particular circumstances of
their particular case.



THE THEATRICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN



All gentlemen who love the drama - and there are few gentlemen who
are not attached to the most intellectual and rational of all our
amusements - do not come within this definition.  As we have no
mean relish for theatrical entertainments ourself, we are
disinterestedly anxious that this should be perfectly understood.

The theatrical young gentleman has early and important information
on all theatrical topics.  'Well,' says he, abruptly, when you meet
him in the street, 'here's a pretty to-do.  Flimkins has thrown up
his part in the melodrama at the Surrey.' - 'And what's to be
done?' you inquire with as much gravity as you can counterfeit.
'Ah, that's the point,' replies the theatrical young gentleman,
looking very serious; 'Boozle declines it; positively declines it.
From all I am told, I should say it was decidedly in Boozle's line,
and that he would be very likely to make a great hit in it; but he
objects on the ground of Flimkins having been put up in the part
first, and says no earthly power shall induce him to take the
character.  It's a fine part, too - excellent business, I'm told.
He has to kill six people in the course of the piece, and to fight
over a bridge in red fire, which is as safe a card, you know, as
can be.  Don't mention it; but I hear that the last scene, when he
is first poisoned, and then stabbed, by Mrs. Flimkins as Vengedora,
will be the greatest thing that has been done these many years.'
With this piece of news, and laying his finger on his lips as a
caution for you not to excite the town with it, the theatrical
young gentleman hurries away.

The theatrical young gentleman, from often frequenting the
different theatrical establishments, has pet and familiar names for
them all.  Thus Covent-Garden is the garden, Drury-Lane the lane,
the Victoria the vic, and the Olympic the pic.  Actresses, too, are
always designated by their surnames only, as Taylor, Nisbett,
Faucit, Honey; that talented and lady-like girl Sheriff, that
clever little creature Horton, and so on.  In the same manner he
prefixes Christian names when he mentions actors, as Charley Young,
Jemmy Buckstone, Fred. Yates, Paul Bedford.  When he is at a loss
for a Christian name, the word 'old' applied indiscriminately
answers quite as well:  as old Charley Matthews at Vestris's, old
Harley, and old Braham.  He has a great knowledge of the private
proceedings of actresses, especially of their getting married, and
can tell you in a breath half-a-dozen who have changed their names
without avowing it.  Whenever an alteration of this kind is made in
the playbills, he will remind you that he let you into the secret
six months ago.

The theatrical young gentleman has a great reverence for all that
is connected with the stage department of the different theatres.
He would, at any time, prefer going a street or two out of his way,
to omitting to pass a stage-entrance, into which he always looks
with a curious and searching eye.  If he can only identify a
popular actor in the street, he is in a perfect transport of
delight; and no sooner meets him, than he hurries back, and walks a
few paces in front of him, so that he can turn round from time to
time, and have a good stare at his features.  He looks upon a
theatrical-fund dinner as one of the most enchanting festivities
ever known; and thinks that to be a member of the Garrick Club, and
see so many actors in their plain clothes, must be one of the
highest gratifications the world can bestow.

The theatrical young gentleman is a constant half-price visitor at
one or other of the theatres, and has an infinite relish for all
pieces which display the fullest resources of the establishment.
He likes to place implicit reliance upon the play-bills when he
goes to see a show-piece, and works himself up to such a pitch of
enthusiasm, as not only to believe (if the bills say so) that there
are three hundred and seventy-five people on the stage at one time
in the last scene, but is highly indignant with you, unless you
believe it also.  He considers that if the stage be opened from the
foot-lights to the back wall, in any new play, the piece is a
triumph of dramatic writing, and applauds accordingly.  He has a
great notion of trap-doors too; and thinks any character going down
or coming up a trap (no matter whether he be an angel or a demon -
they both do it occasionally) one of the most interesting feats in
the whole range of scenic illusion.

Besides these acquirements, he has several veracious accounts to
communicate of the private manners and customs of different actors,
which, during the pauses of a quadrille, he usually communicates to
his partner, or imparts to his neighbour at a supper table.  Thus
he is advised, that Mr. Liston always had a footman in gorgeous
livery waiting at the side-scene with a brandy bottle and tumbler,
to administer half a pint or so of spirit to him every time he came
off, without which assistance he must infallibly have fainted.  He
knows for a fact, that, after an arduous part, Mr. George Bennett
is put between two feather beds, to absorb the perspiration; and is
credibly informed, that Mr. Baker has, for many years, submitted to
a course of lukewarm toast-and-water, to qualify him to sustain his
favourite characters.  He looks upon Mr. Fitz Ball as the principal
dramatic genius and poet of the day; but holds that there are great
writers extant besides him, - in proof whereof he refers you to
various dramas and melodramas recently produced, of which he takes
in all the sixpenny and three-penny editions as fast as they
appear.

The theatrical young gentleman is a great advocate for violence of
emotion and redundancy of action.  If a father has to curse a child
upon the stage, he likes to see it done in the thorough-going
style, with no mistake about it:  to which end it is essential that
the child should follow the father on her knees, and be knocked
violently over on her face by the old gentleman as he goes into a
small cottage, and shuts the door behind him.  He likes to see a
blessing invoked upon the young lady, when the old gentleman
repents, with equal earnestness, and accompanied by the usual
conventional forms, which consist of the old gentleman looking
anxiously up into the clouds, as if to see whether it rains, and
then spreading an imaginary tablecloth in the air over the young
lady's head - soft music playing all the while.  Upon these, and
other points of a similar kind, the theatrical young gentleman is a
great critic indeed.  He is likewise very acute in judging of
natural expressions of the passions, and knows precisely the frown,
wink, nod, or leer, which stands for any one of them, or the means
by which it may be converted into any other:  as jealousy, with a
good stamp of the right foot, becomes anger; or wildness, with the
hands clasped before the throat, instead of tearing the wig, is
passionate love.  If you venture to express a doubt of the accuracy
of any of these portraitures, the theatrical young gentleman
assures you, with a haughty smile, that it always has been done in
that way, and he supposes they are not going to change it at this
time of day to please you; to which, of course, you meekly reply
that you suppose not.

There are innumerable disquisitions of this nature, in which the
theatrical young gentleman is very profound, especially to ladies
whom he is most in the habit of entertaining with them; but as we
have no space to recapitulate them at greater length, we must rest
content with calling the attention of the young ladies in general
to the theatrical young gentlemen of their own acquaintance.



THE POETICAL YOUNG GENTLEMAN



Time was, and not very long ago either, when a singular epidemic
raged among the young gentlemen, vast numbers of whom, under the
influence of the malady, tore off their neckerchiefs, turned down
their shirt collars, and exhibited themselves in the open streets
with bare throats and dejected countenances, before the eyes of an
astonished public.  These were poetical young gentlemen.  The
custom was gradually found to be inconvenient, as involving the
necessity of too much clean linen and too large washing bills, and
these outward symptoms have consequently passed away; but we are
disposed to think, notwithstanding, that the number of poetical
young gentlemen is considerably on the increase.

We know a poetical young gentleman - a very poetical young
gentleman.  We do not mean to say that he is troubled with the gift
of poesy in any remarkable degree, but his countenance is of a
plaintive and melancholy cast, his manner is abstracted and
bespeaks affliction of soul:  he seldom has his hair cut, and often
talks about being an outcast and wanting a kindred spirit; from
which, as well as from many general observations in which he is
wont to indulge, concerning mysterious impulses, and yearnings of
the heart, and the supremacy of intellect gilding all earthly
things with the glowing magic of immortal verse, it is clear to all
his friends that he has been stricken poetical.

The favourite attitude of the poetical young gentleman is lounging
on a sofa with his eyes fixed upon the ceiling, or sitting bolt
upright in a high-backed chair, staring with very round eyes at the
opposite wall.  When he is in one of these positions, his mother,
who is a worthy, affectionate old soul, will give you a nudge to
bespeak your attention without disturbing the abstracted one, and
whisper with a shake of the head, that John's imagination is at
some extraordinary work or other, you may take her word for it.
Hereupon John looks more fiercely intent upon vacancy than before,
and suddenly snatching a pencil from his pocket, puts down three
words, and a cross on the back of a card, sighs deeply, paces once
or twice across the room, inflicts a most unmerciful slap upon his
head, and walks moodily up to his dormitory.

The poetical young gentleman is apt to acquire peculiar notions of
things too, which plain ordinary people, unblessed with a poetical
obliquity of vision, would suppose to be rather distorted.  For
instance, when the sickening murder and mangling of a wretched
woman was affording delicious food wherewithal to gorge the
insatiable curiosity of the public, our friend the poetical young
gentleman was in ecstasies - not of disgust, but admiration.
'Heavens!' cried the poetical young gentleman, 'how grand; how
great!'  We ventured deferentially to inquire upon whom these
epithets were bestowed:  our humble thoughts oscillating between
the police officer who found the criminal, and the lock-keeper who
found the head.  'Upon whom!' exclaimed the poetical young
gentleman in a frenzy of poetry, 'Upon whom should they be bestowed
but upon the murderer!' - and thereupon it came out, in a fine
torrent of eloquence, that the murderer was a great spirit, a bold
creature full of daring and nerve, a man of dauntless heart and
determined courage, and withal a great casuist and able reasoner,
as was fully demonstrated in his philosophical colloquies with the
great and noble of the land.  We held our peace, and meekly
signified our indisposition to controvert these opinions - firstly,
because we were no match at quotation for the poetical young
gentleman; and secondly, because we felt it would be of little use
our entering into any disputation, if we were:  being perfectly
convinced that the respectable and immoral hero in question is not
the first and will not be the last hanged gentleman upon whom false
sympathy or diseased curiosity will be plentifully expended.

This was a stern mystic flight of the poetical young gentleman.  In
his milder and softer moments he occasionally lays down his
neckcloth, and pens stanzas, which sometimes find their way into a
Lady's Magazine, or the 'Poets' Corner' of some country newspaper;
or which, in default of either vent for his genius, adorn the
rainbow leaves of a lady's album.  These are generally written upon
some such occasions as contemplating the Bank of England by
midnight, or beholding Saint Paul's in a snow-storm; and when these
gloomy objects fail to afford him inspiration, he pours forth his
soul in a touching address to a violet, or a plaintive lament that
he is no longer a child, but has gradually grown up.

The poetical young gentleman is fond of quoting passages from his
favourite authors, who are all of the gloomy and desponding school.
He has a great deal to say too about the world, and is much given
to opining, especially if he has taken anything strong to drink,
that there is nothing in it worth living for.  He gives you to
understand, however, that for the sake of society, he means to bear
his part in the tiresome play, manfully resisting the gratification
of his own strong desire to make a premature exit; and consoles
himself with the reflection, that immortality has some chosen nook
for himself and the other great spirits whom earth has chafed and
wearied.

When the poetical young gentleman makes use of adjectives, they are
all superlatives.  Everything is of the grandest, greatest,
noblest, mightiest, loftiest; or the lowest, meanest, obscurest,
vilest, and most pitiful.  He knows no medium:  for enthusiasm is
the soul of poetry; and who so enthusiastic as a poetical young
gentleman?  'Mr. Milkwash,' says a young lady as she unlocks her
album to receive the young gentleman's original impromptu
contribution, 'how very silent you are!  I think you must be in
love.'  'Love!' cries the poetical young gentleman, starting from
his seat by the fire and terrifying the cat who scampers off at
full speed, 'Love! that burning, consuming passion; that ardour of
the soul, that fierce glowing of the heart.  Love!  The withering,
blighting influence of hope misplaced and affection slighted.  Love
did you say!  Ha! ha! ha!'

With this, the poetical young gentleman laughs a laugh belonging
only to poets and Mr. O. Smith of the Adelphi Theatre, and sits
down, pen in hand, to throw off a page or two of verse in the
biting, semi-atheistical demoniac style, which, like the poetical
young gentleman himself, is full of sound and fury, signifying
nothing.



THE 'THROWING-OFF' YOUNG GENTLEMAN



There is a certain kind of impostor - a bragging, vaunting, puffing
young gentleman - against whom we are desirous to warn that fairer
part of the creation, to whom we more peculiarly devote these our
labours.  And we are particularly induced to lay especial stress
upon this division of our subject, by a little dialogue we held
some short time ago, with an esteemed young lady of our
acquaintance, touching a most gross specimen of this class of men.
We had been urging all the absurdities of his conduct and
conversation, and dwelling upon the impossibilities he constantly
recounted - to which indeed we had not scrupled to prefix a certain
hard little word of one syllable and three letters - when our fair
friend, unable to maintain the contest any longer, reluctantly
cried, 'Well; he certainly has a habit of throwing-off, but then -
'  What then?  Throw him off yourself, said we.  And so she did,
but not at our instance, for other reasons appeared, and it might
have been better if she had done so at first.

The throwing-off young gentleman has so often a father possessed of
vast property in some remote district of Ireland, that we look with
some suspicion upon all young gentlemen who volunteer this
description of themselves.  The deceased grandfather of the
throwing-off young gentleman was a man of immense possessions, and
untold wealth; the throwing-off young gentleman remembers, as well
as if it were only yesterday, the deceased baronet's library, with
its long rows of scarce and valuable books in superbly embossed
bindings, arranged in cases, reaching from the lofty ceiling to the
oaken floor; and the fine antique chairs and tables, and the noble
old castle of Ballykillbabaloo, with its splendid prospect of hill
and dale, and wood, and rich wild scenery, and the fine hunting
stables and the spacious court-yards, 'and - and - everything upon
the same magnificent scale,' says the throwing-off young gentleman,
'princely; quite princely.  Ah!'  And he sighs as if mourning over
the fallen fortunes of his noble house.

The throwing-off young gentleman is a universal genius; at walking,
running, rowing, swimming, and skating, he is unrivalled; at all
games of chance or skill, at hunting, shooting, fishing, riding,
driving, or amateur theatricals, no one can touch him - that is
COULD not, because he gives you carefully to understand, lest there
should be any opportunity of testing his skill, that he is quite
out of practice just now, and has been for some years.  If you
mention any beautiful girl of your common acquaintance in his
hearing, the throwing-off young gentleman starts, smiles, and begs
you not to mind him, for it was quite involuntary:  people do say
indeed that they were once engaged, but no - although she is a very
fine girl, he was so situated at that time that he couldn't
possibly encourage the - 'but it's of no use talking about it!' he
adds, interrupting himself.  'She has got over it now, and I firmly
hope and trust is happy.'  With this benevolent aspiration he nods
his head in a mysterious manner, and whistling the first part of
some popular air, thinks perhaps it will be better to change the
subject.

There is another great characteristic of the throwing-off young
gentleman, which is, that he 'happens to be acquainted' with a most
extraordinary variety of people in all parts of the world.  Thus in
all disputed questions, when the throwing-off young gentleman has
no argument to bring forward, he invariably happens to be
acquainted with some distant person, intimately connected with the
subject, whose testimony decides the point against you, to the
great - may we say it - to the great admiration of three young
ladies out of every four, who consider the throwing-off young
gentleman a very highly-connected young man, and a most charming
person.

Sometimes the throwing-off young gentleman happens to look in upon
a little family circle of young ladies who are quietly spending the
evening together, and then indeed is he at the very height and
summit of his glory; for it is to be observed that he by no means
shines to equal advantage in the presence of men as in the society
of over-credulous young ladies, which is his proper element.  It is
delightful to hear the number of pretty things the throwing-off
young gentleman gives utterance to, during tea, and still more so
to observe the ease with which, from long practice and study, he
delicately blends one compliment to a lady with two for himself.
'Did you ever see a more lovely blue than this flower, Mr.
Caveton?' asks a young lady who, truth to tell, is rather smitten
with the throwing-off young gentleman.  'Never,' he replies,
bending over the object of admiration, 'never but in your eyes.'
'Oh, Mr. Caveton,' cries the young lady, blushing of course.
'Indeed I speak the truth,' replies the throwing-off young
gentleman, 'I never saw any approach to them.  I used to think my
cousin's blue eyes lovely, but they grow dim and colourless beside
yours.'  'Oh! a beautiful cousin, Mr. Caveton!' replies the young
lady, with that perfect artlessness which is the distinguishing
characteristic of all young ladies; 'an affair, of course.'  'No;
indeed, indeed you wrong me,' rejoins the throwing-off young
gentleman with great energy.  'I fervently hope that her attachment
towards me may be nothing but the natural result of our close
intimacy in childhood, and that in change of scene and among new
faces she may soon overcome it.  I love her!  Think not so meanly
of me, Miss Lowfield, I beseech, as to suppose that title, lands,
riches, and beauty, can influence MY choice.  The heart, the heart,
Miss Lowfield.'  Here the throwing-off young gentleman sinks his
voice to a still lower whisper; and the young lady duly proclaims
to all the other young ladies when they go up-stairs, to put their
bonnets on, that Mr. Caveton's relations are all immensely rich,
and that he is hopelessly beloved by title, lands, riches, and
beauty.

We have seen a throwing-off young gentleman who, to our certain
knowledge, was innocent of a note of music, and scarcely able to
recognise a tune by ear, volunteer a Spanish air upon the guitar
when he had previously satisfied himself that there was not such an
instrument within a mile of the house.

We have heard another throwing-off young gentleman, after striking
a note or two upon the piano, and accompanying it correctly (by
dint of laborious practice) with his voice, assure a circle of
wondering listeners that so acute was his ear that he was wholly
unable to sing out of tune, let him try as he would.  We have lived
to witness the unmasking of another throwing-off young gentleman,
who went out a visiting in a military cap with a gold band and
tassel, and who, after passing successfully for a captain and being
lauded to the skies for his red whiskers, his bravery, his
soldierly bearing and his pride, turned out to be the dishonest son
of an honest linen-draper in a small country town, and whom, if it
were not for this fortunate exposure, we should not yet despair of
encountering as the fortunate husband of some rich heiress.
Ladies, ladies, the throwing-off young gentlemen are often
swindlers, and always fools.  So pray you avoid them.



THE YOUNG LADIES' YOUNG GENTLEMAN



This young gentleman has several titles.  Some young ladies
consider him 'a nice young man,' others 'a fine young man,' others
'quite a lady's man,' others 'a handsome man,' others 'a remarkably
good-looking young man.'  With some young ladies he is 'a perfect
angel,' and with others 'quite a love.'  He is likewise a charming
creature, a duck, and a dear.

The young ladies' young gentleman has usually a fresh colour and
very white teeth, which latter articles, of course, he displays on
every possible opportunity.  He has brown or black hair, and
whiskers of the same, if possible; but a slight tinge of red, or
the hue which is vulgarly known as SANDY, is not considered an
objection.  If his head and face be large, his nose prominent, and
his figure square, he is an uncommonly fine young man, and
worshipped accordingly.  Should his whiskers meet beneath his chin,
so much the better, though this is not absolutely insisted on; but
he must wear an under-waistcoat, and smile constantly.

There was a great party got up by some party-loving friends of ours
last summer, to go and dine in Epping Forest.  As we hold that such
wild expeditions should never be indulged in, save by people of the
smallest means, who have no dinner at home, we should indubitably
have excused ourself from attending, if we had not recollected that
the projectors of the excursion were always accompanied on such
occasions by a choice sample of the young ladies' young gentleman,
whom we were very anxious to have an opportunity of meeting.  This
determined us, and we went.

We were to make for Chigwell in four glass coaches, each with a
trifling company of six or eight inside, and a little boy belonging
to the projectors on the box - and to start from the residence of
the projectors, Woburn-place, Russell-square, at half-past ten
precisely.  We arrived at the place of rendezvous at the appointed
time, and found the glass coaches and the little boys quite ready,
and divers young ladies and young gentlemen looking anxiously over
the breakfast-parlour blinds, who appeared by no means so much
gratified by our approach as we might have expected, but evidently
wished we had been somebody else.  Observing that our arrival in
lieu of the unknown occasioned some disappointment, we ventured to
inquire who was yet to come, when we found from the hasty reply of
a dozen voices, that it was no other than the young ladies' young
gentleman.

'I cannot imagine,' said the mamma, 'what has become of Mr. Balim -
always so punctual, always so pleasant and agreeable.  I am sure I
can-NOT think.'  As these last words were uttered in that measured,
emphatic manner which painfully announces that the speaker has not
quite made up his or her mind what to say, but is determined to
talk on nevertheless, the eldest daughter took up the subject, and
hoped no accident had happened to Mr. Balim, upon which there was a
general chorus of 'Dear Mr. Balim!' and one young lady, more
adventurous than the rest, proposed that an express should be
straightway sent to dear Mr. Balim's lodgings.  This, however, the
papa resolutely opposed, observing, in what a short young lady
behind us termed 'quite a bearish way,' that if Mr. Balim didn't
choose to come, he might stop at home.  At this all the daughters
raised a murmur of 'Oh pa!' except one sprightly little girl of
eight or ten years old, who, taking advantage of a pause in the
discourse, remarked, that perhaps Mr. Balim might have been married
that morning - for which impertinent suggestion she was summarily
ejected from the room by her eldest sister.

We were all in a state of great mortification and uneasiness, when
one of the little boys, running into the room as airily as little
boys usually run who have an unlimited allowance of animal food in
the holidays, and keep their hands constantly forced down to the
bottoms of very deep trouser-pockets when they take exercise,
joyfully announced that Mr. Balim was at that moment coming up the
street in a hackney-cab; and the intelligence was confirmed beyond
all doubt a minute afterwards by the entry of Mr. Balim himself,
who was received with repeated cries of 'Where have you been, you
naughty creature?' whereunto the naughty creature replied, that he
had been in bed, in consequence of a late party the night before,
and had only just risen.  The acknowledgment awakened a variety of
agonizing fears that he had taken no breakfast; which appearing
after a slight cross-examination to be the real state of the case,
breakfast for one was immediately ordered, notwithstanding Mr.
Balim's repeated protestations that he couldn't think of it.  He
did think of it though, and thought better of it too, for he made a
remarkably good meal when it came, and was assiduously served by a
select knot of young ladies.  It was quite delightful to see how he
ate and drank, while one pair of fair hands poured out his coffee,
and another put in the sugar, and another the milk; the rest of the
company ever and anon casting angry glances at their watches, and
the glass coaches, - and the little boys looking on in an agony of
apprehension lest it should begin to rain before we set out; it
might have rained all day, after we were once too far to turn back
again, and welcome, for aught they cared.

However, the cavalcade moved at length, every coachman being
accommodated with a hamper between his legs something larger than a
wheelbarrow; and the company being packed as closely as they
possibly could in the carriages, 'according,' as one married lady
observed, 'to the immemorial custom, which was half the diversion
of gipsy parties.'  Thinking it very likely it might be (we have
never been able to discover the other half), we submitted to be
stowed away with a cheerful aspect, and were fortunate enough to
occupy one corner of a coach in which were one old lady, four young
ladies, and the renowned Mr. Balim the young ladies' young
gentleman.

We were no sooner fairly off, than the young ladies' young
gentleman hummed a fragment of an air, which induced a young lady
to inquire whether he had danced to that the night before.  'By
Heaven, then, I did,' replied the young gentleman, 'and with a
lovely heiress; a superb creature, with twenty thousand pounds.'
'You seem rather struck,' observed another young lady.  ''Gad she
was a sweet creature,' returned the young gentleman, arranging his
hair.  'Of course SHE was struck too?' inquired the first young
lady.  'How can you ask, love?' interposed the second; 'could she
fail to be?'  'Well, honestly I think she was,' observed the young
gentleman.  At this point of the dialogue, the young lady who had
spoken first, and who sat on the young gentleman's right, struck
him a severe blow on the arm with a rosebud, and said he was a vain
man - whereupon the young gentleman insisted on having the rosebud,
and the young lady appealing for help to the other young ladies, a
charming struggle ensued, terminating in the victory of the young
gentleman, and the capture of the rosebud.  This little skirmish
over, the married lady, who was the mother of the rosebud, smiled
sweetly upon the young gentleman, and accused him of being a flirt;
the young gentleman pleading not guilty, a most interesting
discussion took place upon the important point whether the young
gentleman was a flirt or not, which being an agreeable conversation
of a light kind, lasted a considerable time.  At length, a short
silence occurring, the young ladies on either side of the young
gentleman fell suddenly fast asleep; and the young gentleman,
winking upon us to preserve silence, won a pair of gloves from
each, thereby causing them to wake with equal suddenness and to
scream very loud.  The lively conversation to which this pleasantry
gave rise, lasted for the remainder of the ride, and would have
eked out a much longer one.

We dined rather more comfortably than people usually do under such
circumstances, nothing having been left behind but the cork-screw
and the bread.  The married gentlemen were unusually thirsty, which
they attributed to the heat of the weather; the little boys ate to
inconvenience; mammas were very jovial, and their daughters very
fascinating; and the attendants being well-behaved men, got
exceedingly drunk at a respectful distance.

We had our eye on Mr. Balim at dinner-time, and perceived that he
flourished wonderfully, being still surrounded by a little group of
young ladies, who listened to him as an oracle, while he ate from
their plates and drank from their glasses in a manner truly
captivating from its excessive playfulness.  His conversation, too,
was exceedingly brilliant.  In fact, one elderly lady assured us,
that in the course of a little lively BADINAGE on the subject of
ladies' dresses, he had evinced as much knowledge as if he had been
born and bred a milliner.

As such of the fat people who did not happen to fall asleep after
dinner entered upon a most vigorous game at ball, we slipped away
alone into a thicker part of the wood, hoping to fall in with Mr.
Balim, the greater part of the young people having dropped off in
twos and threes and the young ladies' young gentleman among them.
Nor were we disappointed, for we had not walked far, when, peeping
through the trees, we discovered him before us, and truly it was a
pleasant thing to contemplate his greatness.

The young ladies' young gentleman was seated upon the ground, at
the feet of a few young ladies who were reclining on a bank; he was
so profusely decked with scarfs, ribands, flowers, and other pretty
spoils, that he looked like a lamb - or perhaps a calf would be a
better simile - adorned for the sacrifice.  One young lady
supported a parasol over his interesting head, another held his
hat, and a third his neck-cloth, which in romantic fashion he had
thrown off; the young gentleman himself, with his hand upon his
breast, and his face moulded into an expression of the most honeyed
sweetness, was warbling forth some choice specimens of vocal music
in praise of female loveliness, in a style so exquisitely perfect,
that we burst into an involuntary shout of laughter, and made a
hasty retreat.

What charming fellows these young ladies' young gentlemen are!
Ducks, dears, loves, angels, are all terms inadequate to express
their merit.  They are such amazingly, uncommonly, wonderfully,
nice men.



CONCLUSION



As we have placed before the young ladies so many specimens of
young gentlemen, and have also in the dedication of this volume
given them to understand how much we reverence and admire their
numerous virtues and perfections; as we have given them such strong
reasons to treat us with confidence, and to banish, in our case,
all that reserve and distrust of the male sex which, as a point of
general behaviour, they cannot do better than preserve and maintain
- we say, as we have done all this, we feel that now, when we have
arrived at the close of our task, they may naturally press upon us
the inquiry, what particular description of young gentlemen we can
conscientiously recommend.

Here we are at a loss.  We look over our list, and can neither
recommend the bashful young gentleman, nor the out-and-out young
gentleman, nor the very friendly young gentleman, nor the military
young gentleman, nor the political young gentleman, nor the
domestic young gentleman, nor the censorious young gentleman, nor
the funny young gentleman, nor the theatrical young gentleman, nor
the poetical young gentleman, nor the throwing-off young gentleman,
nor the young ladies' young gentleman.

As there are some good points about many of them, which still are
not sufficiently numerous to render any one among them eligible, as
a whole, our respectful advice to the young ladies is, to seek for
a young gentleman who unites in himself the best qualities of all,
and the worst weaknesses of none, and to lead him forthwith to the
hymeneal altar, whether he will or no.  And to the young lady who
secures him, we beg to tender one short fragment of matrimonial
advice, selected from many sound passages of a similar tendency, to
be found in a letter written by Dean Swift to a young lady on her
marriage.

'The grand affair of your life will be, to gain and preserve the
esteem of your husband.  Neither good-nature nor virtue will suffer
him to ESTEEM you against his judgment; and although he is not
capable of using you ill, yet you will in time grow a thing
indifferent and perhaps contemptible; unless you can supply the
loss of youth and beauty with more durable qualities.  You have but
a very few years to be young and handsome in the eyes of the world;
and as few months to be so in the eyes of a husband who is not a
fool; for I hope you do not still dream of charms and raptures,
which marriage ever did, and ever will, put a sudden end to.'

From the anxiety we express for the proper behaviour of the
fortunate lady after marriage, it may possibly be inferred that the
young gentleman to whom we have so delicately alluded, is no other
than ourself.  Without in any way committing ourself upon this
point, we have merely to observe, that we are ready to receive
sealed offers containing a full specification of age, temper,
appearance, and condition; but we beg it to be distinctly
understood that we do not pledge ourself to accept the highest
bidder.

These offers may be forwarded to the Publishers, Messrs. Chapman
and Hall, London; to whom all pieces of plate and other
testimonials of approbation from the young ladies generally, are
respectfully requested to be addressed.




SKETCHES OF YOUNG COUPLES




AN URGENT REMONSTRANCE, &c

TO THE GENTLEMEN OF ENGLAND,

(BEING BACHELORS OR WIDOWERS,)

THE REMONSTRANCE OF THEIR FAITHFUL FELLOW-SUBJECT,

SHEWETH,-

THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, Victoria, by the Grace of God of
the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of
the Faith, did, on the 23rd day of November last past, declare and
pronounce to Her Most Honourable Privy Council, Her Majesty's Most
Gracious intention of entering into the bonds of wedlock.

THAT Her Most Gracious Majesty, in so making known Her Most
Gracious intention to Her Most Honourable Privy Council as
aforesaid, did use and employ the words - 'It is my intention to
ally myself in marriage with Prince Albert of Saxe Coburg and
Gotha.'

THAT the present is Bissextile, or Leap Year, in which it is held
and considered lawful for any lady to offer and submit proposals of
marriage to any gentleman, and to enforce and insist upon
acceptance of the same, under pain of a certain fine or penalty; to
wit, one silk or satin dress of the first quality, to be chosen by
the lady and paid (or owed) for, by the gentleman.

THAT these and other the horrors and dangers with which the said
Bissextile, or Leap Year, threatens the gentlemen of England on
every occasion of its periodical return, have been greatly
aggravated and augmented by the terms of Her Majesty's said Most
Gracious communication, which have filled the heads of divers young
ladies in this Realm with certain new ideas destructive to the
peace of mankind, that never entered their imagination before.

THAT a case has occurred in Camberwell, in which a young lady
informed her Papa that 'she intended to ally herself in marriage'
with Mr. Smith of Stepney; and that another, and a very distressing
case, has occurred at Tottenham, in which a young lady not only
stated her intention of allying herself in marriage with her cousin
John, but, taking violent possession of her said cousin, actually
married him.

THAT similar outrages are of constant occurrence, not only in the
capital and its neighbourhood, but throughout the kingdom, and that
unless the excited female populace be speedily checked and
restrained in their lawless proceedings, most deplorable results
must ensue therefrom; among which may be anticipated a most
alarming increase in the population of the country, with which no
efforts of the agricultural or manufacturing interest can possibly
keep pace.

THAT there is strong reason to suspect the existence of a most
extensive plot, conspiracy, or design, secretly contrived by vast
numbers of single ladies in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and
Ireland, and now extending its ramifications in every quarter of
the land; the object and intent of which plainly appears to be the
holding and solemnising of an enormous and unprecedented number of
marriages, on the day on which the nuptials of Her said Most
Gracious Majesty are performed.

THAT such plot, conspiracy, or design, strongly savours of Popery,
as tending to the discomfiture of the Clergy of the Established
Church, by entailing upon them great mental and physical
exhaustion; and that such Popish plots are fomented and encouraged
by Her Majesty's Ministers, which clearly appears - not only from
Her Majesty's principal Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs
traitorously getting married while holding office under the Crown;
but from Mr. O'Connell having been heard to declare and avow that,
if he had a daughter to marry, she should be married on the same
day as Her said Most Gracious Majesty.

THAT such arch plots, conspiracies, and designs, besides being
fraught with danger to the Established Church, and (consequently)
to the State, cannot fail to bring ruin and bankruptcy upon a large
class of Her Majesty's subjects; as a great and sudden increase in
the number of married men occasioning the comparative desertion
(for a time) of Taverns, Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses,
will deprive the Proprietors of their accustomed profits and
returns.  And in further proof of the depth and baseness of such
designs, it may be here observed, that all proprietors of Taverns,
Hotels, Billiard-rooms, and Gaming-Houses, are (especially the
last) solemnly devoted to the Protestant religion.

FOR all these reasons, and many others of no less gravity and
import, an urgent appeal is made to the gentlemen of England (being
bachelors or widowers) to take immediate steps for convening a
Public meeting; To consider of the best and surest means of
averting the dangers with which they are threatened by the
recurrence of Bissextile, or Leap Year, and the additional
sensation created among single ladies by the terms of Her Majesty's
Most Gracious Declaration; To take measures, without delay, for
resisting the said single Ladies, and counteracting their evil
designs; And to pray Her Majesty to dismiss her present Ministers,
and to summon to her Councils those distinguished Gentlemen in
various Honourable Professions who, by insulting on all occasions
the only Lady in England who can be insulted with safety, have
given a sufficient guarantee to Her Majesty's Loving Subjects that
they, at least, are qualified to make war with women, and are
already expert in the use of those weapons which are common to the
lowest and most abandoned of the sex.



THE YOUNG COUPLE



There is to be a wedding this morning at the corner house in the
terrace.  The pastry-cook's people have been there half-a-dozen
times already; all day yesterday there was a great stir and bustle,
and they were up this morning as soon as it was light.  Miss Emma
Fielding is going to be married to young Mr. Harvey.

Heaven alone can tell in what bright colours this marriage is
painted upon the mind of the little housemaid at number six, who
has hardly slept a wink all night with thinking of it, and now
stands on the unswept door-steps leaning upon her broom, and
looking wistfully towards the enchanted house.  Nothing short of
omniscience can divine what visions of the baker, or the green-
grocer, or the smart and most insinuating butterman, are flitting
across her mind - what thoughts of how she would dress on such an
occasion, if she were a lady - of how she would dress, if she were
only a bride - of how cook would dress, being bridesmaid,
conjointly with her sister 'in place' at Fulham, and how the
clergyman, deeming them so many ladies, would be quite humbled and
respectful.  What day-dreams of hope and happiness - of life being
one perpetual holiday, with no master and no mistress to grant or
withhold it - of every Sunday being a Sunday out - of pure freedom
as to curls and ringlets, and no obligation to hide fine heads of
hair in caps - what pictures of happiness, vast and immense to her,
but utterly ridiculous to us, bewilder the brain of the little
housemaid at number six, all called into existence by the wedding
at the corner!

We smile at such things, and so we should, though perhaps for a
better reason than commonly presents itself.  It should be pleasant
to us to know that there are notions of happiness so moderate and
limited, since upon those who entertain them, happiness and
lightness of heart are very easily bestowed.

But the little housemaid is awakened from her reverie, for forth
from the door of the magical corner house there runs towards her,
all fluttering in smart new dress and streaming ribands, her friend
Jane Adams, who comes all out of breath to redeem a solemn promise
of taking her in, under cover of the confusion, to see the
breakfast table spread forth in state, and - sight of sights! - her
young mistress ready dressed for church.

And there, in good truth, when they have stolen up-stairs on tip-
toe and edged themselves in at the chamber-door - there is Miss
Emma 'looking like the sweetest picter,' in a white chip bonnet and
orange flowers, and all other elegancies becoming a bride, (with
the make, shape, and quality of every article of which the girl is
perfectly familiar in one moment, and never forgets to her dying
day) - and there is Miss Emma's mamma in tears, and Miss Emma's
papa comforting her, and saying how that of course she has been
long looking forward to this, and how happy she ought to be - and
there too is Miss Emma's sister with her arms round her neck, and
the other bridesmaid all smiles and tears, quieting the children,
who would cry more but that they are so finely dressed, and yet sob
for fear sister Emma should be taken away - and it is all so
affecting, that the two servant-girls cry more than anybody; and
Jane Adams, sitting down upon the stairs, when they have crept
away, declares that her legs tremble so that she don't know what to
do, and that she will say for Miss Emma, that she never had a hasty
word from her, and that she does hope and pray she may be happy.

But Jane soon comes round again, and then surely there never was
anything like the breakfast table, glittering with plate and china,
and set out with flowers and sweets, and long-necked bottles, in
the most sumptuous and dazzling manner.  In the centre, too, is the
mighty charm, the cake, glistening with frosted sugar, and
garnished beautifully.  They agree that there ought to be a little
Cupid under one of the barley-sugar temples, or at least two hearts
and an arrow; but, with this exception, there is nothing to wish
for, and a table could not be handsomer.  As they arrive at this
conclusion, who should come in but Mr. John! to whom Jane says that
its only Anne from number six; and John says HE knows, for he's
often winked his eye down the area, which causes Anne to blush and
look confused.  She is going away, indeed; when Mr. John will have
it that she must drink a glass of wine, and he says never mind it's
being early in the morning, it won't hurt her:  so they shut the
door and pour out the wine; and Anne drinking lane's health, and
adding, 'and here's wishing you yours, Mr. John,' drinks it in a
great many sips, - Mr. John all the time making jokes appropriate
to the occasion.  At last Mr. John, who has waxed bolder by
degrees, pleads the usage at weddings, and claims the privilege of
a kiss, which he obtains after a great scuffle; and footsteps being
now heard on the stairs, they disperse suddenly.

By this time a carriage has driven up to convey the bride to
church, and Anne of number six prolonging the process of 'cleaning
her door,' has the satisfaction of beholding the bride and
bridesmaids, and the papa and mamma, hurry into the same and drive
rapidly off.  Nor is this all, for soon other carriages begin to
arrive with a posse of company all beautifully dressed, at whom she
could stand and gaze for ever; but having something else to do, is
compelled to take one last long look and shut the street-door.

And now the company have gone down to breakfast, and tears have
given place to smiles, for all the corks are out of the long-necked
bottles, and their contents are disappearing rapidly.  Miss Emma's
papa is at the top of the table; Miss Emma's mamma at the bottom;
and beside the latter are Miss Emma herself and her husband, -
admitted on all hands to be the handsomest and most interesting
young couple ever known.  All down both sides of the table, too,
are various young ladies, beautiful to see, and various young
gentlemen who seem to think so; and there, in a post of honour, is
an unmarried aunt of Miss Emma's, reported to possess unheard-of
riches, and to have expressed vast testamentary intentions
respecting her favourite niece and new nephew.  This lady has been
very liberal and generous already, as the jewels worn by the bride
abundantly testify, but that is nothing to what she means to do, or
even to what she has done, for she put herself in close
communication with the dressmaker three months ago, and prepared a
wardrobe (with some articles worked by her own hands) fit for a
Princess.  People may call her an old maid, and so she may be, but
she is neither cross nor ugly for all that; on the contrary, she is
very cheerful and pleasant-looking, and very kind and tender-
hearted:  which is no matter of surprise except to those who yield
to popular prejudices without thinking why, and will never grow
wiser and never know better.

Of all the company though, none are more pleasant to behold or
better pleased with themselves than two young children, who, in
honour of the day, have seats among the guests.  Of these, one is a
little fellow of six or eight years old, brother to the bride, -
and the other a girl of the same age, or something younger, whom he
calls 'his wife.'  The real bride and bridegroom are not more
devoted than they:  he all love and attention, and she all blushes
and fondness, toying with a little bouquet which he gave her this
morning, and placing the scattered rose-leaves in her bosom with
nature's own coquettishness.  They have dreamt of each other in
their quiet dreams, these children, and their little hearts have
been nearly broken when the absent one has been dispraised in jest.
When will there come in after-life a passion so earnest, generous,
and true as theirs; what, even in its gentlest realities, can have
the grace and charm that hover round such fairy lovers!

By this time the merriment and happiness of the feast have gained
their height; certain ominous looks begin to be exchanged between
the bridesmaids, and somehow it gets whispered about that the
carriage which is to take the young couple into the country has
arrived.  Such members of the party as are most disposed to prolong
its enjoyments, affect to consider this a false alarm, but it turns
out too true, being speedily confirmed, first by the retirement of
the bride and a select file of intimates who are to prepare her for
the journey, and secondly by the withdrawal of the ladies
generally.  To this there ensues a particularly awkward pause, in
which everybody essays to be facetious, and nobody succeeds; at
length the bridegroom makes a mysterious disappearance in obedience
to some equally mysterious signal; and the table is deserted.

Now, for at least six weeks last past it has been solemnly devised
and settled that the young couple should go away in secret; but
they no sooner appear without the door than the drawing-room
windows are blocked up with ladies waving their handkerchiefs and
kissing their hands, and the dining-room panes with gentlemen's
faces beaming farewell in every queer variety of its expression.
The hall and steps are crowded with servants in white favours,
mixed up with particular friends and relations who have darted out
to say good-bye; and foremost in the group are the tiny lovers arm
in arm, thinking, with fluttering hearts, what happiness it would
be to dash away together in that gallant coach, and never part
again.

The bride has barely time for one hurried glance at her old home,
when the steps rattle, the door slams, the horses clatter on the
pavement, and they have left it far away.

A knot of women servants still remain clustered in the hall,
whispering among themselves, and there of course is Anne from
number six, who has made another escape on some plea or other, and
been an admiring witness of the departure.  There are two points on
which Anne expatiates over and over again, without the smallest
appearance of fatigue or intending to leave off; one is, that she
'never see in all her life such a - oh such a angel of a gentleman
as Mr. Harvey' - and the other, that she 'can't tell how it is, but
it don't seem a bit like a work-a-day, or a Sunday neither - it's
all so unsettled and unregular.'



THE FORMAL COUPLE



The formal couple are the most prim, cold, immovable, and
unsatisfactory people on the face of the earth.  Their faces,
voices, dress, house, furniture, walk, and manner, are all the
essence of formality, unrelieved by one redeeming touch of
frankness, heartiness, or nature.

Everything with the formal couple resolves itself into a matter of
form.  They don't call upon you on your account, but their own; not
to see how you are, but to show how they are:  it is not a ceremony
to do honour to you, but to themselves, - not due to your position,
but to theirs.  If one of a friend's children die, the formal
couple are as sure and punctual in sending to the house as the
undertaker; if a friend's family be increased, the monthly nurse is
not more attentive than they.  The formal couple, in fact, joyfully
seize all occasions of testifying their good-breeding and precise
observance of the little usages of society; and for you, who are
the means to this end, they care as much as a man does for the
tailor who has enabled him to cut a figure, or a woman for the
milliner who has assisted her to a conquest.

Having an extensive connexion among that kind of people who make
acquaintances and eschew friends, the formal gentleman attends from
time to time a great many funerals, to which he is formally
invited, and to which he formally goes, as returning a call for the
last time.  Here his deportment is of the most faultless
description; he knows the exact pitch of voice it is proper to
assume, the sombre look he ought to wear, the melancholy tread
which should be his gait for the day.  He is perfectly acquainted
with all the dreary courtesies to be observed in a mourning-coach;
knows when to sigh, and when to hide his nose in the white
handkerchief; and looks into the grave and shakes his head when the
ceremony is concluded, with the sad formality of a mute.

'What kind of funeral was it?' says the formal lady, when he
returns home.  'Oh!' replies the formal gentleman, 'there never was
such a gross and disgusting impropriety; there were no feathers.'
'No feathers!' cries the lady, as if on wings of black feathers
dead people fly to Heaven, and, lacking them, they must of
necessity go elsewhere.  Her husband shakes his head; and further
adds, that they had seed-cake instead of plum-cake, and that it was
all white wine.  'All white wine!' exclaims his wife.  'Nothing but
sherry and madeira,' says the husband.  'What! no port?'  'Not a
drop.'  No port, no plums, and no feathers!  'You will recollect,
my dear,' says the formal lady, in a voice of stately reproof,
'that when we first met this poor man who is now dead and gone, and
he took that very strange course of addressing me at dinner without
being previously introduced, I ventured to express my opinion that
the family were quite ignorant of etiquette, and very imperfectly
acquainted with the decencies of life.  You have now had a good
opportunity of judging for yourself, and all I have to say is, that
I trust you will never go to a funeral THERE again.'  'My dear,'
replies the formal gentleman, 'I never will.'  So the informal
deceased is cut in his grave; and the formal couple, when they tell
the story of the funeral, shake their heads, and wonder what some
people's feelings ARE made of, and what their notions of propriety
CAN be!

If the formal couple have a family (which they sometimes have),
they are not children, but little, pale, sour, sharp-nosed men and
women; and so exquisitely brought up, that they might be very old
dwarfs for anything that appeareth to the contrary.  Indeed, they
are so acquainted with forms and conventionalities, and conduct
themselves with such strict decorum, that to see the little girl
break a looking-glass in some wild outbreak, or the little boy kick
his parents, would be to any visitor an unspeakable relief and
consolation.

The formal couple are always sticklers for what is rigidly proper,
and have a great readiness in detecting hidden impropriety of
speech or thought, which by less scrupulous people would be wholly
unsuspected.  Thus, if they pay a visit to the theatre, they sit
all night in a perfect agony lest anything improper or immoral
should proceed from the stage; and if anything should happen to be
said which admits of a double construction, they never fail to take
it up directly, and to express by their looks the great outrage
which their feelings have sustained.  Perhaps this is their chief
reason for absenting themselves almost entirely from places of
public amusement.  They go sometimes to the Exhibition of the Royal
Academy; - but that is often more shocking than the stage itself,
and the formal lady thinks that it really is high time Mr. Etty was
prosecuted and made a public example of.

We made one at a christening party not long since, where there were
amongst the guests a formal couple, who suffered the acutest
torture from certain jokes, incidental to such an occasion, cut -
and very likely dried also - by one of the godfathers; a red-faced
elderly gentleman, who, being highly popular with the rest of the
company, had it all his own way, and was in great spirits.  It was
at supper-time that this gentleman came out in full force.  We -
being of a grave and quiet demeanour - had been chosen to escort
the formal lady down-stairs, and, sitting beside her, had a
favourable opportunity of observing her emotions.

We have a shrewd suspicion that, in the very beginning, and in the
first blush - literally the first blush - of the matter, the formal
lady had not felt quite certain whether the being present at such a
ceremony, and encouraging, as it were, the public exhibition of a
baby, was not an act involving some degree of indelicacy and
impropriety; but certain we are that when that baby's health was
drunk, and allusions were made, by a grey-headed gentleman
proposing it, to the time when he had dandled in his arms the young
Christian's mother, - certain we are that then the formal lady took
the alarm, and recoiled from the old gentleman as from a hoary
profligate.  Still she bore it; she fanned herself with an
indignant air, but still she bore it.  A comic song was sung,
involving a confession from some imaginary gentleman that he had
kissed a female, and yet the formal lady bore it.  But when at
last, the health of the godfather before-mentioned being drunk, the
godfather rose to return thanks, and in the course of his
observations darkly hinted at babies yet unborn, and even
contemplated the possibility of the subject of that festival having
brothers and sisters, the formal lady could endure no more, but,
bowing slightly round, and sweeping haughtily past the offender,
left the room in tears, under the protection of the formal
gentleman.



THE LOVING COUPLE



There cannot be a better practical illustration of the wise saw and
ancient instance, that there may be too much of a good thing, than
is presented by a loving couple.  Undoubtedly it is meet and proper
that two persons joined together in holy matrimony should be
loving, and unquestionably it is pleasant to know and see that they
are so; but there is a time for all things, and the couple who
happen to be always in a loving state before company, are well-nigh
intolerable.

And in taking up this position we would have it distinctly
understood that we do not seek alone the sympathy of bachelors, in
whose objection to loving couples we recognise interested motives
and personal considerations.  We grant that to that unfortunate
class of society there may be something very irritating,
tantalising, and provoking, in being compelled to witness those
gentle endearments and chaste interchanges which to loving couples
are quite the ordinary business of life.  But while we recognise
the natural character of the prejudice to which these unhappy men
are subject, we can neither receive their biassed evidence, nor
address ourself to their inflamed and angered minds.  Dispassionate
experience is our only guide; and in these moral essays we seek no
less to reform hymeneal offenders than to hold out a timely warning
to all rising couples, and even to those who have not yet set forth
upon their pilgrimage towards the matrimonial market.

Let all couples, present or to come, therefore profit by the
example of Mr. and Mrs. Leaver, themselves a loving couple in the
first degree.

Mr. and Mrs. Leaver are pronounced by Mrs. Starling, a widow lady
who lost her husband when she was young, and lost herself about the
same-time - for by her own count she has never since grown five
years older - to be a perfect model of wedded felicity.  'You would
suppose,' says the romantic lady, 'that they were lovers only just
now engaged.  Never was such happiness!  They are so tender, so
affectionate, so attached to each other, so enamoured, that
positively nothing can be more charming!'

'Augusta, my soul,' says Mr. Leaver.  'Augustus, my life,' replies
Mrs. Leaver.  'Sing some little ballad, darling,' quoth Mr. Leaver.
'I couldn't, indeed, dearest,' returns Mrs. Leaver.  'Do, my dove,'
says Mr. Leaver.  'I couldn't possibly, my love,' replies Mrs.
Leaver; 'and it's very naughty of you to ask me.'  'Naughty,
darling!' cries Mr. Leaver.  'Yes, very naughty, and very cruel,'
returns Mrs. Leaver, 'for you know I have a sore throat, and that
to sing would give me great pain.  You're a monster, and I hate
you.  Go away!'  Mrs. Leaver has said 'go away,' because Mr. Leaver
has tapped her under the chin:  Mr. Leaver not doing as he is bid,
but on the contrary, sitting down beside her, Mrs. Leaver slaps Mr.
Leaver; and Mr. Leaver in return slaps Mrs. Leaver, and it being
now time for all persons present to look the other way, they look
the other way, and hear a still small sound as of kissing, at which
Mrs. Starling is thoroughly enraptured, and whispers her neighbour
that if all married couples were like that, what a heaven this
earth would be!

The loving couple are at home when this occurs, and maybe only
three or four friends are present, but, unaccustomed to reserve
upon this interesting point, they are pretty much the same abroad.
Indeed upon some occasions, such as a pic-nic or a water-party,
their lovingness is even more developed, as we had an opportunity
last summer of observing in person.

There was a great water-party made up to go to Twickenham and dine,
and afterwards dance in an empty villa by the river-side, hired
expressly for the purpose.  Mr. and Mrs. Leaver were of the
company; and it was our fortune to have a seat in the same boat,
which was an eight-oared galley, manned by amateurs, with a blue
striped awning of the same pattern as their Guernsey shirts, and a
dingy red flag of the same shade as the whiskers of the stroke oar.
A coxswain being appointed, and all other matters adjusted, the
eight gentlemen threw themselves into strong paroxysms, and pulled
up with the tide, stimulated by the compassionate remarks of the
ladies, who one and all exclaimed, that it seemed an immense
exertion - as indeed it did.  At first we raced the other boat,
which came alongside in gallant style; but this being found an
unpleasant amusement, as giving rise to a great quantity of
splashing, and rendering the cold pies and other viands very moist,
it was unanimously voted down, and we were suffered to shoot a-
head, while the second boat followed ingloriously in our wake.

It was at this time that we first recognised Mr. Leaver.  There
were two firemen-watermen in the boat, lying by until somebody was
exhausted; and one of them, who had taken upon himself the
direction of affairs, was heard to cry in a gruff voice, 'Pull
away, number two - give it her, number two - take a longer reach,
number two - now, number two, sir, think you're winning a boat.'
The greater part of the company had no doubt begun to wonder which
of the striped Guernseys it might be that stood in need of such
encouragement, when a stifled shriek from Mrs. Leaver confirmed the
doubtful and informed the ignorant; and Mr. Leaver, still further
disguised in a straw hat and no neckcloth, was observed to be in a
fearful perspiration, and failing visibly.  Nor was the general
consternation diminished at this instant by the same gentleman (in
the performance of an accidental aquatic feat, termed 'catching a
crab') plunging suddenly backward, and displaying nothing of
himself to the company, but two violently struggling legs.  Mrs.
Leaver shrieked again several times, and cried piteously - 'Is he
dead?  Tell me the worst.  Is he dead?'

Now, a moment's reflection might have convinced the loving wife,
that unless her husband were endowed with some most surprising
powers of muscular action, he never could be dead while he kicked
so hard; but still Mrs. Leaver cried, 'Is he dead? is he dead?' and
still everybody else cried - 'No, no, no,' until such time as Mr.
Leaver was replaced in a sitting posture, and his oar (which had
been going through all kinds of wrong-headed performances on its
own account) was once more put in his hand, by the exertions of the
two firemen-watermen.  Mr. Leaver then exclaimed, 'Augustus, my
child, come to me;' and Mr. Leaver said, 'Augusta, my love, compose
yourself, I am not injured.'  But Mrs. Leaver cried again more
piteously than before, 'Augustus, my child, come to me;' and now
the company generally, who seemed to be apprehensive that if Mr.
Leaver remained where he was, he might contribute more than his
proper share towards the drowning of the party, disinterestedly
took part with Mrs. Leaver, and said he really ought to go, and
that he was not strong enough for such violent exercise, and ought
never to have undertaken it.  Reluctantly, Mr. Leaver went, and
laid himself down at Mrs. Leaver's feet, and Mrs. Leaver stooping
over him, said, 'Oh Augustus, how could you terrify me so?' and Mr.
Leaver said, 'Augusta, my sweet, I never meant to terrify you;' and
Mrs. Leaver said, 'You are faint, my dear;' and Mr. Leaver said, 'I
am rather so, my love;' and they were very loving indeed under Mrs.
Leaver's veil, until at length Mr. Leaver came forth again, and
pleasantly asked if he had not heard something said about bottled
stout and sandwiches.

Mrs. Starling, who was one of the party, was perfectly delighted
with this scene, and frequently murmured half-aside, 'What a loving
couple you are!' or 'How delightful it is to see man and wife so
happy together!'  To us she was quite poetical, (for we are a kind
of cousins,) observing that hearts beating in unison like that made
life a paradise of sweets; and that when kindred creatures were
drawn together by sympathies so fine and delicate, what more than
mortal happiness did not our souls partake!  To all this we
answered 'Certainly,' or 'Very true,' or merely sighed, as the case
might be.  At every new act of the loving couple, the widow's
admiration broke out afresh; and when Mrs. Leaver would not permit
Mr. Leaver to keep his hat off, lest the sun should strike to his
head, and give him a brain fever, Mrs. Starling actually shed
tears, and said it reminded her of Adam and Eve.

The loving couple were thus loving all the way to Twickenham, but
when we arrived there (by which time the amateur crew looked very
thirsty and vicious) they were more playful than ever, for Mrs.
Leaver threw stones at Mr. Leaver, and Mr. Leaver ran after Mrs.
Leaver on the grass, in a most innocent and enchanting manner.  At
dinner, too, Mr. Leaver WOULD steal Mrs. Leaver's tongue, and Mrs.
Leaver WOULD retaliate upon Mr. Leaver's fowl; and when Mrs. Leaver
was going to take some lobster salad, Mr. Leaver wouldn't let her
have any, saying that it made her ill, and she was always sorry for
it afterwards, which afforded Mrs. Leaver an opportunity of
pretending to be cross, and showing many other prettinesses.  But
this was merely the smiling surface of their loves, not the mighty
depths of the stream, down to which the company, to say the truth,
dived rather unexpectedly, from the following accident.  It chanced
that Mr. Leaver took upon himself to propose the bachelors who had
first originated the notion of that entertainment, in doing which,
he affected to regret that he was no longer of their body himself,
and pretended grievously to lament his fallen state.  This Mrs.
Leaver's feelings could not brook, even in jest, and consequently,
exclaiming aloud, 'He loves me not, he loves me not!' she fell in a
very pitiable state into the arms of Mrs. Starling, and, directly
becoming insensible, was conveyed by that lady and her husband into
another room.  Presently Mr. Leaver came running back to know if
there was a medical gentleman in company, and as there was, (in
what company is there not?) both Mr. Leaver and the medical
gentleman hurried away together.

The medical gentleman was the first who returned, and among his
intimate friends he was observed to laugh and wink, and look as
unmedical as might be; but when Mr. Leaver came back he was very
solemn, and in answer to all inquiries, shook his head, and
remarked that Augusta was far too sensitive to be trifled with - an
opinion which the widow subsequently confirmed.  Finding that she
was in no imminent peril, however, the rest of the party betook
themselves to dancing on the green, and very merry and happy they
were, and a vast quantity of flirtation there was; the last
circumstance being no doubt attributable, partly to the fineness of
the weather, and partly to the locality, which is well known to be
favourable to all harmless recreations.

In the bustle of the scene, Mr. and Mrs. Leaver stole down to the
boat, and disposed themselves under the awning, Mrs. Leaver
reclining her head upon Mr. Leaver's shoulder, and Mr. Leaver
grasping her hand with great fervour, and looking in her face from
time to time with a melancholy and sympathetic aspect.  The widow
sat apart, feigning to be occupied with a book, but stealthily
observing them from behind her fan; and the two firemen-watermen,
smoking their pipes on the bank hard by, nudged each other, and
grinned in enjoyment of the joke.  Very few of the party missed the
loving couple; and the few who did, heartily congratulated each
other on their disappearance.



THE CONTRADICTORY COUPLE



One would suppose that two people who are to pass their whole lives
together, and must necessarily be very often alone with each other,
could find little pleasure in mutual contradiction; and yet what is
more common than a contradictory couple?

The contradictory couple agree in nothing but contradiction.  They
return home from Mrs. Bluebottle's dinner-party, each in an
opposite corner of the coach, and do not exchange a syllable until
they have been seated for at least twenty minutes by the fireside
at home, when the gentleman, raising his eyes from the stove, all
at once breaks silence:

'What a very extraordinary thing it is,' says he, 'that you WILL
contradict, Charlotte!'  'I contradict!' cries the lady, 'but
that's just like you.'  'What's like me?' says the gentleman
sharply.  'Saying that I contradict you,' replies the lady.  'Do
you mean to say that you do NOT contradict me?' retorts the
gentleman; 'do you mean to say that you have not been contradicting
me the whole of this day?'  'Do you mean to tell me now, that you
have not?  I mean to tell you nothing of the kind,' replies the
lady quietly; 'when you are wrong, of course I shall contradict
you.'

During this dialogue the gentleman has been taking his brandy-and-
water on one side of the fire, and the lady, with her dressing-case
on the table, has been curling her hair on the other.  She now lets
down her back hair, and proceeds to brush it; preserving at the
same time an air of conscious rectitude and suffering virtue, which
is intended to exasperate the gentleman - and does so.

'I do believe,' he says, taking the spoon out of his glass, and
tossing it on the table, 'that of all the obstinate, positive,
wrong-headed creatures that were ever born, you are the most so,
Charlotte.'  'Certainly, certainly, have it your own way, pray.
You see how much I contradict you,' rejoins the lady.  'Of course,
you didn't contradict me at dinner-time - oh no, not you!' says the
gentleman.  'Yes, I did,' says the lady.  'Oh, you did,' cries the
gentleman 'you admit that?'  'If you call that contradiction, I
do,' the lady answers; 'and I say again, Edward, that when I know
you are wrong, I will contradict you.  I am not your slave.'  'Not
my slave!' repeats the gentleman bitterly; 'and you still mean to
say that in the Blackburns' new house there are not more than
fourteen doors, including the door of the wine-cellar!'  'I mean to
say,' retorts the lady, beating time with her hair-brush on the
palm of her hand, 'that in that house there are fourteen doors and
no more.'  'Well then - ' cries the gentleman, rising in despair,
and pacing the room with rapid strides.  'By G-, this is enough to
destroy a man's intellect, and drive him mad!'

By and by the gentleman comes-to a little, and passing his hand
gloomily across his forehead, reseats himself in his former chair.
There is a long silence, and this time the lady begins.  'I
appealed to Mr. Jenkins, who sat next to me on the sofa in the
drawing-room during tea - '  'Morgan, you mean,' interrupts the
gentleman.  'I do not mean anything of the kind,' answers the lady.
'Now, by all that is aggravating and impossible to bear,' cries the
gentleman, clenching his hands and looking upwards in agony, 'she
is going to insist upon it that Morgan is Jenkins!'  'Do you take
me for a perfect fool?' exclaims the lady; 'do you suppose I don't
know the one from the other?  Do you suppose I don't know that the
man in the blue coat was Mr. Jenkins?'  'Jenkins in a blue coat!'
cries the gentleman with a groan; 'Jenkins in a blue coat! a man
who would suffer death rather than wear anything but brown!'  'Do
you dare to charge me with telling an untruth?' demands the lady,
bursting into tears.  'I charge you, ma'am,' retorts the gentleman,
starting up, 'with being a monster of contradiction, a monster of
aggravation, a - a - a - Jenkins in a blue coat! - what have I done
that I should be doomed to hear such statements!'

Expressing himself with great scorn and anguish, the gentleman
takes up his candle and stalks off to bed, where feigning to be
fast asleep when the lady comes up-stairs drowned in tears,
murmuring lamentations over her hard fate and indistinct intentions
of consulting her brothers, he undergoes the secret torture of
hearing her exclaim between whiles, 'I know there are only fourteen
doors in the house, I know it was Mr. Jenkins, I know he had a blue
coat on, and I would say it as positively as I do now, if they were
the last words I had to speak!'

If the contradictory couple are blessed with children, they are not
the less contradictory on that account.  Master James and Miss
Charlotte present themselves after dinner, and being in perfect
good humour, and finding their parents in the same amiable state,
augur from these appearances half a glass of wine a-piece and other
extraordinary indulgences.  But unfortunately Master James, growing
talkative upon such prospects, asks his mamma how tall Mrs. Parsons
is, and whether she is not six feet high; to which his mamma
replies, 'Yes, she should think she was, for Mrs. Parsons is a very
tall lady indeed; quite a giantess.'  'For Heaven's sake,
Charlotte,' cries her husband, 'do not tell the child such
preposterous nonsense.  Six feet high!'  'Well,' replies the lady,
'surely I may be permitted to have an opinion; my opinion is, that
she is six feet high - at least six feet.'  'Now you know,
Charlotte,' retorts the gentleman sternly, 'that that is NOT your
opinion - that you have no such idea - and that you only say this
for the sake of contradiction.'  'You are exceedingly polite,' his
wife replies; 'to be wrong about such a paltry question as
anybody's height, would be no great crime; but I say again, that I
believe Mrs. Parsons to be six feet - more than six feet; nay, I
believe you know her to be full six feet, and only say she is not,
because I say she is.'  This taunt disposes the gentleman to become
violent, but he cheeks himself, and is content to mutter, in a
haughty tone, 'Six feet - ha! ha!  Mrs. Parsons six feet!' and the
lady answers, 'Yes, six feet.  I am sure I am glad you are amused,
and I'll say it again - six feet.'  Thus the subject gradually
drops off, and the contradiction begins to be forgotten, when
Master James, with some undefined notion of making himself
agreeable, and putting things to rights again, unfortunately asks
his mamma what the moon's made of; which gives her occasion to say
that he had better not ask her, for she is always wrong and never
can be right; that he only exposes her to contradiction by asking
any question of her; and that he had better ask his papa, who is
infallible, and never can be wrong.  Papa, smarting under this
attack, gives a terrible pull at the bell, and says, that if the
conversation is to proceed in this way, the children had better be
removed.  Removed they are, after a few tears and many struggles;
and Pa having looked at Ma sideways for a minute or two, with a
baleful eye, draws his pocket-handkerchief over his face, and
composes himself for his after-dinner nap.

The friends of the contradictory couple often deplore their
frequent disputes, though they rather make light of them at the
same time:  observing, that there is no doubt they are very much
attached to each other, and that they never quarrel except about
trifles.  But neither the friends of the contradictory couple, nor
the contradictory couple themselves, reflect, that as the most
stupendous objects in nature are but vast collections of minute
particles, so the slightest and least considered trifles make up
the sum of human happiness or misery.



THE COUPLE WHO DOTE UPON THEIR CHILDREN



The couple who dote upon their children have usually a great many
of them:  six or eight at least.  The children are either the
healthiest in all the world, or the most unfortunate in existence.
In either case, they are equally the theme of their doting parents,
and equally a source of mental anguish and irritation to their
doting parents' friends.

The couple who dote upon their children recognise no dates but
those connected with their births, accidents, illnesses, or
remarkable deeds.  They keep a mental almanack with a vast number
of Innocents'-days, all in red letters.  They recollect the last
coronation, because on that day little Tom fell down the kitchen
stairs; the anniversary of the Gunpowder Plot, because it was on
the fifth of November that Ned asked whether wooden legs were made
in heaven and cocked hats grew in gardens.  Mrs. Whiffler will
never cease to recollect the last day of the old year as long as
she lives, for it was on that day that the baby had the four red
spots on its nose which they took for measles:  nor Christmas-day,
for twenty-one days after Christmas-day the twins were born; nor
Good Friday, for it was on a Good Friday that she was frightened by
the donkey-cart when she was in the family way with Georgiana.  The
movable feasts have no motion for Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler, but remain
pinned down tight and fast to the shoulders of some small child,
from whom they can never be separated any more.  Time was made,
according to their creed, not for slaves but for girls and boys;
the restless sands in his glass are but little children at play.

As we have already intimated, the children of this couple can know
no medium.  They are either prodigies of good health or prodigies
of bad health; whatever they are, they must be prodigies.  Mr.
Whiffler must have to describe at his office such excruciating
agonies constantly undergone by his eldest boy, as nobody else's
eldest boy ever underwent; or he must be able to declare that there
never was a child endowed with such amazing health, such an
indomitable constitution, and such a cast-iron frame, as his child.
His children must be, in some respect or other, above and beyond
the children of all other people.  To such an extent is this
feeling pushed, that we were once slightly acquainted with a lady
and gentleman who carried their heads so high and became so proud
after their youngest child fell out of a two-pair-of-stairs window
without hurting himself much, that the greater part of their
friends were obliged to forego their acquaintance.  But perhaps
this may be an extreme case, and one not justly entitled to be
considered as a precedent of general application.

If a friend happen to dine in a friendly way with one of these
couples who dote upon their children, it is nearly impossible for
him to divert the conversation from their favourite topic.
Everything reminds Mr. Whiffler of Ned, or Mrs. Whiffler of Mary
Anne, or of the time before Ned was born, or the time before Mary
Anne was thought of.  The slightest remark, however harmless in
itself, will awaken slumbering recollections of the twins.  It is
impossible to steer clear of them.  They will come uppermost, let
the poor man do what he may.  Ned has been known to be lost sight
of for half an hour, Dick has been forgotten, the name of Mary Anne
has not been mentioned, but the twins will out.  Nothing can keep
down the twins.

'It's a very extraordinary thing, Saunders,' says Mr. Whiffler to
the visitor, 'but - you have seen our little babies, the - the -
twins?'  The friend's heart sinks within him as he answers, 'Oh,
yes - often.'  'Your talking of the Pyramids,' says Mr. Whiffler,
quite as a matter of course, 'reminds me of the twins.  It's a very
extraordinary thing about those babies - what colour should you say
their eyes were?'  'Upon my word,' the friend stammers, 'I hardly
know how to answer' - the fact being, that except as the friend
does not remember to have heard of any departure from the ordinary
course of nature in the instance of these twins, they might have no
eyes at all for aught he has observed to the contrary.  'You
wouldn't say they were red, I suppose?' says Mr. Whiffler.  The
friend hesitates, and rather thinks they are; but inferring from
the expression of Mr. Whiffler's face that red is not the colour,
smiles with some confidence, and says, 'No, no! very different from
that.'  'What should you say to blue?' says Mr. Whiffler.  The
friend glances at him, and observing a different expression in his
face, ventures to say, 'I should say they WERE blue - a decided
blue.'  'To be sure!' cries Mr. Whiffler, triumphantly, 'I knew you
would!  But what should you say if I was to tell you that the boy's
eyes are blue and the girl's hazel, eh?'  'Impossible!' exclaims
the friend, not at all knowing why it should be impossible.  'A
fact, notwithstanding,' cries Mr. Whiffler; 'and let me tell you,
Saunders, THAT'S not a common thing in twins, or a circumstance
that'll happen every day.'

In this dialogue Mrs. Whiffler, as being deeply responsible for the
twins, their charms and singularities, has taken no share; but she
now relates, in broken English, a witticism of little Dick's
bearing upon the subject just discussed, which delights Mr.
Whiffler beyond measure, and causes him to declare that he would
have sworn that was Dick's if he had heard it anywhere.  Then he
requests that Mrs. Whiffler will tell Saunders what Tom said about
mad bulls; and Mrs. Whiffler relating the anecdote, a discussion
ensues upon the different character of Tom's wit and Dick's wit,
from which it appears that Dick's humour is of a lively turn, while
Tom's style is the dry and caustic.  This discussion being
enlivened by various illustrations, lasts a long time, and is only
stopped by Mrs. Whiffler instructing the footman to ring the
nursery bell, as the children were promised that they should come
down and taste the pudding.

The friend turns pale when this order is given, and paler still
when it is followed up by a great pattering on the staircase, (not
unlike the sound of rain upon a skylight,) a violent bursting open
of the dining-room door, and the tumultuous appearance of six small
children, closely succeeded by a strong nursery-maid with a twin in
each arm.  As the whole eight are screaming, shouting, or kicking -
some influenced by a ravenous appetite, some by a horror of the
stranger, and some by a conflict of the two feelings - a pretty
long space elapses before all their heads can be ranged round the
table and anything like order restored; in bringing about which
happy state of things both the nurse and footman are severely
scratched.  At length Mrs. Whiffler is heard to say, 'Mr. Saunders,
shall I give you some pudding?'  A breathless silence ensues, and
sixteen small eyes are fixed upon the guest in expectation of his
reply.  A wild shout of joy proclaims that he has said 'No, thank
you.'  Spoons are waved in the air, legs appear above the table-
cloth in uncontrollable ecstasy, and eighty short fingers dabble in
damson syrup.

While the pudding is being disposed of, Mr. and Mrs. Whiffler look
on with beaming countenances, and Mr. Whiffler nudging his friend
Saunders, begs him to take notice of Tom's eyes, or Dick's chin, or
Ned's nose, or Mary Anne's hair, or Emily's figure, or little Bob's
calves, or Fanny's mouth, or Carry's head, as the case may be.
Whatever the attention of Mr. Saunders is called to, Mr. Saunders
admires of course; though he is rather confused about the sex of
the youngest branches and looks at the wrong children, turning to a
girl when Mr. Whiffler directs his attention to a boy, and falling
into raptures with a boy when he ought to be enchanted with a girl.
Then the dessert comes, and there is a vast deal of scrambling
after fruit, and sudden spirting forth of juice out of tight
oranges into infant eyes, and much screeching and wailing in
consequence.  At length it becomes time for Mrs. Whiffler to
retire, and all the children are by force of arms compelled to kiss
and love Mr. Saunders before going up-stairs, except Tom, who,
lying on his back in the hall, proclaims that Mr. Saunders 'is a
naughty beast;' and Dick, who having drunk his father's wine when
he was looking another way, is found to be intoxicated and is
carried out, very limp and helpless.

Mr. Whiffler and his friend are left alone together, but Mr.
Whiffler's thoughts are still with his family, if his family are
not with him.  'Saunders,' says he, after a short silence, 'if you
please, we'll drink Mrs. Whiffler and the children.'  Mr. Saunders
feels this to be a reproach against himself for not proposing the
same sentiment, and drinks it in some confusion.  'Ah!' Mr.
Whiffler sighs, 'these children, Saunders, make one quite an old
man.'  Mr. Saunders thinks that if they were his, they would make
him a very old man; but he says nothing.  'And yet,' pursues Mr.
Whiffler, 'what can equal domestic happiness? what can equal the
engaging ways of children!  Saunders, why don't you get married?'
Now, this is an embarrassing question, because Mr. Saunders has
been thinking that if he had at any time entertained matrimonial
designs, the revelation of that day would surely have routed them
for ever.  'I am glad, however,' says Mr. Whiffler, 'that you ARE a
bachelor, - glad on one account, Saunders; a selfish one, I admit.
Will you do Mrs. Whiffler and myself a favour?'  Mr. Saunders is
surprised - evidently surprised; but he replies, 'with the greatest
pleasure.'  'Then, will you, Saunders,' says Mr. Whiffler, in an
impressive manner, 'will you cement and consolidate our friendship
by coming into the family (so to speak) as a godfather?'  'I shall
be proud and delighted,' replies Mr. Saunders:  'which of the
children is it? really, I thought they were all christened; or - '
'Saunders,' Mr. Whiffler interposes, 'they ARE all christened; you
are right.  The fact is, that Mrs. Whiffler is - in short, we
expect another.'  'Not a ninth!' cries the friend, all aghast at
the idea.  'Yes, Saunders,' rejoins Mr. Whiffler, solemnly, 'a
ninth.  Did we drink Mrs. Whiffler's health?  Let us drink it
again, Saunders, and wish her well over it!'

Doctor Johnson used to tell a story of a man who had but one idea,
which was a wrong one.  The couple who dote upon their children are
in the same predicament:  at home or abroad, at all times, and in
all places, their thoughts are bound up in this one subject, and
have no sphere beyond.  They relate the clever things their
offspring say or do, and weary every company with their prolixity
and absurdity.  Mr. Whiffler takes a friend by the button at a
street corner on a windy day to tell him a BON MOT of his youngest
boy's; and Mrs. Whiffler, calling to see a sick acquaintance,
entertains her with a cheerful account of all her own past
sufferings and present expectations.  In such cases the sins of the
fathers indeed descend upon the children; for people soon come to
regard them as predestined little bores.  The couple who dote upon
their children cannot be said to be actuated by a general love for
these engaging little people (which would be a great excuse); for
they are apt to underrate and entertain a jealousy of any children
but their own.  If they examined their own hearts, they would,
perhaps, find at the bottom of all this, more self-love and egotism
than they think of.  Self-love and egotism are bad qualities, of
which the unrestrained exhibition, though it may be sometimes
amusing, never fails to be wearisome and unpleasant.  Couples who
dote upon their children, therefore, are best avoided.



THE COOL COUPLE



There is an old-fashioned weather-glass representing a house with
two doorways, in one of which is the figure of a gentleman, in the
other the figure of a lady.  When the weather is to be fine the
lady comes out and the gentleman goes in; when wet, the gentleman
comes out and the lady goes in.  They never seek each other's
society, are never elevated and depressed by the same cause, and
have nothing in common.  They are the model of a cool couple,
except that there is something of politeness and consideration
about the behaviour of the gentleman in the weather-glass, in
which, neither of the cool couple can be said to participate.

The cool couple are seldom alone together, and when they are,
nothing can exceed their apathy and dulness:  the gentleman being
for the most part drowsy, and the lady silent.  If they enter into
conversation, it is usually of an ironical or recriminatory nature.
Thus, when the gentleman has indulged in a very long yawn and
settled himself more snugly in his easy-chair, the lady will
perhaps remark, 'Well, I am sure, Charles!  I hope you're
comfortable.'  To which the gentleman replies, 'Oh yes, he's quite
comfortable quite.'  'There are not many married men, I hope,'
returns the lady, 'who seek comfort in such selfish gratifications
as you do.'  'Nor many wives who seek comfort in such selfish
gratifications as YOU do, I hope,' retorts the gentleman.  'Whose
fault is that?' demands the lady.  The gentleman becoming more
sleepy, returns no answer.  'Whose fault is that?' the lady
repeats.  The gentleman still returning no answer, she goes on to
say that she believes there never was in all this world anybody so
attached to her home, so thoroughly domestic, so unwilling to seek
a moment's gratification or pleasure beyond her own fireside as
she.  God knows that before she was married she never thought or
dreamt of such a thing; and she remembers that her poor papa used
to say again and again, almost every day of his life, 'Oh, my dear
Louisa, if you only marry a man who understands you, and takes the
trouble to consider your happiness and accommodate himself a very
little to your disposition, what a treasure he will find in you!'
She supposes her papa knew what her disposition was - he had known
her long enough - he ought to have been acquainted with it, but
what can she do?  If her home is always dull and lonely, and her
husband is always absent and finds no pleasure in her society, she
is naturally sometimes driven (seldom enough, she is sure) to seek
a little recreation elsewhere; she is not expected to pine and mope
to death, she hopes.  'Then come, Louisa,' says the gentleman,
waking up as suddenly as he fell asleep, 'stop at home this
evening, and so will I.'  'I should be sorry to suppose, Charles,
that you took a pleasure in aggravating me,' replies the lady; 'but
you know as well as I do that I am particularly engaged to Mrs.
Mortimer, and that it would be an act of the grossest rudeness and
ill-breeding, after accepting a seat in her box and preventing her
from inviting anybody else, not to go.'  'Ah! there it is!' says
the gentleman, shrugging his shoulders, 'I knew that perfectly
well.  I knew you couldn't devote an evening to your own home.  Now
all I have to say, Louisa, is this - recollect that I was quite
willing to stay at home, and that it's no fault of MINE we are not
oftener together.'

With that the gentleman goes away to keep an old appointment at his
club, and the lady hurries off to dress for Mrs. Mortimer's; and
neither thinks of the other until by some odd chance they find
themselves alone again.

But it must not be supposed that the cool couple are habitually a
quarrelsome one.  Quite the contrary.  These differences are only
occasions for a little self-excuse, - nothing more.  In general
they are as easy and careless, and dispute as seldom, as any common
acquaintances may; for it is neither worth their while to put each
other out of the way, nor to ruffle themselves.

When they meet in society, the cool couple are the best-bred people
in existence.  The lady is seated in a corner among a little knot
of lady friends, one of whom exclaims, 'Why, I vow and declare
there is your husband, my dear!'  'Whose? - mine?' she says,
carelessly.  'Ay, yours, and coming this way too.'  'How very odd!'
says the lady, in a languid tone, 'I thought he had been at Dover.'
The gentleman coming up, and speaking to all the other ladies and
nodding slightly to his wife, it turns out that he has been at
Dover, and has just now returned.  'What a strange creature you
are!' cries his wife; 'and what on earth brought you here, I
wonder?'  'I came to look after you, OF COURSE,' rejoins her
husband.  This is so pleasant a jest that the lady is mightily
amused, as are all the other ladies similarly situated who are
within hearing; and while they are enjoying it to the full, the
gentleman nods again, turns upon his heel, and saunters away.

There are times, however, when his company is not so agreeable,
though equally unexpected; such as when the lady has invited one or
two particular friends to tea and scandal, and he happens to come
home in the very midst of their diversion.  It is a hundred chances
to one that he remains in the house half an hour, but the lady is
rather disturbed by the intrusion, notwithstanding, and reasons
within herself, - 'I am sure I never interfere with him, and why
should he interfere with me?  It can scarcely be accidental; it
never happens that I have a particular reason for not wishing him
to come home, but he always comes.  It's very provoking and
tiresome; and I am sure when he leaves me so much alone for his own
pleasure, the least he could do would be to do as much for mine.'
Observing what passes in her mind, the gentleman, who has come home
for his own accommodation, makes a merit of it with himself;
arrives at the conclusion that it is the very last place in which
he can hope to be comfortable; and determines, as he takes up his
hat and cane, never to be so virtuous again.

Thus a great many cool couples go on until they are cold couples,
and the grave has closed over their folly and indifference.  Loss
of name, station, character, life itself, has ensued from causes as
slight as these, before now; and when gossips tell such tales, and
aggravate their deformities, they elevate their hands and eyebrows,
and call each other to witness what a cool couple Mr. and Mrs. So-
and-so always were, even in the best of times.



THE PLAUSIBLE COUPLE



The plausible couple have many titles.  They are 'a delightful
couple,' an 'affectionate couple,' 'a most agreeable couple, 'a
good-hearted couple,' and 'the best-natured couple in existence.'
The truth is, that the plausible couple are people of the world;
and either the way of pleasing the world has grown much easier than
it was in the days of the old man and his ass, or the old man was
but a bad hand at it, and knew very little of the trade.

'But is it really possible to please the world!' says some doubting
reader.  It is indeed.  Nay, it is not only very possible, but very
easy.  The ways are crooked, and sometimes foul and low.  What
then?  A man need but crawl upon his hands and knees, know when to
close his eyes and when his ears, when to stoop and when to stand
upright; and if by the world is meant that atom of it in which he
moves himself, he shall please it, never fear.

Now, it will be readily seen, that if a plausible man or woman have
an easy means of pleasing the world by an adaptation of self to all
its twistings and twinings, a plausible man AND woman, or, in other
words, a plausible couple, playing into each other's hands, and
acting in concert, have a manifest advantage.  Hence it is that
plausible couples scarcely ever fail of success on a pretty large
scale; and hence it is that if the reader, laying down this
unwieldy volume at the next full stop, will have the goodness to
review his or her circle of acquaintance, and to search
particularly for some man and wife with a large connexion and a
good name, not easily referable to their abilities or their wealth,
he or she (that is, the male or female reader) will certainly find
that gentleman or lady, on a very short reflection, to be a
plausible couple.

The plausible couple are the most ecstatic people living:  the most
sensitive people - to merit - on the face of the earth.  Nothing
clever or virtuous escapes them.  They have microscopic eyes for
such endowments, and can find them anywhere.  The plausible couple
never fawn - oh no!  They don't even scruple to tell their friends
of their faults.  One is too generous, another too candid; a third
has a tendency to think all people like himself, and to regard
mankind as a company of angels; a fourth is kind-hearted to a
fault.  'We never flatter, my dear Mrs. Jackson,' say the plausible
couple; 'we speak our minds.  Neither you nor Mr. Jackson have
faults enough.  It may sound strangely, but it is true.  You have
not faults enough.  You know our way, - we must speak out, and
always do.  Quarrel with us for saying so, if you will; but we
repeat it, - you have not faults enough!'

The plausible couple are no less plausible to each other than to
third parties.  They are always loving and harmonious.  The
plausible gentleman calls his wife 'darling,' and the plausible
lady addresses him as 'dearest.'  If it be Mr. and Mrs. Bobtail
Widger, Mrs. Widger is 'Lavinia, darling,' and Mr. Widger is
'Bobtail, dearest.'  Speaking of each other, they observe the same
tender form.  Mrs. Widger relates what 'Bobtail' said, and Mr.
Widger recounts what 'darling' thought and did.

If you sit next to the plausible lady at a dinner-table, she takes
the earliest opportunity of expressing her belief that you are
acquainted with the Clickits; she is sure she has heard the
Clickits speak of you - she must not tell you in what terms, or you
will take her for a flatterer.  You admit a knowledge of the
Clickits; the plausible lady immediately launches out in their
praise.  She quite loves the Clickits.  Were there ever such true-
hearted, hospitable, excellent people - such a gentle, interesting
little woman as Mrs. Clickit, or such a frank, unaffected creature
as Mr. Clickit? were there ever two people, in short, so little
spoiled by the world as they are?  'As who, darling?' cries Mr.
Widger, from the opposite side of the table.  'The Clickits,
dearest,' replies Mrs. Widger.  'Indeed you are right, darling,'
Mr. Widger rejoins; 'the Clickits are a very high-minded, worthy,
estimable couple.'  Mrs. Widger remarking that Bobtail always grows
quite eloquent upon this subject, Mr. Widger admits that he feels
very strongly whenever such people as the Clickits and some other
friends of his (here he glances at the host and hostess) are
mentioned; for they are an honour to human nature, and do one good
to think of.  'YOU know the Clickits, Mrs. Jackson?' he says,
addressing the lady of the house.  'No, indeed; we have not that
pleasure,' she replies.  'You astonish me!' exclaims Mr. Widger:
'not know the Clickits! why, you are the very people of all others
who ought to be their bosom friends.  You are kindred beings; you
are one and the same thing:- not know the Clickits!  Now WILL you
know the Clickits?  Will you make a point of knowing them?  Will
you meet them in a friendly way at our house one evening, and be
acquainted with them?'  Mrs. Jackson will be quite delighted;
nothing would give her more pleasure.  'Then, Lavinia, my darling,'
says Mr. Widger, 'mind you don't lose sight of that; now, pray take
care that Mr. and Mrs. Jackson know the Clickits without loss of
time.  Such people ought not to be strangers to each other.'  Mrs.
Widger books both families as the centre of attraction for her next
party; and Mr. Widger, going on to expatiate upon the virtues of
the Clickits, adds to their other moral qualities, that they keep
one of the neatest phaetons in town, and have two thousand a year.

As the plausible couple never laud the merits of any absent person,
without dexterously contriving that their praises shall reflect
upon somebody who is present, so they never depreciate anything or
anybody, without turning their depreciation to the same account.
Their friend, Mr. Slummery, say they, is unquestionably a clever
painter, and would no doubt be very popular, and sell his pictures
at a very high price, if that cruel Mr. Fithers had not forestalled
him in his department of art, and made it thoroughly and completely
his own; - Fithers, it is to be observed, being present and within
hearing, and Slummery elsewhere.  Is Mrs. Tabblewick really as
beautiful as people say?  Why, there indeed you ask them a very
puzzling question, because there is no doubt that she is a very
charming woman, and they have long known her intimately.  She is no
doubt beautiful, very beautiful; they once thought her the most
beautiful woman ever seen; still if you press them for an honest
answer, they are bound to say that this was before they had ever
seen our lovely friend on the sofa, (the sofa is hard by, and our
lovely friend can't help hearing the whispers in which this is
said;) since that time, perhaps, they have been hardly fair judges;
Mrs. Tabblewick is no doubt extremely handsome, - very like our
friend, in fact, in the form of the features, - but in point of
expression, and soul, and figure, and air altogether - oh dear!

But while the plausible couple depreciate, they are still careful
to preserve their character for amiability and kind feeling; indeed
the depreciation itself is often made to grow out of their
excessive sympathy and good will.  The plausible lady calls on a
lady who dotes upon her children, and is sitting with a little girl
upon her knee, enraptured by her artless replies, and protesting
that there is nothing she delights in so much as conversing with
these fairies; when the other lady inquires if she has seen young
Mrs. Finching lately, and whether the baby has turned out a finer
one than it promised to be.  'Oh dear!' cries the plausible lady,
'you cannot think how often Bobtail and I have talked about poor
Mrs. Finching - she is such a dear soul, and was so anxious that
the baby should be a fine child - and very naturally, because she
was very much here at one time, and there is, you know, a natural
emulation among mothers - that it is impossible to tell you how
much we have felt for her.'  'Is it weak or plain, or what?'
inquires the other.  'Weak or plain, my love,' returns the
plausible lady, 'it's a fright - a perfect little fright; you never
saw such a miserable creature in all your days.  Positively you
must not let her see one of these beautiful dears again, or you'll
break her heart, you will indeed. - Heaven bless this child, see
how she is looking in my face! can you conceive anything prettier
than that?  If poor Mrs. Finching could only hope - but that's
impossible - and the gifts of Providence, you know - What DID I do
with my pocket-handkerchief!'

What prompts the mother, who dotes upon her children, to comment to
her lord that evening on the plausible lady's engaging qualities
and feeling heart, and what is it that procures Mr. and Mrs.
Bobtail Widger an immediate invitation to dinner?



THE NICE LITTLE COUPLE



A custom once prevailed in old-fashioned circles, that when a lady
or gentleman was unable to sing a song, he or she should enliven
the company with a story.  As we find ourself in the predicament of
not being able to describe (to our own satisfaction) nice little
couples in the abstract, we purpose telling in this place a little
story about a nice little couple of our acquaintance.

Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup are the nice little couple in question.  Mr.
Chirrup has the smartness, and something of the brisk, quick manner
of a small bird.  Mrs. Chirrup is the prettiest of all little
women, and has the prettiest little figure conceivable.  She has
the neatest little foot, and the softest little voice, and the
pleasantest little smile, and the tidiest little curls, and the
brightest little eyes, and the quietest little manner, and is, in
short, altogether one of the most engaging of all little women,
dead or alive.  She is a condensation of all the domestic virtues,
- a pocket edition of the young man's best companion, - a little
woman at a very high pressure, with an amazing quantity of goodness
and usefulness in an exceedingly small space.  Little as she is,
Mrs. Chirrup might furnish forth matter for the moral equipment of
a score of housewives, six feet high in their stockings - if, in
the presence of ladies, we may be allowed the expression - and of
corresponding robustness.

Nobody knows all this better than Mr. Chirrup, though he rather
takes on that he don't.  Accordingly he is very proud of his
better-half, and evidently considers himself, as all other people
consider him, rather fortunate in having her to wife.  We say
evidently, because Mr. Chirrup is a warm-hearted little fellow; and
if you catch his eye when he has been slyly glancing at Mrs.
Chirrup in company, there is a certain complacent twinkle in it,
accompanied, perhaps, by a half-expressed toss of the head, which
as clearly indicates what has been passing in his mind as if he had
put it into words, and shouted it out through a speaking-trumpet.
Moreover, Mr. Chirrup has a particularly mild and bird-like manner
of calling Mrs. Chirrup 'my dear;' and - for he is of a jocose turn
- of cutting little witticisms upon her, and making her the subject
of various harmless pleasantries, which nobody enjoys more
thoroughly than Mrs. Chirrup herself.  Mr. Chirrup, too, now and
then affects to deplore his bachelor-days, and to bemoan (with a
marvellously contented and smirking face) the loss of his freedom,
and the sorrow of his heart at having been taken captive by Mrs.
Chirrup - all of which circumstances combine to show the secret
triumph and satisfaction of Mr. Chirrup's soul.

We have already had occasion to observe that Mrs. Chirrup is an
incomparable housewife.  In all the arts of domestic arrangement
and management, in all the mysteries of confectionery-making,
pickling, and preserving, never was such a thorough adept as that
nice little body.  She is, besides, a cunning worker in muslin and
fine linen, and a special hand at marketing to the very best
advantage.  But if there be one branch of housekeeping in which she
excels to an utterly unparalleled and unprecedented extent, it is
in the important one of carving.  A roast goose is universally
allowed to be the great stumbling-block in the way of young
aspirants to perfection in this department of science; many
promising carvers, beginning with legs of mutton, and preserving a
good reputation through fillets of veal, sirloins of beef, quarters
of lamb, fowls, and even ducks, have sunk before a roast goose, and
lost caste and character for ever.  To Mrs. Chirrup the resolving a
goose into its smallest component parts is a pleasant pastime - a
practical joke - a thing to be done in a minute or so, without the
smallest interruption to the conversation of the time.  No handing
the dish over to an unfortunate man upon her right or left, no wild
sharpening of the knife, no hacking and sawing at an unruly joint,
no noise, no splash, no heat, no leaving off in despair; all is
confidence and cheerfulness.  The dish is set upon the table, the
cover is removed; for an instant, and only an instant, you observe
that Mrs. Chirrup's attention is distracted; she smiles, but
heareth not.  You proceed with your story; meanwhile the glittering
knife is slowly upraised, both Mrs. Chirrup's wrists are slightly
but not ungracefully agitated, she compresses her lips for an
instant, then breaks into a smile, and all is over.  The legs of
the bird slide gently down into a pool of gravy, the wings seem to
melt from the body, the breast separates into a row of juicy
slices, the smaller and more complicated parts of his anatomy are
perfectly developed, a cavern of stuffing is revealed, and the
goose is gone!

To dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup is one of the pleasantest things
in the world.  Mr. Chirrup has a bachelor friend, who lived with
him in his own days of single blessedness, and to whom he is
mightily attached.  Contrary to the usual custom, this bachelor
friend is no less a friend of Mrs. Chirrup's, and, consequently,
whenever you dine with Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup, you meet the bachelor
friend.  It would put any reasonably-conditioned mortal into good-
humour to observe the entire unanimity which subsists between these
three; but there is a quiet welcome dimpling in Mrs. Chirrup's
face, a bustling hospitality oozing as it were out of the
waistcoat-pockets of Mr. Chirrup, and a patronising enjoyment of
their cordiality and satisfaction on the part of the bachelor
friend, which is quite delightful.  On these occasions Mr. Chirrup
usually takes an opportunity of rallying the friend on being
single, and the friend retorts on Mr. Chirrup for being married, at
which moments some single young ladies present are like to die of
laughter; and we have more than once observed them bestow looks
upon the friend, which convinces us that his position is by no
means a safe one, as, indeed, we hold no bachelor's to be who
visits married friends and cracks jokes on wedlock, for certain it
is that such men walk among traps and nets and pitfalls
innumerable, and often find themselves down upon their knees at the
altar rails, taking M. or N. for their wedded wives, before they
know anything about the matter.

However, this is no business of Mr. Chirrup's, who talks, and
laughs, and drinks his wine, and laughs again, and talks more,
until it is time to repair to the drawing-room, where, coffee
served and over, Mrs. Chirrup prepares for a round game, by sorting
the nicest possible little fish into the nicest possible little
pools, and calling Mr. Chirrup to assist her, which Mr. Chirrup
does.  As they stand side by side, you find that Mr. Chirrup is the
least possible shadow of a shade taller than Mrs. Chirrup, and that
they are the neatest and best-matched little couple that can be,
which the chances are ten to one against your observing with such
effect at any other time, unless you see them in the street arm-in-
arm, or meet them some rainy day trotting along under a very small
umbrella.  The round game (at which Mr. Chirrup is the merriest of
the party) being done and over, in course of time a nice little
tray appears, on which is a nice little supper; and when that is
finished likewise, and you have said 'Good night,' you find
yourself repeating a dozen times, as you ride home, that there
never was such a nice little couple as Mr. and Mrs. Chirrup.

Whether it is that pleasant qualities, being packed more closely in
small bodies than in large, come more readily to hand than when
they are diffused over a wider space, and have to be gathered
together for use, we don't know, but as a general rule, -
strengthened like all other rules by its exceptions, - we hold that
little people are sprightly and good-natured.  The more sprightly
and good-natured people we have, the better; therefore, let us wish
well to all nice little couples, and hope that they may increase
and multiply.



THE EGOTISTICAL COUPLE



Egotism in couples is of two kinds. - It is our purpose to show
this by two examples.

The egotistical couple may be young, old, middle-aged, well to do,
or ill to do; they may have a small family, a large family, or no
family at all.  There is no outward sign by which an egotistical
couple may be known and avoided.  They come upon you unawares;
there is no guarding against them.  No man can of himself be
forewarned or forearmed against an egotistical couple.

The egotistical couple have undergone every calamity, and
experienced every pleasurable and painful sensation of which our
nature is susceptible.  You cannot by possibility tell the
egotistical couple anything they don't know, or describe to them
anything they have not felt.  They have been everything but dead.
Sometimes we are tempted to wish they had been even that, but only
in our uncharitable moments, which are few and far between.

We happened the other day, in the course of a morning call, to
encounter an egotistical couple, nor were we suffered to remain
long in ignorance of the fact, for our very first inquiry of the
lady of the house brought them into active and vigorous operation.
The inquiry was of course touching the lady's health, and the
answer happened to be, that she had not been very well.  'Oh, my
dear!' said the egotistical lady, 'don't talk of not being well.
We have been in SUCH a state since we saw you last!' - The lady of
the house happening to remark that her lord had not been well
either, the egotistical gentleman struck in:  'Never let Briggs
complain of not being well - never let Briggs complain, my dear
Mrs. Briggs, after what I have undergone within these six weeks.
He doesn't know what it is to be ill, he hasn't the least idea of
it; not the faintest conception.' - 'My dear,' interposed his wife
smiling, 'you talk as if it were almost a crime in Mr. Briggs not
to have been as ill as we have been, instead of feeling thankful to
Providence that both he and our dear Mrs. Briggs are in such
blissful ignorance of real suffering.' - 'My love,' returned the
egotistical gentleman, in a low and pious voice, 'you mistake me; -
I feel grateful - very grateful.  I trust our friends may never
purchase their experience as dearly as we have bought ours; I hope
they never may!'

Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon this theme, and settled the
question thus, the egotistical gentleman turned to us, and, after a
few preliminary remarks, all tending towards and leading up to the
point he had in his mind, inquired if we happened to be acquainted
with the Dowager Lady Snorflerer.  On our replying in the negative,
he presumed we had often met Lord Slang, or beyond all doubt, that
we were on intimate terms with Sir Chipkins Glogwog.  Finding that
we were equally unable to lay claim to either of these
distinctions, he expressed great astonishment, and turning to his
wife with a retrospective smile, inquired who it was that had told
that capital story about the mashed potatoes.  'Who, my dear?'
returned the egotistical lady, 'why Sir Chipkins, of course; how
can you ask!  Don't you remember his applying it to our cook, and
saying that you and I were so like the Prince and Princess, that he
could almost have sworn we were they?'  'To be sure, I remember
that,' said the egotistical gentleman, 'but are you quite certain
that didn't apply to the other anecdote about the Emperor of
Austria and the pump?'  'Upon my word then, I think it did,'
replied his wife.  'To be sure it did,' said the egotistical
gentleman, 'it was Slang's story, I remember now, perfectly.'
However, it turned out, a few seconds afterwards, that the
egotistical gentleman's memory was rather treacherous, as he began
to have a misgiving that the story had been told by the Dowager
Lady Snorflerer the very last time they dined there; but there
appearing, on further consideration, strong circumstantial evidence
tending to show that this couldn't be, inasmuch as the Dowager Lady
Snorflerer had been, on the occasion in question, wholly engrossed
by the egotistical lady, the egotistical gentleman recanted this
opinion; and after laying the story at the doors of a great many
great people, happily left it at last with the Duke of Scuttlewig:-
observing that it was not extraordinary he had forgotten his Grace
hitherto, as it often happened that the names of those with whom we
were upon the most familiar footing were the very last to present
themselves to our thoughts.

It not only appeared that the egotistical couple knew everybody,
but that scarcely any event of importance or notoriety had occurred
for many years with which they had not been in some way or other
connected.  Thus we learned that when the well-known attempt upon
the life of George the Third was made by Hatfield in Drury Lane
theatre, the egotistical gentleman's grandfather sat upon his right
hand and was the first man who collared him; and that the
egotistical lady's aunt, sitting within a few boxes of the royal
party, was the only person in the audience who heard his Majesty
exclaim, 'Charlotte, Charlotte, don't be frightened, don't be
frightened; they're letting off squibs, they're letting off
squibs.'  When the fire broke out, which ended in the destruction
of the two Houses of Parliament, the egotistical couple, being at
the time at a drawing-room window on Blackheath, then and there
simultaneously exclaimed, to the astonishment of a whole party -
'It's the House of Lords!'  Nor was this a solitary instance of
their peculiar discernment, for chancing to be (as by a comparison
of dates and circumstances they afterwards found) in the same
omnibus with Mr. Greenacre, when he carried his victim's head about
town in a blue bag, they both remarked a singular twitching in the
muscles of his countenance; and walking down Fish Street Hill, a
few weeks since, the egotistical gentleman said to his lady -
slightly casting up his eyes to the top of the Monument - 'There's
a boy up there, my dear, reading a Bible.  It's very strange.  I
don't like it. - In five seconds afterwards, Sir,' says the
egotistical gentleman, bringing his hands together with one violent
clap - 'the lad was over!'

Diversifying these topics by the introduction of many others of the
same kind, and entertaining us between whiles with a minute account
of what weather and diet agreed with them, and what weather and
diet disagreed with them, and at what time they usually got up, and
at what time went to bed, with many other particulars of their
domestic economy too numerous to mention; the egotistical couple at
length took their leave, and afforded us an opportunity of doing
the same.

Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone are an egotistical couple of another
class, for all the lady's egotism is about her husband, and all the
gentleman's about his wife.  For example:- Mr. Sliverstone is a
clerical gentleman, and occasionally writes sermons, as clerical
gentlemen do.  If you happen to obtain admission at the street-door
while he is so engaged, Mrs. Sliverstone appears on tip-toe, and
speaking in a solemn whisper, as if there were at least three or
four particular friends up-stairs, all upon the point of death,
implores you to be very silent, for Mr. Sliverstone is composing,
and she need not say how very important it is that he should not be
disturbed.  Unwilling to interrupt anything so serious, you hasten
to withdraw, with many apologies; but this Mrs. Sliverstone will by
no means allow, observing, that she knows you would like to see
him, as it is very natural you should, and that she is determined
to make a trial for you, as you are a great favourite.  So you are
led up-stairs - still on tip-toe - to the door of a little back
room, in which, as the lady informs you in a whisper, Mr.
Sliverstone always writes.  No answer being returned to a couple of
soft taps, the lady opens the door, and there, sure enough, is Mr.
Sliverstone, with dishevelled hair, powdering away with pen, ink,
and paper, at a rate which, if he has any power of sustaining it,
would settle the longest sermon in no time.  At first he is too
much absorbed to be roused by this intrusion; but presently looking
up, says faintly, 'Ah!' and pointing to his desk with a weary and
languid smile, extends his hand, and hopes you'll forgive him.
Then Mrs. Sliverstone sits down beside him, and taking his hand in
hers, tells you how that Mr. Sliverstone has been shut up there
ever since nine o'clock in the morning, (it is by this time twelve
at noon,) and how she knows it cannot be good for his health, and
is very uneasy about it.  Unto this Mr. Sliverstone replies firmly,
that 'It must be done;' which agonizes Mrs. Sliverstone still more,
and she goes on to tell you that such were Mr. Sliverstone's
labours last week - what with the buryings, marryings, churchings,
christenings, and all together, - that when he was going up the
pulpit stairs on Sunday evening, he was obliged to hold on by the
rails, or he would certainly have fallen over into his own pew.
Mr. Sliverstone, who has been listening and smiling meekly, says,
'Not quite so bad as that, not quite so bad!' he admits though, on
cross-examination, that he WAS very near falling upon the verger
who was following him up to bolt the door; but adds, that it was
his duty as a Christian to fall upon him, if need were, and that
he, Mr. Sliverstone, and (possibly the verger too) ought to glory
in it.

This sentiment communicates new impulse to Mrs. Sliverstone, who
launches into new praises of Mr. Sliverstone's worth and
excellence, to which he listens in the same meek silence, save when
he puts in a word of self-denial relative to some question of fact,
as - 'Not seventy-two christenings that week, my dear.  Only
seventy-one, only seventy-one.'  At length his lady has quite
concluded, and then he says, Why should he repine, why should he
give way, why should he suffer his heart to sink within him?  Is it
he alone who toils and suffers?  What has she gone through, he
should like to know?  What does she go through every day for him
and for society?

With such an exordium Mr. Sliverstone launches out into glowing
praises of the conduct of Mrs. Sliverstone in the production of
eight young children, and the subsequent rearing and fostering of
the same; and thus the husband magnifies the wife, and the wife the
husband.

This would be well enough if Mr. and Mrs. Sliverstone kept it to
themselves, or even to themselves and a friend or two; but they do
not.  The more hearers they have, the more egotistical the couple
become, and the more anxious they are to make believers in their
merits.  Perhaps this is the worst kind of egotism.  It has not
even the poor excuse of being spontaneous, but is the result of a
deliberate system and malice aforethought.  Mere empty-headed
conceit excites our pity, but ostentatious hypocrisy awakens our
disgust.



THE COUPLE WHO CODDLE THEMSELVES



Mrs. Merrywinkle's maiden name was Chopper.  She was the only child
of Mr. and Mrs. Chopper.  Her father died when she was, as the
play-books express it, 'yet an infant;' and so old Mrs. Chopper,
when her daughter married, made the house of her son-in-law her
home from that time henceforth, and set up her staff of rest with
Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle.

Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle are a couple who coddle themselves; and
the venerable Mrs. Chopper is an aider and abettor in the same.

Mr. Merrywinkle is a rather lean and long-necked gentleman, middle-
aged and middle-sized, and usually troubled with a cold in the
head.  Mrs. Merrywinkle is a delicate-looking lady, with very light
hair, and is exceedingly subject to the same unpleasant disorder.
The venerable Mrs. Chopper - who is strictly entitled to the
appellation, her daughter not being very young, otherwise than by
courtesy, at the time of her marriage, which was some years ago -
is a mysterious old lady who lurks behind a pair of spectacles, and
is afflicted with a chronic disease, respecting which she has taken
a vast deal of medical advice, and referred to a vast number of
medical books, without meeting any definition of symptoms that at
all suits her, or enables her to say, 'That's my complaint.'
Indeed, the absence of authentic information upon the subject of
this complaint would seem to be Mrs. Chopper's greatest ill, as in
all other respects she is an uncommonly hale and hearty
gentlewoman.

Both Mr. and Mrs. Chopper wear an extraordinary quantity of
flannel, and have a habit of putting their feet in hot water to an
unnatural extent.  They likewise indulge in chamomile tea and such-
like compounds, and rub themselves on the slightest provocation
with camphorated spirits and other lotions applicable to mumps,
sore-throat, rheumatism, or lumbago.

Mr. Merrywinkle's leaving home to go to business on a damp or wet
morning is a very elaborate affair.  He puts on wash-leather socks
over his stockings, and India-rubber shoes above his boots, and
wears under his waistcoat a cuirass of hare-skin.  Besides these
precautions, he winds a thick shawl round his throat, and blocks up
his mouth with a large silk handkerchief.  Thus accoutred, and
furnished besides with a great-coat and umbrella, he braves the
dangers of the streets; travelling in severe weather at a gentle
trot, the better to preserve the circulation, and bringing his
mouth to the surface to take breath, but very seldom, and with the
utmost caution.  His office-door opened, he shoots past his clerk
at the same pace, and diving into his own private room, closes the
door, examines the window-fastenings, and gradually unrobes
himself:  hanging his pocket-handkerchief on the fender to air, and
determining to write to the newspapers about the fog, which, he
says, 'has really got to that pitch that it is quite unbearable.'

In this last opinion Mrs. Merrywinkle and her respected mother
fully concur; for though not present, their thoughts and tongues
are occupied with the same subject, which is their constant theme
all day.  If anybody happens to call, Mrs. Merrywinkle opines that
they must assuredly be mad, and her first salutation is, 'Why, what
in the name of goodness can bring you out in such weather?  You
know you MUST catch your death.'  This assurance is corroborated by
Mrs. Chopper, who adds, in further confirmation, a dismal legend
concerning an individual of her acquaintance who, making a call
under precisely parallel circumstances, and being then in the best
health and spirits, expired in forty-eight hours afterwards, of a
complication of inflammatory disorders.  The visitor, rendered not
altogether comfortable perhaps by this and other precedents,
inquires very affectionately after Mr. Merrywinkle, but by so doing
brings about no change of the subject; for Mr. Merrywinkle's name
is inseparably connected with his complaints, and his complaints
are inseparably connected with Mrs. Merrywinkle's; and when these
are done with, Mrs. Chopper, who has been biding her time, cuts in
with the chronic disorder - a subject upon which the amiable old
lady never leaves off speaking until she is left alone, and very
often not then.

But Mr. Merrywinkle comes home to dinner.  He is received by Mrs.
Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper, who, on his remarking that he thinks
his feet are damp, turn pale as ashes and drag him up-stairs,
imploring him to have them rubbed directly with a dry coarse towel.
Rubbed they are, one by Mrs. Merrywinkle and one by Mrs. Chopper,
until the friction causes Mr. Merrywinkle to make horrible faces,
and look as if he had been smelling very powerful onions; when they
desist, and the patient, provided for his better security with
thick worsted stockings and list slippers, is borne down-stairs to
dinner.  Now, the dinner is always a good one, the appetites of the
diners being delicate, and requiring a little of what Mrs.
Merrywinkle calls 'tittivation;' the secret of which is understood
to lie in good cookery and tasteful spices, and which process is so
successfully performed in the present instance, that both Mr. and
Mrs. Merrywinkle eat a remarkably good dinner, and even the
afflicted Mrs. Chopper wields her knife and fork with much of the
spirit and elasticity of youth.  But Mr. Merrywinkle, in his desire
to gratify his appetite, is not unmindful of his health, for he has
a bottle of carbonate of soda with which to qualify his porter, and
a little pair of scales in which to weigh it out.  Neither in his
anxiety to take care of his body is he unmindful of the welfare of
his immortal part, as he always prays that for what he is going to
receive he may be made truly thankful; and in order that he may be
as thankful as possible, eats and drinks to the utmost.

Either from eating and drinking so much, or from being the victim
of this constitutional infirmity, among others, Mr. Merrywinkle,
after two or three glasses of wine, falls fast asleep; and he has
scarcely closed his eyes, when Mrs. Merrywinkle and Mrs. Chopper
fall asleep likewise.  It is on awakening at tea-time that their
most alarming symptoms prevail; for then Mr. Merrywinkle feels as
if his temples were tightly bound round with the chain of the
street-door, and Mrs. Merrywinkle as if she had made a hearty
dinner of half-hundredweights, and Mrs. Chopper as if cold water
were running down her back, and oyster-knives with sharp points
were plunging of their own accord into her ribs.  Symptoms like
these are enough to make people peevish, and no wonder that they
remain so until supper-time, doing little more than doze and
complain, unless Mr. Merrywinkle calls out very loudly to a servant
'to keep that draught out,' or rushes into the passage to flourish
his fist in the countenance of the twopenny-postman, for daring to
give such a knock as he had just performed at the door of a private
gentleman with nerves.

Supper, coming after dinner, should consist of some gentle
provocative; and therefore the tittivating art is again in
requisition, and again - done honour to by Mr. and Mrs.
Merrywinkle, still comforted and abetted by Mrs. Chopper.  After
supper, it is ten to one but the last-named old lady becomes worse,
and is led off to bed with the chronic complaint in full vigour.
Mr. and Mrs. Merrywinkle, having administered to her a warm
cordial, which is something of the strongest, then repair to their
own room, where Mr. Merrywinkle, with his legs and feet in hot
water, superintends the mulling of some wine which he is to drink
at the very moment he plunges into bed, while Mrs. Merrywinkle, in
garments whose nature is unknown to and unimagined by all but
married men, takes four small pills with a spasmodic look between
each, and finally comes to something hot and fragrant out of
another little saucepan, which serves as her composing-draught for
the night.

There is another kind of couple who coddle themselves, and who do
so at a cheaper rate and on more spare diet, because they are
niggardly and parsimonious; for which reason they are kind enough
to coddle their visitors too.  It is unnecessary to describe them,
for our readers may rest assured of the accuracy of these general
principles:- that all couples who coddle themselves are selfish and
slothful, - that they charge upon every wind that blows, every rain
that falls, and every vapour that hangs in the air, the evils which
arise from their own imprudence or the gloom which is engendered in
their own tempers, - and that all men and women, in couples or
otherwise, who fall into exclusive habits of self-indulgence, and
forget their natural sympathy and close connexion with everybody
and everything in the world around them, not only neglect the first
duty of life, but, by a happy retributive justice, deprive
themselves of its truest and best enjoyment.



THE OLD COUPLE



They are grandfather and grandmother to a dozen grown people and
have great-grandchildren besides; their bodies are bent, their hair
is grey, their step tottering and infirm.  Is this the lightsome
pair whose wedding was so merry, and have the young couple indeed
grown old so soon!

It seems but yesterday - and yet what a host of cares and griefs
are crowded into the intervening time which, reckoned by them,
lengthens out into a century!  How many new associations have
wreathed themselves about their hearts since then!  The old time is
gone, and a new time has come for others - not for them.  They are
but the rusting link that feebly joins the two, and is silently
loosening its hold and dropping asunder.

It seems but yesterday - and yet three of their children have sunk
into the grave, and the tree that shades it has grown quite old.
One was an infant - they wept for him; the next a girl, a slight
young thing too delicate for earth - her loss was hard indeed to
bear.  The third, a man.  That was the worst of all, but even that
grief is softened now.

It seems but yesterday - and yet how the gay and laughing faces of
that bright morning have changed and vanished from above ground!
Faint likenesses of some remain about them yet, but they are very
faint and scarcely to be traced.  The rest are only seen in dreams,
and even they are unlike what they were, in eyes so old and dim.

One or two dresses from the bridal wardrobe are yet preserved.
They are of a quaint and antique fashion, and seldom seen except in
pictures.  White has turned yellow, and brighter hues have faded.
Do you wonder, child?  The wrinkled face was once as smooth as
yours, the eyes as bright, the shrivelled skin as fair and
delicate.  It is the work of hands that have been dust these many
years.

Where are the fairy lovers of that happy day whose annual return
comes upon the old man and his wife, like the echo of some village
bell which has long been silent?  Let yonder peevish bachelor,
racked by rheumatic pains, and quarrelling with the world, let him
answer to the question.  He recollects something of a favourite
playmate; her name was Lucy - so they tell him.  He is not sure
whether she was married, or went abroad, or died.  It is a long
while ago, and he don't remember.

Is nothing as it used to be; does no one feel, or think, or act, as
in days of yore?  Yes.  There is an aged woman who once lived
servant with the old lady's father, and is sheltered in an alms-
house not far off.  She is still attached to the family, and loves
them all; she nursed the children in her lap, and tended in their
sickness those who are no more.  Her old mistress has still
something of youth in her eyes; the young ladies are like what she
was but not quite so handsome, nor are the gentlemen as stately as
Mr. Harvey used to be.  She has seen a great deal of trouble; her
husband and her son died long ago; but she has got over that, and
is happy now - quite happy.

If ever her attachment to her old protectors were disturbed by
fresher cares and hopes, it has long since resumed its former
current.  It has filled the void in the poor creature's heart, and
replaced the love of kindred.  Death has not left her alone, and
this, with a roof above her head, and a warm hearth to sit by,
makes her cheerful and contented.  Does she remember the marriage
of great-grandmamma?  Ay, that she does, as well - as if it was
only yesterday.  You wouldn't think it to look at her now, and
perhaps she ought not to say so of herself, but she was as smart a
young girl then as you'd wish to see.  She recollects she took a
friend of hers up-stairs to see Miss Emma dressed for church; her
name was - ah! she forgets the name, but she remembers that she was
a very pretty girl, and that she married not long afterwards, and
lived - it has quite passed out of her mind where she lived, but
she knows she had a bad husband who used her ill, and that she died
in Lambeth work-house.  Dear, dear, in Lambeth workhouse!

And the old couple - have they no comfort or enjoyment of
existence?  See them among their grandchildren and great-
grandchildren; how garrulous they are, how they compare one with
another, and insist on likenesses which no one else can see; how
gently the old lady lectures the girls on points of breeding and
decorum, and points the moral by anecdotes of herself in her young
days - how the old gentleman chuckles over boyish feats and roguish
tricks, and tells long stories of a 'barring-out' achieved at the
school he went to:  which was very wrong, he tells the boys, and
never to be imitated of course, but which he cannot help letting
them know was very pleasant too - especially when he kissed the
master's niece.  This last, however, is a point on which the old
lady is very tender, for she considers it a shocking and indelicate
thing to talk about, and always says so whenever it is mentioned,
never failing to observe that he ought to be very penitent for
having been so sinful.  So the old gentleman gets no further, and
what the schoolmaster's niece said afterwards (which he is always
going to tell) is lost to posterity.

The old gentleman is eighty years old, to-day - 'Eighty years old,
Crofts, and never had a headache,' he tells the barber who shaves
him (the barber being a young fellow, and very subject to that
complaint).  'That's a great age, Crofts,' says the old gentleman.
'I don't think it's sich a wery great age, Sir,' replied the
barber.  'Crofts,' rejoins the old gentleman, 'you're talking
nonsense to me.  Eighty not a great age?'  'It's a wery great age,
Sir, for a gentleman to be as healthy and active as you are,'
returns the barber; 'but my grandfather, Sir, he was ninety-four.'
'You don't mean that, Crofts?' says the old gentleman.  'I do
indeed, Sir,' retorts the barber, 'and as wiggerous as Julius
Caesar, my grandfather was.'  The old gentleman muses a little
time, and then says, 'What did he die of, Crofts?'  'He died
accidentally, Sir,' returns the barber; 'he didn't mean to do it.
He always would go a running about the streets - walking never
satisfied HIS spirit - and he run against a post and died of a hurt
in his chest.'  The old gentleman says no more until the shaving is
concluded, and then he gives Crofts half-a-crown to drink his
health.  He is a little doubtful of the barber's veracity
afterwards, and telling the anecdote to the old lady, affects to
make very light of it - though to be sure (he adds) there was old
Parr, and in some parts of England, ninety-five or so is a common
age, quite a common age.

This morning the old couple are cheerful but serious, recalling old
times as well as they can remember them, and dwelling upon many
passages in their past lives which the day brings to mind.  The old
lady reads aloud, in a tremulous voice, out of a great Bible, and
the old gentleman with his hand to his ear, listens with profound
respect.  When the book is closed, they sit silent for a short
space, and afterwards resume their conversation, with a reference
perhaps to their dead children, as a subject not unsuited to that
they have just left.  By degrees they are led to consider which of
those who survive are the most like those dearly-remembered
objects, and so they fall into a less solemn strain, and become
cheerful again.

How many people in all, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and one
or two intimate friends of the family, dine together to-day at the
eldest son's to congratulate the old couple, and wish them many
happy returns, is a calculation beyond our powers; but this we
know, that the old couple no sooner present themselves, very
sprucely and carefully attired, than there is a violent shouting
and rushing forward of the younger branches with all manner of
presents, such as pocket-books, pencil-cases, pen-wipers, watch-
papers, pin-cushions, sleeve-buckles, worked-slippers, watch-
guards, and even a nutmeg-grater:  the latter article being
presented by a very chubby and very little boy, who exhibits it in
great triumph as an extraordinary variety.  The old couple's
emotion at these tokens of remembrance occasions quite a pathetic
scene, of which the chief ingredients are a vast quantity of
kissing and hugging, and repeated wipings of small eyes and noses
with small square pocket-handkerchiefs, which don't come at all
easily out of small pockets.  Even the peevish bachelor is moved,
and he says, as he presents the old gentleman with a queer sort of
antique ring from his own finger, that he'll be de'ed if he doesn't
think he looks younger than he did ten years ago.

But the great time is after dinner, when the dessert and wine are
on the table, which is pushed back to make plenty of room, and they
are all gathered in a large circle round the fire, for it is then -
the glasses being filled, and everybody ready to drink the toast -
that two great-grandchildren rush out at a given signal, and
presently return, dragging in old Jane Adams leaning upon her
crutched stick, and trembling with age and pleasure.  Who so
popular as poor old Jane, nurse and story-teller in ordinary to two
generations; and who so happy as she, striving to bend her stiff
limbs into a curtsey, while tears of pleasure steal down her
withered cheeks!

The old couple sit side by side, and the old time seems like
yesterday indeed.  Looking back upon the path they have travelled,
its dust and ashes disappear; the flowers that withered long ago,
show brightly again upon its borders, and they grow young once more
in the youth of those about them.



CONCLUSION



We have taken for the subjects of the foregoing moral essays,
twelve samples of married couples, carefully selected from a large
stock on hand, open to the inspection of all comers.  These samples
are intended for the benefit of the rising generation of both
sexes, and, for their more easy and pleasant information, have been
separately ticketed and labelled in the manner they have seen.

We have purposely excluded from consideration the couple in which
the lady reigns paramount and supreme, holding such cases to be of
a very unnatural kind, and like hideous births and other monstrous
deformities, only to be discreetly and sparingly exhibited.

And here our self-imposed task would have ended, but that to those
young ladies and gentlemen who are yet revolving singly round the
church, awaiting the advent of that time when the mysterious laws
of attraction shall draw them towards it in couples, we are
desirous of addressing a few last words.

Before marriage and afterwards, let them learn to centre all their
hopes of real and lasting happiness in their own fireside; let them
cherish the faith that in home, and all the English virtues which
the love of home engenders, lies the only true source of domestic
felicity; let them believe that round the household gods,
contentment and tranquillity cluster in their gentlest and most
graceful forms; and that many weary hunters of happiness through
the noisy world, have learnt this truth too late, and found a
cheerful spirit and a quiet mind only at home at last.

How much may depend on the education of daughters and the conduct
of mothers; how much of the brightest part of our old national
character may be perpetuated by their wisdom or frittered away by
their folly - how much of it may have been lost already, and how
much more in danger of vanishing every day - are questions too
weighty for discussion here, but well deserving a little serious
consideration from all young couples nevertheless.

To that one young couple on whose bright destiny the thoughts of
nations are fixed, may the youth of England look, and not in vain,
for an example.  From that one young couple, blessed and favoured
as they are, may they learn that even the glare and glitter of a
court, the splendour of a palace, and the pomp and glory of a
throne, yield in their power of conferring happiness, to domestic
worth and virtue.  From that one young couple may they learn that
the crown of a great empire, costly and jewelled though it be,
gives place in the estimation of a Queen to the plain gold ring
that links her woman's nature to that of tens of thousands of her
humble subjects, and guards in her woman's heart one secret store
of tenderness, whose proudest boast shall be that it knows no
Royalty save Nature's own, and no pride of birth but being the
child of heaven!

So shall the highest young couple in the land for once hear the
truth, when men throw up their caps, and cry with loving shouts -


GOD BLESS THEM.




THE MUDFOG AND OTHER SKETCHES




PUBLIC LIFE OF MR. TULRUMBLE - ONCE MAYOR OF MUDFOG



Mudfog is a pleasant town - a remarkably pleasant town - situated
in a charming hollow by the side of a river, from which river,
Mudfog derives an agreeable scent of pitch, tar, coals, and rope-
yarn, a roving population in oilskin hats, a pretty steady influx
of drunken bargemen, and a great many other maritime advantages.
There is a good deal of water about Mudfog, and yet it is not
exactly the sort of town for a watering-place, either.  Water is a
perverse sort of element at the best of times, and in Mudfog it is
particularly so.  In winter, it comes oozing down the streets and
tumbling over the fields, - nay, rushes into the very cellars and
kitchens of the houses, with a lavish prodigality that might well
be dispensed with; but in the hot summer weather it WILL dry up,
and turn green:  and, although green is a very good colour in its
way, especially in grass, still it certainly is not becoming to
water; and it cannot be denied that the beauty of Mudfog is rather
impaired, even by this trifling circumstance.  Mudfog is a healthy
place - very healthy; - damp, perhaps, but none the worse for that.
It's quite a mistake to suppose that damp is unwholesome:  plants
thrive best in damp situations, and why shouldn't men?  The
inhabitants of Mudfog are unanimous in asserting that there exists
not a finer race of people on the face of the earth; here we have
an indisputable and veracious contradiction of the vulgar error at
once.  So, admitting Mudfog to be damp, we distinctly state that it
is salubrious.

The town of Mudfog is extremely picturesque.  Limehouse and
Ratcliff Highway are both something like it, but they give you a
very faint idea of Mudfog.  There are a great many more public-
houses in Mudfog - more than in Ratcliff Highway and Limehouse put
together.  The public buildings, too, are very imposing.  We
consider the town-hall one of the finest specimens of shed
architecture, extant:  it is a combination of the pig-sty and tea-
garden-box orders; and the simplicity of its design is of
surpassing beauty.  The idea of placing a large window on one side
of the door, and a small one on the other, is particularly happy.
There is a fine old Doric beauty, too, about the padlock and
scraper, which is strictly in keeping with the general effect.

In this room do the mayor and corporation of Mudfog assemble
together in solemn council for the public weal.  Seated on the
massive wooden benches, which, with the table in the centre, form
the only furniture of the whitewashed apartment, the sage men of
Mudfog spend hour after hour in grave deliberation.  Here they
settle at what hour of the night the public-houses shall be closed,
at what hour of the morning they shall be permitted to open, how
soon it shall be lawful for people to eat their dinner on church-
days, and other great political questions; and sometimes, long
after silence has fallen on the town, and the distant lights from
the shops and houses have ceased to twinkle, like far-off stars, to
the sight of the boatmen on the river, the illumination in the two
unequal-sized windows of the town-hall, warns the inhabitants of
Mudfog that its little body of legislators, like a larger and
better-known body of the same genus, a great deal more noisy, and
not a whit more profound, are patriotically dozing away in company,
far into the night, for their country's good.

Among this knot of sage and learned men, no one was so eminently
distinguished, during many years, for the quiet modesty of his
appearance and demeanour, as Nicholas Tulrumble, the well-known
coal-dealer.  However exciting the subject of discussion, however
animated the tone of the debate, or however warm the personalities
exchanged, (and even in Mudfog we get personal sometimes,) Nicholas
Tulrumble was always the same.  To say truth, Nicholas, being an
industrious man, and always up betimes, was apt to fall asleep when
a debate began, and to remain asleep till it was over, when he
would wake up very much refreshed, and give his vote with the
greatest complacency.  The fact was, that Nicholas Tulrumble,
knowing that everybody there had made up his mind beforehand,
considered the talking as just a long botheration about nothing at
all; and to the present hour it remains a question, whether, on
this point at all events, Nicholas Tulrumble was not pretty near
right.

Time, which strews a man's head with silver, sometimes fills his
pockets with gold.  As he gradually performed one good office for
Nicholas Tulrumble, he was obliging enough, not to omit the other.
Nicholas began life in a wooden tenement of four feet square, with
a capital of two and ninepence, and a stock in trade of three
bushels and a-half of coals, exclusive of the large lump which
hung, by way of sign-board, outside.  Then he enlarged the shed,
and kept a truck; then he left the shed, and the truck too, and
started a donkey and a Mrs. Tulrumble; then he moved again and set
up a cart; the cart was soon afterwards exchanged for a waggon; and
so he went on like his great predecessor Whittington - only without
a cat for a partner - increasing in wealth and fame, until at last
he gave up business altogether, and retired with Mrs. Tulrumble and
family to Mudfog Hall, which he had himself erected, on something
which he attempted to delude himself into the belief was a hill,
about a quarter of a mile distant from the town of Mudfog.

About this time, it began to be murmured in Mudfog that Nicholas
Tulrumble was growing vain and haughty; that prosperity and success
had corrupted the simplicity of his manners, and tainted the
natural goodness of his heart; in short, that he was setting up for
a public character, and a great gentleman, and affected to look
down upon his old companions with compassion and contempt.  Whether
these reports were at the time well-founded, or not, certain it is
that Mrs. Tulrumble very shortly afterwards started a four-wheel
chaise, driven by a tall postilion in a yellow cap, - that Mr.
Tulrumble junior took to smoking cigars, and calling the footman a
'feller,' - and that Mr. Tulrumble from that time forth, was no
more seen in his old seat in the chimney-corner of the Lighterman's
Arms at night.  This looked bad; but, more than this, it began to
be observed that Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble attended the corporation
meetings more frequently than heretofore; and he no longer went to
sleep as he had done for so many years, but propped his eyelids
open with his two forefingers; that he read the newspapers by
himself at home; and that he was in the habit of indulging abroad
in distant and mysterious allusions to 'masses of people,' and 'the
property of the country,' and 'productive power,' and 'the monied
interest:' all of which denoted and proved that Nicholas Tulrumble
was either mad, or worse; and it puzzled the good people of Mudfog
amazingly.

At length, about the middle of the month of October, Mr. Tulrumble
and family went up to London; the middle of October being, as Mrs.
Tulrumble informed her acquaintance in Mudfog, the very height of
the fashionable season.

Somehow or other, just about this time, despite the health-
preserving air of Mudfog, the Mayor died.  It was a most
extraordinary circumstance; he had lived in Mudfog for eighty-five
years.  The corporation didn't understand it at all; indeed it was
with great difficulty that one old gentleman, who was a great
stickler for forms, was dissuaded from proposing a vote of censure
on such unaccountable conduct.  Strange as it was, however, die he
did, without taking the slightest notice of the corporation; and
the corporation were imperatively called upon to elect his
successor.  So, they met for the purpose; and being very full of
Nicholas Tulrumble just then, and Nicholas Tulrumble being a very
important man, they elected him, and wrote off to London by the
very next post to acquaint Nicholas Tulrumble with his new
elevation.

Now, it being November time, and Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble being in
the capital, it fell out that he was present at the Lord Mayor's
show and dinner, at sight of the glory and splendour whereof, he,
Mr. Tulrumble, was greatly mortified, inasmuch as the reflection
would force itself on his mind, that, had he been born in London
instead of in Mudfog, he might have been a Lord Mayor too, and have
patronized the judges, and been affable to the Lord Chancellor, and
friendly with the Premier, and coldly condescending to the
Secretary to the Treasury, and have dined with a flag behind his
back, and done a great many other acts and deeds which unto Lord
Mayors of London peculiarly appertain.  The more he thought of the
Lord Mayor, the more enviable a personage he seemed.  To be a King
was all very well; but what was the King to the Lord Mayor!  When
the King made a speech, everybody knew it was somebody else's
writing; whereas here was the Lord Mayor, talking away for half an
hour-all out of his own head - amidst the enthusiastic applause of
the whole company, while it was notorious that the King might talk
to his parliament till he was black in the face without getting so
much as a single cheer.  As all these reflections passed through
the mind of Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble, the Lord Mayor of London
appeared to him the greatest sovereign on the face of the earth,
beating the Emperor of Russia all to nothing, and leaving the Great
Mogul immeasurably behind.

Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was pondering over these things, and
inwardly cursing the fate which had pitched his coal-shed in
Mudfog, when the letter of the corporation was put into his hand.
A crimson flush mantled over his face as he read it, for visions of
brightness were already dancing before his imagination.

'My dear,' said Mr. Tulrumble to his wife, 'they have elected me,
Mayor of Mudfog.'

'Lor-a-mussy!' said Mrs. Tulrumble:  'why what's become of old
Sniggs?'

'The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble,' said Mr. Tulrumble sharply,
for he by no means approved of the notion of unceremoniously
designating a gentleman who filled the high office of Mayor, as
'Old Sniggs,' - 'The late Mr. Sniggs, Mrs. Tulrumble, is dead.'

The communication was very unexpected; but Mrs. Tulrumble only
ejaculated 'Lor-a-mussy!' once again, as if a Mayor were a mere
ordinary Christian, at which Mr. Tulrumble frowned gloomily.

'What a pity 'tan't in London, ain't it?' said Mrs. Tulrumble,
after a short pause; 'what a pity 'tan't in London, where you might
have had a show.'

'I MIGHT have a show in Mudfog, if I thought proper, I apprehend,'
said Mr. Tulrumble mysteriously.

'Lor! so you might, I declare,' replied Mrs. Tulrumble.

'And a good one too,' said Mr. Tulrumble.

'Delightful!' exclaimed Mrs. Tulrumble.

'One which would rather astonish the ignorant people down there,'
said Mr. Tulrumble.

'It would kill them with envy,' said Mrs. Tulrumble.

So it was agreed that his Majesty's lieges in Mudfog should be
astonished with splendour, and slaughtered with envy, and that such
a show should take place as had never been seen in that town, or in
any other town before, - no, not even in London itself.

On the very next day after the receipt of the letter, down came the
tall postilion in a post-chaise, - not upon one of the horses, but
inside - actually inside the chaise, - and, driving up to the very
door of the town-hall, where the corporation were assembled,
delivered a letter, written by the Lord knows who, and signed by
Nicholas Tulrumble, in which Nicholas said, all through four sides
of closely-written, gilt-edged, hot-pressed, Bath post letter
paper, that he responded to the call of his fellow-townsmen with
feelings of heartfelt delight; that he accepted the arduous office
which their confidence had imposed upon him; that they would never
find him shrinking from the discharge of his duty; that he would
endeavour to execute his functions with all that dignity which
their magnitude and importance demanded; and a great deal more to
the same effect.  But even this was not all.  The tall postilion
produced from his right-hand top-boot, a damp copy of that
afternoon's number of the county paper; and there, in large type,
running the whole length of the very first column, was a long
address from Nicholas Tulrumble to the inhabitants of Mudfog, in
which he said that he cheerfully complied with their requisition,
and, in short, as if to prevent any mistake about the matter, told
them over again what a grand fellow he meant to be, in very much
the same terms as those in which he had already told them all about
the matter in his letter.

The corporation stared at one another very hard at all this, and
then looked as if for explanation to the tall postilion, but as the
tall postilion was intently contemplating the gold tassel on the
top of his yellow cap, and could have afforded no explanation
whatever, even if his thoughts had been entirely disengaged, they
contented themselves with coughing very dubiously, and looking very
grave.  The tall postilion then delivered another letter, in which
Nicholas Tulrumble informed the corporation, that he intended
repairing to the town-hall, in grand state and gorgeous procession,
on the Monday afternoon next ensuing.  At this the corporation
looked still more solemn; but, as the epistle wound up with a
formal invitation to the whole body to dine with the Mayor on that
day, at Mudfog Hall, Mudfog Hill, Mudfog, they began to see the fun
of the thing directly, and sent back their compliments, and they'd
be sure to come.

Now there happened to be in Mudfog, as somehow or other there does
happen to be, in almost every town in the British dominions, and
perhaps in foreign dominions too - we think it very likely, but,
being no great traveller, cannot distinctly say - there happened to
be, in Mudfog, a merry-tempered, pleasant-faced, good-for-nothing
sort of vagabond, with an invincible dislike to manual labour, and
an unconquerable attachment to strong beer and spirits, whom
everybody knew, and nobody, except his wife, took the trouble to
quarrel with, who inherited from his ancestors the appellation of
Edward Twigger, and rejoiced in the SOBRIQUET of Bottle-nosed Ned.
He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an
equally fair calculation once a month; and when he was penitent, he
was invariably in the very last stage of maudlin intoxication.  He
was a ragged, roving, roaring kind of fellow, with a burly form, a
sharp wit, and a ready head, and could turn his hand to anything
when he chose to do it.  He was by no means opposed to hard labour
on principle, for he would work away at a cricket-match by the day
together, - running, and catching, and batting, and bowling, and
revelling in toil which would exhaust a galley-slave.  He would
have been invaluable to a fire-office; never was a man with such a
natural taste for pumping engines, running up ladders, and throwing
furniture out of two-pair-of-stairs' windows:  nor was this the
only element in which he was at home; he was a humane society in
himself, a portable drag, an animated life-preserver, and had saved
more people, in his time, from drowning, than the Plymouth life-
boat, or Captain Manby's apparatus.  With all these qualifications,
notwithstanding his dissipation, Bottle-nosed Ned was a general
favourite; and the authorities of Mudfog, remembering his numerous
services to the population, allowed him in return to get drunk in
his own way, without the fear of stocks, fine, or imprisonment.  He
had a general licence, and he showed his sense of the compliment by
making the most of it.

We have been thus particular in describing the character and
avocations of Bottle-nosed Ned, because it enables us to introduce
a fact politely, without hauling it into the reader's presence with
indecent haste by the head and shoulders, and brings us very
naturally to relate, that on the very same evening on which Mr.
Nicholas Tulrumble and family returned to Mudfog, Mr. Tulrumble's
new secretary, just imported from London, with a pale face and
light whiskers, thrust his head down to the very bottom of his
neckcloth-tie, in at the tap-room door of the Lighterman's Arms,
and inquiring whether one Ned Twigger was luxuriating within,
announced himself as the bearer of a message from Nicholas
Tulrumble, Esquire, requiring Mr. Twigger's immediate attendance at
the hall, on private and particular business.  It being by no means
Mr. Twigger's interest to affront the Mayor, he rose from the
fireplace with a slight sigh, and followed the light-whiskered
secretary through the dirt and wet of Mudfog streets, up to Mudfog
Hall, without further ado.

Mr. Nicholas Tulrumble was seated in a small cavern with a
skylight, which he called his library, sketching out a plan of the
procession on a large sheet of paper; and into the cavern the
secretary ushered Ned Twigger.

'Well, Twigger!' said Nicholas Tulrumble, condescendingly.

There was a time when Twigger would have replied, 'Well, Nick!' but
that was in the days of the truck, and a couple of years before the
donkey; so, he only bowed.

'I want you to go into training, Twigger,' said Mr. Tulrumble.

'What for, sir?' inquired Ned, with a stare.

'Hush, hush, Twigger!' said the Mayor.  'Shut the door, Mr.
Jennings.  Look here, Twigger.'

As the Mayor said this, he unlocked a high closet, and disclosed a
complete suit of brass armour, of gigantic dimensions.

'I want you to wear this next Monday, Twigger,' said the Mayor.

'Bless your heart and soul, sir!' replied Ned, 'you might as well
ask me to wear a seventy-four pounder, or a cast-iron boiler.'

'Nonsense, Twigger, nonsense!' said the Mayor.

'I couldn't stand under it, sir,' said Twigger; 'it would make
mashed potatoes of me, if I attempted it.'

'Pooh, pooh, Twigger!' returned the Mayor.  'I tell you I have seen
it done with my own eyes, in London, and the man wasn't half such a
man as you are, either.'

'I should as soon have thought of a man's wearing the case of an
eight-day clock to save his linen,' said Twigger, casting a look of
apprehension at the brass suit.

'It's the easiest thing in the world,' rejoined the Mayor.

'It's nothing,' said Mr. Jennings.

'When you're used to it,' added Ned.

'You do it by degrees,' said the Mayor.  'You would begin with one
piece to-morrow, and two the next day, and so on, till you had got
it all on.  Mr. Jennings, give Twigger a glass of rum.  Just try
the breast-plate, Twigger.  Stay; take another glass of rum first.
Help me to lift it, Mr. Jennings.  Stand firm, Twigger!  There! -
it isn't half as heavy as it looks, is it?'

Twigger was a good strong, stout fellow; so, after a great deal of
staggering, he managed to keep himself up, under the breastplate,
and even contrived, with the aid of another glass of rum, to walk
about in it, and the gauntlets into the bargain.  He made a trial
of the helmet, but was not equally successful, inasmuch as he
tipped over instantly, - an accident which Mr. Tulrumble clearly
demonstrated to be occasioned by his not having a counteracting
weight of brass on his legs.

'Now, wear that with grace and propriety on Monday next,' said
Tulrumble, 'and I'll make your fortune.'

'I'll try what I can do, sir,' said Twigger.

'It must be kept a profound secret,' said Tulrumble.

'Of course, sir,' replied Twigger.

'And you must be sober,' said Tulrumble; 'perfectly sober.'  Mr.
Twigger at once solemnly pledged himself to be as sober as a judge,
and Nicholas Tulrumble was satisfied, although, had we been
Nicholas, we should certainly have exacted some promise of a more
specific nature; inasmuch as, having attended the Mudfog assizes in
the evening more than once, we can solemnly testify to having seen
judges with very strong symptoms of dinner under their wigs.
However, that's neither here nor there.

The next day, and the day following, and the day after that, Ned
Twigger was securely locked up in the small cavern with the sky-
light, hard at work at the armour.  With every additional piece he
could manage to stand upright in, he had an additional glass of
rum; and at last, after many partial suffocations, he contrived to
get on the whole suit, and to stagger up and down the room in it,
like an intoxicated effigy from Westminster Abbey.

Never was man so delighted as Nicholas Tulrumble; never was woman
so charmed as Nicholas Tulrumble's wife.  Here was a sight for the
common people of Mudfog!  A live man in brass armour!  Why, they
would go wild with wonder!

The day - THE Monday - arrived.

If the morning had been made to order, it couldn't have been better
adapted to the purpose.  They never showed a better fog in London
on Lord Mayor's day, than enwrapped the town of Mudfog on that
eventful occasion.  It had risen slowly and surely from the green
and stagnant water with the first light of morning, until it
reached a little above the lamp-post tops; and there it had
stopped, with a sleepy, sluggish obstinacy, which bade defiance to
the sun, who had got up very blood-shot about the eyes, as if he
had been at a drinking-party over-night, and was doing his day's
work with the worst possible grace.  The thick damp mist hung over
the town like a huge gauze curtain.  All was dim and dismal.  The
church steeples had bidden a temporary adieu to the world below;
and every object of lesser importance - houses, barns, hedges,
trees, and barges - had all taken the veil.

The church-clock struck one.  A cracked trumpet from the front
garden of Mudfog Hall produced a feeble flourish, as if some
asthmatic person had coughed into it accidentally; the gate flew
open, and out came a gentleman, on a moist-sugar coloured charger,
intended to represent a herald, but bearing a much stronger
resemblance to a court-card on horseback.  This was one of the
Circus people, who always came down to Mudfog at that time of the
year, and who had been engaged by Nicholas Tulrumble expressly for
the occasion.  There was the horse, whisking his tail about,
balancing himself on his hind-legs, and flourishing away with his
fore-feet, in a manner which would have gone to the hearts and
souls of any reasonable crowd.  But a Mudfog crowd never was a
reasonable one, and in all probability never will be.  Instead of
scattering the very fog with their shouts, as they ought most
indubitably to have done, and were fully intended to do, by
Nicholas Tulrumble, they no sooner recognized the herald, than they
began to growl forth the most unqualified disapprobation at the
bare notion of his riding like any other man.  If he had come out
on his head indeed, or jumping through a hoop, or flying through a
red-hot drum, or even standing on one leg with his other foot in
his mouth, they might have had something to say to him; but for a
professional gentleman to sit astride in the saddle, with his feet
in the stirrups, was rather too good a joke.  So, the herald was a
decided failure, and the crowd hooted with great energy, as he
pranced ingloriously away.

On the procession came.  We are afraid to say how many
supernumeraries there were, in striped shirts and black velvet
caps, to imitate the London watermen, or how many base imitations
of running-footmen, or how many banners, which, owing to the
heaviness of the atmosphere, could by no means be prevailed on to
display their inscriptions:  still less do we feel disposed to
relate how the men who played the wind instruments, looking up into
the sky (we mean the fog) with musical fervour, walked through
pools of water and hillocks of mud, till they covered the powdered
heads of the running-footmen aforesaid with splashes, that looked
curious, but not ornamental; or how the barrel-organ performer put
on the wrong stop, and played one tune while the band played
another; or how the horses, being used to the arena, and not to the
streets, would stand still and dance, instead of going on and
prancing; - all of which are matters which might be dilated upon to
great advantage, but which we have not the least intention of
dilating upon, notwithstanding.

Oh! it was a grand and beautiful sight to behold a corporation in
glass coaches, provided at the sole cost and charge of Nicholas
Tulrumble, coming rolling along, like a funeral out of mourning,
and to watch the attempts the corporation made to look great and
solemn, when Nicholas Tulrumble himself, in the four-wheel chaise,
with the tall postilion, rolled out after them, with Mr. Jennings
on one side to look like a chaplain, and a supernumerary on the
other, with an old life-guardsman's sabre, to imitate the sword-
bearer; and to see the tears rolling down the faces of the mob as
they screamed with merriment.  This was beautiful! and so was the
appearance of Mrs. Tulrumble and son, as they bowed with grave
dignity out of their coach-window to all the dirty faces that were
laughing around them:  but it is not even with this that we have to
do, but with the sudden stopping of the procession at another blast
of the trumpet, whereat, and whereupon, a profound silence ensued,
and all eyes were turned towards Mudfog Hall, in the confident
anticipation of some new wonder.

'They won't laugh now, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas Tulrumble.

'I think not, sir,' said Mr. Jennings.

'See how eager they look,' said Nicholas Tulrumble.  'Aha! the
laugh will be on our side now; eh, Mr. Jennings?'

'No doubt of that, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings; and Nicholas
Tulrumble, in a state of pleasurable excitement, stood up in the
four-wheel chaise, and telegraphed gratification to the Mayoress
behind.

While all this was going forward, Ned Twigger had descended into
the kitchen of Mudfog Hall for the purpose of indulging the
servants with a private view of the curiosity that was to burst
upon the town; and, somehow or other, the footman was so
companionable, and the housemaid so kind, and the cook so friendly,
that he could not resist the offer of the first-mentioned to sit
down and take something - just to drink success to master in.

So, down Ned Twigger sat himself in his brass livery on the top of
the kitchen-table; and in a mug of something strong, paid for by
the unconscious Nicholas Tulrumble, and provided by the
companionable footman, drank success to the Mayor and his
procession; and, as Ned laid by his helmet to imbibe the something
strong, the companionable footman put it on his own head, to the
immeasurable and unrecordable delight of the cook and housemaid.
The companionable footman was very facetious to Ned, and Ned was
very gallant to the cook and housemaid by turns.  They were all
very cosy and comfortable; and the something strong went briskly
round.

At last Ned Twigger was loudly called for, by the procession
people:  and, having had his helmet fixed on, in a very complicated
manner, by the companionable footman, and the kind housemaid, and
the friendly cook, he walked gravely forth, and appeared before the
multitude.

The crowd roared - it was not with wonder, it was not with
surprise; it was most decidedly and unquestionably with laughter.

'What!' said Mr. Tulrumble, starting up in the four-wheel chaise.
'Laughing?  If they laugh at a man in real brass armour, they'd
laugh when their own fathers were dying.  Why doesn't he go into
his place, Mr. Jennings?  What's he rolling down towards us for? he
has no business here!'

'I am afraid, sir - ' faltered Mr. Jennings.

'Afraid of what, sir?' said Nicholas Tulrumble, looking up into the
secretary's face.

'I am afraid he's drunk, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings.

Nicholas Tulrumble took one look at the extraordinary figure that
was bearing down upon them; and then, clasping his secretary by the
arm, uttered an audible groan in anguish of spirit.

It is a melancholy fact that Mr. Twigger having full licence to
demand a single glass of rum on the putting on of every piece of
the armour, got, by some means or other, rather out of his
calculation in the hurry and confusion of preparation, and drank
about four glasses to a piece instead of one, not to mention the
something strong which went on the top of it.  Whether the brass
armour checked the natural flow of perspiration, and thus prevented
the spirit from evaporating, we are not scientific enough to know;
but, whatever the cause was, Mr. Twigger no sooner found himself
outside the gate of Mudfog Hall, than he also found himself in a
very considerable state of intoxication; and hence his
extraordinary style of progressing.  This was bad enough, but, as
if fate and fortune had conspired against Nicholas Tulrumble, Mr.
Twigger, not having been penitent for a good calendar month, took
it into his head to be most especially and particularly
sentimental, just when his repentance could have been most
conveniently dispensed with.  Immense tears were rolling down his
cheeks, and he was vainly endeavouring to conceal his grief by
applying to his eyes a blue cotton pocket-handkerchief with white
spots, - an article not strictly in keeping with a suit of armour
some three hundred years old, or thereabouts.

'Twigger, you villain!' said Nicholas Tulrumble, quite forgetting
his dignity, 'go back.'

'Never,' said Ned.  'I'm a miserable wretch.  I'll never leave
you.'

The by-standers of course received this declaration with
acclamations of 'That's right, Ned; don't!'

'I don't intend it,' said Ned, with all the obstinacy of a very
tipsy man.  'I'm very unhappy.  I'm the wretched father of an
unfortunate family; but I am very faithful, sir.  I'll never leave
you.'  Having reiterated this obliging promise, Ned proceeded in
broken words to harangue the crowd upon the number of years he had
lived in Mudfog, the excessive respectability of his character, and
other topics of the like nature.

'Here! will anybody lead him away?' said Nicholas:  'if they'll
call on me afterwards, I'll reward them well.'

Two or three men stepped forward, with the view of bearing Ned off,
when the secretary interposed.

'Take care! take care!' said Mr. Jennings.  'I beg your pardon,
sir; but they'd better not go too near him, because, if he falls
over, he'll certainly crush somebody.'

At this hint the crowd retired on all sides to a very respectful
distance, and left Ned, like the Duke of Devonshire, in a little
circle of his own.

'But, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas Tulrumble, 'he'll be
suffocated.'

'I'm very sorry for it, sir,' replied Mr. Jennings; 'but nobody can
get that armour off, without his own assistance.  I'm quite certain
of it from the way he put it on.'

Here Ned wept dolefully, and shook his helmeted head, in a manner
that might have touched a heart of stone; but the crowd had not
hearts of stone, and they laughed heartily.

'Dear me, Mr. Jennings,' said Nicholas, turning pale at the
possibility of Ned's being smothered in his antique costume - 'Dear
me, Mr. Jennings, can nothing be done with him?'

'Nothing at all,' replied Ned, 'nothing at all.  Gentlemen, I'm an
unhappy wretch.  I'm a body, gentlemen, in a brass coffin.'  At
this poetical idea of his own conjuring up, Ned cried so much that
the people began to get sympathetic, and to ask what Nicholas
Tulrumble meant by putting a man into such a machine as that; and
one individual in a hairy waistcoat like the top of a trunk, who
had previously expressed his opinion that if Ned hadn't been a poor
man, Nicholas wouldn't have dared do it, hinted at the propriety of
breaking the four-wheel chaise, or Nicholas's head, or both, which
last compound proposition the crowd seemed to consider a very good
notion.

It was not acted upon, however, for it had hardly been broached,
when Ned Twigger's wife made her appearance abruptly in the little
circle before noticed, and Ned no sooner caught a glimpse of her
face and form, than from the mere force of habit he set off towards
his home just as fast as his legs could carry him; and that was not
very quick in the present instance either, for, however ready they
might have been to carry HIM, they couldn't get on very well under
the brass armour.  So, Mrs. Twigger had plenty of time to denounce
Nicholas Tulrumble to his face:  to express her opinion that he was
a decided monster; and to intimate that, if her ill-used husband
sustained any personal damage from the brass armour, she would have
the law of Nicholas Tulrumble for manslaughter.  When she had said
all this with due vehemence, she posted after Ned, who was dragging
himself along as best he could, and deploring his unhappiness in
most dismal tones.

What a wailing and screaming Ned's children raised when he got home
at last!  Mrs. Twigger tried to undo the armour, first in one
place, and then in another, but she couldn't manage it; so she
tumbled Ned into bed, helmet, armour, gauntlets, and all.  Such a
creaking as the bedstead made, under Ned's weight in his new suit!
It didn't break down though; and there Ned lay, like the anonymous
vessel in the Bay of Biscay, till next day, drinking barley-water,
and looking miserable:  and every time he groaned, his good lady
said it served him right, which was all the consolation Ned Twigger
got.

Nicholas Tulrumble and the gorgeous procession went on together to
the town-hall, amid the hisses and groans of all the spectators,
who had suddenly taken it into their heads to consider poor Ned a
martyr.  Nicholas was formally installed in his new office, in
acknowledgment of which ceremony he delivered himself of a speech,
composed by the secretary, which was very long, and no doubt very
good, only the noise of the people outside prevented anybody from
hearing it, but Nicholas Tulrumble himself.  After which, the
procession got back to Mudfog Hall any how it could; and Nicholas
and the corporation sat down to dinner.

But the dinner was flat, and Nicholas was disappointed.  They were
such dull sleepy old fellows, that corporation.  Nicholas made
quite as long speeches as the Lord Mayor of London had done, nay,
he said the very same things that the Lord Mayor of London had
said, and the deuce a cheer the corporation gave him.  There was
only one man in the party who was thoroughly awake; and he was
insolent, and called him Nick.  Nick!  What would be the
consequence, thought Nicholas, of anybody presuming to call the
Lord Mayor of London 'Nick!'  He should like to know what the
sword-bearer would say to that; or the recorder, or the toast-
master, or any other of the great officers of the city.  They'd
nick him.

But these were not the worst of Nicholas Tulrumble's doings.  If
they had been, he might have remained a Mayor to this day, and have
talked till he lost his voice.  He contracted a relish for
statistics, and got philosophical; and the statistics and the
philosophy together, led him into an act which increased his
unpopularity and hastened his downfall.

At the very end of the Mudfog High-street, and abutting on the
river-side, stands the Jolly Boatmen, an old-fashioned low-roofed,
bay-windowed house, with a bar, kitchen, and tap-room all in one,
and a large fireplace with a kettle to correspond, round which the
working men have congregated time out of mind on a winter's night,
refreshed by draughts of good strong beer, and cheered by the
sounds of a fiddle and tambourine:  the Jolly Boatmen having been
duly licensed by the Mayor and corporation, to scrape the fiddle
and thumb the tambourine from time, whereof the memory of the
oldest inhabitants goeth not to the contrary.  Now Nicholas
Tulrumble had been reading pamphlets on crime, and parliamentary
reports, - or had made the secretary read them to him, which is the
same thing in effect, - and he at once perceived that this fiddle
and tambourine must have done more to demoralize Mudfog, than any
other operating causes that ingenuity could imagine.  So he read up
for the subject, and determined to come out on the corporation with
a burst, the very next time the licence was applied for.

The licensing day came, and the red-faced landlord of the Jolly
Boatmen walked into the town-hall, looking as jolly as need be,
having actually put on an extra fiddle for that night, to
commemorate the anniversary of the Jolly Boatmen's music licence.
It was applied for in due form, and was just about to be granted as
a matter of course, when up rose Nicholas Tulrumble, and drowned
the astonished corporation in a torrent of eloquence.  He descanted
in glowing terms upon the increasing depravity of his native town
of Mudfog, and the excesses committed by its population.  Then, he
related how shocked he had been, to see barrels of beer sliding
down into the cellar of the Jolly Boatmen week after week; and how
he had sat at a window opposite the Jolly Boatmen for two days
together, to count the people who went in for beer between the
hours of twelve and one o'clock alone - which, by-the-bye, was the
time at which the great majority of the Mudfog people dined.  Then,
he went on to state, how the number of people who came out with
beer-jugs, averaged twenty-one in five minutes, which, being
multiplied by twelve, gave two hundred and fifty-two people with
beer-jugs in an hour, and multiplied again by fifteen (the number
of hours during which the house was open daily) yielded three
thousand seven hundred and eighty people with beer-jugs per day, or
twenty-six thousand four hundred and sixty people with beer-jugs,
per week.  Then he proceeded to show that a tambourine and moral
degradation were synonymous terms, and a fiddle and vicious
propensities wholly inseparable.  All these arguments he
strengthened and demonstrated by frequent references to a large
book with a blue cover, and sundry quotations from the Middlesex
magistrates; and in the end, the corporation, who were posed with
the figures, and sleepy with the speech, and sadly in want of
dinner into the bargain, yielded the palm to Nicholas Tulrumble,
and refused the music licence to the Jolly Boatmen.

But although Nicholas triumphed, his triumph was short.  He carried
on the war against beer-jugs and fiddles, forgetting the time when
he was glad to drink out of the one, and to dance to the other,
till the people hated, and his old friends shunned him.  He grew
tired of the lonely magnificence of Mudfog Hall, and his heart
yearned towards the Lighterman's Arms.  He wished he had never set
up as a public man, and sighed for the good old times of the coal-
shop, and the chimney corner.

At length old Nicholas, being thoroughly miserable, took heart of
grace, paid the secretary a quarter's wages in advance, and packed
him off to London by the next coach.  Having taken this step, he
put his hat on his head, and his pride in his pocket, and walked
down to the old room at the Lighterman's Arms.  There were only two
of the old fellows there, and they looked coldly on Nicholas as he
proffered his hand.

'Are you going to put down pipes, Mr. Tulrumble?' said one.

'Or trace the progress of crime to 'bacca?' growled another.

'Neither,' replied Nicholas Tulrumble, shaking hands with them
both, whether they would or not.  'I've come down to say that I'm
very sorry for having made a fool of myself, and that I hope you'll
give me up the old chair, again.'

The old fellows opened their eyes, and three or four more old
fellows opened the door, to whom Nicholas, with tears in his eyes,
thrust out his hand too, and told the same story.  They raised a
shout of joy, that made the bells in the ancient church-tower
vibrate again, and wheeling the old chair into the warm corner,
thrust old Nicholas down into it, and ordered in the very largest-
sized bowl of hot punch, with an unlimited number of pipes,
directly.

The next day, the Jolly Boatmen got the licence, and the next
night, old Nicholas and Ned Twigger's wife led off a dance to the
music of the fiddle and tambourine, the tone of which seemed
mightily improved by a little rest, for they never had played so
merrily before.  Ned Twigger was in the very height of his glory,
and he danced hornpipes, and balanced chairs on his chin, and
straws on his nose, till the whole company, including the
corporation, were in raptures of admiration at the brilliancy of
his acquirements.

Mr. Tulrumble, junior, couldn't make up his mind to be anything but
magnificent, so he went up to London and drew bills on his father;
and when he had overdrawn, and got into debt, he grew penitent, and
came home again.

As to old Nicholas, he kept his word, and having had six weeks of
public life, never tried it any more.  He went to sleep in the
town-hall at the very next meeting; and, in full proof of his
sincerity, has requested us to write this faithful narrative.  We
wish it could have the effect of reminding the Tulrumbles of
another sphere, that puffed-up conceit is not dignity, and that
snarling at the little pleasures they were once glad to enjoy,
because they would rather forget the times when they were of lower
station, renders them objects of contempt and ridicule.

This is the first time we have published any of our gleanings from
this particular source.  Perhaps, at some future period, we may
venture to open the chronicles of Mudfog.



FULL REPORT OF THE FIRST MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION
FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING



We have made the most unparalleled and extraordinary exertions to
place before our readers a complete and accurate account of the
proceedings at the late grand meeting of the Mudfog Association,
holden in the town of Mudfog; it affords us great happiness to lay
the result before them, in the shape of various communications
received from our able, talented, and graphic correspondent,
expressly sent down for the purpose, who has immortalized us,
himself, Mudfog, and the association, all at one and the same time.
We have been, indeed, for some days unable to determine who will
transmit the greatest name to posterity; ourselves, who sent our
correspondent down; our correspondent, who wrote an account of the
matter; or the association, who gave our correspondent something to
write about.  We rather incline to the opinion that we are the
greatest man of the party, inasmuch as the notion of an exclusive
and authentic report originated with us; this may be prejudice:  it
may arise from a prepossession on our part in our own favour.  Be
it so.  We have no doubt that every gentleman concerned in this
mighty assemblage is troubled with the same complaint in a greater
or less degree; and it is a consolation to us to know that we have
at least this feeling in common with the great scientific stars,
the brilliant and extraordinary luminaries, whose speculations we
record.

We give our correspondent's letters in the order in which they
reached us.  Any attempt at amalgamating them into one beautiful
whole, would only destroy that glowing tone, that dash of wildness,
and rich vein of picturesque interest, which pervade them
throughout.

'MUDFOG, MONDAY NIGHT, SEVEN O'CLOCK.

'We are in a state of great excitement here.  Nothing is spoken of,
but the approaching meeting of the association.  The inn-doors are
thronged with waiters anxiously looking for the expected arrivals;
and the numerous bills which are wafered up in the windows of
private houses, intimating that there are beds to let within, give
the streets a very animated and cheerful appearance, the wafers
being of a great variety of colours, and the monotony of printed
inscriptions being relieved by every possible size and style of
hand-writing.  It is confidently rumoured that Professors Snore,
Doze, and Wheezy have engaged three beds and a sitting-room at the
Pig and Tinder-box.  I give you the rumour as it has reached me;
but I cannot, as yet, vouch for its accuracy.  The moment I have
been enabled to obtain any certain information upon this
interesting point, you may depend upon receiving it.'

'HALF-PAST SEVEN.

I have just returned from a personal interview with the landlord of
the Pig and Tinder-box.  He speaks confidently of the probability
of Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy taking up their residence at
his house during the sitting of the association, but denies that
the beds have been yet engaged; in which representation he is
confirmed by the chambermaid - a girl of artless manners, and
interesting appearance.  The boots denies that it is at all likely
that Professors Snore, Doze, and Wheezy will put up here; but I
have reason to believe that this man has been suborned by the
proprietor of the Original Pig, which is the opposition hotel.
Amidst such conflicting testimony it is difficult to arrive at the
real truth; but you may depend upon receiving authentic information
upon this point the moment the fact is ascertained.  The excitement
still continues.  A boy fell through the window of the pastrycook's
shop at the corner of the High-street about half an hour ago, which
has occasioned much confusion.  The general impression is, that it
was an accident.  Pray heaven it may prove so!'

'TUESDAY, NOON.

'At an early hour this morning the bells of all the churches struck
seven o'clock; the effect of which, in the present lively state of
the town, was extremely singular.  While I was at breakfast, a
yellow gig, drawn by a dark grey horse, with a patch of white over
his right eyelid, proceeded at a rapid pace in the direction of the
Original Pig stables; it is currently reported that this gentleman
has arrived here for the purpose of attending the association, and,
from what I have heard, I consider it extremely probable, although
nothing decisive is yet known regarding him.  You may conceive the
anxiety with which we are all looking forward to the arrival of the
four o'clock coach this afternoon.

'Notwithstanding the excited state of the populace, no outrage has
yet been committed, owing to the admirable discipline and
discretion of the police, who are nowhere to be seen.  A barrel-
organ is playing opposite my window, and groups of people, offering
fish and vegetables for sale, parade the streets.  With these
exceptions everything is quiet, and I trust will continue so.'

'FIVE O'CLOCK.

'It is now ascertained, beyond all doubt, that Professors Snore,
Doze, and Wheezy will NOT repair to the Pig and Tinder-box, but
have actually engaged apartments at the Original Pig.  This
intelligence is EXCLUSIVE; and I leave you and your readers to draw
their own inferences from it.  Why Professor Wheezy, of all people
in the world, should repair to the Original Pig in preference to
the Pig and Tinder-box, it is not easy to conceive.  The professor
is a man who should be above all such petty feelings.  Some people
here openly impute treachery, and a distinct breach of faith to
Professors Snore and Doze; while others, again, are disposed to
acquit them of any culpability in the transaction, and to insinuate
that the blame rests solely with Professor Wheezy.  I own that I
incline to the latter opinion; and although it gives me great pain
to speak in terms of censure or disapprobation of a man of such
transcendent genius and acquirements, still I am bound to say that,
if my suspicions be well founded, and if all the reports which have
reached my ears be true, I really do not well know what to make of
the matter.

'Mr. Slug, so celebrated for his statistical researches, arrived
this afternoon by the four o'clock stage.  His complexion is a dark
purple, and he has a habit of sighing constantly.  He looked
extremely well, and appeared in high health and spirits.  Mr.
Woodensconce also came down in the same conveyance.  The
distinguished gentleman was fast asleep on his arrival, and I am
informed by the guard that he had been so the whole way.  He was,
no doubt, preparing for his approaching fatigues; but what gigantic
visions must those be that flit through the brain of such a man
when his body is in a state of torpidity!

'The influx of visitors increases every moment.  I am told (I know
not how truly) that two post-chaises have arrived at the Original
Pig within the last half-hour, and I myself observed a wheelbarrow,
containing three carpet bags and a bundle, entering the yard of the
Pig and Tinder-box no longer ago than five minutes since.  The
people are still quietly pursuing their ordinary occupations; but
there is a wildness in their eyes, and an unwonted rigidity in the
muscles of their countenances, which shows to the observant
spectator that their expectations are strained to the very utmost
pitch.  I fear, unless some very extraordinary arrivals take place
to-night, that consequences may arise from this popular ferment,
which every man of sense and feeling would deplore.'

'TWENTY MINUTES PAST SIX.

'I have just heard that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's
window last night has died of the fright.  He was suddenly called
upon to pay three and sixpence for the damage done, and his
constitution, it seems, was not strong enough to bear up against
the shock.  The inquest, it is said, will be held to-morrow.'

'THREE-QUARTERS PART SEVEN.

'Professors Muff and Nogo have just driven up to the hotel door;
they at once ordered dinner with great condescension.  We are all
very much delighted with the urbanity of their manners, and the
ease with which they adapt themselves to the forms and ceremonies
of ordinary life.  Immediately on their arrival they sent for the
head waiter, and privately requested him to purchase a live dog, -
as cheap a one as he could meet with, - and to send him up after
dinner, with a pie-board, a knife and fork, and a clean plate.  It
is conjectured that some experiments will be tried upon the dog to-
night; if any particulars should transpire, I will forward them by
express.'

'HALF-PAST EIGHT.

'The animal has been procured.  He is a pug-dog, of rather
intelligent appearance, in good condition, and with very short
legs.  He has been tied to a curtain-peg in a dark room, and is
howling dreadfully.'

'TEN MINUTES TO NINE.

'The dog has just been rung for.  With an instinct which would
appear almost the result of reason, the sagacious animal seized the
waiter by the calf of the leg when he approached to take him, and
made a desperate, though ineffectual resistance.  I have not been
able to procure admission to the apartment occupied by the
scientific gentlemen; but, judging from the sounds which reached my
ears when I stood upon the landing-place outside the door, just
now, I should be disposed to say that the dog had retreated
growling beneath some article of furniture, and was keeping the
professors at bay.  This conjecture is confirmed by the testimony
of the ostler, who, after peeping through the keyhole, assures me
that he distinctly saw Professor Nogo on his knees, holding forth a
small bottle of prussic acid, to which the animal, who was crouched
beneath an arm-chair, obstinately declined to smell.  You cannot
imagine the feverish state of irritation we are in, lest the
interests of science should be sacrificed to the prejudices of a
brute creature, who is not endowed with sufficient sense to foresee
the incalculable benefits which the whole human race may derive
from so very slight a concession on his part.'

'NINE O'CLOCK.

'The dog's tail and ears have been sent down-stairs to be washed;
from which circumstance we infer that the animal is no more.  His
forelegs have been delivered to the boots to be brushed, which
strengthens the supposition.'

'HALF AFTER TEN.

'My feelings are so overpowered by what has taken place in the
course of the last hour and a half, that I have scarcely strength
to detail the rapid succession of events which have quite
bewildered all those who are cognizant of their occurrence.  It
appears that the pug-dog mentioned in my last was surreptitiously
obtained, - stolen, in fact, - by some person attached to the
stable department, from an unmarried lady resident in this town.
Frantic on discovering the loss of her favourite, the lady rushed
distractedly into the street, calling in the most heart-rending and
pathetic manner upon the passengers to restore her, her Augustus, -
for so the deceased was named, in affectionate remembrance of a
former lover of his mistress, to whom he bore a striking personal
resemblance, which renders the circumstances additionally
affecting.  I am not yet in a condition to inform you what
circumstance induced the bereaved lady to direct her steps to the
hotel which had witnessed the last struggles of her PROTEGE.  I can
only state that she arrived there, at the very instant when his
detached members were passing through the passage on a small tray.
Her shrieks still reverberate in my ears!  I grieve to say that the
expressive features of Professor Muff were much scratched and
lacerated by the injured lady; and that Professor Nogo, besides
sustaining several severe bites, has lost some handfuls of hair
from the same cause.  It must be some consolation to these
gentlemen to know that their ardent attachment to scientific
pursuits has alone occasioned these unpleasant consequences; for
which the sympathy of a grateful country will sufficiently reward
them.  The unfortunate lady remains at the Pig and Tinder-box, and
up to this time is reported in a very precarious state.

'I need scarcely tell you that this unlooked-for catastrophe has
cast a damp and gloom upon us in the midst of our exhilaration;
natural in any case, but greatly enhanced in this, by the amiable
qualities of the deceased animal, who appears to have been much and
deservedly respected by the whole of his acquaintance.'

'TWELVE O'CLOCK.

'I take the last opportunity before sealing my parcel to inform you
that the boy who fell through the pastrycook's window is not dead,
as was universally believed, but alive and well.  The report
appears to have had its origin in his mysterious disappearance.  He
was found half an hour since on the premises of a sweet-stuff
maker, where a raffle had been announced for a second-hand seal-
skin cap and a tambourine; and where - a sufficient number of
members not having been obtained at first - he had patiently waited
until the list was completed.  This fortunate discovery has in some
degree restored our gaiety and cheerfulness.  It is proposed to get
up a subscription for him without delay.

'Everybody is nervously anxious to see what to-morrow will bring
forth.  If any one should arrive in the course of the night, I have
left strict directions to be called immediately.  I should have sat
up, indeed, but the agitating events of this day have been too much
for me.

'No news yet of either of the Professors Snore, Doze, or Wheezy.
It is very strange!'

'WEDNESDAY AFTERNOON.

'All is now over; and, upon one point at least, I am at length
enabled to set the minds of your readers at rest.  The three
professors arrived at ten minutes after two o'clock, and, instead
of taking up their quarters at the Original Pig, as it was
universally understood in the course of yesterday that they would
assuredly have done, drove straight to the Pig and Tinder-box,
where they threw off the mask at once, and openly announced their
intention of remaining.  Professor Wheezy may reconcile this very
extraordinary conduct with HIS notions of fair and equitable
dealing, but I would recommend Professor Wheezy to be cautious how
he presumes too far upon his well-earned reputation.  How such a
man as Professor Snore, or, which is still more extraordinary, such
an individual as Professor Doze, can quietly allow himself to be
mixed up with such proceedings as these, you will naturally
inquire.  Upon this head, rumour is silent; I have my speculations,
but forbear to give utterance to them just now.'

'FOUR O'CLOCK.

'The town is filling fast; eighteenpence has been offered for a bed
and refused.  Several gentlemen were under the necessity last night
of sleeping in the brick fields, and on the steps of doors, for
which they were taken before the magistrates in a body this
morning, and committed to prison as vagrants for various terms.
One of these persons I understand to be a highly-respectable
tinker, of great practical skill, who had forwarded a paper to the
President of Section D. Mechanical Science, on the construction of
pipkins with copper bottoms and safety-values, of which report
speaks highly.  The incarceration of this gentleman is greatly to
be regretted, as his absence will preclude any discussion on the
subject.

'The bills are being taken down in all directions, and lodgings are
being secured on almost any terms.  I have heard of fifteen
shillings a week for two rooms, exclusive of coals and attendance,
but I can scarcely believe it.  The excitement is dreadful.  I was
informed this morning that the civil authorities, apprehensive of
some outbreak of popular feeling, had commanded a recruiting
sergeant and two corporals to be under arms; and that, with the
view of not irritating the people unnecessarily by their presence,
they had been requested to take up their position before daybreak
in a turnpike, distant about a quarter of a mile from the town.
The vigour and promptness of these measures cannot be too highly
extolled.

'Intelligence has just been brought me, that an elderly female, in
a state of inebriety, has declared in the open street her intention
to "do" for Mr. Slug.  Some statistical returns compiled by that
gentleman, relative to the consumption of raw spirituous liquors in
this place, are supposed to be the cause of the wretch's animosity.
It is added that this declaration was loudly cheered by a crowd of
persons who had assembled on the spot; and that one man had the
boldness to designate Mr. Slug aloud by the opprobrious epithet of
"Stick-in-the-mud!"  It is earnestly to be hoped that now, when the
moment has arrived for their interference, the magistrates will not
shrink from the exercise of that power which is vested in them by
the constitution of our common country.'

'HALF-PAST TEN.

'The disturbance, I am happy to inform you, has been completely
quelled, and the ringleader taken into custody.  She had a pail of
cold water thrown over her, previous to being locked up, and
expresses great contrition and uneasiness.  We are all in a fever
of anticipation about to-morrow; but, now that we are within a few
hours of the meeting of the association, and at last enjoy the
proud consciousness of having its illustrious members amongst us, I
trust and hope everything may go off peaceably.  I shall send you a
full report of to-morrow's proceedings by the night coach.'

'ELEVEN O'CLOCK.

'I open my letter to say that nothing whatever has occurred since I
folded it up.'

'THURSDAY.

'The sun rose this morning at the usual hour.  I did not observe
anything particular in the aspect of the glorious planet, except
that he appeared to me (it might have been a delusion of my
heightened fancy) to shine with more than common brilliancy, and to
shed a refulgent lustre upon the town, such as I had never observed
before.  This is the more extraordinary, as the sky was perfectly
cloudless, and the atmosphere peculiarly fine.  At half-past nine
o'clock the general committee assembled, with the last year's
president in the chair.  The report of the council was read; and
one passage, which stated that the council had corresponded with no
less than three thousand five hundred and seventy-one persons, (all
of whom paid their own postage,) on no fewer than seven thousand
two hundred and forty-three topics, was received with a degree of
enthusiasm which no efforts could suppress.  The various committees
and sections having been appointed, and the more formal business
transacted, the great proceedings of the meeting commenced at
eleven o'clock precisely.  I had the happiness of occupying a most
eligible position at that time, in


'SECTION A. - ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY.
GREAT ROOM, PIG AND TINDER-BOX.


PRESIDENT - Professor Snore.  VICE-PRESIDENTS - Professors Doze and
Wheezy.

'The scene at this moment was particularly striking.  The sun
streamed through the windows of the apartments, and tinted the
whole scene with its brilliant rays, bringing out in strong relief
the noble visages of the professors and scientific gentlemen, who,
some with bald heads, some with red heads, some with brown heads,
some with grey heads, some with black heads, some with block heads,
presented a COUP D'OEIL which no eye-witness will readily forget.
In front of these gentlemen were papers and inkstands; and round
the room, on elevated benches extending as far as the forms could
reach, were assembled a brilliant concourse of those lovely and
elegant women for which Mudfog is justly acknowledged to be without
a rival in the whole world.  The contrast between their fair faces
and the dark coats and trousers of the scientific gentlemen I shall
never cease to remember while Memory holds her seat.

'Time having been allowed for a slight confusion, occasioned by the
falling down of the greater part of the platforms, to subside, the
president called on one of the secretaries to read a communication
entitled, "Some remarks on the industrious fleas, with
considerations on the importance of establishing infant-schools
among that numerous class of society; of directing their industry
to useful and practical ends; and of applying the surplus fruits
thereof, towards providing for them a comfortable and respectable
maintenance in their old age."

'The author stated, that, having long turned his attention to the
moral and social condition of these interesting animals, he had
been induced to visit an exhibition in Regent-street, London,
commonly known by the designation of "The Industrious Fleas."  He
had there seen many fleas, occupied certainly in various pursuits
and avocations, but occupied, he was bound to add, in a manner
which no man of well-regulated mind could fail to regard with
sorrow and regret.  One flea, reduced to the level of a beast of
burden, was drawing about a miniature gig, containing a
particularly small effigy of His Grace the Duke of Wellington;
while another was staggering beneath the weight of a golden model
of his great adversary Napoleon Bonaparte.  Some, brought up as
mountebanks and ballet-dancers, were performing a figure-dance (he
regretted to observe, that, of the fleas so employed, several were
females); others were in training, in a small card-board box, for
pedestrians, - mere sporting characters - and two were actually
engaged in the cold-blooded and barbarous occupation of duelling; a
pursuit from which humanity recoiled with horror and disgust.  He
suggested that measures should be immediately taken to employ the
labour of these fleas as part and parcel of the productive power of
the country, which might easily be done by the establishment among
them of infant schools and houses of industry, in which a system of
virtuous education, based upon sound principles, should be
observed, and moral precepts strictly inculcated.  He proposed that
every flea who presumed to exhibit, for hire, music, or dancing, or
any species of theatrical entertainment, without a licence, should
be considered a vagabond, and treated accordingly; in which respect
he only placed him upon a level with the rest of mankind.  He would
further suggest that their labour should be placed under the
control and regulation of the state, who should set apart from the
profits, a fund for the support of superannuated or disabled fleas,
their widows and orphans.  With this view, he proposed that liberal
premiums should be offered for the three best designs for a general
almshouse; from which - as insect architecture was well known to be
in a very advanced and perfect state - we might possibly derive
many valuable hints for the improvement of our metropolitan
universities, national galleries, and other public edifices.

'THE PRESIDENT wished to be informed how the ingenious gentleman
proposed to open a communication with fleas generally, in the first
instance, so that they might be thoroughly imbued with a sense of
the advantages they must necessarily derive from changing their
mode of life, and applying themselves to honest labour.  This
appeared to him, the only difficulty.

'THE AUTHOR submitted that this difficulty was easily overcome, or
rather that there was no difficulty at all in the case.  Obviously
the course to be pursued, if Her Majesty's government could be
prevailed upon to take up the plan, would be, to secure at a
remunerative salary the individual to whom he had alluded as
presiding over the exhibition in Regent-street at the period of his
visit.  That gentleman would at once be able to put himself in
communication with the mass of the fleas, and to instruct them in
pursuance of some general plan of education, to be sanctioned by
Parliament, until such time as the more intelligent among them were
advanced enough to officiate as teachers to the rest.

'The President and several members of the section highly
complimented the author of the paper last read, on his most
ingenious and important treatise.  It was determined that the
subject should be recommended to the immediate consideration of the
council.

'MR. WIGSBY produced a cauliflower somewhat larger than a chaise-
umbrella, which had been raised by no other artificial means than
the simple application of highly carbonated soda-water as manure.
He explained that by scooping out the head, which would afford a
new and delicious species of nourishment for the poor, a parachute,
in principle something similar to that constructed by M. Garnerin,
was at once obtained; the stalk of course being kept downwards.  He
added that he was perfectly willing to make a descent from a height
of not less than three miles and a quarter; and had in fact already
proposed the same to the proprietors of Vauxhall Gardens, who in
the handsomest manner at once consented to his wishes, and
appointed an early day next summer for the undertaking; merely
stipulating that the rim of the cauliflower should be previously
broken in three or four places to ensure the safety of the descent.

'THE PRESIDENT congratulated the public on the GRAND GALA in store
for them, and warmly eulogised the proprietors of the establishment
alluded to, for their love of science, and regard for the safety of
human life, both of which did them the highest honour.

'A Member wished to know how many thousand additional lamps the
royal property would be illuminated with, on the night after the
descent.

'MR. WIGSBY replied that the point was not yet finally decided; but
he believed it was proposed, over and above the ordinary
illuminations, to exhibit in various devices eight millions and a-
half of additional lamps.

'The Member expressed himself much gratified with this
announcement.

'MR. BLUNDERUM delighted the section with a most interesting and
valuable paper "on the last moments of the learned pig," which
produced a very strong impression on the assembly, the account
being compiled from the personal recollections of his favourite
attendant.  The account stated in the most emphatic terms that the
animal's name was not Toby, but Solomon; and distinctly proved that
he could have no near relatives in the profession, as many
designing persons had falsely stated, inasmuch as his father,
mother, brothers and sisters, had all fallen victims to the butcher
at different times.  An uncle of his indeed, had with very great
labour been traced to a sty in Somers Town; but as he was in a very
infirm state at the time, being afflicted with measles, and shortly
afterwards disappeared, there appeared too much reason to
conjecture that he had been converted into sausages.  The disorder
of the learned pig was originally a severe cold, which, being
aggravated by excessive trough indulgence, finally settled upon the
lungs, and terminated in a general decay of the constitution.  A
melancholy instance of a presentiment entertained by the animal of
his approaching dissolution, was recorded.  After gratifying a
numerous and fashionable company with his performances, in which no
falling off whatever was visible, he fixed his eyes on the
biographer, and, turning to the watch which lay on the floor, and
on which he was accustomed to point out the hour, deliberately
passed his snout twice round the dial.  In precisely four-and-
twenty hours from that time he had ceased to exist!

'PROFESSOR WHEEZY inquired whether, previous to his demise, the
animal had expressed, by signs or otherwise, any wishes regarding
the disposal of his little property.

'MR. BLUNDERUM replied, that, when the biographer took up the pack
of cards at the conclusion of the performance, the animal grunted
several times in a significant manner, and nodding his head as he
was accustomed to do, when gratified.  From these gestures it was
understood that he wished the attendant to keep the cards, which he
had ever since done.  He had not expressed any wish relative to his
watch, which had accordingly been pawned by the same individual.

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any Member of the section had
ever seen or conversed with the pig-faced lady, who was reported to
have worn a black velvet mask, and to have taken her meals from a
golden trough.

'After some hesitation a Member replied that the pig-faced lady was
his mother-in-law, and that he trusted the President would not
violate the sanctity of private life.

'THE PRESIDENT begged pardon.  He had considered the pig-faced lady
a public character.  Would the honourable member object to state,
with a view to the advancement of science, whether she was in any
way connected with the learned pig?

'The Member replied in the same low tone, that, as the question
appeared to involve a suspicion that the learned pig might be his
half-brother, he must decline answering it.


'SECTION B. - ANATOMY AND MEDICINE.
COACH-HOUSE, PIG AND TINDER-BOX.


PRESIDENT - Dr. Toorell.  VICE-PRESIDENTS - Professors Muff and
Nogo.

DR. KUTANKUMAGEN (of Moscow) read to the section a report of a case
which had occurred within his own practice, strikingly illustrative
of the power of medicine, as exemplified in his successful
treatment of a virulent disorder.  He had been called in to visit
the patient on the 1st of April, 1837.  He was then labouring under
symptoms peculiarly alarming to any medical man.  His frame was
stout and muscular, his step firm and elastic, his cheeks plump and
red, his voice loud, his appetite good, his pulse full and round.
He was in the constant habit of eating three meals PER DIEM, and of
drinking at least one bottle of wine, and one glass of spirituous
liquors diluted with water, in the course of the four-and-twenty
hours.  He laughed constantly, and in so hearty a manner that it
was terrible to hear him.  By dint of powerful medicine, low diet,
and bleeding, the symptoms in the course of three days perceptibly
decreased.  A rigid perseverance in the same course of treatment
for only one week, accompanied with small doses of water-gruel,
weak broth, and barley-water, led to their entire disappearance.
In the course of a month he was sufficiently recovered to be
carried down-stairs by two nurses, and to enjoy an airing in a
close carriage, supported by soft pillows.  At the present moment
he was restored so far as to walk about, with the slight assistance
of a crutch and a boy.  It would perhaps be gratifying to the
section to learn that he ate little, drank little, slept little,
and was never heard to laugh by any accident whatever.

'DR. W. R. FEE, in complimenting the honourable member upon the
triumphant cure he had effected, begged to ask whether the patient
still bled freely?

'DR. KUTANKUMAGEN replied in the affirmative.

'DR. W. R. FEE. - And you found that he bled freely during the
whole course of the disorder?

'DR. KUTANKUMAGEN. - Oh dear, yes; most freely.

'DR. NEESHAWTS supposed, that if the patient had not submitted to
be bled with great readiness and perseverance, so extraordinary a
cure could never, in fact, have been accomplished.  Dr.
Kutankumagen rejoined, certainly not.

'MR. KNIGHT BELL (M.R.C.S.) exhibited a wax preparation of the
interior of a gentleman who in early life had inadvertently
swallowed a door-key.  It was a curious fact that a medical student
of dissipated habits, being present at the POST MORTEM examination,
found means to escape unobserved from the room, with that portion
of the coats of the stomach upon which an exact model of the
instrument was distinctly impressed, with which he hastened to a
locksmith of doubtful character, who made a new key from the
pattern so shown to him.  With this key the medical student entered
the house of the deceased gentleman, and committed a burglary to a
large amount, for which he was subsequently tried and executed.

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what became of the original key after
the lapse of years.  Mr. Knight Bell replied that the gentleman was
always much accustomed to punch, and it was supposed the acid had
gradually devoured it.

'DR. NEESHAWTS and several of the members were of opinion that the
key must have lain very cold and heavy upon the gentleman's
stomach.

'MR. KNIGHT BELL believed it did at first.  It was worthy of
remark, perhaps, that for some years the gentleman was troubled
with a night-mare, under the influence of which he always imagined
himself a wine-cellar door.

'PROFESSOR MUFF related a very extraordinary and convincing proof
of the wonderful efficacy of the system of infinitesimal doses,
which the section were doubtless aware was based upon the theory
that the very minutest amount of any given drug, properly dispersed
through the human frame, would be productive of precisely the same
result as a very large dose administered in the usual manner.
Thus, the fortieth part of a grain of calomel was supposed to be
equal to a five-grain calomel pill, and so on in proportion
throughout the whole range of medicine.  He had tried the
experiment in a curious manner upon a publican who had been brought
into the hospital with a broken head, and was cured upon the
infinitesimal system in the incredibly short space of three months.
This man was a hard drinker.  He (Professor Muff) had dispersed
three drops of rum through a bucket of water, and requested the man
to drink the whole.  What was the result?  Before he had drunk a
quart, he was in a state of beastly intoxication; and five other
men were made dead drunk with the remainder.

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether an infinitesimal dose of
soda-water would have recovered them?  Professor Muff replied that
the twenty-fifth part of a teaspoonful, properly administered to
each patient, would have sobered him immediately.  The President
remarked that this was a most important discovery, and he hoped the
Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen would patronize it immediately.

'A Member begged to be informed whether it would be possible to
administer - say, the twentieth part of a grain of bread and cheese
to all grown-up paupers, and the fortieth part to children, with
the same satisfying effect as their present allowance.

'PROFESSOR MUFF was willing to stake his professional reputation on
the perfect adequacy of such a quantity of food to the support of
human life - in workhouses; the addition of the fifteenth part of a
grain of pudding twice a week would render it a high diet.

'PROFESSOR NOGO called the attention of the section to a very
extraordinary case of animal magnetism.  A private watchman, being
merely looked at by the operator from the opposite side of a wide
street, was at once observed to be in a very drowsy and languid
state.  He was followed to his box, and being once slightly rubbed
on the palms of the hands, fell into a sound sleep, in which he
continued without intermission for ten hours.



'SECTION C. - STATISTICS.
HAY-LOFT, ORIGINAL PIG.

PRESIDENT - Mr. Woodensconce.  VICE-PRESIDENTS - Mr. Ledbrain and
Mr. Timbered.

'MR. SLUG stated to the section the result of some calculations he
had made with great difficulty and labour, regarding the state of
infant education among the middle classes of London.  He found
that, within a circle of three miles from the Elephant and Castle,
the following were the names and numbers of children's books
principally in circulation:-


'Jack the Giant-killer           7,943
Ditto and Bean-stalk             8,621
Ditto and Eleven Brothers        2,845
Ditto and Jill                   1,998
Total                           21,407


'He found that the proportion of Robinson Crusoes to Philip Quarlls
was as four and a half to one; and that the preponderance of
Valentine and Orsons over Goody Two Shoeses was as three and an
eighth of the former to half a one of the latter; a comparison of
Seven Champions with Simple Simons gave the same result.  The
ignorance that prevailed, was lamentable.  One child, on being
asked whether he would rather be Saint George of England or a
respectable tallow-chandler, instantly replied, "Taint George of
Ingling."  Another, a little boy of eight years old, was found to
be firmly impressed with a belief in the existence of dragons, and
openly stated that it was his intention when he grew up, to rush
forth sword in hand for the deliverance of captive princesses, and
the promiscuous slaughter of giants.  Not one child among the
number interrogated had ever heard of Mungo Park, - some inquiring
whether he was at all connected with the black man that swept the
crossing; and others whether he was in any way related to the
Regent's Park.  They had not the slightest conception of the
commonest principles of mathematics, and considered Sindbad the
Sailor the most enterprising voyager that the world had ever
produced.

'A Member strongly deprecating the use of all the other books
mentioned, suggested that Jack and Jill might perhaps be exempted
from the general censure, inasmuch as the hero and heroine, in the
very outset of the tale, were depicted as going UP a hill to fetch
a pail of water, which was a laborious and useful occupation, -
supposing the family linen was being washed, for instance.

'MR. SLUG feared that the moral effect of this passage was more
than counterbalanced by another in a subsequent part of the poem,
in which very gross allusion was made to the mode in which the
heroine was personally chastised by her mother


"'For laughing at Jack's disaster;"


besides, the whole work had this one great fault, IT WAS NOT TRUE.

'THE PRESIDENT complimented the honourable member on the excellent
distinction he had drawn.  Several other Members, too, dwelt upon
the immense and urgent necessity of storing the minds of children
with nothing but facts and figures; which process the President
very forcibly remarked, had made them (the section) the men they
were.

'MR. SLUG then stated some curious calculations respecting the
dogs'-meat barrows of London.  He found that the total number of
small carts and barrows engaged in dispensing provision to the cats
and dogs of the metropolis was, one thousand seven hundred and
forty-three.  The average number of skewers delivered daily with
the provender, by each dogs'-meat cart or barrow, was thirty-six.
Now, multiplying the number of skewers so delivered by the number
of barrows, a total of sixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty-
eight skewers daily would be obtained.  Allowing that, of these
sixty-two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight skewers, the odd
two thousand seven hundred and forty-eight were accidentally
devoured with the meat, by the most voracious of the animals
supplied, it followed that sixty thousand skewers per day, or the
enormous number of twenty-one millions nine hundred thousand
skewers annually, were wasted in the kennels and dustholes of
London; which, if collected and warehoused, would in ten years'
time afford a mass of timber more than sufficient for the
construction of a first-rate vessel of war for the use of her
Majesty's navy, to be called "The Royal Skewer," and to become
under that name the terror of all the enemies of this island.

'MR. X. LEDBRAIN read a very ingenious communication, from which it
appeared that the total number of legs belonging to the
manufacturing population of one great town in Yorkshire was, in
round numbers, forty thousand, while the total number of chair and
stool legs in their houses was only thirty thousand, which, upon
the very favourable average of three legs to a seat, yielded only
ten thousand seats in all.  From this calculation it would appear,
- not taking wooden or cork legs into the account, but allowing two
legs to every person, - that ten thousand individuals (one-half of
the whole population) were either destitute of any rest for their
legs at all, or passed the whole of their leisure time in sitting
upon boxes.


'SECTION D. - MECHANICAL SCIENCE.
COACH-HOUSE, ORIGINAL PIG.


PRESIDENT - Mr. Carter.  VICE-PRESIDENTS - Mr. Truck and Mr.
Waghorn.

'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK exhibited an elegant model of a portable
railway, neatly mounted in a green case, for the waistcoat pocket.
By attaching this beautiful instrument to his boots, any Bank or
public-office clerk could transport himself from his place of
residence to his place of business, at the easy rate of sixty-five
miles an hour, which, to gentlemen of sedentary pursuits, would be
an incalculable advantage.

'THE PRESIDENT was desirous of knowing whether it was necessary to
have a level surface on which the gentleman was to run.

'PROFESSOR QUEERSPECK explained that City gentlemen would run in
trains, being handcuffed together to prevent confusion or
unpleasantness.  For instance, trains would start every morning at
eight, nine, and ten o'clock, from Camden Town, Islington,
Camberwell, Hackney, and various other places in which City
gentlemen are accustomed to reside.  It would be necessary to have
a level, but he had provided for this difficulty by proposing that
the best line that the circumstances would admit of, should be
taken through the sewers which undermine the streets of the
metropolis, and which, well lighted by jets from the gas pipes
which run immediately above them, would form a pleasant and
commodious arcade, especially in winter-time, when the inconvenient
custom of carrying umbrellas, now so general, could be wholly
dispensed with.  In reply to another question, Professor Queerspeck
stated that no substitute for the purposes to which these arcades
were at present devoted had yet occurred to him, but that he hoped
no fanciful objection on this head would be allowed to interfere
with so great an undertaking.

'MR. JOBBA produced a forcing-machine on a novel plan, for bringing
joint-stock railway shares prematurely to a premium.  The
instrument was in the form of an elegant gilt weather-glass, of
most dazzling appearance, and was worked behind, by strings, after
the manner of a pantomime trick, the strings being always pulled by
the directors of the company to which the machine belonged.  The
quicksilver was so ingeniously placed, that when the acting
directors held shares in their pockets, figures denoting very small
expenses and very large returns appeared upon the glass; but the
moment the directors parted with these pieces of paper, the
estimate of needful expenditure suddenly increased itself to an
immense extent, while the statements of certain profits became
reduced in the same proportion.  Mr. Jobba stated that the machine
had been in constant requisition for some months past, and he had
never once known it to fail.

'A Member expressed his opinion that it was extremely neat and
pretty.  He wished to know whether it was not liable to accidental
derangement?  Mr. Jobba said that the whole machine was undoubtedly
liable to be blown up, but that was the only objection to it.

'PROFESSOR NOGO arrived from the anatomical section to exhibit a
model of a safety fire-escape, which could be fixed at any time, in
less than half an hour, and by means of which, the youngest or most
infirm persons (successfully resisting the progress of the flames
until it was quite ready) could be preserved if they merely
balanced themselves for a few minutes on the sill of their bedroom
window, and got into the escape without falling into the street.
The Professor stated that the number of boys who had been rescued
in the daytime by this machine from houses which were not on fire,
was almost incredible.  Not a conflagration had occurred in the
whole of London for many months past to which the escape had not
been carried on the very next day, and put in action before a
concourse of persons.

'THE PRESIDENT inquired whether there was not some difficulty in
ascertaining which was the top of the machine, and which the
bottom, in cases of pressing emergency.

'PROFESSOR NOGO explained that of course it could not be expected
to act quite as well when there was a fire, as when there was not a
fire; but in the former case he thought it would be of equal
service whether the top were up or down.'


With the last section our correspondent concludes his most able and
faithful Report, which will never cease to reflect credit upon him
for his scientific attainments, and upon us for our enterprising
spirit.  It is needless to take a review of the subjects which have
been discussed; of the mode in which they have been examined; of
the great truths which they have elicited.  They are now before the
world, and we leave them to read, to consider, and to profit.

The place of meeting for next year has undergone discussion, and
has at length been decided, regard being had to, and evidence being
taken upon, the goodness of its wines, the supply of its markets,
the hospitality of its inhabitants, and the quality of its hotels.
We hope at this next meeting our correspondent may again be
present, and that we may be once more the means of placing his
communications before the world.  Until that period we have been
prevailed upon to allow this number of our Miscellany to be
retailed to the public, or wholesaled to the trade, without any
advance upon our usual price.

We have only to add, that the committees are now broken up, and
that Mudfog is once again restored to its accustomed tranquillity,
- that Professors and Members have had balls, and SOIREES, and
suppers, and great mutual complimentations, and have at length
dispersed to their several homes, - whither all good wishes and
joys attend them, until next year!

Signed BOZ.



FULL REPORT OF THE SECOND MEETING OF THE MUDFOG ASSOCIATION FOR THE
ADVANCEMENT OF EVERYTHING



In October last, we did ourselves the immortal credit of recording,
at an enormous expense, and by dint of exertions unnpralleled in
the history of periodical publication, the proceedings of the
Mudfog Association for the Advancement of Everything, which in that
month held its first great half-yearly meeting, to the wonder and
delight of the whole empire.  We announced at the conclusion of
that extraordinary and most remarkable Report, that when the Second
Meeting of the Society should take place, we should be found again
at our post, renewing our gigantic and spirited endeavours, and
once more making the world ring with the accuracy, authenticity,
immeasurable superiority, and intense remarkability of our account
of its proceedings.  In redemption of this pledge, we caused to be
despatched per steam to Oldcastle (at which place this second
meeting of the Society was held on the 20th instant), the same
superhumanly-endowed gentleman who furnished the former report, and
who, - gifted by nature with transcendent abilities, and furnished
by us with a body of assistants scarcely inferior to himself, - has
forwarded a series of letters, which, for faithfulness of
description, power of language, fervour of thought, happiness of
expression, and importance of subject-matter, have no equal in the
epistolary literature of any age or country.  We give this
gentleman's correspondence entire, and in the order in which it
reached our office.

'SALOON OF STEAMER, THURSDAY NIGHT, HALF-PAST EIGHT.

'When I left New Burlington Street this evening in the hackney
cabriolet, number four thousand two hundred and eighty-five, I
experienced sensations as novel as they were oppressive.  A sense
of the importance of the task I had undertaken, a consciousness
that I was leaving London, and, stranger still, going somewhere
else, a feeling of loneliness and a sensation of jolting, quite
bewildered my thoughts, and for a time rendered me even insensible
to the presence of my carpet-bag and hat-box.  I shall ever feel
grateful to the driver of a Blackwall omnibus who, by thrusting the
pole of his vehicle through the small door of the cabriolet,
awakened me from a tumult of imaginings that are wholly
indescribable.  But of such materials is our imperfect nature
composed!

'I am happy to say that I am the first passenger on board, and
shall thus be enabled to give you an account of all that happens in
the order of its occurrence.  The chimney is smoking a good deal,
and so are the crew; and the captain, I am informed, is very drunk
in a little house upon deck, something like a black turnpike.  I
should infer from all I hear that he has got the steam up.

'You will readily guess with what feelings I have just made the
discovery that my berth is in the same closet with those engaged by
Professor Woodensconce, Mr. Slug, and Professor Grime.  Professor
Woodensconce has taken the shelf above me, and Mr. Slug and
Professor Grime the two shelves opposite.  Their luggage has
already arrived.  On Mr. Slug's bed is a long tin tube of about
three inches in diameter, carefully closed at both ends.  What can
this contain?  Some powerful instrument of a new construction,
doubtless.'

'TEN MINUTES PAST NINE.

'Nobody has yet arrived, nor has anything fresh come in my way
except several joints of beef and mutton, from which I conclude
that a good plain dinner has been provided for to-morrow.  There is
a singular smell below, which gave me some uneasiness at first; but
as the steward says it is always there, and never goes away, I am
quite comfortable again.  I learn from this man that the different
sections will be distributed at the Black Boy and Stomach-ache, and
the Boot-jack and Countenance.  If this intelligence be true (and I
have no reason to doubt it), your readers will draw such
conclusions as their different opinions may suggest.

'I write down these remarks as they occur to me, or as the facts
come to my knowledge, in order that my first impressions may lose
nothing of their original vividness.  I shall despatch them in
small packets as opportunities arise.'

'HALF PAST NINE.

'Some dark object has just appeared upon the wharf.  I think it is
a travelling carriage.'

'A QUARTER TO TEN.

'No, it isn't.'

'HALF-PAST TEN.

The passengers are pouring in every instant.  Four omnibuses full
have just arrived upon the wharf, and all is bustle and activity.
The noise and confusion are very great.  Cloths are laid in the
cabins, and the steward is placing blue plates - full of knobs of
cheese at equal distances down the centre of the tables.  He drops
a great many knobs; but, being used to it, picks them up again with
great dexterity, and, after wiping them on his sleeve, throws them
back into the plates.  He is a young man of exceedingly
prepossessing appearance - either dirty or a mulatto, but I think
the former.

'An interesting old gentleman, who came to the wharf in an omnibus,
has just quarrelled violently with the porters, and is staggering
towards the vessel with a large trunk in his arms.  I trust and
hope that he may reach it in safety; but the board he has to cross
is narrow and slippery.  Was that a splash?  Gracious powers!

'I have just returned from the deck.  The trunk is standing upon
the extreme brink of the wharf, but the old gentleman is nowhere to
be seen.  The watchman is not sure whether he went down or not, but
promises to drag for him the first thing to-morrow morning.  May
his humane efforts prove successful!

'Professor Nogo has this moment arrived with his nightcap on under
his hat.  He has ordered a glass of cold brandy and water, with a
hard biscuit and a basin, and has gone straight to bed.  What can
this mean?

'The three other scientific gentlemen to whom I have already
alluded have come on board, and have all tried their beds, with the
exception of Professor Woodensconce, who sleeps in one of the top
ones, and can't get into it.  Mr. Slug, who sleeps in the other top
one, is unable to get out of his, and is to have his supper handed
up by a boy.  I have had the honour to introduce myself to these
gentlemen, and we have amicably arranged the order in which we
shall retire to rest; which it is necessary to agree upon, because,
although the cabin is very comfortable, there is not room for more
than one gentleman to be out of bed at a time, and even he must
take his boots off in the passage.

'As I anticipated, the knobs of cheese were provided for the
passengers' supper, and are now in course of consumption.  Your
readers will be surprised to hear that Professor Woodensconce has
abstained from cheese for eight years, although he takes butter in
considerable quantities.  Professor Grime having lost several
teeth, is unable, I observe, to eat his crusts without previously
soaking them in his bottled porter.  How interesting are these
peculiarities!'

'HALF-PAST ELEVEN.

'Professors Woodensconce and Grime, with a degree of good humour
that delights us all, have just arranged to toss for a bottle of
mulled port.  There has been some discussion whether the payment
should be decided by the first toss or the best out of three.
Eventually the latter course has been determined on.  Deeply do I
wish that both gentlemen could win; but that being impossible, I
own that my personal aspirations (I speak as an individual, and do
not compromise either you or your readers by this expression of
feeling) are with Professor Woodensconce.  I have backed that
gentleman to the amount of eighteenpence.'

'TWENTY MINUTES TO TWELVE.

'Professor Grime has inadvertently tossed his half-crown out of one
of the cabin-windows, and it has been arranged that the steward
shall toss for him.  Bets are offered on any side to any amount,
but there are no takers.

'Professor Woodensconce has just called "woman;" but the coin
having lodged in a beam, is a long time coming down again.  The
interest and suspense of this one moment are beyond anything that
can be imagined.'

'TWELVE O'CLOCK.

'The mulled port is smoking on the table before me, and Professor
Grime has won.  Tossing is a game of chance; but on every ground,
whether of public or private character, intellectual endowments, or
scientific attainments, I cannot help expressing my opinion that
Professor Woodensconce OUGHT to have come off victorious.  There is
an exultation about Professor Grime incompatible, I fear, with true
greatness.'

'A QUARTER PAST TWELVE.

'Professor Grime continues to exult, and to boast of his victory in
no very measured terms, observing that he always does win, and that
he knew it would be a "head" beforehand, with many other remarks of
a similar nature.  Surely this gentleman is not so lost to every
feeling of decency and propriety as not to feel and know the
superiority of Professor Woodensconce?  Is Professor Grime insane?
or does he wish to be reminded in plain language of his true
position in society, and the precise level of his acquirements and
abilities?  Professor Grime will do well to look to this.'

'ONE O'CLOCK.

'I am writing in bed.  The small cabin is illuminated by the feeble
light of a flickering lamp suspended from the ceiling; Professor
Grime is lying on the opposite shelf on the broad of his back, with
his mouth wide open.  The scene is indescribably solemn.  The
rippling of the tide, the noise of the sailors' feet overhead, the
gruff voices on the river, the dogs on the shore, the snoring of
the passengers, and a constant creaking of every plank in the
vessel, are the only sounds that meet the ear.  With these
exceptions, all is profound silence.

'My curiosity has been within the last moment very much excited.
Mr. Slug, who lies above Professor Grime, has cautiously withdrawn
the curtains of his berth, and, after looking anxiously out, as if
to satisfy himself that his companions are asleep, has taken up the
tin tube of which I have before spoken, and is regarding it with
great interest.  What rare mechanical combination can be contained
in that mysterious case?  It is evidently a profound secret to
all.'

'A QUARTER PAST ONE.

'The behaviour of Mr. Slug grows more and more mysterious.  He has
unscrewed the top of the tube, and now renews his observations upon
his companions, evidently to make sure that he is wholly
unobserved.  He is clearly on the eve of some great experiment.
Pray heaven that it be not a dangerous one; but the interests of
science must be promoted, and I am prepared for the worst.'

'FIVE MINUTES LATER.

'He has produced a large pair of scissors, and drawn a roll of some
substance, not unlike parchment in appearance, from the tin case.
The experiment is about to begin.  I must strain my eyes to the
utmost, in the attempt to follow its minutest operation.'

'TWENTY MINUTES BEFORE TWO.

'I have at length been enabled to ascertain that the tin tube
contains a few yards of some celebrated plaster, recommended - as I
discover on regarding the label attentively through my eye-glass -
as a preservative against sea-sickness.  Mr. Slug has cut it up
into small portions, and is now sticking it over himself in every
direction.'

'THREE O'CLOCK.

'Precisely a quarter of an hour ago we weighed anchor, and the
machinery was suddenly put in motion with a noise so appalling,
that Professor Woodensconce (who had ascended to his berth by means
of a platform of carpet-bags arranged by himself on geometrical
principals) darted from his shelf head foremost, and, gaining his
feet with all the rapidity of extreme terror, ran wildly into the
ladies' cabin, under the impression that we were sinking, and
uttering loud cries for aid.  I am assured that the scene which
ensued baffles all description.  There were one hundred and forty-
seven ladies in their respective berths at the time.

'Mr. Slug has remarked, as an additional instance of the extreme
ingenuity of the steam-engine as applied to purposes of navigation,
that in whatever part of the vessel a passenger's berth may be
situated, the machinery always appears to be exactly under his
pillow.  He intends stating this very beautiful, though simple
discovery, to the association.'

'HALF-PAST TEN.

'We are still in smooth water; that is to say, in as smooth water
as a steam-vessel ever can be, for, as Professor Woodensconce (who
has just woke up) learnedly remarks, another great point of
ingenuity about a steamer is, that it always carries a little storm
with it.  You can scarcely conceive how exciting the jerking
pulsation of the ship becomes.  It is a matter of positive
difficulty to get to sleep.'

'FRIDAY AFTERNOON, SIX O'CLOCK.

'I regret to inform you that Mr. Slug's plaster has proved of no
avail.  He is in great agony, but has applied several large,
additional pieces notwithstanding.  How affecting is this extreme
devotion to science and pursuit of knowledge under the most trying
circumstances!

'We were extremely happy this morning, and the breakfast was one of
the most animated description.  Nothing unpleasant occurred until
noon, with the exception of Doctor Foxey's brown silk umbrella and
white hat becoming entangled in the machinery while he was
explaining to a knot of ladies the construction of the steam-
engine.  I fear the gravy soup for lunch was injudicious.  We lost
a great many passengers almost immediately afterwards.'

'HALF-PAST SIX.

'I am again in bed.  Anything so heart-rending as Mr. Slug's
sufferings it has never yet been my lot to witness.'

'SEVEN O'CLOCK.

'A messenger has just come down for a clean pocket-handkerchief
from Professor Woodensconce's bag, that unfortunate gentleman being
quite unable to leave the deck, and imploring constantly to be
thrown overboard.  From this man I understand that Professor Nogo,
though in a state of utter exhaustion, clings feebly to the hard
biscuit and cold brandy and water, under the impression that they
will yet restore him.  Such is the triumph of mind over matter.

'Professor Grime is in bed, to all appearance quite well; but he
WILL eat, and it is disagreeable to see him.  Has this gentleman no
sympathy with the sufferings of his fellow-creatures?  If he has,
on what principle can he call for mutton-chops - and smile?'

'BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE, OLDCASTLE, SATURDAY NOON.

'You will be happy to learn that I have at length arrived here in
safety.  The town is excessively crowded, and all the private
lodgings and hotels are filled with SAVANS of both sexes.  The
tremendous assemblage of intellect that one encounters in every
street is in the last degree overwhelming.

'Notwithstanding the throng of people here, I have been fortunate
enough to meet with very comfortable accommodation on very
reasonable terms, having secured a sofa in the first-floor passage
at one guinea per night, which includes permission to take my meals
in the bar, on condition that I walk about the streets at all other
times, to make room for other gentlemen similarly situated.  I have
been over the outhouses intended to be devoted to the reception of
the various sections, both here and at the Boot-jack and
Countenance, and am much delighted with the arrangements.  Nothing
can exceed the fresh appearance of the saw-dust with which the
floors are sprinkled.  The forms are of unplaned deal, and the
general effect, as you can well imagine, is extremely beautiful.'

'HALF-PAST NINE.

'The number and rapidity of the arrivals are quite bewildering.
Within the last ten minutes a stage-coach has driven up to the
door, filled inside and out with distinguished characters,
comprising Mr. Muddlebranes, Mr. Drawley, Professor Muff, Mr. X.
Misty, Mr. X. X. Misty, Mr. Purblind, Professor Rummun, The
Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, Professor John Ketch, Sir
William Joltered, Doctor Buffer, Mr. Smith (of London), Mr. Brown
(of Edinburgh), Sir Hookham Snivey, and Professor Pumpkinskull.
The ten last-named gentlemen were wet through, and looked extremely
intelligent.'

'SUNDAY, TWO O'CLOCK, P.M.

'The Honourable and Reverend Mr. Long Eers, accompanied by Sir
William Joltered, walked and drove this morning.  They accomplished
the former feat in boots, and the latter in a hired fly.  This has
naturally given rise to much discussion.

'I have just learnt that an interview has taken place at the Boot-
jack and Countenance between Sowster, the active and intelligent
beadle of this place, and Professor Pumpkinskull, who, as your
readers are doubtless aware, is an influential member of the
council.  I forbear to communicate any of the rumours to which this
very extraordinary proceeding has given rise until I have seen
Sowster, and endeavoured to ascertain the truth from him.'

'HALF-PAST SIX.

'I engaged a donkey-chaise shortly after writing the above, and
proceeded at a brisk trot in the direction of Sowster's residence,
passing through a beautiful expanse of country, with red brick
buildings on either side, and stopping in the marketplace to
observe the spot where Mr. Kwakley's hat was blown off yesterday.
It is an uneven piece of paving, but has certainly no appearance
which would lead one to suppose that any such event had recently
occurred there.  From this point I proceeded - passing the gas-
works and tallow-melter's - to a lane which had been pointed out to
me as the beadle's place of residence; and before I had driven a
dozen yards further, I had the good fortune to meet Sowster himself
advancing towards me.

'Sowster is a fat man, with a more enlarged development of that
peculiar conformation of countenance which is vulgarly termed a
double chin than I remember to have ever seen before.  He has also
a very red nose, which he attributes to a habit of early rising -
so red, indeed, that but for this explanation I should have
supposed it to proceed from occasional inebriety.  He informed me
that he did not feel himself at liberty to relate what had passed
between himself and Professor Pumpkinskull, but had no objection to
state that it was connected with a matter of police regulation, and
added with peculiar significance "Never wos sitch times!"

'You will easily believe that this intelligence gave me
considerable surprise, not wholly unmixed with anxiety, and that I
lost no time in waiting on Professor Pumpkinskull, and stating the
object of my visit.  After a few moments' reflection, the
Professor, who, I am bound to say, behaved with the utmost
politeness, openly avowed (I mark the passage in italics) THAT HE
HAD REQUESTED SOWSTER TO ATTEND ON THE MONDAY MORNING AT THE BOOT-
JACK AND COUNTENANCE, TO KEEP OFF THE BOYS; AND THAT HE HAD FURTHER
DESIRED THAT THE UNDER-BEADLE MIGHT BE STATIONED, WITH THE SAME
OBJECT, AT THE BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE!

'Now I leave this unconstitutional proceeding to your comments and
the consideration of your readers.  I have yet to learn that a
beadle, without the precincts of a church, churchyard, or work-
house, and acting otherwise than under the express orders of
churchwardens and overseers in council assembled, to enforce the
law against people who come upon the parish, and other offenders,
has any lawful authority whatever over the rising youth of this
country.  I have yet to learn that a beadle can be called out by
any civilian to exercise a domination and despotism over the boys
of Britain.  I have yet to learn that a beadle will be permitted by
the commissioners of poor law regulation to wear out the soles and
heels of his boots in illegal interference with the liberties of
people not proved poor or otherwise criminal.  I have yet to learn
that a beadle has power to stop up the Queen's highway at his will
and pleasure, or that the whole width of the street is not free and
open to any man, boy, or woman in existence, up to the very walls
of the houses - ay, be they Black Boys and Stomach-aches, or Boot-
jacks and Countenances, I care not.'

'NINE O'CLOCK.

'I have procured a local artist to make a faithful sketch of the
tyrant Sowster, which, as he has acquired this infamous celebrity,
you will no doubt wish to have engraved for the purpose of
presenting a copy with every copy of your next number.  I enclose
it.

[Picture which cannot be reproduced]

The under-beadle has consented to write his life, but it is to be
strictly anonymous.

'The accompanying likeness is of course from the life, and complete
in every respect.  Even if I had been totally ignorant of the man's
real character, and it had been placed before me without remark, I
should have shuddered involuntarily.  There is an intense malignity
of expression in the features, and a baleful ferocity of purpose in
the ruffian's eye, which appals and sickens.  His whole air is
rampant with cruelty, nor is the stomach less characteristic of his
demoniac propensities.'

'MONDAY.

'The great day has at length arrived.  I have neither eyes, nor
ears, nor pens, nor ink, nor paper, for anything but the wonderful
proceedings that have astounded my senses.  Let me collect my
energies and proceed to the account.


'SECTION A. - ZOOLOGY AND BOTANY.
FRONT PARLOUR, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE.


PRESIDENT - Sir William Joltered.  VICE-PRESIDENTS - Mr.
Muddlebranes and Mr. Drawley.

'MR. X. X. MISTY communicated some remarks on the disappearance of
dancing-bears from the streets of London, with observations on the
exhibition of monkeys as connected with barrel-organs.  The writer
had observed, with feelings of the utmost pain and regret, that
some years ago a sudden and unaccountable change in the public
taste took place with reference to itinerant bears, who, being
discountenanced by the populace, gradually fell off one by one from
the streets of the metropolis, until not one remained to create a
taste for natural history in the breasts of the poor and
uninstructed.  One bear, indeed, - a brown and ragged animal, - had
lingered about the haunts of his former triumphs, with a worn and
dejected visage and feeble limbs, and had essayed to wield his
quarter-staff for the amusement of the multitude; but hunger, and
an utter want of any due recompense for his abilities, had at
length driven him from the field, and it was only too probable that
he had fallen a sacrifice to the rising taste for grease.  He
regretted to add that a similar, and no less lamentable, change had
taken place with reference to monkeys.  These delightful animals
had formerly been almost as plentiful as the organs on the tops of
which they were accustomed to sit; the proportion in the year 1829
(it appeared by the parliamentary return) being as one monkey to
three organs.  Owing, however, to an altered taste in musical
instruments, and the substitution, in a great measure, of narrow
boxes of music for organs, which left the monkeys nothing to sit
upon, this source of public amusement was wholly dried up.
Considering it a matter of the deepest importance, in connection
with national education, that the people should not lose such
opportunities of making themselves acquainted with the manners and
customs of two most interesting species of animals, the author
submitted that some measures should be immediately taken for the
restoration of these pleasing and truly intellectual amusements.

'THE PRESIDENT inquired by what means the honourable member
proposed to attain this most desirable end?

'THE AUTHOR submitted that it could be most fully and
satisfactorily accomplished, if Her Majesty's Government would
cause to be brought over to England, and maintained at the public
expense, and for the public amusement, such a number of bears as
would enable every quarter of the town to be visited - say at least
by three bears a week.  No difficulty whatever need be experienced
in providing a fitting place for the reception of these animals, as
a commodious bear-garden could be erected in the immediate
neighbourhood of both Houses of Parliament; obviously the most
proper and eligible spot for such an establishment.

'PROFESSOR MULL doubted very much whether any correct ideas of
natural history were propagated by the means to which the
honourable member had so ably adverted.  On the contrary, he
believed that they had been the means of diffusing very incorrect
and imperfect notions on the subject.  He spoke from personal
observation and personal experience, when he said that many
children of great abilities had been induced to believe, from what
they had observed in the streets, at and before the period to which
the honourable gentleman had referred, that all monkeys were born
in red coats and spangles, and that their hats and feathers also
came by nature.  He wished to know distinctly whether the
honourable gentleman attributed the want of encouragement the bears
had met with to the decline of public taste in that respect, or to
a want of ability on the part of the bears themselves?

'MR. X. X. MISTY replied, that he could not bring himself to
believe but that there must be a great deal of floating talent
among the bears and monkeys generally; which, in the absence of any
proper encouragement, was dispersed in other directions.

'PROFESSOR PUMPKINSKULL wished to take that opportunity of calling
the attention of the section to a most important and serious point.
The author of the treatise just read had alluded to the prevalent
taste for bears'-grease as a means of promoting the growth of hair,
which undoubtedly was diffused to a very great and (as it appeared
to him) very alarming extent.  No gentleman attending that section
could fail to be aware of the fact that the youth of the present
age evinced, by their behaviour in the streets, and at all places
of public resort, a considerable lack of that gallantry and
gentlemanly feeling which, in more ignorant times, had been thought
becoming.  He wished to know whether it were possible that a
constant outward application of bears'-grease by the young
gentlemen about town had imperceptibly infused into those unhappy
persons something of the nature and quality of the bear.  He
shuddered as he threw out the remark; but if this theory, on
inquiry, should prove to be well founded, it would at once explain
a great deal of unpleasant eccentricity of behaviour, which,
without some such discovery, was wholly unaccountable.

'THE PRESIDENT highly complimented the learned gentleman on his
most valuable suggestion, which produced the greatest effect upon
the assembly; and remarked that only a week previous he had seen
some young gentlemen at a theatre eyeing a box of ladies with a
fierce intensity, which nothing but the influence of some brutish
appetite could possibly explain.  It was dreadful to reflect that
our youth were so rapidly verging into a generation of bears.

'After a scene of scientific enthusiasm it was resolved that this
important question should be immediately submitted to the
consideration of the council.

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know whether any gentleman could inform
the section what had become of the dancing-dogs?

'A MEMBER replied, after some hesitation, that on the day after
three glee-singers had been committed to prison as criminals by a
late most zealous police-magistrate of the metropolis, the dogs had
abandoned their professional duties, and dispersed themselves in
different quarters of the town to gain a livelihood by less
dangerous means.  He was given to understand that since that period
they had supported themselves by lying in wait for and robbing
blind men's poodles.

'MR. FLUMMERY exhibited a twig, claiming to be a veritable branch
of that noble tree known to naturalists as the SHAKSPEARE, which
has taken root in every land and climate, and gathered under the
shade of its broad green boughs the great family of mankind.  The
learned gentleman remarked that the twig had been undoubtedly
called by other names in its time; but that it had been pointed out
to him by an old lady in Warwickshire, where the great tree had
grown, as a shoot of the genuine SHAKSPEARE, by which name he
begged to introduce it to his countrymen.

'THE PRESIDENT wished to know what botanical definition the
honourable gentleman could afford of the curiosity.

'MR. FLUMMERY expressed his opinion that it was A DECIDED PLANT.


'SECTION B. - DISPLAY OF MODELS AND MECHANICAL SCIENCE.
LARGE ROOM, BOOT-JACK AND COUNTENANCE.


PRESIDENT - Mr. Mallett.  VICE-PRESIDENTS - Messrs. Leaver and
Scroo.

'MR. CRINKLES exhibited a most beautiful and delicate machine, of
little larger size than an ordinary snuff-box, manufactured
entirely by himself, and composed exclusively of steel, by the aid
of which more pockets could be picked in one hour than by the
present slow and tedious process in four-and-twenty.  The inventor
remarked that it had been put into active operation in Fleet
Street, the Strand, and other thoroughfares, and had never been
once known to fail.

'After some slight delay, occasioned by the various members of the
section buttoning their pockets,

'THE PRESIDENT narrowly inspected the invention, and declared that
he had never seen a machine of more beautiful or exquisite
construction.  Would the inventor be good enough to inform the
section whether he had taken any and what means for bringing it
into general operation?

'MR. CRINKLES stated that, after encountering some preliminary
difficulties, he had succeeded in putting himself in communication
with Mr. Fogle Hunter, and other gentlemen connected with the swell
mob, who had awarded the invention the very highest and most
unqualified approbation.  He regretted to say, however, that these
distinguished practitioners, in common with a gentleman of the name
of Gimlet-eyed Tommy, and other members of a secondary grade of the
profession whom he was understood to represent, entertained an
insuperable objection to its being brought into general use, on the
ground that it would have the inevitable effect of almost entirely
superseding manual labour, and throwing a great number of highly-
deserving persons out of employment.

'THE PRESIDENT hoped that no such fanciful objections would be
allowed to stand in the way of such a great public improvement.

'MR. CRINKLES hoped so too; but he feared that if the gentlemen of
the swell mob persevered in their objection, nothing could be done.

'PROFESSOR GRIME suggested, that surely, in that case, Her
Majesty's Government might be prevailed upon to take it up.

'MR. CRINKLES said, that if the objection were found to be
insuperable he should apply to Parliament, which he thought could
not fail to recognise the utility of the invention.

'THE PRESIDENT observed that, up to this time Parliament had
certainly got on very well without it; but, as they did their
business on a very large scale, he had no doubt they would gladly
adopt the improvement.  His only fear was that the machine might be
worn out by constant working.

'MR. COPPERNOSE called the attention of the section to a
proposition of great magnitude and interest, illustrated by a vast
number of models, and stated with much clearness and perspicuity in
a treatise entitled "Practical Suggestions on the necessity of
providing some harmless and wholesome relaxation for the young
noblemen of England."  His proposition was, that a space of ground
of not less than ten miles in length and four in breadth should be
purchased by a new company, to be incorporated by Act of
Parliament, and inclosed by a brick wall of not less than twelve
feet in height.  He proposed that it should be laid out with
highway roads, turnpikes, bridges, miniature villages, and every
object that could conduce to the comfort and glory of Four-in-hand
Clubs, so that they might be fairly presumed to require no drive
beyond it.  This delightful retreat would be fitted up with most
commodious and extensive stables, for the convenience of such of
the nobility and gentry as had a taste for ostlering, and with
houses of entertainment furnished in the most expensive and
handsome style.  It would be further provided with whole streets of
door-knockers and bell-handles of extra size, so constructed that
they could be easily wrenched off at night, and regularly screwed
on again, by attendants provided for the purpose, every day.  There
would also be gas lamps of real glass, which could be broken at a
comparatively small expense per dozen, and a broad and handsome
foot pavement for gentlemen to drive their cabriolets upon when
they were humorously disposed - for the full enjoyment of which
feat live pedestrians would be procured from the workhouse at a
very small charge per head.  The place being inclosed, and
carefully screened from the intrusion of the public, there would be
no objection to gentlemen laying aside any article of their costume
that was considered to interfere with a pleasant frolic, or,
indeed, to their walking about without any costume at all, if they
liked that better.  In short, every facility of enjoyment would be
afforded that the most gentlemanly person could possibly desire.
But as even these advantages would be incomplete unless there were
some means provided of enabling the nobility and gentry to display
their prowess when they sallied forth after dinner, and as some
inconvenience might be experienced in the event of their being
reduced to the necessity of pummelling each other, the inventor had
turned his attention to the construction of an entirely new police
force, composed exclusively of automaton figures, which, with the
assistance of the ingenious Signor Gagliardi, of Windmill-street,
in the Haymarket, he had succeeded in making with such nicety, that
a policeman, cab-driver, or old woman, made upon the principle of
the models exhibited, would walk about until knocked down like any
real man; nay, more, if set upon and beaten by six or eight
noblemen or gentlemen, after it was down, the figure would utter
divers groans, mingled with entreaties for mercy, thus rendering
the illusion complete, and the enjoyment perfect.  But the
invention did not stop even here; for station-houses would be
built, containing good beds for noblemen and gentlemen during the
night, and in the morning they would repair to a commodious police
office, where a pantomimic investigation would take place before
the automaton magistrates, - quite equal to life, - who would fine
them in so many counters, with which they would be previously
provided for the purpose.  This office would be furnished with an
inclined plane, for the convenience of any nobleman or gentleman
who might wish to bring in his horse as a witness; and the
prisoners would be at perfect liberty, as they were now, to
interrupt the complainants as much as they pleased, and to make any
remarks that they thought proper.  The charge for these amusements
would amount to very little more than they already cost, and the
inventor submitted that the public would be much benefited and
comforted by the proposed arrangement.

'PROFESSOR NOGO wished to be informed what amount of automaton
police force it was proposed to raise in the first instance.

'MR. COPPERNOSE replied, that it was proposed to begin with seven
divisions of police of a score each, lettered from A to G
inclusive.  It was proposed that not more than half this number
should be placed on active duty, and that the remainder should be
kept on shelves in the police office ready to be called out at a
moment's notice.

'THE PRESIDENT, awarding the utmost merit to the ingenious
gentleman who had originated the idea, doubted whether the
automaton police would quite answer the purpose.  He feared that
noblemen and gentlemen would perhaps require the excitement of
thrashing living subjects.

'MR. COPPERNOSE submitted, that as the usual odds in such cases
were ten noblemen or gentlemen to one policeman or cab-driver, it
could make very little difference in point of excitement whether
the policeman or cab-driver were a man or a block.  The great
advantage would be, that a policeman's limbs might be all knocked
off, and yet he would be in a condition to do duty next day.  He
might even give his evidence next morning with his head in his
hand, and give it equally well.

'PROFESSOR MUFF. - Will you allow me to ask you, sir, of what
materials it is intended that the magistrates' heads shall be
composed?

'MR. COPPERNOSE. - The magistrates will have wooden heads of
course, and they will be made of the toughest and thickest
materials that can possibly be obtained.

'PROFESSOR MUFF. - I am quite satisfied.  This is a great
invention.

'PROFESSOR NOGO. - I see but one objection to it.  It appears to me
that the magistrates ought to talk.

'MR. COPPERNOSE no sooner heard this suggestion than he touched a
small spring in each of the two models of magistrates which were
placed upon the table; one of the figures immediately began to
exclaim with great volubility that he was sorry to see gentlemen in
such a situation, and the other to express a fear that the
policeman was intoxicated.

'The section, as with one accord, declared with a shout of applause
that the invention was complete; and the President, much excited,
retired with Mr. Coppernose to lay it before the council.  On his
return,

'MR. TICKLE displayed his newly-invented spectacles, which enabled
the wearer to discern, in very bright colours, objects at a great
distance, and rendered him wholly blind to those immediately before
him.  It was, he said, a most valuable and useful invention, based
strictly upon the principle of the human eye.

'THE PRESIDENT required some information upon this point.  He had
yet to learn that the human eye was remarkable for the
peculiarities of which the honourable gentleman had spoken.

'MR. TICKLE was rather astonished to hear this, when the President
could not fail to be aware that a large number of most excellent
persons and great statesmen could see, with the naked eye, most
marvellous horrors on West India plantations, while they could
discern nothing whatever in the interior of Manchester cotton
mills.  He must know, too, with what quickness of perception most
people could discover their neighbour's faults, and how very blind
they were to their own.  If the President differed from the great
majority of men in this respect, his eye was a defective one, and
it was to assist his vision that these glasses were made.

'MR. BLANK exhibited a model of a fashionable annual, composed of
copper-plates, gold leaf, and silk boards, and worked entirely by
milk and water.

'MR. PROSEE, after examining the machine, declared it to be so
ingeniously composed, that he was wholly unable to discover how it
went on at all.

'MR. BLANK. - Nobody can, and that is the beauty of it.


'SECTION C. - ANATOMY AND MEDICINE.
BAR ROOM, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE.


PRESIDENT - Dr. Soemup.  VICE-PRESIDENTS - Messrs. Pessell and
Mortair.

'DR. GRUMMIDGE stated to the section a most interesting case of
monomania, and described the course of treatment he had pursued
with perfect success.  The patient was a married lady in the middle
rank of life, who, having seen another lady at an evening party in
a full suit of pearls, was suddenly seized with a desire to possess
a similar equipment, although her husband's finances were by no
means equal to the necessary outlay.  Finding her wish ungratified,
she fell sick, and the symptoms soon became so alarming, that he
(Dr. Grummidge) was called in.  At this period the prominent tokens
of the disorder were sullenness, a total indisposition to perform
domestic duties, great peevishness, and extreme languor, except
when pearls were mentioned, at which times the pulse quickened, the
eyes grew brighter, the pupils dilated, and the patient, after
various incoherent exclamations, burst into a passion of tears, and
exclaimed that nobody cared for her, and that she wished herself
dead.  Finding that the patient's appetite was affected in the
presence of company, he began by ordering a total abstinence from
all stimulants, and forbidding any sustenance but weak gruel; he
then took twenty ounces of blood, applied a blister under each ear,
one upon the chest, and another on the back; having done which, and
administered five grains of calomel, he left the patient to her
repose.  The next day she was somewhat low, but decidedly better,
and all appearances of irritation were removed.  The next day she
improved still further, and on the next again.  On the fourth there
was some appearance of a return of the old symptoms, which no
sooner developed themselves, than he administered another dose of
calomel, and left strict orders that, unless a decidedly favourable
change occurred within two hours, the patient's head should be
immediately shaved to the very last curl.  From that moment she
began to mend, and, in less than four-and-twenty hours was
perfectly restored.  She did not now betray the least emotion at
the sight or mention of pearls or any other ornaments.  She was
cheerful and good-humoured, and a most beneficial change had been
effected in her whole temperament and condition.

'MR. PIPKIN (M.R.C.S.) read a short but most interesting
communication in which he sought to prove the complete belief of
Sir William Courtenay, otherwise Thorn, recently shot at
Canterbury, in the Homoeopathic system.  The section would bear in
mind that one of the Homoeopathic doctrines was, that infinitesimal
doses of any medicine which would occasion the disease under which
the patient laboured, supposing him to be in a healthy state, would
cure it.  Now, it was a remarkable circumstance - proved in the
evidence - that the deceased Thorn employed a woman to follow him
about all day with a pail of water, assuring her that one drop (a
purely homoeopathic remedy, the section would observe), placed upon
his tongue, after death, would restore him.  What was the obvious
inference?  That Thorn, who was marching and countermarching in
osier beds, and other swampy places, was impressed with a
presentiment that he should be drowned; in which case, had his
instructions been complied with, he could not fail to have been
brought to life again instantly by his own prescription.  As it
was, if this woman, or any other person, had administered an
infinitesimal dose of lead and gunpowder immediately after he fell,
he would have recovered forthwith.  But unhappily the woman
concerned did not possess the power of reasoning by analogy, or
carrying out a principle, and thus the unfortunate gentleman had
been sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry.


'SECTION D. - STATISTICS.
OUT-HOUSE, BLACK BOY AND STOMACH-ACHE.

PRESIDENT - Mr. Slug.  VICE-PRESIDENTS - Messrs. Noakes and Styles.

'MR. KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statistical
inquiries relative to the difference between the value of the
qualification of several members of Parliament as published to the
world, and its real nature and amount.  After reminding the section
that every member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposed
to possess a clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per
annum, the honourable gentleman excited great amusement and
laughter by stating the exact amount of freehold property possessed
by a column of legislators, in which he had included himself.  It
appeared from this table, that the amount of such income possessed
by each was 0 pounds, 0 shillings, and 0 pence, yielding an average
of the same. (Great laughter.)  It was pretty well known that there
were accommodating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing new members
with temporary qualifications, to the ownership of which they swore
solemnly - of course as a mere matter of form.  He argued from
these DATA that it was wholly unnecessary for members of Parliament
to possess any property at all, especially as when they had none
the public could get them so much cheaper.


'SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION, E. - UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCHWATERISICS.


PRESIDENT - Mr. Grub.  VICE PRESIDENTS - Messrs. Dull and Dummy.

'A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony with
one eye, which had been seen by the author standing in a butcher's
cart at the corner of Newgate Market.  The communication described
the author of the paper as having, in the prosecution of a
mercantile pursuit, betaken himself one Saturday morning last
summer from Somers Town to Cheapside; in the course of which
expedition he had beheld the extraordinary appearance above
described.  The pony had one distinct eye, and it had been pointed
out to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore, of the Horse Marines,
who assisted the author in his search, that whenever he winked this
eye he whisked his tail (possibly to drive the flies off), but that
he always winked and whisked at the same time.  The animal was
lean, spavined, and tottering; and the author proposed to
constitute it of the family of FITFORDOGSMEATAURIOUS.  It certainly
did occur to him that there was no case on record of a pony with
one clearly-defined and distinct organ of vision, winking and
whisking at the same moment.

'MR. Q. J. SNUFFLETOFFLE had heard of a pony winking his eye, and
likewise of a pony whisking his tail, but whether they were two
ponies or the same pony he could not undertake positively to say.
At all events, he was acquainted with no authenticated instance of
a simultaneous winking and whisking, and he really could not but
doubt the existence of such a marvellous pony in opposition to all
those natural laws by which ponies were governed.  Referring,
however, to the mere question of his one organ of vision, might he
suggest the possibility of this pony having been literally half
asleep at the time he was seen, and having closed only one eye.

'THE PRESIDENT observed that, whether the pony was half asleep or
fast asleep, there could be no doubt that the association was wide
awake, and therefore that they had better get the business over,
and go to dinner.  He had certainly never seen anything analogous
to this pony, but he was not prepared to doubt its existence; for
he had seen many queerer ponies in his time, though he did not
pretend to have seen any more remarkable donkeys than the other
gentlemen around him.

'PROFESSOR JOHN KETCH was then called upon to exhibit the skull of
the late Mr. Greenacre, which he produced from a blue bag,
remarking, on being invited to make any observations that occurred
to him, "that he'd pound it as that 'ere 'spectable section had
never seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos."

'A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued;
and, some difference of opinion arising respecting the real
character of the deceased gentleman, Mr. Blubb delivered a lecture
upon the cranium before him, clearly showing that Mr. Greenacre
possessed the organ of destructiveness to a most unusual extent,
with a most remarkable development of the organ of carveativeness.
Sir Hookham Snivey was proceeding to combat this opinion, when
Professor Ketch suddenly interrupted the proceedings by exclaiming,
with great excitement of manner, "Walker!"

'THE PRESIDENT begged to call the learned gentleman to order.

'PROFESSOR KETCH. - "Order be blowed! you've got the wrong un, I
tell you.  It ain't no 'ed at all; it's a coker-nut as my brother-
in-law has been a-carvin', to hornament his new baked tatur-stall
wots a-comin' down 'ere vile the 'sociation's in the town.  Hand
over, vill you?"

'With these words, Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself of
the cocoa-nut, and drew forth the skull, in mistake for which he
had exhibited it.  A most interesting conversation ensued; but as
there appeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr.
Greenacre's, or a hospital patient's, or a pauper's, or a man's, or
a woman's, or a monkey's, no particular result was obtained.'


'I cannot,' says our talented correspondent in conclusion, 'I
cannot close my account of these gigantic researches and sublime
and noble triumphs without repeating a BON MOT of Professor
Woodensconce's, which shows how the greatest minds may occasionally
unbend when truth can be presented to listening ears, clothed in an
attractive and playful form.  I was standing by, when, after a week
of feasting and feeding, that learned gentleman, accompanied by the
whole body of wonderful men, entered the hall yesterday, where a
sumptuous dinner was prepared; where the richest wines sparkled on
the board, and fat bucks - propitiatory sacrifices to learning -
sent forth their savoury odours.  "Ah!" said Professor
Woodensconce, rubbing his hands, "this is what we meet for; this is
what inspires us; this is what keeps us together, and beckons us
onward; this is the SPREAD of science, and a glorious spread it
is."'




THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE




Before we plunge headlong into this paper, let us at once confess
to a fondness for pantomimes - to a gentle sympathy with clowns and
pantaloons - to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and
columbines - to a chaste delight in every action of their brief
existence, varied and many-coloured as those actions are, and
inconsistent though they occasionally be with those rigid and
formal rules of propriety which regulate the proceedings of meaner
and less comprehensive minds.  We revel in pantomimes - not because
they dazzle one's eyes with tinsel and gold leaf; not because they
present to us, once again, the well-beloved chalked faces, and
goggle eyes of our childhood; not even because, like Christmas-day,
and Twelfth-night, and Shrove-Tuesday, and one's own birthday, they
come to us but once a year; - our attachment is founded on a graver
and a very different reason.  A pantomime is to us, a mirror of
life; nay, more, we maintain that it is so to audiences generally,
although they are not aware of it, and that this very circumstance
is the secret cause of their amusement and delight.

Let us take a slight example.  The scene is a street:  an elderly
gentleman, with a large face and strongly marked features, appears.
His countenance beams with a sunny smile, and a perpetual dimple is
on his broad, red cheek.  He is evidently an opulent elderly
gentleman, comfortable in circumstances, and well-to-do in the
world.  He is not unmindful of the adornment of his person, for he
is richly, not to say gaudily, dressed; and that he indulges to a
reasonable extent in the pleasures of the table may be inferred
from the joyous and oily manner in which he rubs his stomach, by
way of informing the audience that he is going home to dinner.  In
the fulness of his heart, in the fancied security of wealth, in the
possession and enjoyment of all the good things of life, the
elderly gentleman suddenly loses his footing, and stumbles.  How
the audience roar!  He is set upon by a noisy and officious crowd,
who buffet and cuff him unmercifully.  They scream with delight!
Every time the elderly gentleman struggles to get up, his
relentless persecutors knock him down again.  The spectators are
convulsed with merriment!  And when at last the elderly gentleman
does get up, and staggers away, despoiled of hat, wig, and
clothing, himself battered to pieces, and his watch and money gone,
they are exhausted with laughter, and express their merriment and
admiration in rounds of applause.

Is this like life?  Change the scene to any real street; - to the
Stock Exchange, or the City banker's; the merchant's counting-
house, or even the tradesman's shop.  See any one of these men
fall, - the more suddenly, and the nearer the zenith of his pride
and riches, the better.  What a wild hallo is raised over his
prostrate carcase by the shouting mob; how they whoop and yell as
he lies humbled beneath them!  Mark how eagerly they set upon him
when he is down; and how they mock and deride him as he slinks
away.  Why, it is the pantomime to the very letter.

Of all the pantomimic DRAMATIS PERSONAE, we consider the pantaloon
the most worthless and debauched.  Independent of the dislike one
naturally feels at seeing a gentleman of his years engaged in
pursuits highly unbecoming his gravity and time of life, we cannot
conceal from ourselves the fact that he is a treacherous, worldly-
minded old villain, constantly enticing his younger companion, the
clown, into acts of fraud or petty larceny, and generally standing
aside to watch the result of the enterprise.  If it be successful,
he never forgets to return for his share of the spoil; but if it
turn out a failure, he generally retires with remarkable caution
and expedition, and keeps carefully aloof until the affair has
blown over.  His amorous propensities, too, are eminently
disagreeable; and his mode of addressing ladies in the open street
at noon-day is down-right improper, being usually neither more nor
less than a perceptible tickling of the aforesaid ladies in the
waist, after committing which, he starts back, manifestly ashamed
(as well he may be) of his own indecorum and temerity; continuing,
nevertheless, to ogle and beckon to them from a distance in a very
unpleasant and immoral manner.

Is there any man who cannot count a dozen pantaloons in his own
social circle?  Is there any man who has not seen them swarming at
the west end of the town on a sunshiny day or a summer's evening,
going through the last-named pantomimic feats with as much
liquorish energy, and as total an absence of reserve, as if they
were on the very stage itself?  We can tell upon our fingers a
dozen pantaloons of our acquaintance at this moment - capital
pantaloons, who have been performing all kinds of strange freaks,
to the great amusement of their friends and acquaintance, for years
past; and who to this day are making such comical and ineffectual
attempts to be young and dissolute, that all beholders are like to
die with laughter.

Take that old gentleman who has just emerged from the CAFE DE
L'EUROPE in the Haymarket, where he has been dining at the expense
of the young man upon town with whom he shakes hands as they part
at the door of the tavern.  The affected warmth of that shake of
the hand, the courteous nod, the obvious recollection of the
dinner, the savoury flavour of which still hangs upon his lips, are
all characteristics of his great prototype.  He hobbles away
humming an opera tune, and twirling his cane to and fro, with
affected carelessness.  Suddenly he stops - 'tis at the milliner's
window.  He peeps through one of the large panes of glass; and, his
view of the ladies within being obstructed by the India shawls,
directs his attentions to the young girl with the band-box in her
hand, who is gazing in at the window also.  See! he draws beside
her.  He coughs; she turns away from him.  He draws near her again;
she disregards him.  He gleefully chucks her under the chin, and,
retreating a few steps, nods and beckons with fantastic grimaces,
while the girl bestows a contemptuous and supercilious look upon
his wrinkled visage.  She turns away with a flounce, and the old
gentleman trots after her with a toothless chuckle. The pantaloon
to the life!

 But the close resemblance which the clowns of the stage bear to
those of every-day life is perfectly extraordinary.  Some people
talk with a sigh of the decline of pantomime, and murmur in low and
dismal tones the name of Grimaldi.  We mean no disparagement to the
worthy and excellent old man when we say that this is downright
nonsense.  Clowns that beat Grimaldi all to nothing turn up every
day, and nobody patronizes them - more's the pity!

'I know who you mean,' says some dirty-faced patron of Mr.
Osbaldistone's, laying down the Miscellany when he has got thus
far, and bestowing upon vacancy a most knowing glance; 'you mean C.
J. Smith as did Guy Fawkes, and George Barnwell at the Garden.'
The dirty-faced gentleman has hardly uttered the words, when he is
interrupted by a young gentleman in no shirt-collar and a Petersham
coat.  'No, no,' says the young gentleman; 'he means Brown, King,
and Gibson, at the 'Delphi.'  Now, with great deference both to the
first-named gentleman with the dirty face, and the last-named
gentleman in the non-existing shirt-collar, we do NOT mean either
the performer who so grotesquely burlesqued the Popish conspirator,
or the three unchangeables who have been dancing the same dance
under different imposing titles, and doing the same thing under
various high-sounding names for some five or six years last past.
We have no sooner made this avowal, than the public, who have
hitherto been silent witnesses of the dispute, inquire what on
earth it is we DO mean; and, with becoming respect, we proceed to
tell them.

It is very well known to all playgoers and pantomime-seers, that
the scenes in which a theatrical clown is at the very height of his
glory are those which are described in the play-bills as
'Cheesemonger's shop and Crockery warehouse,' or 'Tailor's shop,
and Mrs. Queertable's boarding-house,' or places bearing some such
title, where the great fun of the thing consists in the hero's
taking lodgings which he has not the slightest intention of paying
for, or obtaining goods under false pretences, or abstracting the
stock-in-trade of the respectable shopkeeper next door, or robbing
warehouse porters as they pass under his window, or, to shorten the
catalogue, in his swindling everybody he possibly can, it only
remaining to be observed that, the more extensive the swindling is,
and the more barefaced the impudence of the swindler, the greater
the rapture and ecstasy of the audience.  Now it is a most
remarkable fact that precisely this sort of thing occurs in real
life day after day, and nobody sees the humour of it.  Let us
illustrate our position by detailing the plot of this portion of
the pantomime - not of the theatre, but of life.

The Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, attended by his livery
servant Do'em - a most respectable servant to look at, who has
grown grey in the service of the captain's family - views, treats
for, and ultimately obtains possession of, the unfurnished house,
such a number, such a street.  All the tradesmen in the
neighbourhood are in agonies of competition for the captain's
custom; the captain is a good-natured, kind-hearted, easy man, and,
to avoid being the cause of disappointment to any, he most
handsomely gives orders to all.  Hampers of wine, baskets of
provisions, cart-loads of furniture, boxes of jewellery, supplies
of luxuries of the costliest description, flock to the house of the
Honourable Captain Fitz-Whisker Fiercy, where they are received
with the utmost readiness by the highly respectable Do'em; while
the captain himself struts and swaggers about with that compound
air of conscious superiority and general blood-thirstiness which a
military captain should always, and does most times, wear, to the
admiration and terror of plebeian men.  But the tradesmen's backs
are no sooner turned, than the captain, with all the eccentricity
of a mighty mind, and assisted by the faithful Do'em, whose devoted
fidelity is not the least touching part of his character, disposes
of everything to great advantage; for, although the articles fetch
small sums, still they are sold considerably above cost price, the
cost to the captain having been nothing at all.  After various
manoeuvres, the imposture is discovered, Fitz-Fiercy and Do'em are
recognized as confederates, and the police office to which they are
both taken is thronged with their dupes.

Who can fail to recognize in this, the exact counterpart of the
best portion of a theatrical pantomime - Fitz-Whisker Fiercy by the
clown; Do'em by the pantaloon; and supernumeraries by the
tradesmen?  The best of the joke, too, is, that the very coal-
merchant who is loudest in his complaints against the person who
defrauded him, is the identical man who sat in the centre of the
very front row of the pit last night and laughed the most
boisterously at this very same thing, - and not so well done
either.  Talk of Grimaldi, we say again!  Did Grimaldi, in his best
days, ever do anything in this way equal to Da Costa?

The mention of this latter justly celebrated clown reminds us of
his last piece of humour, the fraudulently obtaining certain
stamped acceptances from a young gentleman in the army.  We had
scarcely laid down our pen to contemplate for a few moments this
admirable actor's performance of that exquisite practical joke,
than a new branch of our subject flashed suddenly upon us.  So we
take it up again at once.

All people who have been behind the scenes, and most people who
have been before them, know, that in the representation of a
pantomime, a good many men are sent upon the stage for the express
purpose of being cheated, or knocked down, or both.  Now, down to a
moment ago, we had never been able to understand for what possible
purpose a great number of odd, lazy, large-headed men, whom one is
in the habit of meeting here, and there, and everywhere, could ever
have been created.  We see it all, now.  They are the
supernumeraries in the pantomime of life; the men who have been
thrust into it, with no other view than to be constantly tumbling
over each other, and running their heads against all sorts of
strange things.  We sat opposite to one of these men at a supper-
table, only last week.  Now we think of it, he was exactly like the
gentlemen with the pasteboard heads and faces, who do the
corresponding business in the theatrical pantomimes; there was the
same broad stolid simper - the same dull leaden eye - the same
unmeaning, vacant stare; and whatever was said, or whatever was
done, he always came in at precisely the wrong place, or jostled
against something that he had not the slightest business with.  We
looked at the man across the table again and again; and could not
satisfy ourselves what race of beings to class him with.  How very
odd that this never occurred to us before!

We will frankly own that we have been much troubled with the
harlequin.  We see harlequins of so many kinds in the real living
pantomime, that we hardly know which to select as the proper fellow
of him of the theatres.  At one time we were disposed to think that
the harlequin was neither more nor less than a young man of family
and independent property, who had run away with an opera-dancer,
and was fooling his life and his means away in light and trivial
amusements.  On reflection, however, we remembered that harlequins
are occasionally guilty of witty, and even clever acts, and we are
rather disposed to acquit our young men of family and independent
property, generally speaking, of any such misdemeanours.  On a more
mature consideration of the subject, we have arrived at the
conclusion that the harlequins of life are just ordinary men, to be
found in no particular walk or degree, on whom a certain station,
or particular conjunction of circumstances, confers the magic wand.
And this brings us to a few words on the pantomime of public and
political life, which we shall say at once, and then conclude -
merely premising in this place that we decline any reference
whatever to the columbine, being in no wise satisfied of the nature
of her connection with her parti-coloured lover, and not feeling by
any means clear that we should be justified in introducing her to
the virtuous and respectable ladies who peruse our lucubrations.

We take it that the commencement of a Session of Parliament is
neither more nor less than the drawing up of the curtain for a
grand comic pantomime, and that his Majesty's most gracious speech
on the opening thereof may be not inaptly compared to the clown's
opening speech of 'Here we are!'  'My lords and gentlemen, here we
are!' appears, to our mind at least, to be a very good abstract of
the point and meaning of the propitiatory address of the ministry.
When we remember how frequently this speech is made, immediately
after THE CHANGE too, the parallel is quite perfect, and still more
singular.

Perhaps the cast of our political pantomime never was richer than
at this day.  We are particularly strong in clowns.  At no former
time, we should say, have we had such astonishing tumblers, or
performers so ready to go through the whole of their feats for the
amusement of an admiring throng.  Their extreme readiness to
exhibit, indeed, has given rise to some ill-natured reflections; it
having been objected that by exhibiting gratuitously through the
country when the theatre is closed, they reduce themselves to the
level of mountebanks, and thereby tend to degrade the
respectability of the profession.  Certainly Grimaldi never did
this sort of thing; and though Brown, King, and Gibson have gone to
the Surrey in vacation time, and Mr. C. J. Smith has ruralised at
Sadler's Wells, we find no theatrical precedent for a general
tumbling through the country, except in the gentleman, name
unknown, who threw summersets on behalf of the late Mr. Richardson,
and who is no authority either, because he had never been on the
regular boards.

But, laying aside this question, which after all is a mere matter
of taste, we may reflect with pride and gratification of heart on
the proficiency of our clowns as exhibited in the season.  Night
after night will they twist and tumble about, till two, three, and
four o'clock in the morning; playing the strangest antics, and
giving each other the funniest slaps on the face that can possibly
be imagined, without evincing the smallest tokens of fatigue.  The
strange noises, the confusion, the shouting and roaring, amid which
all this is done, too, would put to shame the most turbulent
sixpenny gallery that ever yelled through a boxing-night.

It is especially curious to behold one of these clowns compelled to
go through the most surprising contortions by the irresistible
influence of the wand of office, which his leader or harlequin
holds above his head.  Acted upon by this wonderful charm he will
become perfectly motionless, moving neither hand, foot, nor finger,
and will even lose the faculty of speech at an instant's notice; or
on the other hand, he will become all life and animation if
required, pouring forth a torrent of words without sense or
meaning, throwing himself into the wildest and most fantastic
contortions, and even grovelling on the earth and licking up the
dust.  These exhibitions are more curious than pleasing; indeed,
they are rather disgusting than otherwise, except to the admirers
of such things, with whom we confess we have no fellow-feeling.

Strange tricks - very strange tricks - are also performed by the
harlequin who holds for the time being the magic wand which we have
just mentioned.  The mere waving it before a man's eyes will
dispossess his brains of all the notions previously stored there,
and fill it with an entirely new set of ideas; one gentle tap on
the back will alter the colour of a man's coat completely; and
there are some expert performers, who, having this wand held first
on one side and then on the other, will change from side to side,
turning their coats at every evolution, with so much rapidity and
dexterity, that the quickest eye can scarcely detect their motions.
Occasionally, the genius who confers the wand, wrests it from the
hand of the temporary possessor, and consigns it to some new
performer; on which occasions all the characters change sides, and
then the race and the hard knocks begin anew.

We might have extended this chapter to a much greater length - we
might have carried the comparison into the liberal professions - we
might have shown, as was in fact our original purpose, that each is
in itself a little pantomime with scenes and characters of its own,
complete; but, as we fear we have been quite lengthy enough
already, we shall leave this chapter just where it is.  A
gentleman, not altogether unknown as a dramatic poet, wrote thus a
year or two ago -


'All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:'


and we, tracking out his footsteps at the scarcely-worth-mentioning
little distance of a few millions of leagues behind, venture to
add, by way of new reading, that he meant a Pantomime, and that we
are all actors in The Pantomime of Life.



SOME PARTICULARS CONCERNING A LION



We have a great respect for lions in the abstract.  In common with
most other people, we have heard and read of many instances of
their bravery and generosity.  We have duly admired that heroic
self-denial and charming philanthropy which prompts them never to
eat people except when they are hungry, and we have been deeply
impressed with a becoming sense of the politeness they are said to
display towards unmarried ladies of a certain state.  All natural
histories teem with anecdotes illustrative of their excellent
qualities; and one old spelling-book in particular recounts a
touching instance of an old lion, of high moral dignity and stern
principle, who felt it his imperative duty to devour a young man
who had contracted a habit of swearing, as a striking example to
the rising generation.

All this is extremely pleasant to reflect upon, and, indeed, says a
very great deal in favour of lions as a mass.  We are bound to
state, however, that such individual lions as we have happened to
fall in with have not put forth any very striking characteristics,
and have not acted up to the chivalrous character assigned them by
their chroniclers.  We never saw a lion in what is called his
natural state, certainly; that is to say, we have never met a lion
out walking in a forest, or crouching in his lair under a tropical
sun, waiting till his dinner should happen to come by, hot from the
baker's.  But we have seen some under the influence of captivity,
and the pressure of misfortune; and we must say that they appeared
to us very apathetic, heavy-headed fellows.

The lion at the Zoological Gardens, for instance.  He is all very
well; he has an undeniable mane, and looks very fierce; but, Lord
bless us! what of that?  The lions of the fashionable world look
just as ferocious, and are the most harmless creatures breathing.
A box-lobby lion or a Regent-street animal will put on a most
terrible aspect, and roar, fearfully, if you affront him; but he
will never bite, and, if you offer to attack him manfully, will
fairly turn tail and sneak off.  Doubtless these creatures roam
about sometimes in herds, and, if they meet any especially meek-
looking and peaceably-disposed fellow, will endeavour to frighten
him; but the faintest show of a vigorous resistance is sufficient
to scare them even then.  These are pleasant characteristics,
whereas we make it matter of distinct charge against the Zoological
lion and his brethren at the fairs, that they are sleepy, dreamy,
sluggish quadrupeds.

We do not remember to have ever seen one of them perfectly awake,
except at feeding-time.  In every respect we uphold the biped lions
against their four-footed namesakes, and we boldly challenge
controversy upon the subject.

With these opinions it may be easily imagined that our curiosity
and interest were very much excited the other day, when a lady of
our acquaintance called on us and resolutely declined to accept our
refusal of her invitation to an evening party; 'for,' said she, 'I
have got a lion coming.'  We at once retracted our plea of a prior
engagement, and became as anxious to go, as we had previously been
to stay away.

We went early, and posted ourselves in an eligible part of the
drawing-room, from whence we could hope to obtain a full view of
the interesting animal.  Two or three hours passed, the quadrilles
began, the room filled; but no lion appeared.  The lady of the
house became inconsolable, - for it is one of the peculiar
privileges of these lions to make solemn appointments and never
keep them, - when all of a sudden there came a tremendous double
rap at the street-door, and the master of the house, after gliding
out (unobserved as he flattered himself) to peep over the
banisters, came into the room, rubbing his hands together with
great glee, and cried out in a very important voice, 'My dear, Mr.
- (naming the lion) has this moment arrived.'

Upon this, all eyes were turned towards the door, and we observed
several young ladies, who had been laughing and conversing
previously with great gaiety and good humour, grow extremely quiet
and sentimental; while some young gentlemen, who had been cutting
great figures in the facetious and small-talk way, suddenly sank
very obviously in the estimation of the company, and were looked
upon with great coldness and indifference.  Even the young man who
had been ordered from the music shop to play the pianoforte was
visibly affected, and struck several false notes in the excess of
his excitement.

All this time there was a great talking outside, more than once
accompanied by a loud laugh, and a cry of 'Oh! capital! excellent!'
from which we inferred that the lion was jocose, and that these
exclamations were occasioned by the transports of his keeper and
our host.  Nor were we deceived; for when the lion at last
appeared, we overheard his keeper, who was a little prim man,
whisper to several gentlemen of his acquaintance, with uplifted
hands, and every expression of half-suppressed admiration, that -
(naming the lion again) was in SUCH cue to-night!

The lion was a literary one.  Of course, there were a vast number
of people present who had admired his roarings, and were anxious to
be introduced to him; and very pleasant it was to see them brought
up for the purpose, and to observe the patient dignity with which
he received all their patting and caressing.  This brought forcibly
to our mind what we had so often witnessed at country fairs, where
the other lions are compelled to go through as many forms of
courtesy as they chance to be acquainted with, just as often as
admiring parties happen to drop in upon them.

While the lion was exhibiting in this way, his keeper was not idle,
for he mingled among the crowd, and spread his praises most
industriously.  To one gentleman he whispered some very choice
thing that the noble animal had said in the very act of coming up-
stairs, which, of course, rendered the mental effort still more
astonishing; to another he murmured a hasty account of a grand
dinner that had taken place the day before, where twenty-seven
gentlemen had got up all at once to demand an extra cheer for the
lion; and to the ladies he made sundry promises of interceding to
procure the majestic brute's sign-manual for their albums.  Then,
there were little private consultations in different corners,
relative to the personal appearance and stature of the lion;
whether he was shorter than they had expected to see him, or
taller, or thinner, or fatter, or younger, or older; whether he was
like his portrait, or unlike it; and whether the particular shade
of his eyes was black, or blue, or hazel, or green, or yellow, or
mixture.  At all these consultations the keeper assisted; and, in
short, the lion was the sole and single subject of discussion till
they sat him down to whist, and then the people relapsed into their
old topics of conversation - themselves and each other.

We must confess that we looked forward with no slight impatience to
the announcement of supper; for if you wish to see a tame lion
under particularly favourable circumstances, feeding-time is the
period of all others to pitch upon.  We were therefore very much
delighted to observe a sensation among the guests, which we well
knew how to interpret, and immediately afterwards to behold the
lion escorting the lady of the house down-stairs.  We offered our
arm to an elderly female of our acquaintance, who - dear old soul!
- is the very best person that ever lived, to lead down to any
meal; for, be the room ever so small, or the party ever so large,
she is sure, by some intuitive perception of the eligible, to push
and pull herself and conductor close to the best dishes on the
table; - we say we offered our arm to this elderly female, and,
descending the stairs shortly after the lion, were fortunate enough
to obtain a seat nearly opposite him.

Of course the keeper was there already.  He had planted himself at
precisely that distance from his charge which afforded him a decent
pretext for raising his voice, when he addressed him, to so loud a
key, as could not fail to attract the attention of the whole
company, and immediately began to apply himself seriously to the
task of bringing the lion out, and putting him through the whole of
his manoeuvres.  Such flashes of wit as he elicited from the lion!
First of all, they began to make puns upon a salt-cellar, and then
upon the breast of a fowl, and then upon the trifle; but the best
jokes of all were decidedly on the lobster salad, upon which latter
subject the lion came out most vigorously, and, in the opinion of
the most competent authorities, quite outshone himself.  This is a
very excellent mode of shining in society, and is founded, we
humbly conceive, upon the classic model of the dialogues between
Mr. Punch and his friend the proprietor, wherein the latter takes
all the up-hill work, and is content to pioneer to the jokes and
repartees of Mr. P. himself, who never fails to gain great credit
and excite much laughter thereby.  Whatever it be founded on,
however, we recommend it to all lions, present and to come; for in
this instance it succeeded to admiration, and perfectly dazzled the
whole body of hearers.

When the salt-cellar, and the fowl's breast, and the trifle, and
the lobster salad were all exhausted, and could not afford
standing-room for another solitary witticism, the keeper performed
that very dangerous feat which is still done with some of the
caravan lions, although in one instance it terminated fatally, of
putting his head in the animal's mouth, and placing himself
entirely at its mercy.  Boswell frequently presents a melancholy
instance of the lamentable results of this achievement, and other
keepers and jackals have been terribly lacerated for their daring.
It is due to our lion to state, that he condescended to be trifled
with, in the most gentle manner, and finally went home with the
showman in a hack cab:  perfectly peaceable, but slightly fuddled.

Being in a contemplative mood, we were led to make some reflections
upon the character and conduct of this genus of lions as we walked
homewards, and we were not long in arriving at the conclusion that
our former impression in their favour was very much strengthened
and confirmed by what we had recently seen.  While the other lions
receive company and compliments in a sullen, moody, not to say
snarling manner, these appear flattered by the attentions that are
paid them; while those conceal themselves to the utmost of their
power from the vulgar gaze, these court the popular eye, and,
unlike their brethren, whom nothing short of compulsion will move
to exertion, are ever ready to display their acquirements to the
wondering throng.  We have known bears of undoubted ability who,
when the expectations of a large audience have been wound up to the
utmost pitch, have peremptorily refused to dance; well-taught
monkeys, who have unaccountably objected to exhibit on the slack
wire; and elephants of unquestioned genius, who have suddenly
declined to turn the barrel-organ; but we never once knew or heard
of a biped lion, literary or otherwise, - and we state it as a fact
which is highly creditable to the whole species, - who, occasion
offering, did not seize with avidity on any opportunity which was
afforded him, of performing to his heart's content on the first
violin.



MR. ROBERT BOLTON:  THE 'GENTLEMAN CONNECTED WITH THE PRESS'



In the parlour of the Green Dragon, a public-house in the immediate
neighbourhood of Westminster Bridge, everybody talks politics,
every evening, the great political authority being Mr. Robert
Bolton, an individual who defines himself as 'a gentleman connected
with the press,' which is a definition of peculiar indefiniteness.
Mr. Robert Bolton's regular circle of admirers and listeners are an
undertaker, a greengrocer, a hairdresser, a baker, a large stomach
surmounted by a man's head, and placed on the top of two
particularly short legs, and a thin man in black, name, profession,
and pursuit unknown, who always sits in the same position, always
displays the same long, vacant face, and never opens his lips,
surrounded as he is by most enthusiastic conversation, except to
puff forth a volume of tobacco smoke, or give vent to a very
snappy, loud, and shrill HEM!  The conversation sometimes turns
upon literature, Mr. Bolton being a literary character, and always
upon such news of the day as is exclusively possessed by that
talented individual.  I found myself (of course, accidentally) in
the Green Dragon the other evening, and, being somewhat amused by
the following conversation, preserved it.

'Can you lend me a ten-pound note till Christmas?' inquired the
hairdresser of the stomach.

'Where's your security, Mr. Clip?'

'My stock in trade, - there's enough of it, I'm thinking, Mr.
Thicknesse.  Some fifty wigs, two poles, half-a-dozen head blocks,
and a dead Bruin.'

'No, I won't, then,' growled out Thicknesse.  'I lends nothing on
the security of the whigs or the Poles either.  As for whigs,
they're cheats; as for the Poles, they've got no cash.  I never
have nothing to do with blockheads, unless I can't awoid it
(ironically), and a dead bear's about as much use to me as I could
be to a dead bear.'

'Well, then,' urged the other, 'there's a book as belonged to Pope,
Byron's Poems, valued at forty pounds, because it's got Pope's
identical scratch on the back; what do you think of that for
security?'

'Well, to be sure!' cried the baker.  'But how d'ye mean, Mr.
Clip?'

'Mean! why, that it's got the HOTTERGRUFF of Pope.


"Steal not this book, for fear of hangman's rope;
For it belongs to Alexander Pope."


All that's written on the inside of the binding of the book; so, as
my son says, we're BOUND to believe it.'

'Well, sir,' observed the undertaker, deferentially, and in a half-
whisper, leaning over the table, and knocking over the
hairdresser's grog as he spoke, 'that argument's very easy upset.'

'Perhaps, sir,' said Clip, a little flurried, 'you'll pay for the
first upset afore you thinks of another.'

'Now,' said the undertaker, bowing amicably to the hairdresser, 'I
THINK, I says I THINK - you'll excuse me, Mr. Clip, I THINK, you
see, that won't go down with the present company - unfortunately,
my master had the honour of making the coffin of that ere Lord's
housemaid, not no more nor twenty year ago.  Don't think I'm proud
on it, gentlemen; others might be; but I hate rank of any sort.
I've no more respect for a Lord's footman than I have for any
respectable tradesman in this room.  I may say no more nor I have
for Mr. Clip! (bowing).  Therefore, that ere Lord must have been
born long after Pope died.  And it's a logical interference to
defer, that they neither of them lived at the same time.  So what I
mean is this here, that Pope never had no book, never seed, felt,
never smelt no book (triumphantly) as belonged to that ere Lord.
And, gentlemen, when I consider how patiently you have 'eared the
ideas what I have expressed, I feel bound, as the best way to
reward you for the kindness you have exhibited, to sit down without
saying anything more - partickler as I perceive a worthier visitor
nor myself is just entered.  I am not in the habit of paying
compliments, gentlemen; when I do, therefore, I hope I strikes with
double force.'

'Ah, Mr. Murgatroyd! what's all this about striking with double
force?' said the object of the above remark, as he entered.  'I
never excuse a man's getting into a rage during winter, even when
he's seated so close to the fire as you are.  It is very
injudicious to put yourself into such a perspiration.  What is the
cause of this extreme physical and mental excitement, sir?'

Such was the very philosophical address of Mr. Robert Bolton, a
shorthand-writer, as he termed himself - a bit of equivoque passing
current among his fraternity, which must give the uninitiated a
vast idea of the establishment of the ministerial organ, while to
the initiated it signifies that no one paper can lay claim to the
enjoyment of their services.  Mr. Bolton was a young man, with a
somewhat sickly and very dissipated expression of countenance.  His
habiliments were composed of an exquisite union of gentility,
slovenliness, assumption, simplicity, NEWNESS, and old age.  Half
of him was dressed for the winter, the other half for the summer.
His hat was of the newest cut, the D'Orsay; his trousers had been
white, but the inroads of mud and ink, etc., had given them a pie-
bald appearance; round his throat he wore a very high black cravat,
of the most tyrannical stiffness; while his TOUT ENSEMBLE was
hidden beneath the enormous folds of an old brown poodle-collared
great-coat, which was closely buttoned up to the aforesaid cravat.
His fingers peeped through the ends of his black kid gloves, and
two of the toes of each foot took a similar view of society through
the extremities of his high-lows.  Sacred to the bare walls of his
garret be the mysteries of his interior dress!  He was a short,
spare man, of a somewhat inferior deportment.  Everybody seemed
influenced by his entry into the room, and his salutation of each
member partook of the patronizing.  The hairdresser made way for
him between himself and the stomach.  A minute afterwards he had
taken possession of his pint and pipe.  A pause in the conversation
took place.  Everybody was waiting, anxious for his first
observation.

'Horrid murder in Westminster this morning,' observed Mr. Bolton.

Everybody changed their positions.  All eyes were fixed upon the
man of paragraphs.

'A baker murdered his son by boiling him in a copper,' said Mr.
Bolton.

'Good heavens!' exclaimed everybody, in simultaneous horror.

'Boiled him, gentlemen!' added Mr. Bolton, with the most effective
emphasis; 'BOILED him!'

'And the particulars, Mr. B.,' inquired the hairdresser, 'the
particulars?'

Mr. Bolton took a very long draught of porter, and some two or
three dozen whiffs of tobacco, doubtless to instil into the
commercial capacities of the company the superiority of a gentlemen
connected with the press, and then said -

'The man was a baker, gentlemen.'  (Every one looked at the baker
present, who stared at Bolton.)  'His victim, being his son, also
was necessarily the son of a baker.  The wretched murderer had a
wife, whom he was frequently in the habit, while in an intoxicated
state, of kicking, pummelling, flinging mugs at, knocking down, and
half-killing while in bed, by inserting in her mouth a considerable
portion of a sheet or blanket.'

The speaker took another draught, everybody looked at everybody
else, and exclaimed, 'Horrid!'

'It appears in evidence, gentlemen,' continued Mr. Bolton, 'that,
on the evening of yesterday, Sawyer the baker came home in a
reprehensible state of beer.  Mrs. S., connubially considerate,
carried him in that condition up-stairs into his chamber, and
consigned him to their mutual couch.  In a minute or two she lay
sleeping beside the man whom the morrow's dawn beheld a murderer!'
(Entire silence informed the reporter that his picture had attained
the awful effect he desired.)  'The son came home about an hour
afterwards, opened the door, and went up to bed.  Scarcely
(gentlemen, conceive his feelings of alarm), scarcely had he taken
off his indescribables, when shrieks (to his experienced ear
MATERNAL shrieks) scared the silence of surrounding night.  He put
his indescribables on again, and ran down-stairs.  He opened the
door of the parental bed-chamber.  His father was dancing upon his
mother.  What must have been his feelings!  In the agony of the
minute he rushed at his male parent as he was about to plunge a
knife into the side of his female.  The mother shrieked.  The
father caught the son (who had wrested the knife from the paternal
grasp) up in his arms, carried him down-stairs, shoved him into a
copper of boiling water among some linen, closed the lid, and
jumped upon the top of it, in which position he was found with a
ferocious countenance by the mother, who arrived in the melancholy
wash-house just as he had so settled himself.

'"Where's my boy?" shrieked the mother.

'"In that copper, boiling," coolly replied the benign father.

'Struck by the awful intelligence, the mother rushed from the
house, and alarmed the neighbourhood.  The police entered a minute
afterwards.  The father, having bolted the wash-house door, had
bolted himself.  They dragged the lifeless body of the boiled baker
from the cauldron, and, with a promptitude commendable in men of
their station, they immediately carried it to the station-house.
Subsequently, the baker was apprehended while seated on the top of
a lamp-post in Parliament Street, lighting his pipe.'

The whole horrible ideality of the Mysteries of Udolpho, condensed
into the pithy effect of a ten-line paragraph, could not possibly
have so affected the narrator's auditory.  Silence, the purest and
most noble of all kinds of applause, bore ample testimony to the
barbarity of the baker, as well as to Bolton's knack of narration;
and it was only broken after some minutes had elapsed by
interjectional expressions of the intense indignation of every man
present.  The baker wondered how a British baker could so disgrace
himself and the highly honourable calling to which he belonged; and
the others indulged in a variety of wonderments connected with the
subject; among which not the least wonderment was that which was
awakened by the genius and information of Mr. Robert Bolton, who,
after a glowing eulogium on himself, and his unspeakable influence
with the daily press, was proceeding, with a most solemn
countenance, to hear the pros and cons of the Pope autograph
question, when I took up my hat, and left.



FAMILIAR EPISTLE FROM A PARENT TO A CHILD
AGED TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS



MY CHILD,

To recount with what trouble I have brought you up - with what an
anxious eye I have regarded your progress, - how late and how often
I have sat up at night working for you, - and how many thousand
letters I have received from, and written to your various relations
and friends, many of whom have been of a querulous and irritable
turn, - to dwell on the anxiety and tenderness with which I have
(as far as I possessed the power) inspected and chosen your food;
rejecting the indigestible and heavy matter which some injudicious
but well-meaning old ladies would have had you swallow, and
retaining only those light and pleasant articles which I deemed
calculated to keep you free from all gross humours, and to render
you an agreeable child, and one who might be popular with society
in general, - to dilate on the steadiness with which I have
prevented your annoying any company by talking politics - always
assuring you that you would thank me for it yourself some day when
you grew older, - to expatiate, in short, upon my own assiduity as
a parent, is beside my present purpose, though I cannot but
contemplate your fair appearance - your robust health, and
unimpeded circulation (which I take to be the great secret of your
good looks) without the liveliest satisfaction and delight.

It is a trite observation, and one which, young as you are, I have
no doubt you have often heard repeated, that we have fallen upon
strange times, and live in days of constant shiftings and changes.
I had a melancholy instance of this only a week or two since.  I
was returning from Manchester to London by the Mail Train, when I
suddenly fell into another train - a mixed train - of reflection,
occasioned by the dejected and disconsolate demeanour of the Post-
Office Guard.  We were stopping at some station where they take in
water, when he dismounted slowly from the little box in which he
sits in ghastly mockery of his old condition with pistol and
blunderbuss beside him, ready to shoot the first highwayman (or
railwayman) who shall attempt to stop the horses, which now travel
(when they travel at all) INSIDE and in a portable stable invented
for the purpose, - he dismounted, I say, slowly and sadly, from his
post, and looking mournfully about him as if in dismal recollection
of the old roadside public-house the blazing fire - the glass of
foaming ale - the buxom handmaid and admiring hangers-on of tap-
room and stable, all honoured by his notice; and, retiring a little
apart, stood leaning against a signal-post, surveying the engine
with a look of combined affliction and disgust which no words can
describe.  His scarlet coat and golden lace were tarnished with
ignoble smoke; flakes of soot had fallen on his bright green shawl
- his pride in days of yore - the steam condensed in the tunnel
from which we had just emerged, shone upon his hat like rain.  His
eye betokened that he was thinking of the coachman; and as it
wandered to his own seat and his own fast-fading garb, it was plain
to see that he felt his office and himself had alike no business
there, and were nothing but an elaborate practical joke.

As we whirled away, I was led insensibly into an anticipation of
those days to come, when mail-coach guards shall no longer be
judges of horse-flesh - when a mail-coach guard shall never even
have seen a horse - when stations shall have superseded stables,
and corn shall have given place to coke.  'In those dawning times,'
thought I, 'exhibition-rooms shall teem with portraits of Her
Majesty's favourite engine, with boilers after Nature by future
Landseers.  Some Amburgh, yet unborn, shall break wild horses by
his magic power; and in the dress of a mail-coach guard exhibit his
TRAINED ANIMALS in a mock mail-coach.  Then, shall wondering crowds
observe how that, with the exception of his whip, it is all his
eye; and crowned heads shall see them fed on oats, and stand alone
unmoved and undismayed, while counters flee affrighted when the
coursers neigh!'

Such, my child, were the reflections from which I was only awakened
then, as I am now, by the necessity of attending to matters of
present though minor importance.  I offer no apology to you for the
digression, for it brings me very naturally to the subject of
change, which is the very subject of which I desire to treat.

In fact, my child, you have changed hands.  Henceforth I resign you
to the guardianship and protection of one of my most intimate and
valued friends, Mr. Ainsworth, with whom, and with you, my best
wishes and warmest feelings will ever remain.  I reap no gain or
profit by parting from you, nor will any conveyance of your
property be required, for, in this respect, you have always been
literally 'Bentley's' Miscellany, and never mine.

Unlike the driver of the old Manchester mail, I regard this altered
state of things with feelings of unmingled pleasure and
satisfaction.

Unlike the guard of the new Manchester mail, YOUR guard is at home
in his new place, and has roystering highwaymen and gallant
desperadoes ever within call.  And if I might compare you, my
child, to an engine; (not a Tory engine, nor a Whig engine, but a
brisk and rapid locomotive;) your friends and patrons to
passengers; and he who now stands towards you IN LOCO PARENTIS as
the skilful engineer and supervisor of the whole, I would humbly
crave leave to postpone the departure of the train on its new and
auspicious course for one brief instant, while, with hat in hand, I
approach side by side with the friend who travelled with me on the
old road, and presume to solicit favour and kindness in behalf of
him and his new charge, both for their sakes and that of the old
coachman,

Boz.




Footnotes:

(1) This paper was written before the practice of exhibiting
Members of Parliament, like other curiosities, for the small charge
of half-a-crown, was abolished.

(2) The regulations of the prison relative to the confinement of
prisoners during the day, their sleeping at night, their taking
their meals, and other matters of gaol economy, have been all
altered-greatly for the better - since this sketch was first
published.  Even the construction of the prison itself has been
changed.

(3) These two men were executed shortly afterwards.  The other was
respited during his Majesty's pleasure.





End of Project Gutenberg's Etext of Sketches by Boz, by Charles Dickens